Hollywood Exes Recap: Time to Whoop Some Ash!

We’re baaack! Does it feel like it’s been a whole week? Time again for our new favorite almost-drama. Hollywood Exes.

When last we head from Jessica, she had told Jose (her ex-husband and current douchebag) that he could move in with her and their 15-year-old daughter so that he could “be a parent again.”  This week’s episode opens with Jessica assuring Nicole, while on a walk, on the streets of LA…we didn’t realize anyone walked in LA! But we digress… Jessica is assuring Nicole that she has a whole plan for Jose. “He’s going to clean. He’s going to cook. He’s going to drive. He’s going to help me take care of Josie. He’s going to take her to school. He’s going to make up for the 7 years he didn’t pay child support.” She even has a cabana boy fantasies.  Hey Jose- we hope you kept all those performance enhancing drugs because Jessica will be harder on you than the baseball commissioner!

Nicole agrees with the rest of the world that Jose moving back in is not a good idea. She thinks Jessica can hire better help, including a therapist because none of this is going to end well.  We agree completely as years of reality TV has taught us- you can’t go back, unless it’s on camera…

Sheree has a product that she cooked up in her kitchen 2 years ago and now has a chemist working on the recipe so she can launch it worldwide.

Coming to a store near you, maybe.

Her chemist, David, is not getting it right. He’s been trying for 6 months but since he’s an old, white man, he doesn’t realize just what a problem ash is and how desperately we need it whooped. Sheree says the formula is still too greasy and the scent is off. David says getting the right formula is an art but he could get it right in a few more months when he puts 1-2 people on it starting tomorrow. Sheree is excited to hear this because she wants to be in full production in 2 months. David, who looks terrified, agrees readily. Do you think he’s been sniffing the fumes a little too long?

Mayte can’t wait to tell Sheree and Nicole all about the wacky matchmaker she had come view her house. Nicole can’t understand why Mayte needs a matchmaker. We agree- Nicole, you are way to real for reality TV. Sheree wonders if maybe the matchmaker can see things that they over look because they see them every day.

I love you red solo cup Prince china

Sheree might agree that tea and toast on Prince china might be a bit much. Awww, Sheree, what man wouldn’t want tea and toast on Prince china?! We all know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, served on china representing a marriage to an international sex symbol…ok we see her point. Nicole does NOT like this matchmaker. Who would criticize purple house cleaner?! She immediately starts going through her mental Rolodex to help Mayte find a man. Mayte says “No rush, but yes, rush.” That’s right! Her dogs need a daddy!

Mayte has invited Andrea to her ballet class. Andrea is excited to have found someone she has so much in common with. Someone who has made her feel at home in LA.

Twins, separated at birth?

After the class, Andrea opens up about how badly she loves to dance and how much she misses it and how she needs to take some master classes. Mayte gives her some great advice about where to find master classes. “Go to millenium. It’s where all the celebrities go.”  This is great news to Andrea who has been having trouble finding something new to stress out about so now she can stress over master classes and millenium.

We now join Sheree making the labor of love trek to San Diego. 2-4 hours on the road is taking a physical toll and she wants her husband to move to LA. He, of course, wants her to move to San Diego. God has “clearly spoken” that a wife needs to be with her man. Sheree claims, “It don’t say nothing in the bible about me leaving LA.” It might not say anything like that in the bible, but what does the pre-nup say?

Tues-Sat 9am-2pm. Because the rest of the time she’s praying or driving to San Diego.