This week on Heroes, HRG goes all Mr. Miyagi on Claire, we learn that at ten years old, Hiro was officially retarded, and Sylar gets some ass.
Hi there I’m calling to trade my one facial expression in for something, I dunno, hawter.
“There’s a moment in every war when everything changes,
A moment when the road bends,
Alliances and battle lines shift,
Shows you love go insane and start blabbering nonsense,
and you can set your watch to the bombs going off every Monday night,…”
Wait. Where was I? Suresh’s monologues are starting to hit too close to home for me. FF. When we open, Papa P is sitting in his office with white eyes drawing pictures of the future. He’s evil, so the pictures aren’t in vibrant colors like all the other heroes’. His are just in pencil. All the people look the same in these drawings and I can never tell what’s going on, but it looks like a terrorist guy is making out with a blonde chick, another blonde chick is bleeding and being carried around by the terrorist guy, who is now wearing glasses, and there’s a full page of boobies. That’s enough, Papa P!
White eyes can be better than internet porn.
Pinehurst – Elle is showing Sylar how to use his new power. He’s having trouble getting it. He had no problem learning how to toss trucks with his fingers or to blow himself up like a nuclear bomb, but ok. He’s frustrated because he has to prove himself to…he doesn’t want to tell Elle to who. Enter Papa P, who Sylar calls sir. Ding ding ding! Papa wants him to find Claire and bring her back. Elle offers to go along, because let’s face it. That Veronica Mars spinoff just isn’t gonna happen. Sylar reminds her that she’s done being evil and she’s all if you’re evil I’m evil. Let’s make out. Papa tells them that they’re a good match. Thanks, Yenta. Then Sylar calls him Daddy and Elle gets a disturbed look on her face. So do I.
Villain Jail – Claire asks Mama P the same question we’ve been asking for two seasons. “Why is it always me?” Mama P explains that Tim Kring is fresh out of movie plot lines to steal from and believes in recycling. She adds that Nathan and Matt will be bringing back the Haitian and Hiro, respectively. In the mean time, Claire needs to just keep herself hidden so no one tries to kidnap her and use her catalyst juice. Claire’s all “but I’m not a girl, not yet a woman!” and Mama’s all “You drive me crazy I just can’t sleep” and tells her that she needs to stop whining and shut her trap before the world ends. There’s an eclipse comin’, y’all!
Claire sees the slimy fat dude that controls thoughts and the vet with the golden hand. Wait! I thought he was the one Suresh was experimenting on last week! My bad. I apologize to the vet for assuming the deformed dude was him. Anyhoozle, Mama says that she’s not planning on locking Claire up, she’s making her spend time with her dad instead. Claire’s all “Parents just don’t understand” and HRG’s all “that should be a rap song.”
Why does it always look like Claire’s wearing a bad wig?
Primatech – Peter’s begging Nathan to take him on his flight to Haiti to find the Haitian. I wonder if the Haitian is called the Haitian when he’s in Haiti. I’d imagine that would get mighty confusing. Peter doesn’t want to come just for piggy back’s sake. There’s a war lord slave trader drug dealer bad guy that he wants to take down. Without powers. Or a gun. Or even a popped collar. Nathan says he’s just on a simple pick up mission and isn’t in the mood to save Haiti. Maybe they could lobby Oprah to open a school there or something. But Peter says that when he found out he had powers he felt that he had also found a purpose for living and just because he’s lost them doesn’t mean that….then he starts sobbing til boogars fly out of his nose so Nathan agrees to the piggy back and they fly off.
Suresh is digging through the guts of the dead dude he was experimenting on last week, but it’s hard for him to concentrate cuz his scaly ass hands hurt.
Dove. Look it up.
Of course, his face is still pristine.
I’m glad you haven’t let turning into a lizard get in the way of your facials.
Suresh freaks out about his scaliness and rushes into Papa P’s office to yell at him about not being cured yet. Papa P’s like keep your awkward line readings to yourself because I drew a dead cheerleader, which means taint no one getting cured. Suresh is all but Claire can’t die! And she can’t get fat! And she can’t get pimples! Yet there she is, all fat and pimply and dead, being wheeled out on a dolly in the pic Papa drew.
Suresh freaks out because if Claire dies then he won’t be cured. Way to be selfish, ass. He figures it might have something to do with the coming eclipse, since that’s what seemed to bring on everyone’s powers in the first place. Papa shows him another drawing. Kirstie Alley as a size two winning an Emmy. Weird. I guess he can do the past, too. Then he flips to a page of a guy’s head peeking out of a pod of goo. Suresh assumes that means he’s gonna die. Huh? That guy doesn’t even look like Suresh at all. Does this show have a budget for an artist or is Kring just getting the homeless people on Venice Beach to sketch shit out for a can of beans and some cigarettes?
Or this could be Kirstie Alley getting out of bed in the morning in the present. These drawings are too hard to decipher.
Brooklyn – Parkman is trying to come up with a plan to find Hiro. And by making a plan, I mean he’s breathing funny and shaking his jowels. Daphne is nervous and pacing because she’s afraid of Papa P. Matt tells her to calm down, but she gets hysterical and says that no one should trust her because she’s a Delilah and blah blah blah. She asks if Matt trusts her and he says that he’s so hard up for a girlfriend he’ll tell her whatever she needs to hear. There’s a pounding at the door and it’s Hiro and Ando. They’re there because the comic book told them to go there to have Parkman fiddle with Hiro’s brain. Hiro is jumping up and down and pinching his wee wee and as Daphne watches him run off, she gets a look on her face that says it all.
If this shit keeps up, I’m gonna be out of a job.
HRG and Claire show up at the empty house of the guy who made black holes. Claire’s acting like a spoiled smart ass brat because she thinks her dad just cares about her because she’s the catalyst and he tells her that he loves her. AW! I would have preferred a good old fashioned beating, but everyone has different ideas of what good parenting is.
Back in Brooklyn, Peter is shaking his jowls and trying to read Hiro’s mind, but all he can hear is the Dora the Explorer theme in Japanese.
Dong dong ding dong chaka khan a ling long.
Daphne thought Ando was dead, but here he is looking all hot. He hates her and calls her nemesis but she says that she switched over to the good side and gives him scouts honor. At least I think that’s what it is. I know it will shock you to learn that I wasn’t a boy scout, but there you go. I was more of a Brownie type. Parkman tells them that Hiro’s brain is really scrambled, but the important thing is that he can still use his powers. Cut to Hiro and the turtle in the aquarium nodding at each other. That turtle is my favorite cast member at the moment. It’s the only one who doesn’t have really bad lines to say.
Out of nowhere, Daphne gets hysterical again and says that no one understands her and she’s leaving. Huh? She adds that Matt paused when she asked him if he trusted her. Uh yeah cuz like earlier in the day you gave him up to Papa P. Give the man some time, Delilah. He gets into her head and hears her thoughts. “God I don’t wanna have to wake up every morning again to go to stupid auditions my agent told me this was the best show on TV fuck Tim Kring I’m gonna kill that bastard Kansas”. Parkman jumps on the Kansas part, which freaks her out. She speeds off, which makes Hiro jump up and down squealing like a little girl pig. Matt shakes his jowls.
I love any show that gives Betty White a guest spot.
Elle and Sylar are renting a car. I don’t know why that’s so funny to me, but it is. Sylar knows that Claire’s with HRG, and because they worked together for like a day, he knows HRG well enough to know just where he’s taken Claire. He also knows that HRG is ticklish and that he wears pink socks with care bears on them. Elle says that she’s sick of him acting like a boy scout and following orders, so she told the car rental guy that he’s a serial killer and he kidnapped her. Sure enough, the Car Rental Guy comes out with a shotgun. Elle starts loudly taunting Sylar about being a wuss, and the Car Rental Guy conveniently doesn’t hear any of that, even though he’s standing right in front of her. Oy. This show is giving me a headache. He hits Sylar in the head with the butt of the gun and says he’s gonna kill him and tell the popo that it was self defense. Sylar’s wound heals and clocks start ticking. “I hate Heroes.” I don’t hate Heroes, but the past few weeks are swaying me to his side.
Suresh is back in the lab, repeating “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me” into his recorder over and over again. He has a cough. Like most people do when they’re bored, he starts toying around with the dead guy’s guts. Damn. Clean that guy up already. They’re called maggots and they’ll make you barf. EW! The goo stuff is seeping from his hands now. And he has something on his face! Oh shit! I’ll bet he caused a ruckus when he read that shit in the script.
In the empty house, HRG throws Claire some chopsticks and tells her to catch a fly. She says that’s stupid. Then he catches one and she’s kind of amazed. She tries, but can’t get it. He calls her immature and unfocused and takes her outside and makes her paint a fence. She’s all f this I don’t do manual labor and he tells her she’s a spoiled brat. While she paints and splatters everything around her, she argues that she’s trying to use her powers to do good, and he reminds her that she’s constantly screwing up and almost got her both of her mothers killed. He pulls out some Turtle Wax and forces her to wax a car, and she starts crying and whining like a shrew. He tells her that if she’s gonna be a real hero she needs to stop being such a pussy. He takes her through their lessons of catching the fly and wax on wax off, etc, but she’s still graceless. He shows her a picture of Elizabeth Shue and she doesn’t even get a little bit red in the face. His training isn’t working! As a last resort, he whips out a boom box and tells her it’s either train or die. Miraculously, she gets it! She really gets it!
What a maniac!
Tracy calls Papa P to tattle tale on Nathan for going to find the Haitian. Papa says he’s gonna cut him into a million pieces and Tracy’s like “you’re not gonna hurt him, are you?” No, you dumbshit. He’s gonna buy him a Playstation and apologize for never being there. Why is every character Ali Larter plays a fucking moron? And why do they all have huge teeth? Papa tells her to use her connections over at Paris Island. At first she thinks he’s referring to a celeb STD center in WeHo, but it turns out it’s a military training facility he wants to use to train his own army. Mama P walks in and hears her conversation and Tracy tries to brush it off with a giggle and a buck toothed smile. “Washington. I guess there’s no rest for the wicked.” Mama tells her apparently not. Oh snap!
What’s Lipstick Jungle? And why are we getting on the same bus to nowhere as Brooke Shields?
Back at the Brooklyn apartment, Parkman tries to get Ando to explain to Hiro that they need to follow Daphne to Kansas because big dorks like him don’t get the chance to bag cute thin hotties but once in a lifetime. Ando, helpful as ever, just makes his goofy ass face, but thankfully Hiro understands the word Kansas somehow and points out that the cornfields are in his comic book. Wow. Who ever wrote that comic book is just as out of ideas as Kring. And off they go!
Parkman teaches Hiro to say “holy crap” and they rush towards a farmhouse. As they do, the eclipse begins! Papa knows where they are because he just drew a super vague picture of two guys with squinty eyes hanging out with a fat dude in a cornfield. He’s furious and throws his drawings on the ground. Meanwhile, Suresh, mortified by his earlier scene involving face makeup, lays down and gets a facial.
Whale sperm is expensive, but it takes five years off.
Jesus. Can we blame this mess on the eclipse, too?
Suresh wakes up in his pod thing and breaks out of it. Heroes porn! My review, nice bum, but he’s built like a Ken doll in the front. Sad horns.
Not gonna be having any Suresh babies any time soon.
The first thing he does, predictably, is run to the mirror to check his face. No more scales! Hurahh! Strike off! The eclipse changed him back to normal, boring personality free Suresh. We missed ya, buddy! In Haiti, Nathan has lost his powers too and he and Peter fall from the sky. Thank goodness for that swamp, eh? Peter, who’s not usually the sharpest tool in the shed, thinks it must be because of the eclipse, since they all got their powers during an eclipse. Nathan blames the Haitian, who must be nearby; or, as he puts it, “maybe it’s this whole damn country.” You just got to Haiti and already you’re slamming it. That’s just rude.
They walk through the jungle and come across some cabbage patch dolls hanging from a tree. Peter explains that they are messengers and cries for redemption. Dang. I never took mine so seriously. And yes, I had multiple Cabbage Patch dolls. Discuss.
In Kansas, Parkman knocks on the farmhouse door and asks an old dude to speak with Daphne. He says she’s not home, but Parkman shouts out for her anyway. She tells him to go away. The old man won’t let him pass, so Parkman starts making jowly faces and squinting his eyes, trying to brainwash the guy, but nothing happens. The old man tells him that he has no problem with gay people, but he doesn’t appreciate being cruised on his own porch.
Take a hike, Mary!
Inside the house, the old guy asks Daphne who the fatso is but she refuses to tell him. He doesn’t want to pelt her with questions, but she’s been gone for a long time. She breaks down and tells him that “it’s happening again.” He gets sad and says that he still has “them”. Then Daphne tries to cry. It’s almost touching.
In the jungle, Nathan and Peter get to the edge of a cliff. Damn Nathan got them lost. His Blackberry was ruined in the swamp. Peter gets pissed and demands that he not be treated like the idiot little brother and Nathan counters that Peter’s a dumbshit and needs his life saved all the time and if he wants his respect he has to earn it. Peter says he doesn’t need respect from a spineless puppet and that in the future, Nathan chooses Papa P. Nathan tries to pretend that that doesn’t mean anything and says that he’s here now lost in the jungle and that’s what matters. So he becomes the leader of the free world, betrays his people, and brings on Armageddon. Get over it.
In the deserted house, Claire is finishing up her Maniac routine and she’s exhausted. HRG hands her a broken floor board and tells her to hit him. She won’t so he says that she needs to get all of her childhood issues out. She gets worked up and starts swinging while ranting about him never being home when she was a kid and wahwahwah. I liked it better when she was dancing, but she’s now suddenly an amazing fighter. One scene and she’s freakin Bruce Lee. She almost kills him, then stops and tries to get ahold of herself. He wants to talk it out, but thankfully Elle and Sylar show up to put an end to this nonsense.
I heard Flashdance. You will all dieeeee!
Elle tries to use her powers, but they’re gone. Sylar tries to take HRG’s gun with the swipe of his fingers, but he can’t. It’s kinda hilarious watching him move his fingers around like he’s playing on an iPhone and failing miserably. “WHY DOES SAFARI KEEP CRASHING GODDAMMMMIIT!?!?!” HRG doesn’t shoot him, which is stoooopid. Sylar jumps him and they roll around on the ground. We hear Sylar’s bones crack. Elle grabs the gun and aims for HRG, but Claire uses her new professional dance moves and shuffles off to buffalo in front of the bullet.
HRG grabs the floorboard and knocks Elle in the neck with it. Why didn’t he crush her skull? Hello people work with me here. HRG picks up Claire and carries her out, leaving both Sylar and Elle alive. ARGH. COME OOON! When are you ever gonna get another chance to kill him? WHEN? This show is putting me over the edge. Do you remember when it was awesome? I do. I had more hair then and I was ten pounds thinner. I digress. I digress because I am pissed. Sylar grabs the gun HRG left behind but by the time he aims, they’re gone.
HRG gets Claire to the hospital. No, cuz that would make some f ing sense. He takes her home to bleed all over the couch. Her mom freaks out and asks if she can’t heal why she’s not at the hospital, and he says that he doesn’t want it to seem fishy if she gets her powers back and heals. I think he forgot the second episode of the first season when she did just that and no one seemed to notice. She tells her dad she’s sorry for being a brat and he thanks her for saving his life. She says it’s actually good to feel some pain. AW! See, America, when your children act up you should get them shot. That’s the only way they learn. Claire just has a shoulder wound, and we all know what that means because we’ve seen it a million times on Miami Vice. She’ll be back in sockless loafers and blazers with t-shirts underneath in no time.
Next time you’ll clean your room the first time I ask you to, young lady!
The three stooges are in the corn field trying to figure out where their powers went. Parkman is kinda freaking out, so Hiro starts throwing corn at him and telling him that a hero must stick to his quest. I actually didn’t make that up. It’s really happening right now. Throwing. Corn. Parkman catches a stalk, which is supposed to prove something. Hiro congratulates him and says “please don’t hurt me” in Japanese. Parkman answers “I won’t hurt you.” So he knows Japanese now? Are there actual people paid to write this crap anymore or do they just tell the actors to make some shit up and use their Sprint phones in as many scenes as possible?
Funny, because I think Sprint is failing miserably, too.
Parkman runs off to save Daphne and Hiro tells Ando that he has an idea to get their powers back. They leave Parkman at the house and walk down the dirt road. Parkman’s so gonna have hurt feelings. Hiro says that he learned the corn lesson from the “Saturday Samurai Matinee Showdown”. It seems like they’re getting everything from the Muppet Babies, the Saturday morning cartoon about MAKING SHIT UP. They have finished the comic book, but Hiro knows where to find more. Every town has a place where wise men gather. There’s the Greek oracle at Delphi, the Library at Alexandria, the Ivy on Robertson…wow. Hiro knew a lot when he was ten. If you want a comic book, you should probably get to the comic book store. What’d I miss?
Suresh is recording himself singing “No Man Left for Me” into his tape recorder because he’s so happy that his sickness is gone. He looks up Maya on Google and figures now that his skin is pristine again he’ll go get a little tang. Papa shows up with Jethro and they force him to stay to get their powers working again. He’s shocked. I’m sure Brad Pitt felt the same way the first time Angelina threw him up against the wall and told him he’d be spending quality time with their six brats instead of going out and doing lines with his friends. Who do you think you’re working for, bitches?
OW my face! I just whale spermed you bastard!
Hiro and Ando arrive at a comic book store, and Ando thinks it’s ridiculous. Looking for a comic book in a comic book store? THAT’S CRAZY! Stupid Ando. Hiro asks the clerk for the next issue, and looky there! It’s Dr. Evil’s tiny son standing on a milk crate alongside the stoner dude from Clueless.
Sinking ship? We’re in!
Peter and Nathan find the Haitian wandering around in the jungle. Glad that all just happened to work out in the middle of nowhere. They tell him they need him to come back and help him fight Papa, and he’s surprised the old guy’s still alive. “Does he still smell like Listerine and butt?” Yup. Nathan tells the Haitian to take the spell off him, but the Haitian says he no longer has powers cuz of the eclipse. Besides, he’s not going anywhere until he takes care of the big bad Voodoo terrorist guy, who’s his brother. Dundunduuuuun. The brother has impenetrable skin and has committed great crimes against humanity, so now that they don’t have powers they should f with him. Good plan! Peter’s in, Nathan’s not, but it doesn’t matter because machine guns start shooting away. Peter and the Haitian run, but Nathan surrenders and comes face to face with Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, who knows exactly who he is and says that Papa P warned him he’d be coming and that he’d cry a lot for no reason. Then he knocks him out and drags him away.
HRG sits by Claire’s bedside and after the I love yous, he tells her that she needs rest and he’ll be hanging out downstairs. Mom’s waiting for him outside the room and tells him not to leave when his daughter needs him. Come on lady, he’s trying to save the world. It’s not like he’s going to a strip club. As soon as he leaves, Claire’s mom brings her food and finds her bleeding everywhere. Ruhroh!
Longest. Eclipse. Ever.
Parkman waits in the cornfield til Daphne’s dad leaves, and then he knocks on the door and tells Daph that he’s in love with her and isn’t willing to give up on her. She lets him in, and he finds her on crutches. The island had mystical powers that gave her her walking ability back, but back in the real world she’s just another cripple and Jack’s a drunk who won’t shave. I’m sorry, different show. Or is it? I’m proud of Kring for finding someone new to rip off. Now if he can just make Kansas disappear he might get back on my good side.
….Elle puts a screaming Sylar’s shoulder back into place. He says that he loves being powerless and in love. Then he and Elle make out. Outside, HRG aims at them with a sniper rifle. YES!! Go, HRG!
Don’t worry. I will turn a big wheel and everything will be ok.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit