Hollywood Exes Recap: Time to Whoop Some Ash!

Nicole is looking for a man. Not for love but for beads. Apparently he’s an African man, in a van. Down by the river.

If you didn’t think of Chris Farley while watching this part of the show, you weren’t raised right!

Ok, so they weren’t down by the river, they were down by Compton so they brought “Big Sexy” so no-one would mess with them. Nicole and her friend Yolanda, NEED these African beads because that’s what makes their jewelry “special.” Not special enough to pay full price, however.

Big Sexy is a “friend” of Mayte’s. Ever notice how most rich people have “friends” who are on the payroll? A tip from all us little people- if you have to pay them , they’re not your friends. They are also not bullet proof and neither is Nicole’s Mercedes so they get the F out of there and quick!

Mayte and Sheree are taking a hike up a hill. Mayte reveals that her dog is pregnant, this reminds her of her short-lived period of being a mother (no pun intended, ok, maybe a little intended). Hard to be funny and snarky here folks so we’re going to take a cue from Mayte and just walk away.

Tony is making Andrea some tea so she won’t stress over Millenium. Too late. She is worried because she doesn’t want to be in the “broke-down dance in the alley studio. No Ma’am! She will go home!” She says Tony needs to get his ass in high gear to get her into Millenium. He needs to sell her to Millenium. And get it done quick before she falls apart.

Jessica and Nicole meet up at a Tequila bar that one of the producers must own because they name it and show the front several times. They start hitting the shots and swap engagement stories. Eddie Murphy never mastered the romantic comedy on-screen or off- he apparently handed Nicole a ring in bed and said, “Let’s get married.”  Really?! Gumby could have done a better job. But Jessica’s ready to top it. Jose took off his pinky ring and said, “Here, is this what you need?” Wow. No. Solid proof that he’s always been a douchebag. So why has she been so enamoured? She’s been dickmatized. This is a condition where nothing matters except good sex. Jessica reveals that the sex was so good she couldn’t get enough. Especially when she learned how to lean just the right way.

Down Jessica! I do not have a pinky ring.  

The time has finally come for Tony to take Andrea to the Millenium. She’s very nervous. It seems that Tony should be the nervous one because he will be the one who picks up the pieces if she doesn’t get it. This makes him a little edgy and aggressive toward Robert, the owner, telling him that he will work “side by side” with him to get people in the class. We have never tried this tactic on a job interview, but it obviously works because she gets offered the chance to teach there  Hopefully the celebs are looking for a pole-dancing class because that’s what Andrea has mastered. 12 years with R Kelly taught her some skills.  Andrea then nearly ruined all Tony’s hard work by breaking down again.  Tony’s right, girl, don’t sweat the small stuff. Although he might be talking about his paycheck….

Man- I need to get PAID! 

Surprise, surprise! Jessica’s going to therapy. The session is with “Dr Michelle” in the doctor’s home. Seems a little shady to us but whatever. Jessica explains her relationship with Jose to the therapist. She goes over the lying and the cheating and the hurt. “It was hard for a lot of years.” See? Dickmatized. It’s all she thinks about. She also admits that she might have always been in love with Jose, even through her second marriage (husband 2 is yet to be named). She might even still love him now. The doctor doesn’t want her to put herself in any more vulnerable positions. The doctor needs to take our master class on Dickmatization.

Smile! You’ve been Dickmatized…

All the ladies are getting together at Nicole’s jewelry trunk show at a place called Church. It will mean a lot to Nicole that all her friends like her jewelry; translation, they better bring their wallets. Nicole confesses that she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life “just being Eddie’s ex.”  Someone better tell the text editors to stop flashing “Eddie Murphy’s ex-wife” on the screen every time Nicole is on- she doesn’t like labels and her fiancée is HUGE!

Of course the jewelry is a hit and the ladies are all shocked at Nicole’s talent (which she took as a compliment). They are all trying to decide if they want to buy some and Sheree asks for a family discount or at least layaway…well, she is paying a lot for gas. Come on Terrell- move already, your woman needs some new beads!

These aren’t your Mama’s African beads! 

Mayte takes Andrea to the beach to talk and relax. Andrea’s still stressed out because she just wants to dance. Of course, it wouldn’t be a show without tears from Andrea. But Mayte trumps her sob story with her dead baby. So now they’re both crying and Mayte says “I love coming to the beach because if I see a dolphin- it is on!”

Girl! We know what you mean! 

 Jessica asks to meet Mayte and Sheree so she can break the news that her storyline has already ended. Jose got a job with an independent league in Boston so he’s not moving in. Mayte becomes our new favorite when she flat-out calls him a douchebag.

Coming up next week: the douchebag blames Jessica. And the ladies take a trip to Napa. Andrea will have a breakdown over her phobia of take-off. We kinda get it- we have a phobia about crashing…

Well, Gasmii? Do you have a favorite yet? Are you ready for some real drama? How badly do you want to leave a pinky ring scar on Jose’s forehead? Tune in next week and join us, until then- Cheers!

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