Heroes: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

This week on Heroes: all the people who took last week off are back. Last week: Hiro and HRG and Samuel and Sylar. This week: Claire and Peter… and HRG and Samuel and Sylar. Never mind. I thought I had something there but I guess not. Maybe it’ll come back to me. Let us return to Scooby-Doo and the Case of the Invisible Sorority Killer. Shag and Scoob just saw Daphne Claire heal up after being impaled on a meathook and are naturally a bit freaked. You must be tripping, is Claire’s response. No really. She says she just had a hallucination, so Becky must have slipped something in their Dasani. Is there any drug you can put in water that doesn’t change the taste? Probably not, but we’re dealing with sorority girls here. Velma Gretchen pipes up and says she saw Shaggy and Scooby making out. And when you call them Shaggy and Scooby it sounds a lot grosser than two sorority girls making out would actually be. And just like that, the cat goes back in the bag.

Which sounds a lot naughtier than “Claire’s secret is still safe”. On second thought, maybe not.

BO-ring. One day, Heroes. One day there will be too many memories to erase and the secret will be out. That’s the episode I can’t wait to see. Claire is ready to wash her hands of this mess, but Gretchen is taking all this a lot more seriously now that it’s her life in danger. Run, Retchin. Run away and never come back.

NYC

There’s been a trainwreck. No, I don’t mean the last episode. I mean there was an actual accident. Kind of like that episode of Grey’s where the ferry crashed. Peter is happy because he gets to use Death Kid’s power to heal the whole city. He catches Emma’s eye on the way into the hospital. I’m glad to see that they’ve both gotten on with their lives after Hiro up and vanished before they could save him. It’s almost like he was never there, huh? That’s what was gnawing at me back in the first paragraph! I bet that’s why they alternate storylines and weeks. So they can just drop those pesky loose ends on the floor and maybe we won’t notice. Nice try, but I’m onto you guys now.

LA

Ready for some hot Bad Sylar/Parkman action? Sylar’s got them at the airport catching a flight to New York, because the last thing Sylar remembers is Peter (who he calls “the Italian Eagle Scout”, LOL) giving him an injection. The X-ray machine finds a gun stashed in a roll of socks in the suitcase. Matt must have some big feet if he can hide a gun inside a sock without it being obvious. Or maybe he just Jedi-mind-tricked Sylar. Yeah, that’s probably it. Sylar tries to do the same and fool the guards into letting him through anyway, but it doesn’t work for him. I guess whoever’s not driving gets to control the radio. Parkman 1, Bad Sylar 0.

You’re the man now, dog!

Carnival

I have to hand it to the writers, they always figure out a way to squeeze in more of what the focus groups want. You liked Season 1 better? No problem, we’ll just go back in time and rehash it. Want more Sylar? Sure thing, now he can be in two places at once! Wonder if Quinto’s getting paid double. Good Sylar wakes up in what looks like Lydia’s trailer, complete with beads, and a bunch of Nathan’s memories come flashing back. He morphs into Nathan, walks out of the trailer and flies away in his pajamas. (See what I mean about rehashing Season 1?) T-Sam and Lydia come out of the next trailer and discuss lost causes. Are they talking about Sylar, Death Kid, Peter, Tracy or Claire? Their evil plan to recruit all the Heroes is not working out so well. They’ve only managed to snag Hiro so far. Where is Hiro, anyway? I half expected him to run out and yell “Flying Man!” when Sylar/Nathan took off.

Wossamotta U

Because it’s cool to tie unrelated scenes together, Retchin also uses the words “lost cause” while continuing to wig out over almost being assassinated. Claire is going to head over to the sorority and have it out with Becky. Retchin is afraid to go with, but also afraid to stay behind. She doesn’t have powers, but she does have a bottle of baby powder to shake on Becky and make her visible. Claire leaves, looking kind of guilty. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the movies, it’s always safer to split up when a killer is after you. Right?

Take this one, PLEASE.

Back at the trainwreck, a doctor puts Emma to work holding pressure on a wound. Now that’s an efficient use of manpower. Never use a tourniquet when a whole employee will do. Emma remembers she used to be in med school, sees a well-placed suture kit lying on the floor and rips it open with her teeth.

That’s got to be five kinds of unsanitary. Don’t forget to lick the wound clean before you stitch it up.

Peter sees her doing doctor-y stuff, gives her the old thumbs up and heals a burn victim before almost passing out from exhaustion. Looks like this power takes a lot out of him. It’s not easy, you know. Not like changing the fabric of spacetime or flying 300 miles an hour.

Over at the sorority house, Shag and Scoob are fighting over whose Halloween costume gets to be the sluttiest. If there’s one thing I regret about my adolescence, it’s that it happened before the Mandatory Sexy Women’s Costume Act of 2000. Claire shows up and asks for Becky, but no one’s seen her or even remembers the slaughterhouse scavenger hunt from two episodes ago. The Haitian steps out of a doorway…

One of these things does not belong.

Make that two. HRG is there too. Looks like they’ve erased all memory of that particular episode from the sorority girls’ brains. Wish they could erase my memory of it too. HRG says he always comes running when his daughter calls. Nothing like Daddy’s Girl to ease the Death Kid trauma, or did the Haitian erase that too?

Sylar and Matt are now going on a road trip, courtesy of the gun stashed in the suitcase. Seems like that’s the kind of thing that would get you sent directly to jail, don’t pass Go, don’t collect $200, but maybe Matt Jedi’d them out of that too. The piece of junk they’re driving gets a flat tire.

They made a wrong turn at Albuquerque. Was Bugs Bunny driving the car?

While Matt plays more mind games, Sylar tries to change the tire without success. He’s in a lousy mood. Hey, this is kinda fun. Like a twisted buddy movie. A tow truck shows up to change the tire for them. Two guys in a car and neither one can change the tire? You know what the driver is thinking. Oh wait, I forgot, one of the buddies is in the other one’s head. Matt makes Sylar trip while going to get the lug wrench. Parkman 2, Sylar 0.

Over his bangs, I bet.

Sylar bashes the tow truck driver’s head in with the lug wrench to make himself feel better. Nice try, @JamesProps. Have you seen the lug wrenches that come with today’s cars? They’re toothpicks. Anyway, Sylar’s on the scoreboard now, and and that’s all that matters. Parkman 2, Sylar 1.

Claire reminds Daddy of the rules they agreed on when she called him to bail her out of the mess that was episode-before-last. “Recap for me,” she says. I’m working on it, babe, but it’ll take the rest of the week. I got kids, you know. Claire tells him he can clean up the sorority chicks but he can’t wipe Gretchen’s memory. Which is all most of us want him to do. And WHOA the Haitian opens his mouth and speaks his second line of the whole series: “I am coming with you Claire.” I bet dude gets time-and-a-half for this episode. The Haitian isn’t going to erase Retchin, he’s just there to disable Becky’s power so she can’t sneak up on them. Claire is like oh, I forgot he could do that, shuts up and goes back to her room. I think we all forgot he could do that. Claire, you might want to stay fifty feet away at all times, or someone with a gun could end you real quick.

Across the country, Steve Martin and John Candy are back on the road.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Seattle Grace

Peter has evidently healed all the trainwreck victims now, because he’s exhausted and Emma’s just sitting around with nothing to do. Emma does what Emma does, which is try to talk him out of using his power before it kills him. “And be ordinary?” Hmm, complex much, Petrelli? Since we’re talking complexes, Emma admits to being a med school dropout.

And Peter admits he’s growing the bangs back one hair at a time.

Claire finds Retchin packing to go home, and all twelve Heroes fans across the country volunteer to help. Retchin is doing the thing Tracy did two episodes ago, which is blame someone else for all the bad stuff that’s happened to her. Correct me if I’m wrong, Retch, but wasn’t it you doing the stalking? Claire begs her to stay, she doesn’t want to lose her, and then she plays her trump card: she reveals the Haitian’s name. It’s…

René!

And seven of the twelve Heroes fans just quit watching the show, because the last secret’s out. Also out is Gretchen, who leaves with one last bitter parting shot: “I’m not like you.”

I mean, I did wear your clothes despite being six inches taller, but still. You don’t have a Beaker mouth or small animals living in your hair. We are so over.

Ding dong, the Retch is dead! Not literally, but there’s still time. Rene follows her out. As Claire makes sad horns, there’s a knock at the door. It’s T-Sam, who is somehow more places at once than Hiro and Sylar put together. And each one has a different personality!

• Crazy Preacher T-Sam, the base model;
• Yoda T-Sam, training Good Sylar;
• Doc Brown T-Sam, from last episode;
• And this new one, Forrest Gump T-Sam.

Just think of the action figure possibilities!

Forrest Gump T-Sam is looking for his “niece” Becky. She’s across campus in the sorority house, spying on HRG searching her room. You can tell by the swishy noise announcing her presence. Kind of defeats the purpose of being invisible, but ok. HRG pulls his government-issue Tazer, warns her that he knows how to handle invisible people, and she shows her face.

That thing? Looks like it’s made of Styrofoam.

In case you didn’t get your fill of Burnt Toast last week, our road-tripping buddies are back in Midland, Texas! Sylar orders a Diet Coke (they paid their product-placement cash) from the Waitress Who Isn’t Charlie. Her name is Lynette. I’m glad they’re sort of tying last week’s episode in here, but really, is it worth it? I’d be fine with just forgetting last week ever happened. This show is so much better when they’re playing head games instead of time games. Sylar threatens to kill Lynette if Matt doesn’t tell him where his body is.

Suddenly, Hiro teleports in and stops time just in time!

Kidding! When he said to save the waitress, he only meant pretty young ones. I just wanted to use my new hotkey.

T-Sam has switched back to Crazy Preacher Samuel and is telling Claire all about his carny family. He says not to be too hard on poor Becky, her dad was killed when she was 5. Meanwhilz, Becky is telling HRG the same sad story across campus. Becky’s power first showed up when she was hiding from HRG after he killed her dad during another bag-and-tag gone wrong. I guess this is before they switched to Tazers. She wants to get revenge by doing to his daughter what was done to her; namely, off her dad. Or something. It’s kind of a lot of psychopath rambling. A couple of sorority girls barge in and save her. Speaking of psycho rambling, Samuel is still going on to Claire about what a bother normal people are. I think he actually believes most of his nonsense. She asks him how he deals with it and he says “I don’t deal with it… I surround myself with people like me.”

I’m really happy for you, Ima let you finish, but that’s exactly what’s wrong with America today.

Just as Claire is starting to get all hypnoticized by Samuel’s magic words, HRG sticks his head into Claire’s room. It’s a faceoff! HRG draws his gun. I must stress that this is not the styrofoam Tazer he just pointed at Becky. This one looks like it shoots real bullets. Keeping up with all of HRG’s weapons must get confusing. I hope he at least keeps them in separate pockets. Then comes the line of the season, nay, the Moment of the Season so far, in which Jack Coleman channels a decent Clint Eastwood. Not the “get off my lawn” Eastwood either. “What would Bennet do?”

At last we meet, for the first time, for the last time!

I need a commercial quick, I feel a man crush coming on here. I fast-forward through an ad for Trauma, and I think for a sec that it’s another trainwreck scene where Peter is saving people. Can we get Peter out of the hospital, please? Even the Irish pub from Season 2 would be an improvement. There are enough medical shows on already without a SyFy action show pretending to be one. (I don’t watch the SyFy channel, but I hate that new spelling. It’s just not rite.)

Back to the Faceoff

T-Sam has chosen his Forrest Gump personality for the showdown with HRG. Mistake. Claire is all “oh hey Dad, yeah, I was just stalling him for ya,” which almost makes it seem like she knows all about Samuel already. I know there was that one time last season when she was playing vigilante and going through HRG’s files on her own, but I think they’d have said something. HRG and T-Sam rehash the season so far, using the compass HRG got from Edgar as a visual aid. Has he been carrying that thing around in his pocket the whole time just in case? Samuel’s accent starts getting thicker as he insists he just wants help for his poor damaged invisible niece. HRG wants answers. Everybody wants something. I just want Gretchen to stay gone. And bringing Micah back would be kinda cool. Oh well. Not holding my breath on that one.

Back at the hospital, Emma is tending to a little girl.

Molly?! Is it really you?

She has a collapsed lung. If you read any of my House recaps, you know this calls for a standard Drastic Medical Procedure: stab her in the chest to equalize the pressure and blow her lung back up. Peter could heal her, of course, but where’s the drama in that? He’s probably just letting her do it so she can use her first-year med student skillz. Emma fixes Not-Molly’s lung with only a little drama.

Greg House would have used a rusty nail and a straw.

Sadly, the faceoff is over for now, as HRG slaps handcuffs on T-Sam. It’s a good thing he just happened to have those with him today, huh? And the compass. And both guns. T-Sam is still running his mouth for Claire’s benefit. “You should watch how you treat us in front of your daughter,” he says as HRG walks him to the car. Hey, did someone forget all about Becky? She sneaks up and knocks Claire down. Unlike her dad, Claire is unprepared, having forgotten to pack her baby powder. HRG points his gun at Becky, the *real* gun this time. T-Sam beats him to it and zaps Becky with the Tazer so he can look like the good guy. Claire begs HRG not to shoot the nice villains and he lets them go. Whew, close call, the season almost ended right there. Way to go, rookie.

Burnt Toast Diner

Sylar doodles while Parkman spills his guts. When Matt made Sylar think he was Nathan, he had no idea he’d end up with Bad Sylar stuck in his head. “Well, that’s just crazy,” says Sylar when he hears the plan. Well, he would know, I guess. They head out to the parking lot. I half expect to see the whole rest of the cast still hanging around out there after last episode. Sirens in the distance and here come the cops. What’s going on? Well, it turns out that Matt was controlling Sylar’s doodling.

He could have skipped the first four words. This is Texas. Everyone’s got a gun. And who the hell is Phillip?

They’re surrounded in about three seconds by all the cop extras from the Death Kid episode. Matt plays his last card-he grabs control of his body and pretends to reach inside his jacket for a gun. The cops turn him into Swiss cheese. The Matt inside Matt’s head fades out.

Execution by suicide by cop. Dag, yo.

Claire and Daddy head back to Claire’s dorm room. Claire’s victory buzz is harshed when she sees’s Gretchen’s empty bed. My victory buzz just got, um, buzzier. Woohoo, she’s still gone! HRG is sorry, because he wants his little girl to have everything. Except a girlfriend. He’s old school that way.

Back at the hospital, Peter’s already healed everybody and Emma is again out of stuff to do. She plays the piano while gazing at a boy’s picture. So far, most boring superhero yet. Peter swings by and she explains that the boy is her nephew Christopher, who drowned while she was babysitting him. Then she quit med school out of guilt because she couldn’t save him. Mr. Empath knows just what to do-he gives her Not-Molly’s tiara. “You saved her,” he points out. Did he steal that thing off Not-Molly? Because that would be awesome. But no, she wanted Emma to have it. “No, you saved me,” Emma replies. She might even go back to med school now. She asks if Peter can still see sounds like her. Nope, he says, “but we can still play if you like.” Keep the sexually ambiguous lines coming, writers. We’ll still notice the plot holes, but at least we’ll be laughing.

Now we’re back to a scene that looks just like the Trauma commercial. I start to fast forward again, but that’s Parkman in that ambulance getting paddled. Hey, I know. Texas is only a few thousand miles from Manhattan, right? Let’s fly him there and Peter can heal him! Whaddaya say? Otherwise the season could still end real quick.

Claire wakes up and looks over at Retchin’s bed. Wonder what she’s thinking.

“But I had so many raunchy ideas to put in my first sex tape.”

Emma gets her old doctor’s coat out of the closet.

“Can I be in it too, Claire? I like to dress up. Promise I won’t tell your uncle.”

Becky and T-Sam are already back at the carnival. I think this place is in the Twilight Zone, it just seems to pop up wherever it’s needed. Surprising no one, Sam still thinks they have Claire right where they want her. He promises Becky she’ll still get her revenge on Claire. Lydia interrupts this cheery conversation to announce that Sylar has flown the coop. In case you forgot like I did, he morphed into Nathan and took off way back at the beginning of the episode. Wherever he’s going, I’m sure Parkman and Bad Sylar won’t be far behind.

Back at home, HRG decides he’s had enough of the bare walls in his bachelor crib. He liked what Peter did with his place, so he starts tacking up Samuel-related newspaper articles. Kind of slim pickings, I bet, unless he picked up a subscription to Carny Fancy? Or maybe he’s just using Peter’s old decorations because Peter is busy taking his Wall of Fame down. Gotta keep the place neat if he’s going to be having chicks over. There’s a knock at the door. Is that a booty knock already? The place isn’t picked up yet. But it’s not Emma. It’s even better. It’s Nathan! I mean it’s Good Sylar! Well, close enough.

Sweet sweet Petrelli bromance is back!

And just like that, another Heroes is in the can! Big improvement over the past couple of weeks in my opinion. Enjoy this one while you can, because according to the previews, Mohinder will be back. Probably bringing his Mohologue with him. Oh, and yep, looks like Peter is going to fix Matt up. Maybe he hitches a ride on Air Goodsylarnathan? More importantly, can’t anyone stay dead on this frickin show?