Last week, Paula was not treated like the gift that she is and her Jewelry Rep Guy at QVC had the nerve to ask her to pay for jewelry for the entire cast and crew of American Idol. THE NERVE!
She’s still stuck in Detroit waiting to get a plane out to NY to do the Letterman Show. Will it work out, or will she miss another chance to make an ass out of herself on national TV? Only one way to find out! This is Holy Mother, Did You Really Just Say That, Paula? !
The show opens with Paula stuck in her hotel room with the girls from her staff. This is the perfect time to lay her butt down and get some sleep, as she’s really super dreadfully horribly tiiiiiirrreeedddd!!!! Instead, she’s bought beef jerkey shaped (purposely) like dog poop. The only place we’ve seen her shop is at QVC. Are they selling beef jerkey poop over at the QVC store, now? Wouldn’t put it past em. Jackie Stallone needs something to hock. what with her brilliant Papaya Cream off the market. Anyhoo, Paula has decided to put this fake poo in one of her assistant’s beds. Oh, Paula. You’re such a card. And we wonder why these people seem to go out of their way to make Paula fail.
Insert: fake poo pic
The lucky punk’d-ee is Paula’s wardrobe assistant (how many does she have? And why do they all dress her like Stevie Knicks? And how did she not have sweat pants packed for her plane ride? And why does no one know how to treat Paula like a GODDAMN GIFT?!?!) Paula sits outside the Wardrobe Ass. Girls’s door so she can hear her when she screams. Happy Secretary’s Day, sucka!
Finally, Wardrobe Ass does scream. Kiley opens their door and throws the poop out of the room. “Bitch!” LOL, atta girl, K. Paula rolls around the floor laughing. Kind of like how I do week after week when I post this picture.
Paula has been so overworked and exhausted that it felt good to get her laughing endorphins going. Good for you! Glad fuckin’ with your employees gave you a kick. Maybe you should wander the streets of Detroit til you find a freezing homeless person to throw your coffee on. Talk about a lift! It’s nice to see Paula having such a great time. Will this finally be that episode that features a happy Paula?
Not to fear! Treo’s here! Still laughing, Paula checks her phone email. Before she even gets through it, she starts chattering nonsense. “The most…hideous experience for me to go through….how horrible I am treated…” She tells us that the movie Bratz, the one she was working sooooo hard on, has just fired her ass. Woops. Get Publicist Guy on that! Oh, right. You already did.
She just doesn’t understand how she can work her ass off and these things just keep happening! I have a feeling that it has something to do with being a whiny addicted pain in the cornhole who shows up hours late or not at all. Just a guess.
Make Kiley do it for you!
She sobs, and I feel for her. Kinda. Even though I’m laughing. Her wardrobe team is in the other room giggling, which sets her off. She screams at them and we see Kiley stifle laughter, like “what happened to the Joker with the jerky poo?” That personality is dead, girls. Sorry. Get your asses back to putting together some Stevie Knicks-ware for the Letterman show and give time Paula to FEEEL!
Paula asks us, with a crinkly cry-ey face, “Where’s God when you need him?” God had a conflict on this one, hon. He was trying to save The Bratz Movie from extinction. One tacky ho doll at a time.
The next morning, Paula wakes up and swallows three bottles of scrips. Darn. Hope that doesn’t mean no more crying.
Aw, memories. It’s like it just happened yesterday!
She and her crew are still stuck in Detroit, so they go shopping for a bunch of cheezy gifts. Pretty boring so I won’t rehash it here. Paula lost an earring. WAAAHHHHH!!!
Finally, it’s time to go to NY. All she needs to do now is get Cojo and Speechwriter Guy to NY too, so they can get her ready for taping. Once they’re there, she promises us she’ll be one happy girl. “It doesn’t take much, I promise!” Just an entire Summit of worker bees, a maid to pick up at least 15 piles of poo a day, free jewelry, sweat pants for the plane, a blanket to roll around the floor on, and anything off the Panda express menu. Oh, and Cojo. Get me COJO!
Unfortunately (for her, not us), she is gently but firmly told that the boys are snowed in and their flights were cancelled. Uh-oh. Paula starts bitching at Producer Guy. She needs them and she needs them now! She doesn’t have the ABILITY to call salons! Sounds riduclous, but I don’t doubt it. I’ve seen her try to get Doritos out of a snack machine.
Paula has a new assistant who I’m betting will not be around for long. The poor girl looks sad and confused by what’s happening around her at all times, and the few times she’s narrated Paula’s shenanigans for us, she’s sounded like she’s telling a ghost story round a campfire. The show should be about this chick. She’s been on the past couple episodes (…past three. Four? Has she been there the whole time?). but I wouldn’t be able to pick her out in a lineup. Come to think of it, all of Paula’s employees (save Kiley and Cojo) blend into their surroundings. Coincidence? As they are leaving the hotel, Wardrobe Assistant wears a shirt the exact same print as the horrible hotel walls. She looks like a floating face.
If These Walls Could Talk (They’d Be Fired)
In the limo, it’s made clear that Cojo and Speech Guy are snowed in and will not be able to fly. New Girl pretends she’s going over some very important paperwork while Paula loses her shit and repeats “COJO! HAIR MAKEUP! COJO! HAIR MAKEUP!” over and over again. Kiley smiles the whole time, uncomfortable but loving it.
Paula tells us that she is annoyed with her team. She wants an airplane to fly in a snowstorm, and they should make it happen. Producer Guy gets on the horn and over the loop of “COJO! HAIR MAKEUP!” we hear him saying “Hey, yeah it’s me. I’m just calling so we can get in front of this whole weather thing.” Who is he planning on getting to change the weather? I have a feeling he’s just dialing Moviefone until Paula’s meds kick in and she passes out for the rest of the trip. No one mentions that Cojo could die if he flew in a snow storm, but that’s not really the point. Where is Paula supposed to find someone to do her hair and makeup for TV? IN A TELEVISION STUDIO?
Producer Guy repeats “Cojo! Cojo!” into the phone, hoping his boss will see that he’s making an effort. Paula zones out and rocks back and forth for minute. Scrip Trip. Wait a second. Who cares about Cojo? She’s gotta be herself in front of millions of people in a few hours! How the hell is she gonna do that without Speech Guy? Realizing she’s been fighting the wrong battle, she starts sobbing and insisting that if there’s only one seat on a plane, she’d rather have Speech Guy. It’s like Sophie’s Choice. But sadder.
“I’d rather have my hair done at JC Penny than to not have a personality!” Do they do hair at JC Penny? Wait, is that store even still around, or is that just random poor person trivia she’s using for the sake of argument? I’m offended. She cries about being vulnerable as ever and then chokes “I need help!” The first step to recovery. Touching. Limo Driver Guy pulls over to the side of the road and pumps her stomach.
By the time they get to NY, Paula has sobered up (thanks, Limo Guy!) and both Cojo and Speech Guy have made it! How in the Hell did that happen in such short time? Wow. Crying and wailing really works! I have to call and get an extension on my car payment tomorrow. I’m totally using that.
Paula is all sunshine and daffodils now, like nothing ever happened. She’s got her GBF and he’s got his tools to keep them busy for at least a couple of hours. Damn, Paula. No wonder you need Cojo. He has the artillery. She faces her back to the camera during this whole makeup segment so we can’t see what she really looks like under all that MAC. I’d just like to take a moment to thank her for that. HEART.
One rainstorm away from a total meltdown.
With Paula and Cojo off building a face mold, Speech Guy has a chance to grill Dave’s people about what he’s gonna ask her. Paula wants to deliver punchlines, not be them. HA. Good luck there. You’re invited on the show specifically so Dave can make fun of the drunk ass you’ve been publicly the past couple weeks. Who cares how you wanna look? This ain’t a MySpace profile, sista. This is Letterman!
Finally, she’s ready to go. She’s running late, but I’m sure no one’s surprised there. She decides at the last second that she wants to go home right after the show, which sends her assistants into a tizzy. How long has she been in that room? It’s completely wrecked. There are clothes and bits of face everywhere. The girls start hustling, and then horror music starts to play. Cut to New Girl about to have a nervous breakdown in private time with the camera. She’s been working so hard! She’s exhausted! She doesn’t know if she can take it!! Damn, sis. You just started and you’ve already become the monster you work for. Scary.
WAAAAAH!!!! I’m TIRRREEEEEEDDDD!!!!
Paula sits in the limo with Speech Guy, and she is worried. Apparently, there’s a sketch about her being a drug addict in the show, which is crazy since she doesn’t even know how to hold a bong (without spilling dirty resin water all over the place). Riggghhhtt. Speech Guy tells her to chill and laugh at herself to show the world that the drug rumors are just silliness. She points out that she laughed along with Jay Leno’s jokes already and they still haven’t stopped. LOL. Why can’t she do the Top Ten, so the answers are already in front of her? Uh, cuz you’d have to read. That would just make everything worse. Especially since you’re slurring and nodding your head back and forth and sniffing crazily from the bumps you just did before you jumped in the limo. Crazy Pants.
Waiting for at the Letterman Theater, besides drug jokes and public humiliation, is a little girl who is already crying just at the thought of getting to meet her idol. I think she was in that Welcome to the Dollhouse movie a few years ago, but I can’t be sure. Let’s just put it this way. She’s brought a box of Milk Bones to snack on while she waits. I’m not making that up.
Nice teeth! Those Milk Bones are gonna put dentists out of business!
Paula’s a block away now, and she’s slurring worse than ever and babbling complete nonsense. YAY!!! This is gonna be great! There’s sad clarinet music playing under her “gotta get laughs…Letterman…(sniffle eye roll)…huge. Laugh…..” as if the editors are already mourning what’s about to be. Speech Writer just looks away from her. You can see him making a mental note to go on Craigslist later to look for a new gig.
Time for a Personal Paula Moment! I consider watching someone spiral down the staircase of addiction and a most likely early death pretty personal, but ok, I’ll go with ya. Paula sits in her limo and tells Kiley that people think of her as this big celebrity, but they don’t realize that under the thirty pounds of fake face Cojo slathers on every day, she’s just a girl. That would be really deep if it wasn’t a Julia Roberts line from Notting Hill. I’d prefer “I’m not a whore, I’m a dancer!” from Showgirls, but whatevs.
Back to the show! Cameras aren’t let into the Letterman Show, which is LAME, so we don’t get to see how it went. She comes out of the theater even more dazed and confused than when she went in, and tells us in private time that “Dave had fun with me!” I’ll bet he did. If you wanna check out the appearance, click here. She does a pretty good job of not throwing up. Atta girl!
Little Awkward Cry-ie Girl sobs all over her Stevie Knicks threads and gives her her Milkbones to snack on in the car. THANK YOU! Now we won’t have to listen to “I’m huuuungggryyyy!!!” on the limo ride to the airport. The little girl tells the cameras that meeting Crazy Pants was a dream, and she’ll never forget it. Neither will we, hon. Neither will be. Arf!
Next week on Hey, Paula!:
***Late Excuse, from Flipit: I was only planning on recapping the first episode of this wreck for posterity, but after watching our tiiiired heroin whine her way through that one, I had to see the next, and then the next… After last week’s “gift that I am” debacle, I figured that’s it. There’s no way it can get better than that. I’m done. Finally, almost a week later, I turned the show on before bed and my jaw was on the floor. DAMMIT!! So here I am again. Since there are only two eps left, I’ll be here til’ the end! LOVE