Heroes: Memory Lane

This week on Heroes, we find out that Meredith was the most boring character even a year before all this started, Sylar used to read a lot of books and liked musicals, and that Mama Petrelli was, for a short time, a strong black woman.

Dontchoo make me whoop yo ass, boy!

“A child is born to innocence.

A child is drawn towards good.

Why then do so many among us go so horribly wrong?”

Internet porn. Duh, Suresh. Check your parental settings and get over yourself.

I gotta give this show credit for writing a fresh “Battle Between Good and Evil” monologue every stinkin’ week, but it would be nice if Suresh didn’t have to sound so depressed about it all the time. Maybe they could get that woman who does the voiceovers on Desperate Housewives. She committed suicide and got stuck gossiping to no one about all of her lame friends for the rest of eternity, and she still sounds downright chipper. Up your game, Suresh. I’d prefer a little sugar with my looming apocalypse, thank you very much.

We begin a bit before we left off last week. Hiro’s about to take the mashed up donkey poo Enlightened Black Dude made for him so he can trip balls and go on his “spiritual journey”. I’ve been on that journey. It involved leather chaps and waking up with mustard on my face. Don’t do it, Hiro!

I hope his journey doesn’t involve a love interest, because I don’t think that would be good for the sagging ratings. Homely people kiss and America turns off our TVs. Fair? No. But neither is being subjected to homely makeouts during dinner hour. Hiro swallows the magical poo mush and a look of surprise kind of comes over his face when he gets one last look at Enlightened Black Dude’s Universal Stuidios t-shirt. “You are being ironic!” Then he gets white eyes and passes out. Ando, dependably, gets that confused Scooby Doo look on his face.

Raggy?!?

Suresh tells us that to fight evil, you must take hallucinogenic donkey doo, travel back in time, and subject yourself to second rate paintings of Mama Petrelli to truly know evil.

Shudder. Some things are best left for yesterday.

We’re at Mama and Papa Petrelli’s fortieth anniversary party. Papa’s giving a beautiful speech about loving the same woman for so long his wrist hurts. From carpal tunnel syndrome. Cuz Mama P doesn’t put out these days. Cuz she’s old. Papa gives a shout out to his two sons, the brilliant politician and the cough pansy cough. Peter tries to brush off the fact that his father refused to add nurse after pansy, but the booze is free so he clinks Nathan’s glass for the toast anyways.

Papa P and Mama P start making out. It’s gross. The kids get embarrassed, but Mama reminds them that she only gets a man for a few episodes so she’s gonna ride him like an electric bull until they clean out his dressing room. Well look who’s at the party! Mr. Linderman! This scene takes place way before he became the Battlestar Galactica knock off hologram in Nathan’s head, so don’t worry, you don’t have to feel creeped out. Seriously, Heroes, if you’re gonna rip off a plot device do it right. How do you go from this…

….to this?

I’m invisible. Wanna bone?

Linderman addresses the senior Petrelli’s as his king and queen, kisses their rings, and lets them leave to finish their awkward face to face rubbing offscreen. Don’t say he never did nothin’ for ya. He turns to ask Nathan if he should be worried about the rumor he’s heard about the District Attorney’s Office building a case against “all things Linderman”. No, the case is “all things Entenmans.” You know that shit’s not fat free.

Nathan suggests the old fox shave his wrists. Handcuffs pull at arm hairs, plus Linderman could hand model if he just paid a bit more attention to skin care. Hot old lady hands are totally in demand right now. Linderman laughs Nathan off and is left wondering if he’s about to go to prison, and if his hands are really pretty. Sometimes it only takes one spark of self confidence to turn someone’s day around. He finds Papa Petrelli and asks him to read Peter’s mind from across the room.

Linderman’s going to hell and I’m gonna put him there. Pretty hands though. Pita bread. Speedwalking. Five points in a cup of yogurt. Entenmans is bs. Dancing monkeys. Natalie Maine’s throwing her shoes at me again. Why did I marry that psycho? Green beans. Penguins.

Man, that whole mind reading power can be a real puzzle sometimes. Papa P tells Linderman not to worry. He knows that if Nathan keeps digging, he’ll find out his dad is the Dick Cheney of the relationship and put him in jail, too. Goal: to find an Asian who knows how to bend time so he can go back thirty something years and put on a condom. If that’s too hard, he’ll just have Peter killed. Daaaamn. Even Linderman’s shocked at that one.

One year ago in Memphis, Claire’s boring bio mom was robbing a convenience store with her brother, who turns out to be Flint the psycho hick with blue fire shooting out of his wrists. It’s like Natural Born Killers, but instead of splattering blood everywhere and suggesting incestuous sex with Rodney Dangerfield, Meredith is scrambling to pick up Milky Ways off the floor and Flint is popping popcorn.

Oooh, scary. Next he’s gonna burn the shape of a My Little Pony into a HoHo.

Flint notices that there’s one customer who’s not only not on the floor with everyone else, he’s not paying attention to the Jiffy Pop trick at all. How rude! Flint goes to ask him the man if he could be a little more considerate towards Flint’s feelings, but then the man turns around and it’s Julia Robert’s brother, Mr. Thompson, and he isn’t considerate towards anyone’s feelings and that’s why Julia never calls him or lets him into her house. Flint tries to do the Jiffy Pop thing on Mr. Thompson’s face, but he is stopped with a fire extinguisher. Well what a practical, witty way to fight psychopaths with nuclear capabilities!

Meredith tries to help her bro with a ball of fire, but she is a split second late because she was so preoccupied by the Milky Way in her mouth. Mr. Thompson has a stun gun. A fire extinguisher and a stun gun? Not only is this totally sensitive, but it must have taken some incredible placement skills to sneak both into the convenience store. He probably looked like a total perv. Flint runs, but Meredith surrenders, asking for enough time to finish the candy bar. Mr. Thompson shrugs and watches her chew, because in case you haven’t noticed, he was very sensitive a year ago.

A year ago again. Sylar is about to hang himself in his watch repair store in Brooklyn because he feels so guilty about his addiction to smelling women’s shoes and killing people for their super powers. Just as he kicks the chair out from under himself and starts to choke, Elle comes into the store and zaps the rope, dropping Sylar to the floor and saving his life. She asks him to say something, but all he can muster is “Forgive me.” Then he starts sobbing in her arms. Poor Veronica Mars must be wondering if she’ll ever book a show that doesn’t require her to coddle weak, sobbing men.

Another one? Jesus. They need to stop putting so many hormones in milk.

Ladies, even if you decide to wear a skunk on your head, you should keep it shiny. Thanks, Stacy London!

Elle tries to tell Sylar that everything’s ok, but he can’t shake his depression. He’s done lots of bad things. Elle’s like, eh who cares everyone’s a sinner. Say a few hail Mary’s and he’s like NO! I’m not normal! I’m a freak! I have black caterpillars for eyebrows and I want to kill people and steal their brains! And she’s like eh everyone does that just donate some time to the brothers and sisters organization or something and he’s like NO! I won’t stop until I’ve killed the entire human race and Elle’s like bore snore and seven years ago this conversation began. I have a Runaway Bride DVD in my purse, wanna order some pizza or something?

He refuses to be cheered up, so she pulls out her good girlfriend routine and tells him that he’s a good person deep down and everything will be ok. If not, why would the rope have broken? It was a sign! A sign that he deserves a second chance, and Lasik apparently since he no longer needs glasses a year later. He cheers her up and calls her his angel. “An angel with daddy issues and a broken watch!”

Who knew the dawn of humanity’s end could be so sweet?

She leaves Sylar to draw hearts and xos in his diary and makes her way to a Primo Paper van and who’s inside? You guessed it! Linda Dano! Kidding, but that would be awesome. It’s HRG. Elle asks him the question we’ve all been asking for ten minutes. Why not just arrest the asshole and throw him in the slammer? HRG talks about how no one understood how whales communicated until a scientist heard one sing to another in the wild. Elle takes this story personally and says that she’s not gaining weight, things just look different in high definition. HRG explains that he means he wants to get Sylar to steal someone’s power so he can understand how he does it. The whale story was less violent and depressing, but this one doesn’t insinuate any fatness on Elle’s part, so she rolls with it. But wait. How does she get Sylar to do it? HRG answers “Pie.”

Did he just suggest that I’m fat again? Cuz I’ll electrocute his ass.

Mr. Thompson has Meredith handcuffed in a cell. He reads her file to her. Nine group homes in seven years. Four burnt to the ground. Milky Ways reported stolen in six counties, blahblahblah. She rolls her eyes and he cuts to the chase. He wants to offer her freedom in exchange for taking a job as an agent for the company. She laughs at that one, but he can’t understand what possible reason she could have for hating the company so much. She gives him that faraway lost in a memory soap opera look so he drops it. He doesn’t want to hear her blather on about it, and neither do I. She says she’ll take the job if he promises to let her psycho hillbilly brother continue robbing liquor stores and starting things on fire, but he won’t promise her anything. She says yes anyway. What can you do? Bosses are assholes.

It’s the day of Peter’s graduation party, and Papa P is outside his mansion sucking the life out of roses. Mama P comes out and asks him to please change his mind about attending the party, but there’s no way Papa’s gonna pretend to be ok with his son becoming a nurse. Mama tells him to be patient. Either Peter’s powers will manifest and he will become a great man, or Papa P will get so old waiting that he’ll be thankful to have a nurse around to bathe him and wipe his butt. Nathan comes into the yard as she’s leaving and Papa asks him to hand the Linderman case off to another ADA. Nathan says not to worry, he only has good things in mind. Linderman is toxic and his going down can only help the family. They’ll all look like they have more normal skin tone, for one. It’s hard looking healthy when you’re standing next to a dashing rich dude wearing five coats of spray tan.

That night, Nathan is driving on the freeway with his wife (remember her?) when a giant SUV speeds up behind them and starts ramming into their car. The wife freaks out and when she turns to Nathan, he’s gone. He flew out of the car and left her there alone with no one at the wheel. What a DICK! Oh wait. This is when he just figured out for the first time that he could fly. This time jumping stuff is messing with my brain. Still, the car actually drives a full city block before veering into a concrete median and he was looking down at her and yelling for her the whole time. Poor Rena Sofer just can’t catch a break. Will you come back to do a guest spot on Heroes so we can break your back, put you in a wheelchair and get rid of you again? Thanks!

Time to get a new agent.

The Petrelli family gathers outside Rena’s hospital room. Nathan freaks out when he sees his dad and says that it was Linderman’s people who drove him off the road. Not only did Rena break her back, but she’s not gonna book anything in 2008 besides guest spots on Ghost Whisperer and Two and a Half Men thanks to Papa! Nathan says he will do everything in his power to bring Linderman down and if Papa’s standing anywhere near him, he’s going down too. Time to choose! Mama P starts getting suspicious as Papa P cries. Or laughs. Or grimaces in pain. I can’t tell because his face never changes.

A little late to jump on the Botox bandwagon, yo.

Later that night, Papa P is into his Second Life session on his laptop. Mama P comes in and asks him if he told Linderman to kill Nathan. Papa is disgusted she would ask! Well did you? How offensive! Well did you? I like ice cream. GODDAMMIT YES OR NO?!?! She promises him she will leave him alone to live his alternate Justine Bateman personality in Second Life if he will just give her a definitive answer, so he gives her a no. With tears in her eyes, she kisses his forehead. Subtle. I half expected the Romans to barge in and drag Papa away to get crucified. I’m sure he didn’t get that you’re totally over his ass at all.

Just a little sidenote, every single scene starts with One Year Ago…WE GET IT. Mr. Thompson takes Meredith on a job training mission in a homeless enclave. He approaches a greasy old vet and says that they’re just agents checking up on the men who served their country. The vet isn’t swayed, and when Meredith steps in with a really lame attempt at a lie, the vet turns his hand into metal and knocks out Mr. Thompson. Meredith throws a fireball to disable his hand and then uses the stun gun on him and smiles big as he falls. Poor guy never had a chance in life or as a regular on the show. You can turn your hand into metal? LAME. Could you help me hang this picture, you big bad superhero? Lost my hammer. Mr. Thompson, on his feet miraculously fast after getting clocked in the head by a metal fist, welcomes Meredith to the company.

Way to treat our vets, Company.

HRG sits in the Paper Company’s surveillance van outside Sylar’s apartment in Queens. Now if you had a watch store in Brooklyn, why would you have an apartment in Queens? Do you know what a bitch of a commute that is? No wonder the guy’s depressed. HRG watches Sylar take all the pictures of superheroes to kill off his wall. He also takes down the iCarly poster and the vertical ruler that keeps track of what a big boy he’s becoming. As he looks over a list of future victims, Elle knocks on his door. She’s got a pie! LOL HRG. That’s an awesome plan to woo someone. In 1962.

Elle makes her way into his place and looks around at all the shelves of books and the bulletin board with yarn tacked to maps leading to people’s homes with brains to steal. Elle’s like “wow! You’re like so charming and sexy! Do you like to harm animals? Me too! Let’s make out!” She asks about a list he left on the desk and he goes to his dark place. He says that the list is of special people like him. After some goading, he finally admits that he has a special power. Then he belly dances. Elle’s not impressed, so he uses his mind to fling a fork around the sink and move some dishes. He throws the list away and moves on to the pie. Veronica takes the list out of the trash can and calls Sheriff Lamb even though she knows he’s just gonna ignore her and basically make her solve the whole case on her own.

I miss you, Hero.

Over at the company prison block, Mr. Thompson walks off a pissed vet and a giddy Meredith through the halls. Meredith is ready for her badge and her stun gun, but Thompson tells her she’s not a real agent until she proves that she’s loyal enough to carry out a mission even if she doesn’t agree with it. He lets her perform her first responsibility, which is walking the vet to his cell and not boring the life out of him with her lack of personality on the way. Flint calls out to her from one of the cells. He’s actually excited to be there, as Thompson has promised to train him as an agent. Meredith is like “oh hell no.” Her brother is a certified tardbilly, which means this whole dangling a stun gun if front of her face has been a big joke. Thompson comes around to check on her and she acts like nothing’s wrong, determined to come up with a semi entertaining storyline that will keep her on the show that doesn’t require working with her brother in any way.

Back at Sylar’s, Elle is listening to her new friend yammer on about his feelings. He covets other people’s powers, hates the evening news but loves LOLcats. He says that since he met her, he doesn’t feel the need to be a serial killer any more. She starts playing with her hair and giggling and licking a lollipop. Oh for chrissakes. She’s crushin. She leaves and HRG makes fun of her for falling for a watch repairman. He reminds her that it’s just a job and they need to get someone off the stolen list for Sylar to get jealous of. Elle thinks that she’s changed Sylar for the better and he won’t kill again. Yeah, girl. You changed him. I’d love to hear Dr. Laura rant about this shit. Her head would explode. Elle refuses to betray her man and HRG threatens to leave her all alone in the world. She caves, because apparently she has never seen a commercial for ITT Technical Institute. Take charge of your life! You have options!

Linderman is over at the Petrelli’s apologizing to Papa about not killing Nathan. He can do it if he just has another chance! The two men start talking as loudly as possible about this, like they’re doing Shakespeare in the park.

I WANT NATHAN DEAD!

I WILL KILL YOUR SON FOR YOU!

CUT HIM WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!

I WILL PEE ON HIM WHEN HE’S DEAD!

BWAHAHAHA!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Why do you always have to have a longer evil laugh than me?

Sorry, yo. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

(hugs)

Surprise! Mama Petrelli heard all of this and freaks out. She runs, but Papa P is right behind her. She grabs a giant knife, but it’s no match for his brainwashing power. He stares deeply into her eyes.

You know nothing about me killing anyone. I am a hero. My peepee is over a foot long. You hate cuddling. You hate when I say I’m sorry. You will make me a pot roast and set Murder She Wrote as a season pass on the DVR and not complain that you’ve already seen all of the episodes. You’re a strong black woman.

It totally worked.

Nathan who? Kill his ass! Let me make you a pot roast, baby! Matlock’s all new tonight! Can I get a what what?

America, you voted for your favorite online hero to get his own webisodes, and you chose some douchey soccer player named Santiago who’s being chased by Beverly D’Angelo after six months on Jenny Craig. Congrats!

How bout inventing a superhero bus driver from Mexico that isn’t always running people over? Safety first, Mexico. K, thanks.

Hiro jerks upright in the African desert babbling about scrub bubbles chasing him through Candyland. Ando makes big wide eyed faces and tries to wake is man crush up but Enlightened Black Dude stops him, explaining that Hiro will get trapped in his head if he doesn’t finish the journey. Also, we’re only half way through the episode and Kring would have to come up with an entirely new plot device to finish all the flashbacks. Enlightened Black Dude sets some more magic donkey poo on fire and makes Hiro inhale it until he passes out. Thanks for checking in, boys.

Easiest paycheck ever.

Over at the Company, Meredith is trying to break Flint out, but he’s totally fallen in love with his captors. Get over yourself, Patti Hearst. She tells him that he’s being tricked and no one’s really going to give him a job as an agent or free health care or a free college education. Keep the change, sucka! He’s not convinced, but runs away with her anyway. They hop on a train and Meredith promises that they will go to Mexico and get a job at a Chile’s because they’re everywhere. Uhoh Mr. Thompson is there too. He stuns Meredith and tries to catch Flint, who is not using his powers because the scene would be too short. Meredith wakes up and tries to save him, but Thompson jumps on her and strangles her with his back to Flint, who still doesn’t use his powers. Wuss! Instead, he jumps off the train. Way to stick up for the girl, pig! Thompson smacks Meredith around and tells her that he was trying to give her brother a purpose but she turned him into an enemy and a fugitive. She throws a tiny bit of fire at him and the freight train explodes right after they jump. This storyline is f ing stupid. Where’s Claire? Where’s Nikki? You know it’s bad if I’m begging for Nikki.

At first it looks like we’re looking at Meredith and Mr. Thompson’s guts splattered all over the place from an unsuccessful jump, but it turns out to be lentil soup that the brainwashed Mama P is making. Apparently, she was programmed to believe in three quarter sleeves and a Laura Ashley print. Guess Papa P was getting sick of the Palin Power suits, too.

This could have been a great ending.

Linderman comes in to see if she remembers anything, but she doesn’t. He tells her that her husband is evil and he can no longer stand by and watch her act like a strong black woman when she’s really a scared white lady. It’s embarrassing. He keeps on whispering and cooing into her ear about healing the scars caused by forced memories and brain wipes. He doesn’t promise to do anything about the scars behind her ears, but says they’re hardly noticeable. He stares deeply into her eys and asks for a Tic Tac. Finally, she comes out of it and realizes that she didn’t buy that sweater and she hates lentils. She does ask, though, if she can keep saying badonkadonk. He shrugs and nods.

As he walks Meredith away from the burning crime scene in handcuffs, Thompson asks her why she’s constantly on the rag about the company. She says that the company stormed her house fourteen years ago and she used her fire to defend herself. The place went up in flames and her baby girl Claire died in the fire. He says, out loud (doi) “That’s what they told you? That she was dead?” Glad you’re the one training people how to be loyal and keep their mouths shut, dude. He lets her go and tells her she’s got a get out of jail free card. Aw! So sweet. Julia Roberts, if you’re reading this, call your brother. Meredith walks disbelievingly (and reaaaaally slowly for someone escaping) over the bridge, while below, Claire is about to enter the fire and become a hero. Hey! I remember that! Then she leaves and goes home to bang Emo Tard.

I’m hot, you’re hot. What’s the problem?

Elle is over at Sylar’s playing intelectual girlfriend. She suggests that they go check out one of the cheesy movies that has been made into an even cheesier broadway musical cuz there are like a thousand of them and what’s better than Legally Blonde? Legally Blonde with SINGING. He’s a little too into the idea, which is uncomfortable. Thankfully, there’s a knock at the door. It’s a skeevy dude with greasy hair, mime base, and eyeliner. Elle says that she found someone else who’s slightly gay and has powers so Sylar won’t feel so alone. Greasy Slightly Gay guy shows off his power, which is shooting bullets out of his fingers. Sylar gets a brain boner, and Elle starts cheering him on. “Isn’t that special! Don’t you wanna be special like him? You would be so sexy if you were just a little specialer! Don’t be a pussy! Eat his brain! EAT IT!”

Finally, Sylar breaks and throws GSG up against the wall with his mind. Elle gets worried. Too late sucka! Sylar tells her to leave, but she decides to try a last ditch effort at seeming like a good person and attempts to stop him with her power. Jig is up! He decides to let her go instead of opening her head, because he’s a dumb boy, and shooting real bullets out of his fingers is almost the most exciting power in the world. Peeing perfect shapes into snow is first.

This would have been more pleasant for the both of us had you bothered to wash your nasty hair first.

Elle runs back to the van and begs for HRG to help her stop Sylar, but by the time she gets there, he’s watching Sylar mess with the kid’s brain. Elle asks if they can switch over to a Frasier rerun, but he refuses. That’s cold.

Later that night, over lentil soup, Mama P asks Papa P if he still really knows her after all these years. He’s like “I thought I trained you not to talk. And where’s the pot roast? And since when are you an old white lady? Where’s Daniqua?” She covers with a quick badnkadonk, but he’s still a little suspicious. Especially because she keeps talking all creepily. The Haitian is lurking in the background. Remind me to never have dinner at this house. Uncomfortable. This is why most families eat in front of the TV. Mama stops talking in puzzles and finally comes out and confronts Papa about trying to kill Nathan. He’s like “that’s what this is about? BFD! He’s married to a Dixie Chick. He doesn’t need to work!” Then he falls to the ground. Mama P poisoned him. She snaps her fingers, rolls her head, and creepily utters “ba donk. A. Donk.” Someone really needs to teach her what that means.

As she instructs the Haitian on how to clean up her mess, Nathan comes in and finds his dad. He calls the hospital. For whatever reason, Mama P doesn’t take his phone and have the Hatian just erase Nathan’s head and let Papa die. I guess that would have changed the future, and this show is confusing enough as it is.

Elle and HRG get a Pinkberry together. He’s psyched that he knows how Sylar steals powers now, but she’s still mad that she missed Frasier. It was the one where Niles confronts a bully from high school! She says that Sylar had a soul and could have been saved and he reminds her that missionaries are creepy and that’s not what they do. She knows that it’s a long shot that she’ll ever find another date, so she’s bummed to have turned the first decent guy she’d met who was willing to check out Legally Blonde the Musical back into a serial killer. Sad horns and unicorns. HRG walks off to get into a cab that Peter just exited. Suresh is driving! Best cabbie hair ever, by the way. Take note, NYC cabbies. Moisturize.

At the hospital, a doctor tells Mama and Nathan that Papa is dead. Mama says she wants him cremated right this second and offers to get it started. The doctor goes back to the hospital room, where Papa is alive, but not moving. He talks with his brain and tells the doctor to find another body to cremate. Doc says that he will and says he’s sorry but Papa is permanently paralyzed. You can’t tell, really, cuz Papa is making the same face he always makes.

Happy. Sad. Mad.

At his funeral, Nathan and Peter start getting sentimental and Mama P tells them to shut their yaps and stop acting like their father was the greatest thing since Rosemary Clooney. They’re like when did mom turn back into a bitter white lady? We miss Daniqua!”

Hiro wakes up in the African desert. He knows everything and wants to get back to NY and warn everyone that Papa’s still alive. He and Ando hear a scream. When they run out of the hut to follow the scream, they find that Enlightened Black Dude has been beheaded. Then Papa is right behind Hiro. “I hear you’ve been having nasty dreams about me, you perv.” He grabs Hiro’s head and starts his brainwashing trick. WTF? Why aren’t black people ever allowed to live on this show? I hate to play the bigot card, but jesus. Tonight we’ve seen the deaths of Slightly Gay Eyeliner Guy and Enlightened Black Dude. I expect a gay black man with eyeliner to arrive soon to make up for this, Kring! Otherwise, one of the best episodes of the season. What did you guys think?

We need another Hero!

***You might have noticed during this recap that I am not T.Vo. I am Flipit. Sorry for the switcheroo, but T.Vo has decided to enjoy her life as a wealthy hot supermodel for awhile and leave recapping to the less genetically gifted of us. BITCH! Kidding. Love you, T! I will be taking over Heroes for the next couple of weeks until we find a replacement. This one is posted so late only because this all happened last minute, so please forgive me for that. If you’d like to submit, write up a recap of tonight’s epi and send it to me at Flipit75@gmail.com. Thanks for reading!