Hotel Hell Recap: Inns and Outs

By PopePhilly | Thursday, August 16, 2012 | 6:10 am | 29 Comments

Tagged: ari, Fucking Robert, gordon ramsay, Hotel Hell, Juniper Hill Inn, lost alcohol, pigs, RAWR, Windsor Vermont

Gordon’s first stop is find out what the locals think of Juniper Hill. I guess when he said he’d find out what the locals think, he meant that he would talk to one person about the hotel.

The voice of Windsor, VT.

Gordon finds out that this woman feels like she wouldn’t really be welcome at Juniper Hill. She explains that it’s a little high end for the area. However, she would love to have a place like that to go in town.

It’s time for Gordon to head on up to the inn. The first thing he sees is an RV parked out front. Who the hell brings an RV to park in front of the hotel? If you have an RV, you’d probably want to save money and just sleep in there. The inn really does look great. It definitely has a high end feel to it.

I feel like this is another episode of “Million Dollar Listing.”

Gordon makes his way up to the front door. The first thing he notices is that no one has cleared the snow on the front walk. Then he gets to the front door and finds it locked. Inside, we see Robert come to the door and move something away from it. He gets it open just in time to see Gordon walking away. Now, it’s obvious that Robert knew Gordon was coming. He could have done one of two things to prepare for his visit: 1.) Tell Gordon that they don’t use the front door and then explain what entrance he should use, or 2). Move shit away from the door and unlock it! I can’t imagine either of those would be very hard.

As Gordon makes his way around to the back door, Robert informs his staff that Gordon has arrived and they should prepare his room. I have no experience working in the hotel industry. However, I would imagine that it’s probably a good idea to prepare a room BEFORE the guest is walking up to the door. At least Robert has an explanation for using the back door. In the winter, the snow can fall around the front entrance and kill people. It’s a good thing that Robert reassures us that no one has died yet.

No one dying really is the high point of a stay at this hotel.

There really is a lot of stuff in the main room of the hotel. It looks like Robert went a many yard sales and bought everything that someone told him was an antique. This inn has the saddest bar I’ve ever seen. To put that into perspective, the bar I went to in my hometown was called The Shack. This bar is worse than that.

Apparently not kosher martinis.

Robert tells Gordon that they have three rescued pot belly pigs at the hotel. Where the hell are they? Cute animals would be way more fun than talking to Robert. Because of all the antiques, Gordon doesn’t feel comfortable. He feels more like he’s in a museum than a hotel.

You can see Gordon getting more and more annoyed as they enter the dining room. They actually have a table set up at a couch. Instead of the diner being able to push in his or her chair, they have to move the entire table to the diner. That is probably annoying for the people sitting in the other chairs at that table.

This is just too adorable not to include.

Robert informs Gordon that three US Presidents have dined at Juniper Hill. However, he only lists Teddy Roosevelt and Calvin Coolidge. Who was the third? That’s going to bother me for the rest of the episode. Even the hotel’s website only lists those two. The website also mentions that they were named Innkeepers of the Year for 2008-2009 by the VT Chamber of Commerce. In 2010, they also received the Owl Award of Excellence for Best Business in Vermont for Community and Global Outreach. This makes me wonder if the inn really was in shambles before Gordon got here. I guess a lot can happen in two years. I can’t help but wonder if Robert and Ari saw this as an opportunity for free advertising.

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About PopePhilly

Aside from making fun of reality television on a weekly basis, PopePhilly is a legal assistant by day and avid kickball player by night (well, at least on Thursdays). On the nerd front, she is an active member of the forensic speech and debate community. She spends her time judging at tournaments throughout the country and serving on the board of directors for the West Chester University alumni chapter of Pi Kappa Delta (yes, speech nerds get to pretend to be cool by having Greek letters).

29 Comments

1

WishICouldDance

Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:09 am

Those so called “storage units” are (if I’m not mistaken) shipping containers!! They are either 20 or 40 feet long and almost 8 feet wide. He had at least four but I think five of these and they were FULL!! Yeah, the folks on that hoarders show would be in heaven!!

Given the ‘quality’ antiques he has acquired… YARD SALE!!! Then he call sell the containers which are probably worth more than the crap inside or, at the very least, stop paying rent on the things!!

Did Robert EVER hold a job with any sort of responsibility before hooking up with Ari and his money? I honestly don’t remember if they said anything about his background. And what the heck is Ari’s background? Wait! I know!! Maybe he was a customer service rep for my mortgage company!!!
2

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:18 am

Just to clear something up from the minicap thread: I think Robert did say that Ari was Finnish. According to their website, they held a “Finnish Christmas Even Dinner” at the inn. The price was still $59 for three courses.

Robert and Ari also list themselves as “innkeeper’s” and I want to take away their apostrophe privileges.
3

michkabibbles

Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:26 am

barbara looks better than any of the real housewives!
4

kthxbai

Posted August 16, 2012 at 8:56 am

A lot of stuff on this show just doesn’t add up or make any sense. Plus it had a lot of creepy feel to it. That 1 room wasn’t the only thing that stunk.

Even if you scratch out things like editing and being staged and formulas that most shows like this have.

Robert and Ari come off looking like just 2 big lumps of stupid multiplied by crazy. That don’t even want to be running a hotel in the 1st place. So you can’t help but wonder how come they didn’t just do something else.
5

Hbgchick

Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:19 am

Lol at mitchkabibbles, you said it! And she seems a helluva lot more like a person I’d want to hang with, too.

Ahhhh, man. So much to say. First of all, great recap again PopePhilly! But honestly, this whole epi really pisses me off. Love, love, love Gordon, and I get that he needed something “big” to start the season off with a bang but…Gawd. These guys had a whole lot of money at the start (I guess) and through complete living-in-an-RV-while-we-own-a-perfectly-beautiful-property Douchebaggery, coupled with the world’s worst business sense, manged to lose it all and run the place from what looked like something pretty decent into the ground. Then, by some grace of God they get GR to turn it all around for them, on national TV, without really lifting a finger of their own. Anyone know how Gordon picks his locations for his shows? I would NEVER EVER EVER spend a dime in this place unless those two tools were long gone and Barbara was in charge. I’m serious.
6

KartofflMuter

Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:23 am

I agree it is sort of predictable. Actually,what’s predictable is how many idiots there are in the world and how few people with decent ideas exist. You have an Inn. One room stinks. Where do you put put Ramsay? I was surprised the 3 little pigs weren’t sleeping under the bed. But no signs to tell guests where their rooms might be? They never watched Gilmore Girls? There’s got to be some advantage to being gay.
7

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:23 am

@Hbgchick: I would totally go there if it meant I could just hang out with Barbara for a while! She was the best part of the show. She and Ryan should run the business and let Giulian handle the kitchen.

If you go to http://www.juniperhillinn.com you can see that Robert and Ari are still pretty snobby.
8

KartofflMuter

Posted August 16, 2012 at 9:25 am

Pope-absolutely-burn the camper while they sleep-accidentally.
9

Pikey578

Posted August 16, 2012 at 10:20 am

Love Gordon! Love this show! He actually said “moppet” not “muppet” – a simpleton or fool. Which fits Robert rather nicely… Loved seeing Robert and Ari brought down to earth about the actual value of their “antiques.”

Looking forward to the recap of part 2, especially if it is as good as this one.
10

BlueCanary

Posted August 16, 2012 at 10:26 am

Brian cameo! Love it.

And yeah, these dudes are nuts. I’m working on the recap for part two, and still shaking my head over the delusion and denial. Ari is just a stone cold sociopath, and Robert should just go ahead and hire Robyn from HK, because that brand of crazy would fit right into that place. I hear she’s looking for a job!…
11

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 10:56 am

@Pikey578: Thanks for clearing that up. I think in the back of my head I knew that the word “moppet” existed but had a brain fart. Also, I had just watched “The Muppets” before writing this recap. Perhaps it was wishful thinking. Either way, I played the ignorant American this episode!

@BlueCanary: I have a feeling that Robyn and Ari would get along quite well.
12

kthxbai

Posted August 16, 2012 at 11:04 am

And just when you think the whole thing couldn’t make any less sense. Here’s an article from their news. It’s from Feb. After the show had finished up:

Dean said that he learned from Ramsay, a consummate professional, that he needed to demand accountability from his staff.

“I learned what I was doing incorrectly, which he drove home to us, was that I need to be a boss first and a friend second” he said.
13

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 11:34 am

@kthxbai: Robert is a shitty friend too! I would hope that AS A FRIEND he’d want to pay his employees on time.
14

sagittariuskim

Posted August 16, 2012 at 11:35 am

The only president Robert needed to list was Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt is the only awesomeness you need listing anybody else would just undermine his awesomeness.

If they prepare lunch when a guests asks for then why was Julian so thrown off ?

How much did Robert buy the inn for? It doesn’t seem like a cheap place to buy. What was he doing before he bought the inn?
15

speegee

Posted August 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

“I learned what I was doing incorrectly, which he drove home to us, was that I need to be a boss first and a friend second” he said.”

haha. uh. If you mean the part of being a boss where you pay your employees, then absolutely, Robert! I couldn’t agree more!

What a dolt.
16

snowshoecat

Posted August 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

PPhilly, great ‘cap! Love how you let your lust show. Naked Ramsay next time? I’m in.
17

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm

@snowshoecat: Hahaha, thanks! BlueCanary’s minicap lets us enjoy a little of the Naked Ramsay. I’m a single woman, so a gorgeous man who can cook is like heaven to me!

@sagittariuskim: Had it been Teddy Roosevelt riding on a bear, Gordon would have to just walk away defeated.
18

SuburBint

Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm

@ PopePhilly — I totally made the same comment to MisterBint about changing “fucking Robert” from an adjective to a verb. Great minds, etc. We were also extremely curious as to who the 3rd president was. Probably Nixon, and that’s why they don’t brag about it.
19

snowshoecat

Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm

No, Nixon would be nothing to brag about. Yikes!

I’m a married woman, and a gorgeous man who can cook is like heaven to me too. Hubbycat, sadly, doesn’t know where I keep the kitchen.
20

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm

@SuburBint: *High five* to you and MisterBint. It just reminded me of a Demitri Martin joke: “It’s funny how finger puppets sounds OK…as a noun.”

@snowshoecat: “doesn’t know where I keep the kitchen” made me laugh very loudly in my office. Ha! I figure, if he brings home a pizza, that is probably good enough.

I kind of wondered if the third president was someone who is still alive (Bush, Clinton, other Bush, Obama) and does dine there from time to time currently. It might be a security thing then. Also, that might just be my mind used to working in DC and watching the motorcades pass all day.
21

Pyper

Posted August 16, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Ari could always get a job doing the Capital One commericals as the new “Peggy”
22

sagittariuskim

Posted August 16, 2012 at 2:00 pm

@PopePhilly Gordon would try to walk away, but Teddy would then slaughter the bear bare handed (pun slightly intended) and make Gordon cook him some bear burgers.
23

PopePhilly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

@Pyper: Brilliant! That would bring in some extra cash. Ari has GOT to be better than Jimmy Fallon.

@sagittariuskim: I would BEG Flipit to let me recap that episode!
24

chaosbutterfly

Posted August 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I think the people don’t quit because there’s nowhere for them to go. Windsor is a tiny town and is kind of in the middle of the New England wilderness. There probably aren’t a whole bunch of thriving businesses up there. So I’m not sure where they would work if not for the hotel.
A little bit of money coming extra late after you beg for it is probably better than no money at all.

I feel sorry for Robert. Clearly, he grew up poor and is obsessed with owning things that he perceives as luxurious to make up for that. People like that never realize that they are buying junky, shitty antiques until they get their items appraised and find out its all worthless. That happens alot on Hoarders, which might actually be where Robari really belongs.
A few pieces in there looked nice…he had a beautiful desk in one of his storage trailers, but for the most part, that shit is junk. Especially that hideous painting that Ari was going on and on about.

The whole situation is just odd, because these are two grown ass men. One of them had at least a million dollars in severance and retirement, so he can’t be a complete idiot. You would think that between the two of them, they would realize that they need to start opening up the inn to locals, start pricing their rooms and services competitively, and start offloading some of that antique shit. You don’t have to go to business school or be a genius to know that…kids who run lemonade stands and garage sales can figure out those basic principles. And for the staff to quietly take it also odd. I would understand why they wouldn’t want to quit, but I wonder if they ever all got together, went to Robari, and made a real complaint.

And the chef was sad as well. I want to blame Robari because that’s what easiest, but I think he may just be a shitty chef. I think he knows he’s a shitty chef too. The look on his face when Gordon complained about the nasty lunch and then pointed out the charred brisquet that was passing itself off as foie gras said it all. My guess is that he was a prep cook and then when that lady left, he was thrust into a position that he really, seriously wasn’t ready for. Maybe that’s why Gordon didn’t really come down too hard on him.
25

c8h10n4o2

Posted August 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Yay! More Teddy (and Gordon) fans! One of the books that I’m reading at the moment is about the National Parks Service and involves some great descriptions of wrestling and boxing matches in the NY governor’s house and the White House. Gordon & Teddy going at fisticuffs would be pretty awesome, come to think.

And I HATE people who are convinced that their obvious crap is worth a fortune. I’ve done a lot of appraisal work in my time, and arguing with some idiot who is convinced that grandma’s painting that she had in her basement in BFE Kansas since the god knows when is a real Manet oil painting because you “did some lookin’ around on the internet” is hardly the best way for either of us to spend my billable hours. Especially when the piece is a watercolor and dated after Manet died. We call it the “Roadshow Effect”.
26

Pyper

Posted August 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm

@c8hlon402 – I totally agree about the Roadshow effect. Used to go to all these awesome shops and fairs and things were reasonable, until the dreaded Roadshow, dealers then priced themselves out of the water and many out of businesss thinking their stuff was gold, when it was really just old, but as they say, its only worth what someone is willing to pay for it. Do you watch Picked Off ?
27

ChaCha

Posted August 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Having spent over three years working at a five star old-hotel/resort, I got a good taste of what a classy place is all about. This place doesn’t even come close–my tiny condo comes closer! Sure, sure, Gordon shows them how to improve the place, but that doesn’t mean it’ll stay improved. These owners are terrible at being in the hospitality field–guest SERVICES is not part of their oeuvre and probably never will be. I feel terrible for the staff and hope they can find better jobs elsewhere.
28

Annie

Posted August 16, 2012 at 5:38 pm

this episode was just comedy gold. My boyfriend and I were speechless, then we laughed and laughed. Does anyone remember Sebastian from Kitchen Nightmare’s “Sebastians” restaurant….well Ari and Robert made HIM look legit.

And yes i agree, Ramsay in that sweater…** squeeze** adorable
29

c8h10n4o2

Posted August 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

@Pyper: I don’t have cable, so if it’s not on Netflix, I haven’t seen it. I used to get such good deals in little stores on the backroads. I have a cigarette dispenser that’s the same one that Don Draper had on his office coffee table the first couple of seasons for about $15. Those days are sadly gone *sigh*.

Hotel Hell Recap: Inns and Outs

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