Heroes: Mama Petrelli’s A Slut! Pass It On!

You know it’s bad when your laptop virtually screams, “You’re killing me, Smalls!” with the blue screen of death. I will return you to your regularly scheduled recaps on Monday once I finish playing catch-up with Heroes. What day of the week is it? What’s my name again? Why do we love? Let’s blame it on the Butterfly Effect.

Yes, your makeup looks fine. Let’s go!

Chapter 2 is titled “The Butterfly Effect.” Butterflies make me think of tramp stamps (tattoos on the lower back) on girls who tan themselves to match the color of Cheeto Puffs. I’m sure this is due to growing up in southern California, but I cannot deal with illustrations of butterflies of any kind. They’re almost as bad as belly button piercings on girls who also have tramp stamps. Plus hair extensions and Juicy Couture velour tracksuits with a side of frayed denim miniskirts and Abercrombie & Fitch perfume. Which I’ve decided smells exactly like Eau d’Bebe Prostitute.

Casa de Bennet, Costa Verde, California

Claire and Mama Bennet are having an After School Specialâ„¢ moment where they talk about Sylar violating her skull and brain. Question: Why the hell are they still in the house? Sure, I always feel incredibly safe traveling on an airline right after there’s been an accident (I figure lightning usually doesn’t strike twice, once you get it out of your system), but wouldn’t you want to immediately flee after coming home to see your daughter in shock and bleeding? Oh hi, Sylar knows where you live. Why wouldn’t he come back, since he figures Bennet still knows people with powers, powers that he can swipe? Guess he’s gone off to find the villains.

He got what he came for. Her brain virginity.

Show me on Mr. Muggles where he touched you.

Mama B is uber worried about the lack of details Claire is giving her about the whole horrific incident. “Did he…” she trails off. “No, Mom, he came for my brain, not my boobs, even though I’m not the brightest crayon in the box.”

Claire starts to panic about not feeling anything, as it looks like Sylar’s disrupted her nerve endings, or perhaps they’ve finally just died off completely. She frets that despite always healing, she would experience pain and it made her feel human, the pain that she was once grateful for. Things are DIFFERENT, in case you didn’t gather that.

Whoa. If she feels nothing, does that mean she literally can’t have an orgasm? Since pleasure and pain both involve nerve endings and whatnot. Sadface.

New York General Hospital of Heroes

Mama Petrelli is having one of her crazy hallucination future-telling dreams. In it, Hiro is lifeless, stabbed in the chest with Kensei’s sword, Parkman is dead (at least he made it out of the desert, right?), and someone’s trying to kill Claire while pinning her against a wall. There are dead Heroes everywhere. DUN DUN DUN. The costume budget is running out or something, ’cause Claire has to recycle her cheerleading outfit. Must be laundry day in Heroesland.

Don’t they have a Mervyn’s around here? Dang, girl!

Still in her lucid acid dream, Mama P turns around to see Adam, Nikki (I don’t care what you say, it’s Nikki dressed up as a management consultant/i-banker) , Parkman’s dad, Some Unnamed Black Guy (from the old school Heroes photo, methinks), and Sylar. Sweet dreams are not made of these. I can tell you that much.

She snarls at Peter, “This is all because you’re not supposed to be here.” She proceeds to berate her Future-Son for screwing with time.

Oh yes, and we learn about the Butterfly Effect, which is: you step on a butterfly today, three million people die tomorrow. Also, herpes.

Everything I need to know I learned from Jurassic Park and Back to the Future, thanks.

Mama P lays the smackdown on Future Peter, informing him that because he told Claire not to go to Odessa, she stayed home and had an extremely unfortunate day. She tells him to check on Claire, and we all know how that went down. It was a helluva lot worse than Alexander’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. Remember that children’s book?

New York: Lab of Mohinder Suresh. And Sex. But mostly Doom and Destruction.

Maya prances into Mohinder’s lab. He’s role-playing Spiderman, all bronzed and topless and shiny sweaty like a Victoria’s Secret angel. In short, ridiculous. Maya takes a second to take it all in (she’s a slow one), but you can see that she’s got what my friends in SF call DTF eyes. Extra points if you know what “DTF” stands for and leave it in the comments.

Mohinder’s got this post-coital superhero glow thing going on (it’s a lot like people on drugs) and Maya’s unsure of whether or not to turn on her eyes to her Massacre setting.

Scientific Hubris In Action: “I’ve been monitoring my vitals!” Mohinder exclaims. I keep thinking he’s gonna die or explode very soon, because this can’t lead to any good. Heaven forbid any of our Heroes do something that doesn’t have cosmic consequences that might cause the civilized world to collapse. The butterfly effect and nonesuch hey ninny ninny.

For all we know, every time Claire tosses her hair, a puppy’s put into a blender set to puree. Every time Hiro blinks, Japanese tourists visiting Yellowstone National Park fall into Old Faithful. Every time Tim Kring decides to throw two episodes at me in one night, during the week in which I am traveling and then have a birthday (it was the 27th, last Saturday, thank you), my laptop falls to pieces and gives me the blue screen of death. It’s all because of the fucking butterflies.

Mohinder claims that he’s the same, but different. And better. Change. Progress. Hopeful progressive change full of hopeful progress with a side of ch-ch-ch-changes. Now he will give powers to everyone! He demonstrates his newfound physical prowess, and it feels very Revenge of the Science Nerds because Mohinder usually is the first to get knocked out in any scenario with powers involved. “This all came from you, Maya,” gushes Mohinder, completely oblivious to Maya’s panic attack. “It all came from inside that extraordinary body of yours.”

BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.

Mass murdering with my eyes doesn’t mean I don’t take a Pilates class every once in awhile, okay?

Mohinder rips Maya’s shirt off, in homage to the Incredible Hulk. I imagine roid rage is not far behind. Maya, easily distracted by rippling abs and the smell of Spiderman sex, complies easily.

In the sweltering desert somewhere, who knows when

Parkman is in the desert, hallucinating like he’s eaten some of Homer Simpson’s crazy chili peppers. You know, the ones that make you think you’re on a spirit journey with a giant fucking talking turtle. And pyramids that grow out of the sand. Definitely.

Costa Verde, California

Sylar’s sauntering and whistling a happy tune down the tree-lined street, when the camera switches to the perspective of two people in a car with a surveillance camera switched on. The two unnamed individuals rush out and attempt to shoot and kill Sylar or at least incapacitate him. Unfortunately for them, he’s got Claire’s powers of regeneration and swats them aside like rag dolls. Fail.

You got served.

Cut to Elle and Bob (the man with the Midas touch, remember?) at The Company, bickering as usual about the latest failed attempt. “Why do you always let me down? That’s not fair to either of us, is it?” Bob asks Elle, in the monotone drawl that I associate with Clear Eyesâ„¢, for itchy, red eyes. Since David Anders and Kristen Bell are special guests, I’m guessing neither of them are sticking around for very long. Boo.

Yamagato Industries, Japan

Well, so much for sorting all those TPS reports, because they’re everywhere, now that the speed demon woman streaked through the office. Her name is Daphne Millbrook, and she’s a klepto/thief. Thanks to Google and Facebook, Hiro finds out she lives on 14 Rue Saint Jacques in Paris. Sneaky. Yatta! Ando wants to accompany Hiro on the next great adventure, but Hiro remembers the future where he thinks Ando killed him and left him behind. Again, ambiguous scenes mean that Hiro was only mildly zapped and that Ando would never have killed Hiro, since he didn’t stab him in the heart or anything. It’s all in how you interpret what you see, but okay, Hiro, go ahead and think Ando betrays and kills you. Didn’t you learn better than to jump to conclusions? I have a mat for those things.

Tracy Strauss & Governor Malden, Washington DC

Oh hell, it’s Niki-not-Niki-also-not-Jessica Tracy. For reasons unknown, she resembles the other two gals, but evidently the Heroes Wiki says she’s an “evolved human.” Mmmkay. She makes eyes at the Governor, they chit-chat a bit about how much they both like Nathan Petrelli, and she suggests Nathan fill the NY senator seat. There is talk of having a quickie or two. Then she’s off to her car to procure the senate seat and Nathan. She slides into her seat when a sleep-deprived reporter runs up and asks how the biggest stripper in Vegas became such an ice queen. Apparently LasVegasNiki.com is a popular site, still. Random movie trivia: the guy playing the reporter is in a film called The Man From Earth.

What girl doesn’t like a man with strong chins?

The eager reporter asks her for comments, and she refuses. Tracy-Jessica-Niki threatens to hunt the guy down and destroy him if he runs this story. She’s trying to call his bluff, but he’s obviously going to run it, and yeah, someone’s gonna die. Thank goodness for obvious and heavy-handed foreshadowing, how else would I predict these storylines without Parkman’s powers of mindreading? *facepalm*

Daphne’s Apt, Paris

Hiro and Ando are all cuckoo for crazypuffs because Daphne’s snagged the frickin’ Mona Lisa and numerous shiny swords of historic importance and artifacts. She’s probably even got the Holy Grail and the Lost Ark, come to think of it. Hiro ponders a bit about Saint John = Jacques in French, which in turn leads me to believe that Daphne’s supposed to replace Monica from last season as the new Saint Joan? Probably a stretch, but maybe she can be Saint Joan’s doppelganger in Heroesland, if they ever bring Micah & the New Orleans Crew back.

Train tracks, Costa Verde, California

Claire is videotaping herself for the umpteenth time. How very lonelygirl15 of you, Claire-bear. She gets all emotarded, wondering if she’s human anymore. I understand it’s supposed to be endearing, but it’s annoying in that MySpace way. If you don’t feel anything anymore, are you still human? Do you have a soul? Why are dolphins so goshdarned cute? Will I live forever? Why does Sarah Palin exist?

Text away, engineer guy. She doesn’t care.

“My name is Claire Bennet and this is attempt number seven.” Claire then hops onto the track and waits for the next oncoming Amtrak. You’d *think* any good conductor would notice the splat/bone-crushing/signs of person making contact with the train, but I feel Tim Kring doesn’t think very highly of public transportation. Buses and trains and planes are just props in his universe. Just as the train’s about to give Claire a minor flesh wound, Peter swoops in and screams, “WHAT WERE YOU DOING?!”

Claire: “WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?! TRYING TO GET HIT BY A TRAIN, DUH!!”

Peter: “You’re doing it wrong.”

Peter finds out that Sylar can now heal, after brain-pillaging Claire. He shakes his head, telling everyone that it wasn’t supposed to happen. Yeah, well, it’s what you think wasn’t supposed to happen, Peter. Claire clutches at Peter, asking him what Sylar meant when he said she was special, and different? Peter’s a broken record, muttering what happened to her never should’ve happened. Way to cheer up a girl who lost her brain virginity to a total jerk. Understandably, Claire’s still shaken up because she can’t even defend herself.

She can’t even actively heal herself, since the pieces just have to be put back by an external force, as we saw with her scalp, so she feels like a victim. She begs Peter to teach her how to fight back, but he refuses cryptically, saying it’s not his job and basically omits a very valuable truth (i.e. his real identity) and flies off, leaving her confused and feeling totally abandoned. It’s very Dumbledore-esque, in his not telling Harry Potter everything and making Harry more suspicious and ultimately turning him against Dumbledore for a bit. I see it so clearly now. This all makes sense given the scene where Future Brunette Claire and Future Peter face off and she tries to shoot him. Thanks, J.K. Rowling, for your powers of illumination!

I love this commercial. The end.

New York

Nathan and Niki/Jessica/Tracy reunite. She proposes that Congressman Petrelli jump to the head of the class as a Senator. She reveals she’s an advisor to the Governor, and that they want him to fill the seat left by someone’s untimely death. Blame the Mafia, or Future Peter for that one. Nathan is amazed to see Tracy so classy, because he still thinks she’s Niki, and calls her by that name. Niki/Tracy seems genuinely confused (good try, Ali Larter) that he’s calling her Niki, and Nathan tells her to cut the crap. He mentions that they had a good time in Vegas, and Tracy’s having serious cognitive dissonance. It’s hard to keep track of who’s visited your ladyparts, sometimes.

She reasserts that she’s not Niki, and I keep thinking that Tracy Strauss is the equivalent of a killer Blonde VPILF-in-training. Tracy throws the Senator offer on the table, and leaves Nathan to marvel and mull it over.

Dude, Linderman is back. Malcom McDowell is a badass because he played Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange, the role that had him forever typecast as a psychopathic lead villain. Not too shabby. Nathan asks Linderman who the hell is Tracy Strauss, and what happened to Niki. Linderman reveals that Tracy may truly have no idea who Niki is, and that there’s perhaps a reason for that, someone offering Nathan the chance of a lifetime. Oh yes, the God’s Plan reason. It explains everything – global warming, famine, the existence of Crocs (ugly as sin, don’t put them on your feet, I don’t care how comfortable you think they are, they are colorful plastic rain gutters). Nathan, despite his recent spiritual awakening, tells Linderman to get out. I still think what Nathan is perceiving is a ghost of Linderman or something like Touched by an Angel Demon, personally.

OK this one scene is just a huge mix of other shows. Throw in a little Facts of Life and call the Emmy board.

The Company

The Company is located in Hartsdale, I believe, outside of New York City. Elle walks into her daddy’s office with the usual pouty face and asks if he’s listening to her. Of course his chair is turned away from her (DUN DUN, DUN DUN, “Jaws” music is playing in my head) and Elle continues to babble like an angsty teenager who’s not allowed to go to prom…only to find that Daddy’s skull has been lopped off.

For once, Elle is not slow to react. She races to Bennet’s cell and throws him a gun, and he immediately knows what’s going on. I love Veronica Mars a lot, but she’s about to get owned. Or someone’s going to swoop in and save her temporarily. Bennet’s getting ready to hunt down Sylar when we see Sylar fling Elle aside like a banana peel. She slams into a wall. Ouch.

Shouldn’t have locked Weevil in a cage. He totally would have helped, V.

Bennet puts a couple of bullets in Sylar, but they simply pass through him, and he fake-whimpers, to great effect, “Ouch. I got that from your Claire.” Again, we’re reminded that Sylar can’t die, and I’m sure the viewers at home are sharing my thought, which is, “Fuuuuuuck.”

Sylar sweeps Bennet aside, picks up the gun and prepares to demolish Elle. She can only feebly shoot sparks, and it’s a bit gutwrenching (I always hate the scalping scenes). Blue sparks remind me of Jubilee from X-Men, and also Raiden from Mortal Kombat. Elle is marginally better than Jubilee, though. With the gun aimed at her, Sylar says, “Look what your daddy used to be able to do” and converts the metal into gold. Elle’s the one whimpering now, as Sylar tells her that he kills a lot of people, and that she’s to blame for that, maybe even more so than others. The Blame Game is fun when you’re winning, isn’t it?

He starts to open up her skull as Kristen Bell lets loose a very convincing scream, and then blue sparks fly everywhere. Curious. And then…blackout.

When the camera comes to, there’s a dude who keeps insisting he’s Peter Petrelli, who looks like the human version of Super Mario. Hey, maybe Elle didn’t die after all. There’s chaos everywhere, and it looks like the power’s out at The Company. Bennet’s still alive, fortunately, so what the hell happened? Elle must’ve blown the place up in response to her skull getting sawed open.

Back in Le France

Ando’s eyes gleam as he starts to pick up a few tchotchkes for himself from Daphne’s stash. Gold bars everywhere, people, gold bars everywhere. “I’ve never been to France before!” pleads Ando. “I want a few souvenirs!” Heh. Hiro, however, looks at Ando like a criminal, because of what he witnessed in the alleged future. He confesses that he saw Ando kill him (again, not necessarily true, he just zapped Hiro and took off, he didn’t stab him or anything), and says that Ando became a villain. Again, remember that things are grey in Heroesland and everyone thought Bennet was evil in Season 1 and then it became morally ambiguous.

Well, see, I had this dream about you and now it’s hard to look at you without wanting to…take my shirt off and rub Rolos all over my bare chest while you…

Ando is worried about Hiro’s big reveal, asserting that he’s Hiro’s best friend. Hiro gets all existential about it, saying that he is today, maybe but what about tomorrow. Ando’s convinced it must be a robot or something. How very futuristic of you, Ando. Maybe it could be a robot clone that stole his identity! Who knows!

Switching gears, Hiro decides they need to set a trap, in the style of Batman and Catwoman. A ransom, really. They determine which of the treasures is most dear to Daphne, and well, it’s the one whose resale value on eBay is less than everything else’s. Hmm, looks like a gold medal for first place in the hundred yard dash in the twelfth grade is the key. It’s a ghetto looking medal, to be honest, so I’m thinking the props people figured it’d be more accurate to just pick one up from the party supplies store. Also, I don’t know what hick high school you went to, but there was definitely no hundred yard dash just for seniors at mine. It was more along the lines of “How fast can you run from this bullet, lil’ homie?”

New York

Nathan and Future Peter reunite, and Nathan fills his brother in on the Senatorial offer.

Nathan recalls that the last time he was in a position of authority, New York was nearly obliterated from the map. Future Peter tries to tell Nathan that everything is different now, and Nathan’s a bit slow to understand.

But we both still pop our collars. Even in the hospital. How different can things be?

Finally, Future Peter just confesses that he came back to kill Nathan and that he was the shooter. He reveals the future is not bright, with people being used and slaughtered and generally persecuted for their powers, and that he thought this would be how to stop that from happening. Peter dejectedly admits that he came to save the world but he doesn’t think he has. Oh man, I was waiting for the Big Revealâ„¢ where it turns out that Linderman is their real father and Peter’s just a Son of Godâ„¢. Anyway, the future makes Baby Jesus cry, and that’s not good because Future Peter mucked things up and changed everything. He asks Nathan for his forgiveness, and Nathan’s just all WTF WTF WTF?!

Decision 2008: “If you’re from the future, what do I do next? Take the offer? Become a senator? Pass Go and collect 200 dollars?”

Nathan starts weighing his choices, and then Future Peter, relieved that his brother isn’t going to blab about their powers anytime soon, goes to set things right. Which means they’re all doomed. Season 1 had Future Hiro anxiously trying to set things right, with strings and maps going every which way as he tried to figure out cause and effect. Is Future Hiro replaced by Future Peter?

Nathan picks up the phone to call Tracy, who’s driving like a crazy woman in her convertible. He tells her he’s decided to serve as a junior senator, on one condition: she has to leave the Governor, because Nathan wants her on his staff. Man, who let Michael Scott write all this dialogue? Press conference time.

Fine. First law we shall pass: Stop killing my characters. I’m running out of lipstick shades.

Tracy has the crazy reporter on her ass, and he informs her that the story runs tomorrow, and that he has 15 minutes before he turns it in. In true writerly fashion, he’s drinking a Slurpee. He’s the most idiotic reporter I’ve ever seen portrayed on TV, because he not only gives her a chance to defend herself (twice!), he pulls out a portable DVD player (also ridiculous, everyone knows writers make no money unless you’re the lady who wrote that “Twilight” series ) to show her (as Niki/Jessica) hooking up with Congressman Petrelli in HD. Tracy freezes up, and tries not to look too rattled as she insists it’s not her.

Hello! Different lipstick! Wasn’t me!

“Ice Queen Heats Up Last Vegas” is the headline, the reporter tells her. Foreshadowing. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Tracy, absolutely distressed, grabs the reporter by the arm and suddenly his entire body transforms into blue ice. And then he shatters into a million tiny shards. Looks like someone has the powers of cryokinesis, and it was baby’s first time giving someone the deep freeze. Boom shaka laka, shaka laka. Tracy flips out and tries to jet out of these as quickly as possible. Something tells me that the icing of the reporter was captured on videotape.

Back at The Company…

We cut to Elle trying to chill out, looking at her recently murdered father’s body get cold. She’s obviously traumatized, but Mama Petrelli doesn’t have a single maternal bone in her cold body. Mama P informs Elle that she’ll be making a few changes in HR, that Elle’s electrical outburst let all the inmates get away, as well as Noah Bennet. Hrmph.

Guess who’s Queen Bee of The Company now? That’s right. Mama P proves that bitch is the new black by immediately informing Elle that her services will no longer be needed, that they only kept her around this long at her father’s insistence. Elle discovers that despite their bickering, Daddy Bob has been protecting her all this time. But now he’s dead, and Elle’s gotta find herself a new life now. Reality bites. Question: Why wouldn’t Mama P keep Elle around, since she knows so much? Isn’t it absolutely bad business to fire someone who has a deep understanding of how The Company runs and all the passwords to computers and security systems and such? Someone who also has powers? She may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least keep her on as an independent contractor, people.

Why do bitchy women always own this suit? Discuss.

P.S. The Company now has Sylar in their possession. But for how long? You know someone’s going to screw that up; it’s like his third or fourth time in one of those cells.

Baguettes! Jacques Cousteau! Foux de fa fa

Daphne returns to find Hiro and Ando rifling through her panty drawer. She immediately goes on the offensive and tries to attack Hiro. She pouts and calls him Time Warp. Hiro finally gets a little sassy and tells her that she’s not faster than him. They play some hide and seek, and Hiro dangles the medal in front of her with a “Here, kitty, kitty.” He demands the formula in return, and she says her boss is not going to be happy.

Do you think her boss is Mama Petrelli? I have a sneaking suspicion it might be, because I could swear that they sent Claire to Paris to meet her Grandma ages ago. That would explain the whole France thing, and an arsenal of stolen art and priceless artifacts means an endless cashflow, right? That’s particularly important now that Bob’s Midas touch is lost.

Anywho, Daphne mocks the boys for not finding the formula earlier, because it’s hidden right behind the Mona Lisa. She grabs the formula and then tries to cut up Ando. Hello, Hiro, you can STOP TIME. Why do you forget this little power all the time? He freezes it but not completely. Anywho, Daphne is a smart cookie and cuts Ando a teeny bit with her butter knife, freaking Hiro out. He forks over the medal in exchange for Ando, even though he totally could’ve stopped time and teleported them away PLUS the formula, thus confirming that Hiro is still kind of like a bumbling Pokemon character who causes me stress and anxiety to no end.

Time stops freezing and Ando is shocked to find that he’s been cut a bit. He immediately suspects Hiro, which I find hilarious and completely irrational. Hiro proudly exclaims that he managed to put a tracking device under the ribbon in order to get to Daphne’s destination before she does and grab the formula. Yes, but you could’ve just gotten it two seconds ago. Ando’s peeved that Hiro left him out of the plan, and I’m a little pissed that Hiro didn’t execute things better. Then again, Hiro fumbles his way through life, like a fifteen year old clumsily trying to undo his date’s bra clasp.

We re-establish the whole tension between BFFs where Ando is dismayed that Hiro didn’t tell him the full plan, and that Hiro keeps justifying it by saying he doesn’t trust Ando. Guys, just get a relationship therapist, okay?

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Mohinder and Maya, post-coitus

Hmm, they’re not really spooning. For a second I was concerned that Mohinder accidentally killed Maya during the sex due to his newfound superstrength. Tim Kring doesn’t love me that much (yet), so she’s probably still alive. Maya, it’s only because of your boobs and that bodacious body of yours, so don’t let it inflate your ego. Mohinder looks totally ravaged. Considering he hasn’t gotten any in two seasons, he’s doing well for himself. He stumbles out of bed and looks at himself in the mirror. If the creepy lighting is any indication, the serum is about to backfire. Hmm. What exactly happens when you sleep with a girl whose mascara tracks can kill everyone in a 5+ mile radius? Do you think his superhuman strength made superhuman sperm and now she’s pregnant with the Spawn of Serum? The possibilities are endless, but hey, Mohinder’s skin is falling off in patches. Leprosy. So hot right now.

Uh oh. He turned into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. So help us.

Desert of Insanity

Parkman’s still crawling around in the desert. He’s convinced he’s going insane, as he sees a turtle and using his powers of telepathy, believes he hears it telling him that the plant will give him water. Great, now we have a Dr. Doolittle in the house.

He clutches for the plants and squeezes what liquid he can out of them, exclaiming, “THANK YOU, TURTLE! YOU SAVED MY LIFE!”

Just as we are convinced that Parkman can actually talk to animals the way Bubbles on the PowerPuff Girls can talk to squirrels, a human voice asks, “Why are you talking to a turtle?”

Parkman looks up to see an African shaman with a hipster scarf. The talking turtle theory is laid to rest. The African warrior reassures Parkman that he knows who Britney Spears is, and that America is a big place. Africa is, too. He forces Parkman to get up and walk and offers him water. Parkman sloppily gorges himself and notes that there is no cell phone reception. “We should’ve gone with Sprint,” says the shaman/spirit guide. Someone’s wearing their lollerskates today. Parkman tries to tell the guy that he was sent here against his will, and the African spirit dude acknowledges it is not right that he is here, either. He knows things! Also, Parkman sounds like Putty from Seinfeld right now.

Finally! Africa discovered houndstooth! It was only a matter of time.

The future is clearly changing. Parkman points out that he saw the rock painted with the Earth and the Heroes symbol. Somehow, the spirit guide knows the future is changing, too. I wonder what year it is, and if it’s time for the Space Olympics.

Casa de Bennet, Costa Verde

Claire comes back home to discover Dad’s back on his laptop. The reunion between Bennet and Claire is touching, but short-lived. I really enjoy the relationship between the two. Claire’s excited to have him back, but wises up to the real purpose of his return when she spies his gun. He’s not staying. Bennet says he can’t ignore what just happened, and that he’s the only one who can fix it. Why do all these people insist on not taking backup in their attempts to save the world?

New York, Hospital of General Heroes

Ghostface Killa Linderman is playing chess with Nathan (I’m convinced Linderman is a ghost or a projection, a la Star Wars) in his hospital room. Linderman tells Nathan that he made the right choice to accept the senate seat. Nathan protests that this time things are better, that he’s the one in control. Ha! Linderman just smiles that creepy old man smile. I mentally place a monocle and top hat on Linderman to make the heebie-jeebies go away. There, he’s like Mr. Peanut.

A nurse steps into the doorway and asks, “You’re playing yourself?” Who wrote this script, M. Night Shyamalan? Yes, Linderman’s dead/not-dead. Nathan sees dead people. Everybody is crazypants. And dead. Or soon-to-be dead.

Well would it kill you to leave me an InStyle or something?

“No one can see me, except you,” says Linderman. “Now, whose turn was it again?” Oh snap. Nathan is trying to process this, while the nurse is creeped out by Nathan’s tribute to A Beautiful Mind.

Back at Casa de Bennet

Bennet’s telling Claire about the good fellows he was locked up with at The Company. There’s someone named Knox, a flame thrower, and a dude named The German, and a guy named Jesse Murphy who does unmentionable, unspeakable things. In short, they are evil and could destroy us all. Well, I bet they could’ve been shaped for good but since The Company got a hold of them and locked them up for so long, they’re just pissed at the world and want to see it burn now. Good job, people. Before Claire was born, Bennet would find out about these people and would lock them away. He’s convinced they will kill and terrorize and conspire and cause unimaginable destruction to the world. Ah, moral ambiguity and mixed intentions can get a TV series so far. He alludes to their files, which Sylar now possesses.

Bennet calls these characters Villains, and mentions that he is one of the few people capable of stopping them. Claire, of course, wants to accompany Daddy on his mission. “I helped save New York City, totally! When you couldn’t do it, old man!”

Bennet, probably remembering his good ol’ friend Bob (even though his daughter can’t die), is protective of Claire’s mental and emotional state. He refuses to let her come along, but we all know that’s the wrong choice since she already feels like a powerless victim. Nice thought in theory, but Claire could totally help you, Pops. Claire needs to feel that she can do something (again, read Harry Potter and this will all make sense). In short, Claire is Harry Potter minus the forehead scar, Sylar is Voldemort and Bennet is Dumbledore.

And yes, this is Snape.

The Company Cell

Future Peter is shocked to see Sylar back in the cell, restrained. Mama P asks Peter what the hell is going on, and where Present Day Peter is. Future Peter’s freaking out over where one of the prisoners went, and can’t believe he’s gone. Well, silly, he escaped. Thank the butterfly effect for providing an explanation for all present and future plot holes!

“I put him in the body of the guy in that cell. I put him in Jesse,” reveals Future Peter. Wow. So Future Peter has the ability to make someone share a body now? Creepy. Also, Present Day Peter looks like a New Jersey Guido / Super Mario. That’s every boy’s dream! Mama P is PISSED, and snarls that Future Peter needs to bring him back ASAP and while he’s at it, can go to hell. Looks like the prisoner was telling the truth the entire time. The Company really should get some Veritaserum on lockdown. Or at least bring in Jack Bauer.

Meanwhile, at some nearby gas station, the newly-liberated villains are celebrating. And by “celebrating,” I mean raping and pillaging. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from this show, it’s that just because people are doing awful things, it doesn’t mean they’re devoid of compassion. However, Knox and the Flame Thrower and The German (I’ll get them right, eventually) are just getting their sadistic jollies on, beating up innocents and torching women. “We’re just having a little fun,” they tell Present Peter-trapped-in-Jesse.

Cut to a close-up of a woman’s body scorched on the ground. The villains nab a van as their getaway vehicle and we get a neat mirror view where Peter sees himself in the reflection of the window’s glass but everyone else sees Jesse.

I can’t wait til I’m tall and thin with a full head of hair again.

Back at The Company, Mama P gets mega-creepy as she caresses Sylar as if fondling a new toy. “My sons have been such a disappointment, but you – I can give you all what boys crave from their mothers. Inspiration and guidance. Isn’t that right, Gabriel?” Lady, I know what you’re thinking, but he’s not the same Angel Gabriel from the Bible.

Sylar snaps awake and snarls, “My name is Sylar. You are NOT my mother.” Oh boy. Jerry Springer paternity tests, here we come!

“But I am dear, I am,” says Mama P.

Who the hell didn’t Mama Petrelli sleep with? Talk about being the ho-hub of Heroes. Who’s Sylar’s real father, if everything he thought about his parents is now potentially nullified? It can’t be Kaito…although George Takai was Sulu on Star Trek, and Zachary Quinto is playing young Spock in the upcoming movie. Coincidence, or Butterfly Effect? You decide.

The dad must pluck his brows or we would have the answer by now.