Heroes: Dosvidanya, New York! Yes, Again.

I thought Crossing the Line was a team-building exercise.

Previously, on the show with too many Heroes: The Honduran dundertwins contemplate a threesome with Sylar (Maya is for it, Alejandro is like “aw, hell no, I don’t want to see another dude’s balls”), Hiro realizes that being the third wheel blows, especially when you have an entire army to fight, Molly’s nightmare coma causes Mohinder to take her to The Company, Monica double-dutches her way towards a spot in “Bring It On 3: Jump Rope or Get Served,” West and Claire play tonsil hockey after a fucked-up trust fall, Bennet and the Haitian get remarkably good cell phone reception in Ukraine, Peter paints better than his Irish girlfriend and blames Canada, and Parkman and Nathan struggle homoerotically with one another in an illusion cast by evil Papa Parkman.

Oh, and Veronica Mars (Elle) toasts Ricky, the leader of the Irish Spring Gang, so badly that he resembles burnt s’mores. She may also be the spawn of roly-poly Bob. There’s no way that man produced her, unless his powers include the ability to genetically enhance his sperm before it fertilizes an egg. This week, Heroes is sponsored by Disney’s “It’s a Small World.” We visit a bunch of countries (Mexico, US, Japan, Ukraine, Ireland, Canada, the Iraq), converse in five languages (English, Badly-Accented Irish-English, Spanish, Ukrainian/Russian, and Japanese), and switch between two centuries. If you’re not a reader of subtitles, you’re gonna hate it. Our multicultural heroes accomplish as much as the UN – for starters, Ando doesn’t go anywhere, he’s still decoding Hiro’s love letters with the scientist who is just as excited to see what happens next in Fake Feudal Japan. Unfortunately, the scroll ends abruptly.

That’s what she said.

Pub of Broken/Burnt-up Dreams

Peter stands next to some sloppily-placed police tape – seriously, Tim Kring, do you dress the sets yourself?

Caitlin is looking at a framed picture of her brother dressed in an Irish National Flag shirt, as Peter tries to comfort her. He mentions he’s going to Montreal to find the gal responsible for Ricky’s roast, and Caitlin insists on accompanying him, citing the painting as proof that she has to go. Why? So she can “kill the bitch,” kind of like the angsty French MySpace phenom Soko, who sings “Ah’ll keeel ‘er”. I’m pretty sure Caitlin’s potato gun would last two seconds against Veronica Mars.

Helen Keller had a short-lived career as a set designer.

Costa Verde High School

The most unrealistic cheerleading tryouts ever are being held in the school’s quad on a tiny patch of grass. Real high schools have a panel of judges that include adults, and even cheerleading squads have coaches or at least faculty supervision. Seems like the only adult at the school is Claire’s pervy-looking science teacher. Also, I’m pretty sure tryouts are held inside gyms. Claire tries out in front of a cheerocracy led by Debbie, who looks 25. The routine’s message is “Plant a tree!” – I didn’t realize there were Arbor Day cheers. Debbie proclaims that Claire and the rest of the candidates are ordinary. May, the token nice/cute cheerleader, is the sole vote for Claire but is promptly subdued by Debbie. The Kristin Kreuk circa 200 vibe is very strong — did you know she appeared with Hayden in Too Rich: The Secret Life of Doris Duke? Oh, and the Bratz movie, which may be something she wants to downplay in her resume.

At lunch, Emotard tries to comfort Claire about not making the squad. They both glare at Debbie, who’s force-feeding one of her new sheep.

Eat it, lick it, snort it!

Claire’s worried her alibi is blown, but I’d say Bennet’s lies outweigh hers. If I were her, I wouldn’t bother putting up with a bitchocracy and just join A/V Club or something. Claire, you can always fib that you quit the damn team. West suggests she cop to the truth: “You just met this awesome guy and needed some time to make out.” It’s only a matter of time before they get mono or herpes. His Flowbee’d hair is looking more helmet-like than usual. He also goes on to call her a total babe and cites her power as one of the reasons why she is so, like, kickass.

Through a series of logic proofs, the two determine that a cheerleader’s kryptonite is public humiliation. Brilliant, Captain Obvious! This will involve flying and some blood. But probably not menstrual blood a la Superbad. Emotard is not that creative and produces a black ski-mask for Claire’s approval. It was on sale at Urban Outfitters, and makes him feel super-angsty.

That night, Debbie hazes her new cheer minions by Sharpie-ing their weight on their foreheads and advising them to try bulimia. At least she lets them keep their clothes on — I’ve heard of some Greek groups that circle areas that “need work” on their pledges’ naked bodies. (Seriously, though? That’s fucked up.) Gotta love bitchtatorships.

These numbers don’t correspond to IQ.

As Head Bitch starts giving orders, Claire saunters up and offers to do her biology homework for a week in exchange for some private talk time. Debbie can’t resist the notion of having more time to blow the entire football team and agrees to five minutes. Claire asks for another chance at making the squad, and Debbie (acting considerably more wasted) slurs that it’s the American Dream to better one’s status at school. Actually, it’s to get rich quick without breaking a nail, but sure, whatever you say.

Claire gives Debbie one last chance to redeem herself, but Debbie’s too busy sucking the bottle dry. A masked Emotard “attacks” Claire, who “struggles” as he flies away with her, letting her free-fall onto the steps of the school like a rag doll. Debbie freaks out. She’s convinced Claire is dead, but is too drunk to elude Emotard’s greasy clutches. Up, up, and away!

“Good thing I have some Shout wipes in my pocket.”

A rent-a-cop interviews Debbie about the Flying Masked Tard Incident, as the squad watches. As Debbie raves on and on about Claire being dropped and bloodstains everywhere, Claire casually walks up, in a Juicy Couture terry cloth hoodie. Claire pulls out the innocent puppy-dog eyes, playing it off as though nothing happened — casting major doubt on Debbie, who’s wet her spankies. Someone’s gonna meet the Breathalyzer! Hopefully, Debbie’s parents have good insurance that can cover some rehab and years of therapy. Could be worse, she could’ve gotten a free lobotomy like Jackie.

Question: Why the hell would you drink on school property at night? Also, at a ritzy school like this, there have got to be security cameras. I’m expecting too much realism, I know. In the end, Debbie is suspended from cheerleading for blowing a .13, does Dallas, and Claire gets her open spot on the squad. Emotard is thrilled by the success of their stunt, while Claire expresses a bit of remorse – welcome to the Dark Side, baby. Worst. Plotline. Ever.

“Cheerleaders are not dancers who have gone retarded!”

The Company, New York

Summoning her inner Shannon Miller (too obvious to say Dominique Dawes, don’t you think?), Monica performs a balance beam routine in sync with the TV. It’s too bad she can’t just watch Nathan fly and replicate his power. Mohinder observes her, pleased. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t signed a release form. Isn’t Nana Uhura worried? Mohinder tells her she’s got “adoptive muscle memory” which sounds clinically lame. Monica should trust her gut instinct, which is “Don’t trust white people” and get the hell out of there.

Taking downward-facing dog to new levels.

Mohinder reports that Monica can replicate any action. Bob asks Mohinder to inject Monica with an ability-blocking variant of the Shanti virus. Mohinder catches a glimpse of a file titled “Adam Monroe” and flips out, arguing that it could create an uncurable strain, cross over, and produce Britney Spears’ next three albums. Insisting this is for the greater good and pulling Machiavelli out of his ass, Bob says that some abilities must be stopped at all costs. Why would that include Monica’s? It’s not like she’s oozing mascara every two seconds and killing people. Girl just wants to manage a Burger Bonanza, yo.

Mohinder’s conflicted about the lack of consent forms, and calls Bennet immediately. Molly is still passed out like a frat boy after a rousing game of Edward Fortyhands. “I never agreed to experiment on people,” he whines, and Bennet tells him to sack up for the greater good, i.e. taking down The Company. Mohinder’s job and life are at stake, as is Molly’s. Might I point out how incredibly stupid it is to make phone calls inside The Company you are trying to take down? Don’t you think they have recording devices everywhere on the premises? Amateur.

Resolving that he’s doing it for the greater good, Mohinder preps Monica for her anti-power shot. She’s all, “nuh uh, I don’t do needles” but Mohinder tells her it’s the last phase of testing before she gets to go home, lying that it’s to see if her abilities improve. He doesn’t even offer her a lollipop for being brave. Predictably, Mohinder reverts to being a pussy and chickens out- he confronts Bob and refuses to go through with the plan, flinging a stool into the fridge full of the virus. Guess someone grew a pair – Mohinder naively declares that he won’t continue with the research and is leaving with Molly. Right. Bob’s expression is priceless:

Mohinder tenderly kisses Molly on the forehead when he really should be swooping her up and getting the eff out of The Company. Bob wants a word, and says he owes Mohinder an apology, saying he’s been with the group for 30 years and isn’t proud of everything he’s done. Yawn, heard it all before. He says he’s dealing with someone who’s a real danger to them, and he overstepped their bounds in the desire to keep Adam Monroe in line. Bob “offers” Mohinder someone who can ensure there’s no further misunderstanding, and Mohinder has no choice but to accept. Unfortunately, Mohinder’s new partner is Niki, who has joined the Company. If The Company’s rid Niki of Jessica, how is Niki supposed to beat up people and protect Mohinder while on assignment? Tasers!

Back in New Orleans, Bob returns Monica to the house with trippy purple wallpaper, and gives her the cover story of Burger Bonanza training at corporate. Guess it must be Management Training Month in the US or something. He gives her The Company directory of helpful phone numbers and hands her a “fully loaded” black video iPod so she can keep training her muscles and pick up new skills. Seriously, don’t tell me that color choice is not intentional, we already had the African-America girl with the chocolate cupcake shoved in her face earlier. “You’re like my own personal Oprah,” says Monica, whose distrust of white people seems to be fading. Bob tells her to save N’awlins, and seems slightly nicer – what’s going on?

Odessa, Ukraine

On a recycled set from “Anna Karenina,” a woman bundles up her blonde grandson, who looks like a slavic Naruto (ten points if you get this anime reference). She kisses her husband goodbye for the last time without knowing it, because Bennet and The Haitian are paying the guy, whose name is Ivan, a little visit. And by visit I mean slap, restrain, knock around and threaten. Bennet was Ivan’s protégé at The Company. Ukrainian is the only official language of the country, but it’s probably cheaper if Bennet and Ivan speak in Russian.

Bennet starts questioning a tied-up Ivan about Isaac’s paintings, the series of 8 – he’s not taking any crap from Ivan, who claims he’s retired. Ivan dilly-dallies, hedging that Bennet won’t go through with his plan, pulling the “I made you who you are!” card, and insisting that old people be given respect. Bennet adjusts his glasses and hardens his resolve to get the information about the paintings. He also points out that old people without memories should kill themselves, because they are generally useless and run people over at farmer’s markets. The Haitian mindsweeps Ivan of memories involving his wife Katarina.

In Soviet Russia, memories forget you!

The interrogation is interrupted by a call from Claire, who needs to borrow the car for some “cheerleading” stuff. Seriously, the phone reception is insane – he didn’t even need an international calling card for this. Claire and Bennet start swapping major lies about their plans – Bennet fibs that he’s at Copy Kingdom management training in Tulsa. Bennet tries to get Ivan’s empathy by asking about the daughter Ivan never mentioned, one that died (virus victim? bad caviar?), implying that they’ll take his memories of the daughter if he doesn’t fess up. “Take the daughter” is the new “Take the cannoli.”

Ivan reveals the paintings are in the warehouse near the train yard where they tagged the liquid man (ANOTHER hero?) and offers Bennet and his family a chance to stop hiding. He pleads with Bennet, doing everything short of serenading him with the Jackson 5′s “I Want You Back.” Bennet considers it for half a second, but decides it’s better just to find out where the paintings are and not leave any incriminating evidence like traces of mind-sweeping. He takes a cue from The Phantom of the Opera’s “The Point of No Return” song and then shoots Ivan in the head, making it look like a burglary/homicide. Badass.

Outside Parcela Delgada, Mexico, or nowhere near the U.S. Border

On the endless drive to the border, Sylar and the twins are still sweating in the Nissan Rogue. Again, I wonder how can the AC on a brand-new car can be so busted, the windows are rolled up and they’re not hotboxing their way towards America. This road trip is crap, they don’t even have any snacks. Alejandro is passed out in the back while Sylar salivates over Maya’s powers, showing off the goods in a black tank top. They have a heart-to-heart, which consists mostly of Sylar proclaiming, “I wanna be special! I wanna be special!” He’s an unshaven Veruca Salt, the greedy bastard. Sylar attempts the yawn and reach on Maya (who’s driving, by the way) but then Maya’s chastity belt starts beeping, waking a fiercely protective Alejandro.

What? It’s my power animal, guys.

Despite the language barrier, Alejandro is not oblivious to Sylar’s tone and body language, and wants to dump the third wheel at the next gas station. Which should be clearly indicated on the navigation system or something, along with the US border fence. Maya’s an idiot and says that God delivered Gabriel to him in the form of an angel. That’s cool, if you want an angel of death sitting shotgun in your car. She also informs Sylar that Alejandro wanted to get rid of him, as if that will make the trek less awkward. In case you’re wondering, Maya was voted “Most loyal” at her Honduran high school.

Finally, on the never-ending Mexican road, there’s a hole in the border fence. Well, if people are still living in trailers in New Orleans, do you think there’s money to repair a fence? Maya just drives through and almost makes it across a ghetto-looking bridge when they’re stopped…

by Larry the Cable Guy and extras from “Delta Farce.”

The Citizen’s Border Patrol is comprised of every moonshine-swilling redneck stereotype you can imagine. Sylar reassures Maya that they’re fake cops as she starts hyperventilating – why in God’s name is she driving — and he slaps away Alejandro’s hand as Maya starts letting that deadly mascara run. He encourages her to use her powers and the stupid girl complies. Is it too late to turn around on the yellow brick road to ask for a brain? The hick border patrol start humping the Rogue in an attempt to intimidate its passengers, and waving their guns around. I’ve never seen this tactic before. Maya refuses Alejandro’s hand as well (burn!) and lets the cowboys and hicks die. Sylar starts to pass out as well, but croaks “Drive” before slumping over.

Nighttime falls (I bet it’s filmed in the same place as Hiroland), Sylar and Alejandro duke it out, as Maya tries to break up the fight. Alejandro’s pissed at his weaker half for allowing those people to die. Defending her actions, she puts herself squarely on Team Sylar. All I want for Christmas is for her character to get killed off-screen (and for Niki to have amnesia and disappear). Alejandro gives her an ultimatum, forcing her to choose between Sylar and him, but Maya is still on her God/Gabriel the angel/Salvation in Suresh kick. What is this, a telenovela? He warns his sister the next time her eyes start leaking, his hand won’t be there, and he’ll let Gabriel die. I assume that Sylar wasn’t able to protect himself from her death spell, but had to be revived with the help of Alejandro. Or maybe he’s becoming increasingly resistant, like a cockroach.

Visibility: shitty.

Maya, concerned for her new boyfriend, goes to the trunk of the Rogue to find something for his lip – knowing Claire, there’s probably lots of lipgloss in the glove compartment. Sylar takes advantage of Alejandro’s “no hablo ingles” and tells him to his face that he’ll kill the two of them and take their powers as soon as he can, or at least keep Maya as a shiny new toy. That could be the opening line of the creepiest porno/horror film ever, bow chicka bow wow.

Hiroland, 1671

Do you think the hills where “Japan” scenes were filmed burned down last week? Hiro’s scrolls reveal plans to attack White Beard’s army at night, and an attempt to save the swordsmith. Hiro attempts to get Yaeko to reconsider her plan to fight – she’s putting the finishing touches on a scroll.

Evidently, Magic Paint With Water books were available in feudal Japan.

Kensei and crew are on the fringes of White Beard’s camp, and Kensei heads off to the smoldering tent to fetch the swordsman. When a guard penetrates Kensei with his sword (that’s what she said!), Kensei grunts like he’s constipated. The trio rescue the swordsmith, who is surprised Kensei sobered up. Things get complicated when the Swordsmith reveals that White Beard has built up an arsenal of guns. Lots of ‘em. Apparently, the swordsmith knew how to built guns, and gave up the goods to the enemy. The way of the Samurai and the sword is coming to an end! NRA-card carrying White Beard plans to overthrow the Emperor, blah blah blah…oh, and the sun is coming up real fast (or they can’t afford to wait to resume filming the next night, so they keep rolling).

Kensei does his sword thing, slashing through guards, but one of White Beard’s men busts out his right to bear arms, aiming for Yaeko and Hiro. Hiro teleports them to safety and she starts freaking out. Did he not mention this power to her? She puts those MENSA skills to use and finally figures out that Hiro has been masquerading as Kensei. For a country that invents Sudoku, she is not the brightest crayon in the box. However, she does use the word “brigands” so she probably plays Scrabble. She is also surprisingly brazen, asking Hiro, “Do you love me?” Of course he says yes, it’s puppy love after all. Yaeko swoons over Hiro’s gentleness and amazing deeds, relieved that she won’t have to persuade her dad to accept a crazy white guy into the family.

Except the well-endowed part.

She leans in expectantly, and Hiro panics, freezing time. He considers the space/time continuum for about a millisecond but kisses her anyway (this is where the scroll ends, and Ando and his scientist friend are disappointed because it sounds like Hiro’s about to get some booty). So answer me this: How does Kensei catch them kissing if he had to fight an entire army?

Hiro finds Kensei on top of a hill, poking at the remains of a fire. Kensei confronts Hiro and accuses him of betraying him, similar to Spencer Pratt calling out Brody Jenner (but way more justified). It’s totally the feudal version of “The Hills.” Hiro says he accidentally fell in love with Yaeko. Kensei waxes poetically about being cut with the deeper blade of emotional betrayal and Hiro tries to apologize. Things appear resolved, but then Kensei knocks out Hiro (for the umpteenth time) and hands over Yaeko and her father to White Beard. Kensei is offered anything he desires, and Hiro fractured the time/space continuum with that one kiss.

You don’t like the Superman?

In the Warehouse

“Hug it out, bitch!”

Bennet discovers the rest of the 8 paintings, which include a hand holding a vial (which probably contains a strain of the virus). a panicked blonde knocking on a window (Elle? Niki?), Hiro fighting Kensei (6/8), and a battered-looking Mohinder brandishing a smoking gun (7/8). The last of the series is Bennet lying dead on the ground, so this is not good news for the Mohinder/Bennet BFF relationship. From a distance, one of the other paintings also appears to be Claire when she “died” on the steps of the high school after Emotard dropped her. Well, history can be changed.

Montreal, Canada

Peter unrolls his canvas in front of a building with the Heroes symbol on it, seeing it match exactly – it’s super-meta. Do Canadians not lock their doors? He easily enters with Caitlin and they start poking around. It looks like a musty antique shop – but wait, on a mirror is a tag with “Peter” scrawled on it. I love scavenger hunts! The note reads: “We were right about The Company. The world is in danger. Friend me on Facebook. Adam. P.S. Stop acting retarded.”

They wouldn’t name two characters Adam, would they? It’s gotta be Monroe, or the original sin one. Something tells me Peter is about to do some time-traveling. Caitlin hugs him and they end up in a desolate New York – at least it’s not on fire, but it sure is full of trash and bodybags. They find a biohazard evacuation order for June 14, 2008 – next week’s previews reveal that 93% of the world’s population is dead, evil has taken over, and not even Al Gore can prevent this with a PowerPoint presentation (fyi, he actually used the Mac version, Keynote). Seriously, New York is in danger, again? Do I care? Not really.

Great, we can finally get tickets for Wicked!

There you have it. Is Kensei Papa Petrelli? Does he kill Kaito? Is Adam Monroe outside the group of 12? Raise your hand if you’d rather watch a cat get an enema.