House: Better Than Hearing Sex

Sorry about the late recap this week. I had started to sit down and work on it on Wednesday night, but about ten minutes into the episode, I started hearing weird, animal-like sounds coming from my roommate’s room. Rather than sit and listen to sex, I decided to keep my dinner down for the rest of the night. I was busy for the rest of the week, including getting my brand new huge TV. I’ve never been a big fan of cut throat, but she looks worse in HD. But, better late than never, here is this week’s episode of House in all its glory.

That noise is making me sick to my stomach.

In a back alley, some shitty rock band is waiting to go on stage. One of the guys says he doesn’t feel like going on. That is, until he takes his bandmate’s ’64 Teardrop and scratches it up on the concrete. Now he’s ready. Oh, it helps that he took a guitar to the face also. The rest of the guys go in to start, but the guy, who looks like the singer, stays outside. It’s time for his pre-show ritual: cough/puke up blood. Looks like this time he might have overdone it just a little though, because he passes out in the alley as the credits begin to roll.

I call bs. Real rock stars don’t keep their nose hairs trimmed so well.

House is watching some awful soap opera in the lounge, and Cuddy comes in demanding to know who he is going to keep on his team. She wants two names by Friday; she’s as sick of this story arc dragging out as we are. She threatens him with lost pay, but he doesn’t care. Take away his parking spot though, and he’ll get down to business. So he saunters down to Cameron’s area to ask her who her sickest patients are, but she doesn’t have anybody. Then he asks who she would keep, but she won’t recommend anybody because she doesn’t want him to fire them based on her decision. Thankfully, shitty punk rocker speaks up. Cameron thinks he’s just sick due to all the drugs, but House sees potential. We’ve got our patient for the final round of Who Will House Hire?

He tells the doctors whoever gets the diagnosis right wins and is guaranteed, and second place will be based on “merit,” whatever that word means. I think it’s French for udders. That House is a mysterious character. Whatever the meaning, the doctors start shouting answers. House tells them to start running tests, but Foreman won’t let him. House thinks there are too many perfect symptoms for this to be solely drug abuse. Foreman disagrees. He makes some rant, and House sort of gives in, only allowing one test per diagnosis. He also develops an arbitrary point system, which is really the key to any successful hiring.

House walks into Wilson’s office and asks him what he thinks of cut throat. Wilson says he diagnosed someone incorrectly. House says “Interesting,” and this sets Wilson off for some strange reason. Meanwhile, cut throat is standing outside the bathroom, waiting to get a sample from the singer. Cute woman thinks she’s brilliant, leaving a smoking-addict alone with an oxygen tank, and sure enough, there’s an explosion in the bathroom.

Whew! Do NOT go in there!

Wilson brings in the patient he incorrectly diagnosed, and House wants to be there for Wilson’s humiliation. The patient can’t believe it, and he’d spent a lot of money, thinking he was going to be having his final hurrah. But he doesn’t have the money to pay for those things now. So he says thank you, but I question his sincerity. Also, wouldn’t “You’re not going to die!” elicit a slightly better response than “So now I’m broke and alive? Gee thanks.”

House is in his office, and he’s writing up his arbitrary point system’s results so far. Cut throat is way behind. Cute woman and cut throat argue about her cut throat losing her opportunity to test because she’s a poor doctor, but House sides with cut throat on this one.

Elsewhere, Foreman is sitting reading a magazine when Chase walks up. I guess you can’t go two episodes without seeing Chase or Cameron. Chase simply annoys Foreman, and begins to draw comparisons between House and Foreman. I appreciate this approach, because I know Foreman hates it. Alas, it ends too quickly because Foreman gets paged. The patient won’t let cut throat or creepy finish prepping him for whatever procedure is going to be done, so they ran to mom (Foreman) instead of dad (House) so they wouldn’t get scolded. Foreman walks in and immediately gives the patient a shot in the opposite arm they were trying, and there’s no problem. Foreman also realizes there’s a reason he wouldn’t let them touch that arm: he covered it with nicotine patches. Creepy also notices that the guy’s got blood clots moving through his body, which means cut throat was wrong. And she falls even further behind, as everyone joyously erupts.

Don’t forget to buy milk, bread, shampoo. And pick up the dog from the groomers.

Kal says they’ll kill the patient if the clots spread, so he immeditely loses points. But cut throat is still way behind him. Also, Foreman was following creepy, so House got creepy out of there to get Foreman out of there. House asks for ideas on the patient, and cut throat chimes in in her usual bitchy way. But she’s lost her turn. So cute woman and her argue a little bit more, but ultimately, House sides with cute woman this time. So she and Kal leave to test, but, uh-oh, cut throat (whom House now calls manipulative bitch) gets called into the losers’ circle, i.e. House’s office. Perhaps they should have rethought that line, since it makes House seem like a loser by association. And we all know that he’s awesome.

House asks her why she has a problem with drug addicts. Then he asks her why she’s afraid to lose, and she asks if she’ll get fired because she likes to win. House is really prying with her, and she keeps giving the stereotypical responses sarcastically like that will make House leave her alone. He’s obviously hit a nerve with her, and I hope it leads to her way out. And quickly. But she rants a little bit more, and then somewhat talks down to House before walking out of his office. I think House only said about 4 things in that whole exchange. Too much bitch.

Creepy and cute woman are walking and talking. He’s sucking up to House by appearing to be helpful (like that would impress House). She has a similar exchange with creepy that House had with cut throat, and that is why do you not care about this patient. Similar reasons, he doesn’t care about his life, so why should I? Great to hear coming from a doctor. When the discussion’s over, we learn that creepy cares more about money than doctoring, which makes sense since he was a plastic surgeon. By the time they get to the patient’s room, he’s gone somewhere, which leads to creepy making another bitchy comment. I would rather be seeing a lot more of Kal this episode.

You’re lucky TVgasm isn’t in HD.

Wilson walks into his office, and House is in there listening to something called a record. Apparently a record is some kind of cd that’s larger and black. And the Discman House is using wouldn’t fit in anyone’s pockets. Put that shit on iTunes House! Anyways, House asks why there’s a liability release form with Wilson’s checkbook on top of it on his desk. Wilson’s going to try to pay the guy off because of the incorrect diagnosis. House thinks Wilson is making a mistake because there’s no liability. Without a resolution, they’re interrupted when creepy and cute woman come in, and they’ve lost the patient.

Up next: House badgers cute woman about why she loves drug addicts. Aside from smell, hygiene, stigma and normal lack of funding, she also mentions difficulty achieving and maintaining erections. Or she didn’t say any of that. He tries to get more background information on her, she declines obviously, and House asks why she thinks drugs are a mask for something else. She says they always are, which gets to House, so he says that’s the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. Obviously that’s a lie unless Britney Spears gossip doesn’t exist in Houseland. The result is cute woman gaining two points.

Addicts are hilarious!

Creepy is now trying to psychoanalyze why cute woman wants the job when she tells him to shut his ugly face. She hears the patient somewhere, and they walk into pediatrics. He’s in there, entertaining the sick kids, still wearing his eyeliner. After he’s done entertaining, he falls over, which may or may not be an act, but they clear the kids out and run over to tend to the patient.

Meanwhile House is in the classroom playing some blues on the piano. Cuddy walks in, and House says he wants to keep all four of his prospects. She won’t let him, and doesn’t even want to let him keep three. So he asks her opinion, and she says she would keep Kal and creepy. Interesting, since she wanted Kal gone last week. Speak of the devil, in walks Kal with cute woman, and it turns out that cute woman was wrong with her diagnosis, but they found bad blood fragments.

House takes the two and they go find the patient’s bandmates. He looks at an arm, and, surprise, he’s got track marks. That explains the bad blood, and they’re back to square one. House says to retest everything, and strap the patient down, and it would just so happen that the patient chooses that moment to crash. He’s having a respiratory failure, so, great news, it’s not the drugs causing problems.

Now House has everyone in the laundry room trying to hide from Foreman. But Foreman’s there, and he’s looking as glum as ever. Seriously, is he even doing anything besides supervising House? This time Kal gets House’s backing. But cut throat argues that it would be ineffective without 8 other tests and making assumptions based on all conclusions. So House tells Foreman to do the tests. Foreman says of course he’ll do them, then moseys away. He’s not going to do them, so it looks like House gets his own chance to do some doctoring.

Since it’s just House and the venerable punk rocker alone in the patient’s room, it’s time for some more psychoanalysis. House wonders why he plays music and if it’s as simple as fear of failure. House finds something strange, which doesn’t seem to bother the patient. House also finds it strange that the rocker doesn’t seem to care if he lives or dies, but he does care if House likes his music.

Nothin like a good Wilson Phillips cover to pass the time in a hospital.

Time to check back in with Wilson. He’s apologizing to the faux-cancer patient, and he’s already passed over the $6,000 check. But, the guy rips it up and says he thinks it’s wrong to take so little money from Wilson. Wilson is incredulous that he’s being sued for the right diagnosis. The guy bitches about being given happiness, then having it taken away, then he walks out of the office. Please tell me this isn’t going to be dragged out over several episodes as well.

Kal, creepy and House are having a pow-wow about the rocker, and the two ladies have been left out of the boys club. This time, and probably because he doesn’t have to fight over the girls and have to deal with cut throat arguing about every little thing, creepy wins House’s support, and House asks what tests should be done. Creepy’s answer loses points, and he loses more points for disagreeing with House. The arbitrary point system has been a bright spot for me in this episode.

Well, House wants Chase to cut open the patient so House can look at his heart. House and creepy are trying to convince Chase to do it, and then House asks Chase who he thinks should be hired. Without getting an answer, creepy goes into this rant about what will happen to Chase if he declines to handle the patient. Blackmail. Hmm, I wonder where creepy learned that from. Infidelity perhaps? Chase tells House to keep creepy and cut throat because they can get things done, and Chase says to prep the patient. So they get him in, cut him open, take a look around, and they find nothing abnormal that they expected to be wrong. However, the patient starts crashing, and House, looking on, doesn’t seem to care too much.

The next day, House is feeling more urgency about the patient. Cut throat asks if the game is over, and House whips her with his cane. He says the patient’s life is over and he doesn’t care about the game, and Foreman disagrees. Hey Foreman. Fuck off. Do something. However, Foreman tells House to shit or get off the pot in regards to hiring someone, so House fires cute woman and Kal. Annnnnd fuck. They’re pissed and surprised, and it’s a barrage of possible diagnoses coming from those two. The two together come up with a drug diagnosis, and House rescinds the firing. So there’s still hope.

Psych!

Cut throat wants to know where the patient is getting his drugs, and he won’t answer. However, he will give his life story. I don’t remember that being asked dude. After he finishes his verbal biography, he can tell that cut throat hates him. Back in House’s office, Wilson walks in and can’t believe his patient is going to sue. But he doesn’t think his patient’s counsel has a law degree, or is even a lawyer. House, guilty, says he’s trying to teach Wilson a lesson that everyone is out for theirs, so keep watch of yours. They have an psychoanalysis argument, and at what I can only hope is the end of it, Kal interrupts. They can’t find the drug source, but that probably isn’t the problem, and the patient volunteers at a home for abandoned kids. Why did he leave that out of his life story? He said everything else we didn’t care about.

House gathers everyone in the classroom and fires creepy and cut throat. Unless of course they can come up with a diagnosis. Same goes for Kal and cute woman too. Fantastic. Ok, we know that this ends during this episode, I don’t think there will really be any surprises. Anyways, House tells them to tell the patient he’s going to die. And then House has a light bulb go off about the old rocker working with kids.

House takes his crew and heads into Cuddy’s office because he needs a brain biopsy. She won’t allow it, and she asks why everyone is there. House says it’s because he couldn’t have discovered it without each of them. He elaborates, but Cuddy says no dice on the brain slice. At least without neurological proof. Cut throat thinks she saw it with excessive swallowing, so Cuddy says induce a seizure and you’ve got a deal. That’s a fair tradeoff I’d say. They get their seizure, and they can get their biopsy. And House was right I guess?

House brings everyone into the classroom. Amber (cut throat), it’s time to stand. She played the game, but for the wrong reasons, so she’s fired. It’s time for cute woman to stand. House says she’s fired too, and if he could have three, she was the one to stay. Later, Cuddy walks into the classroom and asks House what he did. She tells him he can’t hire two men and to hire cute woman. And House smirks. Cuddy, as she’s walking away realizes that it was House’s plan all along. He hired who she recommended, and she told him to hire the other one he wanted to keep. Genius. I fucking love this guy.

You got played like a Wilson Phillips cover.

So we’ve got a new team. I don’t like Taub (creepy), but I think I would have hated Amber more. Looks like this is the last new House until January, and I read that they only had enough episodes taped until American Idol began. What did you think of the episode? Did you expect this team? Looks like I’ll see you guys again in the New Year!