This was a pretty good week for House in terms of dealing with the 6 candidates for his team. However, they didn’t really deal with the 6 candidates for his team much, and it wasn’t nearly as much as in the past. This drawn out process is really starting to lose focus, and I really don’t have much hope for this ending anytime soon. Also, as you’ll see, there was a great opportunity to move it along this week. So did they do it?
This week opens with two dudes talking about robbing their grandma if they don’t have the balls to rob strangers. And they’re too lazy to do actual work. They see a guy come out of some store, and he’s walking in an alley by himself. They follow him, tell him to stop, but he just keeps walking. He then talks a little shit, calls one of them a little bitch, and he says he left his money on their sister’s nightstand. Does he mean the little bitch one, or do they actually have a sister? I need answers to these questions. The tougher kid pulls out a knife, and the guy just starts coughing. They finally get his wallet, I think, and he’s still coughing. The little bitch calls 911 and tells them where to find this sick guy, and he just keeps on coughing. Nothing else happens. So that’s this week’s medical mystery: a dry throat.
A mugger with manners. Good for you, FOX.
In the classroom, House asks what would cause a man’s lungs to fail. There are a couple suggestions, and then Cuddy walks in with Foreman in tow. House is angry, and he wants Foreman gone. Cuddy says that since House’s extended interview/reality competition lost a patient, he’s lost veto power. Cut throat questions, before the Foreman introduction is complete, if this means there’s one less spot open on House’s team. That’s House’s decision. He sends his goons to run some tests, and then he and Foreman talk. House will make Foreman miserable until he quits. The joke is on House though: Foreman is already miserable! Sucker.
Cut throat bitches again about getting or not getting the job. This happens every week and I’m seriously sick of it. Sick guy on the treadmill is feeling a weird symptoms he shouldn’t be feeling, so they stop the test. This is reported first to Chase, who is running a pool on who will be fired first. With the failed test, cut throat pulls into the lead.
Foreman is working with the team through symptoms, and House walks in and sits down. Commence Operation ‘More Clever Than Make Foreman Miserable.’ While House ridicules him, the patient crashes. so Foreman comes clean. He’s unemployable because he’s damaged House-goods, and he can’t quit because he needs the job.
While the cronies try to test and/or revive sick guy, House decides to sympathize with Foreman, and it’s not worth making him more miserable than he is. So he’ll make Cuddy miserable. Regarding the patient, he’s faking, copying neighbors’ symptoms. Wrong. He’s wearing a white coat like a doctor. He’s got mirror syndrome. Let’s hurry this along…
They wander into Wilson’s operating room. Martin (sick guy) is in scrubs, and House wants to know what’s going on from Martin. Wilson and House talk about the Foreman business. While those two get into a tiff, Martin joins in on Wilson’s side. He’s throwing out names he’s probably never heard (I think Cuddy was there somewhere). Wilson likes Martin. He’s the man. House looks away for a second, and Martin picks up a scalpel and goes to make an incision. House stops his hand, takes off his glove, and his blood has turned to sludge. They cut him, but he doesn’t bleed. Or, at least he doesn’t bleed much.
Shoulda used Palmolive.
Mirror syndrome patients have an agenda. Martin must have a tiny, hard to find infection. While House asks for possible tests, he’s wandered into the cafeteria and he announces the mayo was bad, everyone should go to the clinic and ask for Dr. Cuddy. Foreman catches them and says they’re fine, but House instills enough doubt that they all leave. House wants Martin away from the bitchy nurses. He tells black doctor to go so he’ll be singing Osmond songs by the end of the day, and cute woman volunteers to go with him.
Cut throat draws some blood, then is a dumb bitch. Or maybe just annoying. Martin says he’s awesome, and if you’re not liked, you need to be always right. He nailed her. Then Martin asks creepy doctor, who’s running the next test, who cut throat was because she’s hot. Creepy, like cut throat, is like, is that supposed to be me? Then he gets nervous because he’s married and doesn’t think he has it for cut throat. But we all know he’s lying.
Some people are just too far gone. Let him go.
There’s a cyst on his liver, so House goes to Wilson. Wilson is talking about how he’s so brilliant, and as they walk into the classroom, no one is there. They’re all at the clinic, helping with Mayogate 2007. House barges into an exam room, where Kal is taking care of business on a woman’s ladyparts. Or testing her for an STD, I forget which. Then he barges in on cut throat, and they argue about how to test the liver lesion. Boring obscure doctor is there too, and he has another suggestion. House decides to have them test a test that could kill the patient, and creepy doctor, who has appeared, asks where Foreman is and if House is going to risk a patient’s life to get back at Cuddy. Ridiculous, he can torture her other ways.
Boring obscure doctor is giving the test to Martin, and he misses with the needle, so he has to go in again. It’s revealed that Martin, speaking for obscure, is angry because he’s in a hospital where he doesn’t want to be, and he’s also bored. Join the club with this guy. He draws out some black pus, which he thinks is from something tropical, which revives his interest in Doctors Without Borders or something. Obscure reports to House, and he says that cut throat is treating him. Turns out he’s resigning. House, for some reason trying to convince him to stay, argues that everyone is miserable at some point, and the key is to minimize the misery. House says he’s good, which I know is an obvious lie. Even if it isn’t meant to be. So obscure says he’ll stay until the patient is better, which should be about an hour. But great news smartass! As they go to administer treatment, now all of Martin’s blood is turning into sludge! Extended stay for obscure!
They put Martin in a whirlpool to heat his blood, and it turns out that the black pus was really just coagulated blood. Obscure was terribly wrong, and he’s also talked to his fiancee and he’s going to be terribly miserable; she’s not letting him quit. House calls cute doctor, and she’s with black doctor, trying to get to Martin’s car, which has been impounded, and there’s no one around to unlock it. There are also two angry, hungry dogs. House tells her that she knows how to kill dogs though. Ouch. Then he regales everyone with a metaphor about how antibodies are like cops, and they’ve got medical history retained in them. He orders Kal to draw blood, and everyone begins to walk out. Foreman tells them he hasn’t signed off on it, but they walk out anyways. Well, everyone except for creepy, who says that it looks like either Cuddy or Foreman will lose to House, and he’s sorry. This might be the last week for creepy.
Foreman goes to talk to Cameron. Shouldn’t he be, I don’t know, doing something? He complains that Chase has him at even odds to get fired, and Cameron says she’s got $100 on Foreman. He walks away angry, and he complains that Chase is just mad Cuddy didn’t offer the position to him. Cameron says Foreman isn’t miserable; he was humiliated, but he likes the job. Foreman then makes a House-like comment, and she’s proven her point.
It’s time for Martin to tell us what Kal is thinking. I bet it’s all about chasing tail. Well, not exactly. It’s about chasing new things, and trying not to fit in. Man, the acting range of Frank Whaley is really on display in this episode. I smell an Emmy.
Feel it, Whaley!
Wilson has walked in on Cuddy in House’s office, and she’s doing something suspicious. She’s switched his vicodin with laxatives. Wilson tells her not to stoop to House’s level, just make him think he’s won. Then she asks where Wilson was two hours ago, and we see House emerge from the toilet, looking significantly more humble. Luckily obscure is there for him to feel superior to.
Basically the tests prove close to nothing, but it’s more than actually nothing, so they’ll go with it. They’ll also try to warm the blood from the inside, since the whirlpool isn’t doing well enough. House and Foreman have a short exchange, and it’s enough to make House shit. Or maybe it’s the laxatives. Regardless, he goes back into the bathroom, and Foreman follows him in. Well, doesn’t follow him in. But he goes in to continue talking. Foreman tries to tell House he’s doing something wrong, and House tells Foreman to stop being Cuddy’s errand boy, which pisses him off and he leaves. I would say there’s probably not much worse than thinking you have a point to win an argument, then you go into said argument while someone is dropping a deuce, only to get pissed off, ultimately retreating from the argument. At least maybe the fresh air was a moral victory.
There is no winning an argument with a guy on a crapper.
Cuddy confronts House about their methods of raising the guy’s body temperature. She weakly objects, and House wins. However, House realizes something is amiss when Cuddy let him win so easily, and he realizes it’s because Cuddy is trying to stroke his ego. Unless she’s willing to stroke something else (in addition to his ego) this isn’t over. And by something else I mean fire Foreman. Think about it. It makes absolute sense. Anyways, House says that he can tell when his pills aren’t vicodin, but can Cuddy tell when her birth control isn’t birth control? I would say that’s an equal threat to whoever she sleeps with.
Time to see what Foreman is thinking via Martin. He’s surprisingly feeling good, and nothing works the way it’s supposed to work. But they do what’s necessary, and that’s all that matters. Martin is almost ecstatically happy. Then he quickly crashes, still in the hot tub. People rush in, they get him out and towel him off. Kal says he’s dry enough and shocks him. It works, but it also sent Kal flying onto the ground and unconscious. There’s another new experience! Bitching.
House commends Kal, and then insults him for either his aversion to towels or his death wish. Foreman brings focus back to the patient though, and House orders a fourth round of cultures. Foreman says they should biopsy the heart, but when obscure says that’s too dangerous, Foreman suggests the toe. House likes the idea of the heart better, and volunteers to go with Foreman. They ride the elevator together, and House says he’s gotten Foreman a job in Boston. Foreman is impressed, but then says he doesn’t want the job. Then he says he’s apparently not miserable. House thinks he sees a smile and, angrily, tells Foreman to do his own stupid biopsy.
Cute woman and black doctor are back, and they’ve finally gotten to Martin’s car. They know his name (Robert Elliott) and he’s from Ohio, but they find nothing else. House says a biopsy is quicker than waiting to get medical records, and then has cute woman stay behind. He asks her why she volunteered to go with black doctor, and then he accuses her of not wanting to ‘look in the mirror.’ Or look through the Martinglass if you will.
Foreman is tending to Martin, and House comes in, gives him a break and tells cute woman to tend to the patient. At which point Martin points out how hot she is. Apparently it’s house who Martin is seeing, not cute woman. House leaves and tells Kal to look in on the patient, and Martin then mimics her, and is crippled with fear. Kal and House are discussing why he should go into the exam room when cute woman walks out, reporting nothing found on the biopsy. Since the blood is congealing again, they’re going to put him back into the hot tub. Kal says Martin loved the hot tub, and House says, no, you, Kal, loved the hot tub. Kal mutters under his breath that he hates hot tubs. The point was that being in the hot tub reminded Martin of something, so they need to ‘splash’ him some more.
House walks in to Martin’s room, and he’s dressed, well, interestingly. Probably in stuff from Robert Elliott’s car. He says his name is Robert Elliott and he’s from Ohio, and Martin says ‘Me too.’ Following similar dialogue, Martin says he’s in Jersey on business. There is a lot of seemingly pointless talk, except it establishes that Martin travels a lot. Also, the vapor balm they found in his car is used to put on his nose because it doesn’t smell like shit.
Apple pie, anyone?
House walks out of the exam room, and he’s discovered the problem. Martin sells farm equipment, specifically pig farm equipment, and he’s caught some sort of bacteria from that. House tells Kal and cute woman how to treat it, then Foreman, who’s also sitting there, says it can wait 15 minutes and asks where Cuddy is.
Cuddy and House introduce themselves to Martin, and they’re trying to see who Martin will emulate. Everyone gathers around outside to watch, including Wilson. Foreman says if it’s Cuddy, he’ll stay, and if it’s House, he’ll take the job at Mt. Zion in Boston. Wilson says there’s no job in Boston though. Ultimately Martin mimics House, and his celebration begins.
So, end of the day, patient healed, it’s time to see who goes home. He says that everyone sucks, and now, a bunch of the staff are gathered in the back of the classroom to see how this will go. Wo who’s going home? It’s a tie. All of them suck the most, but no one is fired. House tells Foreman he didn’t fire anyone because they’re good doctors, but it’s pretty obvious that House had money on the ‘who’s getting fired’ pool. He gets 50% of the cut from Chase. House realizes that Foreman really is happy to be back, and out of everyone who talked to Martin, he was the only one who did anything about it.
So that’s where this week ended. Everyone’s happy, there are still 6 candidates, and Foreman is back. It looks like next week House is acting alone, so where does that leave this plotline? Will they keep betting on who gets fired when it returns? Will they get rid of the worthless doctors (I count at least 2)? And why didn’t Cameron (or cute woman for that matter) wear any of the skirts that cut throat wears?