This week on Heroes, I pray for Hiro to jump off a building.
Start with season 2 and work your way forward, buddy. We’ll wait.
Copyhacker is away on vacation at Disneyworld with his family this week, which leaves me back in the Heroes driver’s seat. YAY!!
Today’s episode is called “Acceptance”, which is the final stage of grieving. The first is Denial. As in season 2. Surely this show didn’t start to suck. It was the best show on TV last year! Maybe I’m just missing something.
Step 2: Anger: End of season 2. So basically this show does suck now. Have they run out of movies to steal from or what? THIS SUCKS ASS! Cut to me waiting in the Whole Foods parking lot for Tim Kring to show up so I can egg his car.
Step 3: Bargaining: Season 3: Please please please God give me my great show back! I’ll lose twenty pounds! I’ll stop riding people’s asses and cursing in traffic! I’ll stop resenting my niece cuz she’s cuter than me!! Well, I didn’t keep my end of the deal on any of those things, so I take personal responsibility for the suckage that was season 3.
Step 4: Depression: This set in during the season premiere of 4. Two hours to get through Sylar being turned into Nathan! THIS IS GONNA BE AMAZING! … No. Depressed. Of course, Sylar can’t be too happy being stuck inside Matt Parkman so this stage was not just just reserved for the audience.
Step 5: Acceptance. Ok you know what? I’m at like half a page and haven’t even started the recap. SO….I just need to get the hell over it and accept the fact that this show will never be as good as it promised it would be and GET OVER IT. I still record it every week. I still have as much fun today cursing Kring as I did during seasons 2 and 3. Grief over. I am publicly letting it go and I’m making a vow to just enjoy this bs for what it is. A chance to study some really, really bad acting. Thank you for your time.
We open with a full tub. And there’s no one in it! Tracy starts dripping out and fully forms herself out of water. Wowee! Man she’s hot. I wonder if they would still have this half naked scene if the chick from Drop Dead Diva was playing Tracy. She could form herself out of, like, ketchup or something. But why would there be ketchup in a tub? That wouldn’t make sense at all! I wonder what Tracy would look like if she was filtered through a Brita before re-forming. We’ve just begun and already my head is spinning.
There’s some cheesy song about a “bad body double” playing as Tracy, reinvigorated and ready to reclaim her life as a government slut cake, brushes her hair and tries to pick just the right dress to impress. Wanna be taken seriously in politics? Shop at Forever 21.
Don’t be surprised if you see Valerie Jarrett show up to a conference with world leaders wearing this little number.
Once Tracy’s done dressing like a Pussycat Doll and applying her apple lip smacker, she’s off to a very important restaurant where all the Washington movers and shakers go. No, not In and Out. They have our money to spend, you think these assholes are gonna get a value meal? All the guys are staring at her. She assumes it’s cuz she looks super sexy, but they’re probably wondering how many times she needs to get killed off before it sticks.
You’re still on this show? Dang, sister, there are thousands of bad actors in Hwood! Give someone else a chance at never being nominated for an Emmy!
She’s there to meet up with Governor Skeeze, who she was working for, on, and in before she became an ice queen. He’s predictably excited to see her. At least that’s what I think the growling and lip licking is about.
Hiro’s office building. Hiro’s bitch sister doesn’t want them to fight anymore. It’s time to get along now, since they’re the only two left in their family. She’s buttering him up cuz since he went back in time and stopped Ando from spilling a milkshake on her, she’s decided to marry Ando and have his dolt babies and she wants Hiro to give her away and sing At Last at the wedding and lie down on the piano and give a drunken speech that will embarrass everyone they know. Sorry, that was my sister’s wedding. And she never actually asked for all that, but I did it anyway. Ah, family.
In all these years, he’s never spilled anything on me! So I’m gonna marry him! YAY cleanliness!
Hiro hugs her and says yes, of course. Ando sees all this and gets annoyed that Hiro said yes, cuz after all, Hiro’s dying and who knows when or of what and if he dies like a week before the wedding, there won’t be enough time to train someone to give away Bitch Sister. Everything has to be just right, cuz one thing Bitch Sister is good at? Holding a grudge.
Ando just keeps looping “dude you’re dying. Did you know you’re dying? You’re so dead” over and over again. Jesus Ando! He gets it! Hiro decides to ignore him and work on his bucket list. LOL. I hope “meet Danny Glover and talk him into joining this cast before the show is cancelled” is on there. Ando’s response? “But you’re so dying and gonna soon be dead as a doornail dead dying dead dead.”
The dial a hero line rings. It’s Liza. She lost her upper register and needs help finding it. Please hold, Liza, there’s another call coming through. It’s some guy called Tadashi and he’s on the roof of this very building and he’s gonna jump!! First off, we’re gonna call him Tad, k? Cuz this? IS AMERICA. You think my Lebanese name is Flipit? No. No it’s not. It’s Flihadintandistan. We all have to adapt. Second, why the hell do people feel the need to let everyone know when they’re gonna kill themselves? I’ve never understood that. Just do it and save me the cell minutes, k?
Hiro gets up to the roof, where Tad is standing at the edge with angry face. Why you gonna kill yourself, buddy? Well, cuz he’s in his thirties and he still can’t grow a real mustache.
I’m sick of people calling me a lesbian!
Also, Tad got fired from his job and brought great shame to his family after xeroxing his ass at a Christmas Party. That’s it? In America we send pics of our asses to get jobs. Wait, you don’t do that? Try it. Totally works. How do you think I’m so WEAAAALTHY!!!?!?!? Anyway, if you’re gonna kill yourself over losing a lame job for copying your stupid ass then just jump. You’re too much of a pussy to live.
Hiro is nicer than me, though, so instead of pushing Tad off the building, he goes back in time to fix his ass copying mistake. Nice way to spend your last days. Aren’t there soup kitchens over there or something?
DESTROYED BY: SAME GUY
In Touch, Star Tribune, and The Sunday Oregonian gave raves? I smell a hit!
Nathan’s office. Mama P enters with a big box of crap to help Nathan remember who he is. No, not Sylar. Nathan! Look! It’s a baseball cap! A tennis racket! An old spooge sock! Nathan’s like uh…thanks. The props don’t help him remember anything, so Mama P hands him a little plastic plane and BOOM! He remembers his uncle giving it to him and oh how he played and played with that plane. Mama says that plane made him want to be a fighter pilot. Well thank goodness Uncle didn’t buy him a Cats Original Cast Recording, cuz his life would have turned out way differently.
He picks up the baseball cap and has a flashback to being at some fancy mansion pool when Syd gets killed on Melrose Place!
You killed Syd! You bastard!
This freaks him out, obvs, but he doesn’t tell his mommy why. Instead, he asks her to set a series recording of Melrose Place on his DVR. Boy is he gonna be disappointed.
Fancy Politician Restaurant Not In and Out. Governor Skeeze asks Tracy where the f she’s been, and she says that she was going through some really traumatic family stuff. He’s like yeah oh wah sad show me a boobie. She’s ready to get back to work and he’s got just the job for her! She can cock tease some regulators that are standing in the way of a very important skeezy and illegal government project. She’s like yay I knew this dress would get him to take me seriously. I’m a whore again! POP THE CHAMPAGNE!! He wants to meet later so he can get her to ride his face like an electric bull caught up on the details.
Pathetic Single Guy Apt. HRG sits in his sad place looking over the divorce papers his Pirate Wife sent over. Poor thing. Her I mean. She got so much Botox that one of her eyes completely shut and she got shitcanned. Is that story fact checked? No, no it’s not. But I’m sticking with it.
There’s a knock at the door and it’s Peter. He wants to show off his new compass tattoo but it’s not showing anymore. HRG’s like oh great now let’s go on a wacky road trip to figure this deep important mystery out whoopee god I’m bored. Peter’s like k bye now! and on his way out runs into Claire and says hi bye ggo love ya. Most pointless scene ever? Oh wait here’s another Hiro scene to compete for that title.
Hiro’s office. Hiro comes back from the past to see if he fixed Tad’s ass copy problem. We’re only fifteen minutes in so I highly doubt it. Ando’s all “who’s Tad? You’re dying dude!” The dial a hero phone rings and it’s Tad. He’s gonna kill himself. Hiro runs up to the roof, happy that this is all conveniently taking place on top of his office building so he doesn’t have to waste cab fare trying to save this douche bag. Hiro stopped Tad from copying his ass at the holiday party, but Tad just did it at another office party and got fired anyway. Then he jumps. Guess what Hiro does? GOES BACK IN TIME! Repeating the same actions over and over and expecting a different result is called insanity. Anyone in the audience who’s watched every episode of this show relating?
Hospital. Nathan comes to see Peter cuz Peter won’t return his calls. He’s got a all these new powers and he doesn’t know where they’re coming from. One of them is being able to touch objects and see where they’ve been. Peter hides the string of balls on his desk defensively. Nathan tells him about seeing his dead ex girlfriend when he touched the baseball cap. But she supposedly ran away to Paris and broke his heart! If she’s dead that means someone might have killed her and Nathan was the last one to see her! You know what would be an awesome idea? To go and tell the dead girl’s mom that Nathan was the last one to see her and probably killed her. Wow. Why would ANYONE ask for Peter’s shitty advice? It’s worse than his acting, and that’s saying something.
Anger? Empathy? Depression? Happiness? WHO KNOWS? Just keep working out.
Sad Bachelor Apt. Claire is worried about her dad cuz he’s sitting around in his boxers eating takeout and needs to focus on getting a job. I agree. FF.
Swoozie Kurtz’ house. The dead girlfriend’s mom is Swoozie! HOLLER! I love this woman. Nathan tells her he’s been thinking about her daughter and she says they should get wasted together. She grabs a bottle of Jack and they get to reminiscing. Swoozie hasn’t heard from her ungrateful little bitch of a daughter who ran away and never so much as sent a postcard. Swooz says that she always suspected Nathan of killing her kid, but she got a PI who proved that the kid bought a plane ticket to London and even picked up her checked baggage at the airport. She’s very blasÃ© with all this. Thought you killed my kid let’s drink. I hope Swooz has a power so she can stay.
She’s off to get a body sculpting class, leaving Nathan alone to put his hands on a statue. Flashback! He gets little Swooz wasted and she dives off the diving board and hits her head on the side of the pool. Dead. Don’t drink and dive. Sorry but I had to.
Bar. Mama P finds Nathan drowning a girl, I mean his sorrows. She is annoyed that he went over to Swoozie’s and drudged up old news. He asks her flat out what she did to make him forget that night, cuz “every time there’s a secret buried someplace I find you with a shovel behind your back.” HA. She snaps back “you should write mother’s day cards.” Teehee. She admits to “taking care of it” cuz he was young and drunk and she didn’t want her death to ruin his life. That’s love right there. She tells him not to be a pussy and then leaves him with the tab. God I want to be a mom so bad.
When your balls finally drop and you’re ready to be president let me know. And don’t forget to pick up my dry cleaning. Love ya mean it call me voicemail kisses.
Nathan, being the brainiac he is, runs right over to Swoozie’s house and interrupts her afternoon Oprah and Stolie binge. He admits to knowing her kid is dead. He doesn’t say how she died and she doesn’t ask. He adds that it was covered up by his moth…family. Nice save! Maybe she’ll think you were gonna say moth balls. She cries and kicks him out of her house. Weird how Nathan’s death was so unexpected last season and now Kring is trying to get us to root actively for it to happen again. Well played.
Sad Bachelor Pad. Claire is still trying to teach her dad how to get through a job interview. He’s sad cuz his life has amounted to nothing. She gives him a pep talk andzzzzzzzzz FF.
Hiro’s office. Hiro comes back from the past yet again. Ando is still looping “dead dead you’re dead dead dead” over and over. Hiro has tried as hard as he can but he just can’t get Tad to keep his pants on around xerox machines. The dial a hero phone rings and we get to watch this shit scene AGAIN. This time, Hiro has realized that the tool will keep making the same mistake, so instead of solving all of this with time travel, he tells the guy to find a better job and shakes his hand. See? Sometimes the most powerful gift is the gift of HUMANITY!! AWWWW! So when’s this mysterious disease killing Hiro? Cuz seriouslly? I can’t sit through many more of his storylines.
Oh good you’re back. I was just about to leave a memo on your desk. It says “YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIIEEEEE mothatrucka!”
Hiro decides to finally tell Bitch Sister about his mystery too lazy to come up with a real disease disease. He’s gonna….die. She looks like she might cry, but then she starts running around in circles cheering “ariagato!” cuz this means he won’t be able to squander much more of their fortune on retarded business ideas like dial a hero.
Hiro gets some head pain. Bitch Sister suggests masturbation as a healthy cure, but he ignores her and disappears. She’s shocked! She asks Ando for an explanation, but he’s reached his twenty line allowance for the week and since “you’re gonna die” is all tapped out she’ll have to rent the first three seasons on Netflixisan.
Restaurant Under Sad Bachelor Pad. Tracy comes to visit HRG. Why? Who knows? She tells him she got her old job back but she really wants to help people. LOL. Well, I’m sure you can find some good to do with the whole global warming thing going on. Maybe she can go create some ice caps so that polar bear we always see on commercials to make us feel guilty won’t have to float around on that tiny block of ice anymore. She would have to wear way too many clothes over there, though, so that’s out. His advice? “Maybe you have to remember who you were to remember who you wanna be.” Kring has run out of movies to steal from, so now he’s ripping off Deepak books. Can’t blame a man for seeking new frontiers.
Tracy goes to see Governor Skeeze, and this time she’s dressed to be taken seriously, dammit!
Serious women all have necklines to the belly button.
To cement her newfound serious image, she orders a cosmo. OK so you’re dressed like Samantha and you’re ordering her drink. Do a backbend onto the edge of Gov’s penis and you’ll be given an honorary degree from Harvard. Governor Skeeze, obvs, is growling and licking his lips. Tracy says that she wants to come back to work to help people. He’s like great help my penis get hard for more than thirty seconds before my testicles turn to jelly. She’s all no, silly. I don’t want to help penises, I want to help, like, starving kids and shit. He lols and asks to see a boob. This upsets her, cuz she’s totally serious now you guys. She excuses herself and goes to the ladies room.
She stands in front of the mirror and tries to cry. She tries really really hard. Come on! Meisner! No? Ok then just melt. Her hands turn into water and start going down the drain. LOL. A lady comes in and Tracy hides her hands behind her back, which means she’s putting them right in front of the mirror. LLOLLL this show really knows how to top itself in the stupidity dept sometimes. The lady scared her, which made her stop crying, which made her hands come back. And now it’s official. Ali Larter will never have to suffer through another crying scene again. Whew. I was worried for her.
She goes back to the table and tells Skeeze that she’s outta there. He doesn’t get it, so she looks him straight in the eye and says “the shoes on my feet
I’ve bought it
The clothes I’m wearing
I’ve bought it
The rock I’m rockin’
I’ve bought it
‘Cause I depend on me”
Then she leaves, all proud and stuff. Cut to Nathan in a parking garage calling “someone in the homicide department.” He chickens out and hangs up. When he gets out of his car, a dude in black stabs him in the neck. Dead again!! Poor Adrian Pasdar. Well, at least he’ll have more time to spend with Natalie Maines. Ouch. Not helping, am I?
Carnieville. The lady with the tattoo back talks to a fauxhawked thug. He doesn’t like all the new people in the family and Joseph wouldn’t be doing it if he were alive. Head carny slithers around the corner and says he’s the boss now so suck it. Fauxhawk keeps his mouth shut, and then throws a knife at a wall when Head Carny leaves.
Tattoo insists that she wasn’t trying to piss him off by talking to Fauxhawk, and then she shows him a tattoo of HRG. This freaks Carny out cuz he thought they were safe from the threat of HRG….who’s sitting back at his sad bachelor pad looking over old news stories about “the compass that changed the world.” It’s called the Tom Tom.
Swoozie is having dinner with Mama P, telling her all about Nathan’s wild and crazy stories about her dead kid. He must be sooo confused! The two women laugh it off and talk about how silly and confused Nathan is. Meanwhile, he’s getting buried in the desert and shot another few times. Don’t. Fuck. With Swoozie.
Nathan, of course, heals. When he pops his hand out of the ground, we see that it’s…bumbumbummmmm….SYLAR!! Darn. We lost Nathan, and Parkman lost the only thing that made his story watchable. Next week, Claire gets kiss raped by a girl!! I would say that I won’t be watching, but we all know that’s a lie.