Hell’s Kitchen: So Long, Farewell, Auf Weidersehn, Good-Bye!

So. This past week I learned that I have been misspelling Chef Ramsay’s name for the past seven episodes. Shout out to jakeinla for the heads up!

All I can say is Oops! Sorry Chef. I hope someday you will be able to forgive me.

Anyhoo, this week, Ryan Seacrest can’t control the animals in his zoo, yet again, so for the second time this season American Idol bleeds into Hell’s Kitchen. Thankfully it’s only about two minutes this time. But still. It’s the principle, you know?

On their way back to the mandatory bitch/smoke session, Gio pulls Carol aside and talks to her about letting go of all the bullshit with Andrea. Their goal is to win, he tells her, not to fight with each other.

Carol takes full responsibility for her crap performance and then proceeds to say it wouldn’t have been as bad if she was working with a competent chef. Andrea.

Gio tells us that Carol’s piss poor attitude is bringing the whole team down. See, the difference here between what Gio is doing versus the rest of the red team is that he’s actually trying to win Carol over. He’s not berating her, even though it sounds like he wants to. It’s a good move on his part.

Carol tells us she would rather work with PrettyGirl than Andrea at this point. I think she is full of crap. There is no way in hell she would want to work with PrettyGirl. She’s forgetting how much she hated her before she was moved to the blue team.

We’ve now arrived at the bitch/smoke session. LA tells PrettyGirl that she is so lucky Chef Ramsay doesn’t see what goes on behind the scenes. I think LA is being a little naïve to think that Ramsay hasn’t seen the footage. Aside from the fact that Scott and Gloria are IN the kitchens with these people, I think he is well aware of the bullshit that has been going on. He’s just trying to build drama.

She goes on to ask PrettyGirl if she really can see herself running a million dollar restaurant. “You’re here for the rewards. You’re here for the trips.” Yeah, I think that could be said of most of them. I don’t see any of them running a restaurant of that caliber. Not that it matters because they won’t be running it anyway.

PrettyGirl says she is there to learn. I could actually see going there for the learning experience. You really could take a lot away from this if you had the right attitude. IF. The problem here is that her attitude sucks major ass.

Robert tells her if she’s there to learn she shouldn’t be fighting people who could actually teach her something. You know, that is really easy to say, but everyone treats her like crap. Yes, she brought it on herself, but who wants to learn from someone you know hates you?

Maybe it’s just me, but I think the whole situation is fucked beyond repair and whatever she was hoping to gain from the experience, she’s not getting it because she sabotaged herself. PrettyGirl concludes this segment by telling us it only matters what Chef Ramsay thinks. Well, she’s right there.

The next morning, instead of gathering in the dining room, everyone lines up in the kitchen. Chef Ramsay tells them today they will be working with a dish that he thinks is “somewhat special”. Wow. I don’t even know if that’s a step up or down from the “slightly special” of last week. Way to build it up there, Chef.

Tartare is the dish. Beef and scallop. Not together. A beef tartare and a scallop tartare. YUM. I LOVE tartare So. Freaking. Much.

Crap. Now I’m hungry. I have to go eat something.

Okay, sorry about that little interuption. Like I said, LOVE the tartare. Chef Ramsay demonstrates his tartare-making skills and while doing so asks PrettyGirl if she likes tartare. She’s never had it. I am not surprised. No one else admits to not having made tartare before.

Ramsay passes around the completed dishes for everyone to try. But he is very tricksy. The beef is actually tuna and the scallops are actually sea bass. Oh, I love when he does shit like that.

Now, I would like to think that I would never be so foolish as to mistake tuna for beef, but who the hell knows? I’m even less sure about scallops versus sea bass, so I’ll try not to judge too harshly here.

As usual, they’re all wetting their pants over how awesome Chef Ramsay’s food is. Hey guys? Maybe if your heads weren’t so far up his ass you’d be able to tell something is not quite right. Do you ever think that anyone suspects the ingredients are different but is too afraid to say something for fear of looking like a fool?

Ben thinks the scallop is just phenomenal. And unbelievable. Robert? Any thoughts? The beef is his favorite. “I could eat a bowl of that.” Oh my God. I am cracking up as they weave a rope and hang themselves with it. Carol and Andrea add themselves to the dumbass list as they gush over how wonderful the dishes are.

Ramsay tells them they are all completely wrong. Hahaha.

Carol tells us it never even crossed her mind that it wasn’t beef. “Damn, I’m a moron.” I’m glad you can be honest about yourself, Carol. Ramsay reminds Ben about how wonderful he thought the scallop was, and Robert is just glad he’s not the only idiot.

Ramsay tells them that in order to be a great chef you have to have an exceptional sense of taste. I wholeheartedly agree with that. Their next challenge will be the taste test! O Yeah. I love this challenge.

Carol tells us she was looking forward to this challenge the most. She IS going to win this. We’ll see. Since the red team has one more member than the blue team, one person will need to sit out. LA’s hand shoots up so fast, I think she may have dislocated her shoulder.

Ramsay gives LA some crap about not being confident in her own palate. But she tells us her taste is a little off plus she’s a smoker so she thought it was a smart move.

Here’s another thing I don’t understand. Why do so many chefs smoke? I know the job is very stressful, but smoking seriously impairs the taste buds. And they need their taste buds to do their job well. Talk about self sabotaging.

On to the challenge.

Ben and Andrea are up first. C&A: “The blind taste test will help Chef Ramsay determine who has a good palate. Something he believes is essential to being a great chef.” Also essential to being a great chef? The ability to COOK.

Andrea and Ben each don their blindfolds and headphones, and Ramsay tests to see whether they are working by calling Ben a fat fuck. Robert is giggling about that, but I’d be worrying what he was going to say to me when my turn came.

Now that Chef Ramsay is satisfied, we move on to the taste test. Each round will have four ingredients. Ben and Andrea’s ingredients are filet mignon, fried egg whites, beets and romaine. They both get filet wrong. Ben is close guessing sirloin, and Andrea guesses liver. Wha???????? Both score points on egg whites and beets, but only Ben gets romaine. Now the guys lead by one point.

Next! Robert versus Gio. First ingredient is turnip. Blech. I hate turnips. Gio guesses asparagus which is, of course, wrong. While Gio is guessing, Robert is shouting out his answer of: “Cream of cauliflower. Or broccoli. Broccoli, broccoli, broccoli, broccoli….” That was hilarious.

Next they have pea tendrils and they both get it wrong. Gio has never heard of “pea tenders”, and Robert’s like “Hello? Have you seen me? Do I look like I eat pea tendrils?”

Next is lobster, which you would think would be an easy one. But then you, like me, would be wrong. Gio guesses poached egg yolk. Oooookay. Robert’s guess is no better. He thinks it’s mushroom.

Their last ingredient is black truffle. Danny and Ben think it’s a definite win here because truffles are Robert’s favorite food. REALLY. You can’t make this shit up. When asked what it is, Robert replies, “Tastes like shit whatever it was.” LOL. Gio doesn’t even guess. He says he’s never tasted that before in his life. No points for anyone this round.

Ramsay asks LA if she’s sorry now that she was so quick to sit this one out. Of course she is. That was a dumb question, Chef.

Let’s see how Carol does against PrettyGirl. First up is mushroom which Carol gets right and PrettyGirl doesn’t. Next they have calf’s liver. Carol gets it with a “Gross. It tastes like liver.” PrettyGirl guesses foie gras. Wrong animal. They both get broccolini wrong, and both get sweet potato right. The score is now 5-4 in favor of the red team.

Andrea tells us she is happy that Carol put them into the lead. And then…”I gotta be nice. Today.” Have I mentioned lately that I think she is an evil witch?

It all comes down to Paula and Danny. Ramsay is changing it up for the final round. They will both taste an entire dish. This dish has ten ingredients. If they correctly guess an ingredient, they will score a point. We are not told how many guesses they will get. Shady. Although the max is ten. I’m guessing.

Ramsay whispers, “And the dish is minestrone soup.” Did that remind anyone else of the old Password show?

Danny scores three points in a row with chicken stock, carrot and celery, while Paula is thwarted in her attempts by potato, water and sausage. The men are now up by two, but can they hold on to their lead?

Next Danny guesses salt and chicken and scores no points. Paula is staging a comeback with beans and bacon. And whadda you know? They are now tied. Really? These ties before a win are now really aggravating me. You cannot have a tie every single fucking time! It’s against the laws of probability. Ugh. Now I’m annoyed.

After a strategically placed commercial break, Danny guesses Maderia, which is wrong. Paula guesses celery, and with that the red team has won.

Ramsay tells them that as the winning team, they are all going to be stars of a photo shoot with TV Guide. Don’t the women win that prize every year? I don’t understand HOW but, could the fix be in? I have to check this out. Excuse me.

You can imagine Jeopardy! music playing here to pass the time…..da da da da da da da . da da da da d’dadadadada. Da da da da da da da. Da. Da da da da da da. Bomp. Bomp.

Okay. I’m back. So. It doesn’t look like there was a photo shoot prize during the first season. BUT every other season, the photo shoot has been won by the women’s team (or mostly women’s team). Yep. The fix has got to be in one this one.

Ramsay tells the blue team to turn those frowns upside down. They will be participating in the photo shoot also. Oh, never mind. Go back to frowning because you will be serving the red team during their photo shoot. Heeheehee. I love those evil punishments. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they also have to prep both kitchens for service that night. That sucks. Big time.

Danny reminds us that this is the third time they’ve had to prep both kitchens. I’m not counting the first time since they didn’t finish. But back to back double preps? That is brutal.

PrettyGirl is annoyed that they have to wait on those snooty little bitches. There is talk about banging it out and not letting it be like last time. I’m thinking they should be happy Ramsay will be there in the dining room. PrettyGirl is less likely to walk out again.

The red team goes into hair and makeup. Some need it much MUCH more than others. Paula’s happy to be doing the photo shoot rather than having to prep the kitchen. Well, really. Duh.

Carol tells us her first job was working in a salon. Hmm, I have to say that is not a shocking revelation. She would love to do Chef Ramsay’s hair. I bet.

Ben offers Paula a drink, while PrettyGirl has some chocolate dipped strawberries for Gio. He doesn’t want any. They don’t show Andrea or Carol interacting, but Paula and Gio seem to be behaving nicely toward the blue team.

PrettyGirl tells us she is jealous. “I have always wanted to have my hair done and my makeup done. I have a face for the magazines, come on.”

Craig Tomashoff from TV Guide has arrived and will be joining them for lunch. While he’s giving them some pointers on interviews, Ramsay call over to the blue team, “Hey losers, we’re ready.”

As they start to serve the food, Ramsay chastises them because there is no water on the table. And they serve the men before the women. Hey! Bros before hos, right?

Danny is annoyed by all their inane questions. “Where’s our water? Where’s our silver? Where’s our salt and pepper?” I have to agree with him here, I mean, how ridiculous can you get, expecting silverware? Jeesh. What a bunch of prima donnas.

As the red team moves from their luncheon to the actual photo shoot, Ben is serving more drinks. As he leans in, the flash goes off and he jumps, spilling his tray in the process.

They continue on with their photo shoot, taking a moment to laugh at Ben’s folly. Andrea does some fake laughing bullshit in the photos, but her eyes are dead. Someone call Tyra!

Apparently it blows Andrea’s mind to try and fathom the thought that someone will have her picture on their coffee table. Yeah. As a coaster. Radical, dude.

C&A: “As the red team wraps their first shot, the blue team is busy wrapping the Wellingtons.”

Ben asks PrettyGirl what she’s working on. Potatoes. “I’m still working on potatoes. Do you guys need anything else before you stop me again? No, really. Do you need anything else?”

Ben asks that she just try to bang those out a little quicker. Wow. That is so much nicer than I would be. She is, of course, her usual graceful and charming self.

Ben tells us that there are few people he’s met that have created such a sick feeling in his stomach. Yep. She’s a rare one alright, Ben.

Back in the dining room, the photo shoot continues. For their second shot, they get to wear something “glamorous”. Carol thinks she looks like a hooker. Gio thinks she looks beautiful.

We rejoin the blue team, still working on prep. Service is drawing closer and they need to kick it up a notch. Robert asks PrettyGirl if she can get rid of some “dirty stuff” which I am taking to mean dirty dishes, and she responds with “Yeah, I’ll get right on it.”

Danny thinks she should either shut up and cook or “pack up her knives and get out.” Danny, I think you think you’re on a different show. Don’t make Padma come over there and beat your ass.

She mutters under her breath about jackasses, and you just know that the guys feel much the same way about her. And then Danny tells her to set up her station. Her response? “Hee haw.” She really needs an ass whooping. PrettyGirl’s mom, whoever you are, wherever you may be, your daughter needs a spanking. Spoiled fucking brat.

We’re ending prep now, and LA thinks it’s good to go into service a little nervous, not too cocky. I think I agree with her.

Carol thinks she’s going to have her best service ever tonight. Jinx! Even though the red team is only up by one chef, Carol feels like having PrettyGirl actually handicaps the blue team as if they were down by two. PrettyGirl is Just. That. Bad. No arguments here.

PrettyGirl is on the meat station tonight. Danny is trying to help her by going through a checklist of things that she should have. She is her usual cheerful self. Ever so grateful that someone is helping and guiding her through this.

JP, open Hell’s Kitchen!

Tonight there are some celebrities in the house. Eric McCormack and Robert Patrick. Did they get paid to show up also? Are their careers really that bad off? I need details!

Robert and Paula are on apps tonight. Paula delvers her first app to the pass. It’s risotto and it’s awful. Time for everyone to gather round and taste. Ramsay tells Paula it’s unedible. Chef, I believe the word is inedible, but we get the point. He expects more from her.

Hopefully Robert can do better. His first app is spaghetti, and it seems that he has cooked a whole pound of spaghetti. Ramsay tells him he’s cooking for the customers, not himself. Hah.

Ramsay tells Ben to stop what he’s doing and help Robert. Robert doesn’t want help. He wants to do it himself. Ben tells us he will help anyone who needs help. “I am the best cook on our team.” Nope. You are not.

Ben gets his hand slapped when he answers Ramsay’s question of how long? “I didn’t say take over, I said help. There’s a big difference.” You got served, son!

Let’s see how Paula does with her next risotto. Ramsay has only one question for her: “How can you go from a disgusting risotto, to one that’s perfect?” Success for Paula.

Now we’re moving on to the entrees, and already Carol is having issues. She’s going to need five to seven minutes longer for her well done Wellingtons. When she tells Ramsay her oven is at 400, he tells her to ramp it up to 500. “Are you ditzy?”

Ramsay turns to Paula: “Eh Paula? I’m backed up and she’s acting ditzy. I’m warning you now; we’re going to be in the fucking shit if we don’t start getting this stuff done.” I didn’t think you could be backed up and in the fucking shit. I guess try some Metamucil and Imodium, maybe that’ll even you out. Hell if I know.

Back in the blue kitchen, PrettyGirl is doing nothing that will help Ramsay’s IBS. He tells her she better not make him look stupid. Too late. She is beyond lost on that meat station.

Ben’s trying to help her, but when he asks her to tell him what’s going on, all she can say is “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.” Now Danny’s pitching in trying to help. He asks if she has her lamb reheating. No, she does not.

Danny starts talking her through it slowly. Now get it in the oven, grab a pan…..basically trying to spoon feed her what she needs to do. This is all while both he and Ben are taking care of their own stations.

Ramsay asks Ben how long, and he tells him that they’re gonna need some more time from the meat station. When Ramsay wants an answer from her, the only one she can give him is “I don’t know how long Chef. Really”

He tells the guys to get over and help her. She tells them she’s no good at meat. This is a rapidly devolving situation. Now she’s got something burning in one of her pans, and then she’s yelling at Ramsay that she can’t cook meat.

And then. Oh then comes the moment I have been waiting for since the first time she walked out on her team. Ramsay screams at her to get out.

YES! I cannot even believe this! This is awesome! FINALLY. We get to relive it again after the commercial break, and it is a wonderful thing to behold.

But now he’s following her into the back room. She says she just got really confused. He tells her she needs to say something if she’s confused. And then he asks her if she wants to go back in and make an effort.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

He freaking lets her back in. Are you fucking kidding me? Chef, I may have to break up with you now. This is an awful idea. Just kick her out already!!! ARGH! Just when I thought she was out, he pulls her back in.

So she’s back. Her teammates look about as thrilled as you’d expect. Ben tells her to just work with him now. Which one of the Wellingtons is well done? Of course she has no idea. He’s going with the smallest one, which is actually great reasoning. Way to go Ben!

Then it looks like he burns his hand. I have burnt my fingers on a hot pan before and it is no picnic. That shit hurts like hell. I think she might be on her own for a little while.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse….Robert splits his pants. He keeps right on cooking, and I laugh and laugh. God, I needed that. Thanks Robert!

Chef Scott announces that “Robert’s ass is hanging out all over the place.” Robert tells us he feels a little breeze on the back of his ass. It makes him happy.

Over in the red kitchen Carol is still having issues. Now her Wellingtons are cold in the middle. She tells Chef she’ll need five minutes. Andrea asks her to make sure she gives a countdown for that because she needs to be able to time her food to go with Carol’s.

Carol is basically ignoring her. Carol brings her dish up to the pass without ever having given Andrea a countdown or warning, so Andrea is not ready. Ramsay is not pleased. When she does bring up the Dory, it’s overcooked, so she gets yelled at.

Andrea blames Carol (I know, shocking), Carol thinks Andrea should have just made a new one. They are working as a team so much better. I am so proud of them.

Even with the issues in the red kitchen their customers are getting their food. Robert Patrick thinks his is delicious! But poor Eric McCormack still hasn’t gotten his entrees. PrettyGirl! Where are they?

Ramsay sends Ben back to his station and PrettyGirl starts her next meltdown “Oh fuck, no way.” Danny assures her that he’s got her. Ramsay just keeps yelling “VIP. VIP.” I don’t know why I think that’s so funny, I just do.

PrettyGirl now goes with the brilliant plan of just bringing up everything she has in the hopes that something will be right. Yeah, that doesn’t work out so well for her.

The lamb she’s brought up is mangled looking, and the bone is thicker than the actual meat. “It’s not good enough, get out! You’re not good enough! Piss off!” Is he for real this time? Last time I celebrated and he broke my heart. Can Chef Ramsay be trusted again?

He follows her into the back room again, and now I’m thinking he’s going to let her back in , which is utter bullshit. “Madam, look at me, let’s be honest. You’re done.” What did he say? “You can’t waste my time any longer.” She agrees. Is this really happening? “Give me your jacket, and leave Hell’s Kitchen.”

Ramsay wants her to go in and say goodbye. Why? As you can imagine, the guys are devastated that Ramsay is sending her home. They may never recover from this loss. I think Robert voices their sorrow the best: “Adios, Biatch.” Well said Robert, well said.

PrettyGirl tells us it’s sort of a relief; she can get back to her normal life. But another part of her wishes she could stay and still have a chance to win. Oh honey, you never had a chance to win. You silly self deluded little girl.

“You know, my mom told me when I came here, don’t make enemies. And that’s the first thing I did. And kept doing the whole time I was here. Sorry Mom, I should have listened.” Yes, you should have. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, DIDN’T. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!

Let’s take a minute (1:42 to be exact) and say good bye to PrettyGirl. I’ll miss her like an infected cold sore. Sigh.

Okay, back to service. Can the blue team rally together? YES THEY CAN! They start banging it out. Good for them.

Meanwhile, food has started coming back to the red kitchen. Specifically meat that is undercooked. Rut roh. Ramsay wants to know if she’s going to blame the oven again, or maybe she’d like to blame the sheep. I’d go with that one.

She slices into a Wellington that she’s praying is well done. It’s not. It looks raw in the middle. She tells LA to pull back on the garnish which aggravates LA. She’s got all this stuff ready to go and she has to wait. “The meat station is not that hard.” Now LA is getting yelled at for cold potatoes. Thanks Carol!

The blue team is still kicking ass, and is now on their last ticket.

Carol is still floundering. Ramsay wants to know where the chicken is. “It’s coming.” “Yeah, so’s Christmas madam.”

Now she can’t find it, someone must have grabbed it! Sabotage!! Oh wait, it’s right here, right in front of her fucking face. Ramsay apologizes to the waiter. “Sorry about the time yeah. Ditzy’s nail broke.” Hee hee.

The blue team finishes their last ticket and earns a “well done” from Chef Ramsay. They are proud of themselves, and they should be.

He doesn’t even let the red team finish. He goes in to berate Carol, Andrea and LA and tells them to shut it down.

The blue team won this service by a mile. Ramsay tells them, “Since I’ve been here, I’ve never ever seen more teamwork than tonight. Well done.” That’s gotta feel good.

He tells LA the only thing missing for her on service tonight was her alarm clock and sleeping blanket. Ouch. He tells the red team that they did not work as a team. Now all five of them need to go upstairs and come up with a consensus of which two of them should be leaving.

Upstairs Carol owns up to her poor performance and says if she was the executive chef, she’d fire herself. No one is going to argue with that, so it’s safe to assume that Carol is going up. But who will the second person be?

Carol’s second vote is Andrea. NO! Andrea nominates Carol and LA. Paula also votes Carol and LA. LA thinks that’s wrong, but she knows why Paula chose her. She’s not going to choose her bff. I really wish Paula had better taste in friends, because her liking Andrea makes me like her much less.

So it’s all on Gio now. Carol says he doesn’t even need to say her name. He picks LA. He thinks Andrea could run a kitchen better than LA. I think he’s right. Sort of. I think LA’s biggest problem with this team is that she is so laid back. That may be great on the line, but she hasn’t shown her team she can lead in the kitchen. Andrea may be bossy (and an evil witch), but she has shown she can take control when needed.

LA votes for Carol and Andrea. Andrea does not think she is one of the weakest on the team. She tells her team, “There is no fucking way I’m going home tonight and there’s no way I’m going up on that block tonight.” The power of positive thinking.

Downstairs Ramsay wants to know if they’ve come to a consensus. Carol says no. Paula says kind of. He wants to know what that means. It means they have different opinions about who should be up. He is pissed. “Cut the bullshit madam. I am in no mood to fuck around now.” He tells Paula to list the two nominees and why.

First nominee is LA. “Her services have been ok, but nothing superb.” Second nominee is Carol. “Carol has had a few very bad services, and tonight was one of them.”

And just for shits and giggles, who was the other person? Andrea.

When Ramsay asks why, Paula says she wasn’t one of her votes. Well, who voted for her? Carol and LA. Andrea rolls her eyes as if to say “Well, of course, that’s because they suck so much. It’s purely based on jealousy of my awesomeness.”

He tells all three of them to step forward. Andrea, on a scale of one to ten, rate your performance tonight. She gives herself a six. “Why so high?” Ramsay asks.

So who do you think should go home if you don’t? “LA.” She thinks at least Carol has the initiative to be a leader in the kitchen. He points out that there is no love lost between the two of them. Carol thinks they have different ways of working, but in the end they get the job done. Ramsay wonders what kitchen they were in tonight.

LA. Why should you stay in Hell’s Kitchen?

Um, okay then! Carol, why should you stay in Hell’s Kitchen on the back of tonight’s performance?

Who would you send home then? “Andrea. LA has been consistent. She hasn’t had a bad service, and she doesn’t make excuses and blame other people for her shortcomings.” Also? She has some killer weed.

The person leaving Hell’s Kitchen is…..Carol. Andrea. Back in line. Report to my room later in your best lingerie.

LA please take off your jacket and leave Hell’s Kitchen. LA thinks Chef Ramsay made the wrong decision. She believes that showing emotion in the kitchen is showing weakness. Wow. That would mean Ramsay is like a wittle bitty puddy cat. So cute, but watch out for the claws!

Ramsay tells the remaining chefs he is looking for a leader and someone better step up and show him they are hungry for this. Yeah, that’ll make for some interesting personality clashes.

As they leave the dining room, Carol shit talks Andrea, and Andrea likens herself to a caged beast who wants to chew everyone up and spit them out. Looking forward to it! Fun times!

Next time on Hell’s Kitchen…..Andrea and Carol fight some more, there is talk of sabotage and some idiot from the dining room tries yelling at Chef Ramsay. You won’t believe who goes home! It’s going to be the most cutthroat episode of the season. Oooooo, pirates!

I’m going to go do some shots in celebration of PrettyGirl’s ouster – any one care to join me? We can get naked wasted and see what happens.

SWAK, PottyMouth