High Society: Showdown, Ho Down

This week on High Society, Tinsley has a lot to take. There’s James Micheal Joseph Methcrack who’s trying to dress her in monkey hair for the opera, and Devorah Rose Trachtenberg who’s trying to stalk her, be her, ruin her and take credit for her hairdo all at the same time.

The first thing we learn today is that the New York social scene doesn’t stop. Even if you’re having trouble in your personal life. Tinsley reminds us of the drama her mama caused last week and then tells us that Prince Pissant has run away to London. Poor Tinsley. First Topper, now Pissant. What does it take around here to find a man who doesn’t mind being filmed for a low rent reality show? But back to the social swirl, tonight is the opening of the opera, and Tinsley’s definitely not missing that.

And then we catch up with John Paul Michael Methface. And the “popular misconception that I’m a drunk crazy party boy,” he tells us. Then he smirks and tells us, “Which is part of who I am but I would say I’m smarter than most people.” Well Chuck Bass Methface, I’m really happy you told us that. It’s going to make laughing at every stupid thing you do and say even better.

Then he tells us he’s been a “stylist” and he’s worked for Vogue, Details and Paper. “I’ve worked at really big magazines,” he brags. According to my intrepid research on the internet, he was an assistant. And I don’t even get that. I wouldn’t even let him intern for me for free.

He tells us that he has taken some time off from illustrious career as a stylist to work on other things. Such as making a name for himself on local blogs as a thief. What an accomplishment. He tells us he gathered the “chutzpah” – and please Chuck Bitch Ass, don’t taint my people’s words with your tongue – but anyway, he calls Tinsley and awkwardly asks her if he can style her for the opera opening night.

This is Tinsley’s reply, “Oh!” Long Pause. “Oh!” Another long pause. “Ummmm, okay sure!” Oh, and can we talk about the story editing here? Hours before the opera and nothing to wear? This is stupid. But Bitch Ass takes her sizes and she tells him that she likes color.

And then it’s time to catch up with my favorite part of the show, Tinsley’s Mom Dale! She’s still on a mission related to Prince Pissant. She wants to find out what his German family was busy doing in Nazi Germany. She determinedly sets off to visit a genealogist to find out.

Meanwhile, while Bitch Ass sits around pretending to think about his fake styling assignment, he gets word that Guest of A Guest, a NYC website that cares about the goings on of his type, has heard about him vandalizing some girl’s apartment. Turns out, the night before he had been hanging out with a friend of his other half, Vile Jules Kirby and he decided to pull some wall sconces off the wall in the girl’s apartment building.

He tells us that Jules and her friend “leaked it”. Like this is news anyone would care about. And fuck Guest of A Guest for giving him an audience to do this stuff. And the CW too, while we’re at it. Giving this piece of garbage any sort of attention isn’t going to get him crawling back into the sewer he came from anytime soon. As for me, the minute he slithers off my TV I’ll never think of him again.

The reporter asks him what happened. They called her a reporter, not me. If she’s a reporter, then I’m Hemingway. “Here’s my quote,” he tells her, followed by a long dramatic pause while he carefully chooses the words to express his thoughts on the shockingly lame allegations, “I’m dealing with it. And that’s my only comment.”

“So you want me to say you’re dealing with it?” the fake reporter asks him mockingly. “Yes,” he says firmly, hanging up and swearing at her. Well, way to maneuver the publicity, slick.

Now let’s catch up with Devorah Rose, just as skanky and whiney as last week. She too is preparing for the opera. She’s visiting some dress designer that according to her, anybody who’s anybody goes to. She complains how hard it is to find clothes that fit her sexiness, and looks butt ugly in everything she tries on.

She finally talks the designer into letting her wear the dress Nicole Kidman wore on the cover of Vanity Fair. When was the last time Nicole Kidman was on the cover of VF? When she broke up with Tom Cruise because she was pregnant with someone else’s baby? Always been my theory, just had to share it. Anyway, my point and even I’m not sure I have one here is that a used dress from not long enough ago to be vintage is hardly a coup for opening night of the opera.

She’s brought along some guy with her who asks the pivotal question of the episode, and of Deborah Denise Trachtenberg’s life actually – “Is Tinsley going?” Which prompts another one of Sexy Trachtenberg’s speeches about how she “made” Tinsley, which apparently consisted of suggesting a new hairstyle.

Then she tells us how after the new hair, she and Tinsley were besties but now Tinsley doesn’t speak to her. According to Sexy, Tinsley forgot everything she did for her and her plan for the opera is to stalk Tinsley and find out why.

Back to Dale – she’s at the genealogist, finding out that while Prince Pissant had a family member in the military, he wasn’t a Nazi. With that argument squashed, she moves on to her next plan of attack. “He may be a prince, but there are no jewels, no crown, not a lot of land – but at least he’s not a Nazi.”

And then we’re back to Chuck Bitch Ass. He’s all aflutter over his minor internet notoriety. “The Guest of A Guest item is up!” he screeches in the middle of the sidewalk. Even though the opera that he’s allegedly styling Tinsley for is in like five minutes, he prances into a coffee shop where he sips coffee and delightedly reads the item aloud from his phone.

Then he takes a moment to again blame Vile Jules and her pal for the pathetic dribble of publicity that he’s desperately lapping up. “Those girls want press and they’ll take negative press,” he informs us. Oh, okay well because you’re smarter then most, I’m sure you have a perfectly logical explanation for how a story about you vandalizing an apartment building with your Fisher Price bat gives them the negative press.

Then he heads to Jill Stuart, the reality show mother ship, to pull some opera looks for Tinsley. Is this jackass all we’re going to see today? He tells the salesgirl that it’s for Tinsley, and she likes “girly, but not…”. Umm, no. She likes girly, end of sentence. But because he’s smarter than most people, I’m sure he has a grand plan that just surpasses our comprehension.

The salesgirl asks him who else he styles, which in Chuck Bitch Ass’s world automatically makes her a “bee-yotch”. And the answer is, of course, no one. So she starts showing him clothes, and he promptly sits down on a chair to listen to his messages and complain about all the calls he’s getting about his self created lame scandal. And how hard it is to pick out clothes for Tinsley while he’s basking in the glow of the aftermath of breaking things like a five year old and having everyone ask him about it.

Then he goes to another showroom, and tells the salesman there that he’s so stressed out. The salesman tells him he read about him that morning. “Really?” Methface squeals, “What did you read?” Then they talk about dresses for five seconds. The clueless salesman offers a dress with side cutouts and then asks if Tinsley’s busty. What gay guy in NYC fashion doesn’t know Tinsley? Something’s fishy.

Chuck Bitch Ass has no idea of any of her sizes. And then right before he leaves, he finds a jacket made of monkey hair. And doesn’t that just scream Tinsley? He brings it to her, “pretty confident” he tells us. And this is how that goes.

She basically laughs at the ugly monkey hair and tells him it looks like human hair. That makes me laugh because the first thing I thought when I saw it was Chris March. She tells him she likes COLOR. “Color, I know,” he simpers. Which explains the monkey hair, how? She barely disguises her annoyance at the whole charade, and lets us know that she wanted to give him a chance but there was no way in hell she was wearing anything he brought. She asks him if he’d mind if she called somebody else, another stylist that she’s been working with.

The new stylist shows up with a frilly pink Marchesa. How hard was that? Even though the whole thing was staged, you don’t have to smarter than anyone to observe the fact that every time she goes out she’s wearing a frilly pink Marchesa. Chuck Ass tells us that he almost cried when the other stylist brought the perfect dress.

Ugh, and then it’s time to check in with Vile Jules who’s headed downtown to be the ugly sidekick to her hot friend and to “toy with boys”.

They meet some guys from Germany. She tells us she likes smart, well travelled guys. Then she does this.

Even her friend is appalled and embarrassed. “I don’t know what she’s doing,” she apologizes to their tablemates. “That’s horrible! Don’t do that,” she whispers to the great lover of philanthropy and humankind, Vile Jules. Vile is not pleased. She does not like to be told what to do. Especially when she’s behaving like a racist piece of shit.

And then we meet up with Chuck Bitch Ass for what will hopefully be the last time today. He tells us, “I was really stressed out from trying to fend off the press, so I did the adult thing – I called my mother.” Okay where should we start? Stressed out from perpetuating a story that makes you look even worse than you did before? And since when is crying to Mommy the adult thing to do? But wait, it gets better.

He gives her a sob story about how he was out with his friends and things got crazy and “we” sort of broke some sconces at “our” other friend’s building. Oh, so when it comes to the gossip, you’re proud of your work but when crawling to Mommy to pay for it, all of the sudden you had accomplices? She tells him he has to make restitution. He heartily agrees and then hits her up for a couple of thousand. And then tells us, “I wrote a check and I dealt with it.” Well, you wrote a check. That’s it. And no offense, but his mother’s a fucking moron.

And then, he tells us he doesn’t feel sorry and he doesn’t feel badly, he just wants it to be over. Funny, that’s exactly the way I feel about him.

Are we ever getting to the opera? Sexy Trachtenberg goes to have her nappy hair did, and even though they’re flat ironing away, it still looks bushy and gross. But she of course makes a big deal about how she wants it to be less sexy than usual, if that’s even remotely possible.

She tells us how hot her date is. He looks gay. And like one of those paid walker types. And like he’s fifteen. He has also chosen to wear a light beige suit with a pink and purple tie combo to the opera, which is a black tie event.

And then finally we’re at the opera! Tinsley is happy to be out in her pretty pink dress. What I really like about Tinz is she gives us the rundown on her entire outfit, dress to shoes to accessories. I could watch a whole show of that. Although, there is a suspicious absence of the Tinsley Mortimer Handbag Collection.

She tells us she’s going through a difficult and public divorce and she’s not sure how people will react to her. She makes the rounds of people who all seem happy to see her though. And while Tinz is being a social butterfly, Sexy Trachtenberg wanders around the opera, searching Tinsley and looking totally out of place.

The funniest part is Carolina Herrera. Sexy is introduced to her and immediately sucks up, excitedly telling her she’s Venezuelan too. Carolina Herrera can not politely move away fast enough. Then it’s Tinsley’s turn. Tinz and Carolina Herrera have a lovely heartfelt conversation about Tinsley’s personal life, culminating in an offer for free clothes.

And then, the showdown! Sexy finally manages to hurl herself into Tinsley’s path. They do a fake air cheek kiss, and Tinz is moving on! Sexy makes a last ditch attempt at being pathetic. “It’s been a long time…” she tells Tinsley. “I know!” says Tinz vacantly while frantically searching for an escape path.

Tinsley gets back to being sociable and pretty, and Sexy is left stewing. She talks endlessly about how hurt she is, how they used to be best friends, she doesn’t understand how Tinsley can do this, she snubbed me. At least her hired date read his job description carefully, he tells Sexy that Tinsley doesn’t look nearly as beautiful as Sexy does, and hey, it’s New York, you never really know anybody.

And the outrage quickly turns to venom. She tells us that Tinsley used to be pretty but now she feels sorry for her. Is this potato faced ho really judging other people’s looks? Then she tells us that Tinsley’s “about as royal as Burger King” and that her fifteen minutes are up. Got any more euphemisms for the decline of Tinsley Mortimer? We don’t need to hear them, really. I mean, we’re already watching this on the CW.

So next week looks good! Sexy declares war on Tinsley, Chuck Bitch Ass gets dumped and Vile Jules gets kicked out of her hotel. Airkisses!