Hell’s Kitchen: Super Blue!

Did anyone else see the story this week about how Gordon Ramsay was diagnosed with an ulcer for having eaten so much bad food in Hell’s Kitchen? I guess he’s pretty upset with Fox for choosing such idiotic and incompetent contestants. And if you didn’t think they were bad before, then I’m sure you do now after a serving of Fried Finger Special.

What are you smiling about, sassy?Back at the house, the teams talk about the impending culinary warrior swap. Corey immediately starts bullying Jen to volunteer to make the switch. She tells Jen that she would be a better asset to the Blue Team. Rosann interjects saying that if they’re bad, they could bring Jen down. Corey says that only means that Jen is weak. Corey is such a jerk. I think they should have sent Rosann over there because she is dead weight. Why get rid of such a strong player? But Corey says that if Jen left, she’d have more control over the Red Team, and since she’s a power hungry crazy person, this is her goal. Jen tells the women that she’ll have to sleep on it and then tells us that Corey is a “manipulative ass bitch” who thinks she’s stupid.

The next morning, the teams meet in the dining room, and RamJam immediately asks for a volunteer to join the Blue Team. There is silence and then Jen finally speaks up. Jen says that she doesn’t want to play it safe and wants to check out the competition.

Christina tells us that she’s glad Jen’s gone because she’s a roadblock. It’s pretty obvious that Corey and Christina are threatened by Jen. But that’s that and now it’s time for today’s challenge.

Everyone get ready for the 20 Item Challenge! Can you handle it? Each kitchen will have 20 ingredients in it, and each chef will have to prepare one dish. All 20 items must be used as a team but none of them can be repeated. They have 45 minutes to complete their dishes.

Both teams divide their ingredients, and one of the ingredients is a VERY large and VERY alive crab. Confused, it saunters off the plate it’s sitting on. I really hope that it runs around like Sebastian in “The Little Mermaid” during that scene with the French chef where he scurries away from the butcher knife and hides under and behind various things. And then the chef finally catches Sebastian, but mistakenly thinks he’s dead, so he throws flour in his face and stuffs him with breadcrumbs. That would be AWESOME. Tragically, nothing like that occurs.

“Les poisson les poisson! Hee hee hee HAW HAW HAW!”

The Red Team is moving along swimmingly until BAM! Matt chops off his finger while cutting the pancetta! I’m so excited that this happened immediately into the show, and we didn’t have to wait for it because I’ve been looking forward to this all week! And, by the way, it’s not really his whole finger, it’s the very tip of his thumb. Corey mistakenly says that a half-inch is gone, but it’s nothing that dramatic. Still, it’s enough to really hurt, and Matt dances around like there’s ants in his pants. Of course, he responds to the situation by massively cringing. He even does a fun new type of cringe that involves him worriedly biting his bottom lip. For a minute, I wonder if he’ll bite that off too, and tiny pieces of his body will keep getting cut or bit off. Again, tragically, nothing like that occurs.

“AAA! Somethin’ jumped up and bit me!”

“Part of my finguh is gone!”

“The pain! The pain! Save me from the pain!”

Matt gets whisked away to a closet where a First Aid peep checks it out. The Red Kitchen keeps things moving and works to finish Matt’s dish. Then Chef Ramsay comes over with a rather astute question, “Where’s the top of the finger?” Oh, THAT! You know, it’s just chilling in the Cannibal Special! No biggie! Anyway, everyone looks around for the finger, and then Christina says to check in the pancetta, which is busy frying in a pan. So they are literally cooking up Matt’s finger. Maybe that’s his karma for being so damn annoying all the time. But we never do find out where the tip went. I request a sequel episode. I want to know where it is!

Hannibal Lecter, eat your heart out!

The Blue Team is a lot quieter as there is absolutely no communication per usual. Chef Scott points out that they need to start paying attention because ingredients are being repeated by different people.

Wearing one rubber glove, Matt reenters the competition. He says he’s in a lot of pain, but he doesn’t want to lose.

The General decides that he doesn’t want to use his veal and offers it up to somebody else for a surf and turf. Toilet Brush says that he has the surf (red snapper.) And then Jen says that he should take the veal because that’s the best place to put it. TB says that he hates doing surf and turf because it’s just not “his thing.”

With one minute to go, the chefs rush to plate their dishes. For some reason, TB is confused with how to put the veal on the plate with his snapper. Both Jen and the General hurriedly suggest different ways to plate his dish, but he’s doesn’t cooperate at all. Before we know it, time is up and the veal is not on the plate. It is SO. FRUSTRATING. Seriously, Lou, why was it so hard? We understand that you have vision, but sometimes you have to be a little flexible. But, at the same time, it wasn’t really fair that he was forced to take the veal anyway. So I guess I mildly understand.

Jen whispers to TB that he rendered the veal in the sauce. Totally not true, but it’s the only way to trick Gordo into believing that they used all the ingredients. TB, being quite dramatic, says that lying to Gordon will HAUNT HIM FOREVER. A little extreme, might you say?

Anyway, enough of that. Time to face the music. First up is Christina and Petrozza. Christina presents a fried snapper with crab meat and hollandaise. YUM!!! I LOVE HOLLANDAISE!!! In fact, I just love condiments in general. The only reason I eat fish is for the tartar. Petrozza has a warm crab salad with an onion soufflé. Chef thinks both dishes are perfect, so he gives them both a point.

Jen and Nine-Finger Matt are next. Jen created a pancetta wrapped roasted quail. Matt has pan-roasted quail on top of arugula (with finger). Gordon says that Matt should have pulled out the liver because it taints the flavor of the quail, so Jen wins.

Corey and the General follow. Corey has a lemon-braised chicken with artichokes, which Gordon says is disappointing and plain. The General presents walnut encrusted buffalo mozzarella chicken with balsamic glaze. He gives the point to Corey’s boring dish because Gen used too much glaze. And, it’s true. Half the plate is covered in a purplish, gelatinous glaze that really grosses me out. I think I just met the first condiment that I probably wouldn’t like.

So the score is tied, and it’s down to the Toilet Brush and Rosann. Rosann presents a pan-seared veal with a cream sauce and oven-roasted potatoes. Gordo says that the presentation looks very clumsy, and with the bone left in, it looks like something that you’d feed to your dog. A stammering TB has created a red snapper in oyster mushroom sauce.

Where’s the beef?

Gordon loves it and says it tastes lovely. He then asks how many items were used. TB coyly glances over his shoulder and says four. Confused, Gordon starts adding up the Blue Team’s items in his head and realizes that only 19 ingredients were used. He wants to know what happened to the veal. Jen interrupts, saying that it was TB’s idea to use the veal as a surf and turf, but that he didn’t put it on at the last minute. Whoa! Totally sold out little Lou.

“Two plus two does not equal five, ya donkeys!”

The Blue Team automatically loses. Petrozza has a funny testimonial as he says, “Why didn’t you put the veal on? It was right THERE! It was right THERE!” Petrozza cracks me up. He’s such a funny little man. And he kinda reminds me of Jon Lovitz. The Blue Team now must spend all day doing laundry by hand. The Red Team, however, will be going on a photoshoot with G-Ram for InTouch Magazine. Toilet Brush goes into the hallway and beat himself up by curling into the fetal position and sobbing like a baby.

The girls walk around in their underwear and get ready. Then head down to Hollywood where they meet a VERY dapper Gordo looking extremely yumsay in a tux! The ladies get their hair and makeup did and really clean up quite nicely. Especially Rosann! She is quite the looker, I must say. Even Rams is surprised by how well she cleans up.

Hands off, ladies! This little devil is mine!

In the laundry room, Jean-Philippe is trying his hardest to cheer up Jen who is extra mopey after their loss. He brings in Sebastian, the live crab, and tells her that he’s as feisty as she is today. Jen forces a fake laugh, and I’m really confused because that was hilarious! How could she not laugh? JP is such a cutie! And he’s holding an enormous crab! And making it talk! If that isn’t the formula for comedy, then I don’t know what is. But Petrozza says that Jen is a volcano, and if she goes off, it could mess up their whole little kitchen village. Well put.

Jen says that it’s not fair she’s there because “as usual” her dish was “flawless.” Ugh, annoying. And, by the way, why are they using equipment that hasn’t been used since pioneer days? I haven’t seen stuff like this since Pa Ingalls packed up the oxen and moved Laura, Mary, Carrie and Grace out to the Big Woods.

Next on the agenda: Caulk the wagon and ford the river.

The teams get to the kitchen and start prepping for dinner service. Jen, holding a grudge, bosses Brushy around. And the Red Team is NOT missing her attitude. Matt even sings a little happy song. They think that things will move better without her. Gordon asks what it’s like not having Jen, and Christina says that it’s great. Then Gordo asks how the Blue Team is doing, and Jen says that they’ve bonded together and are working as a team. Um, what team are YOU on? That’s a little far fetched, wouldn’t ya say?

Gordon then tells everyone that tonight they will be serving two of America’s finest food critics, and their reviews will help determine a winner. And with that, Hell’s Kitchen is open for service.

Everyone files in, including the critics. Sporting a very high hemline and pink jacket is Sophie Gayot of Gayot Guides and Merill Schindler of Zagat Guides. I think he should start his own guide like Sophie has and call it Schindler’s List. Ba dum ching! They decide to order the same dishes from each kitchen, so they can compare. Sophie, by the by, definitely has that strange platypus complex with the bulbous nose and thin lips. I’m pretty sure that this is EXACTLY what Heidi Montag can look forward to looking like two decades down the road.

To Spencer Pratt: Good luck!

Corey says that now that Jen is gone, it’s her time to shine, so she’s going to step up and lead the team. And the critics like her risotto, so well played. TB knows that he has to redeem himself from the challenge, so he cooks scallops like never before. And Gordon says they are perfect! The critics think they are wonderful, too. So far, so good.

Now this is where things start to fall apart for the Red Team. It’s Matt’s turn to impress and he does anything but. He cuts up the filet mignon in uneven portions. There is a huge one, a medium one and a tiny one. And the tiny one will shrink when it cooks and only get smaller. Then Matt says, “All right, let’s wake up, guys. Especially me.” Huh? Sometimes I swear he has a learning disability. Not only does he constantly talk to himself, but now he orders himself around!

An edible representation of the Blue Team: The General, Petrozza, Toilet Brush

The Blue Kitchen is having beef issues too. Petrozza cuts the filet in half before TB is ready with the side dish, despite Jen’s warning. Gordon is furious because the flavor and juice is going to drain out. Petrozza says that he just couldn’t contain himself from looking inside. Now TB has to rush before Petrozza’s beef is ruined.

In the Red Kitchen, Christina overcooks the salmon and then needs a full seven minutes to make a new one. I guess it should only take, like, two minutes or something. Christina totally freaks out because she has to make two entrees and scallops at the same time. Rams says that if she can’t do two things at once, then she doesn’t belong there. Xtina gets all huffy and puffy and starts making excuses. Did anyone else notice how red she was this episode?

Hey Kool-Aid!

The critics taste Christina’s salmon and think it’s just so-so. But they love Toilet’s salmon. It’s more flavorful and beautifully presented. And the critics can’t help but notice that none of the tables on the red side even have food.

Rosann, who’s on vegetables AGAIN, still doesn’t know what she’s doing and starts a fire. Why are there so many fires on this show? Seriously, I haven’t seen a kitchen fire as big as Rosann’s since my friend Claire put an extremely dry piece of bread in a toaster oven. You wouldn’t think that would create a spark, but she almost burned down a whole house with it. Well, anyway, then Rosann confesses that she’s running out of…well, everything. Gordo gets so flustered that he beats his head against the wall, which is never a good sign.

Then, SIGH, Matt tries to serve up raw beef. Rams yells at him so loudly that it startles the critics. So Matt tries again and serves up very overcooked beef. Rams cannot believe that Matt would even consider serving it to a critic. He throws the pan, and kicks them all out of the kitchen.

Matt gets upset for being kicked out of the kitchen and goes and cries outside. Then Corey cries because she’s a hard worker but everyone else is an idiot. Whatever. The Blue Kitchen is still rolling, and Jen could not be more excited that the Red Team crashed and burned (literally.) Petrozza says they are like “Super Blue!”

You’d think she won the lottery.

The teams meet Chef Ramsay in the kitchen, and he reads the reviews from the critics. The Blue Team’s food was good and well arranged. The Red Team’s food was sloppy, lacked any passion and any flavor. Jen can barely keep herself from cracking up. Corey is named best of the worst and will nominate two for elimination. You know she loves the power. Rosann tells Corey that Matt should go because he repeatedly messed up the meat. Christina says that she knows she had a bad night but that Rosann and Matt mess up more than she does. Then Matt tells Corey that he should stay because he never gives up.

At elimination, Corey nominates Matt and Rosann, saying that she likes Rosann but she’d never want to work with her ever again. Gordo says that he wants Christina to step up too because she’s had one bad service, and it’s not her first.

Christina says that tonight’s service was really bad but she knows she can do better. Gordo asks if it’s time for her to go back to culinary school. She says that she’s a fighter and she really wants to be there. Rosann says that she wants to stay because she’s learning a lot. She’s 33-years-old but she has the stamina and energy of a teenager, and she does not give up. Gordon immediately puts Rosann back in line. Matt says that he’s nauseated by his own performance and can’t believe it was him. (I can!)

In a surprising turn of events, Gordon randomly eliminates Rosann. It’s shocking because we thought she was safe after she was put back in line. Gordo tells her that it’s time to go back to her daughter. Rosann is disappointed in herself, but she says blah blah blah my daughter blah blah blah my daughter blah blah.

Doesn’t she look like she’s wearing a little stovepipe hat here?

Christina tells us that she feels like her days are numbered, so she needs to make the biggest comeback in Hell’s Kitchen. Matt says that you can call him a donkey all day or a fat pig or some other insults that are bleeped out, but that he’ll never give up.

Next week, everyone on the Blue Team gets annoyed with Jen’s enormous mouth. And the teams will cook their own creations. I really hope Matt’s raw quail egg with caviar and white chocolate is on the menu! And Chef Ramsay will do something at elimination that he’s never done before! What do you guys think it will be? I’m hoping for a double elimination!

So I’m pretty sure that Matt’s good dinner service the previous week was just a fluke. And although I started to warm up to Jen, she’s now working on my last nerve.

See you Tuesday!
love, MandaMo
xoxo