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Damn y’all seems like just yesterday I was writing a Hell’s Kitchen Recap……anyhoo, this one involves our chefwannabes cooking for the Marine’s y’all! Semper Fi!
We start off as usual with someone whining about how much they sucked.
Yeah I know, it was awful and I should be slapped. Anyway we then move on to one arm Dave and his quest for a pot pie. Poor thing is determined that even though he can’t whack it properly he shall master the microwave.
The next morning the wannabes have to face their next task as well as Chef Ramsay’s guest. Raven Simone? No. Hmmmm. I give up.
Oh I get it, there’s a theme. This is LaTashia James. WIFE of Staff Sgt. Otis James of the USMC. He just returned from a 30 month tour of duty in Iraq. Holy shit. My husband was gone way less than that and I was locking myself in the bathroom on day 3. I’m surprised the poor thing can walk. Oh hell I see, he just flew in last night. That’s why she has that shell shocked look. God bless her. And God Bless our troops and anyone who doesn’t like that can suck it.
Ramsay tells them that tomorrow night they will be hosting an amazing welcome home feast for Staff SGT. Otis James. Everyone is all psyched especially this one.
Again the husband steps in to explain that marines yell oorah! not hoorah. Fight amongst yourselves.
Ramsey then explains that the next challenge is for each team to come up with one stunning appetizer, two stunning entrees and then LaTashia and he will be tasting them to choose who wins. Whichever team loses will be water boarded on the spot. Ramsay
chooses Chicken Lips and Fatty McButterpants to go and talk with LaTashia to find out Sgt. James’ likes and dislikes.
LaTasha tells them her husband loves seafood. Then McByPass asks her if they enjoy southern cooking. That’s code for fried chicken. Why don’t you just ask her if she likes water melon and grape soda you dingbat?
Downstairs they go.
Both teams are running around like crazy shouting shit like steak, surf and turf, taters! ChickenLips seems to be stuck on lobster tails since that is what LaTasha said they loved. McByPass is running his team smoothly while ChickenLips is confused and just keeps saying no sauce for the steak. Her team is not happy with her. To hear her tell it she was doing everything perfectly. Ha!
Van tastes the greens and is asked if they are good and he says “Makes ya wanna slap yo mama!” Oh please everything makes me want to slap my mama. It just seems to be against the law for whatever reason.
With 5 minutes left ChickenLips decides to ask WhoppiG how she feels about the menu. I would have said it sux and we should start over just to mess with her little chicken lipped head.
Someone on the mens side keeps screaming for a doily, sheesh shut up. Ariel is worried that this menu is a suck ass mess. But, it’s time for tasting!
Ariel is up first with a caesar style salad with baked prawns. Ramsay and LaTasha like it. Kevin is next with a spicy seafood style bouillabaisse . Again it’s a hit! But she has to choose between the two and she chooses…Team ChickenLips!!!!
Kevin makes a stupid comment about ya give a woman a salad and she’ll pick it 9 out of 10 times. He has obviously never seen my ass at Taco Bell. Shut up Kevin.
Oh hell it’s Tequila Girl Amanda. Can’t tell yet if she’s sober. She has a bacon wrapped fillet with grilled shrimp. Andy takes this opportunity to tell us it looks like shit. Hey Andy, SHUT.UP.
She likes it. Andy next has a four cheese mac with stewed collards and buttermilk fried catfish.
Blue Team wins!
ChickenLips and McByPass are up next. ChickenLips has a broiled lobster tail with a seafood something or other pasta and a light wine sauce. LaTasha likes it giving ChickenLips the impression they “have this in the bag.”
BcByPass has a bone in New York strip with a cajun rub served with twice baked potato mash and a grilled lobster tail. And the winner is……….BLUE TEAM!
WhoopiG says she’s so pissed off that if she didn’t think she’d have to pay for it she’s be breaking shit right now!
Yeah that’s how I lost my prized Flintstones Collector glasses. Don’t be judging.
The prize for the men? They will be fighter pilots for the day. Man I hope they mean in a simulator, cause, well, ya know what I’m saying.
Nope they will be on a real fighter jet doing maneuvers. I bet I know what at least one of those maneuvers will be. Baaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrffffffffffffffff!
Ladies punishment will be to redecorate the entire place for the celebration. The boys run off to celebrate while the girls go off to sulk and lay blame. ChickenLips is confused as to why everyone blames her. Uhhh cause you talked to the woman and you were the team leader.
Then we see this.
TequilaGirl explains that WhoopiG is upstairs right now pissed off. She wanted to do some soul food but ChickenLips shot her down every time.
WhoopiG tries to explain to Brain dead ChickenLips that she offered to make a jambalaya sauce for the pasta. ChickenLips feel her pasta was just fine. Damn she’s delusional. Hey twit, YOU LOST! It obviously wasn’t “just fine.”
Off the men go for their fighter jet experience.
Yay the men are having a ball and the women look like they want to kick someone in the balls.
Holy shit a wife sighting! Ramsay tells the women there is only one person he would trust to coordinate this event and here she is!
Ha! Sabrina makes the comment to us that for someone as mean as Ramsay is he sure can snag a good looking wife. Looks aren’t everything missy! There’s money too!
Mrs. Ramsay is a no nonsense do this shit my way kinda girl. And Ariel doesn’t like it. Meanwhile the men are in the skies having the time of their lives. Damn no one puked.
Back to the women, its just tedious bullshit until they discover helium. Then its like being in chipmonk hell.
The men come back bragging and further pissing of the hellium nuts. Then Sabrina says with helium breath… “Boys ya got nuthin on Tom Cruise or Val KilMORE.” First of all, Val KilMER is fat and gross now and Tom Cruise is a nut.
The boys plan to crush the women and keep this momentum going.
Next morning everyone is preparing. The menu is the guys menu but when the girls try and get info about the menu the guys refuse to tell them any details and are clearly sabotaging them.
Ramsay gets all militant and says tonight’s service will hinge on one thing. Teamwork. He tells them to repeat it and they half ass shout it. Then he does the trademark “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
And with that Hell’s Kitchen is open! Tonight’s menu includes the guest of honor’s other favorites like stuffed mushrooms, fried catfish and surf and turf. Sgt. James has no clue that friends and family he hasn’t seen in more than 2 years are waiting for him. Mrs. Ramsay tells everyone to shut their traps and be absolutely silent or she’ll kill them all with an evil glare. Only she said it all mean like.
The restaurant goes dark and everyone is silent and then in walks Sgt. James and the lights go on and everyone screams Welcome Home! Is it really a good idea to ambush a dude who just spent 30 months in Iraq?
All went well and as you can see he is smiling from ear to ear. Balloons start dropping and everyone is clapping and even the chefwannabes are touched. Ramsay welcomes him and then has one more surprise up his sleeve.
Now everyone is crying and I am about to squeeze out a few so lets get to cooking and cussing!
Ramsay yells out the first orders and they are off. Blue Team is off to a great start. However on the Red Team they seem to be missing a stuffed mushroom. Everyone is screaming where’s the mushroom.
When said mushroom is finally found it’s cold as ice and we hear Ramsay’s first “Fuck off will ya.” He’s screaming at them to touch it touch it! They finally get their first table served as the Blue Team has served ALL the appetizers.
Suddenly the Blue Team seems to be having issues. Ramsay yells out an order and Jim does not answer. That is a gian’t no no in Ramsayland! Ramsey screams at him “Have you switched off?” Jim denies it. But he does look a little dazed.
Kevin jumps in to help out while Ramsay is distracted and the Blue Team gets back on track. Except Ramsay heard everything and knows Kevin just saved Jim’s ass. This pleases Kevin no end.
Sgt. James is enjoying his meal from the Blue Team and the Red Team has finally finished their appetizers. And then Tek is attempting to cook steaks. Tek is an idiot. Anyone who can do this to a steak, needs to be put away forever.
WhoopiG tries to help Tek but she blows her off claiming she knows what’s she’s doing. Ramsay yells out yet another order of steaks and Tek doesn’t even bother to answer him. Ramsay starts having a fit. After yet more horrifying acts of molestation done to the steaks he loses it completely.
It’s chaos in the Red Kitchen. Nobody can get anything right and Ramsay is almost hopping up and down with fury at these dingbats screwing up such an important night.
Meanwhile the Blue Team is rocking. Except Andy won’t shut the hell up and leave one armed Dave alone. He’s doing better with one arm than the entire Red Team!
Next thing you know Tek is royally screwing yet again and Ramsay drags her ass into the closet to scream and yell some more. And since I am in an evil mood I am enjoying this.
Over on the Blue Team Jim starts screwing up and Kevin again takes over and saves the day.
Blue Team has served their final entree and are moving on to desserts. In the Red kitchen Tek finally manages to serve an entree. But then TequilaGirl screws up the lobster and all hell breaks loose in Ramsayland again. He’s yelling so loud and kicking the garbage can and then we see this.
One hour and a half into service and not one Red table has recieved an entree. People are getting pissed. Besides Ramsay who is yelling stupid cow every few seconds. Ramsey leaves Kevin on desserts and then sends the rest of the Blue Team to do the Red Teams job.
Then Fatty McButterpants does this.
Haha Jim finally says something funny. Talking about the burned meat everywhere in the Red Teams kitchen.
Finally with the Blue Teams help everyone has been served. I just have to show this picture though.
Ramsay sends the Blue Team off to clear down and then he points his evil little eyes on the sucky ass Red Team. He calls them pathetic and then tells them to clear down. For some reason the Announcer Dude claims that tonights service was another high point for Hell’s Kitchen. Ok. Ramsay goes over and shakes hands with Sgt. James and wishes him well.
Ramsay then tells the men they saved the evening and the women were crap. He lists all their faults which are many many many. He sends them off to decide who should be booted. The Blue Team celebrates and totally enjoys their victory.
The girls go back and forth arguing about who sucks the worst. Tek claims she can cook. Ha! What it comes down to is who has the balls to stand up and fight for themselves. Back down in the kitchen they face Ramsay. When asked who the two are the suckiest, WhoopiG tells him Tek and that for some reason her punk ass team chose her. Ramsay makes this face.
Ramsay calls Tek and WhoopiG up even though she fought back and used the fuck words 72 times. He asks her who she thinks the 2nd nominee should be and she doesn’t hesitate to say TequilaGirl. Ramsay agrees and calls her ass down too. He then gives WhoopiG a chance to tell why she should stay. The jist of it is this is a bunch of bullshit and she can cook and fuck fuck fuck she ain’t by no means the worst. Again Ramsay agrees and tells her to get the fuck back in line.
Ramsay gives Tek and TequilaGirl the same opportunity to beg. He starts with Tek and she claims she has a passion for cooking and blah blah blah. He then moves on to TequilaGirl and accuses her of having nothing left. She denies this. And cries. Then we see a montage of Red Team fuckups and Ramsay tells Tek to take off her coat and piss off.
Ramsay then reminds the rest of them of whats at stake here. He doesn’t want to be made to look stupid. Then he tells them to piss off. I think that means I love you in England.
Well sweeties that’s it for this one. Hugs and smooches,