Welcome to High Society, where a Park Avenue princess gives it all up for every Z-lister’s dream, a reality show on the CW. And who doesn’t love a good downward spiral?
Doing this reality show is the equivalent of hurling yourself off that bridge behind you, but hey, live and let live.
Our heroine is Tinsley Mortimer. The first thing Tinz tells us is that she’s about to take us into a world where not everything is as perfect as it seems. Oh, great. Some more reality to teach us that reality isn’t what it seems. Take us down to your hell, Tinsley. I’m dying to see the horrors of being born rich and beautiful.
Well, the first horrible thing that’s happening to Tinsley is she’s moving into a new apartment. A brand new place. All on her own. The divorcee move.
If things really weren’t as perfect as they seemed, this would be a sixth floor walkup in Queens.
The next hardship that she endures is picking out clothes with her best friend, Alex and deciding to wear Marchesa to the Marchesa event. Tinsley is friends with the designer, Georgina Chapman and her husband Harvey Weinstein.
Georgina clearly married for love, and not for the money to fund her fabulous clothing line.
Tinsley, the brilliant conversationalist greets them with a, “Hi! I mean, you know what I mean, I don’t know.” Oh my, saying hello can be awfully confusing. Then we cut to one of the other party guests gossiping that Tinsley’s “flying solo”. Tinz tells us that this is her first public appearance “since the divorce story broke”. Interesting choice of words – almost like getting divorced was just another marketing move. Tinsley the Brand seems to be taking precedence over Tinsley the Reality.
And now’s a great time to mention that this thing is edited like crap. Cause we go from the Marchesa event, where nothing happens, to Tinsley announcing that if we Googled her, we’d see pictures of her on a red carpet, at a fashion show or at a party. “So how did I end up like this?” she asks, as we see a glimpse of her sobbing all over her custom bedding.
I have no idea, but even your breakdowns look fucking perfect.
Well, it all started when she married Topper, her high school sweetheart whose Great-Grandfather was president of Standard Oil. They lived in a perfect apartment. She started getting photographed and designers started sending her clothes. She launched a line of handbags, the classic fake socialite career. When are we getting to the not perfect part?
Oh, okay here we are. Topper’s family hated her being photographed. And that put a lot of strain on her marriage. Wow. How did she exist in that hell? And then, inexplicably, we’re jumping back to the Marchesa party. Oh, is something going to happen? No, she’s just going to sit there with the ugly handbag that she “designed” and talk to some stylist about his clients, like Kathy Griffin who we all associate with high end style. “Do you think you could get them to wear my purses?” Tinsley asks wondrously. Savyy businesswoman.
Then we meet Tinsley’s peeps. First up is her sister, Dabney. Dab’s family, and she even helps Tinsley with her handbag line. “We go to the factory in New York, we get the samples made for the bags, and then they make tons of them and sell them in stores,” Dab explains.
So, we just stand here over this table with the machine on it while the handbag fairy makes tons of purses and then the Bergdorf fairy comes and picks them up and sells them to, like, people and stuff, I don’t know. Business is fun!
The next member or Tinsley’s new life as a bottom feeder, is Paul Johnson Calderon.
Okay, I’m going definitely going to run out of names to call this loser, but let’s start with Chuck Bass Wannabe Tweaker.
You know that show on MTV, Super Sweet Sixteen with all those horrible, spoiled teenagers? Add ten years and a meth problem, and meet this asshole. He’s been to rehab twice, and he’s still drinking. He does whatever he wants, he says. And what he wants is a family. And a book published. Is he even potty trained? Tinsley tells us she knows him from around and that her sister is friends with him.
Chuck Ass tells us that he’s recently been in the papers for stealing a purse. It was caught on camera and everything. “I was compared to Winona Ryder,” he informs us proudly, “And Lindsay Lohan.” That surveillance footage, he tells us, was his “Paris Hilton porno tape”. Well, it was good enough work to get you cast in this thing, so congrats…I guess.
Chuck Ass gets taken to a party by someone named Malik So Chic where he complains that he’s not having fun, makes out with a scrawny guy with a Mohawk and then rebelliously throws a soda can out the window.
I just wanted you to see Malik So Chic. I have no explanation as to why he’s dressed like a Golden Girl, though.
The next cockroach to scamper onto our TVs is Jules. Jules would like us to know that she’s not friends with anyone gay, black, fat or Jewish. Also, that people hate her. Not cause of the whole racist cunt thing though, but because she is beautiful. Jules thinks it’s perfectly fine to say “the N word”. But still she calls it “the N word”. All talk. Jules has since reared her ugly head on Page Six to tell the world that it’s all for the character. The great actress Jules was simply reading the lines as written. Stupid public, confusing the real Jules with the scripted one.
Obviously hated for her awe-inspiring beauty.
The Jules does some more “acting” in a hotel room that she’s sharing with Tinsley’s sister Dabney because they are both “between apartments”. Meaning, Tinsley told Dabney she couldn’t play unless she lived with Jules. How low are these girls going to sink?
Jules has a fight with someone who works at the hotel where they’re living, and, slurring, reminds the employee that there is a recession going on thank you very much and it’s unfair that people are unemployed while this person, who’s clearly unqualified to take shit from a spoiled, diseased piece of garbage with a camera following her, gets to a have a job. Please, tell us more about the inequity of life.
Chuck Ass is meeting Mommy for lunch at the Russian Tea Room. I don’t know what pills Mommy took today, but she’s confident that when her delightful son goes out to be a contributing member of society, he only has one drink. She also thinks he’d be good boyfriend for Anderson Cooper. Oh, so she wasn’t popping pills, she was flat out smoking crack. Chuck Ass hits her up for $50,000 for a new apartment. Mommy tells Ass that he’s already gone through $250,000 of his inheritance, to which he replies like any three year old mid-tantrum, “Give me my money!”
Then it’s back to Tinsley to learn more about how not perfect her life is. What’s the crisis today? Mother issues. I hope she can brave this one, cause it’s not like every other female on earth has to. Tinsley’s Mom Dale tells us the first time she saw Tinsley’s new neighborhood in “The Midtown” she couldn’t understand what she was thinking. “They even had the same initials! Topper and Tinsley!” she cries, clearly confused that it takes more than matching monograms to make a marriage work. She’s gonna try and get them back together, by the way. Tinsely’s wearing a pink frock with fake badass black accessories. She looks like she was styled by Whitney Port five years ago. I honestly don’t think there’s one original idea in Tinsley’s head.
Dale wants them to get back together. But Tinsley tells us that she wasn’t happy in her marriage. So, this is where I get it. No matter how things look on the outside, if you’re not happy, you’re not happy! And it’s nobody’s business why not. Having said that, I still think she’s a damn fool.
He’d have to have been beating me more than twice a day to get me to give up this absolutely adorable breakfast nook.
Then Dale gets on Tinsley about her new boyfriend, Kassimir. A German prince. A reportedly broke German prince. Listen, I say let her date who she wants but Tinsley is either very smart or very stupid, and until we know which one, I have to support her mother monitoring this thing. According to Dale, the guy’s a creep who saw an opening and slithered through. He “befriended” her while she was still married. That UES castle was surrounded by a moat of naivete.
“Do not be photographed with him. Do not. Do not,” she warns Tinsley as she leaves the slum otherwise known as The Midtown. Ooooooh, I can’t wait to see what she does when Tinz dumps the Prince to make out with American Idol reject Constantine. In public.
Mommy gets back to Chuck Ass about the little $50,000 loan. She’s giving him $25,000. She already wired it that day. Although the money was for rent, Ass makes quick business of spending I’m pretty sure all of it on a hotel suite and a shopping spree.
Tinz is in the limo with her sister, her friend Alex and wretched Jules. They are going to an AIDS benefit because they care about giving back to society. Just kidding, they’re going so Tinz can auction off one of her Samantha Thavasa handbags. Can we talk about this Samantha Thavasa business for a second? Samathan Thavasa is the brainchild of a Japanese businessman who picked up on the fact that Japanese girls will spend a lot of money on anything endorsed by a marginally famous blonde American. Design asthetic be dammed, if there’s a famous for being famous celebutante attached, let’s slap a label on it and charge a few hundred. But, the Japanese girls get to pretend they’re American, and the American girls get to pretend to be designers and the Japanese guy makes a profit so win-win-win.
In the limo, Jules regales us with stories of how Ass stole her phone or something. Then he comes on screen to say that she should die in a fire. Then he calls her the dregs of society.
…to know one.
Tinsley’s busy applying lipgloss so she’s not really paying attention to why Jules hates Ass. Jules doesn’t like this, so she makes a comment about how Tinsley’s older and divorced, but dressing like a teenager. By all means, take as much advice on appearance as possible from this one.
At the AIDS benefit, Jules and Ass are very busy hating each other. In the true spirit of philanthropy. Jules accuses Ass of having AIDS, because that’s a creative way to insult a gay guy. Dab interjects to tell us how uncomfortable it is to be between “two good friends who are having an issue”. I’m embarrassed for her to have to call these two her friends. Even if it’s only for TV.
After the auction, “I threw an after party” Ass tells us. There’s just never enough celebrating you can do for a deadly disease. He offers to buy shots for the entire bar, which is the only explanation I can find for how he gets a reasonably hot guy to even give him the time of day. Oh, until the dude mentions that he’s a model. Plaid shirt, bowtie and bad skin -clearly he took one look at Ass and sniffed out a new connection. Models always know where to find the good drugs. And with Ass reminding us that all he wants in life is to be “cool and popular”, I’m sure the model’s never gonna have to pay either.
Of course, Tinz and the girls show up with Jules. Jules and Ass say a bunch of terrible things that aren’t worth repeating about each other, and then to each other, and then Ass throws a drink at Jules. But it misses Jules and hits innocent bystander Alex instead. Alex screams bloody murder. Well, I’m sure it didn’t tickle, but he didn’t exactly take her head off. Get a grip, supporting character.
The last thing Tinsley needs is to be in a situation where things happen that get reported, she tells us. Right, we wouldn’t want any of this drama that you’re filming for a reality television show to get reported on or anything. Who wants that kind of publicity? Meanwhile, Ass jumps in the limo and heads to some other club. “All in a day’s work,” he brags. The fact that he just called scamming $25k out of his over-compensating for something Mother, blew it all in one night of trying to buy everyone’s friendship and then physically assaulted someone with a glass “a day’s work” makes me sick. Then he tells us he “knows how to get out of these situations”. Oh, you mean jump in your limo and flee the scene?
The next day, Tinsley is moving out of her Upper East Side palace, with this view.
See? Cloudy. So not perfect.
And this part really is sad. I don’t care who you are, divorce sucks. Getting divorced from your high school sweetheart really sucks. And giving it all up for a show on the CW….well, we have a whole season – or at least three or four more episodes before the thing gets cancelled – to see how bad that sucks.