Hollywood Exes Recap Hookahs in the Desert

Recaps

By Jane and Blanche | Saturday, August 4, 2012 | 2:00 pm | 8 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hollywood Exes, Recaps

The appetizers arrive and the girls are ready for their mandatory prayer time only to watch Sheree stick the bread in her month. BUSTED! Oops, she was hungry after all that veal and lamb chop talk. A quick contrite prayer and they’re ready to go, although Jessica thinks it more proof that Sheree is a hypocrite.

Out of the blue, Mayte throws out that the olive oil reminds her of some porn stars she met when she was with Tommy Lee. uuuuuuuummmmmmmm, what?! First, she ruined china for us (we want  some of that Prince china in the worst way) but now she has to ruin olive oil for us too?! Anyway, Jessica is all over this topic. She knows that coconut or olive oil are great to use during sex because it helps keep yeast infections at bay and helps with dryness. Sheree suggests that if they are dry, they should try some Whoop Ash.  It’s a Saturday after 5pm though so they can’t order any.

It’s all natural and your balls will smell like Mango.

Somehow the conversation turns to pate; Jessica starts a lesson on why no-one should eat pate. And then her crab cakes arrive.  The ladies all want to know why crabs are allowed and Jessica explains that they are not mammals. Crabs have no “thinking, reasoning and rationalization.”  There is so much wrong with her thinking, reasoning and rationalization, we are worried a cow might eat her for dinner. If this is her criteria, then Jose might need to worry if he sees Jessica come at him with some olive oil… The ladies are all calling bullshit on her and we really wanted someone to ask her why crustaceans can die but cockroaches get relocated to the bushes, but they don’t and she calls them all assholes.

The next day, Mayte, Sheree and Drea decide to go vintage clothes shopping but Nicole and Jessica stay behind to drink and soak up some sun.

From Circa 59 to circa 1915

Despite what you see in te above photo, a boring dress montage follows- let’s get back the pool.

Jessica and Nicole are drinking way too much and not praying at all…

VH1′s ode to the olympics

Your vagina’s not as pretty as mine.

Drea, Mayte and Sheree decide to stop off at the store and buy some stuff for dinner. Quiet, innocent Mayte comes up with the idea to buy some lobsters to show Jessica that crustaceans need love too.

The lobster-fedora conference

They actually oooh and aaah over the lobsters (gag) luckily though Sheree is there to put it perspective, “They are going to be gooood for dinner.”

They get back to the ranch to find Jessica hardly able to move because she’s had too much to drink. They are able to sneak the lobsters into the bathroom because Jessica is puking in the bushes, hopefully not the same bushes the cockroach was in. They put the lobsters in the bathtub. Now, we’re not marine biologists but we’re fairly certain that lobsters are from salt water and will die in fresh water but what do we know…

Party foul #1- puking!

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We grew up on the prairie; Blanche is older and became blind by her teenage years... Jane is the adorable younger sister, known as "half -pint." Ok, so that's not true but we were raised in Texas, so kinda close.

We're all grown up now and are official card-carrying members of the Asshole Social Society, it's kinda like an exclusive country club, but for snarky  people who have no money, and would rather stay home talking to the tv than to other people.

Growing up we fought like crazy but only during the commercials... Now we're sisters that love and respect each other, only on the 8's tho (kinda like the weather channel...)

We love all reality tv and meat products.

We will try to make you laugh but a majority of the time we just make ourselves laugh so you may get a raw deal.

People love us! At least to our face they do, which is proper southern etiquette .

8 Comments

  1. 1
    Realityfor100Alex Realityfor100Alex
    Posted August 4, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Great recap ladies! Who needs enemies when you have friends calling you out for terminating a pregnancy? All I know is Sheree is ready to lead Jessica to the altar NOW in a straight jacket. Finally this show has given us something to look forward to instead of Mayte’s pining for Prince.

  2. 2
    joyia joyia
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Feel better Jane!

    Wow this show went from zero to 100 fast in the drama department! I wish her abortion hadn’t been exposed like it was but I can understand the frustration with her holier than thou comments about treating living things with dignity while stuffing her face with crab. Sheree can be grating though. Too much with the holy roller stuff. I’m just not buying what she’s selling.

    Great recap. I rarely actually watch the show because I rely on your fantastic recaps :-)

  3. 3
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted August 5, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Jane is good; a little dinner and she’s already receiving gentleman callers ;)
    We go back and forth on most of the ladies. Of course up until this week, they were all just mildly annoying. Now! They’re finally getting real!
    In the twitter-verse Sheree admits she should have handled it better. Jessica hasn’t said much so maybe she’s holding a grudge? We’d be pissed too but why at just Sheree? Can’t wait for Wednesday…
    We’re also covering Bachelor Pad so be sure to check us out and keep commenting- its healthy to vent! :)

  4. 4
    Chenell
    Posted August 7, 2012 at 8:49 am

    The information Mayte was given (I can only assume by a misguided medical professional) that her vegan diet was responsible for what happened during her pregnancy is completely false. I had a successful vegan pregnancy, as have millions of women worldwide. How irresponsible and uninformed whomever perpetuated this ridiculous and cruel myth to a grieving mother must have been.

  5. 5
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted August 8, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Mayte has been answering questions about that on Twitter- she says that every body is different and hers reacted poorly to the lack of animal proteins, something she didn’t realize until the pregnancy. She supports her vegan friends as well as her meat eating friends and doesn’t judge. Jessica says she also doesn’t judge but likes to educate her friends, something I’m sure they all appreciate…

  6. 6
    kloewent
    Posted August 8, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Just to answer the question from the last recap, the foil on the fingers is to get acrylic nails off. You soak cotton with acetone, then wrap foil around it, 20 or 30 minutes later, they peel off, (actually, they still have to clip them and soak again!) I got talked into getting them, never again!!!

  7. 7
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted August 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    Yikes! Beauty is pain and all… Who’s watching tonight?

  8. 8
    atlgirl
    Posted August 8, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Funny recap!

    According to Drea’s twitter, she claims that what she did was okay because she didn’t name any names when she brought up the shmashmortion, Sheree did, which is true, but it’s still awfully passive aggressive if you ask me. If Jessica asked them to keep it private they should have. And if she wants to eat crab cakes, but save roaches and lambs, that’s her business, no it doesn’t make any sense, but who really cares?

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