Hell’s Kitchen: Once Burned, Twice Shy

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, not only did someone start the weekly kitchen fire, but this time Chef Yumsay was burned by it. Time for yet another week of watching donkeys try to cook…

“If by ‘Don’t burn me,’ you really mean ‘Burn me more.’ Then I’ve got this thing in the bag!”After elimination, the culinary warriors head back to the house like they always do to smoke like they always do and discuss what just happened like they always do. Christina says that it will be tough to continue being stuck in the house with Jen. Jen, of course, has something to say. She says that the people there feel threatened by her, and maybe it’s at a point where she should try to make friends. Sounds like a plot is starting to bud.

So in a strange strategy, Jen actually tells Christina that she appreciates her honesty and is not insulted that she was just put on the chopping block. Is it crazy backwards day or something? Something seems fishy. And it’s not the John Dory. Christina almost starts to believe the fake niceties, but luckily Corey calls it like she sees it and says, “She’s fake, dude.” I kinda like Corey. Now that she’s done with seducing random people in the hot tub, I think she’s pretty honest and cool.

Why is everyone on this show a pyro?

Now that Cringing Matt is gone, Jen seems to be filling his shoes. In total Matt style, she goes back to her room to grump around and talk to herself. She tells herself that she’s not going home, and then she agrees with herself. Nothing makes for great tv like schizophrenia!

The next morning, our final four meet RamJam in the kitchen for the mother of all challenges. Each contestant will come up with a dish and cook that dish for 80 customers. And these won’t be just any customers — they are super picky mystery customers. Jen muses that she hopes the customers are celebrities — Beyonce, Jay-Z and 50 Cent. Jen is ridiculous. But wouldn’t it be awesome if 50 Cent were on this show? He’d casually sip his wine, only to have it pour out of all the bullet holes in his body like a watering can! The contestants will have one hour to prepare their food, and the mystery guests will vote to determine the winner. Aaaaaaaaaand GO!

Christina prepares an island turkey sandwich. It looks quite yummy. I love avocado! She’s afraid that the diners will be kids because if they are, they will hate the curry and avocado. True. 50 Cent might not like curry and avocado either though. So this could be a risky choice.

Corey is making a grilled salmon BLT. Fascinating. She even makes chips from scratch! Nice! The best part is that Gordon asks what she’s preparing, and she says, “I’m making chips, Chef!” And he says, No for the challenge, “you BANANA!” I don’t know when fruits and vegetables became insults, but I am definitely picking up what he’s putting down. I love it, you crazy tomatoes!

“Hey Petrozza, wanna get in the hot tub with me?”

Petrozza is cooking a Monte Cristo Sandwich with a toned-down zip. I really enjoy the Monte Cristo. We used to have a really tasty one when I worked at Bennigan’s. But one bite of it would send you directly into cardiac arrest. The survival rate of those finishing one of those sandwiches is only at 10%.

Nothing like a nice sandwich marinated in snot!

Jen is making a calypso grouper. (RE: A fish wearing a tall hat made out of fruit, singing the Chiquita Banana song and stomping around in clogs.)

Time flies and everyone is moving at the speed of light. Corey gets completely frantic while Christina takes the opposite approach, creating a lovely song about the heirloom tomato. She should do a duet with the Calypso Grouper. Now that, I would pay to see.

In the dining room, there are stations set up, which are basically just tables for their food labeled by their names. And all of our warriors are assigned a different color of plate for their dish. Corey is lagging behind and barely gets her food on her table in time. And, I must say, it’s a little stressful.

Now it’s time for the mystery guests! And it’s a bunch of pregnant women. Kind of a buzz kill, but Gordon looks absolutely delighted with himself. Jen says that she’s relieved because pregnant women eat anything. Really? I thought they were pickier than normal. And had very sensitive noses and tastebuds causing them to gross out easily? Have I ever mentioned how much pregnancy creeps me out? The thought of having a little parasite grow inside of me reminds me of the movie “Alien” when that little monster bursts out of that man’s belly at dinner. But I know I’m supposed to think that pregnancy is beautiful and that pregnant women glow, so blah blah blah yadda yadda. Anyway, they will sample all the dishes and then vote for their favorite.

Kinda fat to be eating so much, wouldn’t ya say?

Corey’s having some issues because she keeps running out of her food. And the ladies are not having much patience for that. They are eating for two now and extremely hungry. Okay, I guess that is one beautiful part of pregnancy. You always have an excuse to eat your weight in Cheetos and no one can really judge you. Christina takes advantage of Corey’s angry guests and hand delivers her sandwiches to them. All done with a sweet little smile on her face.

“I’m going to club that skinny blonde bitch and just eat HER if she doesn’t hurry up.”

The ladies automatically love Petrozza because he’s a dad and has a friendly personality. Jen is pretty sure that she deserves to win because she had the most complicated dish. Is “complication” really a flavor though? I never really know how complicated something tastes. I just know if it’s good or not. So I doubt that gives Jen much advantage.

Gordon goes into the kitchen and tells Corey that he doesn’t want the moms to give birth before they even have a chance to eat. So she rushes out more sandwiches just in time. It really is quite amazing that Jen finished her calypso grouper before Corey could finish a simple sandy, isn’t it? Oh well, I shall choose to ignore.

The ladies munch on their sandwiches and decide who to vote for and then time is up. Gordon thanks them for coming out and for not giving birth on the floor of Hell’s Kitchen. Because if they did, then Jean-Philippe would probably do his little slapstick routine, slipping in a pool of placenta and sliding across the floor. Now it’s time for the results. In fourth place, it’s Corey. Never a gracious winner, Corey gives a snotty little “okay” and makes her famous double-chin face.

Still undefeated in the Double-Chin Contest.

Third place is Jen, and of course she’s surprised because she always thinks she’s awesome. With Christina and Petrozza left, apparently there were only two votes separating the winner from the second place finisher. But Christina clinches it.

Christina’s reward is that she’ll be going shopping with Gordon in Beverly Hills. Jen says that she’d be better with that reward because she’s more of a fashionista. My oh my! What ISN’T Jen the best at!? To top it off, Christina will have a full G to blow on whatever she wants. The losers will be cleaning up after the messy moms — placenta pools and all — and then prepping for tonight’s dinner service.

They start to clean and Jen comments that there’s a lot of uneaten turkey on the plates for Christina to have won. And then she picks up one of the half-eaten sandwiches and shoves it into her mouth. For anyone who is keeping score, that is twice in a row that Jen has eaten garbage on the show. Once is just a fluke; twice is a clearly a disgusting habit. I also find it funny that she scoffs at Christina’s sandwich but then wants to eat it.

“Excuse me as I eat every single bite of this nasty sandwich and then lick all of my fingers.”

Christina and Gordon take a limo to Beverly Hills and Christina admits that not only has she never been there, but all of her clothes are just black and white. In a former life, she was a mime. They go into Lisa Kline, and Lisa Kline is actually there to help pick out clothes for Christina. I love when grown ladies take my clothes off and put them back on for me! It’s not awkward at all! Actually, that’s kind of what they do when you are trying on bridesmaid dresses, which is an experience that exists somewhere inside the fifth ring of hell.

Meanwhile, the losers are polishing silverware. Jen, again, says that she could have done better shopping because she knows more about clothes. Petrozza says, “Yeah, but you’re heart’s not in the right place.” So Jen calls him a big Care Bear. She says then she’s more like the Grinch. That’s the most self-aware thing I’ve ever heard her say.

There is a montage of Christina trying on a million outfits and Gordon ooo’ing and ahh’ing over how fantastic she looks. He even tells her to tossle her hair for him.

“I think Petrozza got gum stick in my hair back here.”

Christina comes back and shows the girls her new clothes, and of course they only have negative things to say about all of it. Petrozza says they are vicious. Christina changes and comes into the kitchen and asks four times what she can do to help prep, and everyone just ignores her. So she slams a big bag of ice onto the ground. Finally Petrozza tells her what she can do to help. He says that he’s not happy she won, but that it’s pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Aww! I like him. He’s totally a big Care Bear!

G-Ram meets our contestants in the kitchen and reminds them again that one of them will be an executive chef in his new restaurant, so the stakes are really high. Did anyone else the news about how the winner actually isn’t currently his executive chef? But, instead, his head sous chef? Yeah, I knew none of these donuts could actually handle that position. It’s kind of a fraud. But we shall choose to overlook.

Things start off on the right foot as Jen and Corey actually communicate well together on hot appetizers. Corey serves up perfect scallops, and Jen makes stunning risotto. Only 25 minutes in and the apps are already flying out of the kitchen to amazing reviews.

But then things stall as Jen’s risotto is mush. Chef says that she’s not tasting what she’s sending out. He takes over her station and tries to show her what to do. Instead of gently tossing the rice in the pan, she keeps smashing it with her spoon, which is turning it to mush. And she won’t listen when Gordo tries to correct her. And then she just starts moving really slow like she always does after she gets corrected. But eventually she does deliver a good dish of risotto. Gordon says it confirms how lazy she is. She doesn’t push herself to do good work unless he forces her to. Word.

The kitchen moves onto entrees. And now it’s time for this week’s kitchen fire! Started for you by CHRISTINA! Didn’t I put my money on her last week? Either I’m totally awesome or this show is getting pretty predictable. Amazingly, Christina doesn’t burn herself. But she takes a pot right from the fire and gives it to Gordon who of course burns his hand.

More impressive than “Back Draft.”

Christina looks stunned when Gordon burns himself, and he tells her not to just stand there looking like a stupid cow. She needs to say something if the handle has been sitting in the flame. Gordon has to keep his hand under cold water for awhile to take the sting off. And Jen just loves that Christina has messed up.

Gordon is so angry that he tells Christina if she ever does that again, she’s done. So guess what she does? She does it right away AGAIN. Oh man! This is just great! Jen says that it’s so bad that everyone can smell burning skin all across the room. What!? To demonstrate to Christina how hot the dish is, Gordon pours water on the handle of the pot and it sizzles. Gordon, of course, is furious.

Meanwhile, Jen is supposed to be making the eggs for Corey’s scallop appetizer, but she claims to not have time to do it. Jen just literally just stares blankly into the space and then says that she has risotto to make, so she can’t do it. In a nice attempt to redeem herself from the burning flesh fiasco, Christina offers to make the eggs.

Christina is mortified that Jen can’t stir risotto and fry an egg at the same time. It’s pretty obvious that Jen is just doing her crappy mopey thing and taking it out on Corey. Little does she know, she’s only spiting herself. Finally Jen drops the eggs but only after Gordon scolds her for not being a team player. Corey says that Jen acts different around RamJam than the rest of the team because she’s sneaky.

I shall fry your eggs, but they shall taste of RESENT!

An hour into dinner service, all the appetizers have gone out. Now Corey is cooking the John Dory slowly. Gordon barks at her so much that Corey serves it up before it’s done, hoping that Gordon wouldn’t notice. Gordon didn’t but the guests did. It gets sent back for being raw. Hey, it wouldn’t be an episode of Hell’s Kitchen without at least one raw meat being served, right?

And, surprise surprise, our own little PigPen Petrozza is still keeping a disgusting station. Gordon says that he can’t make something stunning on top of something nasty. But at least he knows how to make beautiful meat. It’s so weird, isn’t it?

Lou Petrozza: Consistently flying under the radar since 1960.

After dinner service, our four finalists meet with Gordon in the kitchen, and, surprisingly, he high fives them all, saying it was their best service ever in Hell’s Kitchen. Really? I thought that whenever the scent of burning flesh loomed overhead, it couldn’t possibly be the best ever. But now they are ordered to go upstairs and come to a consensus about who should be up for elimination.

Fakely, Jen says that it will be hard to send someone home because she’s “finally getting a heart.” Petrozza says that she’s a fake bitch who is only growing a heart because she knows she’s going up on the chopping block. When should have a little gauge to measure her heart like the one in “The Grinch Stole Christmas.” You know, the one that broke in the end because his heart grew so much? In Jen’s case, I think the gauge would prove that her heart is actually shrinking.

They decide to all write down two different names and put them in a hat. Aww yeah! Elimination Survivor Tribal Council style. But, it’s funny because when Corey counts the votes, there are three for Christina. Corey pauses and asks her if she voted for herself. Christina says no. Corey says that since she didn’t put Christina either, then someone obviously voted twice. Hmm..who would have ever done that? Jen, perhaps? Just a hunch!

Jen, being delusional as usual, says that no one deserves to be there more than her. Christina, Corey and Petrozza plot. They all want Jen gone but don’t know who to put up against her. Petrozza says that he’ll go up. But then Corey says that she deserves to be up there more than him. I’m kinda surprised it’s not Christina because SHE BURNED GORDON, but whatevs.

They should really start a THROUPLE.

At elimination, Christina says the first nominee is Jen. She’s not a team player and basically sucks. The second nominee is Corey. The fake reason being that she didn’t do well in the morning’s challenge. Corey says that she should stay because she bounced back from the morning’s challenge and is a valuable asset to the team. Jen says she should stay because she’s passionate and she will fight for this experience. Gordon asks Corey what separates her from Jen. She says that she’s more honest because Jen lies a lot. Jen interrupts saying that she’s a team player and only comes on strong because it’s a competition and she wants to win.

The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is Jen. Thank you, lord! But Gordon phrases it all weird. He says, “The person to leave is…Corey. Say goodbye to Jen. Jen take off your jacket.” Geez. I almost had a heartattack. Gordon tells Jen to keep her head up high and not to stop. He really only got to see a skewed view of her. We get to see a montage of Jen winning competitions and fiercely cranking out pasta. Lovely. And good riddance.

In yet another example of her delusion, Jen will return next week and pretend like she’s still on the show.

The final three share a group hug. And everyone is ecstatic to see Jen gone. Can you guys believe that Petrozza made it this far? I mean, this is the guy who couldn’t memorize the menu during the first couple weeks. I like the guy, but I never would have predicted this from the beginning.

Next week, there will be a shocking mystery guest. And everyone cracks under pressure. And Christina does something scandalous! I wonder what it will be.

So who’s gonna take this thing all the way to the end? I’m leaning toward Corey at this point, but I’m prepared to be surprised.

See ya Tuesday!
love, MandaMo
xoxo