In honor of this week’s fallen culinary warrior on Hell’s Kitchen, I took it upon myself to do a little research about that loveable American doll that we call the Barbie. Fun Fact #1: Her full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Do they actually make people named “Millicent” anymore? Sounds like a fat girl name.After last week’s elimination, the crew of deflated wanna-be-chefs goes back to the house to smoke some more; thus officially becoming the official poster children for lung cancer. By the end of this season, I’m pulling for at least three tracheostomies.
They all wax reflective on Milton’s premature departure, as well as their own terrible performances. The General says that he’s done being laid back and will take a more aggressive approach from now on. Fatso says that he didn’t realize what he was getting into and didn’t expect to be yelled at every three minutes. Apparently, he’s never seen Gordon Ramsay before and thought he was auditioning for some show hosted by Emerill. Then he adds that he doesn’t lose to girls. Wow, Fatso. We almost made it three whole minutes into the show without your being totally offensive. Let’s shoot for five minutes into the show next week and see if we can’t keep improving.
After the dinner service, the chefs are allowed to sleep in until approximately 5:43 a.m. when Gloria and Scott jolt everyone awake with bullhorns. Everyone jumps to their feet except for Fatso who sits around in his underwear and keeps smearing his hand across his face. Gross. If I NEVER have to see this man in his underwear again, it will be too soon.
He’s so annoying, that he even has to smack himself sometimes.
Our bleery-eyed, pajama-clad warriors meet Gordon outside. He tells them that they wasted so much food last night, that any normal restaurant would have gone out of business. A garbage truck pulls up, and there are two cylinders in the parking lot – a red one and a blue one. Gordon tells them to sort through all the garbage, find all the wasted food and put it back into the cylinder. The garbage bags are color-coded red and blue to differentiate which kitchen they are from.
Jen tells us that it’s gross that people are barefoot, and there are buttcracks showing. She actually dry heaves on camera. And there are a lot of scallops in there, thanks to Milton. For once, she has a valid point. It’s pretty disgusting; I’m not gonna lie. I understand the lesson, but it’s so nasty. Especially because some people aren’t even wearing shoes and most people are still in their pj’s. This is a job that requires fishing waders, rubber gloves, a vat of hand-sanitizer and maybe even a gas mask.
The four-star general has a one-star buttcrack. (And that’s being generous.)
As Barbie delicately sorts through the garbage, Gordon tells her not to smudge her make-up. I know that she wears a lot of make-up, but I don’t think it’s that bad. She doesn’t have on so much that she looks like she’s about to tip over face first or anything. I mean, I certainly don’t wear that much make-up to work, but if I were on national television, I might. So I give her a pass on that. The lack of brains, though, no free passes will be given out there.
After the neatfun trash removal activity, the crew goes to shower and meets Gordon back in the kitchen. He says now that they’ve learned how to waste produce, he’s going to show them how to maximize it. Then he pulls out an enormous halibut.
The Rams sharpens his knife and shows how to properly prepare the halibut. He filets the fish and cuts it into 53 perfect six-ounce portions. It’s funny too because he pronounces the “T” on the end of the word “filet.” There will be no silent letters in Hell’s Kitchen! The fact that Gordon has to give a demonstration on how to fileT a fish before assigning the challenge just goes to show that these people never actually went to culinary school as they’d have us to believe.
“This fish will be put on a stake outside of the kitchen to serve as a warning to all in Hell’s Kingdom!”
For this morning’s challenge, each team will have its own halibut to prepare. The team with the most perfect six-ounce portions will win. Scott and Gloria bring out the fish and flop them down in front of each team. They land with a smack on the tables. I haven’t seen that much dead weight since the last time I looked at Fatso.
With 20 minutes on the clock, Petrozza takes the lead on the Blue Team and starts cutting off fins. Our favorite little Toilet Brush tells Petrozza to make the fish look sexy. I understand that he funnels a lot of love and passion into his work, but it kind of grosses me out. Sexy fish might as well be an oxymoron. But at least Louross sees cooking as a loveable art form, which is refreshing.
The men rush straight through the challenge and finish with more than eight minutes on the clock. The women are taking their time and seem to be using a little more precision and thought. Barbie is doing a lot of the cutting but only with some serious help from Jen and Christina. Jen says that Barbie can’t do anything without lots of coaching. Maybe she’s distracted by her perpetually bent feet that are made for high-heels only. Or her on-again, off-again relationship with Ken Carson. Fun Fact #2: Yes, Barbie’s Ken’s last name actually is “Carson.” Who knew!
Time is up, and Gordon examines the women’s portions first. As he counts them off, I sorely miss The Count from “Sesame Street” because this would be the perfect cameo for him. Just imagine: “One fish chunk! Ah! Ah! Ah! Two fish chunks! Ah! Ah! Ah!” But I digress. The women didn’t do too badly with 41 perfect portions.
More colorful and lively than Shayna, if you even remember who she is at this point.
Gordon next examines the men’s fish cubes. The first couple are perfect, and then he hits a string of them that are completely chewed up. The General tells us that he thinks it was Fatso who ripped up all the fish. Gordon says that they clearly rushed through the challenge. Matt cringes. Matt cringes a lot, p.s.. He always makes the same facial expression – part fear, part shock and part disgust. There is no way that he could possibly be having an emotional reaction to anything and everything, so I’ve become convinced that this might just be his general resting face.
In the end, the men also end with 41 portions. For the rest time ever in the history of Hell’s Kitchen, there is a tie! For a tie-breaker, each team has to send a person up to select a 6 oz. portion. Whoever gets closest to six ounces wins.
Rosann pushes Corey to volunteer for them because she did well marking the fish while chopping it up. Ben represented the Blue Kitchen because he’s “portioned a lot of fish.”
Ben’s fileT is measured first and is 5.9 ounces. Expecting a victory, the Blue Team celebrates. Corey tells us she knows for a fact that every fileT that she portioned was six ounces. Oops! Wrong! Your portion was only 4.8 ounces. Corey, you lose! (Trust me, do NOT feel bad for her. Later in the show, we discover that she’s evil.)
Corey apologizes to everyone, which I think is a bit unnecessary considering that she was pretty much forced into it. Jen says that it shouldn’t be hard to picking six ounces, so she’s pissed. Well, I’m pissed too. Pissed at Jen. Because she’s annoying. Go back to carving your watermelon, lady! She is totally one of those people who won’t step up to do challenges, but then complains when someone doesn’t do well while she’s hiding in the background.
The punishment for the ladies is that they’ll be prepping all the halibut, making all the fish stock for that night’s dinner service and maximizing on every portion. The men will be joining Gordo on a 100-foot super yacht, which is aptly named “Mojo.”
The men go back to the room to get ready, and we get a glimpse of Petrozza sans shirt! And I swear my retinas get completely scorched out of my skull. I’m now typing this recap entirely by feel.
Meanwhile, our sassy little Toilet Brush is prancing around in shorts, an undershirt and cowboy boots. Everyone laughs as he scoots around in his boots. He’s such an interesting little critter, isn’t he? I don’t even know what to think.
In the kitchen, the women are chopping up the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. It looks like fish gut soup. As the men walk out behind them, Jen starts slamming her cleaver down haphazardly to make the fish juice fly back onto the freshly showered men. Matt is upset because he has “pretty expensive cologne on.” Oh no you don’t, Matt. I know your type and you reek of designer imposter toilet water and cigarettes. Stop your whining and go to your plush yacht cruise.
All this needs is a little white chocolate, and Matt will gladly serve it up.
The men take Rolls Royce cars out to the ocean for their gravy boat jaunt where they meet Gordon. The General says that he’s never been on a boat before. The only boat he’s ever gotten near to was the “Love Boat” on tv. And the only general he’s ever actually gotten close to is General Mills when he eats his Lucky Charms every day.
The guys enjoy champagne and a phenomenal lobster lunch. Maybe they should take pointers with this lunch and actually learn what good cooking tastes like. Then Jean-Philippe, in a little boating outfit, brings out a tray of caviar.
Back in Hell’s Kitchen, Jen is being annoying. She says that she called it and knew that filet was too little. Christina says it’s all of their faults because they’re a team. To which Jen gives a breathy, sarcastic reply, “sure.” Corey tells us that it’s not cool for Jen to call her out in front of everyone.
The next morning, the teams are in the kitchen, prepping for that night’s dinner service. Barbie has no idea what she’s doing. Corey literally has to walk her through all the instructions for making what appears to be some sort of sauce. She is definitely the weakest link in the Red Kitchen. Oh yeah, she’s also one of those people who sticks out their tongue whenever they’re concentrating. I had a friend in high school who always did that, and he bit off his tongue when he crashed his go-cart. He missed like two or three days of school.
The real Barbie Millicent Robertson would never drool in public. It isn’t ladylike behavior.
In the Blue Kitchen, that old redneck boob, Fatso, is being offensive again. Direct quote: “The girls probably don’t have a clue what they’re doing. What do you expect? Without a man over there to lead them, of course.” Seriously, I would rather have blood in my urine than to ever see this man again. I would rather stick my face into a tank full of piranhas. I would rather have Britney Spears be my personal stylist for the year. I would rather take a bath in the sweat from Willie Nelson’s underwear while checking Richard Hatch for ticks! And I’m not even exaggerating!
Pop Quiz: Fatso’s head scar is from (a) His brain extraction surgery; or (b) A drop kick to the head by a woman.
In the Red Kitchen, Christina seems to be spouting off ratios of what liquids go into which sauces. I wonder if she’s helping Barbie? It’s unclear. But one thing IS clear, and that’s that Corey hates it. She says that Christina is a know-it-all who is secretly stupid.
Crap! Fatso is back on camera again! Please give me cancer now! I can’t stand watching him! “A room full of girls, that’s useless. Unless, what are they having, a Tupperware party over there?” He looks so smug and full of himself when he says that too. Like he thinks he just made such a clever little statement. It’s so obvious that he is a nasty little man who couldn’t get a girl to save his own life. And so he hates on them! I’m not a psychologist, but it is very clear to me what is going on here.
Chef Ramsay comes into the kitchen, interrupting the prep time and quizzes Petrozza on the menu. Learning nothing from last week’s challenge, Petrozza cannot name more than one dish. Unless “The, Um” is some new hip trendy dish that I’ve never heard of. In that case, Hell’s Kitchen is serving three types of “The, Um.” Gordon stops Petrozza mid-stammer and tells him to get out. Matt cringes, per usual.
Gords tells Petrozza to go study the menu upstairs, and his station will stand un-manned until he gets his crap together. Brief observation: Everyone in life has an animal that they resemble. I’m probably a chipmunk. Jack Nicholson, an iguana. Liza Minella, an ostrich. And Petrozza’s animal is most certainly a fat rat. In this case, he really looks like Emile from “Ratatouille.”
Am I wrong?
Last night’s dinner service was so bad that Jean-Philippe took a major beating from unhappy, hungry guests. So tonight, one person from each team will help J.P. in the dining room, so that they know what it feels like. Gordon chooses Craig and Rosann to be assistant maitre’ds for the night. Has anyone else noticed that whenever Gordon asks them anything, they always yell “Yes Chef!” as if he’s a drill sergeant? Is that normal kitchen behavior?
Upstairs, Petrozza — although very busy, I’m sure — has time to do a confessional. He tells us that he isn’t used to studying (trust me, we can tell, Einstein), and that he hasn’t had to learn anyone else’s menu in 19 years. Whoa. His mind. Is. BOGGLED. Gordon should start giving future contestants IQ tests as a screening process for the show. The thought of one of these people heading up his new kitchen in L.A. is absolutely terrifying.
Gordon meets with Petrozza in the dry storage room. And, again, I’d like to point out my fondness for Gordon. I know that my love for this insane, hotheaded man probably suggests that I have deeper psychological issues, but I’d love to be alone in a storage room with him any day! Then again, all the womanizing and murdering aside, I also have a strange thing for Henry VIII. Now if only time travel were an option…
Anyway, Gordon starts by grilling Petrozza on the desserts. Uhh…black cherry sorbet? Petrozza offers. Not even close. There isn’t even any sorbet on the menu at all! Period. He’s just delusional at this point. Petrozza is ordered upstairs to start again. Oh Petrozza! You silly sweet imbecile, you! Get out of the way, so I can get a better look at Gordon!
“I thought that funny sensation I had was memorization. But then I realized it was just gas.”
Petrozza gives up and sits down to enjoy his 90th cigarette of the day when the General comes out running. The General puts out Petrozza’s cigarette and yanks him up and out of the chair. He even buttons his chef jacket back up for him. Thank you, the General! This is the first thing you’ve ever done to make me happy! And that is to put MORE clothes onto Petrozza! Now that we know what he looks like sans shirt, we will never be the same again. But we can try. And we can prevent it from ever happening again.
Apparently, Petrozza was sobbing into his Heineken because the General uses his own apron to dry his face. I’m not sure if he’s really this nice or if this seems fishier than a halibut to me. What do you guys think? Are we viewing genuine kindness here? Something about it just…seems…odd…
Petrozza says that he was feeling defeated and was a shell of a man. Better not let Fatso see you then. He hates anything that is not 100% pure solid man. But the General tells him that for some reason Chef Ramsay seems to like him, so all is well.
Petrozza finds Gordon and lists off all five entrees on the menu, with a little help from some Ramsay Charades. Gordon applauds, gives him a high five and sends him back to his station where he can mess everything up in person.
The doors open to Hell’s Kitchen with Rosann and Craig taking orders in the dining room. Craig is definitely a more efficient order-taker because the men are already working on food while Rosann traipses around the dining room. The restaurant has been open for nearly 40 minutes, and she hasn’t delivered one ticket yet. Huh? What has she been doing? Perfecting her flawlessly strong New York accent in the bathroom?
“I’m sawy we don’t hee-AVE servuhs at the McDonald’s I wawk ee-at.”
The General, meanwhile, does not seem to follow the Only-Sunnyside-Up-Eggs-in-Hell’s-Kitchen rule that we learned about last week. And he attempts to serve up a jaggedy egg that looks like a strange duck foot. After being criticized for the nasty egg, the anger trickles down and the General yells at Fatso for firing the scallops too early. It’s a really pointless, time-waster of an argument. And it’s distracting Petrozza! Don’t you guys know that Petrozza can only hold one thought in his head at once? Shh! Let the brainless wonder create his crap!
Forty-five minutes into dinner service and the women finally have their first order! Seriously! What was Rosann doing? I want to know! That’s why I’m asking. They are so behind at this point because the men already have appetizers on the tables.
The men are now onto cooking the entrees, and Fatso is trying to serve raw halibut. Gordon can tell from across the room that it’s not done all the way through. He makes everyone touch the fish to prove that it’s stone cold. I love that! That is so nasty and yet totally what happens in kitchens! I worked in a cafÃ© in college, and we’d ALWAYS stick our fingers in things to see if they were done. Isn’t that horribly disgusting? Well, folks, it’s true. Sad, yes. But true.
Halibut? More like haliBUTT!
Speaking of rare, Petrozza is serving up cold beef! I know they are crunched for time, but the whole process of actually cooking the meat isn’t exactly one corner that should ever be cut! Again, there is a show-and-tell where everyone comes over and touches Petrozza’s beef. Oops, that sounds gross. Sorry. The Rams is so mad that he throws the beef across the room! Nothing like more Chef Ramsay kitchen roadkill to get things moving.
The next segment just absolutely took my BREATH away! Craig carries a chair across the room, and as he’s moving, he just CLOCKS some lady in the head with one of the legs! It makes a terrible clunking sound, and he doesn’t even stop moving! I’m sure he HAD to have felt that. Jean-Philippe sees the whole thing happen and looks MORTIFIED. He tracks Craig down and demands that he go apologize. Luckily, the lady is just happy to be on television and laughs it off.
The food is expensive, but the concussions are free!
In the Red Kitchen, guess what? Barbie is being an idiot again! I know, I know, it’s so hard to imagine, isn’t it? She’s definitely not going to be joining the Mensa Organization any time soon. Or even the 4-H for that matter. She has raw meat next to cooked meat, so everything is contaminated. Every time Barbie messes up her fish, the whole plate has to be redone, and the kitchen starts over.
Barbie continues to wag her tongue all around the kitchen, and it isn’t just grossing me out; it’s scaring Gordo. He says she looks like a female Hannibal Lecter. Maybe if human flesh were on the menu, Barbie would be doing a better job of preparation.
In the Blue Kitchen, Petrozza doesn’t know how to cut the lamb, and Gordon has to go show him. I think this show is called “Hell’s Kitchen” because it’s supposed to be hell for the contestants due to Gordon’s fiery attitude. But it seems more like hell for Gordon than anyone else because he has to put up with all these idiots.
The good news is that the entrees are leaving both kitchens to good reviews. The bad news is Rosann. Oh, Rosann. I am seriously doubting that you’ve ever worked in a restaurant before. And I mean EVER. I say this with a reasonable amount of experience to back me up. I’ve worked at every Olive Garden, Bennigan’s and Red Lobster from here to tomorrow, and so I can say from a place of certainty that the motto of most restaurants is “Turn and Burn.” You get the people in, and you get the people out. But Rosann, for some reason, decides to RATION the orders. She brings them up one at a time, HOURS apart because she doesn’t want to overwhelm the kitchen. What? Does Gordon Ramsay look like a person who gets overwhelmed when flooded with orders? I am shocked. Seriously, just beside myself.
Then there is a fun series of events. Petrozza loses the beef. Barbie keeps messing up. Scowling Matt almost sets the place on fire. And Fatso sends a completely raw fish out to a table, which gets sent back. It’s enough to push Gordo over the edge. SHUT IT DOWN!
Taking the “Hell’s Kitchen” concept a little too literally…
The guests leave Hell’s Kitchen and the crew is in trouble. Gordon declares that the losing team is the ladies because the guys sent out half their entrees. You know, the ladies didn’t seem that bad ONCE they had orders. I think the whole reason why they lost was because of Rosann and her weird rationing rationale. The best of the worst is Corey who was redeemed by her delicious risotto.
Back at the house, Corey doesn’t ask around about who should go. Her mind is pretty much already made up. Jen speculates who will be put on the chopping block and feels sure that it will be Barbie. Corey tells Ben that she’s surprised no one has approached her to beg to stay. I’m sure she’d like that since she seems to enjoy the power a little too much. Ben asks if she plans to take out the best cooks, and she retorts with Heineken in hand, “I am the best.”
Back with Ramsay, Corey’s first nomination “for strategic reasons” is Christina. She says it’s because Christina treats her like a dumb blonde, and she needs to look past appearances. This is code language for, “She’s smarter than me, and I’m jealous.” The second nominee, for personal reasons, is Jen. Corey says that Jen distracts her from doing her work properly. Translation: “I have a grudge against Jen because she called me out when I couldn’t guess the weight of the fish. And I felt embarrassed and stupid.”
Yes, Jen is irritating, but she’s not a complete idiot like Barbie. I am shocked that Barbie is not put up for elimination. Obviously Corey has NEVER seen a reality show in her life. This one or otherwise. One of the rules of reality tv is to keep your team as strong as possible by weeding out the weak links UNTIL the two teams merge. Then you pick off the “most threatening” team members one by one. You should have done your homework, girl!
Christina and Jen step forward. Christina starts to tear up and says that she should stay because she really is intelligent. If she’s being condescending to Corey, then Corey should have come talked to her. It’s nothing personal that she does on purpose to hurt anyone’s feelings. I think she’s being honest. The men, because they have ABSOLUTELY NO class, laugh as Christina is talking. This is silly because Petrozza collapsed into a puddle of tears only hours ago, and no one was laughing then.
Don’t laugh, boys. She’s not crying. Her eyes are just sweaty.
Taking a different approach, Jen launches into an endless monologue that is condensed for the screen. She can make all kinds of shrimp. Butterfly shrimp, coconut shrimp, shrimp kabobs, grilled shrimp, shrimp cocktails, shrimp on the barbee, shrimp salad, jumbo shrimp, shrimp surprise and so on. Gordon has to interrupt her just to remind her to BREATHE.
Gordon, seeming a more than a little irate, says that it’s time for him to make an executive decision. He does not want anyone in his kitchen who he does not believe in. And the person he doesn’t believe in is Barbie! Corey curses because she knows that she’s in serious trouble now that everyone knows how evil and shallow she can be. Serves her right. Have fun living in that house! Gordon definitely gave the ladies some help this week because losing Barbie will be the best thing to happen to them.
Upon departing, Barbie says that she won’t give up on her dream and will have her own restaurant someday. They will serve mascara and rouge sandwiches there.
Your pink corvette awaits you.
Next week, it looks like Fatso gets into the hottub, so everyone bring your barfbags.
See you Tuesday!