Things are starting to wind down on Hell’s Kitchen, and with only five aspiring chefs going into Monday’s episode, the restaurant is actually starting to function like, well, a restaurant. Completing dinner service is no longer a mythical feat, and more often than not, compliments are coming out of Gordon Ramsay’s mouth. Does that mean the show has lost its abusive edge? Hell no, you DONKEY! Just because these chefs are improved doesn’t mean they’re immune from the Wrath of Ramsay, and tonight’s episode proved that. Gordo was chock full o’ tasty rants, my favorite being an exasperating plea to use a nonstick pan. Plus, we discovered the scariest beast that a restaurant could encounter. The one, the only, the… TWELVE TOP! Behold the magnificence!This week’s episode began with tears — lots of them. Virginia had just narrowly escaped elimination and was now crying on her bed. Unfortunately for her, the only one around to make her feel better was resident penguin, Sara. The irony was not lost on the narrator, who commented, “Virginia, after facing elimination yet again, has no one left on her team to turn to but her bitter rival, Sara.” Of course, the implication here was that Virginia ever had someone to turn to, but as far as I could tell, she still hadn’t really become friends with anyone (excluding Ramsay, who she happily beguiles with her heaving bosom whenever she can). Nevertheless, Virginia bawled into her pillow, saying, “I suck, suck, suck.” Yes, but tell us about your culinary skills. Rimshot! That was a fellatio joke, you see. Oh never mind.
Elsewhere in the compound, Heather hung out with her Blue Team homies and predicted that Gordon would probably join the groups into one über-team very soon. If that were to happen, the challenges would now be individual, not team. This spurred Garrett to say that if he were to win a challenge, he’d choose Keith to share in whatever reward awaited. I found this quite heartwarming, especially because the producers were so obviously setting up Keith to not return the favor. Suckah!
Nevertheless, Garrett really felt there was a male bond going on (although, I’m not sure that’s ever a smart thing to do when one of the males goes by “K-Grease”). “There’s two of us guys left,” Garrett said, “and we just watch each other’s backs, you know?” He then said, “Literally. He look at each other’s backsides. You can take the boy out of the prison, but you can’t take the prison out of the boy. Squeal like a piggy, K-Grease!” Okay, he didn’t say that, but it should be noted that Keith will happily squeal like a piggy if prompted. That’s just how he rolls.
The next morning, we saw Heather and Keith being all buddy-buddy and such. Oh, poor, naive Garrett. He had clearly become the third wheel to this dynamic duo. This could not end nicely for him. The cooks then all lined up in front of Gordon who congratulated them on making it to the final five. “One of you is gonna have their own restaurant,” Ramsay said, adding, “And the rest of you are DONKEYS! FUCKING DONKEYS!!!!”
Well, maybe he didn’t say that last part, but Gordo then doled out new black and white uniforms to everyone, signaling the end of team play. They were all one unified group now, and Virginia was more than thrilled. “We’re all soldiers now. We all have to be our strongest,” she said. Little did she know that they were DONKEY SOLDIERS!!! (Insert donkey neigh here). Gordon then reminded them all again that they each had a one in five chance of winning the restaurant, causing Heather to tell us excitedly, “It’s me! It’s me! It’s me! It’s me!” I couldn’t help thinking this was massive misdirection on the producers’ part. Setting Heather up for disappointment perhaps? We could only hope!
Anyway, the chefs all changed into their new uniforms, and Garrett commented that until that moment, his life just hadn’t seemed to have clicked. But now it all made sense! Translation: he’s so gonna get backstabbed and disillusioned. Nevertheless, the final five then returned to the kitchen where Gordon revealed this week’s challenge. He presented everyone with ten ingredients and each person had to make something beautiful with them. Winner would go to Vegas to see the kitchen space. Chef Ramsay then lifted a cloth and presented the ingredients, which included “the most amazing fresh prawns!” Or as he likes to call them, “Donkey-fish!”
Well, the chefs all got to work making their culinary masterpieces, and after twenty minutes, they had to present their handiwork to The Ram Man (I just made that up). First up was Garrett whose veal over prawns and mushrooms with saffron earned high marks for being cooked perfectly and tasting nice, but uh oh: the evil specter of saffron strikes again! Too much! Too much! (By the way, this amused me to no end, only because my friends and I have been emailing about saffron all afternoon. Don’t ask…)
Heather’s dish also received praise for being “Very, very nice,” but then Gordon tacked on an “Unfortunately” to the critique. Turns out she had forgotten to wash her spinach, and dirt managed to sneak onto Chef Ramsay’s ever so delicate palate. Yeah, she won’t be winning.
Virginia was next, and surprisingly, Ramsay raved about her prawn dish. Not faring as well was Sara’s offering, which suffered from a boring presentation but at least made up some ground with nice flavors. Last but certainly not least was Keith, who served up a mighty veal chop over a prawn salad. Gordon praised the meat’s amazing color, but how about the actual taste? “Delicious,” Ramsay said. Wow! Somebody was in a good mood. For once, it seemed like Ramsay was choosing the best dish, not the lesser of many evils. It all came down to Virginia and Keith. Who would it be?
“Congratulations to…” Gordon started, and at that point, I fully expected to see an image of a little trident floating in some olive oil or sizzling on a stove, but no! The usual commercial break was nowhere to be found. Gordon revealed that the winner was K-Grease. And guess what? He could take someone along to share the trip to Vegas. Surely he would select Garrett, the guy he had promised to take to any reward. Not necessarily. Keith weighed the options in his head (and we could tell that he was really struggling because he actually put his noggin in a serving dome, perhaps hoping the curvature would somehow assist his decision-making process. That would explain why he wore a mixing bowl to the SATs, but I digress). Well, ultimately Keith chose Garrett? No. Heather? Nope. Virginia? Bingo. Yes, Keith shocked the former blue team by selecting the breast’d one on the basis that her dish came in second place. Apparently when it comes to K-Grease, it’s ho’s before bros all the way baby. THAT’S JUST HOW HE ROLLS, Y’HEARD!
Well, Virginia was so excited that she honed her inner-Swank and began randomly punching the air. We then cut to Garrett whose face showed the sort of rage you only expect from someone who’s had to guard his nether regions for years on end. He was not a happy man. We then went back to Virginia, and good God, she was still punching the air. Calm down, woman! Anyway, Gordon revealed that the losers’ punishment was to wrap up the kitchen in plastic in preparation of a fumigation. Sounded tedious but not nearly as awful as last week’s delivery truck bonanza. Still, even the lightest task would have pissed Garrett off at this point, and as Keith retreated to the dorms to change, he told Virginia, “Garrett’s going to kill me.” Literally, he will kill you. Expect a midnight shank.
Anyway, as the losers got to work prepping the place for fumigation, the narrator chimed in with one of his oh-so-clever comments: “Sarah, Garrett and Heather are starting to cover everything in plastic wrap, but Garrett’s mind is wrapped up in something else.” Nice use of “wrap” parallelism! J-Unit also suggests, “Garrett’s having a hard time keeping his anger under WRAPS,” and I’d like to put forth, “Garrett’s having a hard time dealing with his bum WRAP.” Of course, let’s not forget the obvious choice, “Garrett’s so mad, he could probably write a vicious WRAP song.” Just throwing it out there.
Well, Garrett huffed and puffed and stormed out of the kitchen, out to find Keith and possibly ass-rape him. “Nice pick, FRIENDSHIP!” Garrett told his new nemesis.
“No, listen dude,” K-Grease protested, but Garrett was prepared for such a response:
“No, listen nothin’! LISTEN NOTHIN’!!!!” Oooh. Well played!
Anyway, the two guys went at it, and Keith profusely apologized, saying he felt so bad he thought he might throw up. And let me tell you, the last thing we want to see is K-Grease barfing. Still, all the apologies in the world weren’t enough for the inconsolable Garrett. “I’m so mad. I hope the plane crashes,” he sneered. Okay, time to get over it, Garrett.
With anger brewing at the homefront, the two winners flew off to Las Vegas where we got to see K-Grease in all his casual-wear glory. Idiotic would be too kind a word to describe him. I still didn’t know how such a buffoon could ever be the executive chef of a casino restaurant, but hey, maybe he would only be in charge of the midnight buffet. Of course, this assumes that he’ll win, and sadly, that’s seems to be the direction this show is moving in.
As Gordon met up with Keith and Virginia and brought them to the Red Rock kitchen, the losers finished wrapping up the whole kitchen. Ah, but they weren’t done with their punishment yet. Scott and Maryanne revealed that the three cooks would be the fumigators. Yes, everyone had to put on special suits and masks and fumigate the night away. Still not as bad as the delivery truck, if you ask me.
Back in Vegas, Albie Colotto — the architect of the Red Rock casino — met up with Gordon and his two aspiring chefs, and we could practically see the disappointment on his face when he saw Keith. His phony smile seemed to say “This guy will be cooking in my kitchen??? Fuck that!”
Well, the group walked into the restaurant space, which was merely a ramshackle open room that wasn’t even close to completion. That didn’t stop Virginia and Keith from marveling “UNBELIEVABLE!!!” as if they had just walked into the Palace of Versailles. We then saw a cheesy fantasy sequence as the two chefs imagined what their dream restaurant would look like. It probably would have helped if both fantasies didn’t feature the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant. Finally, Gordon bid the two adieu, giving Virginia a kiss on both cheeks and slapping Keith with an aggressive handshake. For whatever reason, this caused Keith to do a little dance and start making slot machine noises. Yes, yes, Keith. We know what slot machines sound like. Now SHUT UP!
Later, Keith and Virginia drove around The Strip, and when they passed the Paris Casino (or “Paree” as the editors phonetically spelled it), Keith yelled out, “Jean Philippe is over there!” Get it? Because he’s French! Too bad there’s not a Fatass Douchebag Poseur Casino. Then we could yell, “K-Grease is over there!”
At 2:17 AM, the losers finally finished fumigating, and guess what? Garrett was still pissed. Heather told him that she felt uncomfortable when he got mad, and he explained that he would never lay a hand on her. He had already worked through his anger management issues (as evidenced by his cool demeanor this episode.” Garrett then said that when he was younger, “I got removed from my home and put in like this youth anger program.” He then added, “I think it was called juvey or something? I don’t remember.”
Later that morning, after everyone had had a restful sleep, the losers sat in their little lounge and waited for the Vegas jerks to return. And guess what? Garrett was STILL pissed. “How’s it feel to be fucked over?” he rhetorically asked his buddies — all the while brandishing a large knife. Seriously, Keith is going to die this episode.
Actually, the two winners returned without incident, and after some general babbling about the Red Rock Hotel and Casino, all the chefs got to work prepping for that evening’s dinner service. We knew this could be a rocky night, especially since there were two sets of rivals butting heads in the kitchen: Sara vs. Heather, and Garrett vs. Keith. Oh, and you can’t forget Virginia vs. common sense. Well, because K-Grease’s veal chops were so damn excellent during the challenge, Ramsay announced that they’d be going on the menu as a special. Keith tried to name it the Cha-Ching Veal (because it’s money and dumb), but when he received puzzled looks from JP, he thankfully dropped this idea. Keep in mind that this is the second time this season he’s tried to push “Cha-Ching” as an acceptable title. Maybe next time he should try “Bling Bling Beef” or “Flossin’ Fish.”
As dinnertime approached, Gordon made a very special announcement to his chefs. Tonight, there would be… a twelve-top! Oh no! NOT A TWELVE-TOP! For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, a “twelve-top” is a twelve-person table. The challenge was to have all the appetizers and all the entrees arrive at the same time. A simple task for the Olive Garden. A mammoth challenge for these cooks. I personally felt bad for the twelve-top. They surely were about to have the longest, worst meal of their lives.
Behold the future of American cuisine.
Off the get-go, there were problems with the appetizers. Sara was flipping her scallops too often, causing Gordon to yell, “Sara, if you sauté scallops in a nonstick pan, they won’t stick. That’s why they call it FUCKING NON-STIIIIIICK!!!” Sadly, mere text does not describe the sheer frustration in Ramsay’s voice, manifesting itself in a wondrous falsetto lilt on the word “STIIIIICK!!!” He then barked, “I don’t know what nonstick means in Texas, sweetheart, but FUCK ME!!!” To be fair, “nonstick” means “butterflies” in Texas. It’s really weird.
Sara wasn’t the only one screwing up. Gordon angrily spit out Heather’s risotto, seething, “It’s bland!” Man, he’s a real pussy. I’ve had bland risotto many a time, and I’ve never spit it out. I merely eat it angrily, making snippy remarks to my fellow diners, and then of course smiling broadly and saying, “Oh it’s great!” when the waiter comes around.
The good news for Heather was that her next batch of risotto was “spot on,” and soon, all the diners were enjoying their appetizers, smiles on everyone’s faces. Even Gordon seemed happy with the way things were going. We knew this couldn’t last long. Sure enough, we then cut to Virginia slaving away with the veggies. She was responsible for twenty different vegetables, and the pressure was getting to be too much. While she struggled at her station, we then headed over to Garrett who appeared to be boiling a chicken or something. Ramsay pestered him about when it would be ready, and eager to impress the chef, Garrett served up the chicken prematurely. Unfortunately, the poultry was still raw, causing Gordon to remark, “You could have killed someone!” And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the much hyped health scare of this week. Intensity defined!
Garrett tried to explain himself, saying he was just trying to be faster, but Gordon chopped him down with a swift and efficient, “SHUT IT!!!” This led to a station swicheroo as Keith took over Garrett’s meat station. As you’d expect from K-Grease, he was a master with the meats, making Ramsay very, very happy. Before long, the chefs had served 83 of the 100 entrees. Almost like a real restaurant! Huzzah! Oh, but they weren’t in the clear yet. The chefs faced their biggest challenge yet: a dumpy-faced woman with a saggy ass and large boobs.
This woman, who clearly wanted to be on TV, marched up to the hot plate and said, “Excuse me Mr. Ramsay.” Gordon asked her to hold tight for just thirty seconds, but no chef was about to get in the way of HER moment in the spotlight. She began pestering Ramsay, asking when her food would be ready. Finally, Gordon asked, “Would you mind taking your breasts off my hot plate?” Oh SNAP! But it wasn’t over! “How can I serve food with those shit things there?” he asked, causing another woman nearby to laugh.
Note how delighted Dumpy’s friend is.
Well, Dumpy McBoobsalot was not about to take these insults! She took a plate of risotto (or whatever it was) and flipped it over! And even worse, she then threw the entire serving tray off the hot plate! SECURITY!!! Luckily, this lady required no official escort. She proudly strutted out of the restaurant and conveniently, the overhead camera was able to look right down her cleavage. Consider yourself famous, not-so-young lady!
Just when things couldn’t get any more hectic, guess who walked in? That’s right. TWELVE TOP. Yes, twelve middle-aged women waltzed into the dining room, ready to celebrate a bachelorette party. This could only lead to obnoxious chaos. I envisioned twelve drunk women groping the waiters and letting out randy shrieks of joy. This of course would turn to bitter belligerence over the course of the night, culminating with one woman yelling, “Cindy, you’re such a slut. We all know you’ve been sleeping with Peter! WHORE!” The good news was that things never got that bad with these ladies. The bad news was that Jean Philippe was quickly lured into their web of horniness. He seemed alternately excited and horrified — as any man usually is when they encounter a bachelorette party.
Meanwhile, inside the kitchen, Sara offered up five large scallops to Ramsay. However, she claimed they were medium, not large, causing Gordon to hand her a towel and say “Clean your glasses.” Sara laughed it off — point well taken, chef — but he was serious. “CLEAN YOUR FUCKING GLASSES!!!!” he yelled. MUST… ILLUSTRATE… POINT!!!!
Luckily, the specter of the ominous twelve-top didn’t derail the kitchen. Sara and Heather served up their twelve appetizers, and in an unimaginable feat, they all passed muster. Ramsay thanked the women, and Heather told us, “Every time Chef thanks me, I get all giddy inside.” Shut up, you DONKEY.
Well, with the kitchen heading towards a completed dinner service, the narrator said, “Virginia and Garrett have a chance to redeem themselves with their entrees.” Yeah, that probably won’t happen. Moments later, Gordon called out, “Carrots?” To which Garrett replied, “Yes, Chef?”
“Carrots I said. Not Garrett,” Ramsay barked. So much for that whole redemption thing.
As for Virginia, Ramsay asked her where some vegetable was, and she said that she was just working on finishing up the tortellini. One problem: there was no tortellini on the order, DONKEY! “Listen, you stupid fucking fat mouth bitch!” Gordon screamed. He then slammed the counter and had one of this standard RamsayFits. Memo to self: never mention tortellini around Gordon.
Chef Ramsay then turned his wrath towards JP, who had been wasting too much time with the twelve-top ladies. “What are you trying to do?” Gordon asked. “Lose your virginity?” JP then laughed uncomfortably and replied, “Well, yes, actually.” Okay, he didn’t say that. JP merely gave Gordon his patented blank-faced expression. Nevertheless, despite the tortellini issues and the wandering maitre d’, the kitchen managed to serve its last table successfully, and all under three hours! Yay! They’re gonna catch up to you, Applebees!
Later, Chef Ramsay praised the team for putting in their best performance yet, but then he chastised them for not working as a team. He called Sara “feisty,” labeled Heather inconsistent, bashed Garrett for his poor meat service, and told Virginia that she had put herself “in the shit.” Keith was the only one who emerged unscathed. Chalk another victory up to K-Grease! As the reigning master chef of the group, Keith then was charged with the responsibility of nominating two people. “If you send me up there, I swear to God…” Garrett told him.
“You’re in,” Keith replied. Translation: your ass is grass, prison boy.
Keith then talked to Sara and Virginia about who they thought should go up, and they gave the standard excuses. It wasn’t very interesting; so let’s just get to the noms. Keith selected Virginia (again, of course), and then… COMMERCIAL! Of course! And by the way, the little “We’re cutting to commercial!” graphic was really lame this time. Normally they’re awesome, but this one had a guy chopping a mushroom, and oh look! A mushroom slice shaped like a trident just happens to fall out. Lame.
Anyway, back to the show. The second nominee was… GARRETT. Hahah, sucker. Should have shanked him while you had the chance…
Well, Garrett made an urgent plea to Ramsay, saying “I promise you that my next performance will be my best.” He then said he was foaming at the mouth for this opportunity. Is that really a good thing for a chef — to be foaming at the mouth? Probably not. I mean, not even sweat-bag Tom foamed.
Virginia then told Ramsay, “Yeah, I’ve made mistakes, and yeah I’ve embarrassed myself, but I still want to keep trying.” Doesn’t she say that every week? She should just bear her breasts and say, “Seriously, Chef. You can’t deny these funbags.”
Well, it finally was time for someone to be cut. Ramsay took a deep breath and said, “Virginia.” And so her ride finally came to an end. We knew her luck would eventually run out and– WAIT! I spoke too soon! Ramsay finished his sentence by saying, “You’re staying.” That’s right, Garrett was out! And no one was more surprised than Garrett himself! Gordon said he just could not get over the raw chicken incident, and with that, the former prison chef turned in his coat and walked out. I was surprised. I thought for sure Gordon would give him a little pep talk like he did for Rachel, Maribel, and Elsie last season. But no. The chef was silent, clearly still disgusted about the chicken.
Back to the ol’ prison rape.
This meant that we were down to our final four. Keith noted, “Now I’m the only dude left. Just K-Grease and the bitches!” Incidentally, that’s also the name of his underground mixtape. I have five copies. Sara then chimed in and told us, “I’m a lover, not a fighter, but seriously, I’m not a fuckin’ doormat.” And from the looks of it, you’re not much of a chef either.
My prediction: Virginia’s luck runs out next week. What did you think? Did Ramsay make the right choice?