Horrorgasm: Fear

Hi Gasmii!  Since we all have made it through another week, I’ve decided to celebrate and deem this day Fear Friday.  As you may have noticed, the weekend usually brings a recap of one of a crappy horror film out of my extensive collection of crappy movies.  Well, I decided to take a little artistic license this week and review the movie Fear.  It doesn’t meet the typical Horrorgas prerequisites because 1.  It isn’t a crappy movie in the slightest…well not to anyone who was a teenage girl in the 90′s it’s not. and 2. It is more of a thriller than slasher but whatevs.

So Fear is extremely special to me and probably makes it onto my top 10 list of all time favorite movies for purely nostalgic reasons.  Home Alone, Inglourious Basterds, The Departed, and Clueless are also on the top 10, so don’t be so quick to judge, people.  I have eclectic tastes.  Anyway, Fear came into my life for the first time at a sleepover when I was 13 or maybe 14.  We all had real teenage adolescent girl boners for Mark Wahlberg so of course we had to see what all the fuss was about in this movie.  Needless to say, with plenty of face-sucking, roller coaster finger-banging, illicit midnight sexual encounters, and overall stalker rage, we were not disappointed.  It was like pornography for 13 year olds.

Needless to say, Fear became a staple at every slumber party since.

We open over shots of a busy freeway and a city that looks like Seattle.  It’s pretty woodsy and granola looking so probably somewhere in the Northwest.  The house that our family lives in is incredible, huge and sitting right on the edge of a lake.  I am always jealous of houses and apartments in movies because they are always amazing.

Nicole, played by a young, elfin, Reese Witherspoon is in the shower getting ready for school.  Dad aka Mr. Walker aka Gil Grissom is sprinting around the property.  Mr. Walker is portrayed by William Petersen who actually used to be kind of hot back in the day…

…but now all I can picture him as is Gil Grissom, who is decidedly not hot.  The whole bugs thing really weirds me out.

Nicole comes downstairs dressed for school in a dress that’ll allow her plenty of air flow around her girly bits, white ruffly socks, and Mary Janes.  Nicole, you are in fucking high school in the Northwest.  Put on a goddamn flannel and some Doc Martens and stop parading around as jail bait.  Do you want to end up in the back of a van?  Didn’t think so.

Understandably, Gil is a little disturbed by her outfit, probably because he knows all his pervy middle-aged friends would bang his daughter in a heart beat.  Stepmom Laura, played by Amy Brenneman, tries to be cool and tells Gil to lay off and let Nicole wear what she wants.  Younger brother Toby wanders in blowing a dog whistle, summoning the family German Shepard.

Gil arrives at work, where we see he was an architect before becoming an eccentric, socially inept crime scene investigator.  Now that sweet house on the lakefront makes sense.

At school, Nicole is hanging out with her friend Gary out front, waiting on her slutty friend Margo, played by Alyssa Milano, to arrive.  She finally shows up, strutting in an outfit that would make the mid-90′s proud.  I kind of love Alyssa Milano because she seems sort of trashy in real life and if one thing’s for certain, I’m all about the trash.

The three take off to a coffee shop nearby to get some food before school starts.  Nicole is concerned about being late but her friends tell her to pull the stick out of her ass.  The coffee house is packed like a night club, which always confused me because isn’t it like 7:30 in the morning?  I can barely string a sentence together at 7:30 am.

Anyway, the music is pumping, cigs are lit, and some patrons are participating in a pool game.  Don’t these people have anything better to do this early?  Like maybe sleep or go learn something in class? I grew up on the east coast, so maybe I’m not in the know about how things work out in the Northwest, but the coffee shops I hit up in the morning before class in college were full of barely awake young adults clamoring for their caffeine fix and mumbling their way out the door in a fog of hangover.

Margo lays her eyes on a really unattractive fellow playing pool named Logan and molests him with her eyes.

Nicole sees David, played by the God-like Mark Wahlberg, also playing pool, who is attractive all on his own but magnified by 1000 when he’s standing next to Logan.

God, I could write this whole recap just about the fashions inthis flick.  Mark’s wearing a skin tight black shirt tucked into jeans with a black belt.  He actually looks really good even for today’s standards but the shirt might be a little overkill on the “Check out my guns” scale.

The girls get handed a flyer for an upcoming rave.  Margo wants Nicole to come but she’s got plans already for a family outing to see James Taylor.  Call me old-fashioned but that sounds right up my alley.

Mark also gets handed a flyer for the rave and fist bumps Logan as if to say, “Yo, let’s pah-ty it up tonight.”  He sees Nicole looking at him and smirks to himself confidently.  I would be smirking too if I could make panties drop with the blink of an eye.  Except I’m a straight woman, so it might not be as rewarding a super power to me as it would to, say, a sixteen year old guy.

Margo and Nicole lay by the pool at Margo’s house and Margo talks about more guys again. In order to spare any confusion, I’m going to be blunt. Margo is a gigantic slut.

She still tries to get Nicole to come to the rave again but Nicole’s dad arrives to pick her up.  Driving down the road, Nicole pouts about having to go see James Taylor.  Nicole is an ungrateful wench.  She wouldn’t be in this whole mess if she’d just shut the hell up and go see James Taylor, rather than trip on E and  let some strange triple-nippled guy feel her up at a rave.  Anyway, Nicole is in luck!  Work calls Mr. Walker away (I’m going to stop calling him Gil, because while that may be his name to P-Baby, it’s not his name for the next 90 minutes) to a client dinner in Vancouver in 3 hours, rendering him unable to attend the show.

After being such a bratty bitch about going to James Taylor, Nicole then flips out about not being able to go to the concert and storms off to get ready for the rave with Margo.  If I ever give birth to P-Baby spawn, when I offer to take them to see Def Leppard and Styx, they will go and THEY WILL LIKE IT.

It’s rave time baby!  Nicole and Margo arrive and we are treated to a bunch of crowd shots of out of control party people, including a couple of pretty dudes going to town on each other’s tonsils.  I remember back in 1996 when I was a young teen that my friends and I couldn’t believe that two guys would make out so publicly.  The horror!  Then I went to college and my best gay would regale me with stories of giving BJs in the attic of a fraternity house, rendering a make out sesh pretty tame in comparison.

They make their way through the crowd and everyone is decked out in their finest 90s babydoll crop tops, high waisted jeans, chokers, and chunky boots.  Margo spots Logan in the crowd and starts dry-humping him on the dance floor. Seriously, does Margo even know this guy?  Why has he of all people become her chosen one?  He looks like the love child of Rip Torn and Justin Bobby .

Nicole bumps into Mark looking scrumptious in a plaid, wide collar, button down.  What a fancy pants.  He is totally doing the eye-smoldering thing that Robbie P. and Tay-Tay L. have taken so much to, except Mark is a man’s man, a little rough around the edges, and totally pulls it off.  Edward and Jacob should really be taking notes on how to be hot, eye-fuck, and actually act.

They exchange names and play grab ass until police bust in to break up the party.  Margo escapes with Logan.  David leads Nicole out of harms way when ravers start trashing the place and they escape to a park but not before he feels her ass up while going down a ladder.

They sit and talk for awhile on a bench, about family and crap.  He tells Nicole his parents are still together and he talks to them all the time while she talks of her parents divorce and remarriages.  Nicole tells David she needs to get home and he winds her watch back a half hour to extend their date.  Nicole is a total prude.  If I was out with a hot stranger like David, we’d already be halfway to Vegas.  It’s a wonder that I’m not writing this from some psychopath’s trunk of a car.  They start making out and David totally grabs Nicole’s boob.  A tad forward, but he’s probably not used to being turned down.

Nicole gets home late and claims her watch broke when step mom Laura yells at her.  She tells Nicole she looks like a slut, which pisses off Nicole.  Honey, if you can’t take the heat, then don’t spackle on the street walker make-up and wear a hand towel as a skirt.

Mr. Walker talks to Nicole about her getting back so late and goes pretty easy on her about the whole thing.  I used to have to call and beg my parents to stay out past 11 on a weekend night.  I would probably still be grounded and living in the basement practicing the cello 8 hours a day if I ever came home at 2 AM without calling first.  My mom is Asian after all.  They don’t fuck around.

Nicole tells her Dad she was out with a guy and he immediately says that he thinks he should meet this guy.  Nicole says no.  Her punishment is kitchen duty and taking out the trash for two weeks.  Or the equivalent to what all grown ups and homeowners call everyday life.  Whenever I was grounded, my parents really used to stick it to me where it hurt.  No Gameboy or TV.  Now that sucks.

Next is a montage of Nicole getting picked up after school by David, playing pool with David, making out in an alley on the street.  I’ve got to say that as hot as Mark Wahlberg is, he looks like he might be a horrible kisser.  I’m surprised Nicole hasn’t suffocated during these exchanges as his mouth is covering both her nose and mouth simultaneously.  Gross but kind of impressive.

I totally meant to mention this earlier but the soundtrack for this movie kicks so much ass, largely in part to Bush.  The song selection and placement throughout the movie are fantastic.  Also props to The Sundays for their cover of Wild Horses.  Susan Boyle can suck a wiener.

David tells Nicole he wants to meet her family and she wets herself with excitement.  At the Walker residence, David introduces himself to everyone and pretty much appears to be quite an upstanding gentleman.  He even pets the dog. Mr. Walker sits in his office while Nicole and Margo flit around the house getting ready for another evening out with David.  Margo comes into the office and sluts around, bending over and allowing Mr. Walker a significant peak at her ass. While I generally think Margo is a sizable hobag, I can’t fault her for wanting to seduce Mr. Walker.  He’s pretty fly, even if he is her BFF’s dad.

David helps out with chores outside until making his way in to the office to ask Mr. Walker where the bathroom is.  David yells at Nicole to get him a coke and the way he says it raises a mini red-flag in Mr. Walker’s brain.  Just in case you all were wondering about the ongoings of the P-Baby residence, the Mister and I constantly yells this phrase to each other, even if neither of us want a coke because we think it’s funny.  We also yell at one another to rub the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again at random intervals throughout the day.  Our neighbors must be terrified of what kind of devil’s den we’ve created on our side of the house.

David messes with the clock in Mr. Walker’s office, setting it back a half hour so he can keep Nicole out later.  This is to ensure he will have ample finger-banging time at the local amusement park.

And now the time has come.  Easily one of my favorite, if not my all time most memorable scene from a movie from the 90′s decade, along with other esteemed scenes such as “You can’t handle the truth!” and the aforementioned “It rubs the lotion on its skin,” obvi.

This movie and this movie alone is why I still think of sex whenever I hear the song Wild Horses.  If Mr. P-Baby was smart, he’d have this shit on repeat all day and night.  To keep things simple, after grabbing on Nicole’s ass for what seems to be weeks on end, David boldly takes things a step further and finger-bangs Nicole while on a roller coaster ride during a date at an amusement park.  While all this is going on, The Sundays magical version of Wild Horses plays hauntingly in the background.

She reaches her happy place just as the coaster is coming over the top of the hill and down to the bottom.  I bet the guys working at the roller coaster souvenir photo stand took turns whacking it in the back when this one developed.

If you all would like more information on this along with tales of an adolescent P-Baby, I have written a 1000 word essay just on just this movie and what it meant to me growing up, which can be found along with other awkward memoirs in my unfinished, untitled and unpublished book.  So really it’s not a book but an extremely large word document on my desktop that I work on about once a month.  Oh well, one of these days.

Back at the Walker residence, Mr. Walker is finishing up his work for the day and realizes he is going to miss a deadline for a delivery due to his clock being off by a half hour.  Mr. Walker apparently doesn’t wear a watch or have a clock on his computer.

At the carnival, David wins Nicole a peace pipe while Nicole notices Logan staring at her in what can only be described as aggressive leering while simultaneously making out with Margo.  What a creep.  This is the first real indicator things may not be what they seem with these dudes.

Mr. and Mrs. Walker decide at this time to take a trip out of town, leaving Nicole and Toby home alone for a little bit.  They tell Nicole not to have anyone over to the house which of course means David is going to be there 4 seconds after they drive away deflowering their not so virginal daughter.

My parents wouldn’t let my high school boyfriend and I alone for more than 15 minutes at a time, and he was about a 5 on a scale from 1-Marky Mark.  (Side note:  I just saw high school ex-boyfriend when I was at home for a wedding and apparently he’s been hanging out with Cary Elwes because dude has been hitting the Ho Hos HARD.)  Meaning, if my high school boyfriend was David, my parents would have only allowed us to communicate through bulletproof glass.

Anyway, Nicole calls David and informs him that her parents are gone and he should come over.  He’s out rolling around with his homies, so she gives him the security code to the house and tells him to stop by later.

After David is done being a hooligan, he goes to Nicole’s house and lets himself in.  He goes through some of the jewelry on her desk, discovering a bracelet that is engraved Daddy’s Girl.  He is amused by this and decides at this time that it’s time to get down and dirty.  He goes to Nicole’s bed and those two knock boots.  This is Nicole’s first time, but I’m quite certain David has been doing the deed since birth.    He also tells Nicole that he loves her.

The next morning David arrives at school to pick up Nicole and sees her giving her friend Gary a hug good bye.  This royally pisses him off and he beats the snot out of him.  Overreact much David?

Nicole tries to stop him and he knocks her out of the way, accidentally hitting her in the face.  She tells him to get away from her and he leaves.  Now Nicole has a big black shiner on her eye which she will of course lie about and dumb, trying too hard to be cool step mom Laura will believe her.  Laura helps Nicole cover up the black eye before she heads off to school.

Nicole and Gary walk through the hall with Nicole declaring she doesn’t ever want to see David again.  This is unfortunate, because David is currently following behind them through the hall. Gary is definitely going to get fucked up really bad before this movie ends.

Nicole finds a note in her locker from David apologizing and asking to meet him after school.  Does Nicole not wonder where David goes or what he does all day? He clearly is too old to be in high school, unless he happens to attend school in Beverly Hills or with that whiny, 30 year old brat Dawson Leery.  She doesn’t show for the meeting, which may be the first smart thing she has done all movie.  I won’t hold my breath for this smart streak to last much longer.

Finally, we see a glimpse into David’s real life.  He lives in what can only be described as a crack den masquerading as a typical suburban two story family home.  I know shit is about to get real because Machinehead is blaring in the background.  That is such a kick ass song and really gets my butt moving on the treadmill when I need to run off another donut.

David is upstairs in his room all pissed off with his hands down his pants.  His room is…minimalist I guess, with only blown up pictures of him and nicole sucking face adorning his walls, tacked up right alongside his mugshot.  It also appears as though he sleeps on a military cot with one of the standard issue wool blankets.  David could use a little David Bromstad in his life.

At the Walker home, Nicole receives a dozen roses from David which she throws in the trash.  That evening, the parents hear Nicole crying in her room and she spills the beans about David beating up Gary.  Mr. Walker spots the empty condom wrapper on her floor and is quite upset.  He tells Nicole that from this point on she’s going to toe the line and that he doesn’t like David one bit.

Now because Nicole knows Mr. Walker doesn’t like David, she decides her next move will be to passive aggressively reignite their relationship.  She goes out to the trash and retrieves the note from the roses, seeing that it is a photobooth strip of her and David kissing.

The next day, Nicole and Margo are poolside as Nicole fills her in on the accidental hit to the face, which Margo brushes off like, “Ehh, no biggie.”  Not only is Margo a slut, but she is just an absolutely horrible friend.  She tricks Nicole into finding out that her and David are sleeping together, telling Nicole she’ll always remember her first.

I couldn’t find a decent picture of Margo poolside, only Nicole, so just go with it, people.

David and Logan show up at the pool, surprising the girls.  Nicole makes a quick exit but David manages to catch her before she takes off in her jeep.  He apologizes profusely and makes all the typical excuses for his behavior.  Look, Nicole.  Take a guy back if he forgot a lunch date, maybe forgets to call when he says he will, forgets your iced skinny vanilla latte one day, etc.  Don’t take a guy back when he beats your best guy friend into oblivion while also laying a nice one on you.  He just might not be marriage material, that’s all I’m saying.

Mr. Walker arrives home from work to discover David at the pool with Nicole and Laura.  Mr. Walker is not at all happy about this arrangement.

He decides to do a little digging about David and finds out that he’s been lying about his family life, and instead has been bouncing around to different foster homes until being kicked out at 18.  Laura doesn’t find this strange at all because she is blinded by David’s pectoral muscles.  Mr. Walker is the only one that hasn’t fallen under David’s spell and is creeped out by the guy.

Mr. Walker drives to Nicole’s school one day and spots David, deciding to confront him.  He tells David that he is to stop seeing Nicole.  David gets in Mr. Walker’s face and tells him that he’s upset because Mr. Walker feels inadequate and overall has Mr. Walker’s number completely.  It’s totally awesome.  Mr. Walker pokes David in the chest, threatens to rip his balls off drives off.  David starts beating himself in the chest extremely hard.  The first time I saw this movie, it was a definite “WTF?” moment, but it all makes sense in a minute.

David drops Nicole off after a date, though he tempts her to go home with him.  She declines, but quickly changes her mind as soon as David drives away.  She jumps in her Jeep and drives to his place.  Once there, she sees something of a party going on.  Through a window, she sees Margo once again dry-humping Logan in the middle of the party.  This is no exaggeration on P-Baby’s part.  She is literally dry-humping him in front of strangers wearing lingerie with a look of bliss on her face.

David walks up behind them and grabs Margo, forcing her to go upstairs with him for some lovin’.  Nicole is witness to this exchange and she takes off down the road crying.

Oh the chest thing…I guess I wasn’t paying attention but what happens is that David was hitting himself repeatedly in order to bruise his chest.  Then he spun the story around telling Nicole that Mr. Walker either pushed or hit him during their confrontation.  More psychological bullshit making Nicole turn on her dad even more.  But that’s all moot since David fucked Margo.

In the morning, Mr. Walker discovers a note on his door from Nicole, where she has written an apology and declared her relationship with David over.  Oh Nicole, if only it were that easy.

In the interest of saving time, I’m going to combine the next series of events into a numerical paragraph because the overall theme is that David is his name and destroying lives of innocent families is his game.

1.  He tries to talk to Nicole at school and she freaks.  Gary jumps in to protect her, but we already know David is going to fuck up Gary’s world up in about five minutes.

2.  Margo shows up at Nicole’s house asking why she won’t take her calls.  Margo drives away and is almost driven off the road by David who then threatens to kill her if she tells Nicole about their romantic encounter demanding that she fix it.

3.  David shows up at the Walker residence to apologize and Mr. Walker shuts the door in his face.

4.  Nicole 4 Eva happens and it is awesome.

5.  Gary walks home through the woods and David kills him.  Bye Gary.

6.  David shows up at the mall during a family shopping trip and harasses Nicole in the bathroom.

7.  Mr. Walker’s car is destroyed in the parking garage complete with a smarmy note about David popping his daughter’s cherry.

Mr. Walker is PISSED and finds out where David lives from Margo.  He arrives and breaks into the house, basically going on a destructive rampage.  Mr. Walker, it may not be the best idea to piss off a gang of drug-addicted hoodlums.   They tend to err on the side of irrational.  You may want to think this one through.  In David’s room he discovers a pair of Nicole’s undies, and the Daddy’s Girl bracelet from before, though now it is inscribed with David’s Girl.  David’s pack arrives home to discover the mess and are ready to kick some Gil Grissom ass.

Back at the Walker’s, life goes on as normal.  Unbeknownst to them, David and Co. are outside waiting to stage an attack.   Margo shows up sobbing.  She is the bearer of bad news, informing Nicole of Gary’s death.  The family German Shepard runs outside and is lured by the waiting group while Toby blows on the dog whistle inside.  Bad news, Toby.  German Shepard’s head has been severed and delivered through the doggie door.  Time to get nasty!

Phone lines are cut, alarm system is off, and uh oh…David knows the security code!  Mr. Walker arrives just in time to slam the door shut on David. Second favorite part in the movie time now (it actually takes place at the peephole of the Walker home but again, Google images is totally not giving me the hook up tonight):

I do believe a simple knock on the door with some polite begging woul dhave been more effective, David.

The gang start trying to break in any way they can but everything has been built with reinforcement.  Nicole, Margo, and Toby run upstairs to Nicole’s room while Mr. Walker and Laura stay downstairs.  The gang keeps bashing and banging on things until everything goes quiet all at once.

We then see one of the guys using a hand drill to cut through the glass door but Mr. Walker breaks his hand.  Logan is trying to batter the door down and is coming close to succeeding….Alright, again, in the interest of saving time, these dudes manage to get into the house and take Mr. and Mrs. Walker captive.

David sends Logan to find Nicole and is really angry when he finds Logan assaulting Nicole, shooting him in the head.  David then threatens to kill Mr. Walker because he wants Nicole to himself.  If only David hadn’t been born chemically imbalanced.  He and Nicole would have lived happily ever after rather than this scenario where he is holding her family at gun point.

Just as he is about to kill Mr. Walker, Nicole stabs David in the back with the peace pipe that he won for her at the fingering carnival.  This gives Mr. Walker enough time to jump up, fight, and throw him out the second story window, ending the showdown.  Hugs ensue.  Nicole is left with a crippling impulse to Google every single person she comes in contact with for the rest of her life.  The end.