High Society: I Love Your Dress. Now Leave.

This week on High Society, it’s enough to drive Tinsley to drink. And you know what that means – we’re just a stone’s throw away from pill popping.

The first thing Tinsley tells us today is that everyone has an opinion about her life. Guilty! And loving it! She’s been thinking about dating and relationships and stability and she’s not sure if she misses her husband, or misses the stability. Then she invites her old housekeeper over to clean. She says that sharing the same housekeeper makes her still feel connected to Topper.

So I’m sure she needed her new place cleaned, but the real reason is to pump the housekeeper for information. Seems Tinsley’s not too sure where her ex is even living right now! High society, where the staff knows more about your marriage then you do.

Over at the Empire Hotel, they sleep all day. Jules tells us that her mornings are spent ordering room service and playing on the internet. And bitching at the hotel staff.

And then it’s time to catch up with James Paul Michael Methface. He met a boy out at one of his fatal disease afterparties, and now they’re going to the gym together. Because this whole spectacle isn’t enough, now we have to see this bitchy crackhead in gym clothes?

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They run on the treadmill for five minutes and Chuck Ass says it was the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. I’m sure that’s true. In every way possible. Then they do bench presses. “I don’t even know what that meaaaaans,” he whines. It means you found someone desperate enough for Z-list notoriety to hang out with you. Just be grateful. Although Ass does get .0000059 of a point for immediately heading into a pizza place for a slice on his way out of the gym.

And then it’s time to meet Devorah Rose, or as she calls herself, “The Sexy Social”. She’s the editor and chief of Social Life magazine, which I’m betting is one of those free ones you can pick up at the supermarket. She tells us her offices are “offensive”, they’re so gorgeous.

Then, Deborah Denise Trachtenberg from New Jersey tells us how she made Tinsley. Yeah, it was the cover of your crappy magazine that did it. That whole marrying into Standard Oil thing was just a stepping stone to the bounty that comes from being on the cover of a magazine with a readership of four.

Deborah Denise Trachtenberg talks A LOT about how sexy she is. OH, so that’s why people hate her, not because she’s beautiful, but because she’s sexy. Well, that’s a new spin. Anyway, she tells us that after she put Tinz on the cover, they were texties for about five minutes. “If I felt depressed about something I would confide in her, and then suddenly she disappeared and I don’t know why,” says Sexy Trachtenberg.

So, now that Tinz won’t return Sexy Trachtenberg’s texts, she’s out for blood. She tells her mute assistant that she wants all the dirt on Tinsley. “She’s losing that Tinsley shine,” she tells us with some finger waggling. Well yes, a roll in the dirty CW will do that to a socialite.

And what does everyone else think of Sexy Trachtenberg? Well, Chuck Ass and Vile Jules hate her, so she can’t be all bad. Ass tells us she’s a “total trollop who came from nowhere and wormed her way in. “Paul Johnson Calderon is not from the Johnson and Johnson family,” Sexy drawls.

“What I really don’t like about Deborah Rose is that she’s taking the word ‘socialite’ and making it a disgusting thing to be,” Wretched Jules tells us. Well, obvious why Jules hates her, she wanted to ruin the word socialite all by herself. Sexy Trachtenberg tells us that Vile is a racist and a homophobe, which we already knew, and that she’d “literally rather swim in vomit than sit next to her.” I’m sorry, I have to take Sexy Trachtenberg’s side on this one.

Tinz pops up to tell us she doesn’t know Sexy Trachtenberg very well “although she did write a lovely article about me…two years ago”. She says she doesn’t want to be mean, but she’s not one of Tinsley’s friends.

Oh, and then it’s time for Arts & Crafts! Or in Tinsley’s world, handbag design. She goes to a fabric store and oohs and aaaaahs over everything pink. She also tells us that she wants to make affordable handbags for everyone. “In the $200 range,” she tells us dopily. Unfortunately, anyone who can afford $200 for a purse isn’t going to spend it indulging a lost socialite.

Then she goes to the handbag factory, telling us that she’s a block away from, and get ready for this one, “my handbag factory.” I’m sorry, whose? You draw one picture of a square with a bow and some dots on it and all of the sudden it’s your own personal handbag factory? I love it. And I think Tinsley believes it too, because she rushes in with her bolts of pink fabric and tells whoever’s in charge that she knows he needs more time, but she really needs this done now.

And then she starts really showing us what she can do. “These straps look…weird to me,” she says. Oh Tinsley and her keen eye for design. “I love getting in the factory and cutting the fabric and the stitches!” she says giddily. Then she gets really high on all her factory owner power and tells us that she “I need to get my handbags in boutiques all over the world. That’s what’s on the line right now.”

She does mention that she doesn’t want to be a public failure though, which is curious. I’d definitely choose to crash and burn spectacularly then do a gutter run on the CW, but hey, different strokes. And then I’m back to identifying with her, as she’s home frantically vacuuming in anticipation of a visit from her Mom, Dale.

Dale comes in and tells Tinsley, “This was your first decorating job?” Well, what the hell does that mean, MOM? Tinz plays it cool though and tells her Mom it’s all the stuff they picked out together, only downsized. Dale takes one look at her blue bedroom walls and flips out, telling her blue walls are always a mistake because its like living in a swimming pool. I don’t know about you, but I think that actually sounds kind of cool. Can they decoupage some starfish or something?

So, of course all Dale’s criticism of the wall color is really just leading up to the real complaint which is that she just knows Prince Pissant is is lurking. She calls his presence “icky”. Tinsley denies that he’s around.

But Dale’s not done. She asks Tinsley what she’s doing that night, knowing full well there’s a huge event that night. “Oh, what are you wearing?” Dale mentions casually. “Oh, I’m thinking of going short,” Tinsley casually replies. And then Dale goes in for the kill.

“And who are you taking with you?” she asks, casual demeanor out the window. Tinsley lies so badly even I can tell she’s doing it, and tells her Mom she’s going alone. Dale doesn’t believe it for one moment. She hauls ass out of the swimming pool apartment, scurries down the stairs and orders someone on the phone to find her an amazing dress. What’s she up to? Dale’s so mischievous.

That night, there is music fit for royalty as we survey the room where the big event is, followed by techno music as Tinsley walks the red carpet. She tells us she’s wearing a “super cute Marchesa” and her favorite YSL shoes that she can’t get enough of. And of course, one of the handbags. “I was posing with it right in front of me!” she says proudly.

She starts mingling, first with some guy who she remembers once cut her hair on a photo shoot, and then with a snarky gay-ish fellow, who first tells her that he doesn’t know who she’s dating, and then when she tells him her ex is dating, replies with a snide, “Is he?” He is, by the way. One of the horsey faced girls from Vogue. She’s no Tinsley.

“I can date,” she says shyly. Yeah girl, you can! Say what you want about the desperation level, but she’s got balls to strike out on her own. Society people can be lethal.

And it turns out, this was the debut event for Prince Pissant. That’s great. She tells us what a big deal it is because everyone will be watching. He shows up and she tells him that she’s happy he’s here. Oh shit. Was this discussed? Did she tell him in advance that she’d be happy he was there?

Things were tense there for a minute, but the comment passes without incident. Everyone’s relieved. Pissant disappears somewhere for a moment, and right on cue, Dale ascends the stairs in a really fabulous red dress. She heads over to Tinsley and joyously declares that she’s her date for the night.

This is a great scene for Tinsley, because all it requires of her is to act awkward, which is all her acting is anyway. So she simpers and mumbles for a few seconds but when she realizes she’s busted she comes clean about not being there alone. Instead of lecturing her about not being photographed in front of all these cameras, Dale invites herself along as the third on their date.

And then we descend into yet another completely manufactured and fake reality TV fight, only this one kind of goes on for a while. It meanders through various rooms, past several behind-the-scene types, even down a flight of stairs. I guess they figure if they keep it moving, we won’t notice how utterly ridiculous the whole thing is. Finally, Tinsley just tells her Mom she has to go. Actually, what she says is, “You have to leave. Your dress is amazing though.”

Of course, Dale does not. She follows Tinsley back up the stairs. Well, now we know where Tinz gets her desperate tenacity from. She’s determined to track down Prince Pissant and find out why he keeps Tinsley separated from everyone in her life, especially her soon to be ex-husband.

But Pissant is nowhere to be found. And then, and I quote, because it’s just too, too good: “I looked to my right, out of the darkness beyond…and I saw Kassimir. And my heart. Just. Stopped.” says Dale dramatically. So she chases him down. Inside, outside, upstairs, downstairs, it’s like a like a silent movie with her chasing him down and violins in the background.

Finally, he escapes into the kitchen. Tinsely follows him. And Dale follows her. Then Pissant leaves the kitchen and the parade comes back around in reverse. This time, he really does escape leaving Tinsley to dramatically seethe at Dale, “Oh my God. Oh my God.”

She really does seem shaken and upset. And I have read some crazy stuff about Dale on Page Six, and from whatever we’ve seen, her hatred of Prince Pissant is certainly warranted, so maybe this part was real? Either way, the Prince has disappeared, leaving Dale theatrically drying her tears on her dress while Tinsley drinks.

Next week, Chuck Ass tries to dress Tinsley in feathers for the opera. When she gets there, she snubs Sexy Trachtenbeg, and all hell breaks loose. Kiss kiss til then.