Hello Peeplets! This is late as all hell and I shall explain it all to you in a bit. For now let’s see what the Chefabes are up to.
Be careful or I’ll raise my voice …or change my…pitch..or…something.
Last week VanSweaty and Ariel sucked so hard that Ramsay lost his shit and took Scott out behind an alley and gave him what fer. I don’t blame him but damn, at least let him have a glass of wine first.
Now Letterman had to go and spoil everyone’s fun.
One Armed Wonder was pissed when WhoopiG flipped the script and said Ariel should not be up there, VanSnottyBrat should. Now he’s all dangerous and coming after WhoopiG. This should be fun. VanCrappyAss was sent packing and I for one will not miss him. And now we are down to five.
Upon returning to their quarters, One Armed Wonder mumbles some shit to WhoopiG about “Way to stick to your convictions.” Is he crazy? This bitch took on Ramsay, she ain’t scared of your ass. He better be careful or he might find his arm shoved up his ass.
You talkin’ to me?
WhoopiG tries to explain that she didn’t “change” her mind. They argue back and forth until she realizes it’s useless and leaves saying she’s gonna save it for the toilet. One Arm Dronefest decides that she cannot be trusted and he hopes she’s out this week. Hope springs eternal. Now shut up.
He screams “fuck you” after she leaves the room and then goes to his and throws some shit and grunt/screams. Ima skeerd now. I hate when people I am half ass rooting for make me hate them.
Ariel notices that Suzbland is shaking and asks her if she’s ok. Suzbland says this.
Game? You have game?
At least Suzbland knows she’s screwed if she doesn’t get it together. Ariel, who has now taken on One Armed’s drone tone says she just wants to get through.
The next morning Ramsay gathers the Chefabes and tells them this. “I’m looking at five talented,strong, highly competitive individuals that so deserve to be here.”
There must be some people standing behind these slobs.
This challenge will be focused on presentation. Yes? Yes Chef! Good. Helping Ramsay judge this challenge is the editorial staff at Bon Appetit magazine and the Editor In Chief herself.
Ariel is blown away by the “big ballers” in there today. Ramsay says, “Ya think I’m tough oooh lalalalala!”
Can we get more judges? I don’t think you have enough. Sheesh!
Ramsay yick yaks about how popular the magazine is and totally turns on Mr. Ed’s Sister.
That’s plenty big enough for me.
Suzbland is in awe of the magazine and these people. She reads it. Everyone she knows “in the industry” reads it.
By that she means Jose at the Taco Shack.
Ramsay tells them that for this challenge they will each make one dish and the judges will rank them based purely on presentation. When they get down to the best two, Mr. Ed’s Sister and Ramsay will then taste those dishes and the best tasting will win. They have 45 minutes.
For some reason One Arm is banging the hell out of a bowl. Cueball starts chopping shit. There’s a line for the refrigerator. Cueball is keeping it “simple and crisp”. One Armed notices that Suzbland is keeping it real simple and making a salad. One Armed is going all out for these people and cooking a rack of lamb with fingerling potatoes.
Next I might break a wooden spoon!
Ariel is all excited about her dish and WhoopiG is cooking red snapper. As she’s plating it, it breaks. She doesn’t have time to redo it so she piles everything on top to “mask how screwy it looks”.
MY FUCKING FISH BROKE!
Ramsay starts counting down from 10 and the Chefabes race around to get their dishes plated. Each Judge will look at each Chefabes dish and rank it. Suzbland has this.
Next up is Cueball.
No thank you.
Ariel is next.
Kinda has a “severed penis” look to me.
And last but certainly, uh, uh, …………
That dudes head’s gonna explode.
Armed and Dangerous can NOT get out the name of his dish to save his droney little life. He tells us he doesn’t speak well in front of crowds. Dude there was one woman in your face. She makes the mistake of asking him what the sauce is and he uh’s and sweats and can’t come up with that either. It’s uh, uh, actually, it’s a…..
Whatever pain meds he’s on, I want some.
He apologizes for the massive brain fart causing this poor woman to do this.
Also known as the “dumb dog look”.
The judges hand their ranking cards to Ramsay so that he can tabulate the scores and rank the Chefabes.
Would you like some oats or a carrot while I add this up?
Ramsay explains that the top two will then be tasted by he and Mr. Ed’s Sister and the best tasting will win. He already said that. Filler already? And in fifth place, WhoopiG.
SON OF A BITCH!
Armed and Dangerous tells us that her plate was clearly ugly. I have to agree. Now go read a book or something. He continues with “Who does she think she is, putting garbage up like that?”
In fourth place is Suzbland. Suzbland tells us her dish was a piece of art. Guess the judges didn’t agree.
Ramsay decides to fuck with my head and with three people left, reveal the highest scoring dish. Anything to drag this show out to an hour eh? In first place…..Cueball!
I am amazed at my amazing amazingness.
Cueball is thrilled. Of course he’s not surprised because he’s “the best chef heeuh.”
We are down to Ariel and Armed and Dangerous. A&D puts his head in his hand. Ariel prays. Ariel wins. See prayer does work. Just not any of mine recently. Just kidding God. Anyhoo, Ariel will be joining Cueball in the taste test portion of this challenge.
Kindly keep your hoof on your side of the table please.
Ariel is up first with her John Dory. Mr. Ed’s Sister liked that it wasn’t overwhelming. Or something. Ramsay tells her that using cranberry was “Very edgy. Very dangerous.” She’s a regular rebel that one. However it worked. Ramsay loves it. On to Cueball and Seabass. He tried for Carribean feel. Mr. Ed’s Sister likes it and gets the “sort of beach mood you were after.”
That whole “black is slimming” thing really doesn’t work from the side.
Ramsay tells Cueball he’s never seen so much fruit blend so well together with fish. Cueball happily grins like a loon. After talking it over Ramsay and Mr. Ed’s Sister have a winner. And the winner is……..both of them. They couldn’t choose between them.
Way to puss out there Ramsay.
For their reward they will be joining Mr. Ed’s Sister and Ramsay for a photo shoot with Bon Appetit at Shutters On The Beach in Santa Monica. Both of their dishes will be featured.
Ramsay then turns to the others and says “Ok losers” lol. He goes on to say that because this challenge was focused on presentation they are going to make L.A. more presentable. Hell’s Kitchen has adopted a street. And the losers will be cleaning up trash from the side of said street. Community Service style. Ouch.
Armed and Dangerous tells us that the fact that he has to be near WhoopiG makes him nauseous and if he has to hear her bitching he’ll lose his mind.
Nothing to lose here.
WhoopiG is pissed off. She screams at the camera that they got the best prize ever in history. Ramsay sends them off to get changed. Ariel and Cueball get all gussied up while these three have to wear this.
Ramsay has a serious evil side.
Outside there is a bus waiting for the losers. Scott stands outside it. I guess he will be supervising it. WhoopiG starts screaming again about how this was unbelievable and “Did we commit a crime?” She says she’s a chef and she can’t stand looking like she just got out of L.A. County.
I AIN’T NO CRIMINAL!
Meanwhile at Shutters On The Beach, damn. That place is beautiful. I want to go there. right now. BRB I gotta get cookies.
Ok numbing sugar rush has begun so I can now continue. Ramsay is at the bar with Ariel and Cueball. I guess Mr. Ed’s Sister is still in her stall. Ramsay asks when the last time they were in Bon Apetit was. They say never! He snorts. I do believe he has a snout full.
Tee hee hee!
Over on Loser Street Chef Scott has given the three losers tools and garbage bags. He tells them to fill them up. Armed and Dangerous tells us it’s torture. Suzbland says it was hot and definitely not the glamorous thing she’s done. WhoopiG keeps saying “This just ain’t right.”
THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT RIGHT HERE!
WhoopiG tells us she will never ever commit a crime. Then she continues to whine and bitch. Back at Shutters, Cueball is amazed, again, by their reward. Photogs are snapping away.
Dude watch out! That guy with a giant spatula is about to bean your ass!
Cueball tells us that he thinks today could be a little taste of what it’s like to win this. Slow up dude, you ain’t won shit just yet. Ariel tells us it was one of the best rewards ever.
Now it’s time to load Mr. Ed’s Sister up and get her back to the farm.
Back at Hell’s Kitchen the losers have returned for more torture. They are to sweep up outside and clean the stands and clean the carpets. All the while WhoopiG is saying “This is ridiculous.”
As she’s steam cleaning the red carpet, Ariel and Cueball return and walk right over it. WhoopiG shouts “This is some bullshit!” One Armed and Dangerous tells us that his wrist starts to swell and it feels like the cast is going to crack in half.
I’m starting to feel kinda bad for him.
Later One Armed and Dangerous is laying on his bed with ice packs wrapped all around his arm. He tells Cueball whats going on and Cueball’s advice is to think of himself first and that One Armed should ask himself if it’s worth it. Cueball then tells us that One Armed is a serious threat to win and he hopes to get rid of him. One Armed isn’t stupid, he just looks and sounds that way. He says he has to watch his back. He knows people are hoping that his broken wrist will send him home.
Prep has started and One Armed is struggling. Cueball finds this frustrating. He says it’s time for someone to “take chahge” and it’s time for him to shine.
Your noggin is very shiny.
Cueball starts telling everyone what to do and getting on Suzbland’s nerves. Here comes Ramsay. He gives them a slight pep talk and then demands a perfect service. A complete service. Ha! I want to be skinny. He ends this speech with a YES WE CAN! And they all repeat it. Poor deluded things. Everyone high fives each other and WhistleBritches opens Hell’s Kitchen.
First ticket is in and Ramsay is already grumpy.
Bite me Brit Boy!
He shouts out the order. One Armed is on cold apps and asks if there is anything new on cold apps. WhoopiG responds a little loudly.
That was tactful.
Everyone hears it including Ramsay. He tells them they don’t have to love each other they have to work as a team. One Armed tells us he can’t stand WhoopiG but that he would never bring conflict on to the kitchen floor.
Ramsay asks for the scallops and WhoopiG shouts to Suzbland to see if she’s got them. That would be a no. Ramsay tells them they have to talk to each other. Suzbland tells us WhoopiG is supposed to tell her when to drop the scallops. Ramsay begs them not to do this to him tonight. They pull it together.
WhoopiG is on risotto and Ramsay tells her to pick up the speed. She yells Yes Chef! Then she screams at us that nobody can stop her on service tonight.
The next thing we see is Ariel telling WhoopiG that the risotto is over cooked. She disagrees and sends it to the pass. Ariel can’t believe she doesn’t know it’s over cooked. Neither can Ramsay. He tells her it’s all mush and broken pieces. Ariel is all “I told you so.”
Ramsay calls for scallops and Suzbland is right there with them. They’re crap. He shouts out for her to do them again and she says “Yes Chef. Working hard.” He replies “Unfortunately, you are not.” Tee hee.
Ramsay is still waiting for the risotto. One Armed is up with his appetizer and Ramsay has to send out incomplete orders.
Why are Barbara Bush and Dick VanDyke having dinner together?
This old dude cannot remember what he even ordered.
Damn Andy Rooney looks great after that face lift.
Here comes WhoopiG with her risotto. It’s mushy. No one can figure out what’s wrong. Ramsay asks who cooked the rice today. That would be Cueball. Ramsay checks it and realizes it was over cooked from the start.
They realize they have more rice and Suzblands deems it worthy. Ramsay wants to know why they weren’t using it from the start. Ramsay keeps it up about the fucking risotto. They should be able to do this in their sleep. How can you have perfect risotto without perfect rice? On and on. Cueball keeps apologizing but Ramsay ain’t having it. WhoopiG tells us that they both fucked up. I agree.
Ramsay is still yelling that Cueball should have a standard. WhoopiG screams that “Chef was on Kevin like white on risotto! On and on and on. Ramsay tells him he’s known as one of the most technical chefs in the kitchen today. Cueball cuts him off and says “I fucked up the risotto Chef.” Ramsay yells at him to shut up and listen.
My bloody risotto!
Ramsay starts screaming for urgent risotto. I love that phrase. Urgent risotto. WhoopiG comes to the pass with the risotto. Ramsay says “oh dear oh dear.” He screams for Cueball and WhoopiG to come there! When they do he tells them that it’s perfect and walks off in disgust. Haha.
Food starts moving again and the diners are happy. Ariel is on meat and Ramsay yells at her to move. When she brings the chicken up it’s pink. This sends Ramsay into a fit and he screams for everyone to stop. He yells that he doesn’t serve pink chicken. He kicks the garbage can and screams “RAW!”.
Ariel tells us she hates disappointing Ramsay. Then stop doing it. Cueball tells us that Ariel is on the easiest station and he can’t believe she fucked it up. Dude you fucked up the rice. I’d shut it. Ariel finally gets it right and she claims it won’t happen again.
Suzbland brings her John Dory to the pass and Ramsay gets a look on his face like smells feet. He calls her over. Everyone just hangs their heads. Ramsay says they are each taking turns sucking.
He’s going to be mumbling to himself incoherently before this ends.
Ramsay yells that he’s had hotter fish at a sushi bar and slams the fish down. Cueball tells us she should know better. That Ariel and Suzbland neither one can cook. Again, rice anyone? Ramsay tells Suzbland disgustedly that she has to baste it. Then he screams “Baste it baste it baste!” over and over and over.
I’m shitting myself here!
Ariel tells us she is so upset with herself right now. She knows she can do better. I doubt that. LOL told ya Ramsay would be mumbling like a nut. He’s walking around saying “It’s not possible. It’s not physically possible. It’s just not fucking normal.”
The diners are getting restless and one woman threatens to go cook it herself. Please, please go into the kitchen and say that to Ramsay. We might just be able to make him have a stroke.
Ramsay is screaming at them to wake up. He calls for lamb. Ariel stumbles and is behind. They haven’t had a complete table for the last five tables. Ariel brings the lamb up. Ramsay says, “Oh My God!”
Poor lil’ lamb.
Ramsay makes her hold it and he takes her out to where the diners can see her. He gets in her face and asks her if she would send that out if she were at Araxi. She starts to apologize and he gets louder. Would she send it? She says no and he screams fuck and walks off. Ariel is embarrassed because the diners could also hear everything.
Cueball shouts for everyone to pick it up and Ramsay says “Hey Kevin you wonder why I get a little fucking doolally? It’s in front of you. It’s just all taking place naturally.” LOL he’s has cracked. He then stands there saying “Fuck me fuck me fuck me” over and over again.
Can’t you get Scott to do it again, I’m a little busy right now.
Ramsay keeps yelling fuck me and all kinds of shit and he calls them over and tells them he’s not going to bust his ass and send one of this and one of that and not serve the entire table. He yells at them to get it together right now or fuck off!
Everyone scurries off. Ramsay yells that he’s still waiting for the fucking lamb. Ariel claims 30 seconds. Ramsay say “Oh My God, even on the last table we drag.”
Finally everyone has been served. Ramsay is almost purple at this point. He tells them they completed service. Big deal. He tells them they are making mistakes he would have expected weeks ago. He tells them its not good enough. None of them came together as a team. He tells them to do it now and pick two people to be up for elimination.
Oh man, they broke Gordon Ramsay.
They all agree everyone sucked. They still have to name two people. They agree on Ariel from the start. Cueball asks Suzbland who she would nominate. She says WhoopiG of course.
What you say bitch?
WhoopiG wants to know why the fuck she would be up. Suzbland says because Chef was yelling at her all night. He was yelling at everyone tonight. Then Suzbland claims she was a team player tonight. Then she jumps head first into Delusionville and says “My shit was tight. Beautiful. Beautiful.” Everyone just sort of ignores her.
Ariel says Cueball and WhoopiG should go up because of the rice because she sure as hell ain’t nominating herself. More arguing back and forth. Downstairs they go.
Ramsay, who looks like he’s been hit by a bus asks if they have come to a decision. They say yes. He asks Cueball who the first nominee is. That would be Ariel. Reasons? “Because of inconsistencies, raw chicken and lamb that wasn’t quite up to pahhh.” Second choice, Suzbland. Reasons. Cause she’s a greasy little rat. Oh and because she served raw fish and thought her service was “tight”.
They each plead their cases. Suzbland tells Ramsay that tonight she was focused on solid techniques and standard of food. And cooking things to perfection. Hahahahaha!One Armed is just shaking his head. Ramsay tells her she was focused on a lot of good things yet she accomplished nothing. Ouch. Then she says she believes she’s a better chef than Ariel. Ramsay just cocks his head to the side.
He tells Ariel she has actually gotten worse. She admits to making mistakes but believes she is a better chef. He tells them that truthfully they both should go. And the biggest loser is….Suzbland.
Poor thing is all broken up about it.
As she walks over to hand Ramsay her jacket WhoopiG remembers to stop smiling. We are treated to past scenes of Suzbland. That’s ok, we saw all that shit already. Go away now.
Ramsay then tells Ariel to get back in line. He tells WhoopiG that tonight she dodged a bullet. He tells them that they are the final four and they have got to bounce back. He tells them that no one is getting an easy ride. Just ask Scott.
WhoopiG celebrates her save. Ariel would rather have gotten to the final four by kicking ass. Cueball yacks about everyone else sucking. One Armed says that it’s a battle to the death and it’s gonna get ugly.
It just got a little less ugly.
And then there were four.
That’s it sweeties. I do apologize for the lateness. My 76 year old Mom, who lives with me, got very sick last week and at the same time I had my 4 month old nephew. Who knew old people and babies were so much work?
Until next time, Love and smooches,