Heroes: Four months later, “Yatta!” becomes “Dai pinchi!”

As an early birthday present, Flipit promised me that I’d get to recap a show that is nothing like American Inventor. I’d say that Heroes qualifies. Good thing I started learning Japanese a year ago, so now I can sort of figure out what Hiro and Ando are really saying. Not really, but I can at least identify when they’re asking a question without the subtitles (“ka” at the end of a statement makes it a question). That’s about all I know. Baka mo ichigei — even a fool has one talent.

And who doesn’t love shows with limited commercial interruptions by Nissan? They may have been limited, but it evidently meant watching the same ad for the all-new Nissan Rogue run three times in a row during one commercial break. Talk about getting the most for their advertising money. Did that happen for you, too? I thought that my TV was busted.

What would a Heroes season opener be without the obligatory opening monologue accompanied by a montage? “The sun rises on a new dawn…blah blah blah…destiny brought the heroes together to save us from ourselves.” I hope that’s the last we see of Ali Larter but according to IMDB, that’s not gonna happen, so I’ll settle for a Niki/Jessica-free week and pretend it’s a bonus birthday present. Like a surprise pinata filled with tiny plastic bottles of delicious adult beverages.

“We pass them on a street without ever knowing…” intones the omniscient voice of Shenkar (the artist formerly known as Shankar. No joke). “How long can they dwell in the shadows before they’re cast out into the light?” I don’t know, Shenkar, are we talking about cockroaches here? Because they can dwell for a pretty damn long time, unless Sylar’s around — and then they just show up all the time.

Cairo, Egypt

Mohinder lectures to a sparsely filled room: “I believe I’ve discovered a plague which targets only these unique individuals, a virus…that deprives our species of their evolutionary advancement.” I assume he’s talking about stupidity, and I thought social Darwinism would take care of that after awhile. His Powerpoint is not as well-funded as Al Gore’s, that’s for sure. Mohinder wraps it up by asking the audience to spread awareness of the virus and his ideas, in the hopes that it may attract some funding. Good luck, the guy in the third row is totally asleep and drooling — might as well be an Econ 1 lecture.

As Mohinder leaves, A roly-poly bespectacled man follows him down the stairs and asks for an autograph. I’m not sure what Mohinder signs — probably not a copy of his dad’s ever-ubiquitous book — but it’s not the guy’s manboob. Roly-Poly drops that he knows of Mohinder’s father and sister. Predictably, Mohinder flips a bitch and slams him against the wall with surprising force. Maybe traveling lecturers get free trial passes to Bally Total Fitness these days instead of full health benefits. “How do you know me?” he snarls. “You’ve been at three of my lectures!”

Wanna make out?

“I found your profile on Facebook,” confides Roly-Poly man. “You should really restrict your privacy settings.” Actually, he’s with some company that wants to hire Mohinder. It’s true, Mohinder isn’t the most employable of people at the moment. “I found your father’s book in the parapsychology section in between hypnosis and alien abduction,” says Roly-Poly. He insists on buying Mohinder a drink. I’m going to jump ahead and splice together the next part of the scene that would follow this one, if this episode didn’t insist on jumping back and forth between 104910 different storylines for the whole hour.

So Mohinder sits down to tea with Roly-Poly, who’s going on and on about how his company finds people and makes sure they don’t become dangerous, which sometimes means making them understand what they’re capable and ensuring that they can use their abilities for the greater good. Other times, that means The Company finds these special folk and “eliminates” them.

Who gives you the right to decide who lives and dies, asks Mohinder. Roly-Poly mentions that he was about to kill Sylar. “Sylar was a monster!” exclaims Mohinder. Right-o.

“And you were willing to kill him for the greater good. You acted on a moral imperative to protect your species,” says Roly-Poly. He talks as if he’s writing the world’s most boring textbook. And, just to confirm that Sylar is totally alive, Mohinder says, “But we all know that he’s dead now.”

Roly-Poly brings up Molly and the Walker System, explaining that he knows Molly is living with Mohinder and Parkman. It’s so “Jennifer Has Two Daddies.” He offers to help with resources, to fund Mohinder’s research on the plague and the virus. Mohinder laughs because only the trifecta of Steve Jobs, Warren Buffet and Rupert Murdoch could possibly have enough money to do the impossible. Throw in Richard Branson and Bill Gates for good measure, too.

Roly-Poly is amused. “Trust me, that won’t be a problem. Let’s just say we have our own private Fort Knox,” as he transforms a metal (or sterling silver, you never know) spoon into gold. From now on, Roly-Poly will be known as Fat Midas.

The golden spoon found in Lindsay “not my pants!” Lohan’s pocket.

“So, can we count you in?” asks Midas. “Sign me up!” chirps Mohinder.

San Cristobal, Honduras

We’re introduced to our newest heroes, “Maya y Alejandro”, who are being chased down a dirt road by La Policia.

Running from the law is a bitch. However, it’s time for the obligatory fence jump, and I’m surprised there aren’t any shards of glass or barbed wire to prevent them from doing so. Never mind, now they’re smashing in a window, and breaking in through a door. “We’ve got to keep going,” pants Alejandro. “We’ve been running for 800 miles,” pleads Maya. 800 miles is a long-ass way to run. This brother and sister duo should get sponsored by Nike.

“If we get caught, people could die.”

“They’ll die if we don’t run.”

More panting, tortured looking faces, weary eyes. This segment is like a watered down telenovela, and I’m just not buying it. I’d rather replace their scenes with performances by the guitar duo Rodrigo y Gabriela. Cut to a wanted poster in Spanish — they’re wanted for homicide. Dun dun dun.

I don’t think that wanted posters are printed on such nice paper at such high resolution in Honduras.

Costa Verde, California

(somewhere near the town of Neptune, probably)

Claire and Bennet are having a little pep talk before the first day of school begins. “The electives I wanted filled up last semester,” complains Claire. Oh, public school, cramming kids in like sardines. Not everyone can take 6th period photography, you know.

“I have one friend. I’m shark bait,” she moans. “Oh, they don’t look any different from the kids in Texas,” Bennet says reassuringly. He stops in his tracks and eats his words as an Amazonian socal hoochie mama saunters past them.

I thought everything was bigger in Texas, not California.

“Okay, except for her,” he admits. Hee. “Maybe they’re a little more sophisticated here…” Bennet goes on to warn his daughter that the Company is still out there, and that she has to take measures to not get noticed. “From now on, you have to be entirely unextraordinary.Don’t raise your hand in class, don’t even try out for cheerleading.” Sounds like an open invitation to be perfectly mediocre and not stress about getting into Stanford or Harvard. Take it, Claire! You have your whole life to live, and you’ll never really have to worry about slaving away so you can get hired by a company who can give you good health benefits, not with your regenerative powers and all.

“We may want to start by you not driving me to school…and don’t you think it might be easier on all of us if I had my own car?” wheedles Claire. Bennet can’t keep a secret for much longer, and hands over her keys as an early birthday present. OMG, it’s the brand new Nissan Rogue! It’s so new I’ve never even heard of it! Is all of Heroes happening in the future or something? Did Hiro zap everyone forward?

Barry Shabaka Henley would not drive this car.

“Oh my gosh, the Rogue?!” she gasps. For a second, I thought she said Rove, as in a cutesy new abbreviation of Range Rover (or heaven forbid, Karl Rove), the pinnacle of “My Super Sweet Sixteen” gifts. The Rogue is totally the new Versa. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through,” says a teary-eyed Bennet. Well, a car totally makes up for at least a third of all the crap, Dad! Extend the curfew a bit, and we’ll call it even. This scene is underwhelming and cheesy as an extended plug for Nissan, definitely not as good as “Company Man” last season. Claire and Bennet say their goodbyes and she skips off towards school.

…And then she nearly gets mowed over by a car, driven by the dark-haired boy who will be known as Emotard. Bennet is concerned. Well, he should be, the kid looks like a Goober.

1671, outside of Kyoto, Japan

WHOMP! Hiro bellyflops onto a grassy knoll. Doesn’t he usually land on his feet when he teleports? Must be hard on the knees. Hiro gets up and realizes he’s amongst Samurai, or possibly the equivalent of a Civil War re-enactment involving samurai.

It’s like he’s in the middle of Soul Calibur, the video game. There’s a cluster on one side of him, and a lone horseman on his other. To his left is the tree featured in “The Ring.”

It’s a Japanese red maple, if you’re wondering. Also, the film was originally a Japanese flick called “Ringu.”

“Charge!” as the warriors make their charge. But then a big fucking solar eclipse darkens the scene. Yawn, been there, done that. “Dai pinchu!” exclaims Hiro. Contrary to the @!%^ subtitles, it literally means “big pinch” in Japanese, and isn’t a swear word. More like, “Crisis! Crap!” The samurai shoot their arrows, aiming for Hiro. He squinches his face in that adorable/constipated way and stops them a few inches from his face. He pushes one away and steps aside. Phew. Hiro is like a pettable Tamagotchi you want to take home with you and feed cookies to.

He runs towards the lone horseman, who he believes is Kensei – the Heroes insignia is on his flag. “You are Takezo Kensei, my hero!” Hiro’s a total fanboy. “I must save you!” He touches Kensei and teleports them away.

New York City

Hostage situations are always fun. Matt Parkman is negotiating a crisis situation by acting sympathetic: “Look I know this sucks, the NYPD shows up like this at your door, but this is what happens when you take somebody hostage.” Hmm, not exactly the words I would’ve used, but we’ll go with it for now. Parkman busts the door open, and see two people are struggling. There’s rustling noises all around him. He shoots someone, presumably in the face. Bang, bang. Gunshots galore!

“Both of you, hands up,” he barks. He corners African-Americans, a male and a female. Both are claiming to be innocent. “I’m the hostage. Shoot her! Shoot him! No, I’m the hostage!” It’s a regular Marx brothers skit. He peeps into their minds. “Dude it’s her, shoot her!” the guy is thinking. Parkman shoots the woman, and ding! The test is over. Guess it wasn’t a real situation after all, just an exam. The boss goes over to congratulate him.

“How did you know which one to shoot?”

“Tone of voice, eye contact…”

“Well most people noticed the gun under the bad guy’s shirt.”

“Oh, that too.”

“The guys who get shot, like you do, take their worker’s comp and leave.”

“Four bullets to the chest are not gonna change that.”

“Take that off,” says the boss, referring to Parkman’s “badge on a string” necklace. “Figured that you’d rather have a real one.” And offers him a real detective’ badge. So shiny and new.

Psst, Parkman, it’s foil-wrapped chocolate.

Claire’s new high school, science class

The teacher instructs the class to light their Bunsen burners. Claire, bored, starts sticking her hand in the flame, just as Emotard shows up – did he get his hair cut with a Flowbee? He asks her if she has a deathwish or something.

“I’m sure it’s hot, it’s called a flame,” retorts Claire.

“Like when you stepped in front of my car? I’m West.”

“Claire.”

“You’re new, right?”

“Yeah”

“So what are you, one of them or one of the others?”

Claire is confused. I am too.

You mean, S.E. Hinton’s best-selling book about troubled youth?

“Are you a robot or an alien? Because everyone is one or the other. Robots stick with the herd, do what they’re told. Aliens, on the other hand, do their own thing.”

“I dunno, do I have to choose?

“Most people do.”

“So what are you?” she asks.

He doesn’t answer. Typical. I really hope he doesn’t use that robots v. aliens thing as a pickup line later in life, unless he wants to maintain his virginity. Class begins, and the science teacher asks the room full of robots if they know who was responsible for a work on the struggle for survival. Claire writes down “Darwin,” but doesn’t volunteer an answer. Frustrated with the achievement gap at this posh, well-funded, properly equipped high school, the teacher complains that it’s an easy answer. West notices she doesn’t answer, of course. Also, maybe this is an integrated science class, but there really aren’t any Bunsen burners in Biology classes — and this looks like a Chem lab. Darwin never came up in AP Chem when I was in school, but then again, none of the experiments we did in that class ever worked — unless you count an error rate of 400% successful. Seriously though, my teacher had to read what was supposed to happen in each experiment from the teacher’s edition since our equipment was so ghetto. And there were several incidents where she yelped, “Oh crap! I forgot to tell you about the toxic green gas! To the fume hood! To the fume hood!”

Somewhere in Honduras, or South America in general

Team Migrate (Maya y Alejandro) approach some sketchy guys in a truck/bus. Ah yes, getting smuggled across the border is a rite of passage around these parts. “Ten thousand lempiras, I’ll take you as far as Sonora, 600 miles from the American border,” one of the smugglers tells them. No in-drive snack? That’s a terrible deal, but the two take it, even after the men leer at Maya. “You can ride with me up front,” one of the drivers insists. “In your dreams!” she spits. “Ride with me or you don’t ride at all.” Well, why doesn’t Maya has herpes or AIDS or some highly infectious disease to deter the lecherous pawings of the guys? They duo insist on riding together in the back, and settle themselves in the back of the van full of soon-to-be illegals.

New York

Parkman picks up Molly from her school playground, who is adorable and precocious-looking in her parka and white leggings. No one over the age of 8 should wear white leggings, ever — not even before Labor Day. Unless they are a nurse from the past, and even then, that’s no excuse.

“Guess what? Max Gertman tried to kiss me today!”she squeals. Kids these days. As Parkman turns to leave with the kid, Molly’s teacher comes up and expresses concern about how Molly is falling asleep in class. She informs him that Molly’s been having nightmares. Well, duh.

“Your situation isn’t the most stable,” says the teacher, citing his injuries, his divorce, and his employment. I guess they had a lot to discuss as the parent-teacher conference recently? “All you need to know is that Molly is loved and cared for,” says Matt. And that’s when Teacher whips out Molly’s doodles of cupcakes and unicorns. Only they look like pages of menacing faces and scary eyebrows with the Heroes symbol for a nose.

Good to see you can identify recurring motifs in crayon drawings, Teacher.

“What is this?” asks Teacher, pointing to the symbol – it’s in every single picture. Perhaps if Molly had chosen a slightly cheerier color palette from her crayon box (happy shades like fuchsia), Teacher might not have been so worried. Kids like to draw a lot of the same thing, it’s certainly not as disturbing as the penis drawings that Seth in Superbad makes. NSFW, but hilarious.

New York City, by the familiar red staircase sculpture

Ando and Kaito Nakamura sit glumly together — Ando’s cleaned himself up and looks super-professional, he’s traded in his Members Only jacket for a Trench and a tie. The atmosphere is somber as they contemplate Hiro’s disappearance.

“It’s been almost four months and there’s been no sign of him,” says Ando. “For close to thirty yearsI have seen my son as a disappointment,” confides Kaito. “It was not until his quest that I saw his strength, wisdom and courage. I am meant to hand down a legacy to him. I will wait for Hiro to return. I am a man of patience.” It’s all very Zen, and just a hint of how badass George Takai is. He opens his newspaper and a photo drops out of it. It’s a picture that’s been torn in half, of his face with a red heroes symbol scrawled over it. “It can’t be,” he says. “Where did you get this newspaper?”

“From your office,” says Ando. Maybe it was planted as a desperate last ditch effort by the New York Times to get people to subscribe to their NY TIMES SELECT online version (which failed, no one wanted to actually pay for current articles, so they got rid of it — huzzah). Kaito looks disturbed, and explains that it means in 24 hours, he’ll be dead.

Peter’s old apartment in New York

Mama Petrelli gazes at a framed picture of her two sons, as a super-bearded Nathan comes in carrying a brown paper package. He looks like a lumberjack. An alcoholic lumberjack. “Stop touching his stuff!” he yells. Nathan stumbles, and we realize he’s already had a little too much to drink this morning. But with a little cleaning up, he could be the new face of Bounty paper towels.

She got bangs, he grew a beard.

They tussle over the photo, and of course it falls and the glass shatters. “You killed your brother, drove Heidi away, drove your kids away,” yells Angela. D’ya think Heidi can still walk, or does that only work if Linderman is still alive? “To think I almost listened to you,” replies Nathan.”You’re evil, Ma.” Oh snap. Nathan orders his mom to leave, and she does in a huff. Angela closes the door and sees her photo pinned to the wall across from her, with the same red Heroes mark that Kaito’s had. I hope she dies first.

Back in the American forest that we are supposed to believe is outside Kyoto

“Yatta!” Hiro cries.

“They were about to put holes in you,” says Hiro. Aw. Kensei is obviously disturbed, and runs off — whaaa? Was that not Kensei? “But if you’re not Takezi Kensei…who are you?”

“You made him run away, what did you do?” asks a masked stranger who comes up to Hiro. What the hell? “What are you? Some sort of monk? You dress strangely.” It dawns on Hiro that this is the “real” Kensei, and he grins. Looks like Kensei hires someone to dress up like him as a decoy while he picks off the enemies from a tree or something.

“I’m your biggest fan,” says Hiro. “I stole your sword!”

Kensei removes his low-budget mask. Hiro puts on his glasses and realizes Kensei is…white. White, bleary-eyed and definitely under the influence. Oh man. So even as early as 1671, Asian men were on their way to being at the bottom of the dating totem pole (remember how Tom Cruise swooped in on the pretty lady in The Last Samurai?). Foreigners in Japan are definitely found attractive/intriguing by the natives. Skipping ahead to the rest of the scene (which undoubtedly was cut and shoved 15 minutes later in the episode), Hiro comes to terms with his disappointment.

“I don’t understand. The legendary samurai master my father read me tales of is… a gaijin?” (foreigner, outsider)

“I have to pee,” replies Kensei. Lay off the sake, Kensei.

“Are you sure you’re Takenzo Kensei?” asks Hiro, hopefully.

“Yeah, it means ‘sword saint.’ I thought of it when I came from England,” replies Kensei.

“You are Engreesh?” cries Hiro. He’s like an 8-year-old who stumbles upon Mickey Mouse smoking with his head mask off. Kensei finishes up, thrilled to have someone to speak English to, and clasps Hiro on the shoulders. Ew. There wasn’t any Purell hand sanitizer around back then.

Turns out Kensei rode along on a ship, which left with a shipment of tea awhile back. Now, he only likes to fight as a mercenary, for honor he can spend. “This can’t be! I come from the future, many years from now. Your noble deeds become part of our history. It is true, I know what happens to you.”

Apparently Kensei kills a black bear, falls in love with the swordsmith’s daughter and saves the village of Otsu. Speaking of which,”do you smell smoke?”

They’re making s’mores in Otsu!

Hiro wanders among the villagers and finds out bandits took everything, with no one to assist them. Strangely enough, no one finds his clothes to be out of place/time.”Oh no, I broke history,” moans Hiro. “The future may not exist as I know it! Great-o Scott-o.”

“Don’t fret, my strange little friend,” says Kensei, as he takes a big swig from his Sake canteen.

“You’re supposed to be a hero!” says Hiro. “Being a hero is a waste of time,” says Kensei. Hiro tries to persuade Kensei otherwise, telling him that he will be rewarded with more gold than he’ll know what to do with, and lots of sex, err, love from the swordsmith’s daughter. Speaking of that daughter…a strong slap sends Kensei’s face sideways now. It’s her, the future “princess”. What is with with white guys and Japanese girls? Apparently it was trendy way before Rivers Cuomo wrote “El Scorcho.” I’m not Japanese, but I still felt like a cliche standing next to some of my more Aryan-looking boyfriends.

Goddamn you half, err, full Japanese girls…

Yikes. So Kensei swore to defend the village in battle, and didn’t hold up his end of the bargain. She takes Hiro’s/Kensei’s sword back, saying it was forged by her father and given to Kensei as payment, and walks off with it. Hiro runs after her, as she plans to rescue her father herself. “Wait, don’t leave!” as he runs after Kensei. “You have to rescue the swordsmith and make her fall in love with you. You have to fight blackbear!”

Fed up, Kensei punches Hiro in the face (who hasn’t? seriously) and Hiro’s flat on the ground. “The only thing I have to do,” declares Kensei, “is find me a drink.” What a douche. Then Hiro gets resuscitated by a goat.

Way cuter than an Anne Geddes photo.

Copy Kingdom, California

The bizarro world version of FedEx/Kinko’s + Office Space, Bennet’s new place of employment is a far cry from his fake paper company. And his new boss is already griping at him for being late. The boss, who serves as the manager, has a reedy mustache that screams “pedophile” but he appears to just be a prick drunk on power.

Bennet punches in an archaic-looking time card as the manager continues to criticize:”And if I wasn’t here, watching your every move, I think it’s about time I saw some commitment to excellence from you. The paper business is dog eat dog. You’ve got to live it, breathe it, do you want it? Do you want it, Butler? Do you?!” The guy is worse than Lumbergh.

A bit later..

“Still on your break?” snaps the manager. “There’s a whole line of customers out there,” he barks. Um, there’s one guy waiting and he has a ponytail.

“Just finishing my coffee,” replies Bennet calmly.

“Uh, no, you’re finished.”

“A few more sips, that all.”

“You look at me when I talk to you.

And that’s when Bennet can’t take it any longer. He grabs the manager’s finger and awesomely flips him on his back onto the table. “I will work how and when I feel like it, and you will not say a damn word to me ever again. Do you understand? Are we square on that?”

He just got owned in the most one-sided game of Thumb War.

The manager is freaking out, and he has a big scar across his forehead (but probably not one left by Sylar). He just got owned in the most one-sided game of Thumb War ever. Only it was like, an index finger.

Parkman and Mohinder’s apartment

Pizza for dinner! I like the way Parkman thinks. “Shouldn’t I be eating vegetables once in awhile?” asks Molly. “That’s why I got you a vegetable pizza, smarty pants” says Parkman. “Plus your favorite Rocky Road for dessert.” Makes sense to me. “I miss Mohinder, he cooks,” she whines. What a weird kid, no one else would complain about pizza and ice cream. She’s definitely ill.

As their chat about their days, she asks him about his new badge, and if he cheated on his exam by reading minds. “It’s my power,” he retorts. “You wouldn’t think a baseball player is cheating because he’s athletic, would you?” she throws back. Well, not unless he’s Barry Bonds. Matt brings up Molly’s drawings at school, and Molly gets scary, screaming, “I said I didn’t want to talk about it!” and finishes Early-onset adolescence?

Later that night, Parkman rushes over to Molly as she has one of her vivid nightmares. He starts to read her thoughts, as she yells “Help me! Don’t hurt me!” in her head. The voice of Molly’s boogey man invades, intoning “I can see you.” Molly startles awake with a yelp. “He can see me!” Parkman asks Molly to tell him where the boogeyman is, but she insists it’s too dangerous, that if she tells him where he is, he’ll kill Parkman too. Maybe a little bit of therapy could help, or at least some Occlumency lessons from Snape, to keep the boogeyman out of Molly’s head.

Immigration Party Bus

Maya and Alejandro sit by each other as Maya gushes over how great Mohinder’s dad’s book is. “Activando a Evolucion” is the Spanish version, so apparently he sold enough copies to go international — according to how many copies we’ve seen on the show, this one should’ve been a NY Times Bestseller, or at least on Amazon. Looks like the two are planning to find Prof. Suresh once they cross the border, but they’re just a tad late.

Maya starts freaking out about how her power affects people poorly, and he promises he won’t let it happen when she’s around him. I’m guessing she sucks the life out of people or gives them herpes. The truck stops, and the drivers insist that Alejandro pay more money or offer up his sister. The deal’s off, and they punch Alejandro out, dragging Maya with them.

Some time later, Alejandro catches up to the party bus. He’s really good at running. It’s in the road, stopped, and Alejandro opens the passenger to find the drivers dead, with blood seeping out of their eyes. Bloody tears basically, because that’s what all the other dead passengers have streaming down their faces. He finds his sister slumped against the side of the car, sobbing. That’s a pretty bad power, if you end up killing all the people around you when you get emotional. Let’s hope it’s not a permanent side effect of PMS. Looks like Maya has the power of necrosis, no word on Alejandro’s power yet, though. I hear they work in tandem, did you guys hear anything different? Maya’s kind of the new Nikki/Jessica. I’m not too compelled by these two new characters at the moment.

We’re going to America!

Costa Verde gymnasium

You know, I’ve never seen a bunch of sports practicing in the same gym while people had regular P.E., but it’s always the case on tv and in movies. Claire’s playing badminton with a partner named Martha. Her partner stumbles while trying to hit the shuttlecock and the head cheerleader makes a snide comment. “Don’t listen to them,” says Claire. “I’m going to find the birdy thing.” It’s called a shuttlecock, Claire. Get it right.

Of course, it lands at West’s feet, and she goes to retrieve it and exchange some more awkwardness.

“No problem, robot.”

“So I’m a robot, now? Okay, birdie please? You don’t even know me.”

“You had the answer today, but you didn’t even say it.”

“You just have me all figured out, don’t you?”

“I know a robot when I see one.”

West must have a brain clot or something.

He really needs to lay off the robot/alien analogy. Claire trots back to hear the head cheerleader bimbo taunting her badminton partner. “C’mon Martha, it’s just a backflip off the tower. And you know the girls will catch you.” Claire protests, and of course the cheerleader dares her to do it to get Martha off the hook. Um, isn’t Martha already off the hook? Since when did Martha have to do a back tuck off the tower, since it didn’t seem like anyone was going to make her. It’s not like they were going to suffocate her with a pom-pom if she refused to. Such flawed logic.

Claire agrees, and climbs to the top of the tower. As she stands there, getting ready to flip, she remembers what her dad said earlier about not standing out. She backs down from the challenge, which is smart because, well, there aren’t any cheerleaders standing remotely to the “catch” area on the mat. Of course this results in jeers and a herd of robots applauding themselves for making the new girl look stupid.

Awhile later, Claire is still atop the tower, still in her P.E. clothes – either she skipped class on the first day, or she has gym for her last period. Taking a deep breath, she does an excellent back tuck and lands on her feet – and breaks her left leg. She winces and takes a deep breath as she snaps the bone back in place. The bruise heals immediately. West walks in just as she’s healing. “Why are you still here?”

Signs you may be in an abusive relationship.

He’s got to be stalking her, Emotard would have no other reason to go back into the gym. He had a freakin’ pencil tucked behind his ear during P.E. period, for heaven’s sake.

The Deveaux building, New York

Kaito and Ando stand on the rooftop of the Deveaux building, where Kaito examines the photograph with the heroes’ mark of death on it. The message is clear, and Kaito needs a sword. The message could be from any of “them,” meaning very powerful people who used to work with Kaito and the others before they were split up and fractured. Ando is honorable to the end, insisting on fighting on behalf of Hiro instead of heading home. He’s off to find Kaito a samurai sword!

Just then, Mama Petrelli shows up, looking super bitchy and not PETA-friendly at all in a fur coat. Like part demented Jackie O, part manbearpig. “Let me see it,” she says to Kaito, fitting his scrap together with her own half of the photo.

It’s just like two halves of a BFF heart necklace, only deadlier.

“Someone’s playing a trick,” she says.

“Charles Deveaux, Linderman, your husband – all of them, dead. Now, there are 9.”

Hm, so nine are left of their generation of heroes. Kaito goes on to say that they will suffer for the people that they have hurt and killed. “I sought redemption. By helping Hiro fulfill his destiny to save the world. How did you help your son?” he asks Mama Petrelli. She slaps in the face with resounding force, but he doesn’t even flinch. It’s badass. Kaito tells her he’s leaving for Japan tonight, and suggests she disappears as well. We all know that’s not going to happen for either of them in time.

Dinner at the Bennets

“So how was your day? Was it a good day or a bad day? Well, what sort of day was it?”

“Eighty six straight days of sunshine, you just can’t beat that,” declares Bennet. Dinner conversation is super-awkward at the new Bennet house. Mr. Muggles is looking pudgy, don’t you think? Kind of like Mr. Winkle but much, much puffier?

“Anything special happen at school?” asks Mama Bennet. Suppressing the multiple incidents that were abnormal, Claire replies,”It was like I wasn’t even there.”

Mr. Muggles is a fattyface next to me!

“Anything interesting happen at Copy Kingdom?” she asks her husband. Bennet does the same and replies,”I made a calendar, and a co-worker brought in donuts.” Lyle just sits there exchanging glances with his dad and sister.

“We’re all flourishing, except Mr. Muggles. No one knows who you are!” she coos, letting the pooch slobber wet kisses all over her. Dinner is interrupted by Bennet’s cell phone, it must be “work” – ’cause you never know when a copy emergency will strike. He goes to another room to have the conversation, revealing that he’s in cahoots with Mohinder, who tells him the Company caught up with him in Cairo. He’s “in.” Their plan to take the whole company down is falling into place, and Bennet warns Mohinder to watch his back.

Upstairs, Claire’s gotten rid of her Juicy Sidekick and now has a more grown up looking fuchsia Samsung, I think. Who could she be calling? Oh, it’s our favorite lumberjack, Nathan, who’s sitting at a dive bar getting his drink on.

“Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

Claire tells Nathan she doesn’t think she can pretend to be normal, to go back to a life without flying men and other heroes. She doesn’t know who else to talk to, and it’s clear she’s still torn up about the presumed death of Peter. In a real dick move, Nathan apologizes and says he can’t help her and looks into the mirror. So he’s still not really supportive of his biological daughter. Nathan glances up at the cracked mirror on the wall sees reflection, only his face is super-scarred by burns and rendered unrecognizable. What the hell? Then it flashes back to normal. What’s with the burn victim flashback and cracked mirror? It reeked of Niki/Jessica.

Outside Claire’s window is… Sylar. Just kidding, it’s West the Emotard. He’s clutching a copy of Camus’ “The Stranger” in one hand and J.D. Salinger’s “Catcher in the Rye” in the other while watching her. Not really, but look – he’s floating in mid-air next the tree near the house. The kid can…fly? Hover? With an indescribable look in his eyes (leading me to believe that I could buy some romantic sparks between Zach and Claire, but not between West and Claire, he’s just a bit too fruity) he summons his inner Mary Martin and takes off in a mid-air sort of rélevé position (it’s a ballet move, trust me) as though he’s Mikhail Baryshnikov interpreting “Peter Pan.” He and Nathan are definitely in the same family of powers, but West’s flying is less “full speed ahead, I’ve got to save the world!” and more “Gosh, I hope I remembered to point my toes!”

Back on the rooftop of the Deveaux building

Kaito Nakamura is indeed a very patient man. It’s nighttime, frosty, and he probably hasn’t eaten anything all day. What a trooper. Too bad, because he doesn’t have time for his last supper – a mysterious blue hooded figure approaches.

“You may recognize me as the blue hoodie guy in The Bourne Ultimatum. Bus Stop Guy, remember?”

“Ando?” Kaito calls out. I wish. “Of all them, I never expected it would be you,” he tells Blue Hoodie Guy. Apparently he can figure out who it is without seeing his face – or does the guy not even have a face? Just then, Ando shows up with a samurai sword. Seriously? Manhattan is not that big. It took you how long? Might as well have ordered one on Amazon and waited for it to be delivered. At this point, we know Kaito is doomed as he instinctively grabs his side for a sword that isn’t there.

Hearing Ando’s voice, Blue Hoodie Guy runs towards Kaito and lunges. They both topple over the ledge, to Ando’s horror. As he looks down, only Kaito’s body, blood spreading rapidly on the street, is there. Curious. Why couldn’t they have just killed off Mama Petrelli in this episode? There was no real struggle, but it makes sense that the murder should look ordinary.

Cork, Dublin, home to the band Chumbawumba (okay, not really)

We’re in a rainy shipping yard, where a bumbling band of mercenaries search for shipping crate 9109, which is supposed to contain a stash of iPods. Don’t you think iPhones might be more in demand now that you can hack them? Or at least the new, redesigned iPod nano?

Anyway, in the “tird rowah bahck” according to the not-so-Irish accent of the band’s leader, they find the crate. And nary an iPod — nope, it’s Peter Petrelli chained to the inside of the container, sans shirt, my lassies. And he’s sporting a necklace with the Heroes symbol, just like the Haitian’s. As the mercenaries inch closer, Peter freaks out and shoots electricity out of his fingers, knocking one of the guys on his back. That’s different. Oh yeah, and did I mention? Peter has amnesia, since he keeps insisting he has no idea who the hell he is. Maybe they left a case full of Guinness for him in the shipping crate. Mmm, Guinness.

Gebus, that was an epic journey in recapping. I’m feeling a bit letdown — happy that Heroes is back after summer hiatus, but not too smitten with this season opener. I say, leave Maya and Alejandro in Honduras — I bet she’s the source of the virus, anyway. What do you think? Previews for next week include Sylar sipping Mai tais with an unidentified brunette in what looks like Cabo. Or Tahiti. Niki, D.L., and Micah are sure to be back, or at least 2/3rds of them. Will the boogey-man hero-killer be enough to keep Heroes rolling? Maybe if Christopher Walken shows up. So let’s drink till next week’s episode rolls around. It is my birthday on Thursday, after all. I’ll leave you with a parting gift:

Now just imagine with a haircut. In a crate. That’s kinda how he looks now.