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Okay, maybe not. But it sounds more exciting than what’s actually about to happen. We’ve got a pretty even match this year on Hell’s Kitchen. Who do you think will win?
It’s not her, so you know I’m happy!
And now, the conclusion of Hell’s Kitchen……….
Wow! Are we really at the end of the season already? It seems like only yesterday they were burning Wellingtons and sugaring risotto. Well, not Danny and Paula, but everyone else.
We rewind a little to Paula getting PrettyGirl as the last member of her team. Paula wishes she didn’t have her, Danny’s glad he got to stick Paula with her. Now off to the dorms to get the teams up to speed!
Upstairs, Andrea asks Paula how she feels about her menu. She feels good. Danny wants to know how Carol feels about fish. She feels excellent. “It’s the only station I rocked.” Yeah, definitely don’t put her on the potatoes, Danny. Carol thinks it sucks that she’s on Danny’s team because she wants Paula to win. She is all about the women power. I could totally tell from her use of fake ponytails and hoop earrings. It’s all the rage in modern feminism.
Danny tells them this is his dream about to come true, so they need to understand that he is the man. Alrighty then! Ben thinks Danny is the underdog going into this and he’s going to do his best to help him win. I don’t think I’d call Danny the underdog. He actually won more challenges than Paula. He’s younger, yes, but does that necessarily mean he’s the underdog? I’m not buying it.
Danny tells them to get used to calling him Chef. Gio thinks that’s a great idea.
Man, you are funny!
Then he realizes that Danny is serious.
Fuck you, fish boy.
Gio tells us he’s just here for one more day. “I’d rather be home. I’d rather not see this place ever again.” Tell us how you really feel, Gio.
Over at Paula’s team meeting she wants to know how PrettyGirl feels about the dessert station. She’s fine with it; she’ll be asking everyone for a lot of input. PrettyGirl tells us, “I hope no one has a problem with working with me, although I’m sure everybody has a problem working with me.”
I wonder why
Then, in case we forgot why, the editors helpfully take us down memory lane to all the wonderful times we’ve had with PrettyGirl. Look! There’s her quitting! There it is again! Oh, now she’s crying in bed. Awww, I’m so glad I got to relive this again.
Misty Snot-Encrusted Mem-or-ies, of how PrettyGirl sucked……
LA tells PrettyGirl that they need to bang this out for Paula. She knows. How does Andrea feel about PrettyGirl? “If she gives any negativity or whatever, I swear to God I will unleash a wrath on her like she’s never seen.” Oooooooo, scaaaaaa-ry!
You can shut up too.
PrettyGirl has a positive attitude about what is ahead. “I’d love to believe in my team, but, fuck them, they don’t believe in me, so what the hell’s the point.” Atta girl! You are ready and raring to go, aren’t ya?
The next day both teams begin their prep for the final service. Danny is feeling confident that they’re going to win. Uh oh, Danny. Don’t you know you never say that? You may have just jinxed yourself. Paula says nothing about winning. She just wants them all to work as a team and get prepped for tonight.
Whoa! Even Sous Chef Gloria hates PrettyGirl it would seem. She’s busting her balls about how much she’s missed her while laughing her ass off. Paula tells her to be nice, she needs PrettyGirl. Everyone laughs and laughs and laughs. Well, except for PrettyGirl.
I miss you like an oozing pus-filled boil on my ass
Paula says she’s keeping an eye on PrettyGirl and helping her move along. They talk about prepping the desserts and Paula tells her to start with the creme brulee because that will need time to cool and set. Sounds like a plan!
Over on Danny’s side, Ben is running his mouth. As usual. He tells us he keeps having to remind himself that this is not for him anymore. This is for Danny.
If I killed Danny and took his place would anyone notice?
Paula wants to know how the brulees are doing. She pulls them out of the oven to take a look. They’re still a little soft. Well, that’s not so bad. Uh oh. They’re also curdled. They’re going to need to redo them. With only two hours left before open, I don’t know if that’s really going to happen. Paula thinks PrettyGirl should just go home. Oh! Kick her out Paula! What I would give to see that happen. Each year there is one ginormous fuck up that you just wish someone would kick out. I wonder if they’re not allowed to. PrettyGirl is heartbroken that she fucked up on the desserts. “My bad.”
Both teams have to prepare their menus for Chef Ramsay to taste and comment on. They’re running around trying to get it all done. Danny says he’s stressed out. Ben thinks that a lot of Danny’s success will rest on his shoulders tonight. We’re going to get Ben at full force. Oh Goody. Paula’s not nervous, she’s just trying to get it all done. Andrea refuses to let Paula down. Time for Ramsay to taste their menus.
We don’t get to see the full menu, just one choice each from app, entree and dessert. First up is Paula.
Ramsay loves her pasta dish, calling it “absolutely delicious.” He also loves that it’s a vegetarian dish. He thinks the halibut is dry. He tells Paula she needs to make sure whoever is on fish tonight cooks it properly. Andrea is on the fish station, so Paula’s not worried. Ramsay gets to her dessert, and tells her the texture of the brulee is like scrambled eggs. Yuck. Curdled food grosses me out like nothing else. She darts a meaningful glance at PrettyGirl. Ramsay says she can’t serve that; it will definitely need to be re-thought.
Danny’s turn. Let’s see what he’s got going.
I wish they would have shown something other than the two dishes we saw last week. We got to see new dishes from Paula, but both the app and entree are the same as last week for Danny. Ramsay thinks the duck is too pink. It definitely needs to be cooked longer. He also thinks that Danny’s tempura fried spring onion looks phallic. He wants to cut it or something. He loves the taste, but thinks it shouldn’t be so phallic. How many times can we say phallic in less than five minutes? Danny thinks he’s going to leave it phallic.
That’s how the velvet hammer rolls.
Ramsay also has issues with Danny’s dessert. He thinks the pear is undercooked. Danny doesn’t immediately agree with him, so Ramsay tells him, “I’m not here to argue. I’m here to make you look good.” In a tone that says “Listen to me or lose.”
Chef Ramsay tells us that usually at this time you can see a huge difference in standards, a contrast in styles, but Danny and Paula are neck and neck at this point. He’s waiting to see how they perform in the kitchen. Yeah, I don’t think any of us thought you were going to announce the winner halfway through, Chef.
Paula is trying desperately to keep her eyes on PrettyGirl, but Chef Ramsay pulls her out of the kitchen for a tour of her dining room. It is really pretty. Very soft and inviting. Ramsay thinks it’s subtle and comforting. I really like it.
Danny’s turn. Oh Shit. He went with the Velvet Hammer name after all. Soooo Stupid. Ben thinks it sounds like a porn video. You all know what I think of it. Danny tells Chef Ramsay that every single person in Sarasota calls him velvet hammer. I don’t think that’s something you want to brag about, Danny. Ramsay wants to know the idea behind the fish. Uh, he’s a seafood oriented person. Whatever the fuck that means.
Danny’s side is definitely darker and (I think) less inviting than Paula’s. Ramsay calls it rustic and countrified. He does not mean it as a compliment. I wonder why we’re even wasting time on this because, seriously, we all know this is going to have nothing to do with who ultimately wins. I think my favorite part of this whole segment is Ben, Andrea and Carol all hanging out at the pass talking about both dining rooms. Andrea likes Paula’s dining room way better. Ben agrees. Me too.
Larry, Curly & Ho
Pre-service pep talk. Ramsay asks them how they’re feeling. Good. He tells them he’s extremely proud of them both, and that they both deserve to be there. “Tonight is the night. There’s no rehearsal, there’s no second chance, this is it.” Alright! Let’s get this party started!
JP, open Hell’s Kitchen!
C&A: “Tonight, Danny’s seafood restaurant will go head to head with Paula’s upscale bistro. Each kitchen will serve thirteen tables with fifty diners. Customer reviews, along with Chef Ramsay’s observations will determine who wins a quarter of a million dollars and becomes head chef at the new restaurant at Borgata Atlantic City.”
Both Paula and Danny’s families are there dining in the restaurants. I think it would have been interesting to have them eat in the other person’s restaurant. I would have been curious to see what they thought about their family member’s competitor. Danny’s dad says this is the first time his son has cooked for him. Really? Why hasn’t he ever gone to Danny’s restaurant? That’s kind of fucked up.
Danny is pumped up and talking to his team. He tells them that the first ticket in, he wants a really loud “yes chef”. He wants to intimidate the red team. Sounds like a good plan of action. Andrea’s cheering for team Paula in the red kitchen, while PrettyGirl is concerned about all the things that could go wrong, including her fucking up royally. I just love how she always focuses on the positive.
And the first order comes into Danny’s kitchen. He thanks JP, which I just found to be really cute for some reason. Danny calls the order, and his teams gives a resounding “Yes Chef!” The blue team is talking to each other, giving times and telling each other what they will need.
I think my lip is over salted
Paula calls out her first ticket and is met with silence. We all know how much Ramsay loves it when they’re silent. In an attempt to keep on top of what PrettyGirl is doing, Paula appears to be up her rear. Ramsay tells her for every minute she’s away from the hot plate she’ll run two minutes behind. She tells us she’d rather get yelled at for trying to help than just stand there.
PrettyGirl delivers the salads to the pass, and Ramsay stops the order from going out. One of the scallops is overcooked. So Ramsay yells at Andrea. He also yells at PrettyGirl for turning it over and putting it on the plate anyway. “Get a grip!! Come on Andrea!” PrettyGirl thinks it’s bad that Andrea didn’t cook the scallop properly. She thinks it’s basic stuff that you should know. Ramsay tells Paula she has to have a standard, not just push everything out.
Let’s check in on Danny. Chef Ramsay calls his attention to Carol overcooking the lobster. Danny tells us it shouldn’t be that hard, and he’s losing his mind a little. Ramsay calls both Paula and Danny over for a minute to talk to them about standards and running their brigades. He wants them to be looking at what’s going on, and reminds them that everything that leaves the kitchen tonight is going to be judged. And back to their kitchens they go.
Danny wants to know where his lobster is at. Carol tells him two minutes. She tells us, “He would say he needed something and then want it right that second. I’m like what the fuck?!?” Danny says he hadn’t worked with Carol yet, and she sucked. Hah.
We’re forty-five minutes into dinner service, and apps are leaving the kitchens, which is always a good sign. The diners on both sides are enjoying their food. Now we’re moving on to the entrees. Paula tells Andrea to watch that halibut, and Andrea tells her it’s actually taking a little longer to cook than she thought. Apparently Andrea has never cooked halibut before. Are you kidding me? She brings up the halibut and immediately asks Paula if it’s too dark. Ramsay’s like “You know it’s too dark.”
Did I really let her get to the final three? What was I thinking?
PrettyGirl is loving that Andrea is doing poorly. I can’t blame her for that. If you think about the amount of crap that Andrea has given PrettyGirl, well, I’d be happy to see her fall on her ass too. “It was kind of satisfying in a really sick way.” Andrea calls Paula over to check the re-fired fish, but it needs to cook a little bit longer. LA says she thought PrettyGirl was the weak link, but Andrea is pretty horrible. During all of this Andrea is doing her bobbing around thing while she tries to properly cook the fish.
Danny is anxious to get out his first entrees. He asks where the filets are, and Gio points to Ben and says that they’re waiting on the garnish. Ben says it will be three minutes, and Ramsay wants to know why they’re waiting for potatoes. “Turn the fucking oven up.” Ben finally brings up the potatoes telling Danny it’s a hot plate, and Ramsay is fucking priceless here. “Yeah, it’s gonna be hot, it’s always fucking hot. It’s a kitchen ya donut.” Heeheehee.
Paula is still waiting on halibut from Andrea. Aren’t you glad you picked her first? Paula directs her on what to do at this point, and Ramsay is watching and nodding his head. He likes what he sees. “Paula’s finally found her voice, and she looks like she’s oozing confidence now, but she’s just been screwed by three over cooked halibut. Not good enough.”
Back to Danny. Gio brings up an order of monkfish, but the sauce is way oversalted. Ramsay yells at Gio, then Danny yells at Gio. Danny wants to know how long on the monkfish, and Gio doesn’t answer him. I don’t think he likes being yelled at. “I don’t care if it’s Danny, Paula, it doesn’t matter to me who wins. Fuck it. I don’t care.” WOW. I always wondered if it was written in to their contract that they had to come back if asked, and here’s my answer right here. I think Gio would love to be able to tell them all to shove it up their asses.
Over in Paula’s kitchen PrettyGirl needs a couple more minutes for garnish. She also didn’t realize she was supposed to be working on identical orders, back to back. PrettyGirl says there’s a lot of different stuff in a lot of different pans. Uh, Yeah. I don’t know why you’d put her on that if it’s that complicated, but I guess you have to have her somewhere. LA just wants her to get it done. PrettyGirl thinks Paula’s menu is too complicated.
Ramsay is badgering her to keep trying, and PrettyGirl says it was the first time that he really got to her. “He’s yip yapping British shit in my ear. What’s he gonna do, kick me off the show? Oh wait, hr already did that.” Oh my.
What’s the worst that could happen?
Paula’s calling for cabbage and onions, and PrettyGirl says she’s trying. Here comes Andrea going, “What do you need, what do you need, what do you need, what do you need?” Well, since you ask, I need you to shut the fuck up. PrettyGirl throws her hands up in the air and says, “I don’t know, whatever she said.”
Paula sends LA over to work garnish with PrettyGirl. Paula’s now calling for spinach, and PrettyGirl tells us she is sick of getting yelled at. She’s shutting down. Andrea of course has something to say. “PrettyGirl just acts stupid. She doesn’t own her own behavior, she doesn’t own her station.”
Meet the poster child of owning her own behavior.
Andrea proceeds to take a pan out of PrettyGirl’s hand to cook it herself, and PrettyGirl rightly says, “It’s not going to cook any faster if someone else fucking messes with it.” What a clusterfuck. Paula needs to rein this in fast. In direct contrast, we cut to Danny’s side where he is calling out timing to his team. And they are doing it. Danny is really doing well here. I hope Paula can pull it together.
Two hours into service, it looks like Paula has found her stride. She’s keeping her team in check and getting food out to the dining room. She thinks it’s really intense, but they came together as a team. C&A tells us that food is pouring out of both kitchens, and it’s going to be a race to the finish.
Danny wants to finish first. He tells his team to push, push, push. Both Paula and Danny are on their last ticket. There’s a flurry of activity in both kitchens and at this point they are both trying to finish strong. Andrea thought Paula was spot on tonight. Ben thinks Danny did great, and if he doesn’t win it won’t be because of service. Danny finishes up first and tells his team to clear down. Paula doesn’t give a shit that Danny finished before her, she just wants to finish on a high note with high quality. Did they even serve desserts? They’re showing the entrees up last, so what happened to the desserts?
Paula finishes, and thanks PrettyGirl and Andrea. What about LA? I’m just going to assume she thanked her and they didn’t show it. I can’t imagine Paula snubbing LA like that. Ramsay tells her well done. “It’s not about speed, it’s about quality.”
We see some diners filling out their comment cards, and it seems that they have only good things to say. Of course, we only hear from a couple of them, so who really knows? Danny thanks his team, telling them they did a great job. He tells us the same. “Ben, Gio and Carol put out big time for me today, and I’m very grateful for that.”
The families go up to the pass to tell Paula and Danny what a great job they did, as well as thanking their teams. That was nice. Danny’s dad tells him he’s very proud of him, and I have another awwwww moment. I’m such a sucker for the proud parent moments. Especially when it obviously means a lot to the kid.
Post Service roundup. Ramsay is happy with their performance. “Wow, wow, wow, wow. What a night. We had two great services.” I’ll add another wow. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard him this complimentary. See what happens when you pick a good final two Chef? He also thanks the returning chefs. He says it’s the best two services they’ve ever had in any final. Yep. I agree. He asks them, “Why the fuck didn’t you cook like that for me?” LA says that Paula doesn’t yell, and Carol says Danny smiles. Don’t listen to them Chef! Stay true to yourself.
Ramsay asks Danny and Paula if they’re ready for his decision. They are. “On the back of scrutinizing these customer comments cards, watching the service in both kitchens, missing nothing, the winner of Hell’s Kitchen …………………….lives in Florida.” Oh hardy har har. Of course he isn’t going to say it yet.
He sends Paula and Danny up to the dorms so that he can make his decision. Andrea is sure that Paula won. Ben thinks it will be Danny. And he calls Danny sweetie. Um….oookay. LA thinks it’s a toss up. PrettyGirl is concerned because Paula needed help plating up her food. Danny and Paula both talk about how stoked they are. Enough already! Can we just find out who wins?
They meet Ramsay in his office. He gives them a little speech about how one of them is going to realize their dream and how proud he is of both of them, and then he sends them over to the two doors. You know the drill. Only the winner’s will open. They are so sweet y’all.
We pan through the waiting crowd. We see Danny and Paula’s families waiting too see who’s won. Their brigades are there of course, along with a shitload of random people. I wish one of them would just open the door already!
Christ! How long does he have them under contract?!?!
On the count of three, turn the handles. One. Two. Three!
I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone jump that high. I’m surprised he didn’t end up over the railing. I think he’s a little excited. Paula gets a “Well done” and a hug from Ramsay, and then she gives Danny a hug. Danny tells us that this is incredible and the best he’s ever felt. I’ll tell you, this ending brought a smile to my face. The funny thing is, I would have been smiling like this if it was Paula too.
Paula tells us coming in second isn’t going to stop her. “I am not one least bit upset right now. I’m walking out of here a winner.”
Except for the part where you didn’t win
Sorry Paula! You know I still love you! Awwww, now Danny’s crying. He says it’s the most amazing experience. Then he talks a little about his mom, and it’s really sweet. It would have been even sweeter if he had named his restaurant after her rather than giving it a porno name, but he’s young, hopefully he’ll grow out of stupid shit like that.
And that’s it for this season of Hell’s Kitchen. Thanks so much Gasmi for watching with me, reading my recaps, and sharing your comments. I’ve had a blast with you. Chef Ramsay and I will be back in July for another season. I hope to see you all there.