Heroes: Who did Emotard Blow To Get On This Show?

You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do, Tim Kring.

Previously on Heroes, we learned some calculus: 12 Heroes – 4 (Kaito, Deveaux, Linderman, and Papa Petrelli) = 8 – 1 Killer Hero = 7 left. Mama Petrelli brawled with Edward Scissorhands, Parkman talked to Molly about how there really is a boogeyman, Sylar gave Michelle/Candice a serious migraine, the Hondurans jumped into Claire’s stolen Rogue with some klepto who probably dies in this episode, Niki makes foster care look appealing as she dumps Micah in post-Katrina New Orleans, Claire and Emotard commit incest (they’ve got to be related) while gaining membership to the Twinkle Toes Mile High Club, and Bennet sees his future death in a really high res jpeg. There’s no way Mohinder’s camera phone is that good, unless he picked it up in Japan. Maybe it was a gift from future Hiro.

This week’s episode is titled “The Kindness of Strangers.” Strangers may or may not have candy as they coax you into their sketchy van. Casa de Bennet

You know you’re a housewife who desperately needs new hobbies when your powerwalking partner is a Pomeranian named Mr. Muggles. Bennet pretends to be concerned about his daughter (and not the imminent destruction of his horn-rimmed glasses) as he asks his wife if Claire’s met a guy or something. It’s all very PSA, “The More You know” meets “Reefer Madness.” When in doubt, blame sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll.

On cue, Claire comes down the staircase more orange than an oompa-loompa. Or an Oompa-Prompa, for that matter. Oompa-Prompas are seasonal douchebags that come out mainly for school dances and formals from the sunnier months of April to June, and live to get in the pants of your daughters and little sisters. For the millionth time, Papa Bennet reminds Claire that any outside threat to her virginity is a threat to the family. Well…can’t she just regenerate her hymen?

The expression many teenage boys see on their partner’s faces that first time.

Claire is the unfortunate shade of a Cheeto puff — maybe she scored a closet-sized Mystic Tan booth in exchange for agreeing to be a nobody at school. She’s so orange, she’s practically an Oompa-Loompa, which is marginally better than an Oompa-Prompa, the seasonal variety of douchebag that comes out sporting pastel suits only between the months of April and June. Mama and Papa Bennet want to meet the boy they suspect she’s seeing, but Claire tells ‘em there’s no boy. Call her a terrible liar/actress/enunciator, but she always seems to delude them into thinking she’s telling the truth. Remember that “aquarium” trip to research manatees?

New York

Molly wakes up from yet another nightmare, screaming like a banshee. “It just keeps on happening,” she sobs to Parkman, who rushes in to soothe her. Her artwork has not improved at all, it wouldn’t kill her to try some pretty pastel Impressionistic interpretations of the scary eye with the symbol. She’s gonna have more PTSD than a Vietnam Vet.

We should consult someone about this bed-wetting issue.

Parkman and Mohinder have a quick parent meeting in the doorway about how to deal with Molly’s situation. Parkman can’t get into her head to read her thoughts; for some reason, something throws him back. Well, it does appear that the boogeyman can trap Molly inside her mind whenever she has nightmares or she tries to envision him. The two dads don’t know what to do, because they can’t afford to get her therapy. At least she doesn’t need rehab (for now). Mohinder sings Molly some Indian lullabies to lull her back to sleep and whatever he’s crooning, it’s not “Papa’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.”

Lumberjack Nathan is in DC, creeping around his kids’ school gate. The two little boys rush up and don’t seem to have abandonment issues yet, since they’re pretty happy to see their dad. Nathan apologizes for being such a fuck-up but tells them he’s definitely not as bad as O.J. Simpson. He tells them Granny Petrelli is in the hospital (but not about her knife fight) and asks them to tell their mom not to hate him forever.

The Petite Petrellis don’t like the Unabomber beard because it reminds them of creepy pedophiles and Grandma’s fur coats, and geuinely seem to miss their father. However, they’re scooted away by the man-hating teacher on playground duty.

I love when we pretend you’re visiting me in jail. I can hide a nail file in my beard.

Meanwhile, Mama Petrelli lies in a hospital bed in New York, confessing to Kaito’s murder (for sex and money, it should be noted). However,Parkman realizes she’s lying because he can read her mind. She doesn’t want the rest of the heroes to be detected and hunted down by the public. Fair enough. Parkman should use his power to get laid, he looks rather stressed out. Also, they declare that her wounds were self-inflicted, and write it off as an attempted suicide. I tell you, it was Edward Scissorhands!

A beardless Nathan arrives, confronting Parkman about coercing a false confession out of Mama Petrelli. Nathan doubts his mother committed the crime, and Parkman cops to knowing she’s innocent. He also tells freshly-shaven Nathan that he knows he can fly, but tells him he can’t seriously tell anyone else.

“When I close my eyes like this, you look skinnier, Parkman.”

Mama Petrelli believes she’s protecting someone, but Parkman is sure this is related to Molly’s nightmares, showing Nathan the Kaito+Petrelli BFF picture scraps. He blathers on about how he knows it’s all connected, but Nathan immediately recognizes the Heroes symbol. He agrees to help Parkman in exchange for some private time with his Ma. Just fly her out of there, dumbass.

Nathan confronts Mama Petrelli about her confession, and she throws it back in his face that she doesn’t deserve to be saved. No plug for Catholicism? We still don’t have a clue about what her powers are, either, unless it’s Machiavellian sensibilities and channeling Jackie O/Manbearpig in her outfits. She also points out that shaving isn’t the equivalent of attending AA meetings, warning him not to let his kids hate him. Well, they are still young and impressionable, so he’s got plenty of time to fuck them up.

Someone went a little overboard with the nip/tuck.

Later, in Peter’s old place, Parkman and Nathan try to work out the mystery of the BFF photograph. Nathan recalls that there were about 10-12 people in the photo, including Linderman, Deveaux, Mama Petrelli and Kaito – and probably the rest of the 8 remaining original heroes. How convenient, a reunion photo featuring all of them. That’s what Heroes Conventions are for. From the camera’s perspective, it looks like someone’s peeping in on Nathan and Parkman – perhaps it’s the Invisible guy? I can’t shake the feeling that it might be Michael Myers.

Looking over Petrelli family photos, Parkman asks Nathan about his sons. Nathan’s not ready to have a heart-to-heart, but Parkman is having a Dr. Phil/Oprah-induced moment of grieving. “If you want to unload, go ahead,” says a stoic Nathan. Parkman proceeds to take a giant dump in the middle of the living room, err, wax on about his broken family while Nathan digs through a box of junk, pulling up a big photograph of senior citizens. Among them are Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, and possibly Shaft. Oh, and Bob! Stephen Tobolowski has come a long way from voicing an animated calculator in the blockbuster film “The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars.”

…and that’s the guy who sucks at taking photographs.

On the right is a plump balding fellow who Parkman instantly recognizes as the father who abandoned him. Finally, we’re getting somewhere. How are none of these Heroes addicted to anti-depressants?

Parkman comes home to Mohinder and Molly, determined to find his father. Molly is shocked he doesn’t know where his dad is, but Parkman was only a kid when his dad gave him 120 bucks before fleeing from embezzlement charges. Hey, 120 bucks is a lot better than a couple of greasy KFC coupons. Whipping out the group reunion photo, Parkman asks Molly to find his father. She freaks out, backing away like it was a can full of cooties. “He’s the man in my dreams! He’s the nightmare man!” she screams. Nope, didn’t see that one coming. I also had no idea Hurricane Katrina victims replayed the scenes of the disaster in their minds like a low-budget UNICEF commercial, but if they’re anything like Monica, they do.

I smell a potential red herring. “Nightmare man” is totally diferent from “boogeyman,” at least to an elementary schooler.

Alone in the apartment across town, Nathan starts working on a scrapbook dedicated to the memory of Peter, but pauses to look up at the mirror. He sees his face totally disfigured again, like at the dive bar a few episodes back, and smashes the mirror out of contempt/grief/sexual frustration. What’s the deal?

Somewhere in “Mexico”, a.k.a. Riverside/Corona

For twins with corresponding powers, Alejandro got the short end of the stick. Not only does he have to undo all the damage that PMS-ing Maya does, he can’t even speak English. Did they not have time to pick up some language tapes? Turns out GTA slacker dude, whose name is irrelevant, isn’t even from California, he’s from New Jersey.

The twins want to go to New York to hunt down Dr. Suresh, but all three are on the lam and two of them are definitely not U.S. citizens. I assumed that Claire’s car is brand-new, but apparently the air-conditioning is busted – these kids look super-sweaty and shiny. Jersey Boy slams on the breaks because he doesn’t want to hit any immigrants running across the border, but it turns out that the roadblock is just Sylar, passed out and facedown in the middle of the dirt road from too much tequila. Who passes out during the Walk of Shame? Well, Zachary Quinto, you’ve looked better — though I’m not sure you want to remind people you were in an episode of “Lizzie McGuire.”

On the road, Maya is mopping up Sylar with her hankie, asking him where he’s from. Allegedly, he walked three days in the desert – yeah, well some devout Christian claims that Jesus walked 21,525 miles in his lifetime by the time he was 33 (here are the calculations , so Sylar, you’re kinda a pussy.

What a coinkydink, he’s trying to get to New York too! And he’s also read “Activating Evolution” — in Spanish! Sylar grasps that the duo has powers, and reassures Maya he will help them with their problem. Alejandro realizes his sister is an overly-trusting retard but can’t do anything about it. Sylar tells them his real name, Gabriel Gray – is it because he feels broken like his watch? ¡Ay, dios mío!

They stop for gas/drugs and grab a newspaper, which features who else but the twins on the front page. Jersey Boy freaks out and Sylar pretends to be sympathetic, telling Jersey to go inside to call the police. Nice knowing you, Jersey, Sylar’s totally going to crack your skull open with the brick that was oh-so-conveniently keeping the papers from flying away. La cucaracha, Sylar’s calling card, appears near Jersey’s dead body.

“So you’re saying you’re not into threesomes?”

Sylar gets in the car, asking Maya and Alejandro about their identity. He leverages Derek’s phone call to the cops and Maya shits herself so hard her eyes turn black, cause Sylar to start dying. Finish the job, crybaby! Alejandro absorbs her devil chakra and revives Sylar, who knows he’s hit the jackpot since both of them have powers. He mentally eliminates Alejandro in his head — Maya’s like a walking Chernobyl, and who wouldn’t want that at their disposal?

N’awlins

Micah is awoken by something that looks like water torture techniques employed by the CIA. Nope, it’s just his jerkface cousin, who’s decided to recreate the wet sensation of Hurricane Katrina on Micah’s face by pouring a cup of water on his head.

Ya know somethin’ Rudy? You’re like school in summertime.

“Wake up, foo’!” cries the cousin, who looks like the love child of Kenan and Kel, circa “Good Burger.” Micah and cousin Damon head to the kitchen for breakfast, where Grandma (who still looks like Halle Barry portraying a geriatric Storm from X-Men) is watching a cooking program that is definitely not 30 Minute Meals with Rachel Ray.

Apparently you can pay 65 bucks to see grown men wrestle in undewear on TV or go to Bourbon Street and see it for free. The Dawsons sure are a classy bunch — Nana Dawson/Senior Citizen Storm learns how to cut tomato roses from TV while her sassy grandson hustles her for Pay-Per-View money. What that child needs is a slap upside the head and a spot on the next season of “Shaq’s Big Challenge.”

Monica, the responsible bread-winning cousin of the family, works at a western-themed restaurant. She gushes about how she aced the management training program test, and how it’s her ticket to the future. Because nothing says “marketable skills” like assembling burgers. Micah looks amused by the hellhole he’s been dropped into, and offers to get his bratty cousin some Pay Per View.

You’re really tugging at my heartstrings.

At Burger Bonanza (what, Burger King didn’t want to endorse their role in assisting Katrina victims with rebuilding their lives?), Monica belts “I Will Survive.” She manages to sing both flat and sharp at the same time. Amazing. Hey, Heroes writers — why didn’t you just make her sing “Wade in the Water”? We all know that’s what you thought of first before you switched to a predictable runner-up song.

Her coworker, Camille, looks like a grown-up, white trash version of Harriet, the annoying redhead neighbor on “Small Wonder.” Casting can’t seem to hire anyone who can fake a decent accent. When she first hears that Monica’s taken the test, she immediately says, “Oh my gosh, you’re pregnant?” Way to be racially sensitive, writers. She’s the least supportive friend in the world and probably the token white in the New Orleans scenes. As they start to disagree over the management program, they look down in wonder to see Monica’s perfectly carved tomato rose. Good luck putting that in a burger (Martha Stewart would be proud, though).

Monica’s bolero tie-wearing boss takes her aside to tell her she’s not a good fit for the program, even though she did fine on the test. He cites her family situation as the reason, which is just retarded, since – in this hackneyed writer’s imagined construction of Post-Katrina New Orleans, who wasn’t affected negatively by this disaster? (Besides the Vietnamese immigrants who rebuilt in under a year, because they’re used to that kind of rain and water in Saigon.) I thought it was George Bush who was supposed to keep black people down, not other African-Americans. Kanye West is the nation’s foremost expert on social stratification, after all. Half the town is living in trailers, according to this show!

So that’s where Carl Winslow from Family Matters went.

At home, Micah twiddles a little bit with the dials for show, but gets the fight to show up. Luchadores! Monica comes home with a bag of artery cloggers and cups of diabetes for the family, and is shocked to see the fight on TV. Jerkface Kenan/Kel cousin says Micah’s a genius with the TV, and Micah apologizes meekly. He goes over to hug her and it’s pretty adorable, compared to the Claire + Emotard makeout sessions. Micah lays a hand on her back and squinches up his face to signal thought processes – can he fix her like an ATM machine? Are we all robots that can be rewired?

Monica rejoins the family, and watches a wrestler knock out his opponent – let’s call the move “Rock You Like A Hurricane.” Her eyes seem to be absorbing/recording the segment she just watched. Considering she unconsciously carved a tomato rose earlier today after seeing it on a cooking show, this power’s pretty obvious. She’s almost as bad as Niki.

Later that evening, Monica’s closing up Burger Bonanza with the boss, when a hungry thug comes to the front door asking for food. The thug rifles through the burger joint to the sounds of a helicopter. Sigh. Naturally, she replicates the wrestler move that she learned on TV and knocks him out, through a sheet of glass, to the astonishment of the boss. Looks like management training might not be out of the question after all.

But I’ve also seen this move at the Spearmint Rhino.

Costa Verde High, formerly known as Neptune High

A cheerleader that’s not Debbie encourages Claire to try out for cheerleading. Girl looks like a poor man’s Kristin Kreuk. Offering Claire a release form for tryouts, she says that Claire has cojones for socking it to Debbie the Head Ho. “Half of being a cheerleader is having guts, and you’ve got those in spades.” What sixteen year old talks like that? Seriously. More like, “That was awesome, taking down that snotty beeyotch! Soooooo cool!”

Claire? You’re barely 5 feet tall, pedal pushers just make you look stumpy. Stay away from the capris. Tim Kring, if you’re going to saddle us with a filler episode so soon in the new season, at least make sure your writing and character development is better than that of “Lost”.

Emotard shows up two seconds later in a plaid flannel shirt and looks even more awkward and gangly than usual, if that’s even possible. He’s thrilled that he almost got to second base with a girl who can regenerate her pinky toe, and gushes on about how he feels like he can finally be himself when Claire breaks the news to that they can’t hang out anymore. For one thing, she comes up to his nipples and that causes a lot of neck strain.

“Is it because we flew together? It’s the mark on my neck, right? You think I was abducted by aliens? I told you it was a guy with horn-rimmed glasses.”
“It’s my dad,” says Claire, in a surprisingly good turn of dialogue. “…he’s just really overprotective.” Emotard fails to make the connection because he only has two brain cells left, one that controls his bowel movements and the other that helps him distinguish up from down when he flies.

Emotard is pissed, pulling out the angsty Seth Cohen card. He offers to stay away from her the next day if she goes out with him tonight. Claire, acting like a real teenage girl for once, can’t say no.

Back at home, Claire lies about taking a trip to the library but forgets that her car was recently stolen. Bennet offers her a ride, but she says she’s going to walk. Right. Who goes to the library without a backpack or a writing utensil? What teenage girl leaves the house without a purse full of bubblegum and tampons? At least be consistent, Kring, with your stereotyping. Everyone know that girl pockets are not big enough for lipgloss, let alone a phone.

Claire sets out with Bennet tailing her, undoing her ponytail not ten feet from the house. However, Emotard must be fast, because Bennet gets to the spot where she was standing two seconds later, but Claire’s gone. He turns as we see Twinkle Toes whisk his Indestructible Princess away…

Pay no attention to the bum jerking off down there.

to top of the Hollywood sign, where she reminisces about the olden days when she threw herself off the gravel tower for kicks and how she can never trust anyone again. Emotard takes this opportunity to tell her that he feels the same way, but she should start trying to trust him, by flinging herself off the top of the sign and smashing into a million little pieces. While he sits there and times her. She agrees to this trust fall bullshit and leaps. Of course Emotard catches her before she goes splat, and they kiss until they get chapped lips. While spinning in mid-air. It’s gross. At least he saves a lot of money on gas – he’s certainly minimized his carbon footprint.

This is exactly what we did at leadership camp.

I can’t wrap my mind around how he’s dressed warmly in a hoodie and Claire didn’t even bring a jacket. (I live in LA, and I get cold easily.)

Arriving home, Claire discovers that Bennet has been waiting up for her the entire time. I think he’s eating Baskin Robbins ice cream, because he’s got a pink spoon. Or maybe that’s a subtle shoutout to October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but I doubt it. Called out by Emotard for having implausible excuses, she fibs that she tried out for the cheerleading squad and was out celebrating with her fellow pom-poms. She produces the liability release form from her pocket — it’s a Christmas miracle! Bennet appears to buy it, even though his daughter reeks of sex.

Windchimes hung from the house can only mean one thing – The Haitian is here. Bennet meets him outside, and The Haitian says they have to go to Odessa, Ukraine. To find Oksana Baiul and some extra partners for Dancing With the Stars?
Perhaps.

My Two Dads’ apartment, Brooklyn

Mommy Mohinder and Daddy Parkman disagree on what to do next, Parkman insists on finding his father, since he believes he’s related to all the hero-killings. Mohinder mentions that he works for Bob, and that he can set up a meeting for Parkman with him. I don’t think so. They start arguing about their abandonment and daddy issues, prompting Molly to say she’ll look for the nightmare man. Dr. Phil busts through the door and intervenes before this very bad plan can be implemented.

It can’t be that hard to find this porker without a chin.

Unfortunately, Dr. Phil couldn’t find the right apartment, so Molly starts focusing on Parkman’s dad. Her pushpin hovers over a building in Philly. Parkman urges her to zoom in further. She mentally enters the building, nightmare man is on the third floor, and starts panicking. Not satisfied, Parkman asks her to get the door number – 9, but it’s too late, the boogeyman manages to trap her in her nightmare. Molly screams mentally for Parkman to help her, and goes into shock, passing out. I suppose it’s better than a seizure.

The best part of this week’s episode? Besides the non-appearance of Niki, the Irish Spring Gang, and the Fake Feudal Forest? The previews for next Monday, which indicate that the fabulous Kristin Bell is coming to town! I sure hope she steals Peter away from that silly Guinness Girl.