Hell’s Kitchen: Just Another Pretty Girl In That Kitchen There

Ladies and Gentlgasmii, welcome to Season 5 of Hell’s Kitchen!! Grab your tongs, put on those aprons and get ready for a mother-plucking funfest of cooking, crying, and my personal favorite, Cursing. Wooooo!

We swoop through the hills and valleys of Hollywood accompanied by the inspirational tinkling of piano keys. At last, we have reached our destination. Oh crud. The creepy and annoying narrator is back. Bleh. Hate. Him. SO. Much.

Anyway, C&A tells us…”Over the past four years, dozens of hopefuls have entered Hell’s Kitchen with a dream…But, to accomplish that dream they would have to please Master Chef Gordon Ramsey.” I am so not going there. At least not yet. Did you know he would put them through HELL? Well, he would. We get a memories montage that goes a little something like this:

Four great chefs would emerge and Chef Ramsey would change their lives forever. Or for a year. Same difference. This year, thousands have auditioned, but only sixteen will be chosen. Three hundred chefs (extras) were invited to Hell’s Kitchen to meet their idol and find out who has been chosen.

Jean-Phillipe! I have missed you so. As JP announces the chosen ones, all the chextras whoop and holler for them. The first contestant we get to meet up close and personal is Danny. Danny is 23 and an executive chef from Florida. He is also a self-proclaimed GOD of cooking. He will dwarf the competition with his cooking.

Next!! Here we have Ben, a 26 year old executive sous chef from Chicago. He tells us he is extremely passionate about food, and also sometimes comes off as intense. He also seems to sweat. A lot.

This year’s prize is the coveted position of head chef at the Borgata Hotel. In Atlantic City. Feh. We get little snippets of the season which include chefs yelling at chefs, Ramsey yelling at chefs, a chef yelling “You couldn’t cook my dick!” and JP making fun of one of the girls. Did I mention my love for JP? According to C&A this is going to be the MOST intense, thrilling, amusing, shocking, and AWESOME season EVAH. Fasten your seatbelts, because we are clear for take off.

Opening credits. I think that these may be the most lame yet. I refuse to describe them beyond saying that they remind me of one of Rick Moranis’ inventions from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids or one of the subsequent sequels. After the lame-o credits, we are right back in the kitchen. The contestants have already been divided into the Men v. Women teams, and everyone is busy preparing their signature dishes for tasting.

So. From my point of view, these dishes had better kick some serious ass. EVERY season starts with the contestants cooking signature dishes, so by season 5 every single person should have something spectacular to show him, right, right? I mean, at this point, not having perfected your signature dish is like going on Survivor not knowing how to build a fire, or going on Top Chef without a freaking dessert recipe. SHIT. These had better be fucking great.

Amid the hustle and bustle of the kitchen we are introduced to a few more contestants. LA (L.A. that is, not lah) informs us that she got goose bumps as Ramsey was walking by her in the kitchen, but never fear all you single ladies out there, she is into chicks, not dicks. Given the fact that she is a line cook I am not surprised – those gals have to be tough to hang.

And now, my favorite moment of the evening thus far. Meet Lacey. Lacey is a 24 year old corporate buffet cook from North Carolina. She enjoys looking in the mirror and blowing kisses at herself. Let’s ask Lacey to tell us all a little bit about herself….”People probably look at me and be, oh, here’s another Pretty Girl, trying to be a cook.” I wonder how she be knowing exactly what I is thinking?!?

Giovanni (37, executive chef) started cooking because it was an easy way to get a girl to his house. Instead of taking her out to dinner. Oh, and BTW, did you know food is an aphrodisiac? Add wine to that, and woo hoo, you are ready to move on to the next level. **Sigh**. Ugch.

The cooking frenzy continues until Ramsey calls time. It is time to face the executioner. The plates are laid out on two tables under silver domes, as usual. Round and round the table goes, where it will stop, no one knows.

First up is Carol (30, sous chef). Ramsey’s reaction upon seeing her plate? “Oh, fuck.” Or maybe “Oh, shit.” My guess is “fuck” as that seems to be his favorite word. What is the dish? Well, it is a Roulade of Veal served over caramelized onions. It looks like crap on a plate. But Ramsey thinks her food is delicious. Phew.

Following Carol, we have Wil (26), an openly gay quality control chef, as is evidenced by his gay pride pin. Bet Ramsey is happy he asked about that. Wil would like to inform the unenlightened among us that he has the same plumbing as other men; it’s just his wiring that’s different. Thanks for the info, Wil!

Wil has made Rabbit Two Ways. He has braised the rabbit, and also grilled the tenderloin. Again, the presentation here is shit, but Ramsey thinks the flavor is delicious.

Ji is up next. She is a 33 year old private caterer who seems to have some daddy issues going on. She tells us that her dad lived the restaurant life and never had time for his kids. She wants him to see what she can do in the kitchen. Her dish is a Miso and Sake Marinated Chilean Sea Bass. Ramsey lurves the dish. He tells Ji that it is cooked perfectly, and then goes on to tell her that she should cook this dish for her dad. High praise, indeed.

Moving on to Robert (29, sous chef). His dish is greeted by a “Holy Shit, who did the camel hoof?” I immediately like Robert as he tells us “Don’t adjust your TV, I got a weight problem, I know that.” He then loses a couple of points for referring to himself as the underdog, and comparing himself to Rocky. The dish is Potato and White Truffle Wrapped Chilean Sea Bass. In some kind of crappy sauce. Ramsey thinks the fish was cooked nicely, while the sauce was disgusting, and the plating clumsy.

Next is PrettyGirl. She has made Chicken and Blackberries. You can tell she is in corporate dining because the chicken looks like a piece of toast with jam on it. Upon trying her dish (and spitting it out), Ramsey agrees that it is corporate alright. “You serve. They eat. Straight after, they vomit.” Why do you think all those corporate chicks are so skinny, Gordon? Splurge and purge, baby!

Next up? Danny, the God of Cooking. Danny would also like us to know that he is a redneck. He also likes to hunt. Like ducks or gators or whatever. It’s fun because then he can bring them home and cook them. Danny makes a mean roadkill chili. His dish today is Mahi Gone Bananas. And all I could think of when he said that was: “That shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Ramsey agrees with me. It is hideous. Danny thinks Ramsey is just looking for a rise out of him, which he WILL eventually git. I am so sure that he is shaking in his shoes. Chef asks where the idea for this dish came from, to which Danny replies, “I just pulled it out of my ass.” Brilliant. Chef informs him that he should shove the idea back up his ass because it sucks (ass). LMFAssO. I heart you Chef!

We’re entering a downward trend here as Giovanni is told he can’t cook, and prep cook Charlie is told his signature dish looks like a Ferris wheel. Chef Ramsey neglects to mention that it is also mangy looking and very, very, very rare.

LA fails to score with her Fish and Chips in some sort of spunk sauce. Nah-sty. And J’s food is so bad that we barely get even a glance at it. It looks more like something Andrew Zimmern would eat on his show.

And now….oh my lord, we have made it to the second awesome moment of the evening. “Who’s cooked the diapers?” Why it’s Colleen. With an O-lean. It’s not diapers, silly, it’s Smoked Chicken Enchiladas with Poblano Cream Sauce. And by the way, my name is COlleen. Hilarity ensues. “Corrine,” says Chef Ramsey. “Colleen.” “Corrine.” CO-lleen.”

Colon is a culinary instructor/cooking school owner. And she is not a trained chef. Huh. Colon charges approximately $300 for 3-4 hours worth of training. And I get an idea for a new business venture! Ramsey spits out her food almost immediately after putting it into his mouth. He cannot believe that people pay her that kind of money to teach them to cook this crap.

He goes on to say “I feel like I need some plastic wrap on my ass.” Which, not to be gross or anything, but what purpose would that serve? I mean, if he is saying what I THINK he is, what would plastic wrap on your ass accomplish, other than spreading the mess out onto a greater area? Right? I think what you meant to say Chef, is, “I need to wrap a plastic BAG around my ass.” Wouldn’t that be better?

And then, out of Colon’s mouth pops this lovely gem…”I teach manners too, chef.”

Oh no she di’int!! “Say that again?” says Ramsey, followed by “Okay, please, Miss Manners, fuck off back in line.” Great job on the lesson! That was fucking priceless. LOVED it.

Only 5 more to go!

Andrea, a 30 year old line cook and recent culinary grad gets a “spot on” for her dish with no description. Coi (café cook, 22) gets a “delicious and perfectly cooked” from Ramsey, but we don’t get a description of her dish either. I also want to note here that along with Ramsey liking the taste of their food, the dishes they’ve presented are also infinitely better looking than anything else we’ve seen so far.

Executive sous chef Paula (28) presents some sort of soup that is “seasoned beautifully.” Seth (27), a private party chef, tells us his dream is to be like Gordon Ramsey. And he has read all his books, and he has visited his restaurant in Manhattan. What dedication. He is presenting Cinnamon Crusted Rack of Lamb in an Aubergine Ratatouille. Uh, I’ve never heard of ratatouille being made without eggplant, so why would you name it eggplant ratatouille? Pretentious. Bleh.

Chef Ramsey spits his food out, asking why it is so sweet. Why, because of the honey, of course. Only no one has ever heard of putting honey in a ratatouille. Pretentious and a trailblazer. How exciting for all of us. Seth wins the prize for making the worst dish that Gordon Ramsey has ever tasted. If that’s true, that is really freaking BAD. Just think of all the shit food he’s eaten on his other shows. It boggles my mind.

And now, last but certainly not least, we have Ben, Mr. Intensity. Ben has trained himself to be a machine in the kitchen. And as much as he looks like he could be a prick, I have to admit, he probably IS a beast in the kitchen. He has that look about him. His dish is Pan Seared Pecan Duck Breast, which is well received. The best dish by far on the men’s team.

And FINALLY we have made it through the tasting. Ramsey walks them through the prize, which we have already covered. Robert tells us that the Borgata is the shit. All his boys go there. I think AC is shit. I refuse to go there.

Hell’s Kitchen will be open tomorrow night and expectations are high based on the signature dishes. They are dismissed to the dorms to come up with a dynamic team name. Lame. Doesn’t Trump do that on The Apprentice? Ben likes “Blue Balls” for the men. No. “Blue Coats”? “Blue Coconuts”? Wow. Those are sure keepers. Robert throws out “Blues Brothers” which Ben immediately corrects to “BLUE Brothers”. Ooookaay.

Over to the Ladies. They are throwing out red spice names like Cayenne and Paprika. PrettyGirl thinks a lot of the suggestions are really, really stupid.

Colon’s idea? Flames of Hell. We need more of an explanation, Colon. “You know, something about the flames…..of Hell.” Thanks, Colon, that’s better. More ideas: “Saffron Sistas”, “Smoking Reds”, “Sizzling Spices” and my personal favorite, “The Spice Racks”. That one is genius.

Morning arrives, and the chefs go downstairs to the kitchen to begin prep for service. PrettyGirl informs her team that she would rather watch each station before doing any of them, since she doesn’t have any line experience. That goes over about as well as you’d expect.

It looks like they put her on dessert, making ice cream. She bitches and moans. And moans and bitches. She doesn’t know what to do-ooo. Someone walks by her and says: “That looks like turd.” Hah. She cries in an interview about how overwhelming this all is. Suck it up you big fucking crybaby!!

PrettyGirl says she is quitting and walks out of the kitchen. WTF? What a stupid little bitch. PrettyGirl tells us she just says shit like that because she’s frustrated and pissed off and she needs a moment to herself. And now everyone hates her. Oh, cry me a fucking river you little twit.

The women continue on without her. As you do. Over on the men’s side, they are dealing with their own headache. Seth. Seth has never worked in a restaurant before, so he is wandering around, asking where things are, and taking an unacceptable amount of time to peel the baby carrots.

PrettyGirl tells us she’s really not a quitter. She’s trying to get her head together as quickly as possible so that she can show her team she is there for them. Try putting out your cigarette and getting your ass back in the kitchen then!! Eventually she rejoins her team. And they are so thrilled to have her back.

Gather round everyone. Time for team names. Ladies? Team Saffron. Pleh. I liked Spice Rack better. Men? The Blues Brothers. Yay! Go Robert!

Sixteen chefs in a kitchen is two too many, so Ramsey calls for volunteers. The two he picks will be waiters tonight. Carol and Giovanni. Neither of them are thrilled about it. Ramsey picks out Charlie to tell him there will be no 12 inch long ginger pubic hairs in the crème brulee. He is ordered to go trim the goatee, which he does, no problems or complaints. I complain about the visual I just got of red pubes in my food.

Five minutes to open. Charlie is trimming, Carol & Giovanni are being schooled in the art of serving by JP, and in general, everyone seems to be pitching in to help in the last minute crunch. Almost everyone. Guess who isn’t? I bet you can’t. It’s PrettyGirl!

Coi gets into it with her over starting souffles. PrettyGirl is not going to take her crap. Coi is pretty much like, fuck you, bitch, shut up and get this shit done already, you’ve had all day. Or something like that. PrettyGirl was GOING to help before you were such a bitch, Coi.

Coi tells her, “If I get kicked off because of you, I swear to God, I am coming after you Lacey.” PrettyGirl whines that she’s been threatened, did everyone hear? Coi tells us how PrettyGirl has been bitching and moaning all fucking day, and everyone’s station is set up except for hers. She is pretty ticked off about it, and I’m with her on that one.

Poor PrettyGirl has had to deal with jealous bitches before. “I knew this was going t’happen. I’m just soooooo sick of stupid bitches. Eeeeevery time I work in a kitchen with women.”

Ramsey ends up walking right through their stupid fight, and makes the HUGE mistake of asking what is going on. Chef! Stay out of the cat fights. Coi starts going off again, and PrettyGirl says she’s been threatened, and Ramsey is pretty much like, shut the fuck up, we are getting ready to open. JESUS.

JP!! C&A tells us, AGAIN, based on the quality of signature dishes, Ramsey has high hopes for tonight’s opening. I’m sure by now he’s used to disappointment. Bumbling clown music plays as Carol and Giovanni begin to take their first orders. Carol seems to handle herself well, but Giovanni cannot explain what polenta is (basically it’s mush made from cornmeal. Sounds yummy, right?). JP gives him a quick little pep talk. He is so cute. JP, not Giovanni.

Red kitchen. Order in. His order call out is met with silence. After 4 years, we all know Ramsey wants to hear a loud and decisive “Yes Chef!” when he’s done. Let’s try that again. “Yes Chef!” Thank you.

It takes Giovanni over twenty minutes to get his first order in. While Ramsey is calling out the order, Robert starts yelling over him. Rut Roh. You are supposed to wait until AFTER he is done to be loud and decisive. He tells Robert that he can fucking call out the order then. Ok by Robert. “Oh yeah. Gimme the reins and let me drive this bitch!”

Back to the red kitchen. PrettyGirl’s scallops are up at the pass, and they are RAW. She’s doesn’t understand how the fuck it’s not cooking. There must be something wrong with their oven, it wasn’t cooking anything. Ramsey: “It would help if your gas was on.” Bwah ha ha ha ha.

As we continue on we learn that Ben and Robert can’t cook pasta. Seriously? And Colon seems to think she can improve on the spaghetti recipe. That goes as swimmingly as you have probably imagined it would.

Power outage. That’s something new. It doesn’t appear to be completely out, the ovens are still working, and the teams continue to cook. Danny gets chewed out for undercooked scallops also. He gets a little lippy with Ramsey, and you and I know Ramsey is not going to stand for that. “Come here, you.” Danny continues to mouth off which is so stupid on so many levels. Shut the Fuck UP. Lights out. No. not for Danny, literally, lights out.

Back from commercial, the lights are still out, and Ramsey says they can’t cook in the dark, JP, please explain to the customers. Carol has a grand plan to keep her customers happy. Get them sloshed. And it seems like it works. Good job, Carol.

My boy Robert is using this opportunity to talk down Danny. Telling him to bite his tongue, leave that shit in the past, move on from it. New start. You tell him, Robert. I am seriously liking his attitude.

After 20 minutes, the lights come back on and we are ready to go again. Ramsey gives them a quick pep talk and we are off and running again. Let’s see who fucks up next. Why it’s Colon. She decides to start a fresh spaghetti dish in a dirty pan. Her excuse for this is that there are no clean pans left. Ramsey: “Look! Pan. Pan. Pan. You were going to start a fresh spaghetti in a dirty pan. Holy Crap!”

The boys are doing slightly better, getting food out. The only problem is that Giovanni doesn’t know who ordered what. Main courses coming up. Seth and J are ready, but waiting on garnish. Burnt gnocchi. Oh, it’s not supposed to be burnt. Now the blue team is behind.

Girls? Colon has decided to get ahead of the game. By cooking all the spaghetti in the kitchen. Ramsey cannot believe his eyes. Seth’s lamb? Mangled. Ramsey calls him up to the pass to yell at him for fucking it up. He calls him Forrest. Ha. Seth is so thrilled that Ramsey has nicknamed him.

This is driving me crazy, y’all. This dude totally looks like someone, but I can’t put my finger on who, and it is driving me NUTS.

Two and half hours into dinner service. When is he going to shut it down?!? Colon has now fucked up the risotto. It is dubbed the Worst Risotto Ramsey Has Ever Tasted In His Entire Cooking Career. Why is it so sweet? Um, Colon mistook a container of sugar for salt. I’m guessing she didn’t taste her food before it went up to the pass. Tsk. Tsk.

The men aren’t doing any better, as Wil seems unable to get out any of the garnishes. Robert tries to help him out, but all that does is draw Ramsey’s attention over there again. Wow, it looks like he is getting help from Robert, Charlie AND Ben. That does not go over well. At all.

We have reached the three hour mark, and people start to leave. FINALLY. Sheesh. Switch it off. Thank You. Everyone gather round. Chef Ramsey, how do you think the night went? Pathetic, absolute embarrassment, utter CRAP. Clear down!

C&A: “Chef Ramsey’s hope of a dream service has turned into a nightmare.” Now he must choose the winning team. Obviously no one is going to win on what went on in the kitchen since they all basically sucked ass.

For the first time ever, he will let the dining room service dictate the winner. Does anyone know if that’s really true? 88% of Carol’s diners rated her above average. Yay booze!! Giovanni. 90% of his diners thought he was………..below average!! Ladies win. Guys, fuck off to the dorms and nominate two individuals for elimination.

Danny nominates Wil based purely on worst performance of the evening. Wil is not even going to try to defend himself, so he nominates himself. The guys seem to think that is a pretty fucking stupid idea, but Wil views it as manning up. Remember, his wiring is different from the other guys, so he is willing to dive under the bus, rather than making them throw him there.

Charlie nominates Seth. Seth thinks he did great. Ben: “Did you just say you did great tonight?” Uh, I do not think that word means what you think it means. J also wants Seth to go. Here Seth tries to deflect attention from himself by asking Giovanni what happened.

Downstairs. Who are your nominees? Seth says that Wil is the first nominee based on his poor garnish performance. Second nominee is Seth, and he can’t tell Ramsey why, beyond that the other guys have their own reasons. J jumps in to clarify. Seth is the first nominee, Wil is the second nominee. The guys basically think that Seth doesn’t give a shit.

Robert is even willing to put himself up in Wil’s place. There must have been some crazy shit that went down that we didn’t get to see. In the end, the nominations remain the same. Due in part, I think, to the fact that Robert snuck in there that Wil had nominated himself. Sneaky, sneaky. Look like a good guy, but get out the insider information to Chef. Very Clever.

Why should each of you stay?

After the montage o’suck, Wil is told to take off his jacket and leave Hell’s Kitchen. Sayonara sucka. The rest of you piss off to sleep!!

Next time, chefs will be diving into crates! Someone gets hurt, and Colon is apparently, a thief! We are guaranteed to see something we’ve never seen before!! I’ve heard that one before.

Until next week, Bugger Off!! SWAK, PottyMouth.