Previously on Heroes: Takezo Kensei turned out to be an alcoholic white guy, Mohinder and Bennet exchange BFF secret decoder rings, Hiro’s dad tries basejumping and fails, West the Emotard stalks Claire like Jason Schwartzman in “Slackers”, Parkman gets a foil-covered chocolate badge, Bennet wins a one-sided game of thumb war and makes calendars at Copy Kingdom, the Honduran Double Trouble Twins hijack the illegal immigrant truck full of dead people, and shirtless Peter Petrelli has a severe case of static cling in Ireland. Oh, and Claire gets a car as an early birthday present — but it’s not a Range Rover.
This week’s episode title appears to be a tribute to Jack Hanna’s Animal Adventures and his love of reptiles…and eggs.
This is your brain on drugs.
Wandering Rocks Pub, Cork, Ireland
Peter is awakened by a cold shower as the mercenaries tenderize him with their fists, hoping to find out where Peter allegedly stashed the Ay-pods. Is this a remake of the Pulp Fiction basement scene? The Irish Spring gang assures him if he tells them where the shipment is, he’ll be free to go. “As square a deal as you’re lucky to find,” says their ringleader, Ricky.
“A Square Deal? You’re familiar with Teddy Roosevelt’s domestic policies?”
Peter, of course, has no clue what an iPod is. He doesn’t even know who he is. Perhaps these guys have poor reasoning, but if someone was going to steal a whole shipping crate worth of Steve Job’s toys, wouldn’t they also move themselves to a safer place? How can someone even chain themselves to the box in the first place? The men resume beating the living shit out of Peter.
Casa de Bennet-Butler
Recreating a scene from “Jackass 2,” Claire plunges her hand into a pot of boiling water (+ 1 gross looking egg) in order to fish out her mom’s wedding ring. “We do have a colander, Claire, no need to be flashy,” Mama Bennet admonishes her. Hee. So I guess all the Bennets still have their memories intact, despite last season’s “Wife Swap” scene with Candace pretending to be Sandra.
After this, we’ll try bobbing for apples in hydrochloric acid.
Claire needs to get a hobby if she’s this bored, because retardation is slowly setting in — c’mon, holding your hand over the Bunsen Burner flame in class? Nearly getting mowed down by West the Emotard’s ugly car? There are better ways to injure yourself — like putting yourself through a woodchipper! Or taking a dip in liquid nitrogen and flinging yourself off the Empire State Building! Better yet, volunteer to be a test dummy for the guys on “Mythbusters.”
Bennet enters the kitchen, reminding Claire to lay low and be invisible. If they want her to be nobody in public school, why don’t they just homeschool her? That usually does the trick.
“I can’t even be myself at home, it’s bad enough that I have to be all fake at school,” Claire complains. “High school doesn’t work like that, you lay low and you get noticed more than anyone. They have metal detectors for people who lie too low.”
Actually, those “people” usually exhibit super-anti social, psychotic behavior and a lack of hygiene, which isn’t a trademark of laying low. Claire just really needs to dye her hair a mousy brown and throw on some glasses — and invest in some California-themed clothes from Hollister.
“But we got your own car,” says Bennet. “I can’t not be what I am, whatever that is,” replies Claire. Bennet goes on to say that his job is keeping the family safe, and that he hates his stupid Copy Kingdom shirt. He doesn’t mention that he’s lying about laying low himself. Claire takes off for school in her Nissan Rogue (TM), and we see that the Bennets live in a cookie cutter gated community cluster.
A one-income family can afford a lot more during this housing market crisis.
Smart move, Bennet. My cousins live in a gated community in Orange County, and their house is indistinguishable from the others. It’s totally a layer of added security/anonymity. I always thought it’d be a bitch to go trick-or-treating in that kind of neighborhood, because I’d never be able to find my own house at the end of the night. You’d have to pull a Hansel & Gretel to get home.
Back in the Bennet house, Sandra shows her husband the newspaper, which features the headline “Yamagato C.E.O. Dead at Age 70.” They must subscribe to The New York Times or something, because they’re in California. However, the article begins by talking about some executive being shot to death, and repeats the line “In addition to a $5,000 fine…” twice.
This has to be USA Today.
Bennet’s not surprised, since he knew Kaito was going to die. And how did he know? Mama Bennet reminds him that there are to be no more secrets between them, and he agrees. Looks like he received one of Isaac’s never-before-seen paintings, and he unfurls it on their living room table. He tells her it’s one out of eight in a series. It matches the newspaper photo of Kaito sprawled out on the concrete (which would never be run in a newspaper), and Bennet vows to find the remaining paintings and destroy Voldemort, once and for all. With seven remaining heroes from the older generation, that’s one future death painting for each one. The eighth member is the killer. Good thing you don’t need calculus for this kind of math.
Rooftop of Deveaux and Death
Parkman contemplates his existence behind the yellow police tape as his new boss, Detective Fuller (named after former Heroes writer Bryan Fuller), yells at him to do his job and investigate Kaito’s murder. “He fell out of the sky off of Central Park West, and this is his body. Does this look familiar?” asks the boss, showing Parkman the scrap of Kaito’s photo with the heroes symbol on it. He also asks Parkman if he knows anyone who can fly, jokingly. A fingerprint was found on the photo, belonging to Kaito’s BFF Angela Petrelli. Mama Petrelli never should have gone on a shoplifting spree.
Are NYPD detective badges supposed to be worn sideways?
Ando stuck around to be a witness, and reveals that the symbol is kanji, a Japanese character, meaning “great ability, Godsend.” He tells Parkman it’s the crest of Takezo Kensei, the warrior in the stories that Kaito told to Hiro during his childhood. Parkman’s clearly met Hiro before (at least in the future) but is this the first time he’s met Ando? I suppose the band of heroes didn’t have time for a get-to-know-ya potluck after Sylar “died.”
Later, down at the station, Mama Petrelli is brought in for questioning and awesomely screams “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” mentally at Parkman once she realizes he can read her mind. For the brief moment that Parkman can enter her thoughts, he finds out that whoever killed Kaito is doing it for revenge. Enter Nathan the Brawny Paper Towel son, who is here to pick up his Ma. Two seconds later, Mama Petrelli is being pummeled back and forth by an invisible boogeyman in the questioning room, set to ominous flashing lights. Parkman throws a chair through the viewing window, interrupting the attack as he and Nathan rush in. We still don’t know what her abilities are, but let’s hope she displays them before she’s finished off. Mama Petrelli’s face is all cut up, and she’s holding on to her photo with the Heroes symbol (which she says is the logo of her late husband’s business). Parkman starts to figure out what’s going on here…
Rosacea’s a pain in the ass.
Otsu, Japan, or the foothills of Pasadena
Hiro runs through the feudal forest of Fake Plastic Trees and asks a village woman if she’s seen Kensei. Rather, he asks her this:
The gaijin is sitting drunkenly under a tree, so Hiro plunges him headfirst into a trough. “You must be sober!” sounds like “You must be soba!” Like the noodle. Mmm, noodles. You’re supposed to help this woman to be your princess and for you to be a hero, Hiro urges Kensei. “You look like a fish when you talk,” says Kensei. “Like a giant carp.” I was thinking more along the lines of a less puffy/pink version of Kirby from Nintendo. Kensei’s not having it, but what do you expect of a drunk douchebag?
“I already made a mess of the past. The space/time continuum can’t take anymore. History needs Takezo Kensei to be a hero today.” Well, today just happens to be Take Your Hiro to Work Day, so Hiro dons Kensei’s armor and cheap plastic mask and gets all Hi-Yo Silver on the horse. Kensei is the new Tonto.
Hiro saves the day using his squinchy face powers to collect the swords and arrows of the attackers, threatening to strip them down to their birthday suits, and dubs his victory “The Battle of Twelve Swords.” His time/space powers are not required to speak in the third person, however, and he does that with glee. The swordsman’s daughter squeals after he saves her and is instantly smitten. He sweeps her onto the back of the horse and they ride around the Fake Plastic Feudal Forest.
He confesses his big crush on her (“There are things I could not say if you looked on my face”), after they disembark near a group of cherry blossom trees. Totally convincing, blooming sakura in the middle of nowhere, right? Yaeko and/or Princess Iako (according to IMDB) closes her eyes and waits for a kiss that never comes. She thinks Kensei is a white guy, after all, but doesn’t seem to notice how much shorter Hiro is than the white Kensei. Hiro freezes time, takes off his mask and looks longingly at the willing girl who would be his first kiss, and disappears so that Yaeko/Token Asian Female opens them as cherry blossom petals fall gently on her face. Maybe he got a little too excited, if you know what I mean, and had to peace out. Now it looks like a Japanese commercial for Summer’s Eve feminine products.
Ladies, ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?
A bit later (I’ve combined all of Hiro’s snippets of scenes for your reading pleasure), Hiro updates Crazy White Guy Kensei about his heroic antics. And how he totally could’ve gotten into Yaeko/Iako’s kimono. Yaeko runs in to thank Kensei for his bravery and hands him his sword so that they can save the swordsman. ‘Cause he’s the new cheerleader. Hiro assures Kensei that if he does this, he will be greatly rewarded — and tells him to lay off the booze. Crazy White Kensei makes no promises, and steps outside of the Fake Japanese Hut just in time for a shoot-and-run. He takes three arrows in the chest from the samurai gang, and appears to be fading. But no! Crazy White Kensei can regenerate and heals himself, just like Claire and Peter did in this episode. Ugh. Think he’s the predecessor to the Petrelli clan?
What did you learn about not touching murder weapons, Hiro? Apparently zilch.
Costa Verde High, Science Class
Claire is sitting next to Emotard in a lecture on how lizards are capable of cellular regeneration. Rather, he is sitting next to her because he’s a creepy stalker who likes to smell what shampoo she’s using. Claires are also capable of regeneration, but no one knows that except Emotard. Theoretically, we can regenerate parts of the body, but you need stem cells (good luck trying to accomplish that before 2008 ends). According to this teacher, you don’t need an appendix, wisdom teeth or your pinky toes. Crappy pinky toes, you can never really get much nail polish on them anyway. “You mean like people can heal themselves?” pipes up Claire. No, lizards, and raise your hand, replies her teacher. He looks like a stressed out grad student with a molestache and beard. Yes, I said molestache.
“I’ve read that some people might have evolved some different code, is that possible?” asks Claire. Oh smarty pants, everyone knows you shouldn’t ask a kajillion questions in class if you want to lay low or cite anything that wasn’t assigned reading if you don’t want to be a kiss ass. Thanks to you you and everyone else who made Dr. Suresh’s book #1 on Amazon’s list of top-sellers that don’t really exist, it’s bigger than The Da Vinci Chode, as Dan Brown’s novel is known by English teachers and majors. Emotard looks at Claire in admiration/surprise (it’s a scary expression) as the science teacher tells her she’ll need an advanced degree in genetics.
Emotard follows Claire out of class (creeper!) and offers to help her get started on her Ph.D with a book he has. Don’t tell me, it’s by Michael Crichton. “Lizards, huh? I figured you’d be more into whales or something, or unicorns,” he says. He’s being an asshat as usual, but he is really outdoing himself this time as he geeks out about genetics in an attempt to get to first base with Claire.
I just wanted to know if I could touch your boob. Just for a second.
At least he’s not ranting about how the entire genre of indie music is derivative of Pavement.
“I thought guys like you were supposed to sit at the back of the class and hate everything,” Claire remarks. Even she is on to his Emotardedness and his Urban Outfitters apparel! They walk towards the parking lot where, oh crap, someone stole her Nissan Rogue. Maybe it’s a flying car, like the one Ron Weasley’s dad fixed up. So much for that Smart Key technology.
Hartsdale, New York, Roly-Poly’s office
“How’d you like the jet? A lot better than flying coach, huh?” asks Roly-Poly, whose real name is Bob. Mohinder enters a room full of vintage junk and WASP-y artifacts. From the looks of it, The Company is also responsible for producing “Antiques Roadshow” on PBS.
Sorry, I know I’m late for my cello lesson!
Mohinder wants access to the company’s people and their labs. But Bob has an assignment for him, actually, a man in Port-au-Prince. The guy is suffering from tremors, weakness, and fever. It’s clearly the Virus, but the only other two cases were Mohinder’s sister in ’74 and Molly Walker a few months ago. Dun dun dun. Question — Why don’t they just bring the guy in and examine him at The Company’s headquarters instead of pumping more carbon emissions via private jet? Someone’s going to have a lot of frequent flier miles after this. “As of now your blood is the only cure for the virus, try not to get yourself killed.” Then why are you endangering Mohinder on solo assignments without providing any weapons, then? Geez. These people are as slow as lizards.
In Port-au-Prince, Haiti, an area dominated by both the Spanish and the French historically, we learn that Mohinder is a little Francophile. A fluent one. He enters a dingy little room off the street, where we find — who else — The Haitian lying sick and miserable in bed. Evidently, he did not eat enough apples to keep the doctor away, as The Haitian tells Mohinder that God is punishing him and that he just wants to die. He doesn’t want Mohinder’s magical cure. Nuh uh. Death isn’t an option, as Mohinder is all, “I’m gonna play God today and inject you with MY BLOOD! IT’S DISTILLED! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
So you’re saying I didn’t have syphilis?
And as soon as The Haitian is feeling peachy again, he finds out Mohinder is working for The Company and mind-sweeps him. Before you can say, “Au revoir, bitches!” the screen pans across a shot of Mohinder sitting at the desk and The Haitian disappears, replaced by Bob The Builder. Roofies are powerful stuff. Surprisingly, Bob doesn’t give Mohinder too much grief for losing The Haitian, who is likely off to reunite with Bennet. Does that make Mohinder the third wheel now on the BFF tricycle? Awkward.
Coatepeque, Guatemala, 30 km from Mexico
The only other countries besides the US that have not officially adopted the metric system are Liberia and Myanmar.
The Honduran twins show up at the doorstep of Nidia, presumably an old family friend. Like all grown-ups, she gushes about how she last saw them as babies and how they’re all big now. Big and EVIL, Nidia, didn’t you get the memo? Nidia is spry for a middle-aged lady, and is willing to usher them towards the Mexican border towards capitalism, Pinkberry, and Krispy Kreme donuts. She does this on a regular basis, and it’s clear this ain’t your usual Underground Railroad. For one thing, her home is well-lit.
On this particular border crossing, a Healer and her daughter are about to come along for the ride, but quickly back out after the hokey Healer (who appears to have some real sensing abilities) holds Maya’s hands and realizes the girl is damned and full of Satan’s black spawn. Maya is seriously concerned and wants to cross alone, but Alejandro insists they’ll be okay together, guaranteeing something will go seriously wrong.
So that’s why Shaq is getting a divorce.
Nevertheless, Nidia forges ahead with the two. Bad idea. Near the border of Mexico, Maya panics when Alejandro doesn’t make it through the tunnel (that presumably takes them under a river — but it’s a damn short tunnel) with them and the border patrol starts searching in the bushes. Maya insists they have to turn back for Alejandro. Nidia says it’s not a good idea — and Maya turns on the waterworks, only her eyes start oozing black, tarry tears. Girl needs some waterproof mascara, stat!
Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Crap, it’s too late and she did it again. Nidia falls down, dead, with the trademark mascara tracks running down her face. But! Alejandro catches up with Maya and Nida about two seconds after Maya starts panicking and reassures his sister that everything will be all right. He grasps her hands in his and starts to croon a soothing song. It sounds nothing like “The Rainbow Connection.” Just like that, the trail of tears disappears and her eyes clear up. A transfer of power is indicated by their hands glowing, and Alejandro’s eyes cloud over, filling up with black. But then they clear up in a matter of seconds — does he nullify her powers with his or does he actually have to absorb some of the black stuff like secondhand smoke?
Thus, Nidia is brought back to life, thanks to Alejandro’s power of Super Visine. Unfortunately, they don’t have the Haitian around to mind-sweep her, so Nidia predictably shits herself and runs back through the tunnel, abandoning the cursed Double Trouble. We need some serious immigration reform ASAP, or avian flu will be the least of Homeland Security’s worries.
Claire must’ve taken public transportation or gotten Emotard to drive her, because she shows up at Bennet’s workplace and confesses that her car was stolen. “But it’s nothing compared to running for our lives, right?”
Caltech Class of 20013
Bennet ushers her into the backroom and warns her about using her abilities, saying that he wishes he could trust her — but it’s really a matter of brain power and memory if she forgot to lock her car. Seriously, he tells her, her regen abilities would be severely tested and possibly broken if The Company got a hold of her. She protests, saying she wants to help other people who are in need. Perhaps she can help Michael Jackson regrow his nose and face.
Irish pub, Cork, Ireland
Peter’s still tied up, shirtless, in the back room of the mercenaries’ bar. A pretty brunette walks into the room and promptly starts cleaning his injuries, saying she would try a nicer tactic than her brother. Sponge bath! Peter can’t enjoy himself because he can’t remember who he is, but the Irish lass’s name is Caitlin (or Katelynn, or Kaitlin, or Katie-lynn or any number of permutations) and she’s Ricky’s little sis. Doesn’t she look like a younger, hipper version of Roma Downey’s character in Touched By An Angel?
Well, her hair is very lustrous.
Apparently Caitlin’s brother is working a job for a guy named McSorley. Is McSorley one of the remaining Magnificent Seven? They promised delivery today, and Peter has to remember anything in order to save himself. He can only recall what happened after he was discovered in the crate by her brother and his goons. Caitlin doesn’t buy that an electrical spark knocked the thug off his arse, but notices that Peter doesn’t have a mark on him. And then they make out. I wish.
As Caitlin is left to clean up the bar, Peter scrunches up his face and finally harnesses his power, freeing himself from the rope binds. He finds a blue flannel shirt to put on and starts figuring out how to escape through the open window. A few more Irish Spring type goons enter, harassing Caitlin about something. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. She bends over the bar, reaching for a gun, but the Irish Spring goon is too strong for her. Peter can’t stand to see a damsel in distress, plus he liked his sponge bath, so he shoots out some electricity and flings a thug against the wall.
I think I’m the Brawny paper towel guy.
Oops, turns out one of those guys was McSorley’s son — Ricky comes back and yells at Peter for turning the money troubles into a blood feud. However, Ricky’s impressed with Peter’s brawling skills and says he’ll let Peter go and give him a box containing his “identity” if he helps out with some thuggery/thieving/pillaging. Ricky threatens to burn the box, holding it over the fireplace, if Peter doesn’t agree. Um, Peter? You have powers. Use them and get the fuck out of Ireland.
Step 1: Cut a hole in the box.
Two Men and a Little Lady’s Apartment
Mohinder comes back from his Haitian vacation to a sleeping Parkman and Molly. It’s a touching little domestic scene, like a more racially diverse Two and a Half Men.
Where’s Tom Selleck when you need him?
Back to business, though, no time to spoon with Parkman as Mohinder receives a call from BFF Bennet. When asked if everything went according to plan, Mohinder replies that Bennet should have his answer very soon — that would be The Haitian popping up at Copy Kingdom for some gummy bears and a personalized calendar. Bennet shakes his hand (what, no man hug?) and the two former partners are reunited. And it feels so good.
Casa de Malcontent
Damn you, Mr. Winkle!
Mr. Muggles (who looks different than he did in last week’s episode, is that a body double?) reminisces about his glory days on the doggie pageant circuit as Claire paints her toenails and watches the video with him. In between reading pages of her biology book, she looks at the sewing scissors and decides it’s a good idea to get rid of unnecessary body parts. Starting with her pinky toe. Those scissors must be made of titanium, or she must have jellybones. Anyone know that song by The Unicorns?
The pinky snaps off neatly, and let’s hope Mr. Muggles doesn’t mistake it for a doggie treat. Claire waits a bit, holding her breath, as her toe regrows itself with surprising speed but sans nail polish. Regnerative powers are awesome only when you’re not intentionally hurting yourself, Clairetard. You really should take up kickboxing or something.
“You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don’t wanna know about it. Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon… with nail polish. These fucking amateurs…”
Of course, who should be watching her amputate a useless limb but Emotard. Do you think his flying power comes equipped with Google Maps and a GPS system to stalk Claire? Sure seems like it. Mr. Muggle senses the creeper and starts yelping as Claire looks up and runs outside…to an empty driveway, save a copy of Chandra Suresh’s bestselling book. Here’s Chandra Suresh’s real-life doppelganger twin, Suresh R. Chandra, MD. Twinkle Toes sure is fast at flying away.
Do you think things will pick up next week? Or will we just be subjected to the predictable return of Sylar and, ew, Nikki? Why can’t she just die? Is West Claire’s half-brother after all, explaining their diminishing mental faculties? What the hell is going on and why do I crave good ramen and green tea mochi so much?