Recap: Hey, Paula!: Hope You Like Your Gift, Cuz It’s Non-Refundable
By Flipit|Wednesday, July 18, 2007 | 5:00 pm | 10 Comments
Last week, Paula threatened to come after a reporter who suggested she drank, she tried to move the clouds with her garage door opener, and she spun around in a lot of circles without throwing up. Well done!!
As if sensing that our heroin was looking like she was on heroine on national TV, Bravo has changed the theme song from “Straight Up” (Do do ya love me?) to “Nice Guys Finish Last”. If that doesn’t make you “AWWWWW!” then you are a cold hearted bitch. Welcome! This is Jesus Christ, Paula!
You are never going to believe this, but Paula has a busybusybusy ass week ahead of her, and she’s changed her Private Time With the Camera blouse for the first time this season. Someone’s in recovery!! Anyhoo, tonight she’s hosting some dog charity event and then it’s off to QVC to film two shows (and hopefully rip someone a new one for making her “creations” look cheap and fake again) before she flies to NY for a spot on David Letterman. Whew! Are you tiiiiiiiiired yet? She is! And she’s so hungry she could eat a dog. Good one, P! (sad horns.)
The guy in charge of the charity event, Extreme Speech Imediment Guy, explains that In Defense of Animals is raising money tonight to help the homeless dogs and cats still wandering the streets after Hurricane Katrina. Uhhh….ok, but aren’t there things to rebuild? Like, I dunno. Schools? I love dogs and everything, but come on now. Does Spike Lee know about this?
Get the cameras. It’s doco time.
Why the hell are they spending so much time interviewing Extreme Speech Impediment Guy, anyway? Because American Idol ran way late, leaving Paula frazzled and starving to death. Even though she’s supposed to be at the event already, she’s hatched a scheme to hit up Panda Express and Starbucks on her way. Hope someone around her has some cash, cuz she ain’t payin’.
I’m sorry, what?
In lieu of food, her assistant, Cher (it doesn’t matter if you’ve won an Oscar. Bills are bills) offers her some gum. I would have thrown her out of the moving car, but Paula is too busy trying to read her speech. She is completely confused because there are no commas. Or small words. Or pictures. What is she, a mind reader? Mmmmm…..Popeyes!
Meanwhile, ESIG is at the doggy event freaking out. Paula tells Cher to tell his assistant that she’s on her way, but while Cher is on the phone, Paula yells “HOT WINGS’LL DO!” Ouch. Dogs will be dying on the streets of New Orleans because of your damn white trash food cravings. Enjoy that wing. Or not. Trooper that she is, she puts her hunger aside and gets to the event time just to tongue kiss a decidedly not homeless dog. Thanks, Paula. Now no one’s hungry.
Kiss a homeless dog like that and I’ll be impressed.
Paula gives a tiny paragraph of a speech about dogs being awesome. She can’t imagine a home without pets and she can’t imagine a pet without a home. Aw! Not only is that sweet, it’s completely coherent. WTF? She tells the crowd that it’s the first night of studio taping for American Idol and it all comes flooding back to me. There were only a couple nights of AI’s entire season that Paula was any fun (drunk off her ass) at all. Crap. Now you decide to have a reality show? I’m telling you right now, if this series has turned into Hey, Sober Sally!, I’m out of here. I already put up with that crap through 12 weeks of Idol.
Back to the show…Paula’s put in her five minutes of work and now it’s finally time to eat!! Thankfully, Extreme Speech Impediment Guy has put together a basket of goodies he thought was right up her alley. A bucket of wine with some fruit and veggies. She picks through the veggies and finds a tiny cucumber. “Simon”. LOL. I always imagined him with a huge one. Sorry, tmi. Paula is graciously not pleased, but I don’t know why she’s surprised by the display. If you had never seen this show and you were asked to put together a basket for Paula, what would you have added?
I couldn’t find a picture of fruit cake.
She tells us that she’s officially starving to death. That she says this backstage at the Katrina event is both baffling and just plain beautiful. She runs into Brian McKnight while she’s mingling and tells him he has no idea how many of the American Idol kids look up to him. He replies “Oh, I do.” EW! Hope you’re enjoying the charity circuit, dickwad.
As she makes her way to the car with a bag of popcorn, Paula has reduced her complaining to a giggling, babbling hungry hungry hungry hungry. Hungry. She must be telling the truth because she didn’t even end it with TIIIIIRRRRREEEEDDDDDDD!!!
The Never Minds
The next morning, she gets up bright and early for a Meeting of the Never Minds. Her ginormous staff is sitting around the table ready to present to her a dry erase board filled with the days to-do’s. She almost falls out of her chair when she sees it, and I don’t blame her. I love that “moves into house” is thrown in there, like it will take 15 minutes. Where did she get these people, and are any of them planning on doing any of these tasks? Good Lord, woman. Someone send Paula the number to Kelly Staffing Services. Now let’s play a game. How many of these things do you think she will actually get done? I’ve checked off my guesses in bright red.
The Rabbi will just have to wait. Paula looks like she’s about to have a nervous breakdown as The Never Minds blather on and on with to-dos. I am thankful that she’s on her way to QVC in this mental state. I don’t want to ever see a meeting there that isn’t a disaster.
And now for a special never before seen moment of Paula!! As opposed to the past ten minutes, which has been watched over and over by every American family for years. Paula tells on of her assistants that she ran into Paris’ parents and the dad loved her perfume. She told him it was Stank, and he grunted “Paris’ stinks!” Way to be supportive, dad. I can’t imagine why your daughter feels the need to get banged every which way on the internet. It all goes back to daddy.
Mr. Hiltion’s fault.
Ruh roh. Paula’s assistants have handed her a phone without any numbers programmed into it. Sobering up and realizing you’ve been carrying around a phone with no numbers can be very jarring, and she doesn’t take it well. To make it worse, they forgot to remind her to respond to an email from the Chicken Soup for the Soul guy. She was supposed to write a forward for him!! I would love to read that. “Dear Readers: Mmmmmmmm. Soup. I’m huuuuungry!”
She has like twenty assistants today, and none of them look like working bulbs. Check out these two:
Glad to see Gayken found work, but he better get on his game or he and Big Pussy are screwed.
Paula starts crying and losing her shit because no one’s taking care of her. Speaking of incompetence, where’s Publicist Guy today? I hope he’s on vacation. He could really use the rest.
This pic never gets old to me.
Four or five of her staff get her to LAX on time, but make the mistake of leaving her alone to stare into the snack machine. She finally gets a dollar from some random guy. Now all she has to do is figure out how to get the chips to fall down into the little slot. Good luck with that.
Why doesn’t this thing come with instructions?
Finally in Detroit, she has an hour to sleep before pulling a double over at QVC. Did you know that the whole Paula/QVC thing started because Paula makes jewelry for the AI kids every season? Wow! Now it’s an industry! I wonder why my Aunt Josie never did anything with the little dolls she made out of the cardboard center of toilet paper rolls. She could have been a millionaire!
We meet Paula’s Jewelry Rep Guy, who she tells us has had much success selling jewelry and adds that he’s never worked with a celebrity. Foreshadowing!
Her first round of selling goes well, then she gets an all day long break to eat (thank God, because she’s absolutely starving) and shop at the QVC store. Oh, I forgot to mention a very important piece of information. She’s exhausted. She’s beat. And she’s really, REALLY tiiiired. Someone shoot her up with some insulin, already.
She walks through the store and makes some interesting purchases.
Holy Mother of Lip Gloss, woman!
A little girl stares at her while she shops, and I can just hear her dad muttering to himself about not living in that nasty Los Angeles for a reason.
Daddy, I want that lip gloss! And high heels! And boobies! And a boyfriend! And a car! And huge clunky jewelry! And a nose ring! And a karaoke system! And a butt lift! And a prescription! And dinner! I’m staaaarving!
Paula tries to ignore the brat, but it’s pretty hard because she keeps following her around and standing right behind her. Back off, Creepy! Finally, the dad asks if they could get her autograph and picture. Paula freezes for a second like she might punch the kid in the face, but then she takes a big breath and gives the girl a picture. What a pro!
Time for round two of selling. Paula has told Jewelry Rep Guy to set aside some ginormous pieces for the AI kids, but she has a feeling that he didn’t listen to her. Everything sells out! Congrats! Let’s eat and then go take a nap! Nope, that would be waaaay too easy. Paula tells us that she is gonna ask Jewelry Rep Guy where the gifts for the contestants are, and if he has done what she’s told him, she’s gonna be “one happy Paula!” If not….
Of course, Jewelry Rep Guy totally boned it and didn’t save anything. If she wants more ginormous clunky jewelry, she’s gonna have to pay for it out of her own pocket. Those words send Paula down a spiral of depression. She cries to the cameras and talks like she’s in medical shock. Pay? Out of her pocket? She couldn’t even get a bag of Dorito’s out of the snack machine.
PAY?!? How do I even do that?
Paula cries and cries and says that once again, she made a ton of money for other people and was treated like crap. She tells Jewelry Rep Guy that he should be ashamed of himself. But she’s learned and important lesson: Things cost money. It’s a tough one, but with the grace of (Percoset) God, she’ll survive it. And then she utters my favorite line of all time, ever, on any TV show ever made:
Time to get to David Letterman! Woops, a blizzard has hit Detroit. Paula doesn’t get it. How could the snow doooo this to her? She’s a gift!!! Next week, we get to see her yell at people, get the flu, and go on TV when she’s exhausted. You know what that means….
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit