Heroes: Veronica Mars Lives!

Spare me your excuses, I smell filler.

Previously on Heroes: Micah rigged cable in one of the few non-trailers of post-Katrina New Orleans, Monica busted out the stripper pole moves that would shame Elizabeth Berkeley, Hiro became pen pals with Ando across centuries, Peter’s dick stayed in the box but not out of Caitlin, Nathan shaved, Parkman discovers his negligent daddy was no trophy husband, and Mohinder considers the services of ABC’s Supernanny after Molly got caught by the boogeyman while tracking Parkman’s pop.This week, we don’t learn that Harvard physiologist Walter Cannon discovered and coined the term “fight or flight”, the response also known as acute stress response or hyperarousal, in 1915. Why? ‘Cause the hackneyed opening monologue makes us think it’s something from Papa Suresh’s ubiquitous book, and it sounds like they’ve already used this cliché last season. Where do you hide if you think your nightmares are following you? Well, if you’re Cherie Johnson, you hide in the old refrigerator that Henry put in the backyard. And suffocate till Punky finds a way to rescue you.

How about neither?

Ando spends this entire episode decoding Hiro’s teeny-tiny scrolls, with the assistance of a scientist who has the equivalent of a giant magnifying glass and some lemon juice, just in case they decide to write something back in invisible ink. Nothing new is revealed, and they can’t read the end of the message on the last teeny-tiny scroll. Kanji’s hard. Hiro shows restraint as he doesn’t plaster his notes with Hello Kitty stickers. That’s all you need to know — it’s mind-blowing stuff.

Three’s Company, New York

Mohinder claims that hospitals are not equipped to deal with Molly’s feverish coma (“My surrogate daughter is having a nightmare-induced seizure!”) and Parkman and Mommy Mohinder fight over how irresponsible it was to have Molly look up Parkman’s dad. Dr. Phil yawns as Parkman freaks out, since he hasn’t seen his daddy in 25 years – will he recognize him or just shoot him on sight? Mohinder guilt trips his life partner into going, pointing out Parkman has all the information he needs to get to the boogeyman’s lair, Apt. 9 in Philly. Parkman thinks Mama Petrelli has answers.

After Parkman leaves, Mohinder calls up his other lover, Bennet. From the looks of the green screen, Bennet and The Haitian are in a generically Eastern European place that’s supposed to represent Odessa. Mohinder complains that Parkman doesn’t cuddle anymore, and that Molly’s trapped in a nightmare and is getting worse. Bennet suggests a hospital, to which Mohinder replies, “Men! You’re all the same! Suggesting urgent care from an HMO!” Mohinder stupidly decides to take Molly to The Company’s facilities, even though Bennet warns him that they’ll just take her away in the end and not to forget whose side he’s on. Stop being such a woman, Mohinder. I gotta say, that’s pretty good cell phone reception for Ukraine.

At The Company, Molly lies hooked up to an IV, sedated and still unconscious. Mohinder has just been given another “assignment” along with a taser. Perplexed by the ethics issues the weapon raises, bleeding-heart Mohinder can’t imagine having to use it on a subject. In what is arguably the best scene of this episode, sirens immediately start blaring, lights flash, and the double doors of the hallway are knocked off their joints as Niki/Jessica is unleashed. She strolls over to Bob and lifts him by the neck, strangling him against the wall. Ned Ryerson is having a bad hair day. Mohinder, who suddenly realizes that guns don’t kill people, people kill people, grows a pair and busts out the taser on Niki/Jessica. It’s amazing, and I believe that Heroes’ ratings would go up if Niki’s future scenes all involve her appearing on-screen for about 3.5 seconds before getting tasered. I wouldn’t even mind if she showed up in every episode, if that were the case.

In a world of rampant racial profiling, Mohinder is screwed.

Looks like Niki submitted herself to The Company so they’d fix her multiple personality problem, and disagrees with Mohinder’s protests that she’s a prisoner. Stockholm syndrome’s a bitch.

The Land of Trailers
Monica’s wiping up the glass as a cop takes down her statement. Nice glossy headshot of the guy – Linus Steels, a local gangbanger, who hits up fast food joints. Hee. What are these guys, extras? Monica doesn’t want to be a snitch and identify the burglar, and the cop is disgusted with her lack of heroics, saying he can’t help a neighborhood who can’t help itself. Guess we know who thinks he’s above the people. It honestly looks like a scene out of a low-budget porno, complete with lines like “he shoved his gun in my face.”

I’m gonna ask you again, is this yo’ baby’s daddy?

Later, behind Burger Bonanza, Camille tries to play sympathetic listener to a diffident Monica, asking her what is going on. “I jus’ didn’t want some crackhead looking for revenge,” says Monica. Well, I think it’s a crackhead up in that tree! Camille doesn’t know how Monica pulled off the pole kick move, because no one in New Orleans is offering stripteasercise classes. Monica says she learned it from TV, and confesses that something is happening to her body – who knew superpowers were another side effect of menstruation? She’s certainly got the weepy emotional PMSing part down. Just as I’m confused by the daylight in this scene and what the hell Camille was doing at Burger Bonanza anyway, Monica says that she’s been there since the previous night and hasn’t slept. Well, you can’t learn any cool new tricks if your eyes are closed, girlie.

Back at The House That God Prevented From Washing Away, Monica enters the living room where Nana Storm (that’s her name from now on), like all old people, love it when young prodigies play the piano. That, and when their dentures fit just right. In elementary school, I used to play Andrew Lloyd Weber hits, old-timey tunes and some Chopin for the elderly at local nursing homes and hospitals. It got depressing after I realized the turnover rate was so high. They really loved it when I played “Memory” as they ate their pudding cups of red Jell-O.

Hurricane Katrina tried to destroy this trippy purple wallpaper but failed.

Micah is a mini-Mozart with better hair, playing some fast arpeggios on a piano that, despite not being played for years, is still in tune. How do you have money to tune a piano but not get better writing and more sets, Tim Kring? Monica admires her little cousin, and sits down next to him to talk about not having mommies. “Mama always said, ‘God doesn’t give us what we can’t handle.’” What about the forest fires ravaging my state of California? The sky is ORANGE. She starts playing along without realizing, as Micah asks, “You play too?” In a scene straight out of R.L Stine’s “Goosebumps” series, Monica’s possessed by some crazy Russian pianist’s hands and speeds through the end of the piece. As she gazes in horror, she tries to stop it, which is the only explanation for how horribly dissonant it sounds. So bursts of musical genius are also a new side-effect of Aunt Flo. Lucky girl, I just get awful cramps.

They don’t make a Midol for this.

Micah confronts Monica about the incident, as she hastily covers a tray full of tomato roses she’s carved up. She tries to blame it on a couple of hard years, but he’s a smart kid. Micah demonstrates his mechanical/electrical engineering abilities by laying his hand on the TV and turning it on and flipping through channels. He reveals that his parents also had powers, to Monica’s amazement. Handing her a copy of 9th Wonders, he explains that she’s similar to St. Joan, a cat-like heroine who is a muscle mimic, a literal “copy-cat.” If Isaac Mendez is dead, how does 9th Wonders still exist, with such conveniently relevant issues? No matter, they’re off to test her powers.

I can has cheezburger, if I use mah powerz.

Strolling along the ‘hood, Micah suggests kickflips, slam dunks, and…double dutch. Every time I think they’ve run out of racial stereotypes, Heroes writers surprise me. Monica opts for the jump rope challenge, claiming she is terrible at it. “You want something, lady?” taunts the double dutch girl. Sassy. Why not splice some footage from “You Got Served” while we’re at it. Monica concentrates and her muscle mimic skills allow her to show the neighborhood girls up. She gets really into it, clapping and cartwheeling and twirling fire as she skips, to the delight of Micah, who starts to giggle and jump up and down out of support. I’ve never been so creeped out by playground sports.

For only 25 cents a day, you can wire this child’s mouth shut.

That night, after her blacktop victory, Monica watches some Bruce Lee (pretty sure that’s on cable) and practices the Chinese get-up. Micah is proud of her, admiring her progress as she replicates an entire sequence of Kung-fu moves. They smile at each other for being special-ed, and pinky promise to keep their powers a secret, but I think Nana Storm knows something. Someone’s rapping at the door, but it’s not the gangbanger. It’s still a minority, though – Mohinder!

Cork, Ireland

Caitlin closes up in the middle of the day, what else, some afternoon delight. Her hair looks perpetually wet – don’t tell me that she hasn’t peeped in Peter’s box already. Caitlin’s repetitive speech on “I know the kind of man you are” is really beating a dead horse, but Peter’s penis is satisfied and he has no urge to give up regular sex for a box filled with a couple of rapidly devaluing American dollars and Vote Petrelli campaign buttons.

Take me to Pleasure Town.

Down at the shipping yard, Veronica Mars investigates the case of The Missing Petrelli iPods. The Irish Spring Gang traitor is there, and she questions him about Peter. Kristen Bell, whose character’s name is Elle, plays the oblivious and innocent card, snooping for info on the lost cargo. Her hair looks as long and lustrous as one of the My Little Ponies I had as a kid – it was translucent, glittery, and named Dazzle Surprise. She holds up a picture of Peter for good measure, to prove she’s not playing Nancy Drew for the day. She drops that she works for a company that’s interested in keeping Peter out of trouble. You mean, THE COMPANY, the only business that seems to exist in the Heroes world besides Dell and Nissan.

Traitorface knows Peter’s dangerous and mentions he’s in town at Wandering Rocks Pub. Yeah, that’ll really redeem you in Ricky’s eyes. He leers at Veronica Mars (face it, I just can’t call her Elle) and asks why the company sent such a little girl. Walking away, she demonstrates her not-so-amazing ability to electrify stuff. However, she singlehandedly makes the storyline exponentially better, don’t you agree?

She’s no Raiden.

Back at the pub, Ricky and an old geezer walk in, catching Peter and Caitlin acting like high schoolers PDA’ing next to their school lockers. Geezer mentions the American girl pestering the dock guys about Peter, who she’s mentioned is dangerous. Ricky plays the big brother, telling Peter to go with Caitlin to her flat and stay there until Ricky gets rid of whoever is looking for him. Unlike most big bros who would beat any of their sister’s gentleman callers into a pulp for even glancing at the girl, Ricky can’t argue with lightning bolts and telekinesis. “I’m not afraid of a little blood,” says Ricky. That’s what they all say, until they’re fried like an egg on a hot sidewalk.

Entering her flat, Caitlin apologizes that her place isn’t much. Yeah, well, it looks like her apartment has a replica of the very expensive and iconic Eero Saarinen Tulip Table, and she has enough disposable income to buy ugly leggings from Urban Outfitters. I can’t even afford a couch yet, I recap “Heroes” while sitting on my roommate’s ottoman – but I know better than to leave the house dressed like La Lohan/Sienna Miller/Olsenface.

Leggings are NOT pants.

Turns out Caitlin is a painter, one who leaves blank canvases propped up on easels. Most of her works look drippy and blue, like Jackson Pollock on anti-depressants. Peter praises her talent and marvels that there’s a real bed, since he’s been sleeping in the backroom of the pub for some time now, and wants to test the mattress springs. What a horndog. But wait, they brought along his mystery box, but Peter still doesn’t want to open it. Any moment now, Veronica Mars is going to barrel through the door. Or so I hope. Caitlin reiterates her shpiele about Peter being a good person and they finally open the stupid thing. Inside: Airplane tickets to Montreal, a passport with the name of Peter Petrelli, some condoms and a dental dam! Oh, and a picture of Peter and Nathan, not like Peter remembers that he even has a brother. Caitlin’s a succubus.

Peter eyes the blank canvas and starts to see colors shifting like a Kool-Aid-laced acid trip. The white eyeballs reappear, Isaac-style, and Peter starts to paint, totally undermining the confidence and trust of his new girlfriend. I think Caitlin is a little jealous. Alas, those who can, paint the future…and those who can’t, paint to relax.

Blame Canada.

After some time, Peter is done being a show-off, and so is his painting. It’s more evocative of Pointillism than his previous work – it depicts two figures near a church in Montreal, with the cross streets Blvd. Saint-Laurent and Rue Saint-Jacque. He’s not even aware he had this power, surprise, surprise. Caitlin gets a call, informing her that her big bro is crispier than bacon. Mmm, bacon.

Back at Ye Olde Pub

“Do you have haggis?” asks Veronica Mars. She says she’s looking for a guy. Best time after a football match, says Ricky. Hee. She holds up the picture of Peter and Ricky denies seeing him. Oh, Ricky, you should really go with your thug instincts and shoot the girl before she can zap you. VM gives Ricky a chance to ‘fess up, but he continues to lie. It’s a shame, the guy was starting to grow on me. VM welds the door lock and shoots blue electricity at poor Ricky. Pubs feature lots of breaded and fried foods to go with pints of beer, right? This guy is about to become the ultimate Jalapeño Popper.

Parkman and Petrelli encounter the Boogeyman

A disheveled Nathan confronts Parkman about interrogating Mama Petrelli about her sex, lies and videotape. Or maybe just sex and candy, since it seems she used to canoodle with Kaito Nakamura, and he didn’t seem too kinky. Nathan’s been tippling again, the five o’clock shadow is back and he reeks of hooker. Parkman explains his earth-shattering theory that his father is the boogeyman haunting Molly’s dream, and that all these connections are leading to something dangerous. Nathan asks to go with Parkman to hunt the nightmare man, and Parkman relents after he realizes flying with Private Jet Petrelli is both faster and cheaper than Southwest Airlines, whose seats are a bit too snug for him anyway. Noting that Parkman definitely exceeds the 50 lb. checked luggage limit, Nathan replies, “I’m not a cargo jet!” Nathan’s a fast flier, but I don’t know if he has the upper body strength to carry Nathan the way Emotard clutches Claire. Do you think they sing “I Believe I Can Fly” on the way there?

I guess Nathan found a way to strap Parkman to himself, because they’re in Philadelphia in front of apartment #9 – and they don’t have any luggage. I wonder who was the big spoon. Parkman’s not ready because he hasn’t prepared a speech for his dad, but Nathan reminds him that it’s not a fucking family reunion and pre-emptively knocks on the door.

Gun out, Parkman enters and encounters a balding, double-chinned, drooping jowled man – not a good sign for him, if it’s genetic. Oh yeah, the old guy also has a loaded shotgun, and starts screaming at the dynamic duo. It takes him a second, but he’s not completely senile and recognizes his son. Parkman disarms his father, who tells them he’s hiding out with the firearm because he’s been marked for death, too, and points to a photograph on the table matching Kaito’s and Mama Petrelli’s. So the boogeyman was just visiting Apartment 9 just as Molly was looking for Parkman’s dad…or not. Something’s fishy. The red Sharpied Heroes symbol on Parkman’s dad’s photo looks a little too neat – the marker is just too thick and doesn’t match all the other photos.

This moment calls for an awkward turtle.

Nathan and Parkman take turns in a segment called “Storytime with the Boogeyman” in which they tell Parkman’s dad way too much about events that have transpired including Molly’s coma and Kaito’s murder. Didn’t they teach you any interrogation tactics in detective school, Parkman? Like, ahem, water-boarding? As Parkman has his dad cuffed and backed up against the wall, things take a creepy turn towards S&M incest as Parkman’s dad (whose name is Maury, by the way) insinuates that his son enjoys slapping him around, since he still seems mad about being abandoned decades ago. Nathan is having none of this weird sexual tension, and demands that Matt just read Papa Parkman’s head already.

Papa Parkman has a sinister grin on his face as Parkman tries to read his mind but is flung back by the equivalent of a painful brain freeze coupled with the tinny high-pitched noise that only dogs can hear. Run! It’s totally the boogeyman, and he can read your mind too!

Parkman, this is not the time for the Chicken Dance.

Unfortunately, Parkman is too overcome by the fact that his pudgy dad is standing right in front of him (and shorter than expected), so he uncuffs Papa Parkman, who immediately hugs him. Ew. The guy looks like he has Funyun crumbs on his shirt. He starts talking about how ashamed he is, about the heroes he joined up with, and how he tried to stop them from being corrupt. And then I found five dollars.

Papa Parkman starts talking about how the mind-reading abilities goes much further, and invites his son into the back room for God-knows-what, reassuring him he has some old materials that will help him to “understand.” That’s what pedophiles tell their victims before luring them into the alley with a lollipop. Nathan’s just sitting there with the empty shotgun, wishing he had a six-pack of anything.

A haircut and some styling wax could help.

For a telepath who should be used to “reading” people, Parkman sucks at reading body language and tone of voice – he follows Papa Parkman, and the door immediately slams shut. Parkman’s entered an illusion and thinks he’s in prison, where he’s restrained by a guard and encounters his wife and the baby. Illusion Janice accuses Parkman of deserting her and his baby, implying that he’ll abandon Molly the way his dad abandoned him. Again, where’s the much-needed therapist character on this show? Nathan bursts through the locked door and finds himself on the rooftop of the Deveaux building, which is covered in ash from fires resulting from the apocalyptic Peter-bomb…that never actually exploded in New York. Nathan figures out that it’s not real, while Parkman is convinced he walked through another dimension into jail, pleading to be let out. “Pleasant dreams,” mutters Papa Parkman, as he exits the door and leaves the apartment. That was cold. Evil is a fat man in a dandruff-sprinkled, striped polo shirt.

Gorbachev’s American twin.

Parkman struggles with the guilt brought on by illusions of Janice and the baby boy, and fights with the prison guard, who turns out to be Nathan underneath the spell cast by Papa Parkman. Nathan, meanwhile, is in the same room but thinks he’s grappling with his disfigured, scarred alter-ego (who he initially thought was Peter) on the Deveaux Rooftop. It’s one of the cooler sequences we’ve seen in awhile, since they’re fighting each other in the same room without realizing it, and – surprise – it totally saves Tim Kring money. It takes them awhile, but Parkman’s mind-reading skills kick in or something and he pleads with Nathan to snap out of it.

“My pants are too tight, they’re cutting off circulation to my face!”

When they return to reality, it looks as though they just climaxed together, with Nathan rolling off of Parkman. I’m not kidding, go back and watch it. The room is also a mess. Parkman starts flinging shit around out of frustration, and they discover Bob’s photo marked with the symbol.

Hiroland

Hiro’s voiceover recalls Kensei’s feats in battling the “Angry Rice and Ronin” and climbing the “Frozen Waterfall” which was probably a giant ice luge that facilitated a steady stream of sake. Yaeko has taken up watercoloring and is still useless. Hiro is caught up in the story he’s helping to write, which is going according to plan – White Beard’s camp map? Check. Blossoming love? Check. Rescue of the Swordsman? In progress. So what’s wrong, Hiro?

Spencer Pratt descended from a long line of Monchichis, starting with Neck-beard Kensei.

Also, there’s also an entire army to fight, and we all know Yaeko, who insists on accompanying her crazy white man, doesn’t have any powers.

Back in the Land of Guinness

Veronica Mars sits in a car chatting on the phone to someone, presumably her boss at The Company. My first assumption is that she torched the pub, because she has the wheedling tone of voice she used to placate her father, Sheriff Keith, back in the days of Neptune. “It was just some guy,” she whines, almost confirming my suspicion that a parental unit is on the line. “This is my assignment and I almost had him!” Ricky is crispier than the burnt Totino’s Pizza Rolls I tried to pry from a cookie sheet tonight. “What if I promise not to…fine, I’ll come home now,” she says resignedly. “Sorry, Daddy, it won’t happen again.”

How did Bob’s sperm produce this?

How did you enjoy a week without Maya’s deadly plug for waterproof mascara? Do you think Bob is Veronica Mars’ (fine, Elle’s) papa? Who’s next on the Boogeyman hitlist? I truly hope that everyone who’s in southern California or has loved ones and friends in the areas affected by fire is safe — we could all use a hero or two right now.