We’ve come to the end of the road for High Society…did I already tell you Season Two is a go? The latest from Page Six is that they’re trying to get Tinsley’s ex onboard as a Mr. Big type character. I don’t care, as long as we never have to see or hear from Vile Jules ever again. So, we wrap it up with a former American Idol, a bitchfight at a party, a case of mistaken identity and even a porn scandal.
But don’t worry, it’s not this.
Tinsley tells us her life is like a tennis match, with lots of bouncing back and forth. To illustrate, she plays tennis. Then she goes somewhere to hawk her terrible handbags, and tells us she’s frazzled. Her ex, Topper, turned up unexpectedly in her living room this morning and it’s gotten her all confused.
But like a tennis match, we volley right back to pitching purses. Wow, dealing with relationships and work. How ever will she do it? She hauls her precious purses upstairs in some brown paper sacks. Very professional.
And another fine design from the Tinsley Mortimer Collection. I don’t know. Perhaps more gold studs?
She tells us she was nervous and babbling, and you know, the store she’s in,Calypso – I really love it. The buyer at Calypso tells Tinsley she’s seen her on TV and magazines. She calls the “detail” on the handbags “fun”. Then she tells us that she will most definitely be buying some purses. See how that works? I don’t hold it against them though, it’s a big store.
Now on to John Paul Michael Methface. He’s brought his model boyfriend, who likes being on TV and likes getting free drugs – and hey, people have whored themselves for a lot less – anyway, they are meeting Methface’s mother at Bloomindales.
I am far too famous for Bloomingdales housewares department.
Methface is wearing a bright pink bow tie and his hooker is in a flannel shirt. He’s all shiny and giggling like an idiot. The mother loves the little prostitute, she thinks he’s adorable and a good partner for her son. She asks if he’s serious, but tells us she didn’t ask if they had sex. Then she asks the escort if he’s inherited “that gay fashion gene”.
Back to Tinsley, she’s chatting with the housekeeper about her marriage.
Dorota, what would you do?
Dorota reluctantly tells her she could see them getting back together, even though you can tell she’s totally pissed at the prospect of not being able to charge them double to clean separate apartments.
Methface and his Mommy meet up for a post boyfriend meeting meeting. He tells Mama he wants to go traveling with the new guy. Oh, and he’ll need about $16,000 to do it. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what kind of “jet-setting” he’s going to be doing with so little dough, that might get you through one week in Paris.
Oh honey, that’s a lot. I might not be able to wire it in until the day after tomorrow.
Then he tells her that he doesn’t want a wedding that costs less then half a million. She tells him he can have a perfectly nice $100,000 wedding. “Yeah, if I wanted to be like Star Jones and have it sponsored,” he snarls. Who in the hell would sponsor anything you did? I feel like the CW paid him in small bills for this gig, if anything at all.
At Tinsley’s loft in Midtown, she and Dabs are getting ready for a party that Tinsley’s hosting for a new vodka company.
Look, we all loved our Barbie Dream House, but this is ridiculous.
The decided to dress like twins in 80′s glam dresses, which I love. Then they sit on some couches, and who should come along and sit down with them? Constantine, from American Idol! Constantine, of the cheesy hair, and creepy eye stare.
Text “Vote” to IDOLS04.
So, he hits on her and invites her to see his show. She tells us she has nothing to lose and she’s not getting any younger, so why not.
Oh, and then it’s time to catch up with Dale! She’s getting ready for her first date from the matchmaking service.
You know the CW didn’t spring for that jet. This looks promising.
Seriously, where is Daddy Mercer? I just picture him drunk in a trailer somewhere somewhere in the backwoods of Virginia. Dale really like the guy! They take a limo to Central Park and stroll around. Dale says they have chemistry, and then-
And then it’s time for Tinsley’s love life. She tells us that she and Topper are texting but she really wants to try and be single for a while. Then she goes to as Constantine’s guest at the Rock of Ages show. She visits backstage for a while, where he greets her with a cringeworthy “Hey sugar” and lays a “Is it hot in here? Must be you, Tinsley!” on her. For real.
Then he lets her use his makeup to do touchups on herself. Considering Constantine’s not a real rocker, just playing one on Broadway, the closest he comes to getting her naked is when she slips off her jacket, which everyone knows is groupie activity for “I totally want it.” And then, he takes her out to dinner.
I can’t help but notice, this is not the private room at Philippe.
But I guess it doesn’t matter, cause after dinner, they make out outside the restaurant while, I kid you not, cheesy eighties guitar music wails in the background. At least the editors have a sense of humor.
And then we’ve finally come to the big season ending event, the Guest of A Guest party. Methface is taking his little hooker with him. Tinsley’s getting ready with her stylist, who has the easiest job ever. Just bring a bunch of frilly pink Marchesas, and you’re all set.
At the party, Methface says that he’s “introducing” the boyfriend to society. And then, in walks Sexy Devorah Denise Trachtenberg. Methface tells her that she needs some flying monkeys, which I actually think is hilarious and plan to appropriate. Meanwhile, Tinsley tells us that she’s had enough of Sexy Tracht’s games, and is ready to confront her. She brings her peeps with her, but of course Sexy Tracht wants to stalk Tinz one-on-one.
I don’t think so, bitch.
Tinsley flat out tells her that if she really was the friend, she never would have gone to New York Magazine and said what she said. Sexy Tracht once again begins the ballad of I was hurt and we used to be best friends. And again, Tinz lays it down. She tells her that she did a cover for her magazine, but they never hung out and Sey Tracht is delusional. And now, they’ll never be friends.
Then Tinsley’s friend starts in on Sexy Tract and then Methface gets in on it. Dale tells us she feels sorry for her, she’s like the pinata of the Guest of a Guest party. Oh, and then Methface’s hooker leaves the party because he was sitting alone for 90% of the time at the party while Meth was off making drama.
After the party, Tinz thanks Meth for sticking up for her and he sucks up to her for a little bit. And then Meth goes to a party to try and find a replacement hooker. He meets a guy, tells him he’s cute, and then tries to kiss him. But he is DENIED!
Honestly, this is the smartest person I’ve seen on this show yet.
Well, he picks up another guy in a yellow hat. He practically begs this one to go home and make out with him, and finally the guy gives in. The number of men in New York who are willing to become infected by this garbage for free drugs is shocking.
And then it’s time for Tinsley to do a photo shoot. Why? Well, that’s just what rich people do when they get bored, I guess. One thing her “team” – and I can’t even begin to think of a reason why Tinsley would need a team, but I’m not going to make my brain hurt over it – anyway, her team is insisting that she does at least one photo with no makeup. They film her washing it off, and it basically looks like a soap commercial. But Tinz tells us she doesn’t feel pretty without it.
Hate to break it to ya babe, but still perfect.
And then we catch up with Sexy Tracht, who’s getting ready to go to St Croix to do a photo shoot for the desperate bikini line. Unfortunately, since she’s deluded the Deborah Denise Trachtenberg off her name, they won’t let her on the plane. Maybe it was easy to fool the Post with this Devorah Rose crap, but the FAA is not so easy. It takes three hours to clear up because it takes that long for her to admit her real name. The bikini designer is pissed. But they make it to St. Croix, and Sexy Tracht parties the night away, telling us that her life is like a fairy tale.
Not so much. The next day, the news of her real name has hit the news. “Deborah Trachtenberg?” Tinsley asks incredulously, as she and her pal Alex laugh their asses off. Methface too is amused.
Meanwhile, Sexy Tract is being gross on the beach and modeling swimsuits. They inform her of the Page Six item. Tinz tells us that Page Six called Sexy Tracht a wannabe socialite, and ha ha, what goes around comes around.
But this is not the only scandal today! Methface suddenly gets an email and looks like he’s about to crap himself. “This is horrible,” he mumbles. He gives it to his friend to read – it’s a porn star scandal. Turns out, the loser in the yellow hat was a porn star, and this blog seemed to have nothing better to do than take pictures of it. They also have pictures of him kissing his regular hooker just hours before.
I so need to deal with this, just as soon as I get all my acne and meth scratches taken care of.
Meanwhile, Tinz, Dabs and Dale are having tea. And in St. Croix, Sexy Tracht is crying and being dramatic on her photo shoot. “I don’t want to be a socialite,” she whines. Then she says that she’s tired of people being mean to her.
Then stop being a desperate jerk. Sobbing in a van in your bikini when everyone else is in clothes is just lame.
She tries to get them to turn the camera off. Then, and this is classic, she whines about how anyone can say anything about her that isn’t true, and the press will print it. Oh, like what you did to Tinsley? Meanwhile, Tinz and the girls enjoy their tea. Actually, it’s champagne. They make lots of toasts about how they love each other and always stick together.
Methface is having meeting with his escort with the park. Only the escort has suddenly grown Midwestern values. He tells Meth how awful it was to sit by himself for the whole party, only to later find Meth kissing a porn star. He even quotes Sex and the City!
“I am humiliated!”
Methface predictably blames the whole thing on being drunk and his hooker leaving. But Tommy, and now that he’s shown some common sense I’ll call him by his real name, just screams at Meth in the park, tells him to get the hell off him and walks away. Loves it!
This is all because I’m just too famous.
And the story ends with Tinz displaying her exquisitely beautiful handbags and telling them who they’re all named for. One named Dale, one named Dabney. She has generously even named one for Sexy Tracht, although she does let us know it’s the cheapest one in the collection.
She tells us that she’s still not sure what the future holds with Topper. Will we ever see him not blurred out? Tune in for Season Two…
And the perfect exit.