Big Dick, Hypogonadism (Little Balls)

I love the introductions for House episodes. They’re always so limitless with possibilities. If you don’t pay attention to any of the previews, you never know who’s going to be sick. And if you do pay attention, you still probably have no idea what symptoms are going to be shown. Like last week, a random kick from some karate chick, and blood splatters. The week before, just a simple sneeze. You can have anything from a gunshot to a car crash to a seizure. But, of course, my favorite is still the projectile vomit. It just never gets old.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, because I’m such a big fan of the allegedly gross illnesses. I’m ok with it. This week’s intro was another solid intro, and this week’s episode was also pretty awesome. Keep reading to find out if I got my projectile vomit fix this week.

We begin this week at some sort of chess competition. Normally when I watched the “Next week on House…” I don’t pay too much attention to who the actual sick person is. However, this week they were promoting the kid being like House, so I recognized him immediately. He looks like a pretty big dork, and he has the buttons on his shirt buttoned all the way to the top. Loser. Anyways, he beats his opponent, who then says good job. Rather than shake his opponents hand, Loserkid picks up the clock and beats his opponent senseless. He’s infected with RAGE! Quarantine! When he’s pulled off his opponent, Loserkid is complaining of his head feeling like it’s about to explode. I guess now he’s rethinking that top button. You’ve gotta let your neck breathe.

I just wanna be loved, is that so wrong?!?

Chase walks in to examine the kid, and he calls Chase a moron. Ok, that was an easy one, no points yet. He mentions that Chase looks like he still has theme birthday parties, and I guess that’s a good one. He has another insult, but now it seems like he’s trying to hard. Plus, it’s pretty easy to insult Chase. Apparently, according to his mom, this kid has been a dick since he’s been a teenager.

The first thing House writes on the board in the conference room is RAGE. I was right! I should seriously consider becoming a doctor. The LittleHouses are making suggestions, and after Foreman makes his, House gasps. This could be the last time Foreman makes a wrong suggestion! House thinks the problem with this kid is cluster headaches, so he says to treat them abnormally, but don’t touch this kid’s acerbic wit.

Foreman says he has an interview, and Cameron volunteers to write a peer recommendation for him, should he need it, but Chase does not offer his help, saying Cameron’s should suffice. Foreman then goes to give the kid some sort of magnetic treatment designed to stimulate the nerves. Do you ever wonder if they just completely make up treatments on this show? This doesn’t really look real to me. Basically he’s just waving some sort of, we’ll call it a wand, over this kid’s head. Outside, the mom is talking to Chase, and she’s relieved the treatment could make her son less of a prick. Cue the touching music. She thought she was a bad mother because she sold him into slavery, and she had some of his organs harvested so she could treat her STD’s from whoring herself around, but now that her son is better, she has a reprieve. I didn’t actually listen to what she said, so I’m assuming that was it.

OMG your eyes look totally gorgeous right now.

The next morning, the gang tells House the tests showed the problem is not cluster headaches. House still thinks they are the problem though. Brain surgery is apparently the only treatment left, and while Cameron and Chase are arguing/suggesting things, House is acting like Foreman is saying all of these things (while he’s really just sitting there). Outside of the conference room, Foreman tells House that he had an interview but it was canceled by Foreman. The problem is that Foreman didn’t cancel the interview, so someone else was pretending to be him. Foreman thinks House did it, and he tells House to just tell him if House wants him to stay. House says he didn’t sabotage Foreman because he only sabotages people who are worth it. And last time I checked, killing patients didn’t constitute being “worth it.”

House walks into Cuddy’s office, and he thinks she canceled the interview. He’s turned on by her cunning, but she says she didn’t do it. House apparently is also in her office for a legitimate reason, as he wants to give this kid magic mushrooms. Are those in Lucky Charms? Cuddy doesn’t put up much of a fight, but tells House to get consent and it must be a low dose. The mom consents, and she knows about shrooms because she went to college. Well excuuuse us, maybe we should let her solve the medical mystery. Step aside doctors, I went to college! If the shrooms don’t work, brain surgery is the next step. Hopefully that doesn’t consist of a small-mustached man hitting the kid on the head with a brick though.

Laverne and Shirley give the kid a boner.

So the kid is on mushrooms, and he’s loving it. He tells Cameron she’s making him horny, and he says she’ll regret saying no to his sexual advances, and he opens his gown. She’s intrigued. She goes in for a closer inspection in fact. Note to self, that actually works with attractive female doctors.

It’s a Kengina!

Ok, so she saw this kid had small balls. House wants a biopsy done of the pituitary, and he was right about the cluster headaches. The kid doesn’t want the biopsy done though, and things start slowing down for him. He passes out, but all of his vitals are normal, so Chase checks his mouth, and he’s jaundiced!

The kid has liver problems. While trying to figure out what to do, Foreman gets a page from Cuddy. He heads to her office, and House tells Chase and Cameron to do a hamburger test on this kid, because he’s only been eating meat for about 6 months.

Cuddy tells Foreman she’ll double his salary and make him a parallel of House. Foreman says if he gets a case he’s not sure about, he’ll have to go see House, and he doesn’t want that. Cuddy says he could also let the patient die. Oh Cuddy, he obviously has no problem with that. Let me rephrase that. He’ll kill them, then be a bitch about it. So Foreman refuses the offer because he’s a bitch. He may have given some other answer, but we all know it’s because he’s a bitch.

Chase walks into the kid’s room, and he makes some sort of reference to Chase being “Doogie.” Now, I’m supposed to believe this kid, who’s only 16, knows about Doogie Howser MD? Come on writers. Anyways, the kid has three burger patties in front of him, but he doesn’t want to eat them. He challenges Chase to make him eat them. Chase calls the nurses to bring in restraints. Well look who’s playing hardball. Attaboy Chase, way to stick it to this kid. The kid obliges, but I still like to think that Chase might have jammed that last little bit of meat down the kid’s throat.

Cuddy goes up to Wilson and accuses him of killing Foreman’s interview. Wilson says that’s ridiculous, because he wants Foreman to leave. He likes Foreman because Foreman stands up to House, and no one else does. Wilson goes a little overboard on comparing House to a 6 year old, but Cuddy doesn’t buy it. She thinks Wilson did it, and that guaranteed Foreman will leave now.

Then we’re greeted to a giant red stomach with white spots on it. House is in the clinic, and his patient got really sunburnt. However, he’s got white spots on his stomach, and he’s worried about them. House fills a syringe with water, then sprays it in the guy’s face. His son, also in the room, laughs. House says he’ll give the son the syringe if the son will give House the $1.40 in change that’s in his pocket. Apparently, dad got a little drunk on their boat, and he passed out for a while, so the son, bored, put his change on dad’s chest. And there’s your clinic relief for the week.

Forget the white spots. Can you fix my man boobs?

House gets back and he finds out that the hamburger test didn’t show the results they thought it would. Simple enough, just starve the kid for a night instead. Well that sets the kid off, and he’s threatening everyone in his room that he wants to eat. Chase says they need a urine sample, and the kid says, “Here it is,” and he starts pissing the floor. Chase then dives under him with a plastic cup to catch it. Ok, that didn’t happen. But, the kid is pissing, and then, oh shit! Pissing blood!

Lunch time!

Here comes Wilson to play the blame game with Cameron. He tells her that Cuddy thinks he killed the interview and she’s going to fire him, trying to get Cameron to admit that she killed the interview. Cameron doesn’t buy it though. That’s my girl. She says she didn’t do it because she doesn’t care about House, and she’s obviously lying about that. Sometimes I pretend that when everyone says Cameron is in love with House, they’re saying she’s in love with me. That is in no way sad.

In the lab, Cameron accuses Chase of canceling Foreman’s interview. Chase asks why he would do that, because he doesn’t like Foreman, so why would he want him to stay? Cameron thinks he did it just to do it. Chase is pissed, and I guess this is the end of Chase asking Cameron out every week. Oh, wait, never mind, he’ll just do it angrily this week.

House wants to get the mother out of her son’s room so he can stress this kid and get him to bite a finger off. So House will play chess with him. House has to goad the kid into it a little bit, saying that small testicles indicate, among other things, that the kid is a big chicken. At the start of the match, the two are trading barbs, culminating in the kid saying “I can walk.” House responds “I don’t bleed out of my penis.” That round goes to House again. House gets check first, and after a couple, it looks like the kid is going to flip out, but he reigns it back in. He tells House that he has House beat, and he explains how, but then he goes into a seizure and they can’t finish.

You got served, bitch.

Chase wonders if the kid has multiple conditions, but House says it’s always one. What if the kid is just evil? House takes personality disorder off of the symptom board, and, of course, Foreman has a problem with it, because he refuses to believe that people can be jerks for no reason. House thinks the kid actually has amyloidosis, and if he does, he’ll need a bone marrow transplant. Also, House tells Foreman to get a nerve biopsy from the kid’s ankle. And to quit being such a bitch!

While the kid is getting the nerve biopsy, he’s conscious. He sounds like he’s going to thank Foreman, but he’s not. He tells Foreman that he sucks at his job. Foreman says he’s doing his best, and the kid says that his best sucks. Finally, some jabs from this kid I can get behind. Foreman comes back saying that the nerve biopsy was clean, so House tells Foreman to biopsy somewhere else. Foreman looks like he’s about to argue, so House tells him he has two options: either argue and then do it, or just do it. Foreman turns to walk away and go do the test, and House stops him. Foreman actually had a third option, and that was to not do another biopsy, but Foreman trusts House’s judgment more than his own.

Chase then finds his way into House’s office, and it’s time for the blame circle to return to House. House denies at first, but then he says “I knew there was a reason I hired you.” So House killed Foreman’s interview. Chase says something about how Foreman needs to know that House isn’t evil, or something along those lines, and House got an idea.

They removed the “personality disorder” symptom from the symptom board, but they forgot to add another one. The kid can’t bend his thumbs because they formed abnormally, which House uses chess to illustrate. The kid has hemacromatosis, which is an iron build-up or something. The personality problem though? Not iron. Sorry, you’re just a bad mom, lady. So the cure is dialysis and the kid has to have his blood drained every few months for the rest of his life. Just for the record, House says the moves the kid predicted during their chess game were not the moves he would have made, and the kid said he knew and he was bluffing. As he’s walking away, House mutters “Jerk.”

House then finds Foreman in the lab, and Foreman tells him that the second biopsy is still turning up negative. Rather than just tell Foreman what’s wrong, House tells him he should run the test again and check his results. I guess House is trying to teach Foreman a lesson about trusting instincts, or about how he’s not ready to be his own doctor yet, or maybe something about not being a bitch and just working for one of the greatest doctors ever.

And don’t go home til’ you’ve found those nuts!

Anyways, what was where the episode ended this week. What did you think? Will Foreman really be gone after the season finale? If Foreman leaves, will he be replaced? Can Wilson take amphetamines again? What will I do with next week off of recapping House? Kill a hobo?