Heroes: Did Somebody Order The Hot Cops? (Now with a Side of Child Abandonment!)

Oh lawd. The Butterfly Effect strikes again.

Don’t worry. Not that one.

I was halfway through recapping episode 4 before I remembered I’d left episode 3 in Microsoft Word/ Moveable Type Hell. Also, I showed up to the wrong job on the wrong day (true story, I have 4 jobs right now and I can’t time-travel), and Sylar ate all the Hot Pockets in my freezer. I’m sorry. I’m a bad person. Please don’t hate me. I must be pregnant with Heroes. Immaculate conception is totally real!

I had a nightmare this week. It involved my high school band director screaming “Results not excuses!” in my left ear while ordering me to do 200 pushups on a dewy football field. The kind of pushups where you have to clap in between them. I often wake up feeling that I’ve irrevocably screwed up my future and feel compelled to take a lap or two around the block as penance. I usually make it as far as my door before I remember I gave up Catholic guilt for Lent about six years ago. Let’s do this!

The Company, Sylar’s cell

Mama Petrelli practically salivates over a restrained Sylar, caressing his stubbly face and telling him that she can give him what all boys crave from their mothers. Inspiration! Guidance! Molesting! The Oedipus complex! Her sartorial decisions include more evil-looking tweed skirt suits, a favorite of sinister post-menopausal supervillains and the national executives from my sorority.

I’m here to read you a story. Out of Penthouse.

She leans over her sedated son, untying his wristguards, and admits she never should’ve given him up for adoption. Seriously, what made you think a watchmaker and a woman who collects Hummel figurines would be capable of raising your child together? I thought you were smart, Mama P. More facial molesting ensues, which explains the source of Nathan and Peter’s homoerotic brotherly love. Then she calls in a willowy brunette in a skirt suit named Bridget. Bridget’s ability is to touch an object and be able to view its entire history, including everywhere it’s been and everyone who’s ever touched it.

So what you’re saying is if Bridget touched Mama P down there in the baby-maker, Bridget could tell you exactly who our Heroes Hub has been touching over the years. Dirty! What a useful skill! Never again will you wonder if your sexual partners are telling the truth about who they’ve boinked. Bridget could have taken down those Emperor’s Club call girl rings in basically six months!

Sylar asks what Bridget’s going to do to him, and Mama P replies comfortingly, “Feed you.” Hmm, would you rather be Sylar feed or a comfort woman to soldiers of war? Conjugal visits of the brain-slicing kind are the best, aren’t they? The mysterious ticking noise comes flooding back once Mama P rips Sylar’s IV out of his nose, too. Sweet. Severus Snape, Snape, Snape…

Mama P struts away in her Tweed Suit of Evil and pauses for half a heartbeat when she hears Bridget’s blood-curling screams. She stops to pick a wedgie (control top Depends could use a redesign) and moves along her merry way. She’s a cold-hearted bitch, and we love her for it.

Tastes like evil chicken.

“One of us, One of them” is the theme of the episode, and we get a scrolling title card instead of the usual text overlapping the scene. Curious. Cut to Tracy freezing a single long-stem rose in a vase as Mohinder does his usual voice-over about the nature of evil, the choices we make, nurture versus nature, yada yada yada, everybody poops.

Yes. Even her.

A single frozen petal flutters downward, revealing that Tracy’s frozen about a dozen roses, one at a time. I haven’t watched Beauty and the Beast in a very long time, and now I have no desire to.

It’s still the present day, in Senator Nathan’s new office, when Future Peter appears for some inquiring about Present Peter’s whereabouts. Nathan reveals that Present Peter left him a message on his iPhone, but it’s in someone else’s voice. Ah yes, Present Peter is trapped in a Level 5 villain’s body, stuck in a car with criminals who are going to hurt people. Dude, at least give your cross-streets.

Poughkeepsie, New York

Jesse looks exactly like one of the Lil’ Homies inaction figures my friends and I would play with in elementary and middle school. We get some neat mirror action as we see Peter, but any and all reflections show Jesse. And by Jesse, I mean Weevil. Francis Capra, you need to get yourself un-typecast as the resident cholo.

Too bad The Wire’s over.

“Maybe we should come back at night, it’ll be empty, ” stammers Present Peter. Token black guy asks him what’s wrong, because Token can feel Jesse/Peter’s fear. Fine, Token’s real name is Knox, and I assume he attended the school by the same name. The villains stroll into a bank, where The German, who looks like the poor man’s Bennet (glasses and all) flips all the shades closed thanks to his Magneto-like powers of manipulating steel.

Flint gets ready with some blue balls of fire. How punny these writers are.

Back at Level 5, The Company

Bennet returns in a full suit, to counter Mama P’s Tweed of Evil. She smiles, and gently chastises him for not coming back earlier, informing him the majority of the prisoners he put away escaped. Mama P’s full of clichés, and Bennet cuts her off mid-sentence to assert that he’s not re-enlisting, he’s just there to put the psychopaths away and return to his family. “And Claire,” grins Mama P. They start walking down the hallway as she informs him his partner, The Haitian, is on a pick-up assignment, and is unavailable.

No I won’t impregnate you. Stop asking! How many babiy daddies do you need?

Some lackeys wheel a gurney out, with Bridget’s body covered by a sheet. Of course, the sheet’s bloody around the brain area, but Bennet and Mama P hardly miss a stride during their West Wing walk and talk. It just goes to show how hardened these two characters are to the harsh realities of their lives and positions, that sacrifices are made every day “for the good of mankind.” Yes, well, if mankind stopped using MySpace, maybe they’d be worth saving.

Bennet reminds her of the Company rule, “One of us, one of them” as Mama P stops in front of the cell. We see blood oozing from a sink and Sylar washing his hands. He smiles as he looks up to see Bennet in the window. Claire is going to throw herself under a bus when she finds out.

Come on. A Samsung Instinct? You’re so not gonna be able to use iTunes with that.

Back at the last remaining branch of Lehman Brothers, if Lehman Brothers actually had physical banks

Knox tells Peter/Jesse to calm the eff down, while The German/Magneto picks the vault’s lock. Flint’s filling moneybags full of cash, while a bank teller named Holly tries to go for the emergency button. Flint starts to manhandle her, and Jesse/Peter tries to stop him. Just in the nick of time, The German gets the vault open. Knox is on to Peter.

Bennet House of Waffles

Leggo of my eggo, Meredith! Mama B pours some syrup and plunks a plate of waffle, bacon and eggs in front of Claire’s biological mama. Jessalyn Gilsig is awesome, as she Zippos her finger up to light a Marlboro. Lyle, who’s become one of those promise ring-toting, abstinence-only Vacation Bible School camp nerds who think it’s not really sex if you do it up the butt, immediately narcs to Mama B. Womp womp womp, smoking kills.

Claire bounces into the kitchen, flouncing her hair. Ooh, someone went to assertiveness training over the weekend. She refuses to go back to school, and Mama B insists that she does. Claire exchanges a knowing glance with Meredith, who begins to explain that she understands. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife, or whatever Sylar uses to pry skulls open. There’s some nice friction between Mama B, Claire, and Meredith, as Claire starts to realize her adopted mom might not actually get it. Anywho, we’ll see who wins the Battle of the Moms.

He’s a tattle tail! Set him on fire!

Mama P’s office, The Company

Mama P makes Bennet an offer: take Sylar as his partner, or she puts him into play anyway. What Sylar evidently needs is structure, which Bennet can provide, and mom-hugs. At least Mama P isn’t wearing mom jeans in some delightful shade of acid wash! Bennet points his gun at Sylar, who can’t die anyway. Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious. She explains that he’s misunderstood, and there you have it, folks – moral ambiguity. It’s all about the person and the situation. Anywho, Mama P hands Sylar over to Bennet like she’s sending her newest son to boarding school in Switzerland. Structure and polish, that’s what all those schools promised.

Berlin, Germany, Land of Buster Keaton

Hiro and Ando manage to outspeed Daphne, who Hiro immediately calls Nemesis again. Hee. She’s creeped out that two Japanese businessmen are stalking her around the globe. Yeah, you should really charge for that, Daphne. She says that they’re too late for Kaito’s portion of the formula; it’s already been delivered and paid for, and now she’s on to the next half. An exchange is supposed to happen at the movie theater tonight, and she’s waiting to intercept. Hee.

Hiro’s like, “Why are you telling us this, you overconfident nemesis?!” Daphne, with Veronica Mars-like sass, breezily informs them they’re two against her one, and calls Hiro Pikachu, to his horror. What will they do next? Don bodysuits and fit themselves through holes in a moving wall? Pika, pika! Hiro busts out a little more angry Engrish and says they’ll beat her.

Daphne attempts to run away, but she’s slower than a kid in the Special Olympics. Hiro tries to teleport or stop time, but his powers aren’t working either. Looks like The Haitian’s in town for some bratwurst and schnitzel. Whatevs, Daphne, says, and runs off after flashing the L for loser on her forehead at the boys.

Hiro grabs Ando and crouches behind a movie sign to see The Haitian walk into a theater with an obvious briefcase.

And a weeks worth of clothes! And a laptop!

Costa Verde, Casa de Bennet

Meredith’s smoking outside as Claire leaves for school. They have a stop and chat about Claire’s new superhero kick, where Claire tries to convince Meredith she really wants to move past the Sylar attack and help people in need. However, her biological mom knows there’s more to the story, and suggests they play hooky today. Claire looks like more lke Malibu Stacy than ever, thanks to massively long hair extensions. Get in the car, little girl, I have candy!

Hotel de Tracy, New York

Nathan shows up at Tracy’s room, where she shows him the sex, lies, and videotape of Niki and Nathan getting it on in Vegas. I’m not sure how Adrian Pasdar keeps a straight face through Ali Larter’s acting. She asks Nathan who the hell Niki is, but Nathan insists he’s waiting for this to all make sense. Tracy says that all she can get about her is an address in New Orleans, and Nathan still believes Tracy is Niki. She’s off to New Orleans. Let’s rescue Micah!

Do I stink?

Poughkeepsie is a funny word to type. LOL.

Back at the Villains Vault, The German declares it’s just about the money for him and he’s going to take his share and leave. The cops pull up, surprising everyone but Knox, who reveals he called them up to exact his revenge on Bennet and his horn-rimmed glasses. Oh noes. Even Flint is surprised, but Knox says he’s fueled up on the fear of everyone in the bank, and senses The German’s fear as well. He powers up, and plunges an entire fist through The German’s torso, leaving a hole in the wall behind him. One down, two more to go. The hostages freak out, understandably. I always wonder what I’d do in the case of a bank robbery – probably hide in a cubby or stuff myself in one of the waiting area sofas. Or play dead. Ideally, I’d whoosh myself away in one of the tubes you use to make deposits in the drive-through teller area.

Present Peter/Jesse nervously agrees to Knox’s plan, just to stall him a bit further.

Spirit Walk with the African Hipster

Did someone order some Hot Cops? I got your hot cop right here, but he isn’t very sexy.

“How do you know my name?” Parkman asks. The Shaman tells him that he used to go on spirit walks, too, to find food and hunt as a boy. The Shaman looks incredibly calm and composed, while Parkman just looks like he’s got frostbite and chocolate smeared all over his face. I like Parkman and all, but I just don’t care about him anymore.

The Shaman mentions that his spirit animal told him to gather berries and paint, and paint he did. In fact, he painted Parkman’s entire life, defacing the natural landscape with Banksy-like depictions of Parkman slowly growing fatter. It’s kinda creepy, but how can you be scared of someone who wears a tastefully distressed Universal Studios vintage tee and a houndstooth scarf so unironically? There’s paintings of Parkman as a cop, and of people panicking with mouths agape.

Oh no. What happens to Yoko Ono in the future? Hasn’t she gone through enough?

The Company

Sylar cleans up well in a slim suit and a skinny tie, and Mama P’s so proud of her prodigal son. She reassures him that she’s really his mother, because he must’ve realized on some level he just never fit with his kooky, boring parents. Sylar shows some real emotion as he frets that he’s just a killer, which is a really great turn for his character, but Mama P comforts him, explaining that his abilities give him a hunger that he can’t control. Well, I’m fat because I eat, and I eat because I’m fat. Is it my fault? More high fructose corn syrup, please!

Bennet strides in, declaring he’s found a few of the villains, thanks to local news coverage. The Company’s really sucking balls here if 1. they have to get their info from the local news, and 2. they never tagged their villains. Seriously, you could’ve sedated all of them and implanted RFIDs under the skin. Am I going to have to come in there and take over and show you how to run your business, people?

Mama P reveals that Present Peter’s trapped in Jesse’s body, and that Peter has no idea of what Jesse’s abilities are. Looks like Sylar and Bennet are off on their first adventure together.

Berlin, land of funny piano music and pratfalls

Hiro and Ando are literally scoping the joint. They’ve got a hankering for popcorn, when who should appear but Daphne (with her own box of popcorn). Her limited grasp of Japanese stems from the “Mr. Roboto” song, and there’s some great sassy back and forth as Hiro and Daphne argue over having dibs on the interception. Daphne’s really a wild card in the world of heroes and villains, because she identifies with being a mercenary, and does it for the money. She then tries to divide Hiro and Ando a bit by implying Ando is Hiro’s sidekick, his Robin to Hiro’s Batman. Seriously, though, Hiro is more of a Pikachu/Kirby figure at this point because he fumbles so much.

Daphne calls Hiro self-righteous, explaining she doesn’t care for the politics or the heroics of it all, which is refreshing. Also, Daphne kicks Elle’s ass. Just as Ando’s trying to make a point about how Hiro would never leave his side – Hiro does. Hee. The Haitian’s on the move!

Universal Studios backlot, Desert Section

These new Heroes paintings are definitely more stencil-like in their style, which is a neat contrast to Isaac’s Roy Lichtenstein/comic paintings from Season 1. We see Bennet hovering over a restrained Sylar in one panel, and Parkman in full uniform in another. More smoking guns. “It happened exactly like this!” exclaims Parkman. The shaman is whipping up a concotion, and explains that some of the future paintings are no longer accurate, that it’s no longer Parkman’s future to be happy with a wifey who looks strangely like Daphne (with nicer hair) and a baby. He paints over one of the few panels that hasn’t come true with white paint, explaining the future has changed.

Parkman sputters that you can’t just tell a guy his future’s changed, and when the Shaman whirls around, you can only see the whites, Isaac-style.

Are the writers running out of powers to give people? Simpsons did this like, 10 seasons ago.

The Villains Vault, Poughkeepsie

Back at the bank, Peter/Jesse and Knox are having a semi-heart to heart. Knox tells Peter that it was Jesse’s desire for revenge that kept him alive during their imprisonment, and Peter tries to convince Knox that tempting fate is just never a good idea. Knox baits Peter, asking him if he’s excited to go back to his family and friends in Detroit. Peter nods, and then Knox reveals Jesse’s family is from Vegas, and that he’s got no friends. Instead of putting a hole through Peter’s torso, Knox just flings Peter aside like a rag doll to the screams of the hostages, sending shards of mirror everywhere. So Knox gets more powerful when he smells/senses fear. Peter needs to fricking figure out what Jesse’s power is. “Who the hell are you?” snarls Knox. Good question.

Sylar and Bennet pull up in a company car, dressed in complimentary suits. It’s adorable, almost like Take Your Son to Work Day. Bennet explains that it’s one big game to Mama P, and Sylar asks in response if Bennet’s curious to see how it all plays out. Bennet, still displeased with this pairing, explains that he’ll take care of the villains and hostages. Sylar accurately sums it up as a one-sided partnership and then launches into his best faux-Brooklyn/Jersey accent and convinces the cops that they’re actually special agents (Andrew Hanson to the rescue! Hee, Hanson). Way to seed of doubt these cops. “We’re gonna need some coffee – decaf!” barks Sylar. “And some pepperoni pizza!” Sylar’s character just gets better and better. Good thing he can’t die now.

I’m too old for this crap!

Villains Vault

Peter’s being restrained by Knox, and he tries to explain that someone put him in Jesse’s body. Knox asks why the hell would he follow them, since he had so many chances to bail. Peter, ever the naïve idiot in the present, tells them the absolute worst answer — that he didn’t want anyone to get hurt. Why didn’t you just explain you had nowhere else to go, and that you wanted to get revenge on the guy who did it to you? Way to pump up a villain whose power depends on sensing fear. Even Flint’s convinced that Peter’s mildly retarded. “Now I know you’re full of it – nobody’s that heroic,” scoffs Knox. “You really are a tard. Commence noogies and Indian rug burns!” Reverse psychology FAIL, Peter. Maybe a rousing game or two of bloody knuckles will teach you.

Berlin

The Haitian is inspecting the other half of the formula, given to him by a brunette with a British accent. Given recent events, he explains, Mama P decided to keep her half closer. The Haitain’s got a giant old school magnifying glass to inspect the goods, and deems them worthy. Didn’t anyone decide to scan the formula, just so they wouldn’t lose it to mercenaries and unscrupulous villains? Hiro and Ando scurry up the stairs to more silent film piano music, and plot to get their Pikachu mitts on both halves of the formula. Although I think Ando is technically more of a Charmander, since he gets fireball powers in the future.

Outside the Bank

We get a touching exchange between Sylar and Bennet, as Bennet puts on a Kevlar jacket, which is absolutely useless against the villains. He knows it too, and even hands his gun to Sylar. Sylar’s incredulous that Bennet would go on what’s basically a suicide mission, and Bennet is amused that a “monster” cares about his well-being. Sylar and Bennet bicker back and forth about how Bennet thinks he’s better than Sylar (“I am,” asserts Bennet. Hee) and Sylar, showing more sincerity and control than we’ve seen in awhile, insists that he can help. He sounds just like Claire, but capable of helping. Bennet warns Sylar to stay put and steer clear of the buffet inside, and diffuse the hostages with his silver tongue. Clap your hands, this is getting good!

One thing a vest emblazoned with a giant POLICE patch does is intimidate, umkay?

N’awlins, Louisiana

The creepy wallpaper is back! Tracy enters Uhura’s house in pearls and a power skirt suit to find a coffin and photos of Niki everywhere. She opens the coffin lid to see Niki’s face, closes it abruptly, and whirls around to a stunned Micah. “Mom?” The kid’s smart and realizes Tracy is not Niki (even though she is!). Micah reveals that Niki was super-strong, like the Hulk, and asks Tracy if she has powers, too. He offers to find out more about her identity using his ability to talk to machines and cross-referencing everything, including the Heroes wiki. Micah, what the hell are you doing with a Dell? You should be using a Macbook Pro, kiddo, Dells are for noobs. His hand pulls up a bajillion documents and reveals that she and Niki were born on the same day at the same hospital in California, by a Dr. Zimmerman. Micah gives Tracy a huge hug, and it’s actually a pretty touching scene. Am I getting soft?

On a side note, I went snowboarding at Mountain High during the writer’s strike months ago (mid-February), and guess who was in front of me in the line for the bunny slopes? Noah Gray-Cabey, i.e. Micah! I tried to pry some secrets out of him, but mostly I was astonished at how much his curls resembled an American Girl doll’s hair. We also took an obligatory photo together.

Berlin

“I believe this is my briefcase!” Hiro pleads with The Haitain. “I will ask for an usher!” The Haitain’s having none of it, and Hiro keeps asking for an usher. I believe he’s being literal. Fortunately, Ando’s not a retard and bonks The Haitain over the head with a sandbag, knocking him down the stairs. The BFFS bicker back and forth a bit more about how Daphne’s gotten to Ando (she hasn’t), and Ando threatens to take off on his own.

“Sometimes I wonder why I bring you along at all,” Hiro says smugly. WHOOSH, the briefcase is jacked by Daphne, and Hiro finds he’s left with popcorn. Man, I’d rather win a gold medal in the Special Olympics than be Hiro right now. His reaction time is embarrassingly slow, and Ando even has time to scream “Hiro, freeze time!” Thanks, Captain Obvious. Daphne for the win!

Why do they still watch silent movies here? Not complaining, but I was hoping to squeeze a viewing of Rachel Getting Married.

Unfortunately, The Haitian’s revived himself, and all Hiro can do is offer the scary man some popcorn like a good little cafe maid.

Villains Vault

Bennet makes his entrance and is immediately grabbed by Knox, who immediately complains that Bennet took away his life by sticking him in Super-Guantanamo. Hmm, someone’s voting Obama in November. Knox says it’s his turn to be judge, jury and executioner, but Peter, enraged, does a super-scream that sends Flint flying into the wall. Awesome, sonic boom!

Present Peter yelps, “Listen to me!” and directs it at Knox, sending copy machines, desks, and office debris in his and Bennet’s way. However, just when you think Knox is going to get killed by a red Swingline stapler or something equally mundane, Future Peter’s stopped time. The special effects team blew their wad on the suspended animation effect that I love so much, and I thank them for it. Knox is bent backwards, Matrix-style, while Bennet just looks like he’s watching the Honey, I Shrunk The Kids: 4D show at Disneyland, right at the part where the giant dog sneezes on you. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?

Future Peter walks past all the office stuff, places his hand on Jesse’s larynx and pops Present Peter out, just like popping out a Gchat box. Present Peter is naturally suspicious of Future Peter, but they teleport away, leaving Bennet in the hands of the REAL Jesse and Knox and Flint now. *Facepalm* Good work, geniuses, you win the Darwin Award in my book. Way to leave one of the best characters in absolute peril. Oy vey, fuck shit fuck. Bennet realizes that he really shouldn’t have slept with Jesse’s girl back in the day, as Jesse grabs him.

That was the tightest body ever.

Costa Verde, California

Meredith leads Claire into a metal shipping crate and has her lock the door. Ah, this is just like that episode of To Catch a Predator. She asks her daughter if she really wants to do this, and you can see Meredith try to harden herself for what’s to come, and what she’s going to do to her own daughter. You can see her visibly steel herself. Claire, still on her superhero kick, insists she’s ready, and scoffs when her mother tells her step one is Survival. Meredith palms the metal wall and explains that there are some things you can’t fight. Tough love, baby – it burns.

Claire keeps defending her desire to fight, explaining she wants to help people. She cockily says she’s walked through fire and she’s never been burned, she’s indestructible. Sure, but you can still think you’re dying, even if you don’t feel anything physically. Meredith is badass in this scene, pointing out that the air supply’s being depleted and asks if Claire feels faint. She asks if her daughter’s ever suffocated. “Why do you want to stop bad guys?” Mama Meredith asks. She doesn’t believe Claire’s claims, and asks her if she knows what waterboarding is. Claire gasps no, she doesn’t (someone doesn’t read the newspaper or watch 24) and starts hyperventilating as Meredith calmly explains that waterboarding is a method of torture sanctioned by the US government. Also, buttsex with goats.

We get flashes of Claire feeling helpless and trapped while she was with Sylar, and Meredith breaks her daughter down just like those boot camp drill sergeants on Montel or Sally Jesse Raphael. Remember those? “My daughter’s a crack whore and been knocked up twice, and she’s only 8!” was one theme. Meredith brings Claire to her breaking point, as Claire’s clawing the floor, trying to suck in what air she can, and Claire finally spits out she wants to learn to fight so she can hurt Sylar, for what he did to her. Man, after school specials have certainly changed since the early 90′s. Remember Joey Lawrence telling you, “If she says no, and you do anyway, that’s rape”? The more you know. The somber look on Meredith’s face says everything as Claire stumbles out of the shipping crate. I don’t think she’ll be volunteering to go into enclosed spaces with her biological mom anytime soon.

I want a sun salutation. NOW!

Villains vault

Bennet leads a handcuffed Flint away, telling Sylar to watch Knox and Jesse while they get ready to send them back to Level 5. Sylar seems possessed by the ticking noise again (it’s Severus Snape, I tell you), and as Bennet returns, Sylar flings the door shut, allowing Knox to run away. Jesse’s sprawled on the floor, and Sylar sadly admits that he is still a killer. Well, if that’s what happens Sylar’s blood sugar is low, I’d rather be diabetic. Bennet tries to reason with Sylar, and tries to tell him he can fight it. You can see Sylar vacillate between the hunger and his desire to be good, and the hunger takes over, splattering blood across the glass door.

Costa Verde, California

Mama Meredith tells Claire that was torturing her for her own good, and expresses her remorse. Meredith explains you have to build your life brick by brick, and to save yourself before saving the world. Yes, the broken record method. I learned it in D.A.R.E in 1995 and it still doesn’t work on idiots. “There ain’t nothing wrong with being a seventeen year-old girl for awhile, you got that?” asks Mama. Hmm, yeah, I’ll file that in my list of sayings to cross-stitch, including “God Bless This Mess” to adorn all the rooms where women have to give birth. The two hug, but we all know nothing’s going to be the same. Claire eyes some Primatech Paper files. Bennet, you never should’ve given her a car for her birthday. Didn’t you learn anything from My Super Sweet Sixteen? Blinged-out Range Rovers are way easier to find than generic Toyota SUVs.

Universal Studios Desert Backlot

Shaman’s done with his new painting, and has ditched the houndstooth. I suppose it’s getting too warm for scarves in the desert. In the new future painting, Parkman’s carrying a lifeless body (so much for domestic bliss) covered in burns. He’s full of questions, but the Shaman doesn’t have any answers. Parkman thinks he can stop this tragedy from happening, but Shaman still has cryptic answers. He invites him into his hut. The answers will cost you.

Come on in. I have Monopoly.

Costa Verde, California, Casa de Bennet

Adopted Mama vs Baby Mama: FIGHT!

Mama B and Meredith (who’s reading The National Enquirer or USA Today) throw down over the best way to handle Claire. It’s a great, tense scene between the two, as Mama B reveals she got a call from school asking where Claire was all day. Meredith doesn’t look very contrite as she explains that she thought of a better way to keep Claire safe. Mama B holds her ground, explaining she’s been the one who changed Claire’s diapers and raised her, referring to Claire as “my daughter” in a very badass manner. They debate the merits of each of their approaches, as Meredith implies that Mama B is suffocating Claire metaphorically, without revealing that she in turn suffocated Claire literally. Mr. Muggles, what would you do to keep Claire from running away?

A ring at the door reveals it’s the nice cheerleader from last season. Claire comes running down the stairs with an overnight bag and her cheer uniform still in its drycleaning sleeve. Hmm. Suspicious. Don’t let her go, Mama B! First it’s the mall food court, next it’s Vegas! Anyway, I plan on never forgetting the sneaky teenager tricks my friends would pull on their parents so that if I ever had kids, I’ll totally call them out on their shit. I was lucky enough to have parents who didn’t care where I went, as long as I told them. I spent most of my high school years in disbelief that they’d even let me go to see punk rock shows that would start at midnight on a school night. I’d come home at 3 and then do my homework diligently, nap for an hour or two, and then run off to marching band practice at 6 am. Yes, I was a nerd. What of it? Claire pretends that she’s forgotten about a cheerleading retreat and secures permission to leave. So long, suckas.

Reseda, California

Oh, Reseda. You’re the San Fernando Valley, i.e. PornLand, but I love you for giving us The Karate Kid (and its sequel with Hilary Swank, lulz) and A Kid in King Arthur’s Court.

“Baba wawa?” an old man answers the door. It’s Dr. Zimmerman! When she corrects him, Tracy is stunned that he knows she’s from Beverly Hills. She asks him if he knows her. Well, he says, I created you. BOOM SHAKA LAKA, SHAKA LAKA.

Desert of Broken Dreams

A turtle snacks on a faded copy of 9th Wonders, Isaac’s comic book, beloved by Micah. Whatever happened to Monica/St. Joan, anyway? Between Shaman and Isaac, I bet there’s a whole union full of starving artists who paint the future. Parkman has poop smeared onto his cheeks, and he’s eating some white paint the hipster’s made for him. Mmm, paint. Parkman doesn’t think it’s working, until the shaman puts his headphones on. Yay, mushroom soup plus ambient trip-hop! If that doesn’t help you see the future, nothing will.

Mohinder’s voice over signals the end of this episode, as Nathan reads the Book of Genesis (Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins not included). Everyone’s looking for answers. Micah holds the photo of Niki close to himself, and Claire’s driving somewhere in the dark with the Primatech box next to her. Hiro and Ando are locked up in the minimum security cell at The Company, and Flint’s deposited in a new one by Sylar. Sylar sadly reports to Mama P that she was wrong about him, and she hands him some PJs and ushers him off to bed for milk and cookies and some Good night, Moon.

I’ve invented a car! A Delorian! It can take us all over time, my friend!

The Level 5 cell closes, and Bennet and The Haitian have been reunited. “Am I being replaced?” asks the Haitian sadly. Aw, someone doesn’t feel special anymore. Just give him your half of the BFF necklace. “Just for a little while,” reassures Bennet. “I’m going to study him and find his weakness. And then I’m going to kill him.”

CHUN CHUN! Next week, on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit…I find a way to recap from the future, and drink your milkshake while doing it.