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It’s after dinner dancing time and Jose shows up. He’s being his usual creepy douchey self and all the girls hate him, except Jessica. Andrea’s relieved that they all seem to like her. At least, that’s what we think, we don’t speak Andreaese.
The premiere ends and we’re treated to another full hour of Hollywood Exes where we get to hear more about Jessica’s vagina, meet the meanest matchmaker ever and try to understand Andrea.
Sheree wants to take Andrea out for a LA experience but since Sheree doesn’t condone afternoon cocktails they find cupcakes. And where do you find an afternoon cupcake in LA? Why in an ATM machine, of course!
Andrea then gets an audience to discuss how hidden she was. Unless she wanted to go to the park or the zoo with her kids. It was ok being a normal person then but all the other times it was hard being so spectacular and nobody knew it. We liked her better when we couldn’t understand her.
Jessica and her daughter are discussing teenage relationships which allows Jessica to justify moving in with Jose. We liked her better when she was flaunting her vagina.
Mayte and Prince’s other ex-wife are having lunch. Apollonia and Nicky are off in a red corvette somewhere apparently. The other ex has a baby and Mayte shares the pain she went through when she lost her baby. Wow, downer, we liked her better when she was calling Jose a douche.
We have to stop here and let you in on a reality show secret; when they’re not fighting, they’re BORING. Househunting and spa day with your mom are far less riveting then watching Snooki getting knocked in he face or Kim getting her wig yanked off. The only thing we got out of the next 15 minutes was Andrea’s nickname. She shall now and forever be known as Hollyhood. And yes, she’s trying to fit a pole into her decor.
Sheree wants to do an intervention with Jessica to keep Jose out of the house. Nicole ruins it by being nice and Jessica ruins it by accepting the advice maturely. They need to hurry up and get to know each other better so the name calling can get down and dirty.
The matchmaker is back at Mayte’s house. She doesn’t like Mayte’s mom, she doesn’t like how cluttered the house is, she doesn’t like the dog, she doesn’t like the cat, she doesn’t like the purple house spray…we don’t like the matchmaker!
The ONLY time we agreed with the matchmaker?
Nicole and Jessica meet for lunch and start discussing Nicole’s upcoming wedding but as usual a conversation with Jessica turns into crotch talk and we get to hear all about Jose’s balls. And not the kind he hit with a bat. Well, maybe he did but that’s another show.
Mayte goes out to Hollyhood’s new house to discuss being married and divorced from a musician. Mayte can’t understand half of the conversation and doesn’t want to watch Hollyhood cry so they decide to dance.
Hollyhood is hosting a wig party. And what is the most requested food at a wig party? Ghetto spaghetti with taco seasoning, bbq sauce and 6 kinds of sugar. In LA they’ll just throw it all up later so it really doesn’t matter what’s in it. The ladies all arrive in their wigs. Hollyhood’s upset because they’re not partying correctly.
Jessica begins talking about her vagina again and offers to show and tell. Sheree is appalled and wants to know why she would do this because men don’t care. Jessica then silences the room by informing the black women that black men don’t go downtown. And just when the other ladies found the ability to speak they were silenced again by Jessica’s admission that she, herself, has gone down on a black woman. **Crickets** At least she’s talking about someone else’s vagina.
Cut to Sheree, “Jessica needs Jesus.” Well she’s had a Jose she might as well move on to a Jesus… But that’s not meant to be because she tells Jose he can move in. Because her daughter needs both her parents and she needs to be a good role model. Yes, Jessica, there’s no better role model than a mom who lets her ex-husband walk all over her. This will end well, we’re sure.
Well, that’s it for now Gasmii- 2 hours of boring “getting to know you” BS but the nice never lasts. It’s like they say on MTV ”When people stop being polite and start getting real.”
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