Heroes: Sylar’s Back, and Tim Kring Discovers Viagra and Red Bull, Decides to Bone 2 Hours Rather Than the Usual 1.

Clearly, ‘Gasmii, I couldn’t stay away. I’m back. Sylar’s back, and hopefully you’re back at your work computer, snacking on some Twinkies or Pringles and pretending you care about unlocking more Excel spreadsheet functionality when you’re actually reading this. Because Tim Kring decided to doubleteam me with back-to-back hourlong episodes for his premiere-a-palooza, you’ll have two bonafide T.Vo recaps to read once I’m done. If I survive the massive task that is recapping Heroes, that is. It’s vaguely reminiscent of my sweatshop child labor days, combined with what I’ve heard from women who’ve survived childbirth. Something like passing a greased-up, squirmy watermelon between your legs, over the course of several hours.

Save the turtle. Save the world.

I missed you very much. I know I’ve been away, but it was for a good reason. I was getting a Ph.D in the art of war and underwater basket-weaving. Oh, and moving back to SF from LA and a bajillion other major life changes like quitting my job, getting another one on the same day, winning a giant check from Publishers Clearinghouse, gambling the winnings away in Reno, and losing my gig as your friendly neighborhood Vietnamese manicurist to a pack of goldfish (more on that later). Sorry I never completed that final episode of Celebrity Circus, I had a few life crises, one after the other. For what it’s worth, I think Antonio Sabato Jr. won that dog and pony show.

Remember how Heroes likes to jump around erratically like a kindergartener on a bender fueled by Pop Rocks and coke? I’m going to splice together the segments so that you can have a more pleasant procrastinating read.

Let’s do this.

Four Years Later

Peter (with the ginormous future scar down his face, like Zorro but NBC only had enough money in the budget for one special effects makeup-enhanced slash instead of three) is running down the street into a warehouse/abandoned building. Presumably, he’s running from something/someone since he keeps looking over his shoulder, but…wait, can’t he fly? It’s four years in the future and Claire’s decided to trade her Goldilocks tresses for the shade of Sarah Jessica Parker’s brunette locks in the SATC movie after Big left her at the altar. How appropriately feminist.

I am very deep now. See?

Brunettes have more fun, evidently, because Claire’s clad in a skintight S&M-lite Lara Croft bodysuit with a built-in pushup bra. Fanboys everywhere squeal. You know, only villains and whores bother to apply black eyeliner to their bottom lashline. Villainous whores! It’s obvious Claire’s not all about the sunshine and innocence and attempted suicide videotapes anymore. She probably lost her virginity to Emotard somehow in between last season and this one (hiatus sex! Woo!).

Oh, and Claire also has a gun. Good times. Future Claire and Future Peter debate about abstract theoretical things like how he has to go back in time to right things, how she got to “this place” (the warehouse + also her hair color change and evil vibe, obvs), and how he can go back to fix it all and restore her blonde hair without using harsh bleach. She replies curtly, “I’m different, remember? Special…special-ed. It rubbed off from my hookups with Emotard.”

Brunettes are evil. In case you forgot.

Claire’s also holding a gun up to Future Peter (incredibly ineffective and lame, because we all know he’s a total fucking badass with a cornucopia of powers and now this impressive scar that chicks must dig) for no reason other than to advance the plotline. He stares at her, she stares at him. She scowls and purses her lips, he furrows his brows and squints. Dramatic music plays. It’s all very LC and Audrina on this season of The Hills. Oh wait, that’s every season of The Hills.

Future Claire is still as mentally challenged as she is in the present day, thinking that she can shoot Peter and end it all. As the camera pans her from behind (that sounds dirty, but it’s true), Future Claire’s shadow looks lumpy and pregnant. Looksie:

If your shadow knocked up my shadow I will kill you.

I’m sorry, but I am sure I have a temporary case of amnesia and even I can remember that Peter has uber-powers and owns nearly everyone in the world of Heroes/Villains. Even my cat can remember that Claire and flush the toilet with its paw and open doors. You know, if I had one.)

“I’m sorry Peter,” says Claire. “I always loved you.” Bang! Future Scarface Peter slows down the trajectory of the bullet as Claire tries to shoot him in the face. I can’t even watch right now. It’s vaguely insulting to the audience’s intelligence, like last season’s finale where Peter didn’t just walk through the walls of the vault, but had to help Adam through. Future Peter light-speed teleports into an unmarked janitorial/utility closet after swiping Future Claire’s gun. Future Claire snaps back into time once Peter disappears and does her best to look perplexed/concerned that he got away and isn’t dead on the ground. The poor girl has no idea how her gun got stolen, either. It’s really hard for Hayden Pannettiere to look any more lost than she does in half of her scenes, but she’s probably distracted by how cool it is she can now rest her chin on her boobs. I wish I could do that. How sweet would that be?

In the future, Claire’s head is really, really, really huge.

Present Day

Scar-Peter (Future Peter, until I think of a better nickname for him) looks around the depressing Utility Closet of The Present Day. He exits with the gun in hand, grabs a coat and baseball cap, and puts it on. Guess what this means? We’re the place where Nathan decides to come out of the Heroes Closet about his love of hair gel and special abilities to the press and assorted media sites like Gawker. Ruh roh.

Oh lawd. This is going to get complicated and metaphysical. Scar-Peter pulls the trigger, pumps several bullets into Nathan’s chest, and flees. Present Peter catches Now-Shot Nathan, who now resembles the cautionary failwhale photos of gang members that my middle school and high school posted in classrooms and hallways to deter us from wearing Dodger Blue and Satanic Red (seriously, colors were banned in my district).

Scar-Peter ducks back into the utility closet and dumps the smoking gun next to this hilarious box that was no doubt made by a really bored props person fond of punning:

Present Peter takes off after Scar-Peter, while Parkman (who’s *still* always out of breath) and generic cops follow slowly behind. Gosh. Why isn’t anyone else running? Because they’re a bunch of American fatasses. Why don’t authorities hire Olympic-medalist sprinters to join their forces and train them on how to use a taser or how to swing a mace? Seriously. Present Peter and Scar-Peter pick a peck of pickled peppers in the bathroom, and Scar-Peter sends Present Peter packing.

By the time Parkman huffs and puffs into the bathroom, you know Scar-Peter’s in charge. He’s holding the hat and jacket he was wearing two seconds ago, as if the shooter had time to strip. However, the scar’s been concealed with some magic, so Parkman doesn’t have any idea what’s going on…yet.

Scar-Peter (disguised as Present Day Peter) makes frowny faces and pretends to be frustrated over not getting a good look at the gunman. Tra la, tra la.

I coulda sworn he was wearing Groucho glasses with a big rubber nose. What gives?

Present Day: Costa Verde, California

Present Day Claire-Bear is freaking out watching the shooting unfold on TV. Wasn’t the girl supposed to get to Odessa? I think I repressed half of last season’s storylines and events, like Niki/Jessica + GoodBurger scenes from New Orleans + Hiro’s extended Japanese tourist vacation in feudal Japan. Like a good teenager, she immediately reaches for her phone and calls Peter. Scar-Peter was smart enough to grab Present Peter’s phone in the .25 seconds he had to tap his foot in the bathroom stall, solicit gay-clone sex, and send him to Heroes limboland. However, Scar-Peter was not smart enough to just stop time, Hiro-style, and take care of business, and avoid running and sweating altogether.

Claire flops on the floor and dejectedly watches the news. Cry me a river, Goldilocks. I’m just thrilled that Mr. Muggles is back for more action and adventure.

Thank God that nasty contract dispute is over.

Someday, it is my hope that they introduce a magical cat on this show. He will be named Mr. Scrabbles and beat all the Heroes at board games. Anyway, Claire gets the bright idea to pack her stuff (where *are* Mama Bennet and Lyle anyway?) and jams clothes into a duffle bag. Unfortunately, she’s not fast enough. She opens her bedroom door and pees herself as Sylar’s just waiting there, salivating.

Present Day: New York, Nathan-ambulance

Scar-Peter’s riding in the Nathambulance, watching his brother turn blue. He visibly panics that Claire’s calling him, and tells her to stay put when she insists her blood could help Nathan. Don’t you wish you had Emotard Airlines on retainer, Claire? At the hospital, Future Peter’s shoved aside by doctors and he starts having that “I’ve made a huge mistake!” look on his face. One even slams the door on his face after he asks if Nathan’s gonna make it. Burn. Defibrillator time!

Scar-Peter sits in the hallway for a long-ass time. Question: Why doesn’t he just speed up time to see the outcome of Nathan’s operation/electric paddle contest? Answer: The episode would be half an hour if it were that efficient with powers. Also, Nathan’s dead, according to the doctor, but we all know that IMDB.com is the ultimate Diagnosis Doctor of whether a character lives or dies.

Don’t worry. You’re safe. Until at least Christmas.

Scar-Peter enters the empty room to see his lifeless brother on a gurney. The doctors

really didn’t give a shit, since they left Nathan with gauze and blood everywhere. Maybe there’s a separate clean-up crew in the world of medicine that I don’t know about, and they only work the graveyard shift. He kisses Nathan on the forehead and strokes his hair a bit as fangirls and fanboys squirm excitedly in their seats. That’s right, just like that. Scar-Peter lays a hand on Nathan’s shoulder and then starts to back away.

WHOOSH! Zombie Nathan bolts straight up, scaring the bejeebus out of Peter and making me pee my pants a little. His eyes are all red-rimmed and he’s still icy-pale blue from you know, the being dead part. Like Lazarus from the grave or some other biblical reference. Was there too much Claire-compassion in that last caress of Peter’s? Apparently.

Present Day: Yamagato Industries, Japan

Hiro is wasting time in a big, super-modern, decked-out office. Looks like someone took over for Daddy, and it wasn’t his business-minded super-qualified sister. I’m personally surprised he’s not playing Text Twist or Spore. Instead, he’s fast-forwarding and rewinding time using a super-duper fancy Japanese Brookstone-esque clock. Please note that in the world of product placement, Cisco is out and Apple is in. There’s no reason for Hiro’s computer screen to be facing the door other than to show off Steve Jobs’ beautiful, beautiful screen. Why would you EVER work with your back to the door?

Bad Feng Shui. But it always works! And Jerry Seinfeld isn’t barging in pretending to be “regular”.

Ando enters the room, to Hiro’s delight. Ando calls his BFF “sir,” which creeps Hiro out except when he’s visiting maid cafes or chilling in Texas. Ando’s simultaneously impressed and intimidated by the fact that Hiro now owns 51% of the company, and awed by the heaps of moneybags everywhere. The scene is mostly subtitled, which means half of the viewers aren’t reading. This sequence reminds me of the guy-on-guy romance mangas that are so popular with girls in Japan. The following reasons and lines that can be easily made suggestive and giggle-worthy:

Hiro’s got post-apocalypse-partum depression, and hasn’t gotten any Prozac yet. He’s a man without a quest, and in a moment of obvious foreshadowing, sighs that destiny is not just going to come knocking at his door.

There is a knock at the door.

It’s the family lawyer, serving Hiro with some papers and…a DVD containing a message from Kaito about Hiro’s destiny. The Japanese are totally kicking our butts, even in the digital wills department.

Kaito is such a badass (I heart George Takai). Hiro’s dad explains he is to be the sentinel of a dangerous secret, one that Kaito and Kaito’s father had to keep. In the wrong hands, the secret could destroy the world. So, why did you bother leaving a paper trail regarding the secret and recording its whereabouts on a video? Man, it’s a good thing Cisco pulled out this season, because none of the computer or technological aspects of Heroes are password-protected. Nothing is secure, especially not secrets placed in OBVIOUS, UNHIDDEN SAFES. Yes, Kaito tells Hiro explicitly to “never open the safe.” *Facepalm*

There’s the quest. Hiro wants to be a hero, so duh, reverse psychology works. He flails around looking for a button to the safe, which is above ground and incredibly conspicuous. Hiro babbles that he doesn’t want to go back to being nobody. He shuffles some paper on the desks, and inside a lacquered Asian-looking box, he finds a wireless remote. EASY. The button slides the safe’s cabinet doors open, and a finger swipe identification panel makes it easy for Hiro and Ando to grab the manila envelope inside.

Eureka, Disc 2 in the DVD series “Kaito’s Greatest Yo’ Mama jokes.”

“I asked you not to open the safe, son.” Safe FAIL. Kaito tells Hiro that what he possesses is half of a very important formula, and that if it falls into the wrong hands, there is only one hope. Well, duh, Luke Skywalker. Also, someone who possesses the “light” to combat darkness, a chosen one who carries the purity of blood. It’s totally Skywalker. Or Harry Potter with his Patronus.

Anywho, what’s inside is a formula in a plastic sleeve. It looks like AP Chemistry homework I copied off of a friend in 2000, but more messily written. All hydrogen bonds and benzene rings or something. OH this, OH that, yada yada yada…Hiro wishes he had paid more attention in Chem too. Sounds like Hiro daydreamed during cram school. The plastic sleeve is abruptly ripped out of Hiro’s hand by a red, white, and clear blur. Hiro and Ando are stunned, but Hiro quickly puts on his most constipated face to stop time. The special effects team blew their wad on the following effect, where the “dust” left in the wake of this super-fast character looks like a fluid tube, as though the time tunnel from Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure is suspended in a solution. Just gonna say it now, it’s my favorite part of Episode 1.

Hiro follows the literal trail out into the main office area, flowers hover in mid-air, papers are about to flutter everywhere, and people are frozen mid-motion. The trail dissipates once he gets to the speedster, whose name is unknown. She looks like the kinda gal who’d be a bike courier in NYC with bleached blonde pixie cut, red button down, and a sassy vibe to her. Looks like Hiro can’t freeze her completely, either, because she starts talking to him and is totally in control of the situation. She taunts Hiro a bit for not being as fast as her, asks him a time zone math question, and then punches him in the face. As he’s flung back by her fist, all of the papers go everywhere in the office, which is also great. And then Hipster Speedster runs off with half of the formula.

Dang girl. Run to a Fantastic Sam’s as fast as you can.

Present Day: Costa Verde, Casa de Bennet

Standing in the doorframe of Claire’s bedroom, Sylar explains it all. It’s the antithesis of anything Melissa Joan Hart would’ve ever done. Like, seriously, I would’ve preferred he come through Claire’s window on a ladder, just for the lulz:

Why can’t you look me in the eye? Stop looking at my eyebrows. STOP. Take me seriously come ooooon!

“Hello, Claire. I bet you’re wondering where I am. Spent a little time south of the border (dirrrty!) and got sidetracked, but that’s all behind me (double dirrrty!) now like a long night after a bad taco (triple x and tequila, baby!).”

Wow. That sums up everything that happened with the illegal, annoying DunderTwins and Murderâ„¢ by Maybellineâ„¢ so accurately. Only Maya’s totally a dunderhead somewhere with Mohinder. We can’t have everything in this world.

You know what happens next. Claire runs around the house in a low-cut v-neck sweater after trying to club Sylar with a cheerleading trophy and it gets very Scream plus every bad scary movie you’ve ever seen. Including Scary Movie, which was meta-bad. Sylar takes his sweet time toying with her, closing all the shutters, locking all the doors, killing the lights and telephone line, sweeping past her like Voldemort wearing Heelys. The scene is mega-creepy crawly in that uncomfortable after-school special way, which is why Zachary Quinto’s salary is totally justified.

Wait. HOW much do you make?!?

After dragging out the cat-and-mouse bit for awhile, Claire manages to secure a kitchen knife and break into a closet. Kinda reminds me of the closet in that old people movie, Cocoon, that John Cusack shows everyone at the nursing home in High Fidelity. Sadly, our ex-cheerleader is more useless than an old person, as she seems to think that tying Mr. Muggle’s chain and walking leash around the handles is going to prevent Sylar from cutting her skull open. Keep the dream alive, Claire-bear.

Question: Sylar can totally see that Claire has a huge knife in her hand, poised to stab, yet he doesn’t bother flinging it out of her hand? Instead, the kitchen table and furniture gets rearranged. Sylar is not completely heterosexual, I’ve decided. Interior decorating is far more important to him than touching teenage boobs. Which would be incredibly inappropriate on this show, as well as illegal. Everyone knows Sylar just wants to caress Claire’s brain and spoon with it.

Sylar shakes the doggie leash-reinforced closet door and lets Claire stay for a bit longer, as he rifles a cardboard box with Comic Sans scrawled all over it, marked “Dad’s office.” Sylar calmly explains he just wants what she has, and that he doesn’t want to kill her, because he lost everything that made him special. He pulls out files on a few new characters: Knox, The German, Flint, and Jesse. They look like a bunch of criminals or the poor man’s version of Super Mario characters personified — clearly, they’re bad guys with superpowers that The Company is holding.

Also, Mr. Muggles should have magical doggie powers because I want to see him fly. Claire’s one moment of semi-triumph arrives when she successfully stabs Sylar in the chest, causing him to slowly bleed to death. However, she also succeeds in finally pissing him off. Stab! Claire leaps out of the closet with her bread knife and plunges it deep into Sylar. I’m impressed. She then starts running for the door, but Sylar manages to pin her against it and twist it and start removing her skull with a flick of his fingers. Claire screams in pain and then her feet stop flailing, two feet above the carpet.

Sylar’s got Claire prostate on the coffee table, probing her brain. The entire top half of her skill and hair is missing. It’s a quick Q&A as he plunges his fingers deeply into her brain. He’s literally mindfucking her, and I really hope children didn’t go to bed having nightmares, because I did. He says she has no nerve endings, and that we’d have more answers if people used 100% of their brains. Sylar’s talking crazy, saying things like “How do we make love stay? How many angels dance on the edge of a pin? and explains that the answers are right there.

You should get your roots done more often. This would hurt less.

Now, for two of the most priceless lines in this episode.

Claire: Are you going to eat it?

Sylar: Eat your brain? Claire, that’s disgusting.

The delivery is just spot on. Well played sir, well played. Zachary Quinto is gold, even when he makes me want to cry out of fear. Claire is whimpering the entire time, and I have the heebie-jeebies. Sylar finally finds what he’s looking for, and the gloppy messy squishy sounds escalate as he pushes something around. He sighs out of relief and excitement (again, creepy rape-like sounds), and removes the knife from his body. He’s got Claire’s regenerative powers. Dammit.

He grabs the red Villains files, picks up Claire’s scalp, complete with long, blonde tresses matted with blood, and puts it back on her head in complete silence. AUGH. This reminds me of the stories Pa told Laura in the Little House in the Big Woods series. It was mostly about the prairie after they left the woods where they’d make maple sugar candy at Grandma’s house. Mmm, maple sugar candy on fresh snow. See? Happy thoughts while Claire’s scalp reunites with her skull. She recovers immediately as he starts to exit, and the look of absolute terror on her face is contrasted by his look of absolute satisfaction.

Claire: Wait, what about me, aren’t you going to kill me?

Sylar: Poor girl, your brain is not like the others. You are not like the others. You’re different. You’re special, and I couldn’t kill you even if I wanted to. You can never die, and I guess now, neither can I.

Tick, tock, tick tock. Sylar’s watch is working again, and he exits, leaving Claire dazed and confused. HOLYSHITSHUTUP SYLAR CAN’T DIE NOW (allegedly). Until we find a loophole, that is. Does this mean Claire won’t age, too? Just like Adam?

I will never have to pluck in center of my forehead again! BWAHAHAHAH

New York, Mohinder’s apartment

Maya’s dressed up for an open casting call with Hanes Her Way Meets Victoria’s Secret in a pink tank top and booty shorts. She’s clutching a cricket bat as someone struggles with the door lock. She then pummels Mohinder as he enters, thinking it was Sylar. Stupid girl, that’s what the peep hole is for. Everyone has amnesia this season, because they forgot how much Sylar can do even after a “long night with a bad taco.” Why the hell would he try to MacGuyver a lock manually when he can open it with his BRAIN?

Turns out Mohinder’s just deposited Molly on a one-way trip to Never Gonna Find Youland (next to Rick Astleyville on the map, never gonna give you up) and that flight attendants are surprisingly nice in addition to extremely competent. They naively believe that Molly’s safe when she’s actually been written off this show. Mohinder then declares that he’s going home to India, because he’s found nothing to believe he can reverse the effects of Maya’s runny Massacaras (massacre + mascara, get it?) of Death and Destruction. Maya is hella pissed, and you know this because she starts sounding like J. Lo in Jersey Girl. Before she dies during childbirth.

“Oh no you didn’t, I came all the way from South America for this! It’s not fair!” she chastises Mohinder. They say you can attract flies with honey better than vinegar, but well, if you’re trying to attract flies, trash works just fine. And nagging. Maya starts to explain what the hell her mascara is capable of (the wand individually separates each lash and coats it to make it look thicker. Oh, and kills everyone within a 10 mile radius, no big deal). She starts getting sassy and angry and her eyes fill up with the darkness, causing Mohinder to start breathing heavily.

Gotta admit, I’m kinda rooting for her here.

Let’s spare you the chit-chat. Mind-body connection, neural pathways, neurons, things that end in “on” like Mohinder turned on. Inane dialogue inside, there’s “sexual tension” inserted (that’s what she said!) into the storyline juxtaposed with Maya being unable to effectively assert that her powers kill everyone around her and Mohinder being blind to the ramifications of creating a serum that can give anyone and everyone powers. Fight or flight! Adrenal glands! Flash drives hidden in the lizard tank! Weird Science!

Mohinder runs some tests, we see some paramecium/things under a microscope blown up onto a screen, he tells Maya she’s special, and then Mohinder realizes that his experiment worked. He’s been able to do some mumbo jumbo stuff that can enable anyone to instantaneously get powers. Bad news bears. Yeah. That just happened.

I never would have guessed that these powers came from eating Hot Tamales.

In his lab, Mohinder says that he ran two tests in the centrifuge, and the enzymes worked. For someone who just said he didn’t want to experiment because it’s against the laws of nature, the scientist is drunk on temporarily successful data. Sample size is not big enough, Mohinder! At least try this stuff on some four legged friends, New York has plenty of rats. Maya runs in to plead further with him, while he tries to justify that humans can evolve. Mohinder says each person’s unique blood plus the enzyme will result in unique abilities. Like fingerprints of doom and destruction? Yes, just like all the ones we’ve seen so far on the show, like flight, telepathy…more back and forth between the Passionate Scientist Who’s About to Do It Totally Wrong and Mascara Murderer Maya who’s About to Get ‘Er Done, yada yada yada, one way ticket to Bonetown. Mohinder thinks that if he could’ve injected himself in order to get a power to help the others, he would. Seriously, dude, try this on a lab rat first. Or Sarah Palin, VPILF of the Future. The abilities are a curse, Maya says, and Mohinder acknowledges what’s in the vial cannot fix her. Maya tells him to destroy the evil and runs away…to Mohinder’s apartment. Lady, I’d try some nicer tactics.

New York, Utility Closet of Destruction

Future Peter is rifling around the shelves, frantically searching for Claire’s gun. Question: Do you think the gun has Peter or Claire’s prints on it? What would happen if they tried to ID the gun? Guess we won’t know for while.

Parkman enters and Future Peter guiltily looks up. Future Peter babbles a bit about Nathan’s miraculous recovery, while Parkman knows something’s a-brewing. Peter says he’s trying to find where the gunman stashed his weapon, and Parkman’s spidey ESP sense kicks in. His suspicion grows after he asks Peter how he knows that the suspect even stashed a gun. Future Peter panics a teeny bit as Parkman dangles the gun in front of him. So he lets his scar reappear, and informs Parkman that he’s from the Future, that it all begins with Nathan telling people about the heroes and their abilities (JUST LIKE X-MEN ZOMG) and that he (Peter of the Future) has to stop it. Future Peter does some hand gestures that send Parkman packing to the middle of nowhere. Shazam!

Wolverine will save you.

With Parkman disposed of, Peter heads back to the hospital where Nathan is lying. Meanwhile, Nathan wakes up, realizes he doesn’t even have a scratch on his body, and puts on the suit so conveniently hung on the door for him. Peter gets to Nathan’s empty bed as Nathan exits the hospital right next to a reporter giving the news. Conveniently, there’s a church two feet away from the Emergency exit. Jesus loves winners (and sinners). Everyone’s baffled that Nathan’s condition is stable, and the reporter drops a YouTube reference.

I’ll spare you the religious ecstasy part, but Nathan is reborn a believer and shows off his Spanish to a Hispanic family praying in the pew. He says that God has a plan for all of us, basically, and that God is the only one with a message of hope and urgency. Kill everyone. Peter enters the church and gets the gun ready — again. Yada yada yada, we know we’re not alone. Only together can we make it better and be in charge of our own destiny! Also, Future Peter decides not to shoot Nathan again. As he goes to find his brother, Nathan collapses. More touching!

That man just told me my keys smell.

Back in the hospital room, Nathan wakes up to Future Peter and a headline ripped straight out of Touched by an Angel. Nathan thinks that everyone with these powers has the ability to be angels to do God’s bidding. The Trinity Broadcasting Network totally sponsored this. Fortunately, Nathan realizes that they couldn’t be angels if everybody knew about the heroes and their powers, so Future Peter is satisfied and asks for his brother’s forgiveness. What would Oprah do?

Future Peter leaves and Linderman appears. Oh man, Linderman totally healed him. That little man thinks he’s God, but I prefer the version played by George Burns.

Cut to a swanky hotel room and a Republican-looking Governor Man watching Nathan’s religious testimony on TV. Two wine glasses sit in front of him, and there’s rustling in the background. Red power tie? Check. Shiny shoes? Check. Silvery patrician hair? Check.

Turns out his freak in the bed is…Niki. Why doesn’t she ever just DIE? DL died, and I bet Micah died, but Niki is the cockroach of this series. She just keeps coming back. Sigh. Oh wait, it’s not Niki (the spelling of that name still really irks me every time I have to type it out, it’s like naming your child Jeysikkah or something). It’s someone who looks EXACTLY LIKE NIKI/JESSICA but is named Tracy. And she’s bonking/advising a governor while prancing around in lingerie, flesh-colored panties and corsets. The Guv’nah motions for Tracy to check out Nathan on TV, and she grins in approval. Somehow I have a feeling Tracy is a completely separate personality and that Niki/Jessica are trapped on the other side of the looking glass somewhere in Vegas. This feels very Alexandra Dupre + Spitzer, minus the classiness and MySpace profile.

Every single personality works out and doesn’t eat. Not buyin it.

Somewhere in the desert (probably Inland Empire, CA)

Parkman wakes up with a scorpion on his face. He’s still clad in NY black clothing from head to toe. He has no idea where the hell he is (it’s probably going to be Death Valley or Africa), and walks for awhile. A long while.

Downtown Tokyo, presumably

Hiro and Ando stroll through the remains of Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Lovers tour. Generic Tokyo set, really, complete with hanging lanterns and cherry blossoms and bright signs everywhere. Hello Kitty! Hiro and Ando contemplate how the Speedster knew he was about to open the formula. Hiro says he has to jump to the future, and light speeds to see how the world is destroyed so they can stop it. How he knows where to go is beyond me.

In the future, the same street the two BFFS were strolling down is in disarray and people are fleeing everywhere, panicked. Ando and Hiro are arguing over the formula. Hiro has half of it, and declares that Ando has betrayed him. Then they FIGHT! But not really, because in the future, Hiro is still a bit slow in the whole stopping time thing and whips out his sword, allowing Ando to shoot red sparks and a fireball at Hiro. In the future, Ando becomes Dragonball Z. Where’s Godzilla? Hiro’s incapacitated, and Ando picks up the formula, which is now looking extremely tattered, and flees. Hiro teleports to an overpass where he sees cars flying, buildings shatter into smithereens and general chaos. Now would be the time to play that Blue Oyster Cult song, you know, “Godzilla.” And the Power Rangers theme song, because this is all a little predictable. Is Japan the new New York? Or is the world on fire?

This has probably already been made into a ride at Universal Stuidios.

Hiro is probably misinterpreting things as usual, as Japanese people freak out everywhere. However, an exploding car nearly decimates Hiro, and he squinches his face to get back to the present. He’s standing on the same overpass/bridge, and distressed since he believes his best friend betrays him. They should really get a relationship counselor or something. Hiro’s even more determined to get a hold of that formula now.

Question: Why didn’t anyone ever make COPIES of the formula, scan it, and upload the file to a secure server, you know, replicate it such that it’s not a flimsy piece of paper that can be stolen and tattered and get coffee spilled on it? It’s not like they didn’t have the technology to protect the secret better — there was 1. a wireless remote to open the safe, which was basically in PLAIN SIGHT such that Helen Keller would’ve found it even if you rearranged the furniture in the office, 2. fingerprint scanning on the safe, and 3. a series of DVDs. You’re killing me, Smalls.

Don’t forget that the safe was secured on the top floor of a skyscraper in a country known for devastating earthquakes. How the hell did Kaito and Hiro’s grandfather protect the secret so well before this? Hiro is starting to become the village idiot, in my opinion. Damn, even the Shanti virus was locked up underground in a treasure trove secured by a BFD (big fucking door) last season. Is this all because Cisco pulled out?

Somewhere on the Dock of the Bay, late at night

Mohinder tries to recreate that scene from Titanic where the old lady tosses her bling sapphire necklace into the ocean, only he’s got a syringe and looks like a druggie. It’s just not as moving. So you’re in New York and you want to dispose of something. Why do you go to the abandoned warehouse district loading dock to toss a SERUM into the WATER SUPPLY which would accomplish the opposite of destroying the enzyme/whatchamacalit/Hero juice? Like, you’d have fish with powers. And three eyes. Flying fish, people. Imagine the possibilities. Also, the serum would produce at least one merman. MER MANNNNNN. *cough*

For a scientist, Mohinder is not the brightest Bunsen burner in the lab. It’s probably because he’s sexually frustrated and hasn’t gotten laid in at least two seasons. Maya’s boobies have been hanging out for the entire episode, so we can see where this is going. He’s about to toss it over into the big blue sea, but then hesitates. Mohinder’s list of to-dos quickly devolves into three things. Shoot up in your best imitation of Kurt Cobain? Check. Pass out on the dock like Anna Nicole? Check. Wake up to find two black guys rifling through your pockets? Check, check, RACIST.

Damn

Back at General Heroes Hospital, New York

Mama P is a total badass. And a bitch. And kinda a floozy, based on what we know about her sleeping around with the old legion of calamitous intent. Bitch is the new black. She’s looking sadly over Nathan’s sleeping body when Future Peter walks by the door. Mama P knows what’s brewing, and she asks Future Peter what the hell he did with her son. Peter inherited his first abilities from her, and as we’ve guessed before, she has premonitions of the future in her dreams, just like Peter’s dreams in Season 1. But if you can see the future, and it’s not technically set in stone, how DO you change it properly? Guess it’s not an exact science yet, so Episode 2, “The Butterfly Effect,” will beat those time-travel theories to death.

Future Peter posits that Nathan disclosing the existence of heroes with crazy powers starts all the madness, the war, the greed, the corruption, that it’s Nathan’s fault. Mama P spits back that he is not to play God. He spits that the formula she and her friends tried to bury gets out and destroys everything. Mama P gets riled up and gets up in Future Peter’s face, saying that the only future she’s ever seen is caused by Peter. He replies that Nathan didn’t die, and that he doesn’t have to. However, Mama P says that the shooting screwed up everything, and everything’s different now. She tells him to go back to where he came from, and asks him what she did with her son in that awesome steely voice of hers. Future Peter replies that she shouldn’t worry, because he put Present Peter somewhere safe.

Cut to The Company’s headquarters, where one of the prisoners is pounding on the glass yelling, “I’m not who you think I am! This is a mistake! I’m Peter Petrelli!” Present Peter is trapped in the body of someone needed work after Prison Break got cancelled. Kinda looks like a bald Mario from Super Mario Bros. Here we go! Boom. Next to him are all of the other villains from the red Bennet files that Sylar swiped at Claire’s house. It’s the most diverse cast of Mortal Kombat character rejects ever. There’s even one named The German, and I really hope they don’t make him 1. a nihilist or 2. an anti-Semite. Because, yeah, that’s pretty obvious. Maybe The German can be an Olympic swimmer who doped up one too many times, and got powers and a bald head. None of them have hair, but that’s probably because of the being held captive by The Co. thing.

Finally, we see that Bennet is in the last cell, bouncing a ball against the wall. He’s still my favorite character on this show, so hooray! Mohinder, in his best literary snob attempt, reads to us from William Butler Yeats’ poem “The Second Coming.” Oh man, my BA in English is useful after all, for identifying that this poem was written in 1919 after the First World War, and that Yeats believed that Western Civilization (and the rest of the world) was on the decline. In short, Yeats was an aristocrat who felt his class was being threatened. And Marcie in “A Peanut Christmas” (you know, Charlie Brown) alludes to the poem when Peppermint Pattie, dressed up as a sheep for the pageant, trips on a curb. Marcie says, “Slouching toward Bethlehem, huh, sir.” Hee. Basically, things fall apart and the Joker is going to watch the world burn.

“The best lack all conviction, while the worst are full of passionate intensity. Surely some revelation is at hand; surely the Second Coming is at hand.” — William Butler Yeats

You know you need to go outside when even serious poetry sounds like a giant “That’s what she said” setup.

As Prof. Suresh guides us towards a better appreciation of 20th century Irish/English poetry, we see Parkman in the desert, staring a a rock painted with the world and the Heroes symbol on it, Sylar strolling jauntily down the tree-lined street in California suburbia, Nathan sleeping while Linderman watches over him, and Tracy (formerly known as Niki/Jessica) watching the TV broadcast on Nathan’s miracle, and Mohinder’s pockets being rifled through by two thugs who threaten to “waste him.” Mohinder startles awake, grabs the gun and twists it, and flings the hooligans away. They flee, peeing themselves. Mohinder stares at his hands as we see the Earth painted on one of the warehouses, with the Heroes symbol seemingly ripping the globe apart at the seams. DUN DUN DUN. Episode 2′s gotta be better than this; I’m still angry over how easy it was for Hiro to discover the safe and the wireless remote whose batteries surely would’ve run out by the time he found it!

It feels good to be back.

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