Hell’s Kitchen: Recipe for Disaster

This week on Hell’s Kitchen, the culinary warriors are challenged to create their own menus. Surely they can’t fail when they are making their own creations, right? WRONG! SHUT IT DOWN!!!

The customer’s always right.Cringing Matt’s days HAVE to be numbered, right? I’m pretty convinced that his one strong week was just a complete fluke and have absolutely no idea how he made it all the way to the top seven. Knowing that he sucks, Matt profusely apologizes to Corey for letting her down. Corey tells us that she knows Matt enjoys cooking, but that he’d be better at something else, like a used car salesman. Or a professional cringer. But at least Matt knows that he’s on borrowed time.

The following morning, the teams meet Chef Ramsay in the dining room. He says that one issue everyone is struggling with is timing, so today’s challenge will test communication and timing. Each team will make three items off the menu — chicken, John Dory and scallops. By the way, can I please say that I LOVE that this fish has both a first and last name! How sophisticated!

“No my first name ain’t baby. It’s John. Or Mr. Dory, if you’re nasty.”

But the catch is that only one person from each team can be in the kitchen at a time. Each chef will have six minutes to cook; the next chef will come in and pick up where they left off with 15 seconds to communicate. So it’s kinda like a modern day, wacko cooking relay race. You dig?

Because the Blue Team has an extra person, they have to decide who will sit out the challenge. Jen automatically starts flapping her gums, saying that she won’t step out because she moves fast. Blah blah blah whatever Jen. Then she says that The General moves super fast too, and Petrozza is flawless on meat, so he should do the cooking. So that leaves Toilet Brush with the um, yeah. Nothing. Gordo says that TB moves quite fast in the kitchen, so he’s surprised he’s out. TB says that he’s surprised too.

The relay begins! And up first are Matt and Petrozza. Matt looks HILARIOUS running across the dining room. He should definitely run more often because I love it! It’s like if Grimace, the big purple guy from McDonald’s, went for a jog or something. Chef says that the whole kitchen shakes when Matt runs. Both Matt and Petrozza start cooking all the meats and get the garnishes ready.

Next up are Christina and the General. The General really impresses me because he glides around with a cool head while everyone else is freaking out. But anyway, Christina takes the poached chicken out and it’s raw. Maybe the people on this show should just work at raw food restaurants. I hear those are very trendy these days. And it’s obvious that they all have some personal vendetta against actually heating things to a normal temperature.

Corey delicately arranges the green booger garnish.

Up last are Corey and Jen. They have to finish the chicken, sear the scallops and plate all the entrees. Jen says that Petrozza and the General set up everything perfectly for her. Toilet Brush says that because Jen always claims to be a beast in the kitchen, he’s ready to see the proof. And with that, time is up.

Gordon starts with the scallops. The Red Team is missing the salad on the plate. And the Blue Team has presented overcooked eggs (Jen’s fault). The Red Team’s scallops are perfect and seasoned beautifully, and the Blue Team’s scallops are raw in the center (Jen’s fault). So round one goes to the Red.

Up next is the John Dory. The Red Team’s tastes nice, but the sauce is too thick and the presentation is dreadful. The Blue Team’s is missing the sauce because it was burned (Jen’s fault). But it tastes good and the presentation is nice. So Ram chooses the Blue dish.

Giving G-Ram another ulcer…one bite at a time…

Last is the chicken. The Red Team’s is well done, but the baby leek is missing. The Blue Team’s is also nice except, again, the dish is missing the sauce (Jen’s fault). Gordon selects the Red Team as winners because he can’t eat two dishes without sauce (Again, JEN’S FAULT!).

The Red Team will be going to the beach in a fun convertible. Matt says that he’s feeling great about the Red Team and quips that it’s actually his fave color. In fact, he gets so excited about his favorite team, that he gives Christina and Corey big bear hugs, practically crushing Corey’s face and no doubt getting his Matt Stink all over them.

The only time I’ve ever felt badly for Corey.

The Blue Team will spend the day working as the Hell’s Kitchen maintenance crew. They will spruce up the kitchen and even steam clean the red carpet. And it’s really funny watching the Blue Team scrub everything. Especially because the General accidentally gets Petrozza in the eye with some Windex. But don’t worry, folks, because he’s okay.

The Red Team hits the beach to discover that they will be learning how to surf from some legendary surfer I’ve never heard of and whose name I didn’t catch. But I think I was just a little too distracted by Gordon standing there in his little wetsuit. Thank God for TiVo! I shall watch this everyday!

Back at the restaurant, Toilet Brush’s maintenance outfit is much too big for his tiny frame. When he zips it up all the way up, it goes completely over his head, making him look like a headless monster. He relishes it, and chases everyone around. Jen laughs but can’t admit that it’s funny, so she says that she was laughing at him for looking stupid, not laughing with him.

Toilet Brushabod Crane

Time for a rant: JEN IS SO ANNOYING!!! She moped all last week because apparently Toilet Brush lost the challenge for them. (Even though it was kinda her fault last week for forcing him to take that veal at the last minute.) And this week, it was HER fault that they lost, and TB is still trying to have a good time and not mope around and make her feel bad. And yet she can’t even crack a smile. What a giant baby. Any affection I formed for her during weeks 3-7 when she wasn’t quite as annoying is now GONE! GONE, I SAY! It’s as long gone as Matt’s sanity.

Straight off the set of Disney’s “Newsies.”

The General must be reading my mind because he gets fed up with her attitude and snaps back at one of her orders. He says that she’s just a little brat. It’s true. I mean, the General is how old? He’s pushing 40. And Jen is telling him what to do – and usually wrong about it – and has a decade less of experience. Barf. So the General barks at Jen, telling her not to give him orders. And Jen actually backs off a bit, saying that she doesn’t want to argue with him. Wise choice. He could snap her like a twig and then spin her like a top.

Over at the beach, the Red Team is learning to surf, and Matt looks like a big walrus in his wetsuit. Then Jean-Philippe shows up to pass out towels. This is where things get a little weird. Gordon runs over to JP, picks him up, which is a bit of a struggle, and throws him into the water. JP, of course, freaks out, and angrily throws a drenched towel at him. And then jumps on him, tackling him in the water. These boys have an….interesting….relationship. And I still can’t tell if JP is a real person or just a completely scripted reality character. But I’m leaning more and more to believing the latter.

In a 90s kind of world, I’m glad I’ve got my girls.

Surf time and cleaning time are over. The teams meet in the kitchen, and Gordon tells him that for the next dinner service, they are completely getting rid of the menu. Instead, the teams will have one hour to create their own menus. Three appetizers, three entrees and three desserts. I smell disaster…

The Red Team immediately gets to work and starts listing off several things that they all agree on. The Blue Team is a little bit different. Instead of using team work, Jen just barks out everything she wants and shoots down all the other ideas. TB suggest salmon, and she says that everybody and their grandpappy does salmon. Um, yeah, that’s because it’s good. You know what’s not good? Halibut wrapped in zucchini and squash, you donkey!

As a bonding activity, the teams play “Win, Lose or Draw.”

Also, it is important to point out, that THIS happens:

The only size that fit his giant, melon head.

The teams meet in the kitchen to share their menus with Chef. He really likes what the Red Team has put together and says that it reads very smart. Now for the Blue Team’s menu…yeah, not so much. Gordon says that the halibut wrapped in squash and zucchini sounds ghastly. Toilet Brush does not miss the opportunity and says that he suggested salmon but Jen chose the halibut. Rams asks if he’s happy with the menu, and he says no. Jen freaks out, telling us that TB is a punk and didn’t speak up during their group meeting. Maybe because she never leaves any room for anyone else to talk? Just a suggestion! Petrozza tells us that Jen took captain of the ship and drove them into an iceberg. I love his one-liners, don’t you?

That stink you’re smelling is YOU, Jen!

Gordon tells them to rework the menu. The Blue Team takes a time out to brainstorm some more, and they end up with a menu that satisfies the team and Gordon. Then everyone heads to the kitchen to start prepping.

In the Blue Kitchen, Jen asks TB if he has something to say. He says that whenever they give input, she blows them off. She does just that and shrugs off what he just said and moves on. Petrozza says that Jen is a brat but TB does need to be better at voicing his opinions.

Hell’s Kitchen is open. Each diner will have the option of ordering from the Red menu or the Blue menu. The popularity of the menus will help determine the winning team. The Red Team starts off rocky because Matt’s first pasta appetizer is too salty. And this week is Corey’s turn to look extremely red in the face. What’s that about?

In a very special episode of Hell’s Kitchen, Corey gets rosacea.

In the Blue Kitchen, Petrozza puts unwashed lettuce in the shrimp and crab cocktails. His station is always a pigsty. Gordo says that his sloppiness will be his downfall. And it’s true. Petrozza’s dirty apron is starting to resemble the blood-spattered smock of Leatherface, the chainsaw-wielding cannibal from the “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

This is the stuff that 1970s horror movies are made from.

In the Red Kitchen, another pasta appetizer is returned because it’s not cooked enough. And then another is returned because it’s too salty. And yet another is returned for being salty! Geez Matt! Gordon freaks out, saying that Matt is dripping so much sweat into the sauce that it’s salty. Ew. I’d be SO grossed out if I knew that his DNA had been sprinkled all over my dish. That’s just sick.

To curb the sweating issue, Matt ties a white cloth napkin around his head as a sweatband. Corey is furious, telling Matt that he needs to try harder. Matt throws a pan and says he doesn’t give a fuck. So Gordon asks why he’s behaving like a baby and offers him a diaper. But then another pasta appetizer comes back because it’s tasteless. Christina takes over the hot appetizers, sending Matt to work the vegetable station.

Rosie the Riveter to save the day!

Dishes are being sent back to the Blue Kitchen as well. Toilet Brush has sent out more than one completely raw filet mignon. Might I again suggest working at a raw foods restaurant? Or a sushi place, perhaps? A very angry Gordon says that if TB doesn’t pull it together, then he’ll be shut down. The pressure is on.

Meanwhile, Matt is not doing much better at the vegetable station. The brussel sprouts were not cooked to Gordon’s standards. Why are brussel sprouts even on the menu? Brussel sprouts are never cooked to anyone’s standards, as far as I’m concerned. Matt then breathily says, “I’ll never give up.” I wonder if he’s promising that to Jack Dawson as his cold and lifeless body sinks to the bottom of the unforgiving sea…Celine Dion gently plays in the background…But this pity party doesn’t fool anyone, and Corey boots Matt off his second station of the night. And Christina and Corey are, like, omigod! So completely amazed by how well they totally work together! Like, wow!

Toilet Brush finally makes a perfect filet but it’s already too late. Tired of waiting, the table that ordered it already left. The General is frustrated because the dessert station is a mess, and he can’t find anything. Because Jen prepped the desserts, it was her responsibility to keep it organized, but Gen says it looks like a junk yard. Then Gen calls Jen “honey,” and Jen gets all hot and bothered because that’s condescending. Blah blah blah, whatever Jen. Nobody cares.

“I’m a four-star general. If I feel like calling you ‘honey,’ then that’s what I’m gonna do.”

Jen makes things worse for herself as she serves an undercooked soufflé. Gordon picks it up, turns it over, and it pees soufflé juice all over the plate. He’s so angry that he tells her to turn off her stove and kicks her out. See ya later, honey pie!

The teams race to get the desserts out and both amazingly complete dinner service. They meet Gordon in the kitchen. He tells them that orders from the menus were about even. So it’s not about the quantity but the quality. He says that the Red Team was hurt by the pasta appetizer. And the Blue Team was screwed by the filet mignon. He then orders Matt to take his bandana off, telling him he looks like Homer Simpson. The losing team is the Blue Team. He says that Petrozza is extremely sloppy, but he’s still the best of the worst. He’ll be nominating two for elimination. Petrozza does his whole “tortured soul” routine where he agonizes about what to do.

Jen argues to Petrozza that TB should be going home before her. And TB tells Petrozza Jen is deceitful and poison to the team. Everyone — including the Red Team — wants to see Jen and her big mouth leave. Petrozza says that TB is the weakest link, but Jen is hard to be around. And Gen is the strongest competition.

At elimination, Petrozza chooses TB because he lacks the skills to compete at this level. The second nominee is Jen because she thinks she has more to teach than to learn. But she actually has more to learn than teach. Well put.

Gordon decides to do something he’s never done before and asks Petrozza to decide who should go home. Neither are given a last minute plea. Petrozza pauses and then selects Toilet Brush. Gordon agrees with his decision. And TB doesn’t even get to make an exit and say his peace to the camera! Such a shame! I was really looking forward to more talking about “not faking the funk.”

Gordon says he’s not done yet and asks Matt to come forward. He tells Jen that she may be able to manipulate her team, but she can’t manipulate him. And he tells Matt that he’s lucky to be here. He tells them both to take off their jackets. Everyone is confused and for a split second, I experience PURE JOY, thinking that they both might be going home! But then he tells them to switch teams. My dreams are dashed.

We haven’t had a good cringe shot in awhile.

Next week, we’re down to the final six. It looks like one lucky chef will be sent to Vegas, and Matt will completely unravel and go completely bonkers. Can you all believe that he’s lasted this long? I have no idea how he outlasted Toilet Brush!

So who do you guys think will make it to the end? As much as Corey irritates me, she does seem to be a competent chef. I think it might be between her and the General.

See you Tuesday!
love, MandaMo
xoxo