Heroes: Of Daddies and Doggie Baths

This week’s Heroes theme song should be Lindsay Lohan’s “Confessions of a Broken Heart” played on the world’s tiniest violin, ’cause it’s a Freudian field day with daddy issues everywhere: Parkman, Claire, Elle, Emotard, Mohinder, seriously, everyone. Also, everything Isaac has ever painted has come true, probably because people start to think the future can’t be changed and read his artwork like an Ikea instruction booklet. Hell is getting lost in Ikea.

New from Japan: Port-a-puppies for everyone!

Bennet, Mama B, and Lyle are packing up the family’s possessions as Claire comes down in her cheerleading uniform. I’m unconvinced because real cheerleaders put their hair in high ponytails and curlers the day of rallies and games. Flatironing your hair is pointless. They must’ve pulled an all-nighter or hired some elves, because they plan on leaving today, yet they only started packing last night. Bennet’s about to slap a “Fragile” sticker on his daughter but she beats him to the punch. She’s not going with the family, she’s gonna file for legal emancipation like gymnast Dominique Moceaneau and every precocious teen star out there. Or get adopted by Oprah, whichever is easiest. Bennet starts to protest but she asks him what he plans to do — abduct her? Touché.

The gloves are off, and Claire accuses Daddy of bagging and tagging Emotard. Mama Bennet defends him, but Claire points out that they’re still hiding, living in fear, and driving crappy Nissan Rogues instead of Land Rovers like everyone else in Socal. Bennet tells Claire this wouldn’t be an issue if she hadn’t showboated with Emotard in the Debbie incident, and commands her to not step out the door. Defiant, Claire’s all “Whatevah, ah do whut ah want!” and spins on her toe to leave. Bennet responds by reaching for the duct tape, but Mama Bennet intervenes again and says Claire can go to school to say goodbye to her friends. Bad idea. Claire leaves, but not before shooting a big, fat “I hate you” to Pops. Congratulations, you’re officially an ungrateful 16-year-old!

Tokyo Japan, Present Day

It took a ridiculously long time for Hiro’s father’s funeral to actually happen, but I think we’re supposed to pretend only a week has elapsed since Kaito’s death. Monks preside over the traditional Japanese ceremony, and I can’t help but remember when a monk’s orange sleeve caught on fire at my grandma’s funeral during college. I was torn between crying and laughing since my zany, distressed brain immediately thought of inappropriate things such as “Oh man, this is like a historical re-enactment of monks protesting the Vietnam War.” I know, I’m going to hell, but I do have a father who constantly reminds me that 58,000+ soldiers died so I could be born in America.

Doorknob.

Anywho, Hiro’s sis returns, and she’s sitting next to Ando, who obviously feels that it would be an inappropriate time to ask her out (although Laura totally did it with Rob after her father’s funeral in High Fidelity). Hiro has to deliver the eulogy, but he is still suffering from PTSD and flees from the podium. Ando goes to comfort him, and Hiro unloads all his guilt about it being his fault that Daddy died, that he blames himself, and that he can’t let him go. A blink later, Hiro’s off to save the Daddy. Ando starts to think that his friendship doesn’t mean all that much to his BFF.

He goes back to one week ago (oh, the wonders of modern time travel) to the frosty Deveaux rooftop. Kaito and Mama Petrelli are comparing BFF’s-in-death pictures. Mama Petrelli slaps Kaito for the umpteenth time, because Tim Kring believes we love recycled footage. Hiro greets his father, who is thrilled to see him and excited to hear tales of feudal Japan and Kensei. The reunion is dampened by Hiro’s announcement that he’s time-traveled from Kaito’s funeral. Silly Hiro, you don’t tell your honorable father that it was his fate to die; instead, you pretend that nothing bad was going to happen on the rooftop and whisk him away to Tahiti or another century. Once Kaito hears the bad news he stoically resigns himself to death. Sure, you can’t play God, but isn’t it kind of Hiro’s fault for going back in time to 1671 and incurring the wrath of Khan and Kensei? One could argue that Hiro should just go back to the moment before he kissed Yaeko and have a little more self-control.

Hiro, it’s all your fault. Love, Al Gore.

Hiro, determined not to let his daddy die, takes Kaito 17 years back to Mama Nakamura’s funeral. Understandably, Kaito does not want to revisit his entry to widower-hood and a single parent household, but Hiro wants him to understand the pain he’s feeling. Unlike his son, Kaito has the wisdom of age and senility to accept the things we cannot change. There’s a neat little segment where Hiro potentially disrupts the fabric of time-space because he meets his adorable mini-Hiro self, face to face. So how is preventing his dad’s death a bigger deal than interacting with your past self? I half expected one of the Hiros to spontaneously combust, but not before yelling “Yatta!” Mini-Hiro brandishes a toy sword and pretends he’s Kensei, wishing he could save his mom. Big Hiro realizes that he cannot play God, as his dad pointed out, and that he has to accept that loved ones do not live forever. Instead, the lessons he learns from his father live on through him. (Those would be strength, responsibility, and justice.)

We have a meta-moment as Kaito asks Hiro if they can take a moment to pay respects to Mama Nakamura. While Mini-Hiro and Past Kaito are doing the exact same thing. Feel free to tell me if it’s not the ginormous time-space violation that I think it is.

Simon says pick your nose.

Later, they’re back on the Deveaux rooftop and it’s time to say sayonara forever. It’s been awhile since I’ve been moved by this show’s characters, but I really don’t want to see Kaito die again and it’s a rather tear-jerking moment. “I’ve never time-traveled before,” says Kaito, smiling. He’s truly got the samurai honor and stoicism down, but don’t you think Hiro could have at least equipped him with a samurai sword so he could fight for a bit? Hiro chokes up as Kaito tells him he’s proud of him. He tries to reconcile the fact that his father will be reunited with his mother. I wonder if she had powers as well, but it doesn’t appear she’s part of the group of 12. Hiro blinks and disappears.

We see Ando run up to the rooftop with the sword right as Kaito identifies his attacker with the trademark, “Of all of them, I never thought it would be you.” From the group photo, wasn’t it pretty obvious that only one other person could look so svelte in a blue hoodie? Who else would be that speedy and able to survive a rooftop spill?

Time freezes as Hiro re-appears. He’s resigned himself to not saving his father, but he murmurs aloud that he can still learn who his father’s killer is. Kaito and Blue Hooded Killer are suspended in mid-air, right about to tumble over the edge. It’s ADAM, by the way. After four hundred years, he’s discovered American Apparel. If Hiro wasn’t feeling guilty earlier, he ought to now. He returns to the present to deliver the eulogy he ran away from, mentally vowing to rid the world of wannabe white samurai.

“Would it kill you to buy some effing Count Chocula?”

At the office, Parkman’s on the hold with the FBI, trying to get info on the Kaito case. His sassy boss interrupts him, requesting that he concentrate on his real work and let it go since Mama Petrelli sang like a canary. Inching towards the Dark Side, Parkman implants the thought “Give me 24 hours to work on this” into the chief’s head, and gee whiz, it works.

Mama Petrelli receives a non-conjugal visit from Parkman, and she’s none too pleased. Knowing exactly what Parkman wants from her, she tries to mind-game him by shit-talking his powers, implying that she’s been there, done that. She also tries to psych him out by mentionining he’ll resemble his father if he uses his powers in less-than-ethical ways. Matt, however, is like a kid who just got Guitar Hero 3. He can’t resist, and implants the thought “Tell me who killed Kaito.”

I’m still unsure of what Mama Petrelli’s real power is, because she seems more resistant to this Jedi mind trick than others. She reveals, against her will, that the older generation of heroes locked up Adam thinking he could just regenerate. Defying everything known to biologists and geneticists, rapid cycling cellular regeneration prevents you from growing old, so you’re still spry and supple at the age of 400. Parkman’s not done, though, and briefly imagines Mama Petrelli as a GMILF before asking her who the redheaded woman in the Original Heroes Photo is. It doesn’t explain where Adam is in the photo, but perhaps they’d locked him up before they had this reunion. Mama Petrelli, resistant to the end, tells him sternly, “Our generation mortgaged our souls to protect yours. Get rid of your daddy issues!”

Parkman forces the issue, causing Mama Petrelli to curse him because she vowed to keep the woman’s secret safe. Her nose starts bleeding (much like the way Matt’s started bleeding in Season 1 when he tried to use his powers in The Company’s parking lot) and she scornfully remarks that if he takes this secret from her, he’s not just like his father, he is his father.

Costa Verde

Mohinder and Bob are at a swanky-looking hotel. How is it so ridiculously sunny there while the New Yorkers are in their heavy coats and sweaters? It’s not like Costa Verde is on the other side of the equator. Bob puts on 60 SPF sunscreen and frets that he didn’t put in any time on the elliptical before going to the land of beautiful people. Mohinder is worried about shooting things and/or people, since he gets trigger-shy, and Bob calls him a pussy, er, moral compass. Due to Niki’s unfortunate terminal illness, Elle is going to be Mohinder’s new partner. Elle, of course, is sunning herself on the pool deck in a skimpy bikini and enjoying the sweet taste of California smog.

“My daughter’s actually very modest.”

Nicknaming Mohinder Fight Club, she says she’s been practicing piano and sharpshooting to prepare for their next assignment. Elle demonstrates her prowess by going “bang!” with her finger, gun-style, shattering and igniting her Bloody Mary. You’d never need another blowtorch for caramelizing creme brulees again with that girl.

Somewhere that looks suspiciously like the Feudal Forest

Claire manages to find West on his way to school by arranging heavy stones to spell out his name, betting that the location was on his flight path. He calls her Spy Girl and some other lame names, and she tries to exonerate herself from the whole HRG abduction situation. “But I’m a cheerleader!” is really no excuse. Still bitter and paranoid, Emotard isn’t buying it. I’m slightly impressed that he isn’t taking her back immediately, but we all know that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt. He’s just protecting the heart he wears on his Hot Topic shirt sleeve, and Claire admits that she was afraid he’d stop liking her because having a daddy (who isn’t Michael Jackson) who abducts little boys is usually a dealbreaker.

Claire, sensing Emotard’s soft spot, tells him that her family is leaving town, but she’s not going. She’s staying to be with him, even though she has no source of income or home. I expected Emotard to melt immediately, but he plays it cool and pretends to be skeptical. I gotta give him some credit. He’ll come around though, Claire, he will.

Back at Casa de Bennet

Bennet hands a school picture of Emotard as a brace-face emotot to Mama Bennet, who can’t believe Emotard’s managed to grow dorkier and more gangly as a teen (although Nick D’Agosto, who plays Emotard, is in his mid-twenties). She’s starting to really doubt her husband for the first time in a long while, since The Haitian isn’t around to mind-wipe her into compliance. Bennet takes a big breath and admits he’s been cheating on her with Mohinder, and reveals the Isaac Mendez painting that depicts his death. “Claire’s right, it’s all about me,” he admits. Mama Bennet tries to compose herself, but she’s visibly ruffled. Bennet’s freaking out because his plans are falling apart, and he pleads with his wife for her support. Clasping her hand in his, he tells her he needs her, but she abruptly removes it and leaves to take Lyle to school. These emerging trust issues and re-evaluation of a marriage make her character more interesting than usual. Sorry Mr. Muggles, you’ve gotta step up your game.

He rode the short bus.

My Emotard has a last name, it’s R-O-S-E-N. Bennet calls Mohinder to track Emotard down using Molly. At this point, Bennet still believes that Mohinder won’t betray him, but Mohinder is definitely conflicted and straddling the fence. Mohinder immediately tells Bob that Bennet called him and that he wants Emotard, pleading for an alternate plan that involves isolating Bennet and not killing him. When Bob hesitates, Mohinder threatens to blow the whistle on the plan. Bob quickly points out that Bennet already killed his mentor and won’t hesitate to blow Mohinder’s brains out if push comes to shove. However, Mohinder is still hoping that Bennet’s a good guy and refuses to comply with The Company plan. All the while, Elle is groping at Mohinder because he’s her new toy, giving off the repressed Catholic schoolgirl vibe.

“He’s adorable! Can i keep him with the rest of my Pokemon?” asks Elle, to the annoyance of her father. Mohinder insists that they isolate Bennet so that Claire can be obtained without killing anyone, and Bob agrees.

“But I love Parkman!”

Back at Casa de Bennet, Bennet prepares to find Emotard at school. He exits the door and is immediately tackled/swooped up by who else? Twinkle Toes McGee, who recreates the Superman ride experience from Magic Mountain by flying directly up into the air. They pass through the troposphere, stratosphere, and mesosphere and into outer space, where they encounter Miss Frizzle and The Magic School Bus. Man and boy grapple at each other, and Emotard reminds Bennet he doesn’t have the super strength to maintain their intimate embrace. What Emotard really wants to know is not what the hell Bennet was doing abducting wee boys, but if Claire really loves him truly, madly, deeply. “She lied to me, so I’m guessing you’re pretty important to her,” says Bennet. Emotard is beside himself and flies them back to the ground, where he’s promptly restrained by Bennet.

Just then, Mohinder calls Bennet and tells him Emotard is at Verbena Street, but Bennet looks up to see the sign reading Ocean and 4th. Bennet puts 2 and 2 together and realizes Mohinder is lying. He’s really one of the few Heroes who have common sense and quick intelligence, and would totally win Survivor.

Don’t judge me because I use Biore Clear Pore Strips.

Mohinder asks Elle if she’s killed many people, which is a touchy question, the equivalent of “So, how many guys have you screwed?” She’s sipping on a slurpee and isn’t as quick-witted as I’d imagine Veronica Mars would be in this situation. Elle allows Mohinder to speak to Bennet alone, to spare his life. Bennet pulls up in a Nissan, and Mohinder slides in the backseat, asking him to give them Claire. Bennet realizes The Company has convinced Mohinder and mentions that indoctrination is part of the 12-step program. Mohinder pulls out his gun and command Bennet to drive, adding a “please” at the end because this tough-guy schtick is out of character for him.

Meanwhile, an adult who appears to be the newly-appointed cheerleading advisor in the post-Debbie era tells Claire someone is here to speak to her regarding the drinking incident. It’s Bob, who clearly built a transmogrifier because he’s always at the right place at the right time. He tries the good ole’ “scare them straight” routine, telling Claire she could ruin her life if she doesn’t confess to what really happened, but slips up, calling her “Miss Bennet.” Claire notices and runs away as fast as her Nikes can take her, although the last place she should be running towards is home. Try Mexico, honey, everyone’s doing it.

Claire arrives home in roughly the same time it takes Bob to follow her in his car, and asks Mama Bennet why roly-poly men from Alias are tailing her. Stupidly, Claire doesn’t lock the door and Bob saunters in. Mama Bennet exclaims “Why, that’s the regional manager for Primatech!” but shuts up when Bob brandishes his gun.

On the other side of town, Bennet and Mohinder pull up to the set-up spot. Bennet recognizes Elle as she walks up to them, wearing She plays the coquette, greeting him in a Lolita-like voice. She charges up her electricity but her reflexes are too slow for Emotard, who swoops in and slams her against the car. Mama said knock you out. Bennet, remembering the Isaac painting, quickly turns the gun on Mohinder, who finally realizes he forgot to remove his Breath-right nose strips and is mortified. Mohinder, on his knees, silently pleads with Bennet for his life, and Bennet ultimately just kicks Mohinder in the gut. Bennet, you know you’ve got to duct-tape him if you want to live.

Deleted scenes from Crash.

Rushing home, Bennet discovers his wife duct-taped to a chair. Either she is wearing a lot of lipgloss or they bought their tape from the 99 Cent Store, because the piece stuck to her mouth comes off much too easily. Mama Bennet is le pissed, but I’m pleased that Bob didn’t just kill her. It shows some restraint. She’s reunited with Emotard, who is carrying an unconscious Elle over his shoulder.

“Did you pack Mr. Muggles’ bath tub?” Bennet asks Sandra. Heh, I heard “bubble bath” the first time. Elle is soaked to the bone, duct-taped to a chair, with her feet in the water-filled tub. As she comes to, she angrily asks Bennet,”Do you think is my first day?” but manages only in giving herself the electric shock of a lifetime. It’s a little hard to watch Veronica Mars suffer, but Bennet snarks, “Stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?” The daughter swap has created an interesting dynamic between the pairs of Bennet/Elle and Bob/Claire, and the storyline is compelling.

This Brookstone spa massage chair is NOT what I expected.

Bennet begins appealing to Elle, explaining that he knows all about her abilities, having watched her father lead the charge after bringing her into The Company. He plants a seed of distrust in Elle’s head when he confides that she wasn’t built to take that much electricity, that the experiments conducted on her changed her, that she used to be all about unicorns and cupcakes. Insinuating that Bob used The Haitian to mind-wipe her of traumatic memories, Bennet tells her he wants to arrange a trade. Elle is a bit worried her father won’t agree, but Bennet reassures her that she’d be surprised to see what daddies do for their daughters.

Bob gets a call from Bennet regarding the daughter swap. Claire listens in as they agree to meet in two hours at the beach for a sunset showdown and a ride on the boardwalk carousel. Bob and Claire have a father-daughter moment as well as they agree that Bennet isn’t big on listening much, and Bob takes the moment to try to recruit her for The Company. Claire remembers the painting she saw on Bennet’s laptop, and offers up her blood to save her father. Bob extracts some of the regenerative blood, which will be used approximately five minutes from now.

Perv.

Bennet tries to urge Emotard to go home, but Emotard is determined to save Claire with him. I must be getting soft, because even this Precious Moments segment moves me as Emotard and Bennet bond over the girl they both love. Mama Bennet observes and puts on a brave front as Bennet says goodbye to her. At the beach, Bennet and Emotard shoot the shit about what kind of car Emotard drives and how Bennet drove a Citroen as a teen. Elle rolls her eyes just as The Company Van pulls up. Mohinder steps out (Bennet, you really should duct-tape and hide anyone you think may kill you) with Bob and a cuffed Claire.

The exchange goes pretty smoothly, with Elle and Claire sizing each other up as they cross paths. All my guy friends swear up and down there’s some subtle lesbian tension in the exchange, but I think it’s more of the competitive girl streak coming out. Bennet embraces Claire, and just as she remembers the painting, he shoves her into Emotard’s arms. Emotard takes off but doesn’t get very far as Elle quickly turns on her heel and shoots a lightning bolt at the pair. They slam into the ground but appear unharmed, Claire being Emotard’s cushion.

I’m not an ambi-turner.

The action escalates as Bennet instinctively shoots Elle in the arm, causing her to yelp in pain. Bob runs to his daughter, as fathers are wont to do, and Bennet sees his opportunity to end Bob and The Company once and for all. Mohinder places himself across from Bennet and pulls out HIS gun, although I thought Bennet took it away from him earlier. I’m silently muttering “Shitshitshitshit!” as they square off and Bennet begins to pull the trigger on Bob. Mohinder, who probably sucks at shooting Nerf guns, manages to shoot Bennet directly in the eye, breaking the horn-rimmed glasses and effectively ending his Lenscrafters warranty once and for all. Raise your hand if you now hate Mohinder more than Niki.

Claire breaks free from Emotard, who tries to restrain her, and the universe is just all fucked up right now. If only Hiro would show up to reverse this. claire could run to her father and give him some of her blood, Adam-style, I think, but Emotard flies her off to safety. The Supreme Court, watching this episode, decides immediately to re-evaluate the 2nd Amendment, after using a whole box of tissues.

Boom, headshot!

Back at Casa de dead Bennet, Claire breaks the news to Mama, who collapses onto the floor and sobs. Claire blames herself for her last words being “I hate you!” to her father. Actually, they were “Dad, the painting!” and you hugged him, so you should get over it and help your mom deal.

In The Company Van, Elle appears to be driving home, gunshot wound and all. Bob glances at her worriedly. Mohinder is holding the Gun of Destiny in his hands, and wonders what the exchange rate is to Swords of Destiny. A recurring theme has been “Certain things are in God’s hands” and “Don’t play God” but surely some of our Heroes are agnostics, determinists, and atheists, right?

Parkman gets the name of the redheaded woman out of Mama Petrelli, even though it requires him to use his powers in a less-than-honorable way. It’s Victoria Pratt, who will definitely not be happy to see Parkman on her doorstep. Hiro vows that every blow he strikes for justice is for his father. Mama Bennet cries over the loss of her husband, and even Mr. Muggles sheds a tear. Claire tries to spoon the pain away with Emotard. Lyle is nowhere to be seen.

But wait! An IV drip that contains a small vial of blood suspiciously similar to the one extracted from Claire is attached to a man. Papa Bennet lives, and his eyeball regenerates as quickly as Nathan’s face did. You can see the life come back into his eyes as he gasps a huge breath and sits up, only to find himself half naked and inside The Company. Holy crap.

Underpants gnomes strike again.

Two more to go. Next week: Someone will threaten to release the Shanti virus. 93% of the world’s population will die if someone doesn’t intervene. Claire scatters her father’s “ashes” although I’m not sure how they police would be able to match up their fake identity to a body that is clearly not Bennet’s. Does Bennet die twice, like D.L? Hot-blooded males cheer as Elle and Claire fight each other. Sorry, it’s not a Jell-o wrestling match. Hiro confronts Peter about his new buddy, Adam. Victoria Pratt is going to be super-pissed to see Parkman on her doorstep. Here’s my favorite two seconds of this episode:

The Many Faces of Bob.