Listen All Y’all It’s A Sabotage!

And then there were three. After last week’s end-of-episode-Virginia-meltdown (they happen so much we have to specify them), she decided that she wanted to stay. This left Gordon with no choice but to send Sara, the whiny, nasally, annoying, backstabbing shrew home. In the process, she asked Gordon to kiss her what I can only assume are enormous grits. So now it’s down to the final three. Heather, the competent but whiny one, Keith, who will always be K-grease to me, the talented but somewhat dopey chef, and Virginia, the oversensitive one with no self confidence.

Tonight we find out who will be in the final two. Who will get the chance to go head to head to compete to see who will be head chef at the fancy hotel in Las Vegas, and who will be running the buffet bar at the Bunny Ranch (Tip: don’t eat the mac and cheese there. It’s overcooked). The easy bet would be K-grease and Heather in the final two with Heather winning it all, but you never know in Hell’s Kitchen.

Another exciting thing about this weeks episode? We finally get to see the big celebrity guest they have been hinting at all season long. And believe me, it was worth the wait.The show starts as usual right after the last elimination. And last week was a shocker when Virginia at the last second decided she wanted to stay by telling Gordon in perfect Gordon Ramsay style logic “I want to fricken stay because.. I fuckin’ want to”, thus forcing Gordon to get rid of Sara. This is shocking only because she told Heather repeatedly that she wanted to go home and that she wasn’t talented enough to win. This is whats known in the biz as “being backdoored” (For more information open your reality show encyclopedias and look up Nakomis and/or Jase)

Virginia does what she always does after an elimination, or after almost anything really. She sobs hysterically. Only this time she doesn’t even get down to the end of the hall before it starts. She’s not sure why she’s here she tells us in her diary room interview. Was it because she deserves to be or not? Then Virginia has to backpedal in front of Heather after promising to go home if she went up. The excuse is the usual disjointed Virginia blather. But she’s not done, she wants to know from the other two who they think is a better chef, her or Sara. Neither K-grease or Heather answer, unless you call simultaneously yawns an answer (which it kind of is). Virginia needs to not rely on other peoples opinions and just cook like we all know she can. Well, maybe not on a line, but she can make a salad real good!

But their yawning taunts mean nothing to Virginia. “This whole situation’s given me a new skin on life.” She tells us. And besides she explains, “heather is 2 cards short of a dim bulb”. OK, so she’s “unexperienced in the kitchen” but its not gonna keep her down. The man will not keep her down. And in this case “the man” is not a metaphor for society, but an actual middle aged Scottish chef who likes to say “fuck” a lot.

The next morning the 3 chefs are brought into the kitchen where Gordon is busy cooking. After congratulating them on becoming part of the final 3, he brings forth his next challenge. He shows them what he was cooking. It is his “signature dish”. He has them all smell it and taste it. In keeping with the age old axiom “thou who hast smelt it, dealt it” they are now ordered to recreate the dish from taste and smell and they have only 20 minutes to do it. The weird thing about his signature dish? It’s a fish dish, but when I went to find the actual recipe Wikipedia has his signature dish as “cappuccino of white beans with grated truffles”. Other interesting things about him from Wikipedia? He wears a size 15 shoe, and we all know what that means don’t we ladies? He has enormous socks.

My guess? A filet o’ fish on top of sour cream sprinkled with Nerds candy on a sauce of Red Bull and cream soda

As they are all scrambling around the kitchen, Keith decides to cook a Chilean sea bass, while Virginia and Heather pick the wild striped sea bass. As for the puree, Virginia isn’t sure that it’s potatoes. “It’s creamy and starchy like mashed potatoes. But I don’t really think it’s a mashed potato” she says. Then Virginia stumbles across Tuscan beans in the refrigerator and has a eureka moment. Meanwhile Keith is having one of his own when he figures out that its Israeli couscous that’s in the sauce. Imagine if you made a dish with Israeli cous cous and Lebanese M’jadra stew? I think it would go a long way towards helping with the healing. Keith tries to hide the cous cous but when Virginia walks in on him she immediately decides that hey, she was looking for just the same thing! There are shenanigans going on here. Shenanigans I tell you!

When they are finished they bring the 3 dishes before Gordon. After he tastes them all he compliments them on a well prepared dish. But only one of them has gotten all of the main ingredients right. The winner of the challenge is… Virginia! In her diary room she is giddy “I guess all those walks I took my tongue on every day. I really trained it.” she says as she makes a whipping motion with her hand. Some jokes are too easy even for me. Yeah sure I could take the phrase “Those walks I took my tongue on” coupled with her making a whipping sound and make some unrefined joke, but don’t you think I should move on from cheap cooter jokes and crude sexual innuendo? Take my recapping humor to the next level?

Anyways, I’d take her tongue on a walk all over my Bow-legged swamp donkey if ya know what I mean!

Gordon then tells them what the winner wins. She will spend some quality time with Gordon going over all the secrets he knows how to become a top chef. How to work the line, etc. Heather is despondent over losing. “Makes you think that no matter how good you are, you might not be chosen”. Actually Heather, It shows quite the opposite. Virginia you see, did a better job on the challenge than you, hence she was picked as the winner. Heather has quite the whine cellar. Gordon then tells the losers that they are going to be cleaning the glasses and cutlery before the night’s service.

Heather however isn’t done with her “woe is me” routine. Back in the dorm room she says that she would’ve have gotten the recipe right if she “read his cookbooks cover to cover”, referring to Virginia’s last challenge win where she bought Gordon Ramsay’s cookbooks on a shopping spree. Keith doesn’t care however because he knows she can’t perform on the line. That’s where it really counts he says. “I couldn’t live with myself if she beats us” he says. Heather agrees, they both hate Virginia and want her to go.

Later when the reward challenges start we see K-grease and Heather both watching Gordon and Virginia from the dining area as hey are forced to clean silverware and glasses. They are both seething with jealousy. Gordon is giving her tips on how to cook, how to run the line, how to decide whether to call someone a donkey or a stupid fat cow (if they screw something up: Donkey, if they forget something: stupid fat cow), etc. Gordon then goes from cooking tips to tips on how to run a line. While both K-grease and Heather stew Jean Philippe comes by and tells them to “put some love into my glasses”. Since K-grease’s pants are always down low he has a perfect head start to get going on that. Here’s a hint, when in Hell’s Kitchen, don’t order a white Russian.

Back in the kitchen Gordon tells Virginia to “In a way, scare them. Because if I scare you you’re not gonna forget.” Good point. I would’ve lost the “in a way” part, but that’s just me.

Actually, I think the correct caption is “What-everrrr!”, or perhaps even a simple “Whatevs!”

In the apartments Heather brings up the book again. Whether she believes she cheated or not is irrelevant, what she’s really doing is trying to mess with the fragile head of Virginia. When Virginia tries to defend herself K-grease says “Well he might have hooked you up because he likes you”, an assessment the bitchy little sore loser Heather agrees with in between munching on her Triscuits and prepackaged hummus. And she still wonders why her palate sucks? (although, to be fair, the Garden Herb Triscuit is a gift from the flavor gods) Keith is right of course. I mean Gordon Ramsay is a fabulously wealthy accomplished celebrity chef with a beautiful wife and 4 kids, but damn it, he likes Virginias boobies and has decided to throw it all away! Now EdHill would do something like that, and has, But not Gordon Ramsay.

Later that night as Heather and Keith are joking it up in their bedrooms, poor Virginia is taking the isolation hard. “It just sucks that I’m the outsider. I mean did you see how big my cans are? It’s just not right that I’m not popular.”

The next day in the kitchen as they are prepping Keith and Heather make snide comments about Virginia, which only gets her more focused on the goal. When Gordon shows up he tells them about the nights service. Each chef will take a turn at the hot plate, or the pass as it’s called, running the entire service. To top it all off, Gordon has added 6 more tables to the restaurant and has his sous chefs Scott and Mary Ann to help out.

Once the dinner service starts Virginia makes her first mistake of the night by burning two of the salmon. When Gordon takes her to task for her casualness even going as far as having her fish out the salmon from the trash. She stands her ground with Gordon and keeps on cooking. Part of Virginia’s new “look the dog in the eye” strategy.

Keith is first up to run the hot plate and he starts off by asking for two spaghetti. But what Keith doesn’t know is that Gordon tells Scott to overcook the spaghetti. Will Keith be able to spot the soggy noodles? Well, seeing as how all throughout Hell’s Kitchen we’ve had Gordon get food returned to him for not being cooked properly, even he has made mistakes. Of course no one calls him a fat cow or anything.

Keith however is on the ball and catches Scott’s mistake and has him redo it from scratch. After a congragulatory comment from Gordon, Keith addresses his “brigade” as Ramsay calls it. When he yells out an order, Virginia doesn’t answer him. Keith doesn’t do anything about it until Gordon reminds him. When Keith then goes after Virginia for her order Virginia starts to fall apart again. She forgets what he said and gets confused as to where they are. When Keith asks how long she says “I need….wait. Hold on. What is going on right now?” Keith continues to muddle through his job on the line until Gordon sends him back. In his diary room entry K-grease says “I’m not gonna change who I am. Who says you have to be a dick to be a chef?”. Exactly! And who says you have to know how to cook? Or even have arms? I mean who are the people who sets these arbitrary rules?

When its Heathers turn to run things she starts off all manic and forgets the basic little details she needs to know (like where the orders go). Gordon has to tell her to slow down and start breathing. After that Gordon turns his attention to Keith who is once again screwing up the one dish that everyone screws up on this show. That’s right. BLOODY RISOTTO! Keith gets a little surly with Chef Ramsay and does his sarcastic “I’m sorry”. Gordon tells him his attitude stinks. When Keith hears this he responds with “bleep bleep”. Yep, he said two words and they both got bleeped. Well whatever they were they pissed off Gordon to no end. He calls him over and says he is ready to kick him off the show right then and there. What did Keith say? Was it;

1. Ca-ca poopie!

2. Fucking fucker!

3. Plank wanker!

4, Donkey punch!

Or was it:

“KISS MY ASS!!! KISS MY GODDAMN ASS!!!”

Chose the right answer and you get absolutely nothing. But I warn you, all entries must be postmarked by midnight on August 31st and contain the 5 dollar entry fee. Good luck!

Now that Heather is in her groove the kitchen gets a little more stable. Gordon then tells Mary Ann to purposely make the potatoes lumpy. When it comes to the line Heathers pots it and castigates Mary Ann for it, but then lets the potatoes go out anyway. Gordon stops her before that happens and starts yelling at her for failing the test. She needs to have some kind of quality control. Heather bemoans herself for second guessing herself on the lumpy potatoes.

Next up it’s Virginias turn. Once Virginia yells out an order, Heather pretends like she didn’t hear it and asks to repeat it. A clear act of sabotage, which is ironic after the whole “you got it from the book” whine party. Keith flat out admits that he wasn’t even listening to her and his snide smile is evident from the second Virginia takes charge. Once Gordon is happy with how she has taken over the hot plate he attempts to test Virginia by having Scott replace a bass order with salmon instead. Virginia spots it right away and has him redo the order.

When Virginias turn at the pass is over Gordon takes over. Now he wants to make sure they can all still work together. This proves difficult since each of them is trying to beat the other one. They barely make it through the service even after some questionable “miscommunications”.

Right as they are finishing the service we get the biggest surprise of the night. Our celebrity guest finally makes an appearance. Is it Mel Gibson ordering the matzo ball soup? Brangelina? The Pope? Nope, it’s bigger than all of them combined. It is in fact raconteur, man about town, and blogger extraordinaire, J-Unit. Maybe you’ve heard of his website Tvgasm.com? It was in Entertainment weekly a few weeks ago and has figured prominently on the CBS early show among others. Even mentions in the New York Times. Yeah, it’s kind of a big deal.

J-Unit in da house! And no, that’s not Eric Neis his sitting with, I asked.

Well, after an electrifying moment like that the producers wisely chose to cut right to commercial so we could all collect our breath. When we come back from the commercial break Gordon brings the three remaining chefs before them. He wants them all to pick someone to for elimination.

Back in the apartment Virginia is expecting that they will both choose Virginia. “He’s probably gonna send you home anyway” says the overconfident Keith. Heather however is wavering and isn’t sure if she will vote for Virginia or Keith. When Keith asks her outside who she is going to vote for Heather is noncommittal. Keith tells us he is worried that she is going to be throwing him a curveball and nominating him. Although if you think about it, it makes sense. Heather wants to win and she would have easier odds going against Virginia in the final two instead of Heather. It seems Keith finally catches on to this kind of strategy because when Virginia asks if he is putting her up he says no. He says is going to put Heather up.

Alas when it comes down to it and they are all before chef Ramsay, Keith nominates Virginia. Virginia goes right back at him and nominates Keith. She didn’t see the love or passion for food” from Keith. Well c’mon, just from looking at him you can see that Keith clearly has a passion for food. When he goes to ask heather who her pick is it looks as if she is about to pick Keith, saying he could have done better, but she goes with the easy choice of picking Virginia. “she didn’t give me that demand for respect while she as up there” heather says pointing to her eyes. Complete Bullshit. Keith could barely perform. Heather clearly has it in for Virginia.

With that being said, Gordon calls both Keith and Heather forward. When he asks Keith why he should be one of the finalists we get the usual boilerplate “It’s a dream come true and I want to win and Iwont let you down and yada yada yada..” When he goes to Virginia we get our usually entertaining botched metaphors. Something about teaching an old dog new tricks, but this dog can be taught new tricks, it’s just that two in the bush are better than a possum in gravy. Who knows. It’s Virginia. She finishes telling Gordon “I’m ready, I want it.”. Yes, yes, we know. You have a new skin for it and everything.

Well Gordon once again says this is the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make. Doesn’t he say this every show? Well maybe not about Dewberry in season one, but almost all the others. Ahhh, Dewberry. How I miss you so. Gordon finally makes his choice after the requisite dramatic commercial break (logo used this time, a matchbook cover. Weak). The loser is…. Keith. Oooh. K-grease goes down!

But as we soon learn, K-grease doesn’t go down without a fight. After staring at Gordon with a pissy look he has the nerve, and I mean the unmitigated gall, to speak up to Chef Ramsay. “so you think Virginia is a better leader than me? I’ve been leading the whole thing. Every station I was on I was leading the line, whatever team I was on. The whole time.”

“I personally don’t think you are ready to lead.” Gordon tells him. Keith then fires his last volley. “I personally think that you have a hard on for Virginia” Whoa! You do NOT talk to chef Ramsay like that.

Why’d you have to be so fucking rude?” Gordon asks in amazement.

“Because you are rude to me all the time!” is K-grease’s obvious answer.

Gordon then looks at him quizzically and says “So?”

“Oh no you d’int!”

“Oh No he d’int!”

“It’s how I roll bitches!”

Awesome. Ramsay doesn’t need to adhere to the rules of logic. He makes the rules you goddamned DONKEY PLANK! After K-grease extremely ill mannered outburst Gordon then says that he now knows he made the right decision. K-grease goes out with an attitude. “He doesn’t like my attitude so fuck him and all those bitches.”

Sadly, we get the blue tinted K-grease flashback. All the big moments. Him talking about how he rocks his pants, him screaming out “Jean Philippe is in there!” at the replica of the Eiffel tower in Las Vegas. Good times. Good times. And for those who can’t get enough K-grease in their lives (and c’mon, who can), you can read his exit interview here. The crux of which can be explained in five simple words. “He keeps it real y’all!”

So now we have our final two. Heather and Virginia. Gordon congratulates them and sends them back to the apartment where they see a bottle of champagne waiting for them when they get there. But the announcer tells us, it’s not over yet. “Chef Ramsay has one more surprise in store for them”. Then we se the door open and the shocked look on the girls faces. What is it? Did Gordon send J-Unit himself backstage to give them their final challenge? Well we’ll have to wait until next week on the season finale. And good news, we get the return of Tom and his flop sweat. You know, you never know how much you’re going to miss something like that until it’s gone.