This week on Heroes, Claire’s Pirate Mom hijacks a Yemeni cargo ship.
Before we begin with tonight’s episode, I have to say that no matter how low this show goes, no matter how shitty it gets, no matter how frustrated and betrayed we as loyal viewers might feel now and in the future, we will always have this pic to get us through the rough times, and for that I have to thank the geniuses behind Heroes.
So I take it you’ve discovered Ron Jeremy’s powers.
Or, Longest Most Painful Eclipse Ever
No opening monologue today? RIP OFF! I have really come to look forward to those. Every time I hear the poetry goo out of Suresh’s mouth, I imagine Maya Angelou sitting at home feeling like she’s been kicked in the nuts.
We open in the jungle, with the Haitian trying as best he can to run from Peter’s really, super, way bad acting. He can’t. He’s like dammit why are you in the jungle anyways man? This is my evil brother not yours. And Peter’s all, well yeah but I have to know that I can still be a hero without my powers. Somehow, this touches the Haitian. He pats Peter on the head and gently says “oh, Peter. You’re so pretty.” Then they keep running.
Claire’s mom has taken her to the emergency room. Oh wah. I am so sure Claire’s gonna die. Know how I know she won’t? BECAUSE I SAW ALL OF THIS IN THE FIRST EPISODE OF SEASON ONE. The ER doc asks how long ago she was shot and mom says it just happened. The doc doesn’t buy it, because a normal body would have built up some kind of resistance to infection, and Claire’s a mess for having a shoulder wound. Mom asks if they can work on her Bell’s Palsey since they’re there anyways, and the doc’s like half your face doesn’t move and you’re just gonna have to learn to be ok with that.
Which side of you should I be talking to? I’m feeling uncomfortable.
In the abandoned house where Claire got shot in the shoulder, Sylar and Elle have just done it on the floor. If anyone’s wondering, Elle’s a top. Same as Veronica Mars. Come on, Kristen! Stretch a bit! They’re making out and grossing me out and Elle says that she hopes this whole loss of power thing is permanent so Sy’ll just be a regular guy with creepy eyebrows instead of a creepy serial killer with caterpillar face. She’s about to fish the Orbit out of his mouth with her tongue when a red dot appears on his forehead.
Too little too late, HRG. She screams and they run while Sylar tries to get his underoos on. HRG shoots Elle in the butt, which is kinda awesome, but why has no one on this show learned to make a head shot? He chases them into the alley, where they hide in a junk yard. Poor guy with the black hole hands lived in a seriously fucked up neighborhood. A junk yard behind your house. That’s just sad. HRG screams that he hopes they’re scared, just like Claire was. Then he growls “this ends today.” With the way this shit’s playing out, it just might. NBC’s just gonna put Deal or No Deal on 24 hours a day. And who would blame them?
Yay! Time for the Beverly D’Angelo webisode plug.
Let’s go on a European Vacation!
I will thwart your Vacation! I have Chevy Chase trapped in this ball!
Dang Illeana Douglas! You’ll take any job you can get.
Mom do my eyebrows look ok? I totally have to go save Chevy Chase or Beverly D’Angelo’s gonna be pissed.
Congrats, Kring. I don’t think you’ve stolen from The Matrix yet. Good one!
Chevy Chase? I should never have saved you from the ball! Ay Corumba!
Back in the jungle, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy has thrown Nathan into a jail cell that looks like the Tiki Room at Disneyland, where two dirty girls are also held captive. Nathan pulls out his best French. “Bonjour. Je suis Nathan. J’aime frites et de la fiertÃ© arcs-en-ciel. Nous allons dÃ©jeuner.” Uh, Nathan? You just told them that you like French Fries and pride rainbows. Dumbass. The girls are scared. As they should be. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy comes in and acts all evil.
He tells Nathan that a name says a lot about a person. Nathan’s all “so is that why you make people call you Big Bad Voodoo Daddy? Because you want them to think you’re a god and you can play jazz?” and BBVD counters with “is that why you call yourself senator?” Then he chuckles, like that was the best comeback ever. One of his thugs drags one of the girls out of the cell and says he’s selling her into slavery because she’s just a stupid woman and doesn’t get to choose her own fate. What is this? Mad Men? Nathan screams and yells and tries to be all manly, but Big Bad Voodoo Daddy says that Nathan’s only a man, but he’s a god. Then he pulls out a trumpet and starts playing “Oh When the Saints Come Marching In”. But evily.
Let my peephole go!
In the lab, Suresh is reading Encycopedia Brittanica about eclipses, then he watches an online video about them. He still just can’t figure it out! Suresh is probably the worst scientist ever. Has he ever done anything right? He’s sitting there staring at a big post it note that has Maya’s address written in big block letters. Subtle. Way to stay one step ahead of the game.
Now you’re Googling shit? Get back to the cab driving, LOSER!
Jethro’s keeping an eye on him, and since he no longer has nuclear stuff coming out of his hands, he’s flicking a zippo at him. Oooooh. Pardon me for asking, but can’t you just blow it out? Who would be scared of a zippo? Suresh, that’s who. Papa P comes in and says that he better find out wtf is going on with the eclipse or else. Then Jethro jumps on Suri and puts the zippo close to his hand. Suresh screams and cries. Not kidding. What a pussy.
You think that’s scary? Wait til he pulls out the safety pin.
Sylar and Elle are still hiding in the junk yard when HRG gets a call from his wife. She’s freaking out because she had to take Claire to the hospital. He tries to tell her to stay calm and she asks what she’s supposed to tell the police. “Tell them what I would tell them.” She gets a pissy look and says “You mean lie.” No. Tell them that your daughter usually can heal herself and can’t die. If it makes you feel better.
In Kansas, Daphne is on crutches and Matt’s like oh shit she’s a gimp. She explains that she until she got her powers, she wore a black leather body suit and mask and was kept chained up in a basement until Bruce Willis came to save her during an eclipse, which is when she got her powers and her hideous bleach job. She starts her hysterical “I’m bad and don’t deserve love” dreck. Matt reminds her that he’s desperate and refuses to go on a diet just to get another girl. Her dad comes home and she kicks Matt out to wander the cornfields singing John Mayer songs, because you know he’s cheesy like that.
Dude, the girl’s on freakin’ crutches. Would you please stop staring at her boobs?
In the lab, Suresh is getting a shot ready for Jethro that’s supposedly gonna “track what’s going on” inside his body. Jethro asks if he looks that stupid, and Suresh says yes and hits him with a microscope. Jethro jumps him and hits him multiple times in the face while Suresh screams “NOT MY FACE! IT’S IN MY CONTRACT YOU BITCH!” He starts hitting back until Jethro’s knocked out. Funny, cuz Jethro’s bleeding, but Suresh still looks gorgeous. He whips out a compact to check his makeup and then takes the giant post it note with Maya’s address before using Jethro’s Marriot Hilton Hotel key to escape.
Don’t forget your free continental breakfast on your way out.
In the comic book shop in Kansas, Hiro and Ando are trying to get the 9th Wonder comic books off of Dr. Evil’s tiny son and the stoner from Clueless. He gets them. That’s the only ink I’m sparing on that scene.
Sylar and Elle are at a Piggly Wiggly, and Elle’s ass is bleeding all over the floor. As Sylar bandages her up, she makes him promise that they’ll stick together because HRG is more powerful than them now and he’ll beat Sylar on his own. He needs a bloody assed girl who can’t walk to save him? I think ya need to bake that cake a little longer, hon. He promises, and a poor extra comes out with a mop, wondering why he didn’t go to college like his Papaw hounded him to.
I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Back to the jungle. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is about to rape the prisoner chick when Mariska Hargitay shows up crying “It’s my fauuuult! WAAAAH!” Kidding. Peter knocks him in the head and the girl runs. The Haitian comes in and BBVD, who’s shocked that he’s bleeding, tells the H that he will have to kill him to stop him. No, that would be smart, and that just doesn’t happen on this show. The Haitan gun butts him in the head instead. Wuss!
Hiro is reading all of the comic books about himself in the shop, and he’s saddened when he sees what a promising character he was in season one. “WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME?” Matt comes in. How did he know they was there? WHO CARES? The stoner dude from Clueless tells them all that according to the comic books, there was an eclipse when everyone got their powers, and there’s an eclipse now which means that everyone will get their powers back when the eclipse is over. Head slap. COME ON!! We all knew that like an hour and twenty minutes ago. I was really hoping Kring would make some kind of effort to not take the easiest, most obvious route out of this one. Maybe he’ll be less of a hack when the eclipse is over. Not crossing my fingers.
Parkman sees in the book that Daphne runs away from the Kansas shack, so he briskly walks back to get her before the eclipse is over. Hiro whines about not wanting to get his powers back cuz he’ll have to grow up and it’s too fucking depressing. Tell me about it. I paid a Pier One bill today that rendered me broke until 2009. Ah well, at least I have this extremely uncomfortable pleather/wicker chair to write in. Hiro saw some pic of a dead guy, but since the artist sucks I can’t tell who it is. Wait I think he has squinty eyes. Ando?
Daniel Dae Kim? George Takei? Carrie Anne Inaba? You tell me.
I would like to point out that Ando did a respectable job of being Ando in this scene.
In Tiki Room prison, Nathan decides that he’ll take this time to confess his sins to the little girl prisoner since she can’t understand a damn thing he’s saying. I do that with my cleaning lady! Well, not so much confess as complain about men not willing to commit just because I’m chubby and don’t have a real job or much ambition. Nathan says that he had power and influence and could have used it to help people and be a real hero but instead he just cheated on his wife and whined about his daddy issues and lived off Natalie Maines throughout the early two thousands. The little girl looks about as fascinated with Nathan as Esmeralda is with me.
Could you just shut the fuck up so I can pick up your dirty underwear off the floor in peace?
The Haitan and Peter come in and save them, but Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is hot on their trail. Because they didn’t kill him. Because they are f ing retards. Peter decides to stay behind and fight Voodoo on his own. Nathan’s like what? Hell no you’ll die and Peter assures him that he can handle it on his own. And Nathan leaves him! Right after his monologue about being a shitty hero he leaves his dimwit incompetent brother to fight a genocidal slave raping maniac by himself. Nice.
Claire wakes up in the hospital looking like hell. She cries about just wanting to be more than a stupid teenager who ruins everyone’s life. Well, there’s not really much arguing to be done on that one, so her mom just tells her she loves her. The police come in to question her, but Claire’s eyes roll back in her head and the machine starts beeping really fast, which means she’s about to die. Again.
Argh! Get me a nurse or I won’t give your ship back! Argh!
Sylar and Elle are running around in the storeroom of the Piggly Wiggly and see on a monitor that HRG has found them. You know, those monitors that they have in the storerooms of Piggly Wiggly’s. Sylar shoves Elle in an elevator and closes the door on her. She freaks out as it goes down, and Sy is left to fight HRG, who punches him a few times. “What if Claire could see you now?” I’m sure she’d really be disappointed that her dad was punching the dude who cut her head open, stole her powers, and left her empty inside, you douche. It’s amazing how the absence of powers really showcases the lack of acting abilities. Sylar was so scary and creepy when he was stealing people’s brains. Now he’s just a really weird looking, really shit actor.
Argh! Let me go or lose your ship! Argh!
HRG’s like “stop imitating my wife!” and beats him up more. Meanwhile, Claire’s opened up on the operating table. They just pulled the same fake open Claire body from season 1 and gelled it up. It’s a tough economy, people.
Elle has brought the elevator back up and watches as HRG grabs a box cutter and holds it to Sylar’s neck. He tells him that he always wanted to be special and look at him now. Throat slit! NICE! Not that it’s gonna do any good now, but still, at least someone finally had the balls to kill someone on this damn show.
That’s for killing Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors! All she wanted was to be somewhere that’s green you sumbitch!
Claire’s dead too. Oh wah. Her mom pulls the blanket off her face and what do ya know? The eclipse is over and Claire comes back to life. I was on the edge of my seat there for a minute.
Her hair? Still dead.
Matt finally gets to Daphne’s house, but she’s gone. Shoulda taken the bus if you can’t run, you fat bastard. Her dad’s thoughts are guilty dad thoughts, and Matt tells him not to feel bad that his daughter’s a brat. Sometimes teenagers just turn shitty and never recover. Then he leaves and wanders through the cornfields listening to Daphne’s guilty thoughts about being a villain and getting Matt’s dad’s killed and using Aqua Net to make her hair look like she’s a crazy person and will Matt crush her if she let’s him be on top and when are they gonna stop showing Friday Night Lights on DirecTV and just accept that it’s over already? Hearing people’s thoughts would be the worst power ever.
Matt finds her talking to the scarecrow that she made when she was a kid to save the crop from dying and he says that it’s proof she’s a good person and she should go hug her dad. She does. I want this show to die right now. In Haiti, Big Voodoo Daddy and his thugs walk around the village looking for their prisoners and we see this poster. Oh slam! Tim Kring’s a Republican!
Remind you of anything?
The crappy Heroes artist is working for Obama! Now there’s a scandal!
Peter starts shooting at the bad guys and is out of bullets without getting a single shot. With a machine gun. The Haitian and Nathan show up and the Haitian puts his hands on the bad guys heads and knocks them out. Way to prove yourself, Peter! Nathan flies at Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and slams him into a car, and the Haitian puts his hand on his brother’s head and wipes him clean.
I only tried to bring you chaaaaange!
We’re rootin’ for ya, Parkman!
Suresh, still staring at his giant post it note, shows up at Maya’s house. When he knocks, he sees that he has the scales on his hands back so he runs away. Maya answers the door with a can of Raid in her hands, but he’s gone.
At the comic book store, Dr. Evil’s tiny son is knocking on the closet door and trying to get Hiro to come out. He tells him that everyone has to grow up sometimes. Hiro says that he didn’t grow up. He still looks like he’s five years old with red facial hair glued to his face and all he does is eat junk food and read comics.
Alright dude, that was uncalled for. I have feelings!
Tiny Evil gives Hiro a speech. He taught the world that even a lowly office drone could make a difference if he just believed! And had the power to stop time and teleport, but why focus on the details. Hiro buys it and comes out just in time for the stoner dude to see a pic in the comic book showing Hiro and Claire as children hiding in the greenhouse on the roof in NYC while their dads hash shit out. And Hiro’s wearing the same outfit as he was in the pic! Only much much bigger. This must mean that Hiro has to take Claire back to this roof top to get his memory back! HUH? Well, why the f not? Does it matter that Hiro was wearing the same outfit when he was just normal Hiro who remembered everything when Papa P found him in the African desert? NO! LET’S JUST MAKE SOME SHIT UP! Hiro gets all excited and teleports out of there. I press pause to take a moment. A long moment. An hour. To get severely wasted. Am I using Heroes to justify addiction? Yes. Is it a damn good excuse? I think so.
HRG gets home and Claire is in bed all wrapped up in bitterness about him not being there when she needed him. I am so sorry I was killing the end of the world when you needed a lollipop, brat. He reminds her that he was assigned to protect her and she shouts that she died. That freaks him out because it means that Sylar came back to life too. Sure enough, when he gets down to the living room, Sy and Elle are there holding Pirate Mom hostage. Sylar throws HRG up against the wall with his fingers and holds him there. Wow, his acting just totally improved.
I’m buyin it!
HRG says that Papa and Mama P are lying about being Sylar’s parents to play on his mommy issues and manipulate him and he can never just be a happy normal family man. His girlfriend helped create him, and he killed his girlfriend’s father. This is like Days of Our Lives. Sylar is Marlena and Elle is John. They can only be happy for a couple of weeks at a time or the show just wouldn’t work. Sylar starts to believe him, because deep down Sylar’s an ignoramus and will believe anything he’s told, but Elle screams about HRG being a liar so Sylar starts cutting his throat open.
Just then, Hiro shows up! He puts his hand on Sy’s shoulder and says “bad man.” He teleports him out of there and comes back to get Elle. Then he comes back to get Claire, leaving HRG and Pirate Mom dumfounded. Finally. A really good scene. That only took two hours. And back to the comic store.
What, were you expecting a full recovery so fast?
Matt and Daphne come in looking for Hiro but he’s gone. And the comic books are done. But wait! Tiny evil heard a legend once. Of fucking course he did. According to the story, Isaac gave his final sketch book to a bike messenger. Uh huh. Ah well, one good scene was better than none.
In the jungle, the Haitian takes the slave chicks back home while Nathan and Peter have a chance to talk deep. Nathan says that he loves that Peter thinks with his heart and now he’s going to too. Their dad might be a bastard, but he’s trying to give people powers to save the world and that’s a good thing. LOL. Because Papa is so committed to helping good people succeed. What a dick face. He leaves Peter in the middle of the jungle IN HAITI to go to Pinehurst and work with daddy. I think I’ve typed this four times already, but HUH? Do people at NBC actually watch these episodes or just sit at home counting Sprint money?
At the clinic, Papa P is staring at Jethro, who is in some kind of coma after the Suresh microscope attack. Suresh sulks back in with his tail between his legs ready to get back to work because he can’t really get Maya ass as a horny toad. Papa says that they all learned a lot about themselves during the eclipse. They’re weak, they’re scared, and they’re on a sinking ship. In a rare moment of positivity, he tells Suresh not to worry, they’ll find a cure. “But that monster inside of you, it’s something you’re gonna have to take care of all by yourself.” Thanks, Dr. Phil. As much as I am in hate with Heroes right now, I have to give Suresh props for stepping it up in the acting department. He’s allowed scales ON HIS FACE! How bold!
The Emmy nominating committee’s on the phone! Woops sorry. Wrong number. They were trying to get Angela Bassett. Damn NBC operators!
Sylar and Elle find themselves on a beach somewhere. Well that was kind of Hiro. Sylar asks her if what HRG said about his parents was true and she says no HRG is just toying with him. They make out. She’s on the bottom. Something’s not right. Just when I’m about to hit FF, Sy gets a strange look on his face and says that he realizes now that her talk of people changing is bullshit. He is what he is and he accepts that they’re both damaged goods. “You’re hurting me!” He gets all evil and replies “I know.” Then he slices of her dome!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!? VERONICAAAAAA! I shouldn’t have told you to try bottoming! I would be very upset about this development, but I love Kristen Bell and am glad she’s free to audition again. After all this I have to thank Kring. You set my girl free and you dropped the Sylar “feeling” crap. THANK YOU! Now please, keep not sucking!
The bitch is back.
Hiro and Claire arrive at the rooftop, where Hiro’s dad is handing over baby Claire to HRG. Will Hiro get his powers back? Is Elle really dead? Will Kring be able to maintain more than three minutes of decent story telling next week? Sound off.