Previously on Goodness Gracious Get Ahold of Yourself, Paula!, wah wah trip wah. Tonight, Paula learns a valuable lesson. HAHAHAHAAAAAAA. No, she really doesn’t. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
We start with Paula wandering through her bedroom as Cojo buzzes around her trying to apply her eyeliner. She’s muttering nonsense as usual, but her tone is definitely different today. Instead of another “horrible!people treat me…where’s God?notneverdrunk” loop, we’re treated to a rendition of “lipgslosses! I want contacts…ilovethisbathroom!” we’ve never heard before! Impressive! Did someone get a nap?
She may be in a better mood, but she’s still busy busy busy so so so crazy busy. Don’t believe me? Just look at the poor little thing!
Hello, MovieFone? Hello? I don’t think he can hear me.
Today she has so much to do and she has to deal with her “real people” friends to boot! Yay! Paula has friends! Who don’t work for her! Aw, I’m totally squirting one out. The girls bring over bags of candy, which is what I always take over to my skinny friend’s houses. I like these girls immediately. Paula takes one look at them and tells Cojo “When I get in my new house, I’m gonna make sure the lighting’s good.” Ouch.
Paula gets a look at what she’d be without Cojo.
The girls want to go to an Oscar Event. They don’t care about the awards ceremony. They’re more interested in the gifting suite. Atta girls! You come with Blow Pops and leave with designer swag. There’s a best selling self help book in there somewhere.
On top of having to wade through oceans of free shit while being nice to the “real people friends”and learning to dial her new BlackBerry, Paula has to worry about moving, too! Since she’s getting work done on her house, she’ll be staying at a rental. She invites Cojo to check out the new space and he reminds her that she asked him to help her design it. She cutely runs out of the room without getting her mascara applied. That kooky diva! Cojo seems to think this remodeling job’s gonna be a cruise in the park, but I’m already scared for him.
Brush your tongue.
In the car ride on the way to the Gifting Suite, Paula tells her real people friends about her painful neck injury and they smile and nod like they haven’t heard any of this before. A neck injury is the worst possible kind of injury any human being could ever suffer. She’s had fourteen surgeries, and the only thing that helps is lots and lots of pills. And vodka. And sex with minors. Then her phone rings and she fights with Publicist Guy, who apparently hasn’t been fired yet. (sad horns) “You can’t put this on me! I feel like you’re blaming me! Where’s God?” Can’t tell what they’re arguing about, but it doesn’t matter. She’s working. I get it. Her friends smile politely and dream of the jewels they’re about to pocket.
While Paula wanders around the halls of the hotel the Gifting Suite is being hosted at trying to find cell service, Cojo wanders around the phat rental house with Interior Designer Lady. He’s working very hard on creating. And by working hard I mean saying “ok, I can’t wait to see what you do!” to the Interior Designer Lady. Paula finally gets through to him, and he tells her that ID Lady has to leave in forty five minutes! That’s bonkers! Paula and her friends just got to the ocean of free crap! She can’t leave now! She doesn’t say this. Instead, she pretends she loses reception, leaving Cojo standing around awkwardly with Real Estate Lady.
So…how bout that Nancy Reagan? What an inspiration, huh?
When forty five minutes are up, Cojo looks sadly out the window like a little kid trying to find his dad in the soccer stands. “I knew she wasn’t gonna come.” Awwww! Cojo! Come here and let me hug you! No, wait. Seriously. Brush your tongue.
Interior Designer Lady tells him not to worry. She’s made many a client happy, he just has to trust her. Meanwhile, Paula picks out a ginormous clunky diamond necklace and then goes into the hallway to argue “it’s his fault! Wah! I didn’t do it!” into the phone. Jesus Christ. What is she talking about? I’m way more interested in these phone conversations than the real people getting free shit and Cojo watching someone design a house storylines. Come on, Bravo! Feed the people!
No wonder your neck hurts.
The next day, Cojo tells us that he is determined to do his job well and make Paula proud. Then he holds open the door for Interior Design Lady to bring all her furniture and assistant designers in. Good job, Cojo! You deserve a raise! For the second day in a row, Paula doesn’t show. This hurts Real Estate Lady, who really wanted to meet her. Cojo looks out the window and sings “Somewhere Out There”. Rentals can really bring out the depression in people.
Paula isn’t shopping today though, she’s sitting around in yesterday’s face waiting for her “doctor” to show up with her happy shot pain medication. Rheumatoid arthritis is the medical condition of the day. Owie. I’d wanna shot too. Thank God for Penny Marshall, MD! She saunters around the bathroom and groovily keeps her Annie Hall glasses on while she explains that Paula just needs a little shot to make her “the Paula we all know and love” again. You mean this one?
Come back to the five and dime, Jimmy Dean.
Dr. Laverne warns Paula that the shot is huge, and it has to be injected super duper slowly. It’s gonna hurt like hell. Paula may scream, and she may not. She may fall down writhing in pain, or maybe not. Jesus, Penny, could ya be a little more specific? Not feeling the utmost confidence in Penny Marshall, MD, Paula tries to find directions on the shot. “Ten seconds? I have to feel pain for ten seconds?” How bad do your organs hurt, whiney? Take your medicine!
Over at the rental house, Cojo is surveying his beautiful work. He hopes Paula will be happy! Meanwhile, Penny Marshall MD is preparing her for the shot. “Slap yourself! Hard! Spank yourself!” Woah, Nelly. Paula does what she’s told, and slaps her stomach. Then she pulls a tiny flab of skin to be pierced. The shot goes in, and Paula sees her life flash before her eyes. Emilio, the cartoon cat, Simon’s boobs in her mouth, Corey Clark publicly betraying her, that time at Panda Express when she…mmmmmm. Panda Express. All better!
My work here is done.
Interior Designer Lady is very nervous about the rental house. Paula is finally getting her ass to see it, and it’s done. If she doesn’t like it, there’ll be hell to pay. Come on, Interior Designer Lady, relax! Paula’s not the type of person to completely brush off making any decisions and then act like a bitch when things aren’t exactly how she wants them! She’s just grateful to be wealthy and have the luxury of being able to move from one fabulous house to another without lifting a finger! HAHAHAHAH Come on people, you don’t think I’m being serious, do ya? Get your heads out of your asses. Paula takes one look at the dump and she’s HELLAPISSED.
First of all, stairs. Stairs? STAIRS! OMG. Stairs. Second of all, tacky, ugly, hideous. Grodie. Blech. Everything, everywhere, nasty. She walks to the birdcage in the corner of the living room. Who the hell would put a creepy birdcage in a house? All she can think of is a dead bird on the floor of the cage and blood dripping out. If I was there, I’d throw her in that tacky cage and lock it. I’ll show you a bleeding bird. She insists it be moved NOW. How could Interior Designer Lady not get Paula’s ESSENCE!?!?
Poor Paula! No one understands her! Cojo says that Paula needs a break from this steaming pile of ugly house, so she’s off to a “wellness center” in San Diego to get more drugs better.
Head Nurse tells us that their goal with Paula is to “make her function again”. Good luck with that. The nurses do some really miraculous work with her, like stretching her out and watching her walk on a treadmill. When she does it without crying, Nurse coos “Good Joooob!” Finally, she gets a nice big shot of…no. She has to see the doctor first. Come on, people. She just stretched for Chrissakes. Give the woman her drugs!
The Doc’s diagnosis? “Paula has a variety of problems unlike most any other person we’ve seen.” You don’t say. He lists many of her problems, including neck, spine, adrenal glad and personality deficiencies, and tells her that to feel better, he’s going to reset her biological clock. Woah!! Where is this doctor and how do I marry him? He doesn’t tell us how he’s gonna do this, exactly. The fountain of youth isn’t just being given away on Bravo, people. Paula recounts the horrible day that she tripped over one of her fat ass dogs and almost died. He brushes her hair and wipes the mascara off her face with his thumbs. AAWWWWW. Paula hugs him and takes the Trapper Keeper full of prescriptions he gives her. Sucka! He fell for it again!!
Now she’ll be able to deal with the house mess like a mature, responsible adult. Not. She calls a Meeting of the Never Minds and demands to know who lost her essence. As usual, everyone stays uncomfortably silent and waits for the 6 o clock show. After everyone’s been served their first course (the salmon’s always a treat), Paula calls up Interior Designer Lady. How can she be expected to live in this shithole and who approved it? Designer Lady says Cojo. Then we get flashbacks of Cojo approving everything. Well what about the pictures Paula sent with her GBF? Interior Designer Lady says she never saw any such pictures. Paula, unable to find any rational excuse for not taking a five minute meeting to plan out the design of this house she claims is sooooo important to her, starts squeezing her face like she’s trying to cry while losing her shit on the poor woman.
You can tell Interior Designer Lady has like five children, because she is not swayed by the hysterics. Just when Paula gets going, she’s shut up. “Alright, Paula. What can we do to make you happy?” Why, take everything out and start over, of course! “Then that’s what we’ll do!” Paula looks down at the phone like Interior Designer Lady is the biggest asshole in the world.
And then this commercial comes on:
And now, a private moment with Paula! “I love dogs! They make me happy! God spelled backwards is God.” Enlightening. Thanks, Bravo.
Paula’s assistants are surrounding her while she’s on the phone with someone who has agreed to give Paula a radio show. HUH? The assistants shriek and cry and tell her how brilliant her proposal was. Umkay. Can’t wait for that show. Move over, Dr. Laura, there’s a new crazy bitch in town. Paula cries and screams to the Heavens, and decides that she’s gonna forget the whole home renovation thing, give up the rental, and stay put. After all, she’s about to be sooooooooo BUSY. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!