Horrorgasm: I Know What You Did Last Summer

Hi Gasmii!  It’s that time of the week already!  I don’t know about you all but it is hot as hell outside at the P-Baby abode which serves as an excuse for me to sit in my underwear eating popsicles on the couch all day.  Since I seem to be stuck in the 90′s as of late, this week’s Horrorgasm  is the Jennifer Tits Hewitt/Freddie Prinze Jr. masterpiece I Know What You Did Last Summer.   Boy, I bet those two crazy kids wish that it was the late 90′s again when Can’t Hardly Wait and She’s All That were tops at the box office.  Instead, Jennifer’s latest project has her playing a massage therapist hooker with a mild cocaine addiction (which oddly doesn’t sound like that much of a stretch) and Freddie’s most current role is Sarah Michelle Gellar’s bitch.  (Side note:  While I may snark a bit on old Fred here, I must say that I never expected him and Sarah to turn love on a the set of a crappy slasher into an 8 year marriage and cute baby daughter.  Hat’s off to you for beating the odds thus far.  That said, I’ll eat my right hand if Sarah did’t dabble in a bit of the Ryan Phillipe long dong on the set of Cruel Intentions.)  Also, it was streaming on Netflix Instant Play which=awesome!

As we open across a picturesque cliffside with waves smashing, some generic rock music plays in the background as we see a winding road and some random dude drinking, sitting cliffside looking like he is contemplating a jump.  I’d probaby jump too if I was wearing overalls.

Fireworks and balloons go off celebrating the 4th of July and we are now at the scene of a beauty pageant.  I couldn’t quite make out the banner of what  the  winning title was so let’s just call it the Miss Krusty Krotch pageant.  Sarah Michelle Gellar is one of the finalists and we see her field a pageant question wearing the top of the line from Kathy Ireland’s swimwear collection.  She does fair better answering her question than this bitch did.

Sarah blathers on about her desire to be a serious actress while Freddie, Tits McGee and Mr. Witherspoon watch from the balcony.  It looks like for the sake of the movie, Ryan and Sarah are a couple while Tits does what she does best, sitting there smiling like a virgin with 90′s bangs.   Sarah wins the pageant and I bet Ariel and Sebastian are frantic with worry as to where the rest of the Mermaid Kingdom suddenly disappeared to.

Ryan is about a billion times more celebratory for this victory than when Reese took home the Best Actress Academy Award.  Mr. Pouty Face should really check the ego at the door, because the closest he’s going to get to Oscar is when Reese lets him use the shitter and he has to walk past the mantle.

Following Sarah’s win, the kiddies hit up a party.  Tits and Sarah cruise the party like the 90′s queens they are and Tits gets hit on by Johnny Galecki, who is forever in my good graces for playing Rusty Griswald in Christmas Vacation. Johnny is a total creeper here though, so Tits gets a pass on blowing him off.  Tits looks just like how I remember her in her hey day, all wide-eyed and stringy-banged with cleavage galore.

Ryan interrupts Johnny’s attempt at bodily fluid exchange and proposes a toast to their upcoming summer of immature decadence.  Ha, what a coincidence.  Ryan lives like that in real life too!  Talk about world’s colliding.

Johnny and Ryan get into a bit of a scruff, which Freddie promptly breaks up.  Then Sarah entices Ryan by taking a stroll down to Dawson’s Cove.  Kevin Williamson sure has a boner for the name Dawson.

Ryan drives like a bat out of hell along the the Dead Man’s Curve we saw earlier in the beginning of the movie.  I’d like to state that right now at 9 minutes into the movie, I still have no idea what the main characters’ names are.  It may be because Mr. P-Baby is chattering next to me about Big Brother and the Chenbot or it may be because I don’t really care.  Probably a smattering of both.

Anyway, the lovebirds tell scary stories around a fire on the beach while drinking Peach Schnapps and the story is about some fool getting decapitated with a hook.  Mind-numbing arguing ensues.  Mr P-Baby would like to interject his two cents at this moment.

Freddie lectures us about urban legends stemming from some real life incident while Ryan and Sarah get busy filling their asscracks with sand.  Meanwhile, Freddie and Tits chastly hold hands and express their understanding of one another.  Tits is sad because Freddie is going off to college and she’s afraid he’ll forget her.  Don’t be ridiculous Tits.  Flash the girls and you’re made in the shade.

Tits lets Freddie get a couple squeezes in while some alternative accoustic singing goes on.  After sufficient copulation has occurred, Ryan reluctantly hands over the keys to his car since he’s blitzed.  Freddie drives but gets distracted by Ryan’s emotional reading of I Have A Dream.

Well, obviously something bad was bound to happen as these things go and Freddie drills someone that unfortunately happened to be wandering in the middle of the road at night.   I say if you’re dumb enough to be there in the first place then you should be prepared to suffer the consequences, but I also don’t believe in exacting revenge dressed like Satan’s fisherman with a hook.

The car spins out of control and Ryan’s first concern is his the condition of his bumper.  Ehh, dead bodies, vengeful psychos, no big deal as long as the Beamer’s fine.  They think the cause of the accident is a deer until Tits discovers a rubber boot on the side of the road.  They take off trying to find the injured party and the first of many Tits screams occurs when they discover a body a little further up the way.

Freddie checks his pulse and judging by the meat sauce the guy’s face has turned into, it’s decided he’s dead.  Heated conversation about what course of action they should take follows this diagnosis.  It goes a little something like this.

Freddie: (Wide-eyed stare, look scared) Uh oh guys.  I think this gentleman is dead.

Ryan:  Dude, I’m fuckin’ wasted man, I ain’t going down for this.  Yo Sarah, let’s bail.

Sarah:  Weeeeeeeeeee!  I’ve got a tiara! Glitter!  Ponies!

Jennifer:  Ok guys, calm down.  We can call the cops.  I’ll take the fall for the alcohol and dead guy.  After I let old Sherriff Saggy Sack motorboat the girls in the holding cell for awhile, he’ll let me go scott free.  No biggie.

Freddie: (Wide-eyed stare, look brave)  No, Jennifer.  I will not let that happen.  I guess it will be declared manslaughter.  I will do the right thing and own up to driving.

Ryan: You fuckers can do whatever you want but I’m out.  Sarah, get your hot little ass over here and let’s roll.

Sarah: PUPPIES! DIAMONDS!! RAINBOWS!! La la la la la!

Jennifer:  Jesus Christ.  Throw the the fucker over the cliff.

Just as this conversation is taking place, Creeper Johnny pulls up beside them on the road.  Tits runs over to ensure he doesn’t suspect anything and blames their halt on Ryan’s puking to avoid soiling the car.  Johnny is still  creepy and continues on his way after giving Freddie a hard time.

So after all that, these assholes decide the best option is to throw the dead guy is some random body of water.  But before they do this, Tits suggests checking to see if he has a wallet for some form of identification.  Sarah bends down to check him and the dead guy isn’t dead after all.  He snatches her tiara off her head and falls into the water.  Sarah loses her shit so Drunk Ryan decides to jump in the  murky water after the guy they just hit with a car who we now know to be alive to retrieve it for her.  Ryan, next time, come see P-Baby.  For $5, access to Michael’s, and a glue gun, you got yourself a tiara.

So as we all know, the dead guy is actually alive, really pissed off, and can hold his breath for a freakishly long amount of time.  The Mensa founders wander off and vow to never speak of this evening again.  Good thing this happened in 1997.  You know Jennifer “Yeah, I dated Jamie Kennedy” Love Hewitt would be all over that Twitter as soon as she got home if this happened in 2010.

JLoveTits:  Just had a crazy night with @BuffyPrinzeJr.  Hope @It’sPhil-i-pee’s car is ok!  I’m sure that guy we hit will be fine.

So something gets left behind on the dock and for the life of me I can’t see what it is.  Help me out Gasmii!  I even took to the IMDB I Know What You Did Last Summer message boards and couldn’t find it.  Anyway, for shit’s sake let’s just say it was Tits’s Social Security card.   The clock count is 23 minutes and I’ve now discovered Tits’s name is Julie and RyDouche’s name is Barry.  I think we’ll go with the originals, shall we?

One year later and Tits is now a proud college student, though still rocking those unfortunate bangs.  Tits is at the end of her freshman year and about to return home for the summer.

Tits is reluctant to go home and has trouble eating, making conversation, and generally behaving normally.  Her mom thinks she’s on drugs because she’s lost weight and looks awful.  I lost a bunch of weight my freshman year of college but I chalk it up to a mild case of mono and a year long addiction to hard boiled eggs.

While in the den, Tits finds a letter for her with no return address.  She opens it, and it’s quite cryptic, to say the least.

Tits is taken aback and spends the rest of the evening sitting in the dark staring at the letter pondering its origins.

The next day, Tits and her overalls pay a visit to a store owned by Sarah’s sister, played by Bridgette Wilson.  Tits is looking mighty fresh today, I must say.  As is the rest of the crew for that matter.

Tits finds Sarah, who is apparently named Helen (really?  Helen?) and this is the first time they’ve seen each other in a year.  Tits shows Sarah the note and the ladies rack their miniscule brains as to who could possibly know.  Cue RyDouche.

So as much as I think Ryan is a total wiener, he redeems himself slightly by informing the two harpies that they look like shit run over twice.  Awesome.  Apparently Sarah and Ryan are no longer fuck buddies so he’s not exactly thrilled to see them.  Tits reveals to Sarah and Ryan that the guy they so callously left behind was named David Egan and he was found three weeks later after his body was caught in a shrimp net.  They ask Tits about Freddie and she tells them they broke up as well.  That’s sad.  If Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr. ever procreated in real life, their offspring would be the Jack Nicholson of the Lifetime Movie Network.

Anyway, Ryan deduces that Creeper Johnny could possibly know about the hit and run and decides to pay him a visit at Johnny’s place of work, a fishery (I guess that’s what it’s called where fish are caught and gutted.)  Ryan tells Johnny that he’ll kill him if he finds out that he sent the letter or if he tells anyone else while threatening him with a huge fish hook.  Attaboy Ryan.  Way to play it cool.

They pay Freddie a visit, who has gone on to become a fisherman over the past year.  Freddie asks to talk to Tits alone and he blows the letter off as Johnny just screwing around.  He’s pretty cavalier for the fellow who was at the helm of this whole debacle.  I’d be shitting my pants if I was about to be blackmailed and/or gutted with a hook.

Back to Johnny, who is hard at work shucking oysters or some shit with sea creatures.  Since Johnny is a side character and we’re 38 minutes into a slasher where no one has died, Johnny gets a fishing hook to the neck.  Ladies and gentleman, we have a killer!

Back with Ryan, he takes out some aggression on a punching bag, which basically serves as another reason for the writers to keep Mr. Phillippe in a tank top or shirtless.  Cue gym shower scene.

So shirtless Ryan finishes up in the shower and walks back to his locker to discover a polaroid of his car with “I Know.” scrawled on the bottom.  I guess we can chalk Ryan up as a believer now.

He also discovers his jacket is missing from his locker and runs outside the gm just in time to see his precious BMW get stolen.  The driver of the BMW commences chasing Ryan down the road, running him over and smashing him into a pile of old crates and glass.

Ryan survives this crash (Crash of marriage to Reese, well I’d say he’s still recovering.) and we finally see an image of what this crazy killer looks like, albeit upside down.  He threatens Ryan with his hook but decides to let him live.

So later on everyone gathers in Ryan’s hospital room as he recovers from his accident.  It goes a little something like this.

Jennifer:  I told you that you all should have just let me handle the cops.  Now Babyface is all banged up and no one can see my jugs in this sweater.

Freddie: (Wide-eyed stare, look insistent yet scared)  Guys, I really think we should just turn ourselves in.  This has gone way too far.  I will go tell them now.

Sarah:  Ooooooooh, shiny!

Ryan: Hey fuckers, we’re not telling anyone.  We  find out who David Egan rolled with and one of them gots to know something.

Jennifer:  Yeah, ok.  And if they don’t want to talk, I’ll let my girls do the talking.

Freddie:  I don’t know if that will work.  I really think we need to just end this now.

Sarah:  Bouncy bed, bouncy bed, and bouncy bouncy bouncy.

Jennifer:  Christ almighty.  Let’s fucking go already.

Sarah and Jennifer take to the internet to look up David Egan.  They end up discovering some newspaper articles and find out he has a sister.  Pinky and The Brain decide it would be a good idea to pay her a visit.

The two manage to navigate their way to the Egan household and Sarah wisely warns Tits that they could easily end up in a well.  No one answers the door when Tits knocks, so they go around to the side of the house bumping into Creepy Anne Heche.  Anne Heche definitely weirds me out in real life, so I suppose this role is perfect for her.

Tits lies and says her car is broken down, asking to use the phone indoors.  While inside, Sarah discovers a trench coat hanging on the back of a door.  And we’ve now located red herring # 1.

Anne introduces herself as Missy, and Tits plays dumb, asking if Missy has any siblings.  She tells her about David dying the summer prior and Tits continues to pry, asking about Missy’s living arrangements, other family members, her sex life, medical history, etc.  Tits, lay off with the inquisition, all right?  Missy doesn’t even know you, and is potentially killing your group of friends with a fishing hook.

Missy reveals that a guy named Billy Blue stopped by shortly after David’s death to pay his respects, giving the ladies a much needed clue to the identity of the killer.

After their road trip adventure, Tits drops Sarah off at home to settle in for a good night’s sleep.  Sarah’s Dad watches TV at the same volume Papa P-Baby watches which is just one decibel below a Van Halen stadium concert.  This loud volume allows for the killer to enter Sarah’s home and whisk away upstairs with his hook.

He stows away in her closet which tweaks my childhood phobia like no other and waits while she gets ready for bed.  Sarah’s sister comes in and acts like a bitch for awhile before leaving her alone.  The next morning Sarah wakes up to her tiara on her head and a busted weave that would make Britney proud.  She’s got “Soon” written across her mirror and smashes it to pieces.  Sarah, now not only are you being targeted by a psycho but you just earned yourself 7 years bad luck.  You should really think before acting so rash.

Sarah calls Tits and tells her to get her ass over to her house.  On the way, Tits hears odd noises coming from her trunk and pulls over, only to discover Johnny’s dead body  inside covered in crabs.  The sea crabs, not those pesky pubic crabs, though that’s probably feasible too.  I mean, what do we really know about Johnny’s personal life?

Tits seeks Ryan and Sarah to show them the body but all I can look at is Sarah’s outift.  Then Tits starts yelling to the killer in the famous scene where she’s all “What are you waiting for, Killer?”

Ryan flips out and decides that Freddie must be the killer, going to confront him.  Tweedledee and Tweedleduh stand around watching, though I’m finding it hard to concentrate on anything besides Sarah’s outfit.

It all went down like this:

Ryan: You motherfucker!  You gotta be the killer, cuz nothing bad ain’t happened to you yet.

Freddie:  (Wide-eyed stare, look surprised) What are you talking about Ryan?  I did not do anything.  In fact, I got a letter myself.

Ryan: Fuck that man, a letter.  Sarah got her hair hacked, Tits is cruising around with bodies and crabs in the trunk and I got my ass run over by a psycho in a rain coat.  Your letter ain’t shit.

Sarah: myhairmyhairmyhairmyhairmyhairmyhairwhere’smytiaramyhairmyhair.

Tits: Will you asshats please stop yelling at each other?  You’re making my chest hurt.

So after these losers stop arguing, they decide they’re better off helping each other out.  Tits reveals the name Billy Blue to everyone, and the fact that they went to visit David’s sister.  They look up David Egan in the yearbook and formulate a plan to lure the killer after them back to town in the form of attending a Fourth of July parade.  Tits decides she is going to revisit Missy and have her look through a yearbook to identify Billy Blue by picture.  Good plan Tits.

Sarah sits high on her Krusty Krotch throne waving at all her admirers during the parade and all is well until she sees a trench coated figure in the crowd.  Ryan runs after him and tackles the guy who ends up being some old man who just gets his rocks off by dressing like a total creep during the day.

Tits pays another visit to Missy and once again no one answers the door.  Tits wanders upon a bunch of dead wild turkeys and Missy pops out of nowhere with a knife.

Back at the parade, Sarah looks up and sees the real killer, hook in hand, on a balcony.  She better make the best of her next ten minutes of screen time because her outlook is dismal.

Missy finds out that David Egan actually killed himself and even left a suicide note and Tits’s mind is blown.  After arguing with Missy for a couple minutes, Tits finally rubs two braincells together and realizes the guy they hit is not Missy’s brother David and is someone else altogether.  Sounds like it’s about time for Tits to hand this case over to someone else.

Ryan and Sarah are chilling backstage at the Krusty Krotch pageant while Sarah is spooked by the killer she saw earlier.  She goes back onstage as the previous year’s winner while Ryan watches from the balcony.  Watch out behind you Ryan!  Well, 71 minutes into the movie and the first of our four main cast members gets killed.  Ryan suffers some hooks to the gut and Sarah loses it as she sees it all happening from the stage.  She takes a cop up to the balcony to investigate but Ryan’s body is already gone.  Rent-A-Cop completely misses the dripping blood on the balcony and shoes Sarah away.

Later that night, Rent-A-Cop drives Sarah home while taunting her about her claims of a killer with a hook.  He sure is a dick for a guy who just glossed over an entire crime scene.  He takes her down an alley due to a barricade in the road from the parade.  He agrees to put a search out for Ryan and happens upon the killer having car trouble in the alley.  Rent-A-Cop gets killed and Sarah is now trapped in the back of the cop car.  She manages to bust out with a Buffy kick to the window.  She runs to her store with the killer in hot pursuit.  Now I know Sarah is more capable than she is appearing here.  How else did she kill so much vampire ass for seven years?

Sarah’s twat sister is still at work and lets Sarah into the store.  Sarah is positively losing her mind at this point and I absolutely hate in horror movies when one of the characters knows about a killer on the lose and no one believes them.  It drives me fucking crazy.  Don’t stupid side characters know by now that they need to listen to the psychotic ramblings of their higher billed stars if they want to live?  Bridgette Wilson unfortunately does not heed P-Baby’s advice and gets sliced by the hooked killer fisherman at the back door.  Luckily, Bridgette is married to Pete Sampras in real life, so she’ll be ok in the long run.

Pointless pursuit goes on for the next five minutes or so, but we all know what’s going to happen.

So as Sarah is being attacked, Tits hops on Google and finds out that David Egan had a girlfriend named Susie who was killed in a car accident caused by David.  Susie was survived by her mourning father Ben, who’s occupation is…a local fisherman!

Oh yeah, Sarah gets whacked in an alley.

Tits is frantic after putting it all together and runs to Freddie’s boat.  Tits tries to explain to Freddie the whole story about David and Susie and Ben and he acts totally creepy for no reason at all besides probably wanting another shot at Tits’s chest.  Just as she is about to board the boat, she notices it is named Billy Blue and realizes he is the friend that went to see Missy.  God, just when I thought Tits was growing a brain.  Obviously Freddie can’t be the killer.

She runs away from Freddie who chases after her for a short time only to get knocked out by another random fisherman on the pier.  Tits tells the fisherman she needs to call the police but he directs her to boards his boat to get away from Freddie.  If I’m Tits and I know the killer is a fisherman, the last thing I’m going to do is hop on some strange guy’s boat in the harbor in the middle of the night.  I’m not Tits though and that’s a good thing because Tits just discovered the Wall O’Crazy (see Danny Glover’s apartment Saw) of newspaper clippings and pictures on the boat she just got on.

Tits realizes that the fisherman who just “rescued” her is the killer and she is pretty much fucked unless Freddie gets his act together and chases after her with his boat.  Speaking of which, here he comes!

So Freddie and the killer beat each other up for awhile while Tits releases some chain that is hooked to the mast or something of the fishing boat.  More fighting goes on Freddie gets knocked overboard because Tits distracts him like a dumb slut.  Ok I’ve had enough.  Nothing interesting happens over the course of the next 10 minutes except Freddie climbs back on board and Tits discovers Sarah and Ryan’s body on ice, unleashing more screaming.  Shut the fuck up Tits.  My ears are still bleeding from your sorry excuse for a singing career and I’m still waiting for that medical bill to get paid.

Through a series of boat mishaps, the killer’s hand gets cut off and he gets thrown in the water, allowing for Tits and Freddie to escape, free to torture us with the continuation of their acting careers.

So Freddie tells Tits the whole reason he went to see Missy was because the guilt was eating away at him.  He also says they are in the clear because they never killed anyone.  Hey asshole.  When you run someone over on the road and leave him for dead in a lake, then keep it a secret for a year, that does not = in the clear.  Last time I checked, you idiots are still on the hook for a felony hit and run charge in the state of North Carolina.

Freddie tells Tits he is still in love with her and I officially add new Macbook Pro to my compensation list along with my medical bill since I just vomited all over the keyboard.  God I hate them.

Finally we see Tits as a happy college co-ed once again, jumping in the shower wrapped in a towel.  Christ Tits, put the girls away.

After the shower, Tits finds another note left for her on a bench by a friend who picked up the mail.  Not to worry Tits, it’s just a pool party invite!  Tits goes back into the shower and sees the words “I Still Know” written in steam on the shower door glass.  She looks around just in time to see the killer jumping at her from behind the shower door.  Oh shit!  It’s time for a motherfucking sequel!

That’s all Gasmii!  What’s next?  Keep in mind I am lazy and it’s hot outside so as little exertion as possible to obtain the next movie is the #1 priority!  Love you all!