Heroes: Let’s Just Make Some Shit Up

This week on Heroes,

Previously: Peter sent Parkman to the African jungle, or as we called it in my house, fat camp….

Picture of me when I was fifteen waking up at Camp Stoney for the first time.

…Mama Petrelli won a burping contest…

Dang! How many wings did you eat before this shoot?

…. and Papa Petrelli rendered Peter powerless. Picked a pickled pepper. Oh, Papa, there is one thing you can never take from a man, and that’s the power of severely bad acting.

Fame!

Shots of the eclipse. Hiro was standing on a hill acting all cuddly when it happened, Nikki/Jessica/Tracy was speedwalking to “I’m Every Woman”, and Peter was practicing for his non effective acting class.

I’m gonna learn how to fly,

HIGH!

Suresh’s opening today is very very deep:

“When the moon passes between the Sun and the Earth, a strange fascination takes root in the heart.

And suddenly, anything is possible.

Its power is undeniable,

Its beauty mesmerizing,

It’s lure biblical,

Its meaning unknowable.

And as quickly as it comes, it disappears, leaving us to dwell on our own significance in the face of God.”

Jesus. That’s some heavy artistic prose for a freakin eclipse. Suresh describing a boogar:

There comes a moment in time when you realize your senses have dulled.

A tiny piece of matter,

Part you,

Part air,

Part the world you live in,

Starts to grow. It nourishes itself and grows stronger

As you feel it harder to take in breath.

You can ignore it, but by will or force it will come to the surface.

When it does,

Your senses return and you breathe life into your lungs…

But little do you know, another formation that you can’t explain is already beginning…

Just pick it, roll it, blow some air on it and shove it under your seat like the rest of us, drama queen. That’s enough of that. We begin tonight where we left off last week, with Papa P sucking the powers out of a screaming Hiro after killing Enlightened Black Dude in the African Jungle. When Ando tries to stop him, Papa flings him through the air with a flick of the wrist. I have to hand it to Ando, even midair he manages to keep that same stupid look on his face.

Well done, sir. Well done.

Papa notices the eclipse painting on a rock and leaves a dumbfounded Hiro to go check it out.

America’s newest stamp.

Ando rushes to his friend, who doesn’t seem to know where he is or what’s going on. Papa P turns back to them and does the horror movie (or old tired guy) slow walk towards them. Ando tries to get Hiro to teleport them outta there, but Hiro doesn’t know what he’s talking about. He just wants waffles. Who doesn’t? “Blink! Blink! Bliiiink!” Finally, Ando grabs one of Hiro’s eyelids and pinches an eye closed. Duh. Like that’s gonna work. Hiro has to intend to use his powers. You know, dumbass, like make an effort. Wait. Never mind. It worked.

Did you hear that? It was one of the last shreds of credibility being sucked out of this show. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, TIM KRING? And this is the guy who’s blaming his massive FAIL in the ratings on people who are only watching on their computers. Riiight. Or maybe because once you were done ripping off X-Men and The 4400 you had no one else to steal from. Asswipe. How bout Big Business? Or Mr. Mom? There’s plenty of shit out there to steal from! Just don’t suck!

Ok I’m done. I actually usually love this show but there’s only so much one person can take. ANYWAYS, Ando squeezes Hiro’s eye shut and that teleports them to a bowling alley in Japan. Or China. Or downtown Milwaukee. How should I know? The Asians are everywhere, I tell you. Kidding, Asians! I love you! And your won tons! And the way you fold my laundry! And your tiny feet!

Ouch. I just cut myself.

Hiro walks around sniffing girls’ waffles like a big perv. He asks Ando how he got to be so old. I’m glad he didn’t ask me that, cuz I totally would have started crying. And then I would have kicked him. Hard. Hiro looks in a randomly placed bowling alley mirror and doesn’t understand how he got so old either. I’m assuming it’s not smoking a pack a day, living in a city with filthy air, or depression issues. Sorry I’m projecting. That’s my power. Point is, Hiro thinks he’s 10.

Oh, I get it! Every single story line for Hiro that followed season 1 sucked ass, so we’re just going to take him back to when he was adorably semi retarded and pretend like the floating cherry blossoms never happened. Smooth, Heroes. Smooth.

Thankfully, there are other story lines. Let’s get to one, shall we? The windows are being repaired in Papa P’s office. It got drafty in there, what with the Peter shaped hole in them. Sylar is staring at the workers, wondering if he should use his power of giant eyebrows to help dry the windows. Papa P teleports back just in time and reminds Sylar that he’s one of the four horsemen, not a maid. Papa tells him that he’s going to be a good father for once and teach his kid how to take powers from people without killing them. How? Why, by feeling empathy of course. HUH? So that’s how Papa P, does it, eh? He cares? Riiight. It’s the episode of inventing random shit because there’s no plan on getting through the season. Empathy? What is he Jesus Christ now? PISSED.

We have the same face right now.

Sylar says that he can’t feel empathy but Papa points out that he knows Sy saved Peter from that fall so cut the crap. He leads him into a long dark cavernous room, where Elle is chained up and seriously pissed.

This should be you, Tim Kring.

Peter is being chased by Meredith’s brother Jethro and the scary dude who gets his strength from other people’s fear, which actually isn’t that different from the drug kingpin he played in The Wire. Claire is telling Peter that she won’t leave him because it’s her turn to protect him, what with only the power of bad acting left in his arsenal. Peter wants her not to turn into the brunette megabitch with tarantula eyelashes and thinks that the way to keep her safe is to not run and I guess sit there and wait for the thugs that are currently trying to beat down the door. She tells him to run and she will take care of them. He does. All talk, that one. And why is it taking so long for the guy with super human strength to break down the door?

Finally, the thugs get in a Claire calmly taunts them and tells them that she was the defensive player of the year. In what sport? Does cheerleading have defense? WTF is going on tonight? She bolts out the window and falls and falls and falls. By the time Peter has run down the fire escape, she’s cracking her bones back together. Hot. Peter stops to stare at a giant painting of the serpent lizard thingy symbol on a wall. I’m more interested in the wall behind him.

Dude, take some time to smell the jazz hands.

They tear off down the alley and because they are on a set in LA, into a manhole. No one from New York would try to get down one of those things no matter who was chasing them. Give me freedom, give me death, but don’t send me down the homeless person/rat poop shoot. The steam coming out of those things smells like an ass facial.

Primatech lab. Papa P comes in to check on Suresh, who’s depressed about using the power granting syrum to disfigure the vet Meredith and Julia Roberts’ brother brought in. “He’s a human being, for God’s sake!” He’s also an underpaid under five actor with enough balls to wear actual makeup. Suresh refuses that shit. Spirit gum? Oh hayell no. You better invisi tape some sores on. You ain’t messing with my pretty face! You know he’s had that argument with the producers. “I’ll be evil, but I won’t be ugly.”

No matter how much the budget is cut, Suresh will keep his hairdresser or NBC will have a lawsuit on their hands.

Papa P notices the eclipse images on Suresh’s iMac (most scientific computer ever) and comments that they share an interest. No, not Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style, although they’re both very well put together. Eclipses! Suresh says that all the records show that people started noticing their powers during the eclipse. Well, not the girl in New Orleans who figured out she was a hero when Micah moved in. Wait. Details. I start going down the path and I’m just gonna bang a crack into my head from banging it on my desk. This is the episode of making shit up as we go along. My bad. Anyhoozle, Suresh has been trying to make the formula, but obviously it’s not working.

I imagine this is what Joy Behar looks like when she wakes up in the morning.

Suresh knows there’s a piece missing from the formula, and it can’t be created synthetically. The host must be a human! A blonde human! Who can tumble! Save the cheerleader, save the world. Ah, memories. Or new episodes. Whatevs. Papa P thinks that Hiro’s dad hid the catalyst and he’s gonna find him/or her godammit!

Back in the dark dungeon cage, Sylar heals quickly from Elle’s attack. She starts screaming and carrying on about him killing her father. He says that he understands why she’s angry and doesn’t mind if she gives him all she’s got. How empathetic! She unloads another angry stream of electricity on him.

Parkman and Daphne arrive at the hospital and it’s empty. Parkman calls it “a ghost town.” Then he sees a ghost. Get it?

Poor guy is stuck wearing that fucking shirt for eternity. Thankfully, houndstooth scarves never go out of fashion.

Matt runs, well walks as quickly as he can without having a lung collapse, to follow Enlightened Black Ghost, who enters Mama P’s room. She’s laying there all dead eyed and unresponsive with electrodes all over her head, which leads Matt to do the reasonable thing: shout her name. Dolt. He remembers that he has a power and tries to hear her thoughts, but all he sees is her winning the hideous burping contest. He is disturbed, as he should be. Daphne says she’s gonna get a nurse, which is kinda hilarious since they just talked about the hospital being empty. Parkman doesn’t get it. He’s too busy slapping Mama P around and telling her to wake up before Freddy comes.

Papa P is in his office twirling an invisible mustache as he looks over a file on Claire. Daphne shows up to tattle on Parkman. Delilah!! Papa assures her that his wife will be fine and if Parkman tries to help her he’ll be there to stop him. Then he pets his hairless cat and Bwahahahahaha!s at no one in particular.

Under the streets of New York, Claire and Peter are still blahblahing about how Claire won’t leave Peter alone. Finally, he tells her that she becomes a horrid brown haired bitch in the future and kills him. She insists that she would never do that and refuses to leave because he saved her life and became her hero. AW!!! The bad guys show up and she tells Peter to run so she can take them. Turns out they’re not there for Peter, they’re there for her! I don’t know how this changes her plan of “taking care of them” but she’s taken down with one push. Wuss!

In the way past, Hiro was a lesbian motorcycle knight.

So I take it you didn’t invest any of your Amazing Race prize, BJ?

Hiro finally got his own plate of waffles, so now he’s sitting at a table with Ando blowing spit wads at little girls in the table next to him. You know, cuz he’s ten. Ando tells him that he’s a superhero and can teleport when he blinks. Hiro’s unimpressed with himself, but blinks anyway. Nothing happens. Then he puts some effort into it and time slows down. Ando’s face moves very very slowly but he blinks rapidly. Oh, Ando. Hiro sees a spit wad coming in slow motion and avoids it. He’s mildly impressed with himself now. Me, less so.

On the third try, he completely stops time. Now he can do some wacky things to mess with people! He turns the girl with a straw loaded with spit balls so they’ll hit her friend, he drags a guy out of the bathroom mid pee and aims him at a baby in a highchair, and then he sits an old woman down in front of a bowling ball that’s about to release. Sure enough, when he starts time again, a little girl gets a spit wad to the face, a baby starts drowning in confused peepee and there are old lady brains all over lane 6.

Well, at least we’re on the same page.

Back at Shady Pines, Parkman is realizing that Angela won’t be tickled awake. He decides to go into her head and tells Daphne to protect him while he’s under. You know that brain is full of Michael Buble CDs and racks of Sarah Palin suits. When Matt’s eyes go blank, Daph cuts off all his hair.

In the dark cavernous cell, Elle is still electrocuting Sylar. He gets up and tells her that he never wanted to kill all those people. He’s not gonna let his addiction to brains bring him down anymore. He understands her anger and her betrayal. Take it out on him! She does. She gives it everything she’s got, and this time his shirt is conveniently obliterated. That was some tough cotton. She’s electrocuted him like five times. She’s all out of energy, and he’s almost out of clothes, so she calls time out and begs him to make out with kill her. Dear Elle, Men don’t change. Love, Flipit.

Tracy and Nathan are standing outside of Pinehurst. We know, because there’s a giant slab that says Pinehurst. Tracy suggests that Nathan might not wanna meet his dad, seeing as how he pretended to be dead. In other words, Papi done broke up with you girl. Read some Chopra and move on. He won’t hear of it. He spent his whole life trying to please that old bastard and he’s gonna have his say!

Papa is waiting for them, and he wants a hug. Tracy starts taking off her belt and he’s like “no, ho. That wasn’t code. Get out.” She doesn’t even blush as she leaves the office for the boys to have some bonding time. Nathan accuses his father of trying to end the world, and Papa says that he’s trying to get the formula right to save the world. What’s the point of being rich with no stores? He says that Nathan’s past couple of weeks (the assasination, Linderman, the flashback to Rena Sofer, the game of Tetris he won on his phone, the pod people, the lowest ratings ever) are all part of his destiny. Nathan wants no part of his dirty games, so Papa pulls out the “You’ve always been my favorite” song and dance and Peter starts the whole “then why am I empty inside and bloated on the outside?” Sorry, projecting again. I need to learn to control my powers…

Like Sylar, who has just gone from being a sociopathic serial killer to a shirtless emo prince in like three episodes.

I’ll dry your tears after my last pushup, my love. It’s called dedication. Now. Tell me how you feel and then we’re off to catch The Magic Flute after a romantic dinner at Red Lobster.

Elle is still begging to be killed so her pain will stop, but Sylar says that he’s not going to kill her because he’s a good person now. Elle’s all no you’re a monster like me! Then Sylar explains that when your in your almost thirties, it’s important to learn that everything that’s wrong in your life is your parents fault. She tries to hurt him by telling him that she only pretended to understand him because she was following orders. He forgives her, but the important thing is to forgive herself. And with that and and a couple of deep breaths, her pain is gone and he’s got electricity flowing from his hands. Empathy or pop psych bullshit? OY. A little feel good afternoon television could have stopped the evil three seasons ago.

Watch Oprah, save the world.

Sylar cries and then starts twirling his hair and asking Elle if she knows where he can get a copy of “Twilight”. I know I’ve asked this too many times already, but what the f is this show thinking? Moving on, the thugs have Claire in their grasp when Peter shows up. He warns them that he can beat them without his powers, because he’s still got wit!! Shot of a pipe hemmoraging gas. Funny, cuz they’ve been down there a long time and no one noticed. Jethro doesn’t either. He throws blue fire and bang, the pipe shoots flames. Flames that don’t mess up anyone’s hair. Thank goodness! Peter’s been trying to grow back the Posh spice single long bang. I’d hate to see him have to start over.

In the dark dungeon of love, Sylar spouts off a bunch of super sensitive bs like “you forgave yourself, and that was the hardest part” and “we’re all at war with ourselves, that’s what it means to be human” and “that’s not a gun in my pocket, I’m just happy to see you.” Then she gets all flirty and shows him how to shoot electricity and I lose my Burger King.

EW. You owe me a Whopper, bitches!

“You’ll be a gunslinger in no time!” No she didn’t just say that. The last time they were together he was cutting open the head of the Slightly Gay Eyeliner dude that could use his fingers as guns. Is that witty love repartee or just another bump on the ride in the bus with no driver? In his office, Papa P is watching this all unfold on his monitor and rubbing ice cubes on his nips.

Hiro decides that he is ready to teleport, and Ando’s “rooftop in New York City” idea is out, even though it will help Hiro remember a season that his job didn’t suck balls. They end up in a comic book store, where Hiro sees the comic with his face on the cover. They’re still selling that in the front row of all the comic books? Man, that’s one slow industry.

As Nathan and Tracy leave Halliburton, I mean Pinehurst, Nathan tells her about his dad’s plan to give half the people in the world superpowers so they can save the world with him as President. She’s like WTF? and he’s all waaah my daddy issues are preventing me from rational thinking! She reminds him that he’s a US Senator. Oh yeah! I forgot. That’s why he’s never working. She gives him a pep talk and suggests calling the Justice Department but he says no. Last time he did that his brother came back from the future and shot him twice. How long have they been dating? That’s some pretty heavy shit to load on someone in the honeymoon phase. He flies off to find Mama P and once he’s gone Tracy marches right back into Halliburton.

Please tell me he’s not wearing a Member’s Only Jacket right now.

Tracy goes into Papa P’s office and tells her that she wants to be his pr person. He can’t be the face of the company because he can’t seem to move it very much and also because everyone thinks he’s dead. So Nathan can do it! Duh, what do you think Papa’s been trying to do? She promises that she’ll get Nathan to do whatever papa wants as long as she gets a good gig once the radiation wears off the world. She’s nice and she’s evil? Yawn.

Back at Shady Pines, Parkman’s in Mama P’s head. He comes to in the empty hallway and Mama is sitting cross legged chained to a chair. Daphne comes down the hall and says that she’s there to help him. Then she stabs him in the stomach. Thankfully, he’s been to the Golden Corral enough times in his adult life to build up quite a shield. In the hospital room, the real Daphne tries to wake him up. And OMG he’s leaking cellulite!

Please eat at McDonald’s during World Children’s Day so this kid can get to a dentist.

What’s Anne Slowey’s niece doing on Law and Order?

Back from break. Real Daphne is now in Parkman’s dream state telling him they have to run, but fake Daphne’s there too and she’s staying they should stay. Hmm. Which one should he believe? The one who’s helping him up or the one with the giant bloody knife? He can’t tell. Seriously. Papa P morphs from Daphne to his usual handsome self.

Just as doable.

He tells Parkman that the reason he even knew he was at Shady Pines was because Daphne told him. Her excuse was that she was afraid. Afraid of Papa showing up and killing him? Nice work, dumdum. She’s making about as much sense as Winona Ryder probably did when she was on that plane trying to steal gum out of sleeping passengers’ purses this week. Daphne says she knows now that Matt’s bleeding and that she was wrong and begs for another chance. Papa tries to convince Matt to tell Daph to suck it, but she drops the “I love you bomb” and Parkman buys it. As they kiss, Mama tells Papa that they used to be like that. We know. We saw it last week. Please don’t ever be like that again.

Mama tells Papa that he still loves her and he will let her go. She seems to be using some kind of power on him and repeats sternly to let her go. So Mama has the power of mind control now. Why not? Her handcuffs break and she wakes up in the hospital room. Papa goes back to his body to finish watching Elle and Sylar slobber all over each other.

As Daphne and Matt leave the hospital, in walk Peter and Claire. Matt attacks Peter and shakes his jowels at him, but then he remembers that the last time he did that he was shipped off to Africa to be force fed mystical donkey poo and lets it drop. Back at the lab, Joy Behar is in such pain that she begs Suresh to kill her. Unlike Sylar, who would try to make out with her, Suresh takes pity and administers a lethal injection.

Now just get Hasselbeck, Sheri, Whoopie and Barbara out of there and I can watch The View again.

Ando tells Hiro that the comic book is the plan for the future, but Hiro thinks it’s a trick. Even when Ando shows him pages of conversations they’ve had.

You’re hot.

You are.

Hiro starts to believe and wants to find out what happens. Ando flips to the last page, which has a pic of the eclipse on it with the caption “IT’S COMING”. The credits? Nope, sorry. Another scene with Mama P. She tells Nathan, Peter, Claire, Parkman and Daphne that she had the other half of the formula hidden but it was stolen. Papa has both pieces, but there is a third piece. A catalyst! Claire tells them about Sylar looking at her brain and telling her he’s special. Two weeks ago, before he turned into Julio Iglesias. Everyone in the room has enough manners to not sigh “YOU AGAIN? WHY GOD? WHY?”

Suresh starts blabbering his closing monologue.

“It begins with light,

And it ends with light,

But in the end, there’s darkness.”

And then I turned off my TV. It just seemed fitting.