OK, so the first episode was barely 20 minutes long and I still have the second one to get through. But, I want to say that I am kind of falling in love with this family. Yes, the show is totally edited and the family is completely aware of how they are being portrayed, but their heart really shines through. It’s hard not to root for them.
Since I have already gone on for 4 pages on part one, I will try to get through part two without taking too many detours.
It’s after the pageant and Alana’s parents want to cheer her up because she took losing really hard. I’m not a big fan of people buying kids pets as a consolation prize. Mainly because it’s really unfair to the pet. But, Alana has always wanted a “Tea Cup Piggy” and they decide to get her one to cheer her up.
Alana has already named the pig Glitzy and has grand plans to paint her nails and possibly even put fake nails on her. She plans to bring her to the pageants for good luck. But, because it is a boy pig, she decides that she will just have to make him a little bit gay.
Her sister says that the pig isn’t going to be gay. And, Alana (this is what I love about little kids – they don’t understand nuance or political correctness, they only understand what they know of gender rolls from what they have learned about what boys like versus what girls like), tells her sister with all of the knowledge of a 6 year old, that they are going to make it gay because they are going to treat it like a girl pig even though it is a boy pig.
Her sister even says, “OK, but it isn’t going to be gay,” and Alana says with all the sass of every know-it-all that I have ever met, “It can if it wants to. We can’t tell that pig what to do.” And while the flaws in her 6-year-old reasoning are horribly apparent, I love that she decides that her pig can be gay regardless of what they think or want.
Seriously? I love this little girl, even though she needs elocution lessons and some kind of child advocate to make sure she is actually getting some kind of education. She is just way too sure of her own mind for me not to love her. She could teach Ashley, of the Bad Girls Club, a thing or two about standing up for herself.
Mama and Alana put together a bed for the pig. It’s a pack and play like you buy for a baby. And Alana is giving attitude about them putting the set together wrong. Mama, of course, just decides that after 45 minutes, they would leave it for Sugar Bear to deal with. At least there is consistency between episodes.
Poor Glitzy came to them with painted toenails and is squealing in discomfort from the first second he comes home to this new family. Alana decides to make him a “Pageant Gay Pig.” I’m not sure what that means, but I have decided to just go with it when it comes to this show. I trust you guys to let me know if I cross the boundaries of political correctness.
Now that Alana has her pig, they are focusing on the pageant again. The notes from the last pageant said that Alana needed refinement, so they have hired an etiquette coach. They greet the coach from the porch holding a squealing pig. The etiquette coach takes it in stride, but you can see that she had no idea what she was getting into.
Anyway, Mama wants both Alana and Pumpkin to have some etiquette classes. Pumpkin disagrees.
The coach tries to explain that good manners is about showing respect and Pumpkin says she doesn’t care what people think of her. I LOVE this teacher because her response is a very polite but pointed, “I hope that works for YOU.” It was all kinds of awesome.
The coach, realizing that explaining the principles of etiquette is completely lost on these heathens, immediately wants to move on to dining room etiquette.
Of course there is a discussion of wether or not farting is appropriate at the table. And the poor woman looks like she is about to jump out of her own skin just to get away from this house. It was all a set up of course. I mean Pumpkin was obviously acting out for the cameras and this woman was seriously trying to do her job. And I could see the sense of relief on her face when she knew she could actually leave.
Next up a food auction. I knew Mama had all of the signs of an extreme coupon mom. The problem with this method of saving money? There are very few coupons for produce and you don’t see produce available at these types of auctions. If ever there were a family in need of their own garden…
Anyway, Mama tries to stick to the diet they set up for themselves, but the temptation to actually win the auction proves too strong. She tries to justify it as Sugar Bear can take it to work, but doesn’t even fool herself. She knows that she and Jessica are going to eat it all. Seriously, June? A garden where you grow some actual vegetables and you and your girls spend time being active outside is just what you need.
Now all of the women in the family are going to see Chickadee’s (Anna) ultra sound at another Macon location. Chickadee is 17 and in her third trimester. As easy as it would be to judge them right now, I know I can’t. My mom was 17 when she had me and I turned out AWESOME – sometimes shit just happens.
Alana has great plans to teach the new baby girl to be a princess. They hear the baby’s heartbeat and Alana does a little bit of dancing to it. Then she asks how the technician can tell it is a girl. The technician says that she has girl parts. Then there is this whole discussion about biscuits.
I know I said I wouldn’t detour, but I have to on this particular point. As I was writing this recap I did a little research to find out what people were saying about the show. I mainly wanted to see if other people had the same mixed reaction that I had. I have to tell you Gasmii that I was extremely disappointed in the number of women who had no idea how to correctly identify their female parts. So, just in case there are any people out there who have no idea what a Vulva is, I want to clarify (and this is totally to one up those know-it-all bastards and bitches at HuffPo):
When Honey Boo Boo and her family are talking about “the biscuit” they are actually talking about the vulva. The vulva and the vagina are two completely different areas of the female anatomy. Forget all of that Vajajay nonsense. The only people who actually see your vagina are your gynecologist or your partner if they are feeling particularly frisky and want to just stare for a while. If someone says that your vagina is hanging out of your dress, they are either using hyperbole, or they are telling you that you need to see a doctor. Because at no time should your vagina be viewable, no matter how short your dress.
I feel like I have to explain this because of the show. The vulva is the exterior of female genitalia (all of those rude names for the female genitalia are actually about the vulva, not the vagina). The vagina is the canal that leads to the cervix which opens to the uterus. The uterus is the safe place in which babies are nurtured and grown. If you need to know how babies actually get there, hit me up and we can totally have that conversation.
That was a special service announcement that was meant to keep you from sounding like an idiot online or in life.
OK, so there is a ton of talk about biscuits and what it means – and I have to give it to TLC, they never allow them to call it a vagina onscreen, so at the very least, they still appear smarter than all of the people who were up in arms about the proper terminology at sites like HuffPo.