Heroes: Igpay Atinlay is The Only Latin I know. Here, Eat Some Dung, See the Future, and Let’s Call it a Day.

Previously on Heroes…the episode had a semi-legible title. This week, I give you “Eris Quod Sum,” which is Latin for “Yes, We Have No Bananas. Just Creepy Old Men. And Badass Sylar.” Oh, also “You Will Be What I Am.” What am I? Soon to be unemployed, so I really hope you won’t become that.

I know the feeling. How many times can you call your boss a jackass before it catches up to you?

But really, here’s the quick and dirty version of what happened. When we met our Heroes/Villains last, Peter knocked Sylar out and hooked him up to yet another IV, Peter got his face sucked off, Dementor-style, by Papa Petrelli, who now has his powers and basically everyone else’s, Maya got jizz-webbed by Mohinder, Tracy and Nathan get sedated by Mohinder and Tracy froze Mohinder’s hand, and the Puppet Man Eric Doyle makes the gals (Mama Bennet, Claire and a useless Meredith) play Russian roulette before Claire knocks him out with a root beer bottle.

Claire finds a Pinehearst card and spends half an hour trying to sound out the words, and Hiro and Ando finally meet the black Isaac in the desert. Hiro gets knocked out repeatedly with a shovel before he figures out he can sneak up on the mindreader just like Snake in Metal Gear Solid. Also, I’m kinda jobless after this Thursday, so please pardon my delinquency – I’ve been trying to figure out how to literally not starve. If you or someone you know is hiring, please let me know. I’m almost even willing to be Amy Strozzi’s assistant. Almost.

I’ll need some references. And your soul.

Spirit Walk Central, Desert of Dung

“I will not go back in time!” squeals Hiro. Ando tells him that’s the only way, and he has to take these risks. Tell me that Hiro hasn’t frozen time and squeezed the boobies of hot girls he sees during his travels. Black Isaac watches (I got tired of calling him the hipster/shaman/future-seer,k?). In the stenciled future-paintings, Knox is knocking a giant hole through a wall/enormous slab of steak, Papa Petrelli is standing in front of an ominous red background, and a man in a sweater vest is slicing open a skull. Is it Future Sylar/reformed Gabriel?

Hiro adamantly refuses to go back in time, lest he get trapped in another shitty storyline involving feudal Japan and falling cherry blossoms. “What could be worse? The end of the world?” says Ando. That’s only marginally better than being stuck with that homewrecker Yaeko and putzing around in a kimono.

Black Isaac intones that evil forces are gathering, and that the dark sign rises – soon it will be too late! Voldemort will eat all their souls and make them slow dance to “All My Life” by KC and Jo Jo. FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN. This episode’s “The More You Know” gem goes like this: Will you choose your path, or will it find you and clobber you in the head and then hump your leg after it knocks you down? Why would you ever pick the first one?

The end of ice cream?

Mohinder’s Laboratory of Embarrassing Rashes

Tracy managed to shatter her cuffs last week, and freed Nathan too. However, before they have a chance to fly through the roof, Mohinder springs to his feet and barks that he’s just trying to help Maya, because he promised to reverse her powers. He’s pissed that Tracy and Nathan don’t want to volunteer as his human samples, since they have the synthetic abilities and would be perfect test cases. Anywho, for some reason or other, Mohinder grabs Maya from her jizz-nest and leaps through the glass ceiling with her. Well, that’s one way to overcome gender inequality, Maya.

Pinehearst, Peter’s head

Peter’s having acid flashbacks, and boy are they hazy. Nathan’s telling him that their dad is dead in Season 1, and that their father was flawed in more ways than they knew. Cut to Papa Petrelli in silky blue pajamas in the wooden bed that looks like the wardrobe that leads to Narnia. Given what that man did last week in sapping his own son of powers, I’m pretty sure he ate Mr. Tumnus and all his woodland fauna friends, bloody rare. Peter recalls his dad trying to molest him with a hug, and remembers getting his soul sucked out of his face. Well, tough love, kiddo.

Peter screams and bolts upright, only to find himself handcuffed to a gurney. Ah yes, the restraint of choice on this show. So very effective, yet…not. Papa Petrelli is reading Nietzsche, which means the dude’s a nihilist. That’s even worst than the Machiavelli-toting Bennet and Mama Petrelli. You don’t fuck with nihilists. They care about NOTHING, Lebowski.

Well at least you’ve still got your mediocre at best acting ability! No one can take that away!

Papa Petrelli informs Peter that he’s taken his powers forever, and that he had to lie to Peter and Nathan in order to make plans to help the greater good. Peter’s freaking out and shouts that he’s seen the future (who hasn’t?) and that neighborhoods get nuked, all the world’s unicorns die, and that he’ll prevent the future from happening. Also, revenge on Papa Petrelli for everything that he’s ever done, because that is the Petrelli way. Papa Petrelli tries to wheedle Peter for maybe two seconds, then switches into steel discipline mode. The guy has a heart smaller than Mr. Grinch. Peter’s still yapping about stopping him and the forces of evil, Papa Petrelli’s all, “LOL NO,” and informs his son that until he changes that attitude, he’s grounded. And no liquids after 7 pm, or he’ll wet the bed.

Casa de Bennet driveway, Costa Verde

Mama Bennet and Claire share a Lifetime/Mom Swap moment, after Claire whines that they just starred in a human puppet show, Dad’s working with a serial killer, and that she doesn’t feel pain. Also, homecoming’s next week! Mama Bennet warmly tells her daughter that she’s proud of her, and our warm fuzzy feeling is rudely interrupted by the house lights flickering a la the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. Seriously, people, install some CFL’s.

Question: Why would you enter the house when the lights are freaking out? Why? Have you learned nothing? Didn’t your last house blow up?

If Eddie Murphy’s in there doing funny voices I swear to God I’ll shoot him.

Claire and Mama Bennet enter cautiously to find the lights spazzing out and Lyle knocked out on the floor of the foyer. He looks like a teenage Doc Brown with frizzy hair. Claire immediately finds a twitchy Elle at the computer, trying to diagnose herself using Web MD. Elle’s so frazzled, down to the trembling in her voice as she tries to chirp “Heyyyy, cheerleader” that you can’t help but think of Jessie Spano overdosing on caffeine pills. The SATS were mega-hard. Claire shoots daggers at Elle. Bring it On! (5)

Elle quickly confides that she’s here to get what she came for, shooting feeble electric sparks at Claire. Fortunately for Claire, she can’t feel any pain and isn’t incapacitated at all. Elle flips out and screams, as her plan is backfiring, literally, as she wheezes from the effort it takes to sustain a bolt of electricity. Man, I haven’t seen anything that pathetic since my wind-up sparking dinosaur toy sputtered and died.

Lyle, being the strapping young lad that he is, recently watched Wicked at the Pantages theater in LA, and flings a bucket of water on Elle. She is immediately subdued, and slides to the kitchen floor like Angelina Jolie in Girl, Interrupted. Where’s Bennet when you need him?

Popular! You’re gonna be pop-u-oo-lar!

Pinehearst Castle

Mohinder’s made it to the promised land with Maya. He meets Papa Petrelli outside in the hallway, while Maya’s strapped to a gurney inside the “operating” room. Mohinder’s aghast to see that Papa Petrelli’s alive, and indignantly asks him what would drive him to put his children through such an ordeal. “Have you met their mother?” asks Papa Petrelli, pointedly. Good point.

Mohinder babbles for a bit about how he made a promise to Maya to remove her abilities and to stop her from suffering. And so he could bone her and try the really freaky-deaky stuff without causing her to panic and accidentally kill him. Papa Petrelli boasts, “Watch this,” and enters the room. Maya’s dressed in a hospital gown, which is the most conservative outfit we’ve seen her in all season. For a second, I hope that Maya freaks out and kills Papa Petrelli, but then we’d run out of fun and still be stuck with Maybelline Massacre. She looks pregnant, by the way. Papa Petrelli holds onto Maya’s shoulders and she convulses as though someone’s shocking her heart or playing crazy Baptist revival preacher with her body. Papa P’s eyes fill up with the blackness and then quickly resume to normal. Ruh roh. Ghostface Killah Coma Eyes!

Maya breaks out into a grin and she looks convincingly calm. That is, until Mohinder walks in and tries to apologize and she starts to go apeshit like J.Lo after inhaling too much hairspray. Get this lady a restraining order and some Valium.

Papa Petrelli manages to separate the two, and Mohinder asks incredulously how Papa P can be sure he’s taken the entire ability away, and if he can do that to everyone. Papa P asks Mohinder if he really wants to be normal again, which is something we know the answer to. Mohinder is an insecure scientist, so he’ll jump at the chance to be special. He also wants to have his cake (the powers) and eat it too (get rid of the pesky side effects).

They enter a new lab, where Papa Petrelli doesn’t even bother to introduce Mohinder to Generic Scientist #4. The formula halves have been found, and SCANNED, can you believe it? However, Pinehearst lacks the technology to digitally combine the halves into a whole, so Mohinder will have to look at the split formula on two different screens that are more than three feet apart. Sorry, at least they’re not Dell monitors.

Someone get this girl some gum.

Papa Petrelli does all but order Mohinder to improve the formula, and Mohinder gets uppity for two seconds, accusing Papa Petrelli of having a hidden agenda and self-serving motivations, before his hubris kicks in with a “Oh fuck it, we need test subjects! Muahahahahah!” Maybe a side effect of the shitty serum is impaired reasoning skills and a lack of stubbornness. Soon this will be a major turf war between Primatech, Pinehearst, and the letter P. Go Team Petrelli!

Level 5, Primatech Paper Pickled Pepper Plant

Mama Petrelli’s in a coma somewhere in the building, and Sylar’s still strapped to the IV. Suddenly, Mama Petrelli appears in her son’s cell, which means Sylar’s powers are overruling the sugar water Peter’s piping into his nose and he’s able to maintain cognitive control over the situation. In his vision/dream, Mama Petrelli tells Sylar to sack up and get the hell out of there. Sylar whimpers a bit that he wants to be in the cage and have his abilities blocked, because he’s a monster. Virtual Mama tells Sylar he doesn’t know the half of what he’s capable of, and to show ‘em all why he’s her favorite. Make Mommy proud! Ah, bliss to an abused child’s ears. Whatever, Mama P, we all know you gave birth to Sarah Palin and her $150,000 gold-plated, caribou-encrusted wardrobe makeover is what’s really making you proud. For that price, your tweed suit of evil wipes your ass and kisses it when you go #2.

Mommy Visions make Sylar one strong boy. He snaps the straps off like they were made of licorice whips and flings the door open like it’s made of gingerbread. Yes, the portions in T.Voland are meager so I like to play this game called “Imagine Food.” Typing it out is almost as good as having it! Sylar kisses catatonic Mama P tenderly on the forehead and tells her he’ll save Peter and make her proud. It’s still creepy.

Casa de Bennet, Heroes Halfway House

Elle’s short circuiting and overloading all over the place like a relapsed druggie hobo in Golden Gate Park. She’s trembling, and she can’t eat or sleep. She can’t control her powers ever since the bout with Sylar. Elle confides that Daphne found her and tried to recruit her to go to Pinehearst, but that she didn’t want to go without knowing what the deal was. People, you should really try Google, or at least The Smoking Gun for these things.

Naturally, Elle went to Bennet’s house to get answers, but instead just got wet t-shirt contest’ed. Claire gets the retarded gleam in her eye and ponders, “What if there’s something wrong with all of us and they can fix it?” Yes, Claire, there really are altruistic, giving people out there who will fix you for free. They’re called Canadians, and they have universal health care. Pinehurst is in New Jersey, you twit. Close, blondie, close.

Or you could just wait for the inevitable to happen.

Elle grits her teeth and snits that Claire’s perfect, and that she’s not, what could she possibly need since she’s still healing? Claire waxes emo about how she can’t feel pain and how it’s a shame she still cares about the world because she’s thisclose to becoming an apathetic nihilist who doesn’t touch up her highlights regularly or get pedicures. Elle whimpers a bit more about being in agony from her chronic arthritis and hemorrhoids and PMS and that electric sparks issue. Claire’s face lights up and she asks Elle to prom. Prom that’s conveniently being held at Pinehearst.

Claire gets excited about this ingenious and cleverly inventive idea. Let’s go visit a company whose card you last saw at the Puppet Dungeon Master’s Playhouse, the same card you saw in the possession of the tortured Vortex Man who threw himself into an infinity black hole, a company that Elle is clearly suspicious of since Daphne isn’t the most convincing recruiter. Genius, really. It’s called Wikipedia, and you should try it sometime.

So yes, let’s take a trip to visit the Wonderful Wizard and not do any research or bring along real adults with useful powers, or even any tasers, since one blondie has passive regenerative powers and the other blondie is bound to accidentally short circuit the plane, train and/or automobile the duo takes to New Jersey. New Jersey, where only the strong survive, need I remind you. Who needs weapons when you have heart? May this end just like Thelma and Louise, but with more fire.

And less Brad Pitt.

Pinehearst Castle o’ Pain

Daphne enters the room to a stern Papa Petrelli, who informs her that she has a mess to clean up regarding Matt Parkman. Gulp. Papa Parkman’s present as well. Knox is there to smell her fear – he’s starting to remind me of dogs that sniff your crotch because they know you’re on your period – and Daphne attempts to save her butt. Fail.

Papa Petrelli informs our favorite Speedster that her assignment has changed. She not only has to revisit Parkman, she has to kill him. Daphne freaks. Arthur, aka Papa Parkman, also freaks out, surprisingly, since his actions last season indicated that he didn’t really care if his son lived or died.

Papa Parkman stands in between Papa Petrelli and Daphne, pleading with Papa Petrelli that he’d pledged his loyalty in exchange for saving his son. Deal or no deal? NO DEAL! Also, the suitcase is full of dirty underwear. Papa Parkman’s incredulous that Papa Petrelli could even go back on their deal, and retardedly doesn’t use his powers to trap Papa Petrelli. You have powers to read and control minds, goddammit! Be useful for once!

Do you think Papa Petrelli already stole Papa Parkman’s powers? And picked a peck of pickled peppers while he was at it? I have so many questions.

Well, never mind the questions. Papa Petrelli, with a flick of his hand, snaps Papa Parkman’s neck. Papa Parkman slumps to the ground immediately. “Thanks for your loyalty,” smarms Papa Petrelli. Ice cold. Bitch is the new black, Tina Fey was right.

The Fear Factor in the room is through the roof, as Daphne begs for another way out. It’s not going to be pretty, Speedster. Oh hey, on a side note, where in the world is Molly?

No, I won’t throw a piece of popcorn into your mouth. Get to work.

Casa de Bennet, Claire’s bedroom

Mama Bennet vainly tries to get Claire to stay put. Well, Mama B, Claire can’t actually do anything useful besides regenerate, so theoretically you could technically tie her to a chair or handcuff her to the shower. Personally, I’d cut her in half and keep the parts separate so she can’t run away again. Half in the freezer and half in the closet next to the Christmas decorations. It’s for her own good! And she can’t feel pain, so to hell with the maternal guilt. I really hope that if I ever have children, despite the fact that I do not have childbearing hips and it has been decided by my friends and family that I would probably die during the act of childbirth, they won’t read these recaps and think I’m an awful person. Once they can read, I’m totally giving them a disclaimer about how I’m going to hell and by the transitive property, they probably are going too.

Mama B makes some valid points about how they don’t know anything about Pinehurst except their use of double helix clip art on their logo and how the name sounds like a dishwashing soap. Hee. Somehow, Claire convinces her NOT to call Papa Bennet, by claiming that only she (Claire) can fix the thing that’s broken inside of her. I’m not sure how Mama B can agree to this so soon after the Puppet Playhousepalooza, but Lyle’s hair needs some thermal straightening and that’ll take hours at the beauty salon. She reminds Claire that if Elle gets sassy, just toss a glass of water on her, “Lyle style.” Also, if she says no, and you do anyway, that’s rape. The more you know!

Mohinder’s apartment, NYC

Remember when Parkman and Mohinder were on the set of My Two Dads and Parkman was the stay-at-home, sandwich-making parent with Molly? I sorta miss those days.

He rifles through some of Mohinder’s stuff and quickly whirls around because Daphne shows up with a gun. That’s about the last thing he expected to see, since he’s so ga-ga for a girl just because he saw it in his future spirit walk/hallucination. I mean, dude, what if she’s vegan? Is that not a dealbreaker for you?

Daphne and Parkman have the predictable back and forth about how she has to kill him, no she doesn’t, yes she does, oh, turn around, Parkman, because she can’t handle shooting him in the face. He tries to read his mind and reason with her, and I’d like to think that Parkman is able to read through any ulterior motives she may have. Daphne hasn’t been able to quit her recruiting gig with Pinehearst, and I think they have her on lockdown, especially since she kept saying she has no choice but to do their bidding.

Throw a piece of popcorn into my mouth or I will kill you.

With his back to a trembling Daphne, Parkman tells her creepy things, like how they get married and start a family together, and how they’re gonna love each other and she HAS NO CHOICE SO SHE BETTER NOT KILL HIM. Daphne drops the gun and starts crying, and says that it happened so fast that she didn’t know what to do. Parkman quickly gleans that Papa Petrelli killed his dad, but what else does he find out? They won’t tell us. Is Daphne going to wussy out and get Parkman killed? Are they going to do it in Mohinder’s bed?

Pinehearst, Peter Petrelli’s room

Papa Petrelli enters Peter’s room with a couple of paid peons to find the gurney empty. Peter screams and tries to fling a chair at the entourage, yelling that Papa Petrelli thinks he’s better than everyone else. Peter, your dad is an elitist asshole who probably went to Princeton, yes. Papa Petrelli calmly says that he doesn’t just think he’s better, that it’s a fact. Ha. Also, Peter will help him get this done, whether he likes it or not. Can we negotiate a deal, like no TV and dessert for a month? I’d rather do that than be one of Mohinder’s test subjects. Hmm, well, everything Mama P said about Papa Petrelli being eager to inject Nathan with the original formula seems to be adding up. The man loves offering his children up to Science.

In the Pinehearst Lab, Mohinder creepily says hello to Peter, and explains that Peter’s metabolism is primed for accepting new abilities, making him an ideal test case for the new and improved formula. Oh yeah, Mohinder must’ve smoothed all the bugs out of the previous iteration in what, half an hour? It would take me longer to download this ep–err, watch this on Hulu.com than that.

Mohinder eagerly asks Peter what he looks like in the future, and Peter racks his brain to recall that Mohinder’s “changed” into something “like a monster.” Peter Petrelli is the best eyewitness ever. If I ever wanted to get away with murder, I’d have Peter be a witness. The cops would nab an entirely different person based on his descriptions.

You were tall. And dark. And you were wearing a sweater. A hoodie? No, a wifebeater. Wait isn’t this about me?

Peter huffs that Mohinder can help stop this, but Mohinder’s convinced all is futile and it’s too late anyway. Just as Mohinder’s about to jam the needle filled with Super Serum v2.0 into Peter’s arm, someone flicks the needle away. For a nanosecond, I’m like, “What? Peter kept a power by accident?”

We look up and there’s Sylar in the hallway, badass in a black suit. Sylar swats Suresh aside with a cool, “Hello, Mohinder” and subtly flicks his finger to instantly kill the Unnamed Generic Scientist #4. That’s real ultimate power, and it’s mighty sexy.

Peter’s face lights up like a Christmas tree and squeals, “You came for me!” Sylar nonchalantly tells him, “That’s what brothers are for, they look out for each other,” as he unties Peter. Unfortunately, Sylar must have slightly delayed reactions, because Mohinder pounces and starts bashing Sylar’s head in against the concrete, causing him to bleed all over the pristine floor. Sigh. At least Sylar can’t die, right? Unless Papa Petrelli takes the power away. But can Papa Petrelli theoretically take Sylar’s power of regeneration away if he already has it, through Adam? Does his Power Sucking Power recognize a duplicate power and leave it alone, or does it let you toss it into the folder, like duplicate songs in your iTunes? I hate when my songs duplicate on iTunes, by the way.

Do I look cuter 8 ft tall or just normal? Is black slimming? LOVE ME! PLEASE LOVE ME!

Anywho, Papa Petrelli shows up and shoots some blue sparks at Peter, who manages to run away like a gold medal winner at the Special Olympics. I mean, that’s about how much skill it takes to get away from Pinehearst, apparently, since the henchmen are nowhere to be seen. Mohinder whines that Sylar’s killed tons of people and that he should be allowed to bash his brains in. Papa Petrelli, on the other hand, tells Mohinder to stop, because Sylar is his son, one who he’s been waiting for…for a long time. Are we sure Papa Petrelli’s the baby daddy? The whole powersucking/hunger parallel makes sense. I’m guessing Nathan had a different baby daddy.

Mohinder’s Lab

Tracy and Nathan just sit there looking at the jizz nests, as if they had just finished having a delightful tea party. Tracy stupidly pokes at the rubber cement surrounding one of the humans that Mohinder clobbered. Scary suspenseful music ensues, so of course the humans inside the jizz nests are still partially alive, you cognitively-impaired hussy. The hand of the meathead guy from Apt. 4 shoots out and tries to strangle her. He’s totally pissed that he has to sit there and listen to her uneducated guesses.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how much you love/hate Niki/Jessica/Tracy, Bennet’s taser saves the day from quite a distance. He’s not alone. What would we do without tasers?! Be the useless walking eye candy that is Meredith, duh.

Meredith, who defies the notion that one’s powers could actually, you know, be used and useful, does her usual routine of extending her hand out to shoot a few flames out of her palm. Um. She’s done this since the first time we met her, when she extended her palm to reveal her powers to Claire. Yeah. That’s all she does. It’s very, “Hi, I’m Meredith! I have perky breasts and bouncy hair and oh, flame on! Tee hee, I make flames! KTHXBAI!” At least Flint torches things…and people.

I have a suggestion: Give powers to characters who will actually use them for something, and not just as vanity plates/calling cards. If I wanted to emulate Meredith, I’d just run around flicking a Zippo lighter open everytime someone introduced me.

Anywho, the two women in Nathan’s life face off, as Meredith snarks, “Hi Nathan, I see you’ve still got a weakness for blondes.” Tracy’s face is priceless, probably because she’s not a real blonde.

Who’s this blonde slut you’ve been cheating on with me. You’re so getting blue balls.

Flight 93

Elle and Claire are on a half-empty plane to New Jersey. I’m not sure how they got the funds for last-minute flights, but maybe they used Kayak.com or their feminine wiles. Elle’s fidgety and nervous, and admits she has a fear of flying as she starts sparking. Oh great, put the bitch who can’t control her emotionally-triggered electric overloads onto a freakin’ airplane next to someone who manages to piss her off inadvertently ALL THE TIME.

There’s a little nemesis-talk about how Elle’s outburst unleashed the prisoners of Level 5, and how Claire had to clean up the mess by putting Doyle away. Elle forlornly mutters that she wasn’t good at being an agent, and that her dad pushed her into it, despite her wanting nothing to do with it. She gets more visibly upset and sends a powerful jolt into the metal armrest, which of course disrupts the plane’s power source. Ah. I see what they did there. Anyway, the plane’s nose starts tilting down and passengers panic and start fighting over the liquor cart as Claire forces Elle to dump the electricity into Claire’s body. Good thing our cheerleader can’t feel pain anymore.

Well, whaddaya know, it worked. And our two resident hotties are holding hands! It was all a ploy for lipstick lesbianism, and friendship! The guy across the aisle from them basically has his hand on the bulge in his pants while mouthing the words, “Make out.” Grins all around, and then Elle and Claire quickly disengage their hands like they’ve touched a hot stove. Fortunately, Claire’s hand heals immediately.

Flamer.

Mohinder’s Apartment

Daphne and Parkman talk in hushed tones about how she’s scared and how they need a plan. She clearly knows Knox is coming for her, but what’s she going to do about it? Knox overhears the end of the conversation while creeping up the hallway. Daphne’s freaking out and we hear Parkman telling her to stick to the plan. This is too obvious. Knox slams the door open and starts getting off on their “fear.” I use quotation marks because if Parkman has any sense at all, he’d be able to sense Knox’s thoughts in the hallway and prepare an illusion in time for the door blasting open.

Daphne attempts to run away, apologizing to Parkman, but manages to slam into Knox’s arm and falls back onto the floor. Hrm, that wouldn’t happen in real life, she’s just too fast for him. I’m thinking maybe the illusion’s already begun. Parkman snarls at Knox a bit about how he can incapacitate him and make him eat his worst nightmares. Knox ‘s arms, poised to pound, are temporarily frozen. However, he boasts that he can still thrive on fear, and manages to slam his entire fist and arm through Parkman. Ouch. I wonder if he can use his pinky finger to punch neat holes in paper for filing and binding purposes? Okay, I’m really hoping this is all an illusion and that Daphne is just playing dead. Parkman, on the other hand, can’t regenerate a soup can-sized hole that goes through both sides of his chest.

Aw. Cutest death ever.

Knox struts off, satisfied with his work and not bothering to check if Daphne still has a pulse. Ten seconds later, unconscious Daphne and hole-y Parkman disappear in a poof. Use your illusions! Parkman beams and says that his mind mojo jojo works, while Daphne gives him a quick kiss. Too obvious. She’s got something up her sleeve, she can’t be that easily won over by a pudgy psychic.

Daphne tries to convince Parkman to run away with her, but he’s determined to stick it out and put an end to everything. It’s off to Primatech we go. You can tell Daphne’s not pleased, because she thinks she just lost her only chance to really run away. Oh, hey, Speedster? Don’t try to lie to someone who can read your mind. It just won’t work. Go ahead, genius, try and lie to Parkman.

Awhile later, she calls up Papa Petrelli to tell him she’s accomplished her goal, and to not send her back to the gutter/trailer park where she came from. She perkily gives him a hug, and he acts like he’s eating it up. Come on, Parkman, I expect more of a man who brought a turtle back from Africa illegally.

Showdown at the Alamo, Pinehearst v. Primatech

Back at Papa Petrelli Enterprises, Flint struts in and announces that Peter’s long gone. Meanwhile, Sylar’s legs are dangling in the air. Papa Petrelli looks incredibly pleased with himself and says that someone was supposed to recruit Sylar. Hrm. He informs Sylar that Mama Petrelli’s done terrible things as well, but Sylar defends her, explaining that she accepts him for who he is. Papa Petrelli does the good parents/bad parent thing, cranking up the manipulation level and explaining Mama P will only discard Sylar after she’s done with him, just like all of the broken condoms she encountered over the years.

It’s touching that Sylar tries to defend Mama P, especially right before Papa Petrelli drops the attempted infanticide story on him. Apparently, when Sylar was a baby, Mama Petrelli had a dream where she saw the “monster” Sylar would become, and freaked out so much, she tried to kill him by shoving him to the bottom of the tub. Yikes. How do we know it wasn’t Papa Petrelli’s idea, since Mama P probably saw Sylar taking over Papa P’s abilities or something ridiculous like that?

Sylar stupidiy tries to argue that Mama Petrelli sees him as a hero, but I think Sylar’s intentionally trying to look naïve. He’s never been one to show all of his cards at once.

Meanwhile, downstairs in the lobby, Mohinder and Maya have an awkward talk about how she’s killed people and wants to make amends now that she doesn’t have her killing powers anymore, plus a passport and cash and a suitcase. However, Maya’s not having it, and she tells him to get well, strutting off like the hooker we all know she can be. Bon voyage, Dunder Twin! Alejandro doesn’t miss you at all.

Call me when you’re…well, when you’re ready to not stick me to a wall in a cocoon of hand boogars.

Outside of the Pinehearst offices, Elle and Claire have almost made it to the end of the Yellow Brick Road. At this point, Claire’s basically dragging Elle to the finish line, which is almost touching. Elle moans that Claire’s been nothing but sweet to her, and that she’s been a mega-bitch to Claire, and that only makes her hate the cheerleader more. Aw, there’s a girl who enjoys schadenfreude.

Claire tops off the syrupy friendship sundae by thanking Elle for helping her figure out who she really is, because she was ready to live in denial. They bond for .02 seconds before Elle jokes that it’s good to know Claire’s as messed up as she is.

Peter, who’s managed to dodge Mohinder and get into the elevator at Pinehearst unnoticed by security cameras, finds Sylar in Papa Petrelli’s office. He frantically tries to convince Sylar to leave, but Sylar’s not budging. Oh noes. Papa Petrelli will be back any second! Yup, he’s here.

Frantic, Peter hisses at Sylar, “Just kick his ass and let’s get out of here!” HEH. Don’t wake Daddy! Apparently, Papa Petrelli hasn’t taken away Sylar’s powers. Wonder how they negotiated that deal? Sylar responds by sending Peter flying through plate glass down seven stories. That’s going to hurt in the morning.

Alright, girls. You’re both pretty.

Of course, Claire and Elle are right beneath the building at this point, and Peter nearly lands on the two of them. Claire rushes over to Peter and starts helping him limp away, shocked that he’s still alive despite losing his powers. Elle, in a stroke of inspired brilliance, decides that the people inside Pinehearst must be decent good-hearted folks who can take away her powers and make her better, even though someone inside just sent Peter flying to his theoretical death. For that, I award Elle the Darwin Heroes Award for 2008 for critical thinking and clear decision making in terminally retarded situations.

Back at Mohinder’s Lab o’ Fun

After some hilariously fun and awkward introductions (“Guess who I bonked in high school and had no idea that I got pregnant? That chick over there!”), Tracy’s sorting out that Bennet is Claire’s adopted father, Nathan is Claire’s biological father, and that Meredith is Claire’s biological mother. One of these things is not like the other, all right. Do I see a future for Tracy as Claire’s future sorta-stepmom? Eh. Bennet insists that Nathan and Tracy come in to Primatech in order to make sure they’re still normalish. Ah, that’s code for “painful implanted ID tags” and “cavity search.”

Sally Jesse Raphael would have been proud.

The two women stare each other down, sizing the other up, as Nathan tries to excuse himself. They represent polar opposites. Oh hey, see what they did there? Fire and Ice. Both of which burn. Will they all burn up in the nuclear holocaust? So symbolic! You can see a future filled with the promise of alternating hot and cold. Also, threesomes.

Tracy’s disdain of Meredith is evident, and I don’t blame her. Meredith is absolutely useless. Who will reign supreme? Meredith warns Tracy to “watch out for that one.” Stop your worrying, Mere, Tracy voted for McCain.

Nathan gets a call for Claire, who quickly begs him not to tell Papa Bennet where she is. That’s probably not the daddy that Mama Bennet wanted you to call, Claire Bear.

Pinehearst, Office with the Broken Window

“Peter’s not gonna give up, you know,” says Sylar. Papa Petrelli admits that they all have revenge in their blood, and he’d really have it no other way. They marvel that Peter managed to survive the fall at all, which leads me to believe that Sylar is still figuring things out. He saved Peter’s life, and he’s playing the game long enough with his dad in order to see what to do next.

Peter Petrelli Lives

Nathan and Tracy show up at the apartment where Peter’s trying to recuperate in a bed. Claire, it’s called an emergency room. Use it. Claire sets her eyes on Tracy for the first time, and I’m sure even she’s like, “Goddamn, I thought this woman died awhile back? Along with DL, right?”

Peter quickly spills the beans on Papa Petrelli being alive, to Nathan’s shock/amazement. Also, Papa Petrelli will kill them all. He’s absolutely right. Nathan’s incredulous and in disbelief that someone could be in a coma for that long or dupe his family into thinking he was dead. Hello, you have powers of flying and your girlfriend can freeze things and your brother can pick up anyone’s power, buddy – you can afford to believe in some crazy things. Claire chimes in with the ever-insightful, “Dads aren’t always what they seem,” as a jab to both of her daddies.

Nathan demands to know where Papa Petrelli is, and Peter refuses to tell him. Unfortunately, Claire blabs that everyone’s partying at Pinehearst. Peter tries to get Nathan to promise not to go directly to the source of evil, but we know how well all of *those* pleas work.

Tracy recognizes Pinehearst as the biotech firm that she’s been consulting at for over a year, as Peter tries to reason in vain with Nathan. Nathan tries to reassure his brother, saying he’ll just call the justice department to shut it down. LULZ NO, Pinehearst is probably privately owned, Senator. And you’ll need a little more than a phone to just shut down a company, especially one that’s so ubiquitous it’s basically the Google of Heroesland (Primatech’s more of a Cisco). Seriously, EVERYONE works for that place or gets roped into joining or at least has a friend there. I bet Pinehearst even offers childcare and all the free Naked juice you could ever want. Sweet. Besides, we know Nathan’s going to stupidly fly into the place and demand his father stop his nefarious plans. And fail. And maybe die.

Desert of Dung

Black Isaac is concocting a recipe that’s been in his family for thousands of years. Yes, well, thousands of years ago, you didn’t have Hot Pockets, so maybe you should try eating some of those instead. Black Isaac chastises Hiro for not going back in time, and Hiro continues to insist it screws up the timeline (it probably does). Well, good thing for this delicious mixture of paste from tree bark and dung. You’ll never think Slim Jims are disgusting ever again. Hiro chokes it down, proclaiming it “Derishush!” while Ando turns his nose up at it. “Spirit walk sounds much safer than time travel,” sighs Hiro. And now what?

Don’t eat poo. Duh.

You wait for your eyes to glaze over with white and topple over, that’s what. This was all a ruse to steal Pikachu’s wallet, FYI. Will Hiro ever come back from his spirit walk, or will he just get distracted by more boobs? Why don’t they ever hand powers (and common sense) to heroes who can use them quickly and efficiently? There can only be one Petrelli to rule them all. What company would you invest in, Primatech or Pinehearst? My money’s still on Peter Piper and his Pickled Pepper Plant.