Recap: House: As The Worm Turns

So, did anyone even notice there was no recap of last week’s episode of House? Judging from the lack of comments here or in the forums, I’m guessing no. I was traveling, so I didn’t get to see it, but from what I hear I didn’t miss anything. Some gypsy kid swallowed a toothpick. Based on that description, I don’t know if I would’ve recapped it anyway. Although the title would’ve been killer: I’d Like To Buy A Bowel.

Anywho, this episode was back to form, if maybe a little too Hero-ish in the beginning. Sure, House was selfish and overbearing, but Wilson actually toned down his prison bitch persona and Cuddy got laid. Plus we saw the unexpected exit of one of this season’s most-loved characters. (And I’m not not talking about DMo Popo.) Interested? The details await after the jump…Tonight’s episode starts off with a mom and daughter driving through a snowstorm. Mom’s taking her to the hospital to get checked out. Why? Hannah says she just tripped on the ice. Because that’s what mom’s do. Now shut your piehole, girly-girl. You’re only 16, so you’ll do whatever your mother tells you. Unless she tells you to show her your tits. I don’t care how many beads she promises you, that’s just creepy.

Hannah says she doesn’t need Mom to fix every boo-boo. Just bail her out of jail and drive her to the methadone clinic every few weeks or so. No dice. You’re going to the hospital and that’s final. To make matters worse, Mom says she’s going to have a talk with Hannah’s friends. Needless to say, that goes over about as well as EdHill’s attempts to pimp his new site in the forums.

Suddenly, their car is blindsided by another vehicle. And who’s driving that one? Sylar. How do we know this? Because this is what happened to Claire Hannah:

She calls 911 and tells the operator her mom’s hurt, but she’s fine. Hmm, wonder why she neglected to tell the operator that she has a giant hunk of metal sticking out of her leg? Unless it’s just a piercing that we haven’t seen yet. Kids today. I bet she has an “Exit Only” tattoo on her pooper too. Since Hannah appears to have super-powers, I hope that doesn’t mean I’m going to have to sit through one of those awful Hero narrator intros that J-Unit’s always bitching about. Although it might be worth to see Hannah get the top of her head cut off. Or a nip-slip.

At the hospital, House is in the ER looking for Foreman. Suddenly, Foreman’s girlfriend starts badgering House about what time he’s going to let Foreman go tonight. It’s Valentine’s Day. And she has a hankering for a trip to the Candy Store, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. He finally finds Foreman, who’s examining Hannah’s leg. What’s Foreman doing in the ER? There’s a snowstorm, and they’re short-staffed. Everyone’s supposed to be there, including House. Note to writers: that would be a good episode.

As Foreman cleans her wound, Hannah acts like the alcohol hurts. But House sees her bluff, and raises her a diagnosis: she has CIPA, and they have to x-ray her to check for internal injuries. And what is CIPA? I’m glad you asked. Congenital Insensitivity to Pain. Not to be confused with my condition, of course: Congenital Inability to Pass up Alcohol. House runs through a litany of reasons why he knows she has CIPA, the last of which is because she’s a Jew. So, because they’re responsible for all the wars in the world makes them more susceptible to the disease? Sounds fair. Besides, as he tells Foreman, her people killed our lord. Is she really trustworthy? I’m surprised he didn’t tell Sugar Tits he wasn’t budging on the price.

House runs up to tell Cuddy he needs to bail on the ER. He has a case. Yeah, like he was actually working in the ER. Cuddy says that CIPA is a diagnosis, which comes at the end of a case, not the beginning. House says the girl has no idea what’s going on with her body; there has to be something wrong. No idea what’s going on with her body? He makes it sound like he’s going to have “the talk” with her. Can you imagine a worse person to tell you about the joys of sex than House? We can only hope he’ll let her off easy with a brief reading from one of his early works: “Are You There House? It’s Me, House.”

Cuddy realizes that House is only interested in Hannah because she can’t feel pain, whereas he always feels pain. But that’s what happens when you buy the wrong size Ben Wa Balls. But why is Cuddy so quick to judge? Maybe House just wants to cop a quick feel. What’s it going to hurt? Chick can’t feel anything; she won’t even know he did it. Cuddy okays all the tests except for the nerve biopsy, which is really the only one House is interested in. If the other tests show nerve damage, though, he’s free to hack away. But no grab-ass!

Cuddy shows House her shart-face.

Before leaving, House tells Cuddy her bright scarf, lack of hat hair and copious use of Eau de Sex tells him she’s got a blind date. She could have left the scarf at home, he says, and just told the guy she’d be wearing a look of desperation. Advantage: House!

Hannah won’t cooperate with the tests until she gets to see her mother. When Foreman tells House, he orders Foreman to sedate her. No can do. Girly-girl won’t consent to sedation, and her mom’s in surgery, so they can’t get her permission either. House says he’ll just break her arm then. On their way to her room, House starts questioning Foreman about his girlfriend. He thinks that when their program is over, Cameron will date someone, Chase will date eight someones, and Foreman will be all alone. Why? Because he’s black? No, because he’s Foreman. And Foreman’s don’t play well with others. Especially when those others have a vajayjay and a need to cuddle.

House starts trading stories with Hannah about his condition. He’s in pain all the time. She can’t feel anything. Aw, they’re so cute. It’s just too bad Hannah’s not 18 yet. When she lifts her gown to show him her ass-scars from when once she sat on a stove, he sticks her with the sedative. Even worse, “the sedative” is House’s pet name for his thingy. Okay, I made that up. According to the ever-reliable wikipedia, “Cabin Boy” is his pet name. He tells the OutHouses to finish running the tests while he gives his Cabin Boy a stern talking to.

When Hannah wakes up, Cameron tells her all the tests were negative. Well, except for the one Cameron’s giving her now, which gives her a seizure. Plus she has a temperature of 105, so they have to douse her with cold water, which on this show can only mean one thing: wet t-shirt contest!

During the first round of Guess What’s Wrong, House shoots down everyone’s theories. Why? Because he wants to cut her. Bitch disrespected him, and Housie ‘s got his street cred to worry about. Oh, and his excruciating leg pain. The notHouses won’t go along with the test he wants to run, so he goes crying to Cuddy. Meanwhile, the team goes off to watch the surgery on Hannah’s mom. Chase points out that Cuddy will give in to House’s demands, because they all give in to House’s demands. Especially when he does that thing with his tongue. Yeah, Cameron smells what Chase is cookin’.

If they want to stop House, they have to figure out what’s wrong with Hannah first. Since CIPA is actually an insensitivity to pain, Chase figures if they can increase Hannah’s pain to the point that she actually feels it, they should be able to figure out what’s wrong with her, and keep House from doing the biopsy. Damn, those Aussies are sneaky. No wonder they were able to pull off Pearl Harbor.

Next we see Cuddy at a nearby coffee shop. And wouldn’t you know it, her date seems to be going pretty well. Or should I say was going well. Because House shows up and starts berating her about needing to do the nerve biopsy. How did he find her so easily? This was the nearest non-committal location he could think of. Since that’s basically the same thing her date was just saying, maybe he and House will be BFFs. Please, though, keep your panties on in public.

House and his new bud seem to hit it off pretty well, until House learns he and Cuddy met at singleballroomdancelovers.com, You know he’s never going to let Cuddy live that down. Too bad she didn’t visit benwaballlovers.com. She could’ve thrown House’s profile back in his face. But not his Ben Wa Balls. Nobody puts House’s Ben Wa Balls in a corner! Unless his ass is in the same corner, which kind of goes without saying, although I just said it anyway. Yeah, I’m crazy like that.

Back at the hospital, Chase starts trying to hurt Hannah by having her put her hand in a beaker of cold water then a beaker of boiling water. Of course, she leaves her hand in the boiling water too long and suffers second-degree burns. All without feeling a thing. Too bad he didn’t throw her hand on the barbie with a skewer of garlic-shrimp. At least that would’ve smelled better.

When Chase’s experiment doesn’t work, it’s Foreman’s turn. He screws her head into some contraption from Saw and starts drilling into her skull. Why? Because bone pain is the worst there is. Especially when you’re a 16-year old boy whose complexion hasn’t cleared up. Allegedly.

Oh yes, there will be blood.

Drilling into her skull? Yeah, this is way less invasive than House’s test. While his assistant is drilling the hole, Foreman talks to Hannah about her life. Turns out she and her mom were pretty close until she started getting arrested for fighting. Which is totally what I would do if I had this condition. Actually, I’d probably just do bar bets for bottles of beer. Suddenly, Hannah starts screaming, so Foreman stops the test. When he asks her where she felt the pain, she just smiles, knocks him over and runs away. Advantage: Hannah!

Upstairs, Wilson confronts House about Hannah. But not before complaining about the 11-fingered lawyer who’s banging one of the nurses. I wonder if he’s any relation to the six-fingered man who killed Inigo Montoya’s father? Oh, and the nurse? She used to be a man. Should make for an interesting honeymoon video.

Anyway, Wilson is upset with House because he thinks the only reason House is treating Hannah is to study her lack of pain. Before they can get this sausage fest started, Foreman rushes in and tells them Hannah is about to jump off the balcony. Cameron and Chase try to talk her down, but to no avail. Hannah says she can actually feel her legs, then jumps. Feel her legs? That’s sort of good, right?

So, on top of her injuries from the crash, Hannah now has six broken bones, a concussion, fever, erratic heart rate and total numbness below the waist. On the plus side, she doesn’t know that she’s lying in her own poo.

“I believe I can fly.”

Meanwhile, House and the notHouses are going over her symptoms again. As usual, House shoots down all their suggestions. He still thinks it’s neural, and wants to do the nerve biopsy. But it’s for Hannah’s own good, of course. When Cameron suggests a thyroid storm, however, House is unable to shoot it down, and agrees to check with an endocrinologist.

Evidently, the endocrinologist is at Cuddy’s house, because that’s where House goes. Nope, just turns out the doc wasn’t answering his phone, so House needs Cuddy’s permission. She reads the file and okays the tests. While all that is going on, House is also quizzing her about her date. Which, it turns out, is still happening. Guess that explains why she’s only wearing a robe. So Cuddy’s getting some? Yay Cuddy! Before shutting the door, she leans into House and asks if he likes her. Whatever gave you that idea? Just the fact that he keeps interrupting her date. And that she talked with the other doc a few minutes ago. Seems Housie was lying about his not answering the phone? Ooh, busted!. Advantage: Cuddy! In a feeble attempt to save what little pride he has left, House says he actually wanted to borrow some of the hair gel dripping from her ear.

Cuddy goes back inside, where her date is getting dressed. Seems he heard their conversation, and realized she’s too obsessed with her job to ever be any fun. Well, except for the occasional quickie in the morgue. I think I’d be willing to put up with that. Still, Cuddy doesn’t put up much of a fight, so you know she thinks he’s right. That, or he just has a really tiny peepee.

House returns to the hospital and tells the OutHouses it’s not a thyroid storm and orders them – again – to do the nerve biopsy. They try to talk him out of it -again – when House notices some of the papers are missing from his desk. However did that happen? Oh, Wilson took them. And he knows what House is up to. So he orders the team to leave so they can have some alone time.

Wilson and House go back and forth – again – about House’s motives. Wilson says they’re purely personal and that House doesn’t really care about Hannah. He just wants to use her to grow his own private garden of pain-free nerves, which he can then graft on to his leg. And your point is? Uhm, that House is risking Hannah’s life for his own selfish reasons? Right. And your point is? Taken. House leaves and tells the team to biopsy whatever nerve they can safely get; it doesn’t have to be from her spine. Advantage: Wilson!

While running the tests, Foreman and Cameron start talking about relationships. She hopes that someday, when she has more free time, she’ll be able to have a social life. Foreman points out, rightfully so, that a good looking woman can have a social life whenever she wants. And by social life, of course, he means a little sumpin sumpin. He thinks that even though she was married, she was married to a dying man, so she didn’t really make a lifelong commitment. Wait, that’s what the purpose of marriage is? I thought it was to procreate. Guess I’ve been listening to Rick Santorum speak too much lately. In the end, Foreman says he wasn’t criticizing her; people who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing commitment is. Spoken like a true criticizing commitment-phobe.

Wait, something is wrong with the results of Hannah’s test. CIPA alone shouldn’t cause as much nerve damage as she has. House says she has secondary some big word thing, which means it’s probably metabolic and not neural. So much for House’s secret garden. In the middle of their discussion, Cameron learns that Hannah’s mom is finally out of surgery, so she leaves to get Hannah.

Hannah’s not too happy to see her mom, and I don’t blame her. She looks like she’s been on an episode of Russell Crowe’s Fightin’ Around the World. Her mom is only worried about Hannah, though. Hannah says everything is her fault, and at first her mom argues, but then she realizes it really is all Hannah’s fault. So, to punish her, she makes her own brain swell up and passes out, prompting the docs to rush her into emergency surgery. Advantage: Dying mother!

As her mom is being wheeled out, Hannah starts to cry, which is supposedly unpossible. She also says her head is killing her, which is even more unpossible. Color me Badd intrigued. Unfortunately, it doesn’t help House figure out what’s wrong with her, as the pain is emotional and not physical. So he adds guilt to the white board of symptoms. What can cause guilt like that? Besides acting out and torturing her mother for years? Or being Catholic? A vitamin B-12 deficiency. No way. You mean to tell me that I could’ve avoided all those years of therapy just by taking my Flintstones chewables? Unfortunately, that turns out to be a dead end, as Hannah was given a shot of B-12 when she was admitted to the hospital.

When the team can’t figure it out, House decides to ask Wilson for help, so you know he must be getting desperate. While Wilson is checking Hannah’s file, House helps himself to a bite of Wilson’s sandwich. Wilson jokes that House must get some primeval thrill from beating the other hunters to the food. Which, of course, sparks this week’s Housepiphany.

He rushes back into the room where the notHouses are prepping Hannah for some more tests. Hannah starts freaking out again like she did on the balcony, so House rushes her into surgery. And it’s a darn good thing too, because it turns out Hannah had a roommate: a 25-foot tapeworm. It’s been living in her guts for quite some time, but since she can’t feel anything, she didn’t know it. Anyone else would have, as it uses its numerous sharp claws to lock itself into the host’s intestinal walls. And yes, I know that last sentence was totally unnecessary, but it sure added to the ickiness of the recap. As does this.

Anywho, down in the locker room, Foreman gives his girlfriend a late Valentine’s gift: he pulled a few strings and got her admitted to a very prestigious nursing program. Only problem is, it’s in Boston. Rather than giving him the customary thank-you handjob, however, she accuses him of being afraid of commitment and leaves him. Guess Foreman’s about to experience some bone pain of his own.

Finally, it’s time for the episode-ending musical montage. This week, it focuses on how empty everyone’s lives are. Cuddy is alone in bed. House and Wilson head off to breakfast. And Cameron and Chase discuss forming a “friends with benefits” relationship.

Oh, and that audience-favorite character whose early exit I mentioned in the intro? That’s me. Yup, sorry to say this is my last recap here at the mighty ‘gasm. I want to thank Ben and Joe for giving me a shot to make a fool of myself on this big series of tubes we call the internets – all totally gratis, I might add. I’d also like to thank you, constant reader (to steal a line from my favorite author), for hanging in there while I found my groove. The past couple years have been a lot of fun, but it’s time for me to take my groove elsewhere. I’ll still be around my site ingrown brain stem — which, I’m proud to say, is currently number five on Google for articles on ass rape, sixth for ball waxing and third for nose fucking, so it’s not like we’ll never see each other again. Unless that’s how you want it to be.

Bitches.

Advantage: copygodd!