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It’s after dinner dancing time and Jose shows up. He’s being his usual creepy douchey self and all the girls hate him, except Jessica. Andrea’s relieved that they all seem to like her. At least, that’s what we think, we don’t speak Andreaese.
The premiere ends and we’re treated to another full hour of Hollywood Exes where we get to hear more about Jessica’s vagina, meet the meanest matchmaker ever and try to understand Andrea.
Sheree wants to take Andrea out for a LA experience but since Sheree doesn’t condone afternoon cocktails they find cupcakes. And where do you find an afternoon cupcake in LA? Why in an ATM machine, of course!
Do ex-wives get 50% off?
Andrea then gets an audience to discuss how hidden she was. Unless she wanted to go to the park or the zoo with her kids. It was ok being a normal person then but all the other times it was hard being so spectacular and nobody knew it. We liked her better when we couldn’t understand her.
Jessica and her daughter are discussing teenage relationships which allows Jessica to justify moving in with Jose. We liked her better when she was flaunting her vagina.
Mayte and Prince’s other ex-wife are having lunch. Apollonia and Nicky are off in a red corvette somewhere apparently. The other ex has a baby and Mayte shares the pain she went through when she lost her baby. Wow, downer, we liked her better when she was calling Jose a douche.
We have to stop here and let you in on a reality show secret; when they’re not fighting, they’re BORING. Househunting and spa day with your mom are far less riveting then watching Snooki getting knocked in he face or Kim getting her wig yanked off. The only thing we got out of the next 15 minutes was Andrea’s nickname. She shall now and forever be known as Hollyhood. And yes, she’s trying to fit a pole into her decor.
Did you register for the pole at Nordstrom’s?
Sheree wants to do an intervention with Jessica to keep Jose out of the house. Nicole ruins it by being nice and Jessica ruins it by accepting the advice maturely. They need to hurry up and get to know each other better so the name calling can get down and dirty.
The matchmaker is back at Mayte’s house. She doesn’t like Mayte’s mom, she doesn’t like how cluttered the house is, she doesn’t like the dog, she doesn’t like the cat, she doesn’t like the purple house spray…we don’t like the matchmaker!
This bitch makes Patti Stanger look polite and soft-spoken.
The ONLY time we agreed with the matchmaker?
Really? Nothing says “I’m over you” like displaying a whole set of dishes with your symbol on them.
Nicole and Jessica meet for lunch and start discussing Nicole’s upcoming wedding but as usual a conversation with Jessica turns into crotch talk and we get to hear all about Jose’s balls. And not the kind he hit with a bat. Well, maybe he did but that’s another show.
Mayte goes out to Hollyhood’s new house to discuss being married and divorced from a musician. Mayte can’t understand half of the conversation and doesn’t want to watch Hollyhood cry so they decide to dance.
And now is zee time ven we dance.
Hollyhood is hosting a wig party. And what is the most requested food at a wig party? Ghetto spaghetti with taco seasoning, bbq sauce and 6 kinds of sugar. In LA they’ll just throw it all up later so it really doesn’t matter what’s in it. The ladies all arrive in their wigs. Hollyhood’s upset because they’re not partying correctly.
This is my vaginal rejuvenation imitation
Jessica begins talking about her vagina again and offers to show and tell. Sheree is appalled and wants to know why she would do this because men don’t care. Jessica then silences the room by informing the black women that black men don’t go downtown. And just when the other ladies found the ability to speak they were silenced again by Jessica’s admission that she, herself, has gone down on a black woman. **Crickets** At least she’s talking about someone else’s vagina.
Cut to Sheree, “Jessica needs Jesus.” Well she’s had a Jose she might as well move on to a Jesus… But that’s not meant to be because she tells Jose he can move in. Because her daughter needs both her parents and she needs to be a good role model. Yes, Jessica, there’s no better role model than a mom who lets her ex-husband walk all over her. This will end well, we’re sure.
Cheers and smiles now- spitting and screaming next week!
Well, that’s it for now Gasmii- 2 hours of boring “getting to know you” BS but the nice never lasts. It’s like they say on MTV ”When people stop being polite and start getting real.”
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17 Comments
J & B, though I will never watch this show, I shall enjoy your recaps! Just thought I’d let you know Mayte Garcia was on the show “Dance Your Ass Off” perhaps the best, corniest show you didn’t watch! She was one of the judges the 1st year before they fired the fat host and hired that annoying Mel B., who ruined the show with her horrible accent that no one could understand what the hell she was saying!
I actually enjoyed this show and kinda liked all the ladies so far…………. is that wrong?? lol
Liked all the ladies except Jessica. Trash married trash.
Hopefully you won’t take this the wrong way & are open to a little constructive criticism but….This recap was kinda confusing because you mixed up the two episodes instead of covering each one separately. Some of what you said happened in the 1st epi happened in the 2nd a vice versa. And if felt like 2 rushed mini-caps and not a full recap because you didn’t really cover what happened. Plus? How can you have such a great title to a recap using the best line of the show but not cover the convo? That conversation wasn’t hard to follow even with her mixed metaphors and trying to sound young and hip lingo. She was talking about her anxiety over meeting the ladies, the ‘assistant’ asked her was she nervous about any drama or wig pulling & she said no because they were all grown ass women who didn’t have time for little girl games. She has mortgages & stretch marks so she is too damn grown and had no time to be fighting over nonsense lol. It was very funny.
Also? Why glance over the convo Jessica rabbit was having with her daughter? It was refreshing in some aspects because she was so open with her, but it was disturbing in others because I don’t think a 15 year old should be saying some of the things she did. She cursed in front of her & her mom didn’t even blink & I know it’s the ‘style’ these days, but I was NOT comfortable with the way she was dressed. IMO a fifteen year old shouldn’t be wearing form fitting tights without her lowers being covered. It made me very uncomfortable because I would never let my daughter dress like that. You could see every nook and cranny!
I understand that you’re playing catch up after the two epis, but you should really tune into the show more if you’re going to be recapping it. IMO, no one likes to read drive by re-tellings without actually getting into what really happened on the show. It’s a promising show & hopefully you can devote more time to it and really get into it for recapping purposes because this one fell flat. You were still funny though so I have faith
Anyhoo…how freaking gorgeous is Nicole? Every time she’s on the screen that’s all I can think about. Wow. They’re all beautiful (well Andrea is…cute?) but she’s breathtaking imo. Plus she’s funny and seems to have a fun loving personality, and being married to Eddie, that had to be a MUST so I’m sure she’s a ball of fun.
And Mayte does look familiar and I think she had more roles than we know. I want to say I remember her from a sitcom or drama series on tv but I’m too lazy to look. Love how her mom put that annoying ass matchmaker in her place though. Plus? Not acknowledging the 2nd Ex Mrs Prince is married to Eric Benet was another oversight I think. These ladies are very interesting & you should definitely tell more of their stories during the recaps.
Andrea? We get that you were dumb enough to let yourself be ‘trapped in the closet’ (good line btw) for like 15 years and now you’re ready to burst out..but CALM DOWN! Geesh. Take it down a notch girl! And anyone asking for ‘ghetto spaghetti’ must have no taste buds because that shit sounded RANK! Love her so far though.
Preacher’s wife is on the fence for me. I can see her turning into a judgmental beyootch and that’s not cute on anyone! And what’s the reason for her living 2 hours away from her husband? Why aren’t they all living closer to his church? Something seems fishy.
Jessica is on the wrong show! She has Baseball wives trampery written ALL over her! Her topless booty shaking and lackluster parenting would’ve fit in great with those fools. Here? Not so much. But you need the drama starter I suppose. She doesn’t fit in with these ladies AT ALL & methinks that’s why she was cast. If not, it would’ve been a show about boring older ladies being too classy to fight and who wants to watch that shit? She is going to make Preacher’s wife drop her facade & Mayte lose her shit! What more could you ask for? Having said that, despite her poor decision making abilities, so far I like her for what she was meant to be.
@fancyface, Jane here… I blame Blanche;)
But, in all fairness, we did devote our time to this show. The 2 epis in 1 recap was because the actual premiere of this show was Wed night June 27. Then VH1 pulled the stunt of airing 1 on the 25th wtf?! Blanche was calling and texting me like crazy… Lol sorry for all the confusion and that you felt it was a rushed recap. We pledge to make you happy next time:)
LOL Jane I would blame Blanche too & Blanche I would blame Jane
Seriously, it was a funny recap and I understand the 2 epis in one dilema. It just didn’t feel very detailed to me and I’m sure it will be much better when you only have one episode to focus on!
Blanche here- for 2 episodes, the recap is a little anorexic. We were very focused on introductions and first impressions and will focus more on filling in the blanks as things get more juicy. Jane wasn’t being very funny last night so hopefully she’ll be better next time.
I’m not sure who I like best yet- Nicole is STUNNING! And so nice… Sheree so far isn’t being judemental or pushy with her faith, but we’ll see. Mayte is gorgeous as well and does seem very grounded for living a Hollywood lifestyle. Jessica is a mess (Messica?) and Andrea, hmmm, I liked her when she didn’t talk too much.
Yeah I don’t think I’m going to watch this, but I’ll read the recaps.
What’s a vagina rejuvenation? I would google it but I’m scared about what might pop up.
I checked out Mayte IMDB page and her biggest role was being on Army Wives for 6 episodes. She also was on an episode of Psych. If you any of you watch that she plays the girl Gus gets matched with in the Speed dating/Naked guy in the field episode.
“Well she’s had a Jose, she might as well move on to a Jesus.” I snorted Pepsi out my nose, I truly did. Which hurt like heck, but I’m still strangely appreciative.
xoxo
Vaginal Rejunivation, according to the show, plumps up the “area” and makes it all smooth and one color… Now I can think of many areas I need plumping but that is not one;) I’m not trying to brag here either
What did she do to her vagina that it needs to be plump? Or is this a sex a thing because I didn’t know guys liked plump vaginas. I thought their main requirements were it not being stretched out.
They never really explain why she needed it other than to say the procedure makes it “look younger” honestly unless you’re a porn star, I don’t understand what the point is…
I would love to have a friend like Andrea.
She’s fun!
Jesica….eff.
I have always theought Nicole was beyond gorgous.
Mayte is married to Eric Benet? Damn.
Ithink I’m going to have to find a way to see this. That…um…reconstructive surgery has me curious.
I’m thinking, however, that if I want a part of me to look better, that isn’t the one I’d think of first.
@SSC: Have you given http://www.1channel.ch a try? They stream a lot of reality shows…I don’t even need cable! lol
Wasn’t Jessica on Baseball Wives? That was kinda boring to me. I don’t know there’s something about her look that says CRAZY.
After reading all the comments, one was a little confusing to me. It sounded like someone was saying that Mayte was/is married to Eric Benet — I couldn’t decipher if the comment was saying “IS” or “WAS” married to him. So, I was a bit curious about who Eric Benet is (or was) married to other than Halle Berry and did a little research because it just didn’t sound logical to me that Mayte would be married to Eric Benet and then would be seen dating on the show. At any rate, from what I just read, Eric Benet and Manuela Testolini are married. It appears that the marriage took place in July 2011. Manuela Testolini was formerly married to Prince. And Mayte Garcia was in attendance at the wedding. So, I guess the two former wives of Prince are friends. That may be how the confusion came about, and it was mistakenly thought that Mayte was (or had been) married to Eric Benet. By the way, Mayte was noted as the FIRST wife of Prince in the article I read.