Heroes: Magic Jello

This week, Heroes doesn’t suck so much!

One day I’m gonna be an adult and not screw everything up. NOT!

We start where we left off last week. Claire and Hiro are watching Daddy Sulu hand off baby Claire to HRG. HRG’s like “baby? I ain’t ready for no baby!” and Daddy Sulu’s all “you ready! Me no asky!” He bends a little and promises the help of Steve Guttenberg and Tom Selleck if HRG really gets in a bind. Did you know that Star Trek’s Spock directed Three Men and a Baby? News to me. I just found out when I googled Guttenberg. I also found a video of Steve Guttenberg jogging through Central Park with no shorts on. Seriously. The things I’m learning at this gig.

Point is, Claire and Hiro watch all this go down from the greenhouse, where they try to get past their language barrier. Claire wants to know how the hell she got back to the past and what she’s supposed to do there, but all Hiro knows from one semester in English is “where is the bathroom?” “me want waffle” and “sucky fucky five dolla”.

Uh…waffle then.

Daddy Sulu tells HRG to scram and calls Kid Hiro, who is way more intelligent and mature than Adult Hiro pretending to be ten, inside to see his mommy. AdultKid Hiro yelps MOMMY! and follows them inside to the master bedroom, where Kid Hiro’s mommy is sick. She gives the kid hugs and he’s back to his Game Boy while she talks to Daddy Sulu about how she’s gonna drop dead tonight and they need to make arrangements for the catalyst. He gets tears in his eyes, but she tells him to drop the act. “You are free to have big a gay wedding tomorrow.” At that news, he cheers up and confirms that he won’t be inviting William Shatner to Big Gay Wedding ceremony. Wait til the future! Shatner’s gonna be pissed!

Daddy Sulu says he is going to call HRG and have him bring back the baby to put the catalyst in. Dude, why didn’t you just do it when you had the chance? Like five minutes ago? I always thought of Daddy Sulu as being a bit more organized than that. Mommy Sulu doesn’t want to put it in the baby, she wants to put it in Kid Hiro, but Daddy S won’t hear of it because Kid Hiro is mildly retarded and can’t even get a four line puzzle block on Tetris. She says they can argue about it later. Later? Aren’t you gonna die like any second?

Daddy S goes to order a groom and groom wedding cake topper and think about it, leaving Kid Hiro and Mommy Sulu alone. There is a birdcage next to the bed (that can’t be healthy for a sick woman. Just saying) with a dying dove in it. Kid Hiro is all upset about it, so Mommy Sulu kisses the dove and restores it’s health. Aw! Too bad she can’t use this healing gift on herself. I wonder if she even tried. If I was her I would be making out with the back of my elbow right now. I mean I do that anyway but still. She might be a fantasy makeout session away from saving her own life.

Tim Kring’s respectful nod to bestialists everywhere.

AdultKid Hiro and Claire see all this and figure out why they’re there. Hiro has to have his mom heal his brain and Claire needs to stop Daddy Sulu from injecting her with the catalyst. That way, her life won’t be in danger, Hiro’s will be. How thoughtful. Claire runs off, and when Hiro turns around, Daddy Sulu is there holding a pink garter belt and a sack of rice. He thinks Hiro is the new cook, and tells him to go make dying mommy Tamagoyaki, which I think is like matzo ball soup. Or pizza. Or horseburger who the hell knows? Hiro doesn’t look scared enough, so Daddy Sulu flashes him gay vengeance eyes.

Sasha Fierce

Wow. That was an entire six minutes for one storyline!!! WTF? Does this mean that starting now the new writers are in charge? My fingers are crossed. Cut to the luxury purgatory that Hiro sent Elle and Sylar to. Elle is still dead. Wah. Sylar answers a call to her cell phone. HUH? Where are they? Costa Verde? Come on Hiro, make an effort here. Siberia, Alaska, Jesus you sent them a bus ride away.

Anyway, he answers Elle’s cell and it’s Papa Petrelli asking what happened with Claire. Sylar tells him that he knows he’s not his real dad so he can kiss his pasty white ass if he thinks Sy’s gonna help him ever again. Papa insists that HRG was lying, but Sylar says that now he knows how he can find out the truth. Then he shows off his new address book, which has all these names of people with powers. He highlights Sue Landers. How does he know what ability she has or if she even has one? It’s not like he hacked into Elle’s Facebook profile or anything. Sorry. Logic.

He’s gonna be really disappointed when he finds out this is just a lady Elle gets a ride to Curves from.

Sylar hangs up on Papa P and then douses Elle with lighter fluid. Where the hell did he get lighter fluid? Did Hiro let them stop by a 7-11 on their way to punishment beach? He would, that wuss. Anyway, he sets Elle on fire and I take a moment to try not to cry like a big girl. Love you, V! PS Sylar should never be shot from below. Yikes.

Pig roast.

I’m expecting a gift certificate to Old Navy. Bitch.





Donate to St. Jude’s Hospital so this kid can get some more cute headscarves and a better celebrity for Christmas.

Primatech – Mama P and the Haitian are trying to talk Peter into taking a giant handgun to shoot his father with before he destroys the world. Peter, you know, the guy who couldn’t get one shot in last week with A FUCKING MACHINE GUN. Peter tries to look all confounded and confused by what choice to make, but he’s a really, really bad actor.

Oh shit I hope I remembered to close the garage door when I left the house this morning.

He takes the gun. Over at Pinehurst, Tracy is telling Papa P that they’re all set with the Department of Defense. That girl works fast. I credit the highly inappropriate for the office skin tight bright orange dress. Nathan comes in and is surprised to see her there. She explains that she’s just looking for opportunities for him, but she doesn’t have to do much convincing. Nathan tells Papa P that he’s here to take over the program at Pinehurst. Papa P’s all WTF that’s a complete change of character for no plausible reason and Nathan just shrugs and says “Kring is just making shit up as he goes along. Roll with it k and let’s all just try to get our mortgages paid?” Papa concedes and tells Tracy to show him around and let him in on all their secrets. Who wants to bet that there are chocolate rivers and oompa loompas? Best twist ever: Papa P is Charlie from Willie Wonka all grown up.

Tracy takes Nathan through the hallways explaining shit to him, and it’s hard for me to understand her because all I can hear is the giant crease/fold on the front of her highly inappropriate for the office skin tight bright orange dress. Is it sewn on? Is her skirt scrunching up? It’s making me insane.

That skirt is built to be hiked up. Know your audience. And what Senator wears Huey, Dewey, and Louie bangs?

Tracy says not to be mad about her consorting with his dad. She’s only looking out for Nate’s best interests so he can become President and she can be his wife and eventually Senator from New York and then Secretary of State and then Master of the Universe. He’s like woah why don’t you just not try getting your third character of the series killed this season, k?

As they walk down the hall, she explains the program. “A pharmaceutical random businessless company called Worthington Labs Pinehurst announces that it has developed an inoculation serum to permanently suppress grant the X-gene hero gene that gives mutants heroes their powers, offering the so-called “cure” enhancement to any mutant who wants it person they want to; the cure serum is derived from a mutant boy white girl named Jimmy Claire. While some mutants heroes are interested in the cure serum, including the X-Men’s Rogue Nathan and Suresh, many others are horrified by the announcement. In response to the news, the X-Men’s heroes’ adversary Magneto Papa P raises an army.”

Nathan stops her and asks why she keeps scratching all the X-Men’s off the Wikipedia page she’s spouting and she says that she doesn’t want to get NBC into the uncomfortable position of actually having to pay for the rights to shit she’s stealing because they might decide to kill her off. Again. She explains that once the formula is perfected, they will be able to give people specific powers, so they’ve chosen “good people” for this army. Meet the good people.

Claire shows up at an old gross apartment building and guess who’s there? Her mom and baby Claire! But like 16 years ago! Holy Vaseline on the lens. The poor woman looks like she’s wearing a mask.

Thankfully, they don’t try to pin up her pirate eye. ARGH, wench!

How the hell did Claire know where she was? Who cares? She introduces herself as Bonnie and ingratiates herself by acting all cute and nice. The baby is crying and Pirate Mom doesn’t know what to do because her husband just dumped the kid on her and ran back to his very important busy life as a paper salesman. Big Claire says the baby is crying because “she must be wet and doesn’t know how to tell you.” LOL. She totally remembers being wet that day and having an idiot for a new mom. Pirate Mom admits that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, and Claire says that she’s a great babysitter and will teach her a thing or two. What do you have to teach her? You can drop that baby, drown it, start it on fire and she’ll be fine. She’s idiot proof.

I’ll take care of your baby if you bleach my eyebrows. Quid pro quo, Clarice.

Sue Landers, the possible Curves carpooler from Elle’s phone, shows up at her office. Everyone tells her happy birthday and when she gets to her office it’s filled with happy birthday balloons and a stripper that’s dressed like a delivery man. He gets ready to start smacking her face with his giant…wait sorry. It’s just Sylar. Dammit. He says that he has a delivery for her and then the camera shakes like there’s about to be a fake earthquake. She senses that he’s lying. Sy has completely dropped the goody two shoes act. It’s like someone just came right into the writers room and cut the stupid out. Love it. Sylar is very up front with Sue, saying he covets her lie detector ability and is gonna steal it from her. “It’s not gonna hurt a bit. Got me! That’s a lie.” Cheesy and wonderful. He doesn’t even try to front with the whole “empathy” bullshit and gets right down to slicing her skull open. YAY! Empathy’s for suckas!

Way to splurge on the special effects, guys.

Sue’s office friends come in with gifts shouting Happy Birthday. They’re fat and homely, which is completely unacceptable on this show (except for Parkman, who’s the token. Kinda like how the Haitian is the only black character allowed to live.), so Sy slams the door behind them and kills them too. Welcome back, Sy! I’m feeling strange. Am I actually enjoying Heroes again? Wait let me just shut up right now before they cut to the f ing comic book shop or some shit.

Let this be a lesson to us fat homely people. If you see TV cameras, run for your lives!

Nathan isn’t as comfortable doing a complete character turnaround in less than an episode like the other actors, so he sits down with one of the military guys in training for a deep sensitive talk. He says that the drug he is going to be given is going to completely change his life. Is he ready? The Marine answers that he’s always been insecure about his weird nostrils and wants to become a different person. Also, he was in Iraq and was one of the only surviving members of his squad after an attack. It made him feel weak and he never wants to feel like that again. Personally, I think ducking is a highly underrated skill. Well done, kid! Nathan says they will make him a superhero, but they won’t be able to do anything about his nostrils. The kid starts sobbing.

Come on, kid. You’re still very handsome. You just have to check for bats in the cave more often than regular people. What’s the big deal?

Oh, God. Parkman, Daphne and Ando are still on this show? I was hoping this whole new direction thing meant they would be swept under a rug. Or hit by a bus. Or the blackhole handed guy would come back and get mad about something and just suck them into a void. They arrive at a bike messenger headquarters in NYC. How? Daphne has sped run them all there. How does that work, exactly? You know she didn’t carry Parkman’s fat ass. Stupid. ANYHOO, the weasel at the front desk says he doesn’t know anything about any sketches from any artist from last year. And why the hell would he know about some random delivery a year ago when he deals with hundreds if not thousands of deliveries a day? Because this is Heroes. Parkman cruises him deep and finds out that not only does he know about the sketches, but he’s been skimming off the top! Well I’ll be what luck to find the right guy on the first try! Sorry, I just hit myself. We all know it’s stupid. Just get through it. Moving on. Messenger guy runs out with the sketches and jumps on his bike. Daphne speeds after him and makes him crash into a cab. There. See? Was that so hard?

Fat, homely and defeated. Shocker.

AdultKid Hiro is in his dad’s kitchen trying to figure out how to make whatever the hell his dad told him to when he hears his parents talking. He goes to the bedroom door and listens. His mom wants to give the catalyst to Kid Hiro, and Daddy Sulu says no because he’s a moron. I think we already saw this scene. This time, though, they’re speaking Japanese, so Hiro can understand that his dad thinks he sucks balls. Metaphorically. AdultKid Hiro doesn’t notice Kid Hiro behind him until he speaks up and says that his dad thinks he’s a dodo bird. They both listen to their father diss them and push up their glasses at the same time. Cuteness.

Thank you for getting rid of the bowl cut.

Back at Pirate Mom’s apartment, Claire warns Baby Claire not to date the guy who gave her crabs in her sophomore year when HRG walks in. Well, it’s weird calling him that cuz he’s not wearing his horn rimmed glasses in the past. I don’t care, because I’m too lazy to come up with another name for him. He knows Big Claire is full of shit the minute he sees her and gets all pissed at Pirate Mom for letting her in. Claire tries to explain that she’s a neighbor’s niece, but he knows that neighbor doesn’t have a niece. Past, Present, Future: Claire’s incompetence is constant.

Claire says that she is there to protect the baby and the family. Pirate Mom comes in and starts asking questions and HRG’s all get me a PBR woman and shut your face! She leaves and Claire has a monologue about how it’s hard to be a dad at first but he’ll get the hang of it and get really close to the little Claire Bear and eventually go all Mr. Myagi on her ass and teach her the choreography from Flashdance. He’s touched. Bullshit! The old HRG would have shot her between the eyes before asking any questions. The phone rings. Claire says not to answer it because it’s someone from the company who wants to take Claire and do something really bad to her. He assumes that she means child slavery or beauty pageants or something so he doesn’t pick up.

I would like to take this moment to congratulate Keanu for finding yet another role that requires no emotion or facial movement.

AdultKid Hiro couldn’t figure out how to make yamacaca so he threw some eggo waffles in the microwave to serve to Mommy Sulu. She says he looks familiar and tries to guess where she knows him from. Is he Don Ho? No. Is he the Benihana guy? No. Is he that young, sparking new comedian Margaret Cho? NO!

Aw. Even I was betting on Margaret Cho.

She starts sobbing and hugging him. She never thought she’d see him as an adult. Unlike his rude father, she doesn’t mention that he’s just as much of a dork as he was when he was ten. She asks if he ever learned how to score points in Tetris. He bows his head in shame and says no, but he’s a big super hero now that can travel through time and space. After she compliments him on getting rid of the bowl cut, he tells her about having his memories stolen and asks her to heal him. She kisses his forehead so he can regain his memory. He starts crying and says that he remembers now how much he missed her. AWWWW! Am I getting teary? I AM! WTF? This show is turning me bipolar.

After we all cry and remember that Heroes isn’t a total suckfest and we aren’t crazy for liking it in the first place, Hiro tells his mommy about his powers and saving the world twice, and he says he wants her to give him the catalyst. He knows his dad doesn’t believe in him now, but in the future they grow to love and respect each other. I wouldn’t go that far. Daddy Sulu even locked the formula up so you couldn’t lose it (which you did, immediately) after he died, but this is a touching scene so we’ll forget about that part. Hiro swears up and down that he’s a hero now and he’s strong enough to protect the catalyst. She takes his word for it and after making him promise to keep the fauxhawk, she opens up her channels or whatever and yellow light starts coming out of her! LIKE COCOON! Oh man, if Jessica Tandy were alive right now she’d kick ass on this show.

Woohooooo! My wrinkles are gone! GONE! I’m gonna go out and fuck a football team!

Once the light has transferred into Hiro, she tells him how proud she is of him and then drops dead. Hiro cries and cries and tells her how young she looks.

LOL, Tom Cruise. No wonder Germany tried to kick his tiny ass out of the country during the filming of this movie. He looks like a very dangerous munchkin.

Until we go broke.

Peter and the Haitian are stuck in traffic on the way to Pinehurst. The Haitian says that Peter’s a pussy and he’s always been a pussy and there’s no way in hell he’s gonna shoot his own dad so hand over the gun, Nancy. Smartest thing said all season. Peter insists that he’s up for the task. The Haitian must be really damn sick of this family.

In the best scene of the season, Sylar leaves the now dead chick’s office and gets into the elevator covered in blood. A business man is in there too. He starts sweating profusely when he sees Sy, who asks if something’s wrong. The guy says no and the screen wobbles. Sy knows he’s lying because of his new power. The guy isn’t fat or homely, so Sylar lets him live and they have a nice, peaceful, blood soaked elevator ride.

Back at bike messenger central, the schlubby bike guy hands over the sketches and says every fanboy in the city has been trying to grab them. “My life’s been a living hell.” Whatever, Miley Cyrus. Welcome back to obscurity. Buhbye now. Daphne, Ando and Parkman look at the cover.

Hiro gets a nose job. Oh snap, Marine!

Claire is back on the NYC rooftop when Hiro comes back as a depressed adult. He tells her that he has the catalyst now, and Papa P shows up just in time to hear it. Papa swipes Claire out of the way. Hiro says that he’ll save the cheerleader again, but Papa P drags him to him with his fingers and takes both the catalyst and his powers away. OH SHIT! Man, give credit where credit’s due. Daddy Sulu knows what he’s talking about. Hiro boned it in less than five minutes.

Woohooooo! My wrinkles are gone lessened! GONE LESSENED! I’m gonna go out and fuck a football team!

I figured Hiro would mess up, but that was really quick. Papa flings Hiro off the roof and tells Claire that she needs to a deliver this message to Mama P: “It’s over! I won! I have a big one! I’m about to go bang the football team! He’s just not that into you!” Then he teleports Claire outta there. But he doesn’t steal her power. I guess because he already got the whole immortality thing from Peter? In a life or death situation I say it’s always smart to double wrap your p…owers. Daphne and Parkman and Ando see all this in the comic book, and Daphne says that they can save Hiro from the past if they find another time traveler, and they can get another time traveler if they steal Papa P’s formula and make one. Why the? What the? Ando says “Maybe it could be me!” Head slap. OY. In other words, we get to watch all of this again, but it’s gonna be worse. Way worse. Ando is actually gonna be given something to do. Way to squeeze the life out of a decent episode. Hiro hangs onto a flag pole on the side of the apartment building he was just flung off of calling for the cheerleader. Wasn’t his memory just erased? How does he know about the cheerleader? Never mind. My head hurts. DAMMIT. You guys were doing so well!

You’ve already got the power to make the same idiotic face no matter what happens. Don’t be greedy.

Papa P comes into the lab and approaches the huge bowl of Jello Suresh is trying to make. He puts the light from his hands into the Jello and smiles. Suresh doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he was just trying to help out the lunch lady and they’d all be eating that later on this afternoon.

Every employee who eats in the cafeteria today will never have to buy moisturizer again.

Nathan decides that they should just try the magic jello on one soldier first to see if it works. He turns to Suresh. “No offense.” No offense? The guy’s turning into a horny toad. Who can blame you for being a little nervous about his scientific abilities? Papa senses Peter in the building and says he’ll be back. Peter is waiting for him with a gun. Papa tries to use his abilities, but the Haitian has rendered him impotent. Well, more impotent than usual. Peter says he can’t let Papa get away with giving people abilities and adds that he’s seen the future and it’s not pretty. Papa P counters that Peter doesn’t have the guts to pull the trigger.

The Haitian is all sweaty and shaky. He tells Peter to cut the small talk because he’s losing his grip on Papa’s powers. Still, Peter keeps yammering away about never having a daddy to take him to the zoo and blahdie blah blah. Papa says he’s a spineless wuss. The Haitian begs Peter to shoot, but Peter wants to talk about the crappy pottery ash tray he made for father’s day that his dad never even used. Papa gets his powers back and tries to wave the gun away, which somehow slices Peter’s face…and Peter shoots! The bullet stops in midair and Sylar shows up. He asks if Papa is his real dad. Papa answers yes. The screen shakes. Sylar knows he’s lying and tells Peter he’s no killer. “But I am!” He re aims Peter’s predictably crappy shot and let’s the bullet fly right into Papa’s head. Slam! And to think last week I was rooting for HRG to shoot Sylar. Things can change in an hour!

Who says you can’t fall in love all over again?

Sylar tells Peter that he doesn’t need to bother trying to shoot him because he has nothing he wants anymore. He leaves. WITHOUT TAKING THE HAITIAN’S POWER? It’s the weakest the man will ever be. Come on now. Did you learn nothing from the old fart dead on the floor who had the chance to double up on immortality? OK. Questions. Papa stole Peter’s powers. Peter was invincible. Is Papa dead? I get that he was shot in the head, but Claire had a stake or something in her brain and they just pulled it out and all was hunky dory. Is the cut on Peter’s face the scar? Cuz I remember the scar being deeper and bigger and more towards the center of his face. OK I am thinking too much. More shit will be made up to explain this all later. Back to the show. Peter takes a moment alone with his father and tries to act again. It’s highlarious.

I hope the crafts services table has pretzels. And mustard. And Slim Jims!

Up in the lab, Suresh, Nathan and Tracy have brought in the giant nostriled Marine and strapped him into a chair. Poor guy starts freaking out when he sees Suresh and is all “oh shit you’re not injecting me with whatever ugly juice you put into yourself, mofo!” Too late. Suresh injects him and encloses him in the glass room. He starts shaking and freaking out. Like he’s gonna turn into the Hulk. But not, because that would be stealing. The guy stops shaking, breaks out of the chair, then rips the heavy metal chair out of the ground and crashes it through the case. Tracy gets a boner.

Raaar. You wanna be president?

Nathan asks the kid how he feels and he kinda snarls “I feel great.” Wow. Superhuman strength. Haven’t seen that one before. OK. So there were plot holes everywhere, a lot of shit happened that didn’t make any sense, and Hiro’s gonna be fucking ten again. The main thing that sets this episode apart from the past few is that it was kinda awesome to watch. So please, Kring, NBC, whoever is even listening at this point, please keep not sucking like you mostly didn’t suck tonight! Love, Flipit.