Something Wicked This Way Comes…

Forget all the previous episodes of Hell’s Kitchen, because last nights episode was one for the ages. The show finally hits it’s stride. I’m sure there were some skeptics, like sg-dub, who criticized the fact that most of the contestants couldn’t cook their way out of a paper bag and hence would make uninteresting candidates for a reality show about cooking. Yeah well, Santino made shitty dresses but we all still loved him. But all critics were silenced last night in what had to be one of the best episodes of the season. Gordon has his biggest blow up yet, Tom gets even more sweaty, and Sara becomes one of the big breakout villains of the summer reality season. Like a big breasted Lex Luthor. In fact I would have to say that it was the best episode… IN THE HISTORY OF HELL’S KITCHEN!! The episode begins with our intrepid narrator telling us “And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen“, which is always helpful for the viewer. It keeps us from confusing it with a reenactment of Hell’s Kitchen like Beatlemania, or those nerdy Star Trek fan films. Nope, as we have been told, this is THE Hell’s Kitchen. And it continues. I need me one of those narrators in my life. “EdHill slowly gets out of bed. It is 6 AM and he is clearly groggy. He rubs his eyes, and decides to stand up. He continues t breathe, thus converting oxygen into c02, a vital component of photosynthesis.” and so on and so forth. I could just hire some kid straight out of college. It’ll be more of an unpaid intern position, but it’s a good start for those trying to make it in the narration business. Even Morgan Freeman had to pay his dues. I’m accepting applications so email me at EdHill@TVgasm.com. Please be drug free.

But I digress. After Tom’s nomination last week, we start the show with more of his empty, and therefore quite amusing, threats. “These guys pissed me off now. I’m gonna make them feel stupid that they nominated me.” he warns us. How’s that Tom? Are you going to all of sudden do a really bad job and hurt the team? Cuz it’s kind of a situation of “been there, done that”. Tom’s method of dealing with the nomination is to tell them that it’s a bad idea to put him up for elimination because he “has their back”. Which is street lingo in Tom’s neighborhood for “I’m a shitty cook and I burn everything.” In his confessional Tom tells us that if he gets kicked off of Hell’s Kitchen he’s got “nowhere else to go”. How very Officer and a Gentlemen of him. Does this mean Dewberry is going to walk into work and sweep him off his feet at the end of the season? OK, I see how Gordon is Louis Gossett JR., but who gets to be the crazy dude who swallows his girlfriends engagement ring and hangs himself? Oh god, I hope it’s Sara.

Ton continues his confessional; “I’m 43 and this is my fourth career I’ve gone into, there’s no more changing careers. This is it.” Well, its nice to know he’s gambled his entire future career on whether he wins a reality show or not. That’s good planning. I wonder what he’d be like on Blind Date. Outside with the girls Tom displays his sensitive side (remember this is the show where Larry is the closest thing to a “ladies man”). No one has given up as much is has, he tells them. “I bring a lot more to the table than a 21 year old kid” Tom tells them. Yes, I’m sure a 43 year old former stockbroker brings a lot to the table. It’s just that what he brings is useless when it comes to cooking BLOODY RISOTTO! Something tells me that Tom was one of those stockbrokers that thought buying pets.com stock was a slam dunk. When the girls lash out at him for his selfish comment he comes back and tells them “It’s a game!!”. Exactly. A game that you just bet you’re entire future career on. Therein lies the rub.

The next morning we see the results of the carnage from the last elimination. It’s 5 to 3 with the women leading the way. This leads Gordon to start reaming out the boys. OK, bad choice of words. Gordon yells at them. Then Gordon singles out Rachel, Heather and Sara as the leaders of the team. This leaves us with a frantic Veronica highly offended. I mean, hello, she has gigantic tits! Isn’t that supposed to be enough? Good lord what is this world coming to. Women judged on merit and skill?!. I’m glad John Wayne isn’t alive to see this. (I kid! I kid! )

Gordon turns to the blue team and tells them that he is going to give them a leader. “Heather” he says and then we see a look of shock come over Heathers face. Considering what she has been given to wok with its hard to argue. She just better not cross Tom. He’s got her back you see. Sara is so overcome that her main rival is gone she can’t find enough metaphors to describe her feelings. “I’m very much able to take the reigns. This is the time, the time is now.” Well, at least she didn’t say she was giving 150 percent, but at this point in the show that’s kind of assumed.

Gordon then says he is going to take them to the most successful restaurant in Los Angeles. As he walks them down the street outside we get all the kiddies with visions of Spago’s dancing through their head. Wasabi pizza for everyone! But no, Gordon pulls the oldest reality trick in the book and takes them to…. A hot dog joint! Somewhere, Trump smiles. Yes, it’s the legendary Pink’s, the busiest hot dog joint in Los Angeles. Everyone smiles and orders the “Gordon Ramsay” dog special (which we now know DOES NOT EXIST!)

An anniversary of LIES!!!!

Tom then steps it up and says that when he was in college he worked at a hot dog place. Gordon tells him to get behind the counter and make Keith his chili cheese dog. This makes Keith a little nervous, as you can tell from his face that the man is really looking forward to his hot dog. Tom takes the hot dog experiment as a life lesson. “There isn’t one dish that we make in Hell’s Kitchen that is any more complicated than this, and im gonna try to take that into tomorrows service.” Slow cooked pumpkin risotto, chili cheese dog. Two sides of the same coin really. Maybe Tom will surprise Gordon and put some sauerkraut and mustard on the Risotto tonight.

Screw the risotto. Get me one of those bad boys

He knows what I’m talkin about

Now that the women are eating hot dogs its time for some awkward penis metaphors! “Chef your dog is delicious” Sara says while giving out a world class “tee hee”. Then we cut to Virginia. “I didn’t try a chef Ramsay dog but I’m sure it’s spicy and hot, just like he is.” Unabashed fellatio jokes on national television. The best part is reading Veronica’s bio on the Hell’s Kitchen website, we see she is a newlywed. What a lucky guy.

When they are finished with their giant penis metaphor party (funny story, I went to high school with a girl who drove the Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile. She has now used that experience and become a stand up comedian. Shillgasm!), Gordon tells them that for the first time in the history of Hell’s Kitchen… they are going to be doing a lunch service. And they have only two hours to get it started. So they better run back to the restaurant right….now! Everyone starts frantically sprinting back. Everyone that is, except Keith. Since he weighs about 350 pounds and just ate a chili cheese bacon dog that would make Paula Deen blush, he is separated from the pack. “I didn’t want to run back. I walked and I jogged. And I waked and I jogged. That’s how K-grease rolls”.

Morbid obesity. It’s how K-Grease roll’s!

With only two hours to learn the menu, everyone is somewhat relieved to learn that it’s a rather simple one. Almost…too simple (cue ominous music). “Pizza, hamburgers and French fries” Rachel says, “how hard could that be?”. Oooh, I love foreshadowing! “Customers do not wait for lunch” Gordon barks at them. “I am looking for speed and quality”. Then he unleashes the twist. A bunch of kid’s race into the restaurant. Shit, I hope they don’t have a thing for pumpkin.

As the chefs, and Tom, all frantically start their service, Heather takes the reigns (man, even I’m making bad metaphors now. It’s like I’ve gone crazy. Crazy like a fox!) and starts barking out orders, to the delight of the clueless Tom. In the restaurant the kids are busy screaming and playing games of Tic-Tac-Toe, the game that even the W.O.P.R. knows you can’t win. But the true joy of the lunch service is that this means Gordon can’t swear. Think of these kids as walking kryptonite. Adorable walking kryptonite (two Superman references in one recap. Can you tell what movie I’m going to see tonight?). “Move your bottoms!” he says. And then follows that up with “and by that I mean move your ass”. Then he pauses and looks at one of his chefs. “I can’t do it without fucking swearing”. Cut to a confused child asking Jean Philippe what “fuck” means.

The object of the day’s lesson is to complete the service. And as an added bonus we see that the producers have populated each table with pixie sticks. Absolute pure sugar. My hat is off to you FOX. In the kitchen things do what the usually do. They fall apart. Sara cuts her hand and acts bitchy to anyone that tries to help. When Garrett tries to help Tom setting up a Caesar salad, Tom grits his teeth at him and gives him one of his patented angry sweaty looks. Heather is annoyed that the men can’t get over their macho posturing and tells us that she is ready to “break some heads”. While heather is taking over the men’s team, there is a power struggle over on the women’s team. Sara is being crowded by Rachel, but Rachel tells us that it’s because Sara was behind and refuses to ask for help.

Out in the dining room, the narrator tells us that ten minutes in, the diners are getting restless. Then we cut to some FOX segment producers force feeding the kids Red Bull and ephedrine and then spinning them around. Anything for ratings. And seriously, were these kids ever going to be calm and aloof? What kind of 9 year kid isn’t restless?

Man boobs. It how K-grease rolls.

As the food is beginning to be served things start to pick up. As with every week on this show, just when everything appears to be on track things go horribly awry. Sara serves Gordon pizzas that are not round. Did you here me? THey were NOT ROUND! They are square. Sara offers to redo it but Gordon says that she doesn’t have to. They are just children. Children that have just eaten a pound of sugar per person so their palates aren’t going to really notice the pizza shape problem. I mean if they still think their own boogers is a refreshing midafternoon snack, I doubt they’ll complain about any of the food that Hell’s Kitchen will give them. And that includes Tom’s sweat. Gordon tells her that in the future she needs to pay them more respect in the form of a rounder pie. Chef Ramsay’s puts the pie on the plate looks at it and says “Two square pizzas for the first time in Hell’s Kitchen“. Whoa. Was the narrator asleep at the switch there? That’s his line, thank you very much. Do we have even more power struggles to deal with? Sara meanwhile is stewing since it was Rachel who rolled the pizzas in the first place. Square pies. It’s how Rachel roll’s.

Disrespecting the children

From here the service comes down to who can finish. We get a big final countdown as the number of tables needing to be served drops from 5 all the way to 0. That’s right, for the first time in Hell’s Kitchen, season 2, a full meal service is competed for both teams. There is joy in Mudville. Everyone in the kitchen celebrates. And outside in the dining room Jean Philippe get’s covered in silly string. Oh Jean Philippe!

When it comes time to pick a winner. Gordon says it will be based on the kids ratings from 1-10. Red kitchen scored a 9.85. But they rated the blue kitchen a 9.85. Damn Rachel and her square pies! As losers, the red team is given the task of cleaning the dining room, which is covered in silly string, sparkles and the sugar filled vomit of thirty 9 year olds. It’s like Neverland Ranch on a Saturday morning. As they begin to clean Sara muses the “string is no longer silly”. So true. So true. Then she starts playing around with the helium. All this drives Rachel nuts. “Nothing gets through to her” she whispers to herself. Well of course not. It’s because she HAS NO SOUL!

Meanwhile Chef Ramsay has given the men the world’s worst Hell’s Kitchen reward in the hist- oh you get the picture. It’s a day at a crappy amusement park pier. Gordon doesn’t even show up. While they are out there K-grease makes his move. He tells Heather it would be perfect if it was her and heather in the final two because then it would be just H K. Get it! Heathers mind is blown away. She even gives Keith a “what what”. That’s how she rolls.

Meanwhile back in the kitchen, Sara continues her mental breakdown. She uses the spray bottle to pretend like she is peeing in the floor, with the requisite accompanying high pitched “wee wee” sound to really complete the whole illusion. When Rachel asks why she thinks it’s so funny, Sara just comes back and says “Oh I don’t think it’s funny, I just think you’re a bitch”. Her insults are not as subtle as her comedy. Rachel, missing the perfect opportunity for a devastating “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you” rejoinder, just looks at her. When Mary Ann, one of Gordons chefs sees this she takes matters into her own hands and breaks things up, Ramsay style. She grabs what’s left of the giant cake and hurls it to the floor. Take that you donkeys!

The next morning the narrator tells us that in her second day of leading, Heather is pulling up more than the men’s morale. No, it’s not a horrible erection Joke, this isn’t Kill Reality (before you click, you’ve been warned ) . She is just helping K-Grease tie his pants up so his giant ass crack doesn’t show. Garrett is psyched and declares that they will not lose this nights service. Heather is their secret weapon. On the women side things are quiet, the narrator tells us. “too quiet”. In a big contrast to the blue teams confidence, Sara then boldly declares that yes, they will lose tonight. That’s the spirit!

When they are brought before G-Ram, he tells them that for the first time in the history of Hells Kitchen, the ice machine is broken. Since red team lost the days challenge, whenever they need ice, it will be their job to go and get it. Soon the dining room is chock full of hungry out of work actors waiting for their moments, On the women’s side, Rachel is waiting on Sara to finish cooking scallops to complete her first dish. Scallops by the way, take about 3 minutes to cook.

When Rachel asks Sara for the scallops Sara looks at her and says they will be ready in “2 seconds”. Moments later Gordon comes up and asks Sara if the scallops are ready. Sara says “I’m just waiting for her call Chef” pointing to Rachel. Wow. For the first time in the history of Hells Kitchen, one of the chefs is blatantly stabbed in the back! The narrator meanwhile simply calls it a “miscommunication”. Kind of Like Hitler invading Poland. For the first time in the history of Hell’s Kitchen the narrator doesn’t call it like he sees it, and For the first time in the history of watching Hell’s Kitchen I am disappointed. At this point you think I’ve worn out the “For the first time in the history of Hell’s Kitchen ” joke? Yeah. I didn’t think so either.

After Gordon yells at Garrett for not tasting his food before he plates it (no salt in the risotto!), he then lays into Rachel for her sticky risotto. Risotto, Gordon tells her, relaxes on the plate and flows like lava. Gordon even shows her his physical interpretation of flowing lava. It involves lots of finger movements. She has to start over from scratch. On the men’s side Garrets second attempt at risotto is a success and Gordon lets it go out. Things don’t go so well for Rachel. Her second attempt at risotto is now too relaxed. It’s a little too Lebowski when all he was looking for was a touch of Spiccoli. Rachel tells us that being told her risotto is not up to par is a humbling experience. The risotto has humbled her.

Lava!

Back in the dining room, our out of work actors pounce. We get a returned cold spaghetti which is then thrown back in Garrett’s face. Gordon’s threatening to have him thrown back in jail for cold spaghetti (California penal code section 311-312.7. Look it up), he says it just motivates him to work even harder. The last thing you want to do is explain to your cellmate that you’re there for cold spaghetti.

And you know he think’s he’s the “funny one”

In the women’s kitchen Veronica is working with Sara to get her entrees ready. When Veronica asks her how close she is to getting the turbot and tortellini ready, Sara clearly tells her that she is just waiting on her call. With that information in hand Veronica brings her plates up Gordon who then asks where the Turbot is, just as I am asking to myself what the hell a Turbot is ( It’s actually a fish ). Gordon then turns to Sara and tries to get confirmation. “Where is the Turbot?” Sara looks him straight in the eye and says that she hasn’t started it yet. Wow. Sara once again stabs another chef in the back. This is good TV. Oh but we’re not done dear reader. When Gordon hears that the turbot is not ready he turns to Veronica and blames it on her. When Veronica tells him that Sara specifically told her that the turbot was ready (a point hammered home by a quick flashback to Sara saying exactly that), we get another glimpse of Sara with a shit eating grin on her face. She is a lying, backstabbing machine. Sadly Gordon Ramsay has about as much sense as the referees of the U.S. vs. Italy World Cup match and completely blows the call. He accuses Veronica of being the one that is lying to him. He accuses Veronica of being the one there to screw the rest of the team. Veronica tries to get a word in edgewise but to no avail. And then we get another glimpse of Sara and her evil smile. Now is when Gordon needs his magic blurred headphone to pull it’s weight and tell him the truth! And to drive the point home even further, we get Sara in her confessional flat out admitting that yes, she deliberately lied and sabotaged Veronica. “Yeah, well so what?” is her response. She thinks it’s great because the net result is Chef Ramsay now doesn’t like Veronica, which is what she wanted all along. Wow, I haven’t felt hate for a reality show contestant like this since Ivette from BB6. Its still not in the same league, but its not bad.

Meanwhile on the mens team, Tom has had an hour to prepare an order of quail yet still doesn’t have it ready. And now the Wellington is too pink. I don’t get it. It’s like cooking a hot dog! What’s his problem? On the women’s side their quail is coming out with too many bones in it. Gordon then looks at Rachel and tells her to “fuck off and go get some ice”. Oh snap! That’s worse than being called a plank! Oh wait, he actually meant go get ice. My bad. I feel like such a donkey.

Back in the kitchen its time for some Tom bashing. My favorite part of the season so far. Gordo is working himself up into a huge lather about the missing quail from the order from an hour ago. When Tom says he’s got quail ready to go, Gordon slams his fist down “That’s for THAT order!” pointing to another order on the line. As Tom mopes back to his station Gordon just keeps at him. “You’re not bothered are you? It doesn’t hurt does it?” Tom just says He will do what he’s got to do. Then, as if on queue, the plate he is cooking on bursts into flames. Gordon can’t believe his eyes, and neither can I. “You’re cooking on a burned pan!” he yells at him. Tom’s method of trying to put out the fire? Blowing and/or sweating on it. This just gets Gordon even more riled up. Gordon then simply takes the pan off the burner and the fire goes out. Gosh, who would’ve thought that if you take the source of heat away from a flame, the flame goes out? Gordon is like a freaking MacGyver with his knowledge. After the plate goes out he calls Tom a donkey yet again. He moves Keith onto the meat section and tells Tom to not cook a thing and just watch Keith. “Got that, donkey?” Tom says to Keith snidely. Keith then gives him a look that clearly says that is not the way he rolls.

On the women’s side we see Rachel on her trek to get the ice. Unfortunately she has forgotten one big part of the equation. Money. Money you see, is needed for the exchange of goods and services. We see her in the bodega down the street pleading with people to let her have the ice for free. As she drops to her knees to beg, we cut to her saying she will do “whatever I have to do” to get things done. Good lord this is the most sexually explicit season in the history of Hell’s Kitchen! As Rachel is racing back to the restaurant she trips on the street and the ice goes flying. Man this show is good.

Just close your eyes and find your happy place Rachel. It’ll be over soon.

Back in the restaurant the patrons are horrified when they see Rachel lugging ice instead of cooking their free meals. Oh do give it a rest you freaking donkey planks. In the kitchen, after reaming out Veronica for an undercooked Wellington, Gordon then notices that Rachel has been glazing the Wellingtons all night with….. egg whites! No yolks! Well from the look on his face she might as well have been glazing them with the urine if a serial killer. He lines all the women up and yells at all of them. He even once again calls out Veronica for lying about the turbot., followed with another glimpse of Sara and her evil shit eating grin. OK, at this point I know FOX is playing it up. For all I know that’s a clip of her laughing at Gordon calling someone a cardboard box or something, but still, it works. My hatred boils over. Sweet reality show hatred. I feed off it like a vampire. “Fuck the lot of you!” he screams. But he’s just getting warmed up. He brings both the men and ladies together and says he had enough. He then hurls his apron in Tom’s face, who cowers like a little bitch. This must be his ‘street” look. Then Gordon does it. He shuts it down. And he does it so forcefully he doesn’t even have to say “shut it down”. He says it with his body language. Or maybe he did say it but he said fuck between every word so the whole damn thing was bleeped out. Regardless, he tells each team to go back and pick someone to be nominated.

Back in the apartments, Veronica is sitting there with a broken heart because Her Gordon called her a liar. Sara just sits there in her smarmy passive aggressive way and says “Sorry I made you look like a liar but you don’t learn without making mistakes”. In the madness of the kitchen, no one has caught on to the fact that she is deliberately sabotaging everyone else on her team. On the men’s side its obvious Tom has to go. Heather, K-grease and Garrett are all in agreement. But Garrett says that Tom is a salesman and will try and talk his way out of it. Cut to Tom alone in the kitchen practicing his CYA speech. “I like that piece of gum that’s stuck to the bottom of your shoe that you just cant get rid of”. Yes, he’s quite the salesman all right.

On the women’s side, Veronica is falling apart under the stress. She basically tells everyone that she should be nominated, or maybe Mirabel. What? Mirabel then pushes it off on Rachel. Meanwhile Sara sits there silent and it looks like she may be getting away with her evil plan.

Finally they are all brought before Ramsay. He calls them all fast food chefs. But he doesn’t have a fast food restaurant to give away. He has a million dollar restaurant in a billion dollar hotel. So the Santa Fe Gordita, while delicious beyond words, is not what he is looking for. On the blue team he picks Keith as the best of the group and asks for their nomination. Obviously they go with Tom. Then Gordon turns to the red team and chooses….Sara as the best in their group. “You showed some initiative”. Goddamit FOX, why give Gordon a giant earpiece if you’re not going to use it! Sara is the rat! Not surprisingly, Sara picks Veronica, the woman she repeatedly stabbed in the back all night. Gordon however is amazed at Sara’s pick. He thinks that Rachel should have be the one to go.

When its time to give their speeches tom gives his usual “you will not break me, you will not make me leave” schpiel. Veronica however goes another way. She tells the Ramdog that if he feels that she doesn’t deserve to be here the he should send her home. Then she starts crying. OK, not the best approach but whatever.

“Are you happy now Rachel” Gordon says. Yeah are you happy, you made Virginia cry! Rachel one ups him by offering to take her place. But c’mon, we all know what’s gonna happen here. Tom is a freaking disaster. He is sent packing and we hear Tom say that now that he needs a job. Well, America’s Got Talent is auditioning down the street. See you in a few months my good man! I guess Tom was right after all. He really showed them! Garrett looks so embarrassed right now!

After Tom leaves, we hear Rachel say that chef had some ‘choice words for me”. I guess you can say that. If calling you a “fucking loser” is “choice”. Back in the kitchen before he lets everyone go for the night, Gordon looks at them and says “I’m not giving up on you guys but don’t give up on me.” Huh? That doesn’t even make sense. But it’s Gordon Ramsay, he doesn’t have to make sense. He just is.

And with that the episode ends. On the preview for next weeks episode, the narrator tells us that us celebrity time at Hell’s Kitchen, only they keep the celebrity a secret. Maybe it’s Celine Dion looking for a double chili cheese bacon dog from Pink’s, because we all know that’s her favorite.

So what did you think? Was this the best episode so far? Will Sara get what’s coming to her?