Hollywood Exes Recap: Mortgages and Stretch Marks

Recaps

By Jane and Blanche | Friday, June 29, 2012 | 6:00 am | 17 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Hollywood Exes, Recaps

 A brand spanking new show guys! Is it a new concept? Well, no, but who cares, it’s on TV and it’s hot outside!

Hollywood Exes: the title says it all. This show is all about 5 women who were once married to an A-list man but are now divorced and living in squalor… which in LA means they have to take public planes and drive themselves in a Mercedes instead of a chauffeured driven Bentley and not a drop of Grey Poupon in sight! The poor dears!

Our first basket case, Ex, is Andrea Kelly. She was R Kelly’s choreographer and principal dancer. Oh and they were married for 10 years. That’s right she was what he had trapped in the closet! Her and their THREE kids, who knew!?! But she left him because ya know, “people grow.”  Uuuuuuuummmmmmm, well, if she means that when certain parts of your anatomy grow around underage girls you get hit with a legal shit storm, then we can follow.  But we digress, Andrea is ready to spread her wings, leave Chicago and move to LA. 

She’s just so happy to leave Chicago

  Where she can hang with Nicole Murphy, Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife, because apparently Drea and Nicole are über close.  (Anyone else think this is crap?)

Nicole is now engaged to Michael Strahan, ex-NFL star, and is super happy and just like every good LA citizen, she owns a fashion and jewelry line- snore! At least she’s nice to look at.

She had us at Hello

Sheree Fletcher divorced Will Smith 17 years ago and is remarried to Terrell Fletcher (ex-NFL star, a running theme). We don’t think she really qualifies for the show since she’s remarried but we don’t make the rules. Of course they only see each other a few times a week because he’s a pastor at a church 2 whole hours away so she might be a better candidate for the show very soon.

Jesus loves long distance

Sheree and Nicole have known each other for about 17 years and like to hang around ridiculously expensive jewelry guarded by Heather DuBrow’s jeweler (anyone watch RHOC this past week? Blue hair is the new black, right?)    

What would Jesus wear?

Now we get to meet Mayte Garcia who met Prince when she was 16 and married him at some age yet to be determined. She is an actress now and has had “many” TV roles which means she’s played a dead hooker on all the CSI’s. She wants to break into movies so watch out Lifetime movie of the week, here comes Mayte! She lives with her adorably feisty mother and a small farm. Now she just needs  man.

The Ex-wife formerly known as Prince’s

Last but not least is the token white girl, Jessica Canseco, who was married to Jose Canseco. She is best friend’s with her 15-year-old daughter, Josie. Jessica goes ahead and labels herself “the fun one” easy now, token, crazy isn’t always fun so we’ll be the judge of that.

I’m such a hip, cool mom. Why are you screwed up again?

Mayte and Jessica met through a mutual friend awhile ago (translation: their agents introduced them a week before they started filming). Mayte isn’t impressed with musicians anymore and Jessica isn’t impressed by little league champions because “you can’t do better than Jose Canseco.” WOW!  We can walk into any adult toy store and find 100′s of things better than Jose Canseco…  

Leave it to VH1 to go lower than even BravoTV ever dared to go…we follow Jessica to her vaginal rejuvenation appointment! She brought Nicole with her for no apparent reason (other than the producers told her to).  We need to stop here and say that as sisters, we have attended many a doctor appointment but we always stayed north of the equator. Nicole looked north, south, east and west and while she seemed a bit stunned, she just couldn’t look away. That’s right, Jessica’s vajayjay is like a big ole train wreck.

Holy Vagina!

 Ok, this is better than Jose!

Jessica’s ready to go out and show off her perfect vagina and butt-hole but the doctor poo-poo’s the idea, “No sexual activity for a week.”  Jessica’s not smiling now.

Mayte meets with a matchmaker to see if she can find Mr. Right. She went from Prince to Tommy Lee. Whoa girl! From extra small to extra-large, how about we find you Mr. Medium? The matchmaker wants to know if being with famous men is what defines her. Mayte says no. Really? Does she understand what show she is on?

Nicole needs a dramatic storyline so she has lunch with Sheree to talk about how her bank account was emptied and she’s suing a bunch of people.  We’re glad she’s fighting the good fight and that she feels a big weight was lifted by talking to Sheree. Sheree picking up the tab was just a happy coincidence…

Nicole invites Andrea to a dinner to meet all the other exes. Then she and her “partner in crime” argue or something…honestly VH1 how about some subtitles because we can’t understand half of what this girl says! 

Meanwhile, across town, Jessica and Jose are having lunch at another restaurant. Jose has some bombs to drop. Mexico fired him. For doing drugs. Dude, if you get fired by a whole country of drug lords then your stupid book is the LEAST of your problems. Now he wants to be a good dad and move in with Jessica and Josie. Translation: I have no job, no money, and no prospects so I need to shack up with you until I find something better. Even though that he hasn’t paid for anything for the last 7 years, she still owes him something.

Douche. Douchebag. King of Douchebagistan. Douchemonger.

 We have a million of these, shall we go on? 

Hmm, he is a douche but I want to show someone my new vagina. 

It’s time for dinner and Andrea is nervous that no-one will like her. The girls all are shocked that R Kelly was married but we thought Nicole knew Andrea for a long time, whatever. The producers need to edit their shit better. 

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We grew up on the prairie; Blanche is older and became blind by her teenage years... Jane is the adorable younger sister, known as "half -pint." Ok, so that's not true but we were raised in Texas, so kinda close.

We're all grown up now and are official card-carrying members of the Asshole Social Society, it's kinda like an exclusive country club, but for snarky  people who have no money, and would rather stay home talking to the tv than to other people.

Growing up we fought like crazy but only during the commercials... Now we're sisters that love and respect each other, only on the 8's tho (kinda like the weather channel...)

We love all reality tv and meat products.

We will try to make you laugh but a majority of the time we just make ourselves laugh so you may get a raw deal.

People love us! At least to our face they do, which is proper southern etiquette .

17 Comments

  1. 1
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 7:38 am

    J & B, though I will never watch this show, I shall enjoy your recaps! Just thought I’d let you know Mayte Garcia was on the show “Dance Your Ass Off” perhaps the best, corniest show you didn’t watch! She was one of the judges the 1st year before they fired the fat host and hired that annoying Mel B., who ruined the show with her horrible accent that no one could understand what the hell she was saying!

  2. 2
    trkaelin
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 8:43 am

    I actually enjoyed this show and kinda liked all the ladies so far…………. is that wrong?? lol

  3. 3
    lOS ANGELES 1993
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Liked all the ladies except Jessica. Trash married trash.

  4. 4
    fancyface
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Hopefully you won’t take this the wrong way & are open to a little constructive criticism but….This recap was kinda confusing because you mixed up the two episodes instead of covering each one separately. Some of what you said happened in the 1st epi happened in the 2nd a vice versa. And if felt like 2 rushed mini-caps and not a full recap because you didn’t really cover what happened. Plus? How can you have such a great title to a recap using the best line of the show but not cover the convo? That conversation wasn’t hard to follow even with her mixed metaphors and trying to sound young and hip lingo. She was talking about her anxiety over meeting the ladies, the ‘assistant’ asked her was she nervous about any drama or wig pulling & she said no because they were all grown ass women who didn’t have time for little girl games. She has mortgages & stretch marks so she is too damn grown and had no time to be fighting over nonsense lol. It was very funny.

    Also? Why glance over the convo Jessica rabbit was having with her daughter? It was refreshing in some aspects because she was so open with her, but it was disturbing in others because I don’t think a 15 year old should be saying some of the things she did. She cursed in front of her & her mom didn’t even blink & I know it’s the ‘style’ these days, but I was NOT comfortable with the way she was dressed. IMO a fifteen year old shouldn’t be wearing form fitting tights without her lowers being covered. It made me very uncomfortable because I would never let my daughter dress like that. You could see every nook and cranny!

    I understand that you’re playing catch up after the two epis, but you should really tune into the show more if you’re going to be recapping it. IMO, no one likes to read drive by re-tellings without actually getting into what really happened on the show. It’s a promising show & hopefully you can devote more time to it and really get into it for recapping purposes because this one fell flat. You were still funny though so I have faith :)

    Anyhoo…how freaking gorgeous is Nicole? Every time she’s on the screen that’s all I can think about. Wow. They’re all beautiful (well Andrea is…cute?) but she’s breathtaking imo. Plus she’s funny and seems to have a fun loving personality, and being married to Eddie, that had to be a MUST so I’m sure she’s a ball of fun.

    And Mayte does look familiar and I think she had more roles than we know. I want to say I remember her from a sitcom or drama series on tv but I’m too lazy to look. Love how her mom put that annoying ass matchmaker in her place though. Plus? Not acknowledging the 2nd Ex Mrs Prince is married to Eric Benet was another oversight I think. These ladies are very interesting & you should definitely tell more of their stories during the recaps.

    Andrea? We get that you were dumb enough to let yourself be ‘trapped in the closet’ (good line btw) for like 15 years and now you’re ready to burst out..but CALM DOWN! Geesh. Take it down a notch girl! And anyone asking for ‘ghetto spaghetti’ must have no taste buds because that shit sounded RANK! Love her so far though.

    Preacher’s wife is on the fence for me. I can see her turning into a judgmental beyootch and that’s not cute on anyone! And what’s the reason for her living 2 hours away from her husband? Why aren’t they all living closer to his church? Something seems fishy.

    Jessica is on the wrong show! She has Baseball wives trampery written ALL over her! Her topless booty shaking and lackluster parenting would’ve fit in great with those fools. Here? Not so much. But you need the drama starter I suppose. She doesn’t fit in with these ladies AT ALL & methinks that’s why she was cast. If not, it would’ve been a show about boring older ladies being too classy to fight and who wants to watch that shit? She is going to make Preacher’s wife drop her facade & Mayte lose her shit! What more could you ask for? Having said that, despite her poor decision making abilities, so far I like her for what she was meant to be.

  5. 5
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 10:10 am

    @fancyface, Jane here… I blame Blanche;)

    But, in all fairness, we did devote our time to this show. The 2 epis in 1 recap was because the actual premiere of this show was Wed night June 27. Then VH1 pulled the stunt of airing 1 on the 25th wtf?! Blanche was calling and texting me like crazy… Lol sorry for all the confusion and that you felt it was a rushed recap. We pledge to make you happy next time:)

  6. 6
    fancyface
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 10:30 am

    LOL Jane I would blame Blanche too & Blanche I would blame Jane :)

    Seriously, it was a funny recap and I understand the 2 epis in one dilema. It just didn’t feel very detailed to me and I’m sure it will be much better when you only have one episode to focus on!

  7. 7
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Blanche here- for 2 episodes, the recap is a little anorexic. We were very focused on introductions and first impressions and will focus more on filling in the blanks as things get more juicy. Jane wasn’t being very funny last night so hopefully she’ll be better next time.

    I’m not sure who I like best yet- Nicole is STUNNING! And so nice… Sheree so far isn’t being judemental or pushy with her faith, but we’ll see. Mayte is gorgeous as well and does seem very grounded for living a Hollywood lifestyle. Jessica is a mess (Messica?) and Andrea, hmmm, I liked her when she didn’t talk too much.

  8. 8
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Yeah I don’t think I’m going to watch this, but I’ll read the recaps.

    What’s a vagina rejuvenation? I would google it but I’m scared about what might pop up.

    I checked out Mayte IMDB page and her biggest role was being on Army Wives for 6 episodes. She also was on an episode of Psych. If you any of you watch that she plays the girl Gus gets matched with in the Speed dating/Naked guy in the field episode.

  9. 9
    SuburBint
    Posted June 29, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    “Well she’s had a Jose, she might as well move on to a Jesus.” I snorted Pepsi out my nose, I truly did. Which hurt like heck, but I’m still strangely appreciative.

    xoxo

  10. 10
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Vaginal Rejunivation, according to the show, plumps up the “area” and makes it all smooth and one color… Now I can think of many areas I need plumping but that is not one;) I’m not trying to brag here either

  11. 11
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted June 30, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    What did she do to her vagina that it needs to be plump? Or is this a sex a thing because I didn’t know guys liked plump vaginas. I thought their main requirements were it not being stretched out.

  12. 12
    Jane and Blanche Jane and Blanche
    Posted June 30, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    They never really explain why she needed it other than to say the procedure makes it “look younger” honestly unless you’re a porn star, I don’t understand what the point is…

  13. 13
    sheesh
    Posted July 1, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I would love to have a friend like Andrea.
    She’s fun!
    Jesica….eff.
    I have always theought Nicole was beyond gorgous.
    Mayte is married to Eric Benet? Damn.

  14. 14
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted July 1, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Ithink I’m going to have to find a way to see this. That…um…reconstructive surgery has me curious.

    I’m thinking, however, that if I want a part of me to look better, that isn’t the one I’d think of first.

  15. 15
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted July 1, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    @SSC: Have you given http://www.1channel.ch a try? They stream a lot of reality shows…I don’t even need cable! lol

  16. 16
    Terrence
    Posted July 5, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Wasn’t Jessica on Baseball Wives? That was kinda boring to me. I don’t know there’s something about her look that says CRAZY.

  17. 17
    Toletha
    Posted August 30, 2012 at 8:00 am

    After reading all the comments, one was a little confusing to me. It sounded like someone was saying that Mayte was/is married to Eric Benet — I couldn’t decipher if the comment was saying “IS” or “WAS” married to him. So, I was a bit curious about who Eric Benet is (or was) married to other than Halle Berry and did a little research because it just didn’t sound logical to me that Mayte would be married to Eric Benet and then would be seen dating on the show. At any rate, from what I just read, Eric Benet and Manuela Testolini are married. It appears that the marriage took place in July 2011. Manuela Testolini was formerly married to Prince. And Mayte Garcia was in attendance at the wedding. So, I guess the two former wives of Prince are friends. That may be how the confusion came about, and it was mistakenly thought that Mayte was (or had been) married to Eric Benet. By the way, Mayte was noted as the FIRST wife of Prince in the article I read.

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