Heroes: The Origins Of Herpes

This week’s episode of Heroes, entitled “Angels and Monsters,” calls to mind every single cliché frat/sorority party theme I have ever been subjected to, including “CEO’s and Office Hoes” and “Mermaids and Seamen.” Let’s pop our collars and do this!

I said pop your collar.

I always knew Nathan was a spooner. Spooning is the best, isn’t it? Nathan, in a voiceover usually taken by Mohinder, still firmly believes he’s been touched by God, and that he has a purpose. Hee. Guess what? God has a plan for you, and it’s to be our eye candy. Flying eye candy. Present Peter teleports into Sylar’s cell and pins him to the wall, Claire sits in her car with a taser she bought from a late-night infomercial, Hiro and Ando unearth Adam, and Mohinder sits in the shadows of Central Park watching a black guy with dreads. “Am I an angel, or a monster? A hero, or a villain?” intones Nathan. Spare me.

You’re a hottie. Isn’t that enough?

Nathan’s drinking some milk straight from the oh-so-retro glass container, when Linderman appears by the fridge. Dirty old voyeur. Linderman says that Tracy needed Nathan’s help, and was it luck or coincidence or guidance from a higher power? Clearly, it must be a higher power because there is no scientific evidence to support any of these highfaluting notions. Hmm, I really don’t think Linderman’s alive so I bet it’s Parkman’s daddy or David Copperfield. Tracy enters in a men’s dress shirt, all Risky Business, and asks Nathan who he’s talking to. He stutters and loses his marbles. It’s okay, take the hallucinations – they’re far better than flaccid penises.

Meanwhile, at Central Park, an NYPD car passes by the drug dealer. “Whatchu need? Whatchu got? White lightning, base, angel dust?” the dreadlocked dealer asks Mohinder. Well, I was running low on pixy dust for my next trip to Neverland, but it’s way cheaper in bulk at Costco. Mohinder, who has enough testosterone coursing through his veins, doesn’t need the drugs, he just needs the dealer.

Yay, massage! Bring gloves.

Back at Level 5, topless Present Peter is pinning Sylar to the wall, and Sylar mentions that Peter’s already becoming like him, casually dropping “Brother” at the end of his sentence. Peter freaks out (because he’s prone to do that) and snaps Sylar’s neck, as Mama Petrelli comes up to the viewing window. Peter casts Sylar aside and snarls at his mother, demanding she tell him the rest of her secrets. She explains he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and it only pisses Peter off more (plus he’s still got two open flesh wounds on his chest). He barks at her to give up her secrets but grows impatient, deciding to open up her skull instead. The hunger! Snap into a Slim Jim!

For once, Mama P looks like she’s going to pee herself instead of be the immaculately groomed, tweed suit-wearing power bitch that she is. Well, she is getting closer to the age of incontinence. Peter’s got his fingers outstretched, and starts to cut, as Sylar awesomely snaps his neck back into place and flings Peter against the glass window. He rushes over to Mama P to ensure she’s okay, which is a stark contrast to his relationship to his adopted mom. There’s a new favorite son in town (What would be the theme song of Mama P’s spinoff show, “My Three Sons”?). I’m guessing they’re not going to go down to Sears and take a family portrait anytime soon. That’s what Photoshop’s for. Also, based on everything we’ve heard so far about Mama P’s dalliances and all the Company-sanctioned murders and power struggles, I don’t think Papa Petrelli committed suicide.

Bennet beckons to Sylar to leave for another assignment, they’ve got a new lead on another target.

You’re welcome, horny readers.

Casa de Bennet

Mama Bennet is berating herself for letting Claire go to the imaginary cheerleading sleepover, ’cause, duh, there wasn’t one. Oldest trick in the book, short of crawling out of a second story window using bedsheets knotted together. Meredith tries to ease Mama B’s fears, but Mama B knows Claire’s gone to find one of the villains in Bennet’s files, since it’s all she’s babbled about since the Sylar attack. “They’re monsters!” exclaims Mama B. Meredith’s a bit nonchalant since she says Claire can’t get hurt, but then Mama B points out a file on a Steven Canfield, who creates vortexes that make people disappear. Yeah, you could really lock Claire up for eternity somewhere, which is worse than dying.

Meredith maintains her calm until she peruses the list of escaped Villains, freaking out when she sees the file on Eric Doyle.

House of Vortex

Vortex man is angrily talking on the phone to someone, presumably his sister, about how he needs to get the contact info of his wife and kids. She won’t supply it, and he gets angry, creating a vortex and sucking household items into it. WHERE DO THEY GO? If I put a GPS tag on it, would I be able to find them in some cosmic junkyard?

Found your birth control pills!

He’s pacing around an empty house painted with very pleasant beachy colors on the walls, like seafoam green and periwinkle blue. He turns around to hear footsteps, and Claire with a taser in her hand. LULZ. Seriously, Claire, a taser? Where’s your bear mace and ninja stars? She manages to stun him squarely in the chest, to my surprise, and he’s down for the count. Claire’s face looks perplexed/panicked, as if she had no idea tasers would knock people down. Dumb blonde, don’t tell me not to vote for McCain.

Graveyard of Heroes

Hiro and Ando unearth Adam, who immediately wakes up and starts choking the dickens out of Hiro. At least arm yourself with a samurai sword, Hiro, you are not to be trusted with stopping time in time. Which is most of the time.

Hiro manages to stick Adam back in the coffin while he and Ando figure out a game plan. Ando’s incredulous that Hiro would unearth his nemesis, the man who killed Kaito, just because Mama P told him to. Hiro gets a boner for anything that’s prefaced with the word “hero,” we all know that. Hiro attempts to be stoic and says that a hero takes risks and makes sacrifices in order to get the job done. Yep, he’s totally going to kill Ando or one of the girls in order to save the day. He also insists that Adam knows who the “bad guy” is. Yes, I used to call them bad guys too, when I was seven. Our little Pikachu’s all grown up, honey! Sorta.

Hiro makes Adam promise to behave himself (good luck with that one, goons). Adam seems pretty chipper for a guy who’s been locked up six feet under for ages, but then again, it’s like taking a catnap given his age. Adam chuckles when Hiro mentions they’re searching for a formula, and says he even told them to destroy it back in the day. Hiro promises to put Adam in a more spacious cell with a window and a vent, and perhaps a window, to which Adam screams, “You Japanese Nazi!” Adam thinks the villain is Mama P, Hiro looks befuddled because Mama P sent him on his kamikaze mission, and yeah…the scenario is just as retarded as it looks typed out in a Word document. Especially when the bouncing paper clip (his name is Clippy) won’t leave you alone.

Emmy Face

Pinehearst Industries

Ah, the land of mythical companies that sound like towns straight out of Archie & Jughead comics. What’s next, Riverdale High and Mystic Oak Pizza?

Daphne’s sassing Linderman (who I still don’t think really exists, unless all of our heroes have been slipped a roofie colada by Mama P or duped by Parkman’s daddy), who asks if she wants to be a recruiter for his new sorority. Based on what I saw on The Bachelor, I don’t think sorority recruiters get paid enormous salaries if they can go on reality tv shows looking for love and PMS-laden catfights. Don’t do it, Daphne!

Apparently, the sorority will be the foundation of a new world order. Ghostface Killah Linderman tries to channel his inner Obama and throws down rhetoric like “precipice of real world change” (i.e. mass genocide of people he doesn’t like, manipulation of the weak) and a world where those with “gifts” are embraced (i.e. made to star in reality tv talent freakshows hosted by Joey Fatone). He tells her to be somebody. Join the army, lady, you don’t want to be the equivalent of Uncle Sam the Linderman hologram. Or move to Alaska and be a maverick.

The camera pulls back and we see that Daphne is talking to no one, as two staff members walk past her in the waiting area. They look at her like she’s a crazy person but keep walking. Maybe Pinehurst is a rehab center for failed heroes? Linderman’s hologram gives her a file of people to recruit, and they include printouts of Knox’s and Mohinder’s Facebook profiles. Daphne wrinkles her nose up at recruiting sketchy people, but Linderman says they’re merely lost sheep who need purpose. This show is full of megalomaniacs. I need some Valium.

In the new world, there will be a law against making fun of your bad hair.

Car de Bennet

In the land of One of Us, One of Them, Bennet’s driving a Company car with Sylar noisily munching an apple in the passenger seat. The English major inside of me wants to scream that Sylar chomping on an apple symbolizes the fall of man and the rise of sin, or sin-eaters. In addition, he’s literally eating an apple, the symbol of knowledge that man wasn’t supposed to eat in the first place. He’s not supposed to kill people and pick their brains, but it’s the hunger that overrides his human decency. So he chomps away because he can’t help himself, he’s addicted to the knowledge. Also, Jesus figures! He’s eating the apple so others don’t have to, just like a martyr. Plus the Book of Genesis, and the return of Adam! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. Oh, throw loss of innocence in there, too, since he took Claire’s brain virginity.

Or it could just be that they needed to give Sylar a prop to annoy Bennet with. Yep, that’s probably it. And Georgia O’Keefe paintings look nothing like vaginas, what are you talking about. Bennet turns off the radio abruptly and tells Sylar it was Mama P’s idea to set them up together. Bennet doesn’t sugarcoat anything as he says he would’ve let Sylar rot for terrorizing Claire and killing others. Sylar’s all, “Dude, rehab doesn’t happen overnight, ask any Lohan family member.” He’s absolutely right. Hypocritical Bennet re-asserts that killing is in Sylar’s nature, proving once again he doesn’t believe in tabula rasa. Ah, the good ole’ nurture versus nature debate. Well, Bennet, maybe you should stop assuming before you make an ass out of you and me.

House of Vortex Vacuums

Claire’s doing her best to snarl at the Vortex man, and he seems really reasonable, asserting that he understands why she would think he’s a monster, but that he never intended to hurt anyone. The acting and accent of Vortex Man is painful, and there’s no way he’s going to burst into his rendition of the song “Night Man,” is there? Damnit.

Bubbles just isn’t the same when he’s not injecting heroine. Come back to the drugs, Bubs!

Claire, ever the vigilant researcher, notes that he was accused of killing a man. Yes, with a vortex unintentionally, Genius, not with an intentional bullet through the head a la Papa Bennet. I don’t understand where her warped sense of justice is coming from considering she’s seen people wrongly accused, and people forced into situations with no positive solution. Even Mr. Muggles would be more compassionate. Also, the next time you want to do some damage, bring a gun worthy of Doom>, not a wimpy taser that’s going to get sucked up by a vortex, leaving you helpless once again. Or at least some ninja stars.

Mohinder’s Lab

I’ve always been bothered by the dim lighting in labs depicted on TV. How the hell do they get any precise work done? I’m assuming Mohinder’s affliction’s gone into overdrive, plus the lighting budget got slashed in half. Perfect for a scientist morphing into a lizard/snake/cold-blooded slimy thing. Mohinder drags in the sassy black drug dealer’s body and puts him in the back. Maya enters in a chipper mood, still dressed up as J.Lo circa 1993, complete with acid wash jeans, and points out the “Missing” poster for Mohinder’s totally dead neighbor from apartment 4. Mohinder starts kissing Maya’s neck as she glances down at the floor and notices…a streak of ketchup that’s doubling as the drug dealer’s blood. For the first time ever, she’s smart enough to get the hell out of there and quickly excuses herself (“I gots to go shopping!”), but I bet she’ll have a brain fart and come back. And die, I hope.

We look up from the Missing poster to see the neighbor cosily swaddled in what I believe is Mohinder lizard jizz, which is stickier than rubber cement mixed with the stuff they use to make Super Balls. The cocoon is certainly a frugal alternative to the Murphy bed – you can just hang from the wall!

I’ll bet his skin is going to be better off when this is all done.

Vortex Man, House of Bad Accents

Claire, our favorite village idiot, is sitting in a chair, helpless. Vortex man figures out quickly that she’s not with The Company, and then asks if she’s with Pinehearst. Vortex man is super-nice, because he pretends that Claire was there to hold him hostage (the tables have now turned) in an effort to preserve what little ego and self-esteem she has left, and he explains to Claire that he didn’t ever want to hurt anyone, and that the murder she accuses him of was just an accident. Claire’s very supercilious and condescending, implying it was over a broken lawnmower. I can’t say Vortex man is winning me over, either, but at least he’s got useful powers. He thanks the Bush administration for locking him away without a lawyer or a trial, taking away his wife and kids.

Claire’s face starts to fall when she hears him pour out his heart about wanting to be normal (aww, don’t we all?). He tells her to scram, and Claire’s perplexed that he would just let her go, unharmed. Vortex man asks for a head start before she calls The Company, and Claire offers to help. Ah, the mixed up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankenweiler! They’re magic!

Loveshack of Heroes

Tracy and Nathan get dressed as he asks her why she tried to kill herself. Hmm, Nathan, you’re a Senator. Make one of your aides or interns do some research, they already bought you your lame desk. He coaxes her a bit more, and Tracy confides she accidentally killed the reporter who was going to run the story tying her to Niki Sanders. She thanks Nathan for the sex, leaves a twenty on the nightstand, and declares that she will turn herself in. Good luck with that one, since calling the eyewitness tipline was so effective. Nathan tells Niki she can’t show them her powers, explaining that he got shot when he called his ole’ press conference before he could make the big reveal. Oh, and that God gave him his powers. Nathan’s all like, “Sure, who else would give me these powers and devastatingly good looks?” and Tracy retorts, “A doctor, in Reseda, California.” GOT ‘EM.

Emmy face.

House of Vortex

Claire pulls up her high-tech files and hands Vortex man the last known phone number of his family. Seriously, I bet your kid has a MySpace profile, Mr. Vortex. Vortex man’s wife immediately picks up the phone, because that’s what happens in Heroesland, and he excitedly tells her to meet him and bring the kids at Griffith Park’s carousel. The phone cuts him off mid-sentence, so you know Sylar and Bennet have arrived. Vortex man freaks out and immediately thinks Claire set him up (she’s not that smart, didn’t you figure it out yet, man?) after he realizes Bennet’s her dad. Claire is processing that Sylar’s accompanying her dad, and flips out. Bennet keeps his gun on Vortex man, who has no choice but to grab Claire. Vortex man hightails it out of the house after throwing down a vortex in the middle of the living room. He does, however, warn her to grab a hold of something.

Claire holds on to some bric-a-brac as Bennet clings to a post. Sylar, on the other hand, manages to get himself to the other side of the room and grabs Claire’s hand just as the wrought iron cabinet/doodad she clings to gets sucked away into another dimension. Perfect timing. She stares daggers at Sylar, especially since he had to rescue her, and I can’t help but wish Claire had gotten sucked into the Twilight Zone. For a second, I thought she would intentionally let go, if only to avoid holding hands with her brain rapist.

The portal to the world of the Undead closes, and Sylar checks to confirm that their suspect got away. Bennet embraces Claire, who has no idea what to do or think right now. She just mentally craps herself, and demands an explanation for the Bennet-Sylar partnership. I demand an explanation of why you’re dressed like Trinity from The Matrix, Claire.

It’s like Lethal Weapon. Your dad’s Danny Glover.

Sylar starts to apologize to Claire profusely, explaining that when he touched her hand, he felt the pain that he caused her. Bennet cuts him off abruptly, barking that he’s not allowed to talk to Claire, ever. Sylar is the reason why I’m watching this show, because his character development is spot-on, and you can see the anguish in his eyes as Bennet chastises him like he’s a child who just pooped on the carpet.

Bennet grasps Claire by the shoulders and slowly asks her to tell him where Mr. Canfield (sorry, he’ll always be Vortex man to me) is. Claire pleads with her father, explaining that the guy has problems just like she has problems. No-hands cartwheels and pyramids are really, really hard to execute well! Plus homework and SATs, gosh darn it, life is so hard already without an existential crisis to tend to.

Bennet tells her that she can trust him, and that he’d never send anyone to Level 5 who didn’t belong there. Well, um, The Company put you in Level 5, Bennet, so why the hell are you still playing by their rules? If I were Claire, I’d just pretend to go catatonic and not peep a word to anyone. However, we all know she’s going to run to the Griffith Park carousel and cause a scene.

Unmarked sketchy dive bar

Hiro’s Engrish is getting worse, as he, Adam and Ando enter the pool hall/dive bar. Adam proclaims that the place makes a mean Appletini, and that the bar is also a go-to destination for mercenaries for hire. Hiro drops a Star Wars reference, equating it to a cantina, but hell, I don’t hear any happy music or see any robots. Adam jauntily orders the usual, and trouble’s a-brewing as soon as the bartender whirls around. Looks like our favorite indestructible man slept with the barkeep’s lady and feathers are still ruffled. Bar fight!

Ok who isn’t turned on right now?

Barkeep throws a punch, Adam ducks, and Hiro takes it squarely in the face like the chump he is. Ando vainly tries to activate Hiro’s time-freezing powers by manually blinking his eyes and squeezing them open and closed (hee!). Hiro would be dead without Ando. Adam, of course, is outta there.

Level 5, The Company

Nathan and Tracy enter what looks like Sylar’s cell, to find that Mama P has heavily sedated Present Peter. A strong dose of color on those drab prison walls would really boost morale, Mama P. Nathan demands to know what’s going on, and Mama P acts all uppity as usual, demurring that she heard Tracy went to visit Orville Redenbacher (Dr. Zimmerman). Orville used to work for The Company in R&D. Tracy asks for help removing her powers, and Mama P bitchily replies that the work is classified. “You want me to go public with this?” threatens Tracy. Nathan, crouched over Peter’s body, knows his Mama is hiding something. Who’s the baby

Apparently, Dr. Orville created synthetic abilities for The Company, and a number of infants were injected with the serum. DUN DUN DUN. Tracy, Niki and Barbara as well as Nathan were given abilities via shots. Well, so much for the God-Given Delusion. Nathan, would you like an autographed copy of Dawkins’ book?

But God told you to give me the formula, right?

Laboratory of Creepy Crawlies

Did any of you ever have that playset where you could make multi-colored gummies shaped like rats and tarantulas? Or at least remember the commercials? They were slightly traumatic, especially when they came out with an edition where you could make them goo-filled. The kids in the commercials were so damn gleeful, you just know they were the boys in your class who’d make farting noises in their armpits while you’d walk down the aisle.

Maya enters and I immediately mute the volume, because I know this scene will be packed with a lot of M. Night Shyamalamadingdong-esque scary screechy sudden noises. Instead, I put on “Thriller” because we all know that song and its accompanying dance are far superior. Anyway, the red mood lighting in Mohinder’s lab is pretty odd, and Maya whirls around in an interpretive dance of her journey as an illegal immigrant before smacking into the rubber cement/jizz-nest of Apartment 4′s semi-dead guy. Whatever, he had a semi-charmed kind of life anyway. She grabs a butter knife to cut the guy out, but hears the door open. There’s aluminum foil plastered everywhere on the window, so either Mohinder is making a robot costume for Halloween, or he couldn’t afford drapes.

Maya’s conveniently hidden herself under the examining table in the center of the room. Mohinder enters and his spidey-sense tells him he’s got a live one in the backroom. He enters, sees the slashes in his jizz-nest – they’re red, so I’m assuming Maya caused more damage with knife rather than the help she intended – and starts to rage. However, Maya’s mascara is starting to run, and Mohinder’s eyes fill up with The Blackness. He glances at Apartment 4 guy, whose eyes are darkening as well, which means his victims are not fully dead. Not sure what sort of experiments he’s doing on them or how they control their bowel movements while half-alive, but duct tape will probably solve all his problems. The one time Maya can be useful, she botches it, listening to Mohinder when he begs her to control her powers, guilting her about the people she’s already killed. He upsets the rolling table and she calls him a monster as he hisses and presumably attacks her. Ah, way to work the title of the episode into the dialogue, writer-geniuses! Maya, you win the Darwin Award of Heroes, Season 3.

Cue the applause track.

In a generically dark alley somewhere

Hiro and Ando, ever the bumbling duo due to Hiro’s lack of reflexes, search in vain for Adam Monroe. I’d blame nearsightedness, but they fail to check the most obvious of spots, the dumpster where Adam is actually hidden. Adam chuckles at the fools, and leaps out of the dumpster only to be smacked in the gut by Knox, who promptly disposes an unconscious Adam into his unmarked decrepit van. Aw, don’t you love those vans? I’d totally drive one of those babies around on November 4 telling old people I was there to take them to vote at the polls. Knox calls someone and tells them the deed is done, asking what he should do with the Japanese Wonder Twins.

Mama P’s office, The Company

Mama P’s forked over the documentation on the synthetic serum to Nathan and Tracy to peruse, and Nathan chastises his Mama for telling him he was special. “We were trying to be better than God,” Mama P explains. Well, cry me a river, my cat’s breath smells like cat food. Mama P defends her decision to inject him, citing Papa Petrelli’s disappointment that Nathan lacked the genetic code that the rest of the family had. Papa Petrelli was totally a Harvard man, in my opinion. Funny, because Peter was the emotastic one of the bunch, and he scored the best powers of all of them. Tracy does her best to look like she knows how to read, while Mama P says that they were obviously right to inject Nathan since his lineage made him a perfect candidate. Tracy asks why the hell they picked her, since she was an orphan whose parents were dead.

Mama P replies that it’s all good, since they’ve split up the formula so that this could never happen again. Well, too bad, Tracy says, ’cause that didn’t stop her from killing a man. Mama P is losing her icy cold grip on the situation, because she begs Tracy to help her, since someone’s stolen the formula. Wow, she’s acting obsequious to a commoner. Obviously, the formula theft can be traced back to one of the Original Heroes. Or God, played by George Burns. Or Oprah, because if everyone could fly, we’d all be part of Oprah’s Angel Network. Get me some wings with that free car, woman!

Emmy waddle.

Nathan tells his Mama to go to hell when she begs him to help her, to prevent the world from being overrun with crazies that need to be stopped. Mama P, in a fine bit of acting, keeps pleading, with a desperation in her eyes, explaining that the end of the world is why Peter took Sylar’s abilities, to help stop the world from ending. Nathan, however, is correct to not just play back into his mama’s hands, even though she was probably the first Victoria’s Secret angel in existence. Nathan’s like, dude, you locked up your son and are shunning him, and you did experiments on me and God knows who else.

Tracy’s all, “Talk to the hand,” as she and Nathan exit. Nathan gets the bright idea to find Mohinder, and tells Tracy they have to find him. Oh yeah, go ahead and trust the mad scientist who likes to make jizz-nests. He’s absolutely harmless, as we cut to Mohinder putting the finishing touches on Maya’s cocoon. The jizz-nests take the cake for the most ghetto-looking props ever – was it their intention to make nests out of Halloween party supply spiderwebs from 1999? Because that’s what they did, combined with a fresh coating of honey and maple syrup to make them look wet and shiny. I’m pretty sure this was a seasonal art project in my third grade class, along with string art, where you thread a needle and repeatedly poke holes in a paper to make a 3D looking heart or puppy.

Carousel of Broken Dreams, Griffith Park

Claire walks up to the world’s saddest Vortex man. The carousel is all lit up, but it’s mega-depressing, like watching someone get their foot lopped off by Big Thunder Railroad at Disneyland. It’s obvious Vortex Man’s family didn’t show up, and Claire fails in her attempt to look nonchalant, since Papa Bennet can’t be far behind with his gun.

I’m more depressed now than I was when The Wire ended. WAHWAH.

Vortex Man says Claire was right, that his wife and kids are afraid of him. For some reason, he gets off the stationary carousel, as if to take a walk with her or go grab some In and Out, and moans that maybe he is a monster. Right on cue, Vortex Man has a gun aimed at his head by Bennet (I’m sure it’s not the first time). Claire, of course, looks incredulous. Goddammit, Claire, dye your hair brown, and you’ll become marginally smarter.

Bennet is a man who will never understand the plight of those with powers, and it’s clear he sees that things are black and white. Because Vortex Man’s file says he killed a person, Bennet believes it, and doesn’t examine the situation and the person more closely. Bennet uses these “facts” to justify the killings he makes in order to keep people safe, when in actuality, he’s just causing more disorder and misunderstanding because of his lack of compassion. He’s as unwavering in his belief of this as Palin is in her belief that she was cleared of any wrongdoing in the Troopergate case. Also, up is down, night is day, and the Pope loves death metal.

Guess what? Bennet wants to make a deal, just like on The Price is Right. If Vortex man makes Sylar disappear, Bennet will let him go. Yes, it’s insane. Especially because Sylar stole the power of acute hearing in like, what, Season 1, from the mechanic lady who always wore her headphones, and can totally hear everything that’s going on. Claire yelps impotently, and the poor Vortex man starts to cry. That’s how the cookie always crumbles. Bennet, who was the top scholar at the Academy de Machiavelli, orders Vortex man to kill Sylar, all while claiming that he’s doing it for God, country, and Claire. Hmm, yeah, well, I hope your health insurance covers years of therapy, Claire-bear.

Sylar starts walking towards Vortex man and Bennet as Claire gasps. Vortex man exclaims, “I won’t be a monster!” and opens up a vortex by his hand, sucking himself into it. Damn. Goodbye, Vortex man, you had exquisite taste in polo shirts. We end with Claire shooting her daddy the surliest look imaginable.

Hey! I thought we were pals! I haven’t killed anyone all day!

Dive Bar of Mercenaries

Hiro and Ando bemoan their misfortune while getting wasted on cheap gin. You know, getting the formula, losing it, hitting their hero slump, being the worst heroes ever, losing the speedster, and now losing Adam. In short, sucking at life. Ando pessimistically rues that it can’t get any worse. That’s Daphne’s cue to show up, tailed by Knox. She’s really enjoying her role as sorority recruiter, it appears, and tells Hiro that they have to prove themselves since they have a track record of being goody two-shoes. Hiro unconvincingly exclaims that he and Ando are badasses now.

Hiro proclaims that he is the one with powers, that he controls time and space. Knox, with a gleam in his eyes, pulls a random samurai sword from the wall, and hands it to him. “Kill the other one,” Knox informs Hiro. “Whaaaa?” both Hiro and Daphne exclaim. Hello, kids, this is Gang Initiation 101. Usually, you have to kill someone AND be jumped in. Blood in, blood out. Don’t look so shocked, it’s unbecoming.

Hiro would never have made it as an AzN GanGster in the OC, but apparently he’ll do what it takes to join the sorority of heroes/villains. All Knox says is that if he kills Ando, he’ll truly be badass. All of a sudden, in a completely unbelievable turn of character, Hiro stands in front of Ando and apologizes for what he’s about to do. He blathers that he has to make sacrifices to save the world…and guts Ando like a piece of fresh sashimi. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK. REALITY FAIL.

Ando gasps, “Hiro!” with a look of utter dismay and surprise on his poor face, and slumps to the ground. I don’t buy it. It’s got to be an illusion. If it wasn’t, it was the most retarded, impossible twist they could’ve written into the script. That, and making Claire pregnant with Sylar’s twins. I need a drink.

I’m trying to come up with an argument against this statement, but I’m blank.

Car de Bennet

Bennet pulls up to the family house and doesn’t apologize for his actions. He tells Claire he did what he had to do, for the family. I say, good sir, you have delusions of grandeur. In the backseat, Sylar pipes up that Bennet didn’t take down Steven Canfield when he had the chance, and that Claire doesn’t believe Bennet at all. Bennet used Claire to find Vortex man, and then he used Vortex man to try and kill Sylar. “He doesn’t see our humanity, Claire,” notes Sylar. Touché. Zachary Quinto is the reason why I’m still watching, so I’m excited to see him out in the world instead of locked up on some malaria-ridden island of illusion. Bennet doesn’t take into account any humanity except what he wants to see, and his blindness to shades of grey and ambiguity will be the downfall of Claire and the rest of the Bennet family.

Claire, still shaken by recent events, shudders and proclaims Sylar a monster. However, I think she’s softening up and seeing that the “monster” title can be equally applied to her father as well, though she won’t admit it outright. Bennet does everything but burst out into song (“Everything I Do, I Do For You”) and hugs her close as he demands her reassurance. Too late, the seed of doubt has been planted!

Our favorite cheerleader runs into Casa de Bennet into the arms of a fretful Mama B. Relieved to have Claire back, Mama B exclaims that she’s glad Meredith found her. Ruh roh. Claire reveals that it was Papa Bennet and Sylar who came to the rescue, not Meredith. Something wicked this way comes…

…and it involves eating a spicy meatball, eh? Meredith is angrily eating dinner with the Puppetmaster himself, Eric Doyle. It’s just like that I Love Lucy episode where she mirrors Harpo Marx, but creepier and more obese.

Next we’re gonna rub lotion on ourselves, pretty!

I initially thought he looked like one of the trolls who flames forums like Something Awful, but it looks like he’s a pervy chubbo who really likes dolls and puppets. Eric Doyle’s abilities allow him to control the motions of his victims (but not their minds, fortunately), like a lighter version of the Imperius Curse in Harry Potter. He seals Meredith’s mouth shut when she protests and forces her to give him a kiss. There’s a spotted frog wearing a hat straight out of the Ricola commercial in there!

Mama P’s office, The Company

Mama Petrelli is having a bad day. She starts to nod off and has one of her psychic, future-telling dreams. In her dream state, she’s startled awake by a blood-curdling scream, and runs down the empty hallway and through double doors to find a lifeless Tracy and Nathan (vampire wounds?). Peter stands in the hallway, both hands bloody, and Mama P fervently hopes that he didn’t do this. Well, turns out Peter got stabbed in the head with a pipe, and he’s down for the count. Hello, just take the pipe out, he’ll be fine. She whirls around as ominous music plays, and a suited man greets her. Sylar’s father? Nathan and Peter’s father? Daddy issues much?

The suited man coolly explains that he can’t have her seeing the future. Mama P angrily refuses to acknowledge his existence, exclaiming that she’ll stop him. He stifles laughter and says that’s impossible, because she won’t be able to move. Curious. He wears a prominent looking signet ring.

Question: How do we know if half of Mama P’s prophetic future dreams weren’t illusions cast by Parkman’s dad, especially if the original Heroes parted ways over disagreements about how to run The Company and the world? Are her future dreams watermarked or designated with some special seal so that she knows she’s actually in her own head? The loopholes astound me.

The dreams have the NBC peacock on them.

Pinehurst

“You’re late!” barks Ghostface Killah Linderman. Daphne’s not pleased with what happened at the bar, as she explains she’s not a killer. Linderman issues some clichés like “No pain, no gain” and “Just do it” before handing her the next recruit on the list. It’s Parkman. From what we saw of the African Shaman Hipster’s paintings, Parkman and Daphne fall in love and have a kid together. At least they did until Peter caused Future Gabriel/Sylar to go nuclear. Linderman explains that Parkman can implant thoughts into her head and make her see things that aren’t there.

Daphne is cocky to spill her thoughts to Linderman, bragging that she’s so fast that no one can creep up on her, except the creepy old man in front of her. Well, he’s certainly more spry than Hugh Hefner, who’s lost two of his girlfriends to younger men (Criss Angel? Seriously?). Linderman steps closer to her and she sweeps the file folder through his illusion of a body. It’s clearly Parkman’s dad, by the way, especially since her next recruit is Parkman! The old remaining heroes have been taking sides, and now it’s time for an epic battle between old and new heroes/villains. Can’t you see it now? Tom Brokaw will moderate the debates as Mama Petrelli goes up against Papa Petrelli.

Ohhhh yeah, it’s Parkman’s father who’s helping run the show at Pinehurst, as he steps out from behind a column after Daphne speeds off.

It’s bad manners to put your hand through people.

We cut to a blue-lit room housing a royal-looking oak bed and dripping IVs and a breathing tube, as Maury Parkman talks to a voiceless body. He reassures the Body that he implanted visions into Nathan’s head so that he believed he was talking to Linderman, and that Daphne is busy out spreading the word. God has risen, my children! God has risen! Evidently, they’re building an army, Knox just called a few minutes ago and Adam Monroe will get back soon. Let the games begin, because anything Mr. Petrelli says, goes. I always knew Papa Petrelli’s “suicide” in Season 1 was assisted, and now we have confirmation that he’s mega-pissed he didn’t sign a pre-nup when marrying the Heroes village bicycle.

I blame you, Peter Gabriel, for all of this.