A brand spanking new show guys! Is it a new concept? Well, no, but who cares, it’s on TV and it’s hot outside!
Hollywood Exes: the title says it all. This show is all about 5 women who were once married to an A-list man but are now divorced and living in squalor… which in LA means they have to take public planes and drive themselves in a Mercedes instead of a chauffeured driven Bentley and not a drop of Grey Poupon in sight! The poor dears!
basket case, Ex, is Andrea Kelly. She was R Kelly’s choreographer and principal dancer. Oh and they were married for 10 years. That’s right she was what he had trapped in the closet! Her and their THREE kids, who knew!?! But she left him because ya know, “people grow.” Uuuuuuuummmmmmm, well, if she means that when certain parts of your anatomy grow around underage girls you get hit with a legal shit storm, then we can follow. But we digress, Andrea is ready to spread her wings, leave Chicago and move to LA.
She’s just so happy to leave Chicago
Where she can hang with Nicole Murphy, Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife, because apparently Drea and Nicole are über close. (Anyone else think this is crap?)
Nicole is now engaged to Michael Strahan, ex-NFL star, and is super happy and just like every good LA citizen, she owns a fashion and jewelry line- snore! At least she’s nice to look at.
She had us at Hello
Sheree Fletcher divorced Will Smith 17 years ago and is remarried to Terrell Fletcher (ex-NFL star, a running theme). We don’t think she really qualifies for the show since she’s remarried but we don’t make the rules. Of course they only see each other a few times a week because he’s a pastor at a church 2 whole hours away so she might be a better candidate for the show very soon.
Jesus loves long distance
Sheree and Nicole have known each other for about 17 years and like to hang around ridiculously expensive jewelry guarded by Heather DuBrow’s jeweler (anyone watch RHOC this past week? Blue hair is the new black, right?)
What would Jesus wear?
Now we get to meet Mayte Garcia who met Prince when she was 16 and married him at some age yet to be determined. She is an actress now and has had “many” TV roles which means she’s played a dead hooker on all the CSI’s. She wants to break into movies so watch out Lifetime movie of the week, here comes Mayte! She lives with her adorably feisty mother and a small farm. Now she just needs man.
The Ex-wife formerly known as Prince’s
Last but not least is the token white girl, Jessica Canseco, who was married to Jose Canseco. She is best friend’s with her 15-year-old daughter, Josie. Jessica goes ahead and labels herself “the fun one” easy now, token, crazy isn’t always fun so we’ll be the judge of that.
I’m such a hip, cool mom. Why are you screwed up again?
Mayte and Jessica met through a mutual friend awhile ago (translation: their agents introduced them a week before they started filming). Mayte isn’t impressed with musicians anymore and Jessica isn’t impressed by little league champions because “you can’t do better than Jose Canseco.” WOW! We can walk into any adult toy store and find 100′s of things better than Jose Canseco…
Leave it to VH1 to go lower than even BravoTV ever dared to go…we follow Jessica to her vaginal rejuvenation appointment! She brought Nicole with her for no apparent reason (other than the producers told her to). We need to stop here and say that as sisters, we have attended many a doctor appointment but we always stayed north of the equator. Nicole looked north, south, east and west and while she seemed a bit stunned, she just couldn’t look away. That’s right, Jessica’s vajayjay is like a big ole train wreck.
Ok, this is better than Jose!
Jessica’s ready to go out and show off her perfect vagina and butt-hole but the doctor poo-poo’s the idea, “No sexual activity for a week.” Jessica’s not smiling now.
Mayte meets with a matchmaker to see if she can find Mr. Right. She went from Prince to Tommy Lee. Whoa girl! From extra small to extra-large, how about we find you Mr. Medium? The matchmaker wants to know if being with famous men is what defines her. Mayte says no. Really? Does she understand what show she is on?
Nicole needs a dramatic storyline so she has lunch with Sheree to talk about how her bank account was emptied and she’s suing a bunch of people. We’re glad she’s fighting the good fight and that she feels a big weight was lifted by talking to Sheree. Sheree picking up the tab was just a happy coincidence…
Nicole invites Andrea to a dinner to meet all the other exes. Then she and her “partner in crime” argue or something…honestly VH1 how about some subtitles because we can’t understand half of what this girl says!
Meanwhile, across town, Jessica and Jose are having lunch at another restaurant. Jose has some bombs to drop. Mexico fired him. For doing drugs. Dude, if you get fired by a whole country of drug lords then your stupid book is the LEAST of your problems. Now he wants to be a good dad and move in with Jessica and Josie. Translation: I have no job, no money, and no prospects so I need to shack up with you until I find something better. Even though that he hasn’t paid for anything for the last 7 years, she still owes him something.
Douche. Douchebag. King of Douchebagistan. Douchemonger.
We have a million of these, shall we go on?
Hmm, he is a douche but I want to show someone my new vagina.
It’s time for dinner and Andrea is nervous that no-one will like her. The girls all are shocked that R Kelly was married but we thought Nicole knew Andrea for a long time, whatever. The producers need to edit their shit better.